After my second little episode from getting zapped, this time incinerating everything, Celestia had the royal tailor in for measurements. It was rather quick and boring, so I won't bother with the details.
Alone in my room, I studied some more magic and ran through possible ways to get me home, be it time travel or dimensional travel. I also considered the possibility of somehow going through a portal to somewhere else in the universe, but then remembered that the geography was a slightly distorted version of my basic knowledge of the continents. Although I could just ask the princesses if they could just spell me back to Earth. It was well into the evening now, and the moon was approaching it's zenith.
Searching for Celestia, I found Luna's captain. Ah shit, here we go again, we approached each other in the corridor, bracing myself for the oncoming bullshit.
What I didn't expect was for her to wink and smirk, she trotted past me and whipped me lightly with her tail. My brain kinda malfunctioned. Are ponies that quick to warm up to others? Fuck, if only it was that easy back home.
Wait, I'm getting off track. Seriously though, what the everloving fuck? DID SHE GET TURNED ON WHEN I SLAPPED HER AND CHOKED HER OUT!? Why couldn't she be human? I swear, these ponies...there is definitely something wrong with them. I can't really talk either, I suppose, given the literally incarnation of destruction residing inside me.
Seemed like the other night guards weren't so taken by my manliness. Any I saw around the castle were rather miffed over the whole 'punching the bitch you were sworn to protect' thing. It ranged from insults to one or two walking into me outright, something that became rather anusing when I braced myself and ended up bowling over a guard. I honestly didn't care about the guards opinions at this point, as they're the ones relegated to the life of the NPC, patrolling corridors and reciting the same six voice lines no matter where you meet them. I'm only going to be here for a month, so it doesn't matter.
"John," I swear Luna has a cloaking device, how does a horse that big get that close so easily?
"Hello, Luna. You still angry from our last scene?"
"Nay. You are irritating, but Sister seems to believe you are better than what you have shown me." She rubbed a hoof under her chin. "Maybe all fire mages are as eccentric as her... That is a horrifying concept." She discarded that train of thought, "She said that appealing to you as an equal would be much more in line while conversing."
"Yeah. Princess, I gotta ask you, but do you guys actually genuinely move the Celestial bodies? Because, if you are, I'd like to know why and how." I refrained from telling her she was full of shit since I realised that would just agitate her again.
"Of course. Discord had done many strange things during his previous reign. Celestia and I took up our mantles once we had sealed him."
"Ah. I heard about that? Wait, Twilight said something about a council of unicorns doing it previously. Is that real?"
She scoffed. "No, those were just a bunch of charlatans attempting to parade around vitriol about how Unicorns were the truly superior race. The Celestial bodies moved on their own previously."
"Yeah, I knew about that. It's crazy that Discord literally just fucked up physics that badly and everything is still alright."
"Yes, it was regretful. We asked if he would undo it after his reformation, but he said that bringing order was impossible for him. How did you know of such things, might I ask?"
"Human technology is centuries ahead of yours. Even then we've been looking up at the night sky for millennia." That peaked the interest of the princess.
"I see. Your kind long for the stars also?"
"Many of us. It's one of the most popular dreams for kids growing up, being an astronaut. Those are people who go into space, if ponies haven't made those up yet."
Her eyes widened, genuine happiness coming through in her voice. "Astounding... this is no jest, is it? I would hate for this to be a simple ruse, as not many ponies are so willing to talk of the night."
"Nope. To tell you the truth I want to go up there too. Imagine being the first person or pony to step on another planet... that feeling is something that only one person will ever get to feel." This was probably the most honest thing I've said in a while.
"Truly, such a possibility is both frightening and exhilarating. I once longed to touch my moon. A childish thing really, but ai knew that doing so would doom my subjects. Thry did not appreciate my moon in the way they did Celestia's sun." She steeped herself. "What am I saying? You do not wish to be bored with tales of my self-loathing. I shall bid you farewell, human."
"Luna, wait!" She had already teleported away, prompting an irritated groan. I was enjoying that conversation. "I should probably be off to sleep." And so I made my way back to my room, through of all of my clothes, contemplated all of the bad decisions I'd made for a while, and then nodded off.
----
Morning. The glare of the sun through the window momentarily left me blinded, until my eyes slightly adjusted to the harsh light.
I closed the curtains, dropping the room into darkness once more. I'll be having none of this 'rising with the sun' bullshit here, I did it enough to last a lifetime back home. Now, to the bed! I dragged my feet, crawling into the nice warm covers once again...
Then the doors swung open, "GOOD MORNING!" Celestia, sing-songed. Her overly cheery voice grating into my ears like a razor blade scraping down my urethra.
I muted my hearing, thank God that was a spell. She just broke the muting barrier with something, "Wake uuuuppp!" Celestia then threw off the covers like an absolute cunt. My sleep addled mind not processing the fact that she had a front row seat to my morning wood.
Wait. Brain rebooting...
"My, my! You weren't bluffing when you asked what it would take to make it the best greeting I'd ever recieved!"
Fuuuuuuuuuu...
"Celestia, get out!" I covered myself. I swear, sometimes she just acts like a sexually charged stepmum, straight out of a Brazzers video.
"Hush now, I've seen it all before... just get dressed and we can be on our way to breakfast!" Fucking Celestia, dammit! I launched from the bed, getting dressed quickly while making sure to cover myself from her wandering eyes.
Xenophile ponies, man. xenophile ponies...
----
"Breakfast is served your majesty," a hazel unicorn carefully placed down a plate of assorted vegetables and cake. Yeah, you heard me, Celestia eats cake, FOR BREAKFAST.
A Griffin servant put down a plate of eggs and bacon in front of me. After a few days of a fruit and veg only diet, bacon felt near orgasmicly good. Yes, I'm being slightly over dramatic, but you would be too if you were so fucked in the head, you thought that you were in a world of living mythology. Aren't pigs meant to be sentient here though? Probably not the same ones as these.
"John?" Celestia was trying to get my attention, trying not to look at my bacon in disgust, "today, you are to accompany me to the festivities, as a guard, of course." Eh, I was planning on going into town anyway.
"What? What kind of festivities?" I haven't heard anything about something going on in Canterlot.
"You'll see," she sipped at her tea, menacingly.
Well, that isn't ominous at all, is it?
"Fine, be like that, do I have to stay at your side the entire time?" She nodded. I sighed in response.
We just quietly ate, a few guards looking at me like I was going to slit Celestias throat with a spoon and a fork. Much to my annoyance, one such guard blocks me on the way to the toilet.
"Bugger off, mate. I need to use the loo," I literally have only one shit to give, an I'm not going to give it in the dining room, right in front of a bunch of armed guards and a princess.
"You better not be planning anything," the grey pegasus narrowed his eyes. One day I'm just going to set all the royal guards on fire.
"Of course I'm planning something," he looked shocked at that, "I'm planning on taking a dump in your mouth if you don't get out of my way," he shivered at that rather pleasant mental image before reluctantly moving aside. God these fuckign guys were annoying.
"Be nice to my guards John! You'll be working with them today," Celestia called back.
No one saw the smirk on my face as I entered the loo. I'll be nice... Very nice. Mwahaha!
-Discord, Behind Celestia. He somehow got his hand on the book... Note to Self: Discord-proof the journal. On the other hand, he did a pretty good imitation of my writing style.-
Discord put his paws over Celestia's eyes, "Guess who!?" He imitated Chrysalis' voice.
She snapped to a combative stance immediately, her chair flung aside and the table had been flipped.
"Oh, Chrysalis? She isn't here, I was just having my fun," the Draconequus took out a tape measure, before applying it to Celestia's body in various ways, "Celestia! You've gained weight! Honestly, you need to lay off the cakes, or you might get as bad as your mother," Discord knew how to push her buttons, it was practically his self imposed job for the last six millennia.
"Now why would you make such a mess Celestia!" He said in a clearly fake fatherly tone. He snapped his talons, putting the room right. And then enchanted the remaining bacon to crawl off, snorting like a pig.
"You will not talk that way about my mother!" Celestia turned on the caps lock mode that is 'the Canterlot voice'.
Ok, so we're back to Me (John) now. I went to go brush my teeth and saw Discord fly out of the room as I came back.
I walked out of the now quarantined toilet,"Who's making 'your mum' jokes?" I looked over to Q, "Hi."
"Salutations my bald baboon-like friend!" I just gave him the finger, "I assume Celestia has told you what's happening today?"
"Nope, she's being dumb, gimme the details or I tell her about the Enterprise," he threw a torrent of black envelopes at me.
"That is blackmail!" He huffed, "fine, it's the first anniversary of the day the Changelings were defeated by Cadie, Shining armour and the power of 'love', you know it's also their wedding anniversary?"He motioned quote marks with his claws. Celestia needs me to guard her: why? Probably some political crap to do with my escape. Also 'Cadie?'
"Must've been a bummer of a wedding. Where were you?" He was about to say something before Celestia butted in.
"We are late, John," she just teleported me out of the pile of postage before I could say goodbye. I landed on my ass, I'm still not used to teleported.
"So, what's first on the agenda?" I asked, still trying to get used to the new surroundings. I wanted to know why Discord had a nickname for the princess of love.
The passage we were now walking down was a far cry from the banquet hall of Canterlot castle, it looked like I was backstage to a play or something, a lot of well made props and wires tangled up in the rafters. I'm guessing she has to do a ceremony or something, she is the supposed 'Sun God' of the ponies.
We turned around and came face to face with a crowd of cheering ponies, for Celestia, not me, obviously. I noticed Luna had appeared at the same time with her guard captain, walking parallel to us. We were still in Canterlot but had teleported quite far away, a good mile or two across from the castle.
There was probably some symbolism about day and night in the little introduction spiel but I'll just skip it.
This is where the actual ceremony begins. Celestia called out to the crowds for any flying pegasi to settle down onto clouds, or for parents to hush their foals.
"Ponies of Canterlot!" I noticed Twilight, Spike and the other five elements slip onto the stage, Pinkie even ceased her bounce walk, "we are gathered here today to remember the lives of those lost in the siege of Canterlot, not just those of our own, but those of anyone, even the Changelings themselves," I wasn't expecting any remorse for the Changelings, she seems so dedicated to her ponies, "let us have a moment of silence to mourn and to remember the dead," I also didn't think that they carried over old traditions like that either.
The people of Canterlot, the ponies, the Griffins, the few Minotaurs I could see towering over others at the back. I could see a few unicorns lighting their horns with magic, a bright glow emanating from them, I copied, putting a hand up, letting little flames flicker from the tips of my fingers. This lasted for a solid three minutes, before Princess Cadence and Shining Armour came from somewhere while I wasn't watching. Celestia and Luna flared their wings, 'which I later found out that it was what they did to sign the end of the silence, not some sort of boner on their wings like I thought at the time.'
Cadence, moving forward from her position next to 'El Capitane', she gave a nice short speech about the power of friendship persevering and that 'love conquers all', you get the idea.
Once that was over the crowd dispersed, going off to enjoy the festival. Me, on the other hand? I was going to have to stick here and listen to Celestia and Luna talk.
"John?" Twilight poked me in the back of my leg to get my attention, ah, an alicorn I like being around.
"Good afternoon, Twilight." I was pulling at my rather tight fitting shirt, adorned with Celestia's rather unimaginative mark of a sun on the right breast.
"Good afternoon to you too, John! So, what was your punishment?" Her voice lost some of its enthusiasm at the mention of punishment.
"Nothing too harsh, I just have to hang around the old bats," she looked surprised then slightly angry that I was besmirching her divine leaders, "and then there's the princesses... they are such handfuls!" Twilight shook her head, smiling wryly as Spike came plodding up, "Oh yeah, Spike do you breath fire?" He nodded, before blowing a rather sizable flame. I grinned, "now hit me with it, don't worry I can pyromance!" He looked at Twilight, who nodded before blasting my hand worth green flame, "ooh, that's really nice..." I moaned as the fire flooded my body, I was struggling to keep down the hounds, "unf," Spike stopped giving me flame, looking at my hand, which was now glowing red. The pleasurable feeling slowly left, leaving me severely aroused with nowhere to let it go. I was rather pissed, to be honest, "Dude! Not. Cool. I was enjoying that!" Spike looked ready to pass out. 'Looks like that fire absorbing did a number on him.'
Then I crossed my arms, forgetting about the dragon fire I just soaked up. The immediate reaction was that my sleeve caught on fire, ruining yet another shirt. I must be setting a record here with clothing destruction. Twilight was blushing heavily, her mouth wide open.
Spike was blissfully ignorant, running off and hopping up onto Rarity, before lying down into her neck. It was kind of cute, in a way. Rarity definitely thought so, cooing at the tired body of the drake on her back.
Twilight coughed, "Umm I was wondering..." She twirled her hoof around on the ground, "You are the only human I've seen, so... um," jeez she's worse than the shy one whose name I forget, "Could you answer some questions I have about your species?" She was looking up at me with puppy dog eyes.
"Eh, sure. When are we going to do this?"
Then everything changed when the Rainbow Dash attacked, "Woah! What were YOU guys talking about!? All I heard was something about 'doing it'!" Dammit Skittles.
Twilight was stuttering heavily, failing to put together a single word of response, much to the blue pegasus' mirth.
I simply rolled my eyes, pulling the high flyer down to eye level, "Pfft, so what? Why are you making a big deal about it? For all you know I could be rutting the princesses so hard their beds break, but why do you feel the need to embarrass Twi publicly? That's her parents' job, not yours," get shut down biatch! Then she burst out laughing, what? Then I felt Celestia's spectrum hair thing graze my shoulder.
"What was that about rutting us?" Shit, Luna heard me too...
"Fuck me and my big mouth..." I facepalmed.
"Gladly," the newly named 'Molestia' was walking around me.
The feral look she had in her eyes vanished with a giggle. They were just taking the piss. Thankfully. Losing my virginity to a princess sounds hot, but I'd prefer not to cuck Lavan out with Celestia, and there is a negative chance of me fucking Luna.
The younger of the two sisters just snorted and teleported away. Tssh, Spoilsport.
"Right," I pushed the intruding Pegasus away, "so when are we going to set up the Q&A, Twi? Twilight, you there?" I snapped my fingers in front of her face, that got her attention, "you ok? you keep spacing out anytime something in the least bit sexual happens."
"Nothing!" She declared, I wasn't going to pry into her private life, I might act real experienced but I'm more virgin than... I don't know what! Make one up yourselves if you're reading this, "uh, well we could just go to my room," she turned to her fellow princess, "Princess, is it alright if I ask John some questions about... where are you from?" Her gaze shifted between Celestia and I.
"England." Land of fish, chips and nothing else too important.
"...about England?" Celestia nodded. Twilight seemed pretty bookish to me, so I couldn't wait to blow her mind with the idea of the Internet.
"Well my country is part of a collection of countries called the United Kingdom. We drink a lot and know stuff, mainly. Affection was actually banned in England during the early thirteen-hundreds and in order to succeed their father as man or woman of the house, we duel to the death on horseback." I might as well just chat shit for a while. Not like they'll ask much more about the place than that.
"Interesting. It reminds me of early Griffin civilisations." Celestia offered. "Aside from the on horseback bit. The Griffins kept to themselves, if you know what I mean."
"Nice." I smirked as the two of us left Teilight in the proverbial dust, thanks to her still bring smol and innocent.
After that I had a pleasant conversation with AppleJack, the element of honesty, unsuprisingly: she's an apple farmer! Who woulda thunk it! She was quite enthusiastic about her job, "So yer sayin' that hoomans can change what fruits act like by givin' 'em those gene things?" She was quite astonished by the revelation that you could get apples to grow faster and juicier by splicing them.
I nodded, "it's quite a popular method in better off countries like mine, you can make entirely new species with it."
Back on Earth I was always one to marvel at technology, how it changed humans back home, how it protected them, how it enabled such destruction with a single button push, how it kept us fed, and the many other things it did for us. I imagine most of this is going over your heads, unless you're human, so I'll shut my yap and continue the story.
"That's amazing! But... erm, ain't it kinda cheatin', if not everyone can do it?" I shrugged.
"You aren't alone in that point of view, but I would say that cheating is impossible when it comes to science."
She nodded, giving me an "uh huh." Of mild confusion, I imagined some of it might have been going over here head, since genetic sciences is probably a bit out of her field of expertise. There's just an awkward silence as I don't really have anything more to say to her.
Celestia swooped in and saved the day, "John, you do realise I was joking about having to stay by me the entire festival.
"Really? Sounds like you just want me to go cause some trouble."
"Possibly." She slapped me on the back with a wing. "Or maybe I can just see your obvious boredom leaking out. Go have fun."
"Sheesh, fine. You're the one who's gonna deal with the possible backlash of letting out such a handsome human unguarded on the streets of Canterlot."
"I'm sure you'll survive. You aren't that charming, you know?"
"Ouch, my pride. See ya Sunbutt." I parted the sea of various ponies in the street, noting the variety of species out and about. A few Griffins had showed up, along with some thestrals.
I wonder if that guard captain is here?
I was snapped out of my thoughts from a carriage coming through the middle of the road. The driver yelled at me. "Out of the way, yer blocking the road, ya dimwit!" I huffed at his words, moving out of the way before I smacked the side of the chariot in response.
What a dick. There's probably a pub around somewhere. Maybe that carriage is going somewhere nice. I decided to follow it, in an attempt to satisfy my curiosity. Surely it must have been carrying a reputable pony in the back.
----
The sight I was greeted with as I came through the doors of the establishment was rather extravagant. Marble pillars decorating the room and jewels embedded in the walls. A couple paintings of the princesses and landscapes of Canterlot and the surrounding area.
The driver from the carriage was nowhere to be seen, despite it being parked directly outside. There was a gaggle of unicorns sat at one of the central tables though, being waited on by servants.
One of the servants, a pegasus, noticed my presence, flying in front of me. "Excuse me! Sir, this restaurant has been hired out by these guests. I am going to have to ask you to leave."
"Ok! Ok! Chill. Hey, stop pushing me. I'm moving." He attempted to push me out of the establishment, my shoes making an awful squeaking noise as they slid against the smooth surface of the floor.
"Lunch Rush! Be a dear and show the stallion to his seat." A mare called, waving a pristine white hoof.
"Uh. What?" Who's the posh mare trying to get me to sit with her?
The demure mare ushered me towards her with a slightly seductive tone. "Come now, sir. Princess Celestia and Luna have been talking quite extensively with you over the last few days. The nobility has noticed your... exploits."
"Nobility? You guys aren't on some GoT stuff are you?" I asked, the two stallions at the table sizing me up.
"What is 'got'?" The mare asked.
"Nothing important." I pulled out one of the open chairs. "Why do you want to talk?"
"You certainly are straight to the point, I admire that. My name is Fleur De Lis. The two fine gentle stallions on either side of you are Prince Blueblood and Fancy Pants, respectively." I hid a smirk at the name of the second one.
Blueblood took the initiative. "How do you do?" He presented a hoof.
"Good. How are you?" If my senses were correct, he wanted me to kiss his hoof, but I settled for a firm handshake.
"I am... fine, thank you. My aunts have been rather busy with you lately."
Prince... "You're related to Celestia and Luna? I thought there was only two of them."
"Not quite. My family have been with the two of them since Canterlot's conception, they saw fit to have us instated as a sort of pseudo-royalty. I'm tasked with keeping the peace with other nations sometimes."
An ambassador. "Cool. How about you, Fancy?" Blueblood looked slightly miffed that all I had to say in response to his occupation was cool, but was mature enough not to be a dick about it.
Fleur and I keep the nobility under control. There are a fair few bad apples in Canterlot, something you'll find out, given enough time in the streets of our fine city."
Fleur cut in. "As for why we wanted to see you? You are quite the Discord of the card pack known as Canterlot."
"Excuse me, but I don't get the reference."
"The fifty-third card in the pack?" She sipped at a glass of wine.
"Oh, the Joker. That's what my people call it. Odd that we have a similar game back home."
"That was another thing we've been meaning to ask." Blueblood said. "Where do you come from? Are your people looking for you?"
"No. They can't. We don't have magic in the way ponies do, so being whisked off to some magical land filled with ponies is probably beyond the scope of any investigation into my disappearance."
"We are sorry to hear that." Blueblood continued. "Care for a drink?" Blueblood lightly shook the bottle of wine as one of the servants slid a glass onto the table. I'd nearly forgotten were there, thanks to how quiet they were.
"Sure. I was planning on getting pissed today anyway." After the waiter had poured out the drink, I gulped it down, savouring the warm feeling in my mouth. It was good stuff, but I'm no posh cunt who can tell every tiny feature of the wine apart. "Fuck. Pony alcohol is kind of weak. Not gonna lie."
"Should we tell him?" Fancy Pants looked between his two compatriots.
"No, it would probably be more amusing to watch." Fleur slinked down from her seat and over to me.
"What are you guys talking about? Oh, oh shit." I felt the alcohol take effect. "Fleur, what the fuck is in this?" She tapped me on the nose and I fell backwards...
----
"Hold up." I said, waking from my slumber, a note hung over my head. "Something ain't right." I blinked, grabbing the paper from my face. A light throbbing somewhere in my brain was causing me immense discomfort.
It was a clear tactical error, as once I removed it, I was assaulted with blinding sunlight. "Gahhhh. Fucking headache. What does this shitty note even say?" I narrowed my eyes, trying to focus on the small pin writing.
Hello again, Jonathan. This is from Fleur. I had you taken back to the palace, as you were in no form to continue that conversation. The princesses and your friends are aware you are here. Any and all of your belongings ahould be on your person or in a small bag that was sent to the room with you. The purpose of our meeting was to evaluate your likelyhood as a political threat, you very obviously are not, and so you will most likely not see us very often. This process is done to most ponies who end up in close proximity to the princesses.
I hope this letter has alleviated your worries.
a small emblem of the Fleur de lis was present at the bottom of the page.
"Huh. Doesn't it make it obvious that it's her if she literally puts her namesake at the bottom of the page? Whatever, not like I care."
Sighing, I contemplated the fact that I've lost count of how many times I've passed out over the last few days. Five, six? Hell, I dunno.
On further inspection, I noticed I was in Twilight's study. I could hear her humming somewhere else in her quarters. The cheerful sound slightly stinging my ears.
"Twi? You there?"
Then Twilight blessed me with the holy gift of a hangover recovery spell, I didn't know and don't care why she had a hangover spell. All I know is it gave me relief from my torture.
"Twilight?" Her horn stopped glowing, "You are the best princess..." She smiled gleefully before making a noise I can only describe as a 'squee'. I looked around, the hangover still slowly waring off, "what time is it?"
"It's ten in the morning, you were out for nearly twenty hours, John." Twenty!? New record!
"Pfft, I've had worse," she opened her mouth to respond but I cut her off, "No I've not really, it was just a joke." she closed her mouth before seating herself behind the desks I was using to study on earlier.
She sighed, looking at the scattered books all over it, filing them away automatically with her magic, "you know, I used to read these same books on this same desk, back when I was still learning about magic. It's funny, really, I lived here for so long... but it isn't the home it used to be anymore," my friendship sense is tingling.
A shortened version of what she said: "it just shows how far I've come with my friends, that they ARE my home."
I was reminded of a certain episode of The Inbetweeners and 'friendly friends'. Man that show was great back in the day.
I just spaced out, thinking about what it would be like if Twilight saw 'Twilight' the movie for no reason in particular.
"John? John! are you even listening?" Oh.
"Yes, I was. Can we do the Q&A thing we talked about earlier? I'd like to get it over and done with," she readied herself again, a quill and pile of scrolls levitating up next to her.
Something tells me I'm going to be here for a while.
I was. I gave Twilight a fairly censored version of history: not massive detail into the bad parts. She thought I was lying when I mentioned electricity, and was under the impression that magic was the only way to generate such power. Blasphemy! Apparently basic physics was no longer a thing in Equestria anymore. Probably due to the moving the 'sun and moon' bullshit the sisters had pulled on everyone.
"Those pens you have?" Thankfully I left it here when I incinerated that room, "those are as commonplace as quills?" I nodded, "How do you humans think this stuff up!? It took decades of work to create our airships, yet you can build them in minutes, one after the other!"
"We're efficient, simple as that. It doesn't help that you guys have to hoof craft this stuff instead if having it on a factory system."
She gazed over at the clock, "Eleven! It's late, I should go..." She made for the door.
"Twi, there won't be any trains till tomorrow. You should sleep here, I can take the sofa downstairs," Twilight's only been nice to me for as long as I've known her, I might as well let her stay.
"I couldn't! I should just get another in the castle then..." the look I gave her made her chuckle, then she turned back and hopped onto the bed, "fine, but you know if Shining finds out I'm in the same room as a stallion when I sleep, there'll Tartarus to pay!" I rolled my eyes, walking down the small pony size stairs, laying myself down on the sofa by the warm fire and starting to train my magic once again.
I should've realised what I started that Sunday morning, but now that I look back at it, it was horrifyingly easy to see.