//------------------------------//
// Chapter 26 
// Story: Brony in Equestria: The Tacoing 
// by Omega Dracomancer 
//------------------------------//

"Y'know, Derpy, that little mixture you made really hits the spot." I said, "Great for clearing sugar crashes."

"Yeah, thanks."

"Now I just have to send it through time. We can literally take care of that whenever we want. I'll get it in ten years maybe. Now's a better idea so I don't forget."

I grabbed the pen from my shoe and wrote the note. I used the time spell on it. "That was a paradox. I just created a real temporal paradox. Not like it doesn't happen all the time. Now, the cage."

"It's indestructible."

"Hmm... Can you fit through these bars?"

"I think so. If I tried hard enough."

"Actually, I'll just gnaw through the bars like Luffy."

"Whoa, there! You can't just go around eating metal."

"Right. Luffy chewed through wooden bars. This gives me an idea."

"Will it help us in any way at all?"

"Not likely."

"Well, what was it?"

"I was planning on putting Derpy on my head."

"Neat plan."

I picked her up and set her on my head. "That was a better plan that I thought it would be."

"Why's that?"

"Now I have Derpy on my head. Quite possibly the best known outcome that could've happened with any given plan at any time during any situation."

She giggled.

"We have to get out of here. Truth be told, this is my first fate of the world deal."

"What makes you so sure it's the fate of the world?"

"LOSE is acting like the Reapers,

Eating everything affected by a paradox. In this case, the paradox would be me. They're blanking the memories of everypony who interacted with me. I'd rather be dead than have my friends forget me. I have affected so many ponies that nearly all of Equestria has heard of the 'princess-killing human.' Derpy, how do we get out of here?"

"Dunno. We need a key."

"In five days, I'll tell the Doctor to take the Elements out of my bag and hold on to them for safekeeping. I'm gonna tell him to get us out of here as well. No, timelines. That rules him out."

"I can't see anything that could help us."

"Just you and me. Wait a minute..."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Most certainly not."

"What are you thinking?"

"M things. Many M things."

"Well, we weren't thinking the exact same thing."

"How 'bout you?"

"I could get out of here and find a key to free you."

"What if they catch you?"

"You've seen enough comics to know that I can't get caught."

"Aren't you in a cage right now?"

"Now that you mention it, yes."

"We still don't know if you can fit."

"But we'll find out."

"Fo' shizzle. Now, the head of your average pony is the largest part of her body."

"Why do you say that?"

"After hours of staring at art of ponies, I can accurately deduce that to be true. Unlike a human, ponies bodies are long and narrow. No shoulders to get in the way. I could escape if I didn't have these damn arms."

Derpy put her head on the cage and tried to push her head through it. She managed to get her head through, but didn't move any further out. "I'm stuck."

"What a coincidence, I got my head stuck in something not more than an hour ago."

She pulled her head very violently. "I'm stuck. Like, really stuck."

"Hang on, I'll get my jack. Which pocket was it in?" I reached into my shorts and got my jack. "Don't move, this shouldn't hurt a bit."

"Without being able to see behind me, that sounds weird."

I put the jack sideways between the bars, then opened it up enough for her to pull her head out. As soon as her head was free, the bars snapped back together and broke the jack.

"Aw man, I had so many plans with this thing."

"I'm sure you didn't."

"Yeah, I didn't. If we can't get out that way, then let's pick the lock."

"You don't have a lockpick."

"As a matter of fact, I do have one. It's in my shoelaces."

"That's smart."

"Yeah it is. Do you know how to pick locks?"

"No."

"Well, the lockpick won't help then."

"Why do you have it?"

"Might be trapped with somepony who could use it."

"Why didn't you learn how?"

"I got lazy. So there's no way out."

"I guess not."

"Now why did you get stuck? You could've went forward when I opened it, but you came back in."

"I don't know about that one. This metal molded itself back into shape."

"Yeah. No metal is this crazy. Scratch that, at least three are. Stuck in a cage with Derpy. After today, I have realized that some dreams can come true. Now, assets..."

"We're stuck in a cage with nothing."

"Well, that conversation went by in a flash. Pockets, Ipod and emergency box, not useful. Socks, empty. Shoes, lockpick and pen. Shirt, just a shirt. Well, it appears that luck is not with us."

"What do you wanna do now?"

I pulled out my iPod and said, "Wanna listen to music?"

"Nothing else to do."

"Sweet. Lay down a notch. Or not. I'm gonna. Take an earbud."

I sat down against the bars and handed her an earbud. She sat down next to me and I started a song. I half paid attention to most of the things around us.

After about an hour of sitting and doing nothing, I noticed that Derpy had fallen asleep against me. "She's on my arm. Goodbye, circulation. There's nothing cuter than a sleeping pony. Except Fluttershy. A sleeping filly. Filly Luna. Sleeping filly Fluttershy. Whoa, am I trying to kill myself? Humans can't take that level of d'aww."

I took the earbud out of her ear and put it all away. "Yeah, cheese-whiz. Bacon flavored cheese-whiz. I miss bacon. Nothing to do until I fall asleep. Left alone with my brain. I can't be alone with this guy. I know what he does."

'Phil, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna eat your parents.'

"I'd like to see you try. Really, you can't eat that much in one go."

'Give it time.'

"You're one crazy surgically inserted thinking device."

'Shouldn't have told them if they could find it, they could keep it when they asked to look at me.'

"Who would've known that they were organ runners?"

'Crazy, I know. I mean, surgery in a dark alleyway with dirty tools and a bloody hacksaw. What could've possibly gone wrong?'

"It was totally legit."

'Should've sprung for the gills. They take lungs now, gills arrive in three weeks. Nothing could've failed with that idea.'

"I hate fish, remember?"

'No, you traded memory for insanity.'

"Oh yeah. Still the best idea I've ever had."

'But being the leader of the Digidestined, I knew exactly what to do.'

"Wait a minute..."

'I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die.'

"You aren't the leader of the Digidestined. You don't even have goggles. Marcus sucked. All of DDS sucked." I said, "No answer, huh? I win this round." I yawned. "What was that, fourteen hours? Yeah, I guess it's time for sleep. Night, Derpster." I put my other arm behind my head and fell asleep.

I woke up to the sound of gunfire and the screams of the not-so-innocent. "It's eleven, so they must've started a while back. I hope they're safe. Please be safe. If anything comes from today, I want it to be my friends."

Derpy was still sleeping, impossibly cute. "C'mon Derpy, up."

She didn't move. I grabbed the emergency box and pulled out the muffin inside. I waved it in front of her nose, then almost lost a finger when she ate it.

"What's up?"

"Our friends are here."

"Do we have to wake up now?"

"Not really, but with you on my arm, I couldn't move."

"Why didn't you just move me?"

"You were too cute to move."

"I'll move when we leave."

"I guess. Not like we can get out of here on our own anyways."

"Just let 'em get here first."

"Alright."

"Music?"

"Good plan." I started some songs for us again. "I almost forgot, did I get any mail recently?"

"Nope."

"Neat."

Somepony knocked on the door. I shouted, "Tacos!"

"It's Phil alright." The door opened and Luna, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy ran in.

"Hey Derpy, look!" I said.

"Hello everypony!" she said happily.

"Do you have a key?" I asked them.

"No, we didn't find one." said Luna.

"Pinkie, here's a lockpick." I said, handing it to her. She quickly opened the cage and I walked out with Derpy on my back. "They need pillows in here, or something. I am not recommending this hotel to anypony. How'd ya do?"

"Well, we aren't dead yet."

"Awesome. Where's the rest of you?"

"They're distracting the rest of them in the front of Canterlot. Here's your pack."

She gave me the bag and I pulled out a pistol and some armor. "Derpy, suit up."

"Right." She got some equipment from the bag.

"What about you, Phil?" asked Luna.

"I'll be fine. I promised, remember?"

"Just one weapon?" asked Applejack.

"It's all I need. Now, we need to help Celestia. The quickest route is always a straight line."

"We're gonna fly over?"

"That's a good one. I was thinking of a more direct route." I tapped the walls in various positions, then placed my hand on the wall and tore it down.

"C'mon, we gotta go help Celestia."

We all ran through the hole. After about fifteen minutes of weaving through and destroying buildings, we saw their group fighting soldiers.

"Lets do this, LLLLEEEEERRROOOOYYYY JJJJJEEEENNNNKKKIIIINNNSSS!"I shouted.

We tore through their line of defense like a piece of paper. Around ten minutes later, we were on our way to the castle. We received no opposition on our way there. As soon as we got there, I grabbed two rolls of duct tape on rollers from the bag.

"I'm a horrible person." I said.

I grabbed the door and ripped it off of it's hinges, then shouted, "Do you want hard shell or soft shell tacos?"

"Welcome!" said Discord.

"Answer the question."

"Hard shell?"

"I didn't pack any tacos."

"Enough with the trivial. We all know why we're here today."

"Was there a deeper meaning? I'm just here to save Equestria. How about you? Discord, ultimate goal is causing chaos. You've managed to do that quite well. Feel proud, be happy. The LOSE, ultimate goal is purging Equestria of all humans in every way possible. Memory wipe and killing the human. Now Discord I have little problem with. I've thought of a way to deal with him. As of now that plan is being executed by Doctor Whooves, as well as plans B and 3." However, I do not take kindly to terrorizing Equestria due to the fact that I'm here. Humans are a horrible species. I know, I've dealt with them."

"Humans are not tolerated in Equestria."

"Now, I get that. All I'm asking you to do is leave me alone. We both know what's going to happen here. The protagonist always wins, eventually. If I have to make a new story, then so be it. It'll be beating a dead horse, but my tacos know no bounds. We both walk out of this one without a scratch. Bit anti-climatic if you ask me, but we'll all be safe. No bullet wounds or compound fractures."

"Not gonna happen."

"Alright, prepare for a lot of stinging." I said, holding up my tape rollers. Discord laughed. "What's so funny?"

"It's your choice of weaponry."

"Try not to aim for vital organs. If you can help it." I said, "If you need me, I'll be breaking the laws of physics."

"Wait, what?"

"Yes. When this is all over, I'll see you in the hospital, because that's where I'll be. Most likely. I'm always there anyways. Grunked up arm, leg, wing, cheese. All the time. Off subject. Need to work on that. Eventually. Losing focus. Losing interest. Can we do this tomorrow?"

"What? No!"

"Why not? You're bummin' me out, bruh."

"We settle this here and now."

"Settle this... excellent choice of words. That means that either outcome would be possible. Now, can't it be possible tomorrow? It should. I am losing interest faster than I lose my lunch after teleporting. Speaking of lunch, lunch time."

I reached into my bag and grabbed about forty sammiches. "If anypony's hungry grab one. Hey, I recognize that sound! Whooves is back."

"Where are we?"

"Just get out."

I reached back into my bag and pulled out a pony. "Vinyl Scratch! How have you been?" I said happily.

"How did I even get here? What just happened?"

"Don't worry, you're fine."

"That you, Phil?"

"Course it is, I'm the only human round these parts. I hope I am at least. 'less I'm not a human right now. Nope, human. At least three percent."

"What about the other 97%?"

"Nuclear waste and other forms of radiation."

"That's unsafe."

I set her on my head and laughed. "I just imagined myself as a toxic waste monster. My Little Rads: Friendship is Uranium. Something along those lines. It needs to be done. Everypony would be nuclear waste monsters. Hmm... more research will be done. My train of thought derailed, killed seven people, and hit a children's hospital."

"Why did you put me up here?"

"I put ponies on my head now."

"Why?"

"Yeah."

"Huh?"

"Yes."

"But that..."

"Don't you lie to me!"

"I wasn't..."

"I'll hug ya, I'll do it."

"You'll hug me?"

"My train of thought has been known to kill before. Hmm... kill... In Daring Doo and the quest for the sapphire stone, the lava was rising and she was scared of it. That means that deaths exist. Being scared of lava means that being burned alive exists. During Spike's little dragon-teen escapade, he belly flopped onto lava. The other dragon said that a pony couldn't survive that. This does nothing but further prove my point. Hospitals exist, so horrid injuries happen, and ponies would die every day. Proving that incredible sadness exists. What was my point again? Ah yes, proving once and for all that I like tacos. This is gonna be a tough one."

"Kid, shut up."

"Now, getting angry won't help your cause. It'll only quicken your punishment."

"What is the point of this whole speech?"

"To make you lose interest. I suggest you sit there and listen, because if not, I'll blow your kneecaps to kingdom come. Trust me on this one, it hurts. Not nearly as much as stepping on a lego, but... anyways, tacos."

"What's a lego? You've mentioned it before." asked Luna.

"I'll hug ya! Wait, that question was answerable. Legos are miniaturized polyurethane foot decimators. I'll still hug ya."

"Um..."

I sat down on the ground and said, "I am so bored! Not even an epic battle scene would fix that. I just got an idea!"

"Is it of any use to anypony at this time?"

"Doubt it. Alright, I'm gonna need the biggest steam driven generator on this side of Mexico."

"Mexico?"

"It's a country, try and keep up, would you? It's tough being on another page. Scratch that, I'm onto the new book already. You wouldn't believe how many ponies are dead. I'm just on the first chapter! I'm gonna blame Twilight for that one. They'll never find any evidence and I'll be miles away by then."

"What are you talking about?"

"We should buy a cow and ride it to Canada. Just purchase a cow... and ride it... to Canada. We could put rockets on it. It'll go like... 15mph!"

"I'm... I'm legitimately starting to lose interest."

"I wanna hear Morgan Freeman say titty sprinkles. It would be hilarious."

"What?"

"I think anypony saying titty sprinkles would be funny." said Pinkie, "Titty sprinkles."

"Like that. My give-a-fuck-o-meter has reached zero. I lost interest in making you lose interest. I'm going to bed." I took Vinyl off my head. "You're here to show me that plan A worked. Plan B is now being executed. Good job, Vinyl! Now, unless you have something to do here, get a helmet from the bag and go home. Also whatever else you want. I don't care, I don't need any of it."

"I don't wanna go home, I wanna help."

"Then get a gun. Preferably something you can carry. Or at the very least, mount and use."

"What the hell is this thing?" she said, crawling in the bag.

"That's what she said. What are you looking at?"

"It just moved!"

"There's not supposed to be something alive in there."

"You also said there wasn't any peanut butter. There was, in the mini-fridge."

"Move your sexy ass over, Vinyl Scratch!" I shouted.

I dived in the bag and grabbed the peanut butter, then tossed it out and jumped out after it. "Peanut butter, peanut butter, peanut butter." I chanted happily. I tried to open it, but failed miserably. "Don't tell me I came all this way and it's jammed. It can't end like this!"

I tried to bite open the jar then slammed it against the ground. I threw it right at the leader of The League and it smacked him in the face. I ran up, grabbed it, and slammed it against his head again. I threw it against the ground and it bounced back up, hitting my chin.

"Rise guy, eh?" I said to the jar. "It's not opening. Night, everypony."

"But..."

"I'll hug you too. And you, and you. Not you, fuck you, I'm not hugging you. It hasn't been more than say... thirty minutes since I woke up. Thirty minutes into the day and I'm already bored out of my mind. Alright, hands, hooves, appendages in the air if you wanna do this in a civil manner. Four? Only four? Out of... 9+1+3. Hold on, let me get my calculator."

"Um, that's..."

"Quiet, I'm thinking. Alright. 9+1+3... Carry da one. I got 82. Can anypony tell me how I managed to fuck up so bad that I didn't get anything close to logical?"

"Phil, it's 13."

"You see this? This is why people think magic is evil."

"What?"

"I'm so off topic it's not even funny anymore. Maybe if I had some fucking peanut butter everything would become clear!"

"I'll get it." said Twilight. She opened the jar and gave it to me.

"What is this black magic fuckery!"

"Excuse me?"

"I don't know where I am right now. I'm not caring about anything. What's the point of wearing clothes anymore? I don't even know. I just got an idea."

"Here we go again."

"Not like that. A legitimate idea. Could it work? It... it could work! Yes! It's good. So simple, yet so effective. Twilight, Luna, this way."

"Alright, what do you need?"

"Now we're getting to the good part." said Pinkie.

"Yes we are." I replied, "This way." They both walked over to me. "Now, we're going to get rid of this nuisance once and for all, what do you say?"

"That's great!"

"But how do we do it?"

"If you've been paying the slightest attention to what's been going on, you'll have noticed that they didn't retaliate when I beat him with the peanut butter. They're bummed out already. Everything I've said has made complete sense in it's own little way. That being said, you two have paid the most attention. Now, we're going to make a barrier around them."

"Will that work? They're crafty." said Luna.

"It has to. I've racked my brains for the past two hours awake thinking about a plan. It didn't work in the slightest. Holy hell, I can still snap my fingers." I said, looking at my hand with incredible alertness.

"Topic."

"Lost, got it. Long story short, I didn't have a plan. Let's do this thing."

"Right."

"How do we pull it off?"

"Haven't thought that far ahead."

"Yes you have!" said Pinkie.

"Quiet you rubber-alloy pony."

"It's like you scripted everything in the future. Even that was scripted! And that, and that."

"And then Pinkie shut up, right?"

"No silly, I don't shut up for a while!"

"Good. Now, if you'll ignore me, I'll just walk over here." I said, gesturing the two of them around the target.

All three of us moved into a triangular position. Everypony's attention was fixed upon me. I started up the spell. They prepared for what they didn't know was coming. "If you believe what I am about to say..."

"Nope!" said one of the three members, "Before you start talking, I'm out. I'm going home. I've had enough of this." He walked out the door in a huff. The last words I caught were, "Sick of this crap."

"Ragequit." I said plainly, "As I was saying..."

I snapped my fingers and we all used our spell. It made a circle around them, then changed into a sphere. "I don't know what I was saying."

"You've managed to trap them. Good job. Now what about me?" asked Discord, "With this special plan of yours."

"Vinyl Scratch!"

"What?" she asked surprised, "Ow! I hit my head."

"What did you hit it on?"

"No idea. Why didn't you tell me you had all this stuff?"

"Because of reasons. Get out of there before you get stuck in the wires."

"Little late for that."

"Well give me your glasses then."

"You already took them once!"

"I need them again."

"Why?"

"I had Doctor Whooves fuse the Elements of Harmony to them temporarily."

"Why would you do that?"

"It sounded funny at the time."

"Fine, but I need them back." she said, tossing them out. She crawled out of the bag with a helmet, a gun, and a few other items.

I grabbed the glasses and threw them to Twilight. "Magic!" I said.

"Magic?"

"Oh no, not again."

"Magic."

"Magic!" I shouted.

Magic happened, then I used a spell and Discord turned to stone in a badass pose. "There was no point to that. There was never any point to that. There will never be a point to that."

I snapped my fingers again and the glasses teleported to Vinyl's head. "Have I ever told anypony how much I love snapping my fingers? No. Anyways, you! Get your asses out of here." I said to the ponies in the barrier.

"I don't think we can."

"Good. Now, I need about fifteen minutes to think. After which, we'll fix the remaining problems and after that... explanations. Lots of them."