I woke up, and ate some food. I wasn't the first up, Celestia wasn't in her bed either. I heard a noise behind me. I turned around and saw the Princess, wearing her swimming suit. She was turned away, and I caught myself staring at her... plot.
She must've noticed, because she said, "What are you staring at?"
"Um... I was looking for your cutie mark." I lied. It was a fairly logical excuse, but I can't lie.
"My cutie mark? Would you like a closer look?" she asked. She turned to me, and gave me a smile, albeit with a hint of evil.
I teleported away, hurled overboard, then ran off. "Gonna have to eat again." I said. "Still didn't see her cutie mark, but it was too close for comfort."
I slowed down and thought. "What about mine? Did I ever even get one? Probably something that signifies relaxing, or fun-loving, or maybe even adventures."
I stopped, and realized that I was lost. I forgot to give my teleport a destination, and couldn't see any signs of where I was relative to where I've been. I walked for a few more seconds, then a white flash appeared in front of me. It cleared, and none other than Celestia was standing in front of me.
I wasn't about to teleport again. I hated what it did to me. Emergencies only. I ran off, but Celestia appeared ahead of me wherever I went. She still had that creepy smile on her face, and I had this strange feeling in my gut that she wasn't gonna stop until she caught me.
"Damn, being over 1000 years old really helps your patience." I said after a half hour.
She was still following me. I decided that it was an emergency. I teleported three times to varying locations, and ended it in our room. My stomach felt like it was burning, and after I finished tossing my lunch out the window, I saw Princess Celestia, right next to me.
I looked at her and said, "Yes?"
She laughed for a few seconds then said, "I haven't pursued anybody like that in years. Ever since I was known as Princess Molestia. Oh wait, I still am!"
"Well... Not gonna get that out of my head anytime soon. So, what do you want?"
"Oh, don't worry about it. I just needed some training. Not doing something for years at a time doesn't help when you wanna use your skills."
I backed away slowly and said, "Try not to use them in the human world."
"Yeah, I'll try."
"Das good. Well, pip pip cheerio and do the jig and all."
I headed away, and eventually ended up at the front of the ship. I hung over the side and didn't move for a good fourteen minutes. I got bored, then decided to sneak around the ship like a saboteur.
I put on a ski mask, then put a hood over that ski mask, then wrapped a towel around it so I could boldly announce to the world that I was inconspicuous. I changed into a black business suit, and started to creep around. I looked around corners before turning them, and hid as best I could when someone came close to finding me.
Soon enough, I was confronted by a group of staff. I ran off and they pursued me. I got to the back, turned around, and said, "Well men, it's been fun. Remember to always eat your carrots and to hug at least nineteen cats by days end."
I dived off the ship and shed the clothes I had just put on. I swam around next to the ship, and crawled in a window. Lo and behold, it wasn't mine. I quickly ran out before I was noticed.
"Let's do that just one more time." I said happily.
I dressed in clothes very unlike my own, and I started craving a first class meal. I walked to the kitchen, and tried to open it. Locked.
I looked around, nobody. I picked the lock with a primitive lockpick with a magical boost.
I walked inside, and was confronted by three people. They didn't move, nothing. No reaction at all. I started to walk past them, but they kept staring at me. It was kinda creepy.
I ignored them and got myself a ham sammich with good ham. Not exactly a first class meal, but a pretty good sammich all the same. They kept staring at me.
"Hello, Phil." they said.
"You the group against me?" I asked. One rolled up his sleeve and showed me a scar around his arm. A perfectly straight scar. "How did Albitr feel?"
He glared at me angrily and rolled down his sleeve.
"Listen, I don't have time for this. Well, actually I do, but I don't wanna speak to you. If you don't leave this world right now, I'm gonna throw you overboard." They all frowned, then teleported away. "Now why would they listen to me?"
I thought about it for a few more minutes, then left. "I really hope nobody gets poisoned. That Luna incident helped nobody. Except maybe them. Oh well, I'll fix it eventually. Unless there's nothing to fix. Then I wouldn't. But if there is, I would. Since now there isn't, I won't."
I walked around, picking locked doors just because I could. 'I could see why I wasn't given something important to do with my life, too irresponsible. Then again, I got my little pony friends to take care of. I must be doing something right, because I have yet to be shunned.' thought.
I had opened enough doors to draw attention to myself. They surrounded me and asked who I was.
'Fake name, fake name.' "My name's uh... Jerry. Jerry Newman."
I ran off before they could catch me, and stopped at the edge of the ship. "Remember this situation? Eat your carrots and all that dribble? Well, eat your carrots."
I hopped off again, and hovered out of sight. "What do we do now? That's the second time today we've failed to apprehend this man." one said.
"Maybe we should eat our carrots." replied another.
"We're dealing with either a group of people, or a very clever man."
I went back to the room, and everybody but Rainbow was up. It was prank time. I thought about it, and decided on the whipped cream in the face. Pinkie was watching me carefully.
I sprayed it in her hand, tickled her nose, and she creamed herself. Everybody started to laugh. "How ya doin'?" I asked.
She wiped it off of her face, then got me back. We kept laughing. "What a way to wake a girl up." she said.
I stood on the ceiling and said, "Up."
I walked out the window and stood on the wall. I heard some birds, so I looked for them. There were definitely seagulls next to the boat. We weren't anywhere near land, so where did they come from? I stepped down and said, "Twilight, c'mere. I might need your help here."
She walked out and said, "What's up?"
"Look, seagulls."
"What about them?"
"They shouldn't be here."
"You're right! We're nowhere near land, so why are they here?"
"I don't know."
I stared at them for a few more seconds, then said, "Let's get a closer look."
"But how?"
I pointed to my back and said, "Oh, I don't know, maybe with wings?"
"Oh, right."
She got onto my back, held on tight, and I flew us up to the group of birds. They didn't even flinch. I stopped moving and we examined them.
"What's with these things?" asked Twilight.
"They didn't even move out of position when we flew up here. Birds freak out. That's not just a statement, it's a theory."
I waved my hand in front of them, and they ignored me. "Why are they here? Why are they ignoring us? We need an expert."
"I agree. Lets see if Fluttershy can help."
I flew back down and set the purple pony human back on the ground. We walked over to Fluttershy and I said, "Hey Fluttershy, we got a problem with some birds outside, can you help us?"
"But there shouldn't be any birds outside, we're too far out." she said.
"That's one of the problems. The other problem is that they ignored us. They didn't react to anything. They just kept flying. It's creeping me out."
"I'll see what I can do."
We flew back up to the birds, and Fluttershy was just as confused as us. She tried to get them to notice us, she tried to move them a little, she even tried to stop them. They just kept flying alongside the ship, at the same speed as before.
"Well, that means that they're unnatural." I said. I tapped one and it felt real. "They're real birds, but they aren't registering our presence. It might be us, but humans saw me, and quickly tried to apprehend me due to unimportant reasons. Anything, Fluttershy?"
"I'm sorry, but I don't know what's wrong with them."
"Perplexing."
I went back down to the top of the ship. Fluttershy followed after me. I set Twilight down and we started to think.
I shrugged and looked around. I saw more and more gulls. I stared at them for a few minutes, then they disappeared, all of them, at the same time. "Where did they go? They all disappeared. That defies the laws of... something, I'm sure. Then again, so do I, you, and all of our friends."
I looked at the sky for a minute more, then said, "Nothing we can do now. Let's go get pancakes."
"Shouldn't we find out where they went?" asked Fluttershy.
"They went home, don't worry."
"How do you know that?" asked Twilight.
"I don't know if I've mentioned this, but I'm kinda magic. That, coupled with my imagination and knowledge, allowed me to create my own long-range version of a life detection spell. No gulls for hundreds of miles."
"Your own version?"
"Yeah. The original was perfect, but only for close range. You can see exactly where and what something is with that. Maximize the power output, and you only get like two miles. Mine goes a maximum of 700 miles, but only gives a small gist of where something is, and not anything about what it is. Nothing in the air until land. You like it?"
"That's genius! Was that the first spell you created?"
"Actually, no. There's two more. One is a form change spell. The other is a bit of a secret. Rather not say."
"C'mon, tell me. What does it do?"
"Lets just say that if I used it, everything would fix itself."
"Well why don't you use it now?"
I looked her in the eyes and said, "This spell is a last resort. The last resort. The last thing that I would ever want to do is use the spell. Not even if Fluttershy asked me. That is the one request that I would refuse her. Now, about those pancakes."
"Fluttershy, why did he say that?" she asked her.
"He says anything for me, but I never found out why."
"Because you're cute. That's why. You are literally the cutest thing that has ever crossed my eyes. Wow, never thought that I'd say that to anybody."
"Because I'm cute?"
"Cuter than a sleeping kitten, and they're pretty cute. Also they're huggable. And as an added impossibility, you're even cuter as a pony."
"That's very... very... Thank you." she said, attempting to hide her face behind her hair.
Fluttershy was cute. It wasn't just an opinion, it was a fact of life. I walked forward and moved her hair away from her face. I smiled and said, "Let's go get some pancakes."
We walked to the place with pancakes, ate them, and walked back to the room. Everybody was having fun playing some games. At the current time, they were playing truth or dare, a game that I would never play, unless Fluttershy told me to. Dash would probably have me embarrass myself, multiple times.
I sat down, away from them, and thought. I don't know about what, but a few minutes later, I realized that I was bored.
I looked at my friends, still playing. I walked away and looked outside. 'What will I do when we arrive? What will be the first plan of action? I can't just walk around with this lot like I'm Gary Mother Fucking Oak. Eh, I'll figure it out eventually. Got at least a week, or two.' I thought.
"Hey Phil! Why don't you play with us?" asked Rainbow.
"Last time I played that game, I got arrested."
"Why's that?"
"A dare got out of hand, and I was one of the last they caught. They got us all, but one guy was already covered in butter, and they had trouble holding on to him."
"Covered in butter?"
"Eeyup."
"Why was he covered in butter?"
"Because he was dared to. And that was the story of how my home town got $53,000 worth of damage in one hour. Course, nobody could prove it was us, and they were forced to release us."
"Wow, you lived a funny life."
"That was just a story. Granted, it was funny, but it was just a story."
"So, that's a no?"
"Quite right. I'd rather be bored. Now, I have something to do. I will see you later."
I walked out the door and walked around, aimlessly. I looked behind me and saw that Princess Luna was following me. I smiled at her and let her catch up.
"How have you been for the past few days?" I asked happily.
"I've been great! My sister and our friends are here on Earth!"
"I think that I might've noticed that. How was yesterday? Fun?"
"Very. And how about you? How was your day?"
"Better than most, I can tell you that. There was just these odd birds. They didn't react to anything. Not even Fluttershy and her animal... skills. I think that's the right word. Then they just disappeared. Every one of them. All at the same time. Doesn't matter, let's go get some food."
"It's a date then."
"Might as well be." I said.
I held my hand out and she grabbed it. We walked together in silence for a while. Eventually, we reached the food area, which was uncharacteristically empty, and she ate some food.
"Aren't you going to eat?" she asked.
"Already did, three times actually. Once in the morning, but I threw that back up, unfortunately. I ate a sammich later, and most recently I had some pancakes."
"You threw up again? So you teleported?"
"Yeah."
"Why would you do that knowing what the consequences were?"
"I had to make a quick getaway."
"From what? What would be so important that you would do that?"
"Your sister. She chased me for a solid half hour before I gave up. She's a pretty speedy pony. Much faster here than in Equestria I would assume. Maybe you ponies got a power boost."
"She did what?" she yelled.
"Calm down. She told me that she didn't have any plans to... er, just plans."
"I may have to have a little talk with her." she said.
"I'd like to see that happen. Then again, maybe I wouldn't. Seems more personal than public. I rarely get myself involved in personal matters, if I can help it. If I am nearby, I may be included and be forced to choose a side. Choosing sides sucks, mostly when both parties want you to choose them."
"That's an odd way of thinking."
"That's my way of thinking. Others too, I guess, but they're irrelevant."
I shrugged and stood up. I looked around and saw a man in a black cloak walking towards us. I remained where I was and said, "Luna, prepare yourself, we may have a problem."
She looked at the man, and nodded, then stood up.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm not here to cause any trouble!" he said.
"Then what are you here to do?" I asked him.
"I just wanted to see how you were doing."
"See how we were doing?"
"See how you were doing, you specifically."
"But why me?"
"Because you're a human that went to Equestria."
"And you know this because..."
"Magic."
He disappeared and I was unable to locate him at this point. I shrugged and said, "Oh well."
"Who was that man?"
"Somebody I'm sure. Let's go see how much force is required to rip a cruise ship down the center."
"Do what?"
"I said, and I quote, tacos. How 'bout we go back, or not. I am. I may or may not have something to do depending on my ability to find something to do."
"You don't know what to do?"
"Yeah. Even though this place is made to let you have fun, I'm still bored."
"Well what do you do for fun all day?"
"Something."
"What?"
"I watch you ponies, all day, every day. For you see, ponies have become my life."
"You mean the show Twilight mentioned in her letter?"
"Yeah, but nowadays, I just watch you ponies from my side, right where I want you. Course, I can't have you all to myself, others watch the show as well, and others still wish they were like me. Brony in Equestria, the final goal. Hell, in any given parallel world, that might just happen, but not here, probably. Actually, no. The plane of both of our universes have been breached already, and our two worlds could collide, killing billions. Universes? Univi? Universeseses? Pegasususus? Pegasus? Pegasi? Pinkie Pie? Pinkie's Pies? No, you'd need a bakery for that. Pinkie's Pies could be the name of the bakery. I should tell Pinkie Pie of this. But she makes cupcakes. Soarin' likes pies. Maybe Soarin' is friends with Pinkie. It could be a joint business. But what about muffins? I need to tell Derpy that Pinkie Pie and Soarin' made a business selling baked goods. She could provide a steady supply of half of the muffins needed at any given time. Half because Derpy does what she wants. That is a great business plan. Pinkie's pies, seller of cupcakes, pies, and muffins."
"Are you alright?"
"You're right, that would never work. If it's called Pinkie's Pies, than most would assume that it sold pies exclusively. It would have to be called Pinkie's Bakery, but that takes all the fun out of the name. Pinkie's Pies and baked goods. Perfect! She could employ a bread baker and maybe a cake maker. Bread with sugar. A roll with sugar. Sweet roll. Did somebody steal your sweetroll? We need to tell somebody, someone stole their sweet rolls! Hold up, ponies don't steal. But Dash said something about a bullet at one point in time, I believe. That means that she knows what that is, which means ponies make bullet's. If they make bullet's, than they would need a reason to use them. Long story short, ponies commit crimes. That means that the aforementioned theft of the sweet roll is completely possible. Although here it is highly possible, it seems less likely in Equestria. Well, here if people steal food, it's needed to survive, like canned soup or tacos. They would be unlikely to steal a sweet roll."
"What?"
"Exactly!" I said as if I understood what I just said as clear as a crystal. "Well, let's go."
"Go where?"
"Anywhere. Though preferably somewhere with ponies."
"So back to our friends?"
"If you say so."
"But you said so."
"You said it first."
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did."
"I did not!"
"I'm pretty sure you did."
"No I didn't!"
"Did!"
"Not!"
"Did!"
"Not!"
"Not!"
"Did!"
"Not!"
"Did!"
"Not!"
"I'm the one who said it and that's final!" she shouted. "Now let's go see our friends."
"Okie dokie lokie!" I said happily.
"Wait a minute... What just happened?"
"C'mon Luna. We don't want to be late, do we?"
"Late for what?"
"Who said anything about being late for something?"
"You did, just now. Are you feeling alright?"
"Just a tad trolly."
"Trolly?"
"Just a tad."
"A tad?"
"Tad-ish."
"Tad-ish?"
"Hypertaco."
We walked back, Luna confused as to what had transpired. It helps when you can pick out a few select words from a conversation and start a whole new one. Universeseseses seseses. It was as if tacos. Seseseses. Ses.
"Intensive taco unit!" I said suddenly.
"What is that?"
"I don't know. You can't just go around expecting me to know what I'm saying. Seseseseses."
We got back and Rainbow said, "What took ya?"
"Things. Or stuff, whichever you prefer."
"Things?"
"Stuff?"
"Indubitably."
"So, what did you do?"
"I continued a stream of information."
"What does that mean?"
"I kept talking like Pinkie."
"How do you mean, like me?" asked Pinkie.
"First I went from destruction of our worlds, to Pinkie's Pies, then to proving that ponies commit crimes."
"But how did you do that?" asked Luna.
"Magic. Y'know what, just assume that whenever you don't understand something I do, or say, magic. I just realized that The Everchanging Horizons sounds cool. Does it sound cool to you? Everchanging in itself is a cool word. Everchanging Tides, Ever changing Stratosphere. Everchanging Tacos. Tacos are cool. Yeah, tacos. Damn it! Now I'm craving tacos."
"I want some tacos." said Pinkie.
"Oh dear god no, no. No tacos for you."
"Now why can't we have tacos? What makes you so special?" asked Dash.
"I'm fully human, I think. And you're fully ponies, I think."
"And?"
"Only humans eat these."
"Why?"
"You want the truth, or the lie that makes everybody feel good?"
"Truth."
"But I don't want to tell you the truth."
"Why not?"
"You're all gonna hate me, and right now, we're stuck together until we get back to Equestria. Rather be at least acquaintances."
"I don't think anything will make us hate you."
"I can think of at least 14 things that'll make you hate me within three seconds of thinking. Maybe 11 for Celestia. It sickens me that I know of them."
"I don't know, maybe those other three will make me hate you. We'll never know until we try." said Celestia.
"With all due respect Princess, shut up." She started laughing. "Having fun are we? Good, have fun, this is a fun place."
"Did you just tell the Princess to shut up?" asked Twilight.
"I sure did! I've always wanted to tell off royalty. Also I've always wanted to take down a wall. Not any wall in particular, just a wall. Preferably with a large blunt object. Also a few more things, some unnameable. Bit off subject there. What were we talking about?"
"Tacos and why we're not allowed to eat them." said Dash.
"Ah yes, that is a red area for me. How do I break it to you without sounding like a heartless villain? I'll start with... Humans eat meat. Tacos got meat. Meat meat meat."
"Meat? You mean like..." started Twilight, trying to make sense of what I had said.
"Meat, flesh, remains, carcass. Dead animals, cooked, spiced, then eaten. Except fish, I never cared for fish. I'm sorry, but... Actually, y'know what, I'm not sorry."
"But that's horrible!"
"Tough. It was how I was raised. You were raised on plants, herbivore. I eat meat, plants, tacos. Omnivore. Omnivore... Omni. Omnitalisman. Omnistave. Elemental stave. Elemental fury. Earth. Gaia. Gods. Tacos. Everything can be linked to tacos. Tacos must be the source of the universe. Universeseses."
"Enough of that!"
"Right, sorry. Look..." I opened my mouth and pointed to my canines. "Teeth meant for ripping and tearing. Humans eat meat, that's all there is to it. Celestia, open your mouth. Well, never thought that I'd say that within a million years."
"Why me, specifically?"
"Comedic effect. Show me your teeth."
She did so, and her teeth weren't all that different. They were even noticeably perfect. "Nice teeth. Well, that breaks my logic like Pinkie would break logic. Look at that, long, pointed canines, meat eater."
She closed her mouth and shrugged.
"Huh... I really thought that they would be flatter and broader, like an equine. No, them's human teeth."
"Why did you want her to show you her teeth?"
"To make an example. If she did indeed have teeth unlike mine, then that could've been traced to herbivore. Since it's not, I think that I made everything worse. Y'know what. Boom, memory wipe and subconscious desire for tacos removed."
I raised my hand and used my spell on them, fixing at least three problems at once without consequence. "So how have you been for the past five minutes?" I asked happily.
"I've been pretty good, I think."
"That's good, thinking's good. Never was allowed to think myself. Normally due to mass crime sprees that follow my thought process. Also tacos."
"That reminds me..."
"No it doesn't."
"But I..."
"No you didn't."
"But it..."
"You're making it up!" I shouted.
Pinkie walked over to me and whispered, "You forgot me in that spell of yours."
"No, you were just unaffected. I think Princess Celestia remembers as well."
Celestia looked around, smiling. She looked at me and nodded. Yeah, she still knew.
"Classical derpiteering. Wonder how Derpy's been. She's a fun pony. Would've loved this place, probably. Fo' shizzle."
I moved my arm up and down and kept staring at it. "What?"
"What?"
"What?"
"Huh?"
"No really, what?"
"Uh... I don't know?"
"Good answer. Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to... something."
"Something?"
"Eeyup."
Pinkie's ears flopped, then her knees twitched, then eyes fluttered.
"Rainbow Dash, care for a fly?"
"What's with this all of the sudden?" she asked.
"Pinkie said the sky's gonna be graced by a beautiful rainbow. We got a beautiful Rainbow right here, so into the sky with you."
"Awww." said Pinkie.
I glared at her, then turned back to Rainbow. I shrugged and said, "So how 'bout it?"
"Yeah."
"Sweet."
I hopped out of the room and Rainbow flew after me. I turned around and hovered in the air. "So Dash, the beautiful Rainbow is in the air. What do you wanna do?"
"Stop that." she said, rubbing the back of her head and looking down.
"Stop what?"
"Stop saying that."
"That you're beautiful?"
"Yes, that."
"But it's true. What, Dasher can't take a compliment? Dasher. Dashie. Dash. El Dasho. Dash-o-mundo. Hey, have you ever thought about getting a doctorate?"
"Well, no. Why?"
"Doctor Dash. Doctor Rainbow? No, that didn't sound as cool as I thought it would. Professor Dash? Professor Rainbow? No, neither, never mind. Back to before, now, why can't I say nice things?"
"It makes me blush."
"You're cuter when you blush. Then again, everyone is. Well, most everyone. I think. Let's fly around a bit."
I took off and she followed after me. I flew around in random, unpredictable pattern, and Dash followed me with unwavering speed. 'She's good, unshakable I might add. I will add. Unshakable. Granted, wasn't trying to shake her.'
I flew straight up, Dash close behind. We spun around each other while ascending. We stopped, looked at each other, then dived. We were picking up some major speed. I saw the light encase Rainbow, and felt wind resistance increase rapidly around myself. "Split!" I shouted when we were close to the ship.
We split off into separate directions, displaying our respective sonic explosions. We flew around the ship three times, then went back to the center, and spiraled up again, rainbows following Dash in a brilliant display of light.
We stopped high in the air. I smiled, and she smiled back.I looked around us, we had gone way too high, and it was incredibly cold. I looked back at Dash, she was shivering. "Down!" I said.
I started to see spots, and I knew that she wasn't doing any better than me. We started to fly back down. We gained more speed, and made it back in less than three pieces each.
"Remind me never to fly that high again." said Dash.
"Long as you remind me to do the same. Getting a bit late out, Ima hit the hay."
I slowed down near some clouds. "Can I lay on these?" I asked myself.
I attempted, and succeeded, on laying on a human world cloud. I looked down, the ship was moving, but the cloud wasn't following it. "This'll never work, weather is unpredictable, except when predicted. Also because it isn't physically possible. That's a bit irrelevant. Physical laws mean little any more. Almost Pinkie irrelevant. Sleeping in a normal bed."
Dash flew close to me and said, "Yeah, normal beds are always good, but clouds are better."
"I know, but you're not gonna lay on one. Wake up and the ship'll be gone. Without a life detection spell, or some other means of locating us, you're never gonna find us for a long time. Stranded at sea, nowhere to go, no food to drink, no water to eat."
"Food to drink?"
"And water to eat. You heard what I said. I mean what I said. Stranded, alone. Ugh, that's too much bad thoughts for one day."
"Maybe you could stay with me." she said.
"Maybe, I could find our way back, yes. But human clouds move like the ones in the Everfree. All on their own. Course, I could fix that with a bit of magic."
I stuck my finger in my mouth and felt the wind direction. There was no wind, a dead stillness. "Think we should tell 'em?" I asked.
"Why?"
"Good point."
I landed on a nearby cloud and tipped back, falling on the cloud. Dash laid down next to me. I magiced up the cloud so we couldn't fall through.
"Night." I said.
"Night."
'Wait, What did I just agree to?'