//------------------------------//
// Later Later Later (Bonus Chapter) 
// Story: Sombra The Highly Unmotivated 
// by naturalbornderpy 
//------------------------------//

Before Sombra could even shriek a single syllable, I jammed my whole fist into his mouth. Mentally, I’d only meant to cover his muzzle with my hand to shut him up. Physically, I ended up keeping my hand balled into a fist and nearly rammed it down his throat. Maybe I was still a bit peeved about the whole human-to-pony nonsense over the last few days. Either way, Sombra looked up at me in alarm, trying his best not to gag on my hand.
                
“Be quiet!” I hissed.
                
He nodded. Or nodded as much as he could with a mouthful of fist.
                
I retrieved my slobbery limp and wiped it on my shirt. “Who’s out there? You seem to have a clear understanding of who it might be.”
                
“Discord,” Sombra said breathlessly. “I could recognize that damn maniacal voice anywhere. And if he’s here, then I have no doubt—”
                
He stopped in mid-sentence when Discord knocked on the door again. “Hello! I do hope no one’s simply whispering about me in the living room instead of opening the door! That would be rather… rude, don’t you think? Or am I actually talking to an empty house right now?”
                
I could see his shadow splayed across the frosted glass on the door. Tall. Thin. Very little symmetry to the creature to be found. Sure, I’d seen Discord on the news and in interviews before, but to actually be in his presence for once? Honestly, I was more than a little scared. Steve’s book didn’t hold back telling the truth about the guy—the type of bastard that would give you a hug only to stick a sharpened candy cane in your back just for kicks. And then there was also that incident in that bar a hundred years ago or so…
                
Without thinking, I knelt and placed my hands together, mumbling to whoever up above might be listening.
                
To my side, Susanne angrily tapped on my shoulder. “Just what are you doing?”
                
“Praying,” I answered bluntly, moving on from Jesus to Buddha in my head.
                
“You’re an atheist, Greg.”
                
“Doesn’t mean I can’t ask for a favor, anyways.”
                
Susanne sighed, glancing at the doorway. “What’s so bad about Discord, even? He seems like a goof and that’s about it. One with magical powers, sure, but all unicorns have powers.”
                
Two religious figures in and I was already out. I stood back up. “But you never heard about what he did to Arthur Mitchell in a bar a hundred years ago.”
                
Susanne crossed her arms. “That’s an urban legend and nothing more, Greg. No witnesses ever came forward and it never even went to court!”
                
“Why do you think it never went to court?” I hooked a thumb towards the front entrance. “If he doesn’t like you he makes you disappear! Simple as that!”
                
“So what are we supposed to do, then? Hope he gives up and goes away?”
                
I shook my head. “I doubt that’s an option. Sombra, what do you—”
                
It was then I noticed Sombra wasn’t in the room anymore.
                
“Sombra? If I catch your stupid fluffy ass hiding under the couch, I’m gonna pull you right on out!”
                
Discord knocked on the door again, a little harder than before. “I’m going to count to six-hundred and twelve and if no one answers the door by then, I’ll assume no one’s home. And in that case, I’ll be coming inside anyways to make a PB and J and S and F and G and C sandwich. And you’d better have the right ingredients!” He paused, perhaps seeing if what he said would finally coax one of us to answer to the door. When no one moved, he loudly started counting: “One! Two! Three!”
                
I turned to Susanne. “Let’s find Sombra fast.”
 

***


 

It didn’t take long to track the furry bastard down. We entered the main hall and immediately heard books tumbling to the ground in our lavish library located in the east wing of the house. I shoved open the door and found Sombra anxiously walking back and forth in front of one wall of books, his horn illuminated and busily lifting out random text after random text before throwing them over his shoulder.
                
He glared at us. “Don’t just stand there, you fools! Help me find the book!”
                
I moved to the side to avoid a flying sociology book. “Which book?”
                
“I can’t remember!” Sombra growled. “But I know it’s around here somewhere!”
                
Susanne kept peering back into the hall. “Like a spell book? Something to use against Discord?”
                
“No!” Sombra roared, before a book accidentally clobbered him on the head. That seemed to refocus him. “Didn’t Steve ever tell you about his Discord Shelter?”
                
I snorted. I couldn’t help it. “You’re joking, right?”
                
He shook his head gravely. “No. After returning to Earth and starting construction on this place, Steve made it a priority to create a space completely Discord proof. He spent millions building it, contacting well-known unicorns and scientists alike to make sure that it would work.” Sombra hung his head sadly. “If only we had the shelter built before our 2035 New Years party.”
                
“What happened at your party?”
                
Sombra sighed. “Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
                
I raised a brow. “I don’t think you can blame Discord for your poor turnout, Sombra.”
                
He frowned. “No, Greg. When I say nothing, I mean that Discord came and sucked the life out of the party. Literally. He pulled a vacuum cleaner out of his ass and sucked out all the fun in the room. Said he’d save it for later.”
                
“Still can’t see you having much fun at a New Years party, Sombra. You’re not really the best people pony. Or pony pony. Or anything pony.”
                
Sombra sucked in a breath, his eyes glimmering. “But I was having fun, Greg. I was killing them. I was killing them all!”
                
“You were murdering your house guests?”
                
He looked up at me with a twinkle in his eyes. “Only at Mario Kart, Greg. Total domination.” He stared off as if remembering something fondly. “I could still remember the look of utter horror on Odd Bob’s face. I’m sure if I had just a little more time, I could’ve convinced one of them to commit suicide. He looked close… so close. So broken down and beaten. When that blue shell came out of nowhere and he was about to cross the finish line…”
                
I snapped my fingers in front of his face. “Focus, Sombra. What does the Discord Shelter have to do with a book? Is the shelter behind one of these stacks? Like a secret entrance-type deal?”
                
Sombra nodded. “Yes, but because the shelter was completed decades ago and was never tested, I’ve forgotten what book makes the shelf slide out. I know it must be around here somewhere, though.”
                
Out of the corner of my eye, I could glimpse Susanne strolling along the many shelves of books. She held a finger to her lips. “You sure Steve actually finished the shelter, Sombra? I must’ve picked up at least half of these books at some point just to browse them and no secret entrance ever appeared.”
                
“That’s because we placed it behind a book we thought no one would ever bother to read,” Sombra explained. “Something useless and better left ignored.” He looked up at the stacks of books again. He began selecting and chucking them to the floor. “Let’s see. ‘Best Wood Varnishes’. No. ‘The Rise and Fall of King Sombra’. No, because the second half’s just terrible and inaccurate. ‘Friendship for Dummies’. No, I think I’m good. Oh, here we go!”
                
His crimson aura pulled out a thin text and immediately the shelf of books swung outward, revealing a set of spiral stairs leading downwards. Before Sombra bounded down the secret passage, he flung the final book into my chest.
                
I took a look at it: “101 Reasons to Visit Canada”.
                

***


 

The Discord Shelter must’ve been close to three stories underground. As we descended, the stone walls around us began to glitter with embedded specks of silver—what the unicorns and scientists must’ve thought was “Discord proof” or similar. At the bottom of the steps was a thick silver door that looked akin to a bank vault. A black electronic scanner was attached to the wall next to it.
                
Sombra approached it. “This seems more familiar now. How much time we got?”
                
“No idea. Just get moving.” I perked an ear towards the stairs. I couldn’t hear anything from up above.
                
Sombra pressed a button on the screen.
                
“Name authorization, please?” asked an electronic voice.
                
“K., Sombra.”
                
“Confirmed. Breath authorization, please.”
                
“What?” I blurted, before Sombra held a hoof out to me.
                
He leaned forward and exhaled on the screen. It made a few little blip noises before a red X filled the screen. “Unconfirmed breath for K., Sombra.”
                
“Damn,” Sombra muttered, turning to us. “Anyone have any spare food? Junk food, perhaps?”
                
For some reason I still tapped my empty pockets even if I knew no jellybeans or chocolate bars lay in wait. Then I bolted forwards as I saw something neon orange sticking out of the back of Sombra’s mane. I scooped it out and gave it to him.
                
“A Dorito,” I explained.
                
He munched it up quick and belched on the screen. This time a green checkmark popped up. “Confirmed.”
                		
“Thank you!” I muttered sarcastically, taking a step forward.
                
“Frown authorization, please.”
                
“Oh, for the love of—”
                
Sombra chuckled. “I definitely got this one.” A line of light shot out of the screen and hurriedly scanned Sombra’s face. He didn’t change his facial expression one bit.
                
“Frown confirmed. Welcome, K., Sombra. How many guests with you today?”
                
Now I was really getting antsy. “Can we hurry this up?”
                
Slowly, Sombra turned to me, his “confirmed” frown flipped into a smirk. He said casually, “You know, Greg, if I really wanted to, I could tell this device that neither of you are my guests and that you’re both actually enemies. I could leave you out here for Discord to come play with. Wouldn’t that be quite the scene?”
                
I glared at him. “You wouldn’t.”
                
He sneered. “I don’t know. I think ‘guests’ usually mean friends, but the last time I checked, neither of you seemed all that keen on being my friends. Isn’t that what just happened when you both tried to run away from me?”
                
“You were trying to turn us into ponies.”
                
“But did I, Greg? Last time I checked, you had no horn or tail.”
                
I grimaced. “So you want points for not going through with it? For attempted human-to-pony—” I really didn’t have the correct term to describe it “—screwing-around-id-ness?”
                
Sombra seemed to take great pleasure in suddenly spacing out his words. “I believe it’s only right if true friends share the shelter together. Are you my friends? Are you really?”
                
If I had my running shoes on at the time, I might’ve punted him like a fuzzy football into the wall. Afterwards, I might’ve even tried a Sombra impersonation to see if I could sneak Susanne and I in afterwards. Sadly, there was still a good chance I’d break some of my toes on the pony’s ribs. Not completely worth it. Almost, though.
                
I opened my mouth, but Susanne already took the hit for us. She knelt down beside him and rubbed his ears between two fingers. “We never said we weren’t your friends anymore, Sombra, only that we needed to set boundaries. And don’t you think all of us getting safely away from Discord would be a great way to help strengthen our continued friendship?”
                
It appeared as if Sombra was melting by her touch. His tongue lolled out the side and bits of saliva dripped to the stone floor. Instead of speaking, he just nodded.
                
“Two guests,” he finally spoke to the screen after Susanne went away from him.
                
The silver door sluggishly swung outward and the three of us hurried inside. The Discord Shelter was about the size of our living room. It had couches and a couple of thin bunk beds in one corner. At the front was a command station loaded with rows of monitors that booted to life the moment the door opened. It had the type of lighting most commonly found in terrible office jobs—bulbs that hummed noisily and glowed a sickly yellow. Maybe Steve had run out of money by the time he picked out bulbs. A thin hall was at the other end of the room—what looked like a well-stocked pantry.
                
By the time the three of us crossed the threshold, the thick door swung shut and sealed with a hiss and a click. Sombra went to the command center and plopped himself into the only computer chair. He hooked a headset made for ponies around his ears and jaw.
                
He said without looking at us, “There must be more than thirty cameras around the house, maybe twice as many microphones. We’ll be able to see where he is at all times. Give me camera six.”
                
The main monitor flipped to a clear image of the front of our house and Susanne and I jolted back. Discord the draconequus seemed to be staring right at the screen… or the camera in this case. He was mumbling something we couldn’t hear.
                
“Audio, now,” Sombra spoke into his microphone.
                
“…six-hundred and nine! Six-hundred and ten! Six-hundred and eleven!” The creepy figure stopped and exhaled loudly. “Well, now you’re just being rude! Fine. I’ll just have to come find you, then.”
                
He brought up his eagle’s claws and snapped them together, disappearing in a flash of white. Sombra, Susanne, and I went from monitor to monitor in search of him; every few seconds Sombra would bark out another camera number, giving us another angle of our house.
                
A minute later we found him in one of our showers, soaped up and energetically singing into a brush. I raised a hand to block out (what I thought) would be the worst of him, before I realized he was actually naked all the time.
                
Susanne groaned next to me. “He’s using my good conditioner. Jeeze, I had to order that stuff. And he’s using it on his eyebrows!” A moment later, she turned away from the monitor. “Remind me to throw out that loofah whenever we get out of here. Now that it’s been touching his… I don’t even know what that is, actually.”
                
“I’d give him five more minutes tops,” Sombra said hopefully. “His type need constant attention otherwise they get bored. If he doesn’t track us down in a few minutes, he’ll call it a day and leave.”
                
Susanne crossed her arms. “I hope you’re right. I can’t stand to watch him touch any more of my things. Why is he using my makeup? Why?”
                
On another monitor, Discord was twirling around our kitchen area, belting out a melody completely out of tune “I feel pretty! Oh, so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and bright! And I pity, any pony who isn’t me tonight!”
                
It seemed all the stories were true. Discord was as insane as it got.
                
A thought came to me. I clamped a hand on Sombra’s shoulder. “Why didn’t Steve make his whole house Discord proof? Seems like that would’ve made the most sense.”
                
Sombra nodded tiredly. “True. But the magic it took to even finish this room…” He glanced around the shelter—the sparkling cave-like walls that nearly hummed with unseen energy. He shot me a look. “Can’t you just be thankful for once? First you don’t want to be a unicorn… even if unicorns are awesome. Then you try and ditch me. And now you’re complaining about my Discord Shelter? Should we go to your Discord Shelter, then, Greg? Oh, wait! You don’t have a Discord Shelter, do you?”
                
I looked away from him.
                
“Do you?”
                
“No,” I muttered.
                
“No, you don’t…?”
                
“Have a Discord Shelter.”
                
“Exactly!” He smirked. “Glad we got that out in the open. Now if you’ll all stop worrying and trust in the two-hundred million dollars Steve spent on this shelter, you’ll soon see—” His head whipped back to the monitors, going from one screen to the next. “See? He’s already gone. Just like that. What did I tell you?”
                
“Who’s gone?”
                
The three of us turned to find Discord busily munching through a box of saltine crackers from the pantry. There was already a small mound of crumbs below him.
                
“You guys really need to make this room more draconequus friendly. It took me like twenty whole seconds just to get in. What’s up with that?”
                
Sombra inhaled to scream again. This time I didn’t bother stopping him.
 

***


 

“You know what? This is a nice place. This place is nice. On a scale from not-nice to nice, I’d give this place a seven-point-five.”
                
It felt like a death march. Discord was right behind us, leading the three of us up the spiraling stairs and back to the library. I don’t think Sombra, Susanne, or I had said a single word since he’d popped into Steve’s “Discord proof” shelter, but that didn’t mean Discord ever stopped talking. He was like a loud gas engine that never needed fuel to keep on running.
                
As we exited the secret entrance to the shelter, Discord added happily, “I can’t tell you how happy I am Steve finally died. Just between you and me, I thought he’d never go away.”
                
I looked over my shoulder at him. “Not cool, dude. Not cool.”
                
He nodded solemnly. “You’re absolutely right, Greg. Steve definitely was not a cool dude. I’m glad we’re in agreeance.” He grinned. “And since Steve’s not around anymore, I guess that means I can visit anytime, now can’t I? What with that restraining order no longer valid…”
                
Even more surprising than the sudden appearance of Discord was the fact that Sombra had not uttered a word since screaming for a good solid minute. He didn’t even look mad, more… defeated? Was that what I was going for? As if the light bulb inside of his head had been smashed for all time. Or as if someone had told him that his favorite pizza delivery driver had died in a fiery car crash on the way over here—his extra-large meat-lovers pizza burnt and destroyed beyond recognition.
                
If Discord stayed for much longer, I’d probably need to put Sombra on suicide watch. We all know what happened the last time he died, don’t we? What happens if he’s the one killing himself? Does the whole universe just cave in on itself and seize to be? One giant “meh” and a shrug and then complete and total annihilation?
                
I was getting off track again. Discord was still in the picture. And so was—
                
“Twilight, my sweet! Come greet our new friends!” Discord spoke to the purple alicorn who had her face in a book. I could’ve sworn she hadn’t been there a second ago. She stood in front of another stack of texts, her aura wrapped around a mystery novel held close to her head. I’d seen her picture online enough to know exactly who she was. Since her hundred and twenty years on Earth, her appearance had changed quite a bit. She was a foot taller than before; her horn longer and sharper. Her wings had a greater span and her mane and tail hung in the air as if floating in a rippling pool of water. I can honestly say I was very tempted to touch it.
                
I really liked her mane.
                
She lifted her head out of her book and took a few glances around. “You just had to bring us here, Discord?”
                
“Of course!” Discord said earnestly. “I met Steve, so now I gotta meet the new Steve!”
                
I raised a hand. “It’s Greg, actually.”
                
“Greg! Obviously!” He wrapped a thin arm around me. “See? We’re already becoming good friends. Steve ever mention me, by chance?”
                
“Only to his therapist. And his pillow late at night.”
                
Discord giggled. “That Steve, always the kidder. What a…” He pulled on his beard. “I’m trying to think of something nice to say, but nothing’s coming. Hmm. I’ll get back to you on that.”
                
When Twilight returned to her novel, I asked her a question. “You seem oddly okay with just popping in here randomly.”
                
She looked at me. “I’m used to it by now. Living with Discord, you get used to a lot of things. Discord personally greets all his fans whenever they happen to mention his name. Maybe that’s why his number of fans has been steadily going down recently. Usually he’ll get bored and snap myself or the kids along with him.” She raised her book. “I always have a book prepared, though.”
                
Kids? That caused me some worry.
                
Twilight tucked her book away and crossed the room to us. She took a breath to steady herself before speaking. “Hello again, Sombra.”
                
Sombra grumbled in return. And I don’t just mean he grumbled under his breath. He literally said the word “grumble” three times in a row. At least he was showing more signs of life than down in the shelter.
                
“I’m sorry for what I did to you,” Twilight admitted evenly, “for what my friends did to you, too. I know I should’ve said that over a hundred years ago, but… well, you made your wishes pretty clear. I really had no idea anyone could make a trilogy of books just about hating someone—‘I Hate Twilight Sparkle And Her Stupid Purple Face Volume One through Three’.”
                
Sombra suppressed a chuckle and kept his eyes on the floor. “What can I say? When the muse strikes…”
                
“Although I did somewhat enjoy your autobiography.”
                
Sombra nodded smugly. “’My Struggle’. I had fun writing that one. Almost as much fun as ‘If I Did Take Back The Empire’.”
                
I smacked myself in the forehead. “You didn’t really name that first book—”
                Before I could finish, Discord loudly clapped his hands. “Before we all start airing grievances—including the fact that Sombra has not once spelled my name correctly on his blog…” He scowled at Sombra. “Dickcord? Seriously? How old are you? Three hundred and five?” He huffed. “Anyways, you might all be wondering why we are here, and the reason for that is simple.”
                
He let the sentence hang in the air before continuing.
                
“You have a friendship problem and I aim to fix it.” He smiled devilishly. “From what I understand, Sombra wants to turn you two into ponies and you two don’t want to be turned into ponies. Is that about the gist of it?”
                
I tried to think of a better way of putting it. When nothing came to mind, I shrugged and said, “Basically, but I don’t think we need your—”
                
“Tut-tut, Gregory!” Discord snapped. “Steve didn’t realize he needed my help until nearly the end of his journey, and wasn’t he the lucky sort to have me as a friend by then.”
                
Since I was at least eighty-percent sure I wasn’t going to die soon, I said, “Didn’t you trick Steve into going to Equestria in the first place and then continue to trick him until he did exactly what you wanted him to do all along?”
                
He stared at me confused. “Isn’t that what true friendship’s all about?” He waved a hand. “You’re getting me off track, Greg. Shush! No. The simple solution is this: we split the difference!”
                
I didn’t like the sound of that.
                
Discord snapped his fingers and suddenly him and Twilight were a good three feet taller than before. Even the bookcases to my left were taller. My fingers were gone too. Damn.
                
To my side, I heard Susanne gasp and her breath quicken. I didn’t bother to look in her direction. Instead, I asked Discord, “You turned us into ponies, didn’t you?”
                
He nodded gleefully. “And that’s not all!”
                
He directed my attention to where Sombra had been standing a moment ago. Now he was a six-foot tall man in a red-and-black suit with long sideburns and dark facial hair. His skin was pale and he had long, greasy hair down to his shoulders. I would describe more, but just imagine a person asks you to sell your soul for a billion dollars and that’s about it. Just give him a briefcase and devil horns and he’d be good to go.
                
Like the ponified Susanne was currently doing, Sombra was staring at his hands—what used to be hooves.
                
“I don’t like it! I don’t like it!” He slunk into the corner of the room, roughly grabbing at the collar of his shirt. “I can’t breathe in this! I don’t like change! Make it stop, Greg!” He took a quick glance down his pants and somehow paled further.
                
Rather than try and reason with Discord, I made my way to Twilight, tripping over my hooves and face-planting more times that I could remember. “You want to put an end to this, please?”
                
Twilight had her head in her book again. She looked up and reddened. “Oh! Sorry, sure.”
                
One blast of light from her horn and the three of us returned to normal; myself crawling off the ground with as much dignity as I could manage.

In the corner, Sombra had already wrapped his hooves around his torso, rocking himself back and forth. “I love my fuzzy self… I love my fuzzy self…” he repeated on loop.

“Now did we all learn a valuable lesson?” Discord asked us pleasantly.

“No,” I said bluntly.

“Well, too bad. I’m not leaving yet. There’s work to be done here… and don’t even get me started on the serious stuff coming your way.”

I swallowed dryly. “Come again?”

He gave my shoulder a push towards the door. “Forget I said anything. Fluffy stuff, then dark stuff, remember? Oh, right. You’re not Steve. Anywho, come and meet the kids! Just keep your hands away from little Zachy’s mouth. He likes to bite. Also, you have anything sugary? That’s all he eats. Lilly Flower likes veggies and dip. She’s the sweet one. Maybe you should think about going to the store and stocking up? Hmm?”
                
And just like that, I felt like a prisoner inside my own home again.