Twilight's Guide to Extraterrestrials

by Eventual Perception


Stranger In A Strange Land

Rainbow Dash was not one for scaring easily, which was what made it all the more unnerving for her friends who watched her fidget and jerk as she stood in front of them in room away from the crowd. She had flown in haphazardly, alarmed and frightened as though she had seen a ghost; certainly, her friends had never seen her so shaken up before, and quickly sequestered her away from other ponies. She held herself tightly, glancing at the windows, her usual confident charm certainly diminished to almost nothing. When her friends addressed her, she said nothing; when Celestia addressed her, nothing still; when Chrysalis demanded an answer on threat of immense pain, again, she offered nothing. Her friends looked at each other, and Chrysalis shook her head, and then Dash began to rock back and forth anxiously. Then, there was warmth at her chin and, then, Fluttershy's eyes looking into hers.

"What happened, Dashie?"

"It didn't even have to try. It did it so easily." Dash rocked back and forth some more, inhaling great puffs of air. Hyperventilating.

"Dashie, you have to calm down. Take some deep breaths, we need to know what happened." She put her hands on the sides of Dash's face, trying to calm her. "Come on, Dashie. You can do this. We need you to tell us so that we can help."

"I don't know what it was." Dash spoke very softly, so softly that most passerby's would have mistaken her voice for Fluttershy's. "It just came out of the forest, like a ghost. That's what it was, a ghost."

"Ha!" huffed Chrysalis.

"Shh!" Celestia nudged the Changeling queen. "Go on, Rainbow Dash."

Dash gulped. She closed her eyes, and spoke: "It was tall. It looked like a lizard, I guess, with a mask and a gun sort-of-thing on its shoulder. It killed the two Changelings, and it is probably what killed Flash and his friend."

"Wait..... Flash Sentry is dead?" Twilight asked.

"It killed my soldiers?!" Chrysalis hissed.

"Yeah, Twi; pretty bad, too. It blew up one of the guard's heads, and then it pulled the head off of Flash, and put it on a stick."

"On a stick? What in tarnation would do such a thing?"

"I don't know, AJ. That thing, whatever it is."

There was a knock at the door, and all turned as it opened - one of Celestia's royal guards peeked his head in. "Um, excuse me, Princess Celestia, but we've received word of some strange activity out at Sweet Apple Acres. I was wondering if, uh, given the recent announcement from Karellen if you'd, uh, like us to check it out."

"Ah no ya ain't," Applejack said. "That's my farm, that's my business! I'll check it out."

As Applejack started towards the door, Celestia said to the guard, "go with her. And take a couple others, too. No, don't ask why, just do what I tell you."

"Yes, Princess Celestia," and with that the door was shut.


"Are you ever going to stop staring at that stupid barn?"

"It's not stupid, Lyra, it's Sweet Apple Acres and, right now, there's something in there. I don't know what, but I'll find out." Bon Bon began to walk from the orchard toward the barn.

"I said to stop staring, not to go there!" Lyra tried to keep up, having to walk faster than she would have really liked to keep up with Bon Bon's brisk stride. "What if there's something dangerous in there."

"Why would it be dangerous, Lyra?"

"Well, we did hear it sharpening something. What if it was sharpening a weapon?"

"Then it's probably weak and I can defeat it even with its weapons."

"What about the Royal Guards? They have weapons, and they're not weak."

"You're getting thinky, Lyra. Stop it, would you? Stay back if you're uncomfortable with this."

The pre-dawn hours were beginning to turn light gray with the impending dawn, and the wind caressed their manes as they moved silently across the fields, closing in on the barn. It was dark inside, and there had been no sound since the shrill whine of sharpening metal met their ears what seemed to be hours earlier, at about the same time a distant howl had suddenly haunted them. They'd sent a Pegasus to Canterlot to alert the Royal Guard, but Bon Bon had insisted on maintaining a vigil until they had arrived. Lyra looked at Bon Bon, and grabbed her hand. Bon Bon shook herself free, and said "don't be a baby" to Lyra without looking at her. Lyra scowled. They were almost to the barn.

Bon Bon reached the door and tried to open it, found it to be cold and somewhat sticky in the cold pre-dawn darkness. She grunted and the door slid open. It was dark inside, but she could find that she could see well enough, so she took a step inside, then looked back at Lyra. "Psst! You coming?"

Lyra looked back towards Ponyville, then nodded. "Yeah," she said as she went inside.


While it was true that the fastest beings in Equestria were those that could fly, ponies such as Applejack could make pretty good time when they forsook their two-legged posture to run on all fours, a unique evolutionary hack that was the result of the not quite perfect posture that was common to all ponies. The hooves did not provide adequate surface area, and when standing erect, the tail did quite a lot of work as far as pulling the body backwards; the solution was easy - the spinal column angled towards the front, counteracting the tail.

She ran, breathing heavily, with her brother beside her as the Royal Guards led the way in the sky above her.


Lyra looked around the barn, not quite sure what it was that she was looking for, but nonetheless trying to be productive for her friend. Her good friend, her very good friend, her marefriend if you asked anybody else, but what did they know? Nothing, really, since they never really bothered to ask and simply made assertions. So she looked, not seeing much besides darkness, and the loose hay strewn around the floor. She really couldn't see anything at all.

"Lyra!" Bon Bon whispered from across the barn so that Lyra wasn't sure she'd actually heard her friend, and feared she was hearing things. But when she whispered "Lyra!" again, she did indeed look over, and saw Bon Bon looking at her somewhat excitedly. "Come here!" She pointed towards something laying partially covered in the hay. Lyra couldn't make out what it was until she had walked quite a bit closer, covered as it was in hay. It looked something like a pony might look like - two arms, two legs, a head. But it looked different from a pony, as well - no hair, no fur, and a frighteningly shortened face without any muzzle to speak of. It was tall, and muscular, and its eyes were covered by two large black circles - goggles, maybe, Lyra thought. She saw Bon Bon motioning down towards the creature. "Look," she whispered, "in its hand." Lyra saw it - the tip of a pitchfork, the tips sharpened. That must have been what they had heard. Bon Bon bent over, reaching toward it.

"Bon Bon!" Lyra whispered. "Don't! Don't touch it! Wait for help!"

"I'll be fine, Lyra. See?" She waved a hand in front of the creatures face, but it didn't move. "It's sleeping too deep. Besides, do you really want it to have something sharp?"

"I thought a weapon made it weak."

"Laugh it up, Lyra." Bon Bon brushed some of the hay aside, and exposed the entirety of the weapon, loosely held in the grip of the creature. Bon Bon looked at Lyra, who shook her head nervously, then ignored her. She grabbed the weapon by the tip of one of the four points, and very gently tried to remove it from the creatures hand, holding her breath as the metal slid against the skin of the creature's palm. It was then she could hear shouting.

"Bon Bon! Where are you? We're heading toward the barn!" Applejack, somewhat far away and muffled, but too loud none the less. She cringed, eyes almost shut, and she looked at the creature. It remained motionless. She tried to pull the weapon from its grasp, and it was then that the hand clamped shut and in one unbelievably swift motion the creature kicked her legs out from under her. She fell hard, landing on her side with a grunt, and the creature was crouching up around her, taking her in its strong grip and holding the weapon to her throat.

Shit! she thought, as Lyra called out to the new arrivals.


"Bon Bon! Where are you? We're heading toward the barn!"

The Hish picked up the sound from perhaps a mile away, and turned to see four quickly moving thermal signatures moving towards a large structure. It cocked its head. Perhaps the Riddick was there. If it wasn't, well, it did have some time to kill.


"Shut up!" Riddick yelled as he pushed the sharpened points harder against Bon Bon's skin.

He could hear the sounds of something landing outside the barn, and then another. He looked down, and in the fading darkness he found that he had taking hold of one of the things he had seen earlier, in the town. How they found him, he didn't know; maybe, he thought, it was the sound of him sharpening a weapon. Irony was a total bitch. "Do not come in!"

"What's going on?" A female voice, from outside the barn.

"He's got Bon Bon!" the green creature shuddered before him. "What do I do, Applejack?"

"You'll do nothing!" He barked at her.

"Who are you?" The voice, Applejack, said from outside the barn.

"Who are all of you?"

"Let Bon Bon go, and we can talk about this."

"No, here's what we're going to do. Whoever is out there is going back to that town, you, green thing, you're going to make sure they go. Once they leave, you can have your girlfriend back."

"We're not together together, okay? We're just friends."

From outside: "Not the time, Lyra. And we don't negotiate with anypony who uses another pony as a shield, either!"

Bon Bon struggled to dig down beneath the hay with her fingers, and when she came to the dirt, she took a handful of it as slowly and as quietly as she could. She had a plan - if she could get the goggles off, then she could throw dirt in his face and maybe get away, then they could all beat him into submission. All she had to do was - pain as the points pierced her skin and blood leaked into her fur.

"That is a very bad idea," Riddick said. He grimmaced. "So," he said, "what are we supposed to do now?"


The Hish stopped, standing on a branch and surveying the scene before it. It could see, in addition to the four heat signatures, an additional three in the barn, one of which had specifications close enough to only be the Riddick. The four had lead the Hish right to the Riddick, and how it would kill them all, distracted as they were by their own petty conflict. It could hear the argument, the words being thrown around as it moved stealthily closer.

"You let Bon Bon go," one of the four signatures said. And then, from inside the barn: "Are you serious?"

"Eeyup," said another of the outside signatures.

The Hish moved closer as the creatures argued, content with its plan to kill them all - the creatures on this planet had yet to prove to be a challenge to its skills. It was almost to the barn now, and it leapt from a branch and landed with a heavy thud on the roof, still cloaked, still invisible.


Lyra looked up at the roof, as did Bon Bon and Riddick. Then Riddick looked at Lyra.

"You should tell your friends out there they have bad timing."

"Why?"

The roof gave way, and the pre-dawn light flooded in as the wood splintered and fell around them. Lyra and Bon Bon covered their eyes, Bon Bon surprised to find that Riddick had let her go. Applejack raced inside with Big Mac, telling the Royal Guards to keep watch. They stopped, the dust from the collapsed ceiling swirling around them. "Ah, nuts," Big Mac said. "Now we'll have to fix it again." He looked at Riddick, who simply said, "very bad timing." Big Mac cocked his head.

It was then that the scream came, from one of the Royal Guards. "Applejack! On the roof! It's on the ---" The guard was cut off as a circular blade, lit on the side in alien colors, sliced into his face, bone shattering as his eyes stared wildly at the roof. The blade trembled, and then freed itself from the Pegasus who fell to the ground, blood spewing from the gaping wound. The ponies could only stare in disbelief as the other guard simply drew his weapon and leaped onto the roof.

Only to be thrown down the hole with a scream. He landed with a thud, dazed, and was about to get up when his head splattered into a thousand pieces as the Hish fell down on top of him with a well placed foot. The ponies stared silently for a moment as the Hish stood up while Riddick backed away, and then, without much warning, Big Mac attacked. He swung at the creature, who merely dodged, and blocked each blow before kicking Big Mac away. Big Mac flew much farther than he should have, and it was then that the rest of the ponies reacted. The Hish looked at Big Mac as he lay there, motionless. It then looked around at the remaining ponies - and the Riddick. It took a step forward toward its prey only to be thrown to the side.

"Ah no ya don't!" Applejack screamed so that she was utterly incomprehensible in her rage. The Hish fell to the ground, and Appljejack kicked it with her hooves, denting the metal armor. "How! Dare! You! Hurt! Big! Mac!" Her eyes burned with a rage that filled Lyra with fear. "How! Dare! You!" And on her next kick, the creature grabbed her leg, and tore her down violently, and placed a kick to the bottom of her chin. Her head jerked back as the sound of teeth crunching apart filled her head, followed by a very severe, very sharp pain. She groaned, hoping for help --

When came as Bon Bon landed on the Hish and rolled, awkwardly throwing the creature away. "Lyra!" She yelled as she moved to help Applejack, "help me now!" But Lyra didn't move, she couldn't - she was too busy watching the monster get back up, seemingly unharmed from the throw or Applejack's many kicks. It took a step forward. "Lyra!" Bon Bon screamed. "Lyra!"

Riddick, who had watched this, had decided that whatever the furry things were, this masked thing was worse, and despite the mask he had gotten the impression that it had wanted him. So, while Lyra was whimpering and Bon Bon was screaming at her to help, and as the creature was recovering, he acted. He ran toward the creature, jumped and tackled it, stabbing it in the side with this pitch fork. The creature let out a scream, and with an arm pushed him off. He rolled, unharmed, and came to his feet with his pitchfork smeared in glowing chartreuse blood. The creature righted itself, a hand on its side, and then looked at the Riddick and screamed. Three red dots appeared on Riddick's chest.

"Oh, shit."

Before it could fire, the Hish was thrown to the ground by a big red mass - Big Mac, who had recovered, as full of anger and hate, and began pounding against the creature with his fists as he weighed him down. The creature struggled against, but couldn't get any leverage; Big Mac began to laugh as he beat the creature until he felt a searing pain in his side. The Hish, unable to move, had simply released its wrist blade into Big Mac's side. Big Mac yelled, and tried to move backwards, but found that any movement just caused the blade to do more damage.
There was the sound of metal being broken, and he was pulled backwards, pain filling his vision - then he was on his back, Riddick standing over him. Riddick had kicked the blade at such an angle that it had broken.

"Move!" Riddick shouted as he ran from the barn. Big Mac, in pain, took Applejack from a struggling Bon Bon, slumped her over his shoulder, and began to run as well, almost keeping pace with Riddick despite his burden and his pain. "Come on, Lyra," Bon Bon said as she took her friends hand and pulled her beside her as she broke into a run.

"What about the --"

"Don't think about it! Don't look back, Lyra!" Suddenly, there was a crack of electric light as the Hish attempted to fire its plasma cannon at them. The first few shots missed, zinging by the running figures, the equipment damaged from the surprised tackle by Big Mac. Then, a shot connected, with Lyra's back. She screamed and fell, her hand slipping from Bon Bon's as she kept running. Then, a new target was made, and a shot fired, and, as Bon Bon looked back to help her friend, Bon Bon's own head exploded from the electric projectile. "Bon Bon! No!" And then, with another bold of electric light, her head also was transmogrified into a cascade of brilliant crimson. The predator took a step forward, but the big red thing - and the Riddick - were out of range. Four were enough for this morning, it reasoned.


They found them in one of the houses of Ponyville, Big Mac huddled over Applejack while Riddick sat in quietly, hands tied behind his back. When Twilight and the Royal Guards landed, she spoke: "Is Applejack alright?"

"I dunno. Reckon she ain't, judging from the blood loss. Faint heartbeat, faint breathing. Tied up the other one."

"Tied up?"

"Eeyup. Didn't see me coming after we ran, so ah hit 'im on the head, and tied him up."

"Is he alright?"

"You know, I'm right here." Twilight turned to Riddick, who spoke again. "Why don't you try asking me?"

"Are you alright?"

"Your friend there hits like a Johns."

"What happened?"

"All I wanted was some sleep, but your friends - Lyra and Bon Bon - decided to sneak up on me. The rest.... I've got no idea."

"What did this to Applejack?"

Riddick looked at her. "Did I stutter?"

Twilight huffed. Then looked at one of the guards. "Take her to Canterlot right away. Maybe we can save her."

"Really? You sure? She lost a lot of blood." Riddick said.

"Ah'll teach ya!" Big Mac moved toward Riddick and prepared to kick him when Twilight stopped him.

"Big Mac! No! We.... listen, based on what happened here, and what Rainbow Dash described, we might need him. You - what's your name?"

"What's my name? What's yours?"

"Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship."

"Hmmmm." Riddick stood up, awkwardly, and then began to raise his hands. There was a popping sound as he dislocated his arms from his shoulders, which made Twilight cringe, and then cringe again as he popped them in again. His arms no longer behind his back, he brought them down hard, and the rope Big Mac had tied him with burst apart and fell from his wrists. He rubbed the irritation from his restraints, and stepped forward, and held out a hand. "Richard B. Riddick. Escaped convict, murderer."