Dan picked up his pace as he neared the east side exit, almost breaking into a sprint and forcing Vice to speed up as well. Vice wasn't used to running; his boots were made for standing or kneeling down for long hours, not running after people. This whole plan had sounded like a bad idea from the start and it just kept getting worse. Vice had felt like he was being forced down a dark path ever since he got off the elevator and now he was being forced to go faster.
"Uh, Dan?" he asked, trying to keep up.
"Not now!"
"Err-uh, Dan, I'm the head surgeon."
"So?" Dan looked over his shoulder.
"So I need to clear this with my staff before I-"
"No time," Dan said, turning around again.
Vice stopped in his tracks. "Now, hold on just a second. I have a responsibility to-"
Dan spun around and held his cell phone out like it was still a phaser. "You have a responsibility to shut your arse up and keep moving. Now, come on."
But the doctor did not move. "I'm going to notify the head nurse on the intercom. Now, you can either vaporize me where I stand and face an inquiry when the entire hospital sees you or you can head outside and prepare for our departure. Your choice."
The human's lip flared as he considered all options. Reluctantly, he pocketed the phone again and turned around.
"Thank you," Vice said, turning to the wall intercom. "Paging head nurse, please dial outgoing two-five-bee. Head nurse, two-five-bee, please."
*braaaam*"Head nurse Lightning Dust here."
"Yes, Mrs. Dust? It's Vice from surgery. Could you tell Medic to cover for me?"
"Which medic, doctor? TF2 Medic, TF2 Episode 2 Medic, TF4 Medic, Battlefield Medic, Frontline Medic-"
"Whichever one is availab-"
"Mass Effect Medic, Medal of Honor Medic, Halo Medic, Halo Wars Medic-"
Dan chuckled, amused at the exchange. The doctor noticed him, adding more pressure to the situation.
"Lightning-"
"Call of Duty Medic, Elliot Tercorien from Fallout 3, we also have-"
"LIGHTNING!" Vice yelled. "Please, just whatever medic is closest."
"TF2 it is, doctor!" the voice on the intercom said cheerily. "Would you like Red or Blu Medic?"
"Green. Or… tangerine. Or both," Vice answered and hung up the intercom. He turned to see Dan sporting a smug look as he leaned against the wall, waiting for him.
"Calling in mercenary help? I didn't know you were so short-staffed," the human chuckled.
Vice glared unamusedly. "We didn't want to reference a medical drama so… there was only so much we could do before Medic showed up somewhere. Seriously, this is a hospital in an evil alternate dimension of a crossover fic. It was only a matter of time until Team Fortress 2 was involved."
Dan pointed to Vice's side. "Is that why Henry Winkler is here?"
Vice looked over to Henry Winkler who was just there. He then turned back to Dan, frowning. "Yes, that's why Henry Winkler is here. Let's go."
The pair passed two nurses and the rest of the cast of Children's Hospital on the way to the exit. They went through the double doors simultaneously and closed both doors at the same time, making sure as few as possible saw them leave.
"Going somewhere, Dan?"
"-so soon, Dan?"
Two voices asked him at the same time.
Dan stopped in his tracks forcing Vice to do the same. Two gray mares stood in front of them, blocking their path to some kind of aircraft just beyond them.
"Oh, uh… well, hello ladies," Dan said, trying to sound casually authoritative. "I'm afraid I don't have time to chat. I'm on official business, very hush hush for the Empire. Ya know what I mean," he said, trying to reassure them.
"Uh, no we don't."
"Nope."
"More friends of yours?" Vice asked.
Dan looked over his shoulder at Vice, pulling the neck of his shirt. "Just uh, some ponies I've… known. Closely."
The two mares glared at Dan, faces frozen in disdain. Sighing, they turned to Vice Grip. "I'm Diffuse," the first one, a pegasus said.
"She's Diffuse," the unicorn mare than said. "And uh, errr…"
"I'm Diffuse and she's-"
"I'm Disarm and she's-"
"WILL YOU STOP TRYING TO TALK OVER ME?!"
"-OVER ME?!"
"UGH!"
"GUH!"
The two rolled their eyes at each other and turned away, both in a different way from the other.
Vice looked at Dan. "They're who?"
The human turned to Vice with an awkward grin. "This is Blast Diffuse and Blast Disarm. They're Ordnance Decommissioning and Disposal ponies. And they're sisters… even if they don't get along that much."
Diffuse, the pegasus was missing her tail and the tips of her wings were blackened as if they'd been singed. Disarm, the unicorn sister was bald and her horn was jet black like it had been on fire. The sisters spoke one after the other and tried to complete each others' sentences but failed. The friction between them was clear and almost tangible. Despite the fact that they were related, they had an almost unstable hostility between them.
"You're not going anywhere, Dan." Diffuse walked up to him.
"-not leaving, Dan." Disarm moved closer.
"Not until we're done with you."
"-finished with you."
"Girls," Dan stepped forward, arms outstretched. "We can work this out. What's got my favorite bomb squad down?"
"YOU GAVE US DRAGON HERPES!"
"-HERPES!" The two yelled at him, knocking him back.
Vice deadpanned. Dan froze, mortified. "L-ladies… uh, umm," he swallowed. "C-can't this wait?"
"NO!"
"-OPE!" they yelled at the same time. "You're going to pay for this one, Dan."
"-suffer for this, Dan." Disarm lifted him up with her magic.
"Hey-hu-heyheyheyHEY!" Dan struggled as he was turned upside down in the air.
"When did you first develop symptoms of dragon herpes?" Vice asked.
"Uh, doctor?" Dan asked, dangling. "Do you really think this is the best time for that?"
"Shut up!" Diffuse yelled at both of them, flying up to where her sister was holding Dan. "We've already decided what we're going to do with you."
"What we've planned on doing."
"Girls," Dan managed a smile. "I'm a very connected man. We can work this out."
"And who have you come into contact with lately?" Vice asked.
"Doctor, please," Dan said, leaning away from where Diffuse was glaring at him. "I can handle this."
"What difference does it make?"
"Why does it matter?" the pair asked, now listening to Vice.
Vice had pulled out a notepad and pencil and was jotting down notes. "I'm trying to make an accurate diagnosis. Now, you believe you contracted dragon herpes from Dan?"
"Yes!"
"Yeah!"
"I see," Vice said, writing it down.
"…Are you seriously doing this right now?" Dan asked, hanging in the air.
Vice continued writing. "And how long ago was it you saw Dan?"
"Last week."
"A week ago."
"I see," Vice said.
Dan hung helpless, wondering what kind of punishment his former acquaintances had in mind for him. He grinned at Diffuse, who was upside down from his perspective. "C'mooooon. We had a good time, didn't we? All we had was one date."
One thing Diffuse and Disarm did share though was a facial expression. They both scowled at him. "You didn't tell us you had dragon herpes!"
"-that you were infected!"
Dan recoiled from both of them yelling. "Please, if you're gonna yell at me, at LEAST do it one at a time."
"And what kind of interactions did you have on this date?" Vice asked.
Diffuse glanced over at him. "We kissed him."
Disarm looked over to him. "He kissed us."
"Did a little nuzzling."
"Muzzle rubbed."
"I see," Vice said, making note of that.
"We had… fun, didn't we?" Dan asked, begging for mercy.
"We did."
"Sure," the sisters said.
"Until we woke up the next morning."
"Until the next day."
Dan recoiled, scathed again.
"Well," Vice said, ripping off a note from the notepad. "I don't think you contracted dragon herpes from Dan."
"OOOF!" Dan hit the floor, suddenly released from Disarm's magic. "Thanks a lot for that!"
The two mares ignored him. "What do you mean we didn't get it from Dan?"
"-he didn't give to us?"
Vice pocketed his pencil and notepad. "We've been dealing with a lot of cases of dragon herpes ever since Spike came back from Rheno. And honestly, the herpes virus is everywhere and even if you're not having symptoms, you can spread it. Four out of five ponies have it and about ninety-nine percent of the human population in Equestria has some form of it. If you experience cold sores the day after kissing someone, it's likely you've had it for a long time and are just now experiencing symptoms. Dan probably doesn't know he has it."
"Uhh, that's right!" Dan quickly said, scrambling to his feet and hiding behind Vice. "I don't have any weird diseases or anything and I certainly would've told you if I did."
Vice looked over his shoulder at him. "Can you not touch me please?"
"Honestly girls, if I knew I had dragon herpes, I would have told you right away. You have my word," Dan assured them.
The two sisters glared at him for a long time. Finally, they said something. At the same time. "Fine. You can go."
"-ou're off the hook."
"Hold on a second, ladies," Vice strode up to them. "Take this with you," he said, handing them a slip of paper.
"What is this?"
"And this is?"
Vice smiled. "A prescription for vitamin DnD. It's the only effective treatment for dragon herpes. It'll stop the flare ups."
The two looked at the paper for a while, quizzical looks on their faces. "…thanks."
"Appreciated," they said and walked off.
Dan waited until they were both out of hearing range before he spoke again. "Vitamin DnD?"
Vice shrugged. "Yeah it's not really a cure but it'll give them something to do if they're getting cold sores."
"Right," the human said, nodding happily. "And hey, thanks for that back there."
"It's not a problem," the doctor said. "Just doing my job."
"Of course. And uh, one other thing…"
"Yeah?"
"You think I could get a prescription for vitamin DnD?" Dan asked.
"Sure," Vice said. "Just… don't touch me."