“YAYS~!” Pinkie Pie squealed, tossing a clump of powder snow into the air. “It’s Hearth’s Warming Day! We get to give out presents, eat sweets, make snowponies, have epic snowball fights, and then laze around after stuffing ourselves!”
“If I need a bloat herder, I’m calling for you,” Purple Heart stated, pointing at Light Patch. “You’re qualified.”
The grey pegasus sighed, his Santa hat cocked jauntily to one side. “Sure,” Light Patch replied before looking serious. “But you’d better be walking on your own power. I ain’t dragging your flank anywhere unless I absolutely have to. And if I do, I’m hitting every pothole I can.” Purple Heart sniffed.
“That’s after sushi,” the purple barbarian countered. “I can ration myself on normal occasions… Sometimes.”
“I could just roll you both down a hill,” Wits End piped up, his voice muffled as his head was buried under presents beneath the tree. “Save you both the trouble. Also, help.”
“Enough,” Twilight called, pulling the minty pinto out from under the presents by his tail, eliciting a yip of surprise and pain. “We’re going to pass out presents now.” The rest of the Mane Six dashed from other parts of the small hut they sat in, assembling themselves in a rough half circle around the tree. The colts plopped themselves beside each other opposite the mares, claiming their positions as present passers.
“Okay,” Twilight called. “Who wants to go first?” Rarity raised her hoof. Having claimed the center of attention, the white unicorn reached behind her and pulled out a crisply wrapped package with a bow placed perfectly on top.
“I have Applejack’s gift,” she declared, gripping the package with her magic before passing it to the orange earth pony. The group watched as Applejack eyed the package and Rarity for a few seconds.
“Well, go on dear, open it.” Rarity said with a small wave of her hoof.
“It’s not a dress is it?” Applejack cautiously asked prompting Rarity to give a small smile and shake of her head. “It’s not a fancy hair scrunchy is it?” Rarity’s smile grew larger. “It had better not be a-”
“Oh, get on with it!” the three colts yelled at the same time to the shock of the six mares. Applejack grudgingly opened the package and pulled out a clean, pristine rope, much to her surprise.
“You’re welcome dear. I had noticed how ratty and tattered your old rope was getting, and I thought you’d like something that probably didn’t taste of dirt, sweat, and Celestia knows what else,” Rarity finished.
Pinkie Pie vibrated excitedly. “Ooh! Me next, me next! Go on, Rarity! Try to guess which one is from me!” The purple-maned mare reached out to the pile. “No, not that one!” the pink party pony proclaimed, resulting in a raised eyebrow from Rarity before she reached for another gift. “Not that one either! Or that one, that one that one… There!”
“Are you quite sure?” Rarity asked in a tone somewhere between a sigh and actual concern.
“Yep! That one’s a good choice. I’m glad you chose it entirely on your own!” Pinkie watched with pride as Rarity examined the wrapping job, taking into account the size and weight of the package, the color and pattern of the wrapping paper, the design of the bow, the-
“OPEN IT!” the party mare shrieked, startling both the recipient, the rest of the group, and the narrator.
Rarity peeled the paper off in one clean motion to reveal a carefully folded bolt of fabric. The fashionista’s eyes widened. “Is this…”
“It’s some really pretty silk, isn’t it?” Pinkie asked with a grin.
“Pretty nothing!” Rarity held the silk at leg’s length, her eyes alight. “This is hoof-woven spider’s silk! I’ve never seen anything like it! Look at it!” She shoved the fabric into the closest pony’s face, which happened to be Light Patch. “Feel its texture! It’s like it’s been woven from a single strand!”
Light Patch’s response was muffled by the silk until he pushed it and Rarity’s hoof from his face. “It is very nice, and likely was woven from a single strand. If that is Aracholsid silk, in any case.”
“Mash ‘O’ to show of the better features of this product,” Purple Heart chuckled.
“My turn,” Twilight said, ignoring the purple earth pony. “Here, Fluttershy. I got you this.” The purple alicorn hoofed over a wrapped package; not as neatly done as Rarity’s, but not the worst. The yellow pegasus received the gift and smiled in thanks before tearing the paper gently. The wrappings fell away, drifting to the floor unnoticed as Fluttershy stared at the book in her hooves.
“Vale Blossom's Guidebook to the Wildlife of Roania,” she read, looking up at Twilight. “Thank you!” Fluttershy blushed and cradled the book to her chest. She turned to look at Rainbow Dash. “Um, here. I saw this in a store and I thought it’d be perfect for you,” she said, pushing a package towards the blue pegasus.
The aforementioned blue pegasus floated over and grabbed the package before tearing into the package with gusto, causing bits of the wrapping to fly everywhere. She hovered in the air for a few seconds before sitting down, looking at the book in her hooves. “Roania Jill?” She asked questioningly.
“I saw it in a store and thought it was a biography, but after I read a bit I thought it was kind of similar to Daring Do. So, I got it because I thought you’d like it,” Fluttershy said still hugging her book.
“Thanks, Shy,” Rainbow Dash said, smiling at the yellow pegasus. She turned to look at Twilight. “Your’s is next to Wits.” Twilight arched an eyebrow, glancing to where the minty pinto sat beside his compatriots. A package was partially hidden behind his flank.
“Could you pass that to me?” the princess of Friendship inquired.
Wits lay a hoof on the package. “No. It’s mine now. It’s in Wits’ Territory.” Twilight glared at him, an eye twitching with suppressed irritation.
“Give.”
“Say the magic word and claim your prize.”
“...Please?”
“There, was that so difficult?” Wits End wrapped his magic around the package and lifted it over to Twilight, plopping it beside her.
“Sort of,” she grumbled. “Thanks.”
“No problem,” the minty unicorn said. Twilight unwrapped the gift and smiled slightly at the book in her hooves.
“Magic Through Roania,” she read before looking up at at Rainbow Dash. “Thank you.”
Light Patch leaned over to the unicorn colt. “Shoulda held out for at least an alakazam or abrakadabra. Maybe a Mew at the least.”
“Nah, I have self-preservation instincts,” Wits End replied.
“It would’ve been funny though,” Purple Heart said.
“You’re the punching bag,” the pinto unicorn retorted. He opened his mouth to continue, but paused. “Well, both of you are. Light Patch in Rarity’s case, Purple Heart in regard to every enemy ever.”
“Hey!” Light Patch shouted while jumping up and earning a glare from Applejack, whom he’d interrupted. “I resent that remark. I-” He was then interrupted by a kick from Rarity. “I sit corrected.” he said, rubbing the spot he’d been kicked as Rarity signaled for Applejack to go.
“This one’s for you, Pinkie,” Applejack said pointing towards one. With a shriek of pure joy, the pink pony pounced on the package from across the room before she picked it up with her front hoofs and began to slowly and carefully take the tape off the package without ripping the paper. The group sat dumfounded for a few seconds before Wits End finally spoke up.
“Pinkie? Are you okay?” he asked. The pink earth pony looked at Wits, cocking her head to one side.
“‘Course I am,” she chirped. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“You’re opening that,” Wits gulped, “almost reverently and with ridiculous care. What happened to ripping the paper to get to the goodies as fast as possible?”
“It was a joke. Well, it started with a joke. I wanted to see how long until one of you reacted, but then I got focusing on whether or not I could actually do it without ripping the paper. And then I got thinking about this time when I was wrapping a present an-”
Wits End groaned. “OPEN THE PRESENT ALREADY! You’re breaking my brain with this meticulous act! Get on with it!”
“Oh! Right!” the mare said remembering the present held in her hooves. If the way Rainbow Dash opened a present could be said to parallel a bomb of wrapping paper going off, then Pinkie’s method following a similar analogy would be akin to a nuke of wrapping paper. Once the dust had cleared, the group could see the pink mare sitting there holding a bunch of rubber ducks tied together so they were all compressed.
The Colt Trio stared at the construct, their eyes widening in fear.
“Oh no,” Wits End gulped.
“Oooooh! I wonder how to turn it on,” Pinkie Pie gushed, reaching for the cord that held the little bomb together.
“Hit the deck!” Purple Heart cried. The other five mares blinked in surprise as the three colts bolted to hide themselves; Purple Heart behind the couch the mares lay on, Light Patch under a table, and Wits back under the tree.
Pinkie Pie pulled the cord, releasing the rubber fowl…
A mournful cry rang through the room. The Mane Six blinked as they listened, unsure of how to react. When the last of the rubber fowl fell silent, they looked at each other before breaking into peals of laughter. The colts reappeared, awestruck at the mares.
“They’re mad,” Purple Heart whispered.
“I think you’re right,” Wits said.
“If they weren’t before, they must be now,” Light Patch said, waving his hoof in front of a frozen Fluttershy. “Lo! For the heroes were laid to rest as they heard the mournful cry of-”
“That was amazing! Let’s do it again!” Pinkie shouted, starting to gather them up.
“No!” the colts squeaked. “We still have to give out our gifts to ourselves.”
“Oh yeah!” Pinkie hummed. She put her rubber ducks aside and looked expectantly at the three colts. The rest of the mares followed suit, watching them.
Purple Heart sighed and grabbed a gift. “Here, Wits, for juh mien komrade.” He passed the wrapped package to the minty pinto. Wits took it with his magic and nodded to the purple earth pony.
“Danke, komrade,” he replied. “Now, let’s see what sort of joke you got me-” A rattle of soot came down the chimney catching the attention of all of the ponies. More fell as if something was coming down the chimney; the six mares were completely befuddled. The colts simply glanced at each other, all three with a strong idea of who it might be.
Before they could put voice to their thoughts, a figure burst through the fireplace. “Grand strategy is your game, a historical, ahistorical paradox~” the figure sang out of tune and out of order. The large bag it held flopped to the floor allowing the group to view Discord dressed in what the colts knew as a Santa outfit. To the mares, it was simply a red suit trimmed with white. A rather tacky outfit if one bothered to ask Rarity.
“Ho ho ho~!” Discord crowed. “Merry Christmas, Hearth’s Warming, Yuletide to all! I bring gifts for the good little colts!” Light Patch, Wits End, and Purple Heart blanched, immediately wary of what Discord had brought for them.
“For Purple Heart!” Discord began to dig around in the bag. “Oh, you’ll love this. I saw these and I couldn’t not think of you. You’ve always been going on about that stupid glove.” Discord began to mimic talking with his free hand, “Glove this and Glove that, glove glove glove glove, glove. So, I got you this,” Discord said, pulling out a box of disposable blue latex gloves. “Be careful. They come out two by two.”
Purple Heart stared at the gloves in silence before taking on and snapping it over his mane like a hat. “I am the penguin. Fear me. Gimme the trousers.” Then he broke down and began to whimper. “Blasted bleeding bollucks barking baktard boomville! HAAAAATE~!”
“Enjoy!” Discord cried, ignoring the purple barbarian’s suffering. “Now for Wits End!” Again, he reached into the sack, this time up to his shoulder. It was plain to see he was pulling a Mary Poppins. With an almighty grunt, he pulled a pair of nondescript sunglasses from his bag. A cheery grin on his face, he handed the glasses to Wits End. “A personalized pair of Sonic Sunglasses! See? There’s your name etched into the frame!”
Wits End took the glasses with his magic, squinting to read the engraving. He licked his lips as he turned the glasses over, examining the very fine quality of the worksponyship in the replica. He then took the glasses in both hooves and began chewing on them like a mad dog with a particularly dangerous bone, growling something about ‘a stupid replacement for a screwdriver’ and ‘plotholes the size of Celestia’s flank’ and ‘eye gunk is not a good villain’.
Discord cleared his throat. “And last but not least-” He paused, raising a thoughtful claw to his chin. “Well, let’s just stick with ‘last’, shall we? The incredible, critable, Light Patch!” He upturned the sack, squeezing it from bottom to top like a tube of festive toothpaste. At the last moment before the sack would have been ‘empty’, a white t-shirt fell out, which Discord snatched back up before it could hit the ground. “This is great. Check this out. On the back, it’s got a diagram of where to hit for the most damage, and on the front,” he flipped the shirt over, “it’s got this giant target! It’s even laminated so you can slide further when you throw yourself at the enemy!” He grinned a toothy, smug grin. “Truly, I am the best at presents.”
Light Patch stared down at the shirt, his right eye twitching. The mares froze as Light Patch grabbed the shirt and began shaking it while screaming for a few moments, before he then flipped the nearest scraps of wrapping and boxes into the air. He breathed heavily for a few seconds before looking at the shirt and having to fight acknowledging that it was the slightest bit funny. Then he balled the shirt up and threw it at Discord. “It’s not funny, Discord,” he said flatly. The mares had stood mostly frozen during the whole event, surprised as this was the first time they had seen Light Patch legitimately angry.
“Jah,” Purple Heart agreed, playing with his glove-hat. “It isn’t. We had perfectly fine gifts for each other. Then you went and carped it all up. I HAD A LUCHS FOR LIGHT FOR CARP’S SAKE! HOW COULD YOU MESS THAT UP?!”
“Wait, you guys actually got good gifts?” Wits held the scratched and chewed sunglasses in the corner of his mouth as he spoke. “I got you guys matching tabards that said ‘left wall’ and ‘right wall’ on the front. Still, this?” He spat out one of the lenses. “Not funny.”
“I got Wits End a couple of new magic scrolls, and I got you a-” Light Patch froze as he looked at Purple Heart. “Wait, how did you get a Luchs here? Where would you even buy one? I-” He was interrupted when Discord threw the shirt back at the pegasus, hitting him in the face.
“Is this really how you treat an old friend, giving you paw-and-claw-picked gifts?” Discord crossed his arms. “I spent so much time finding the perfect gifts for you three!” A large clock face appeared on the Draconequus’ wrist, with all thirteen times relabeled as ‘so much’. “And honestly! Crying? Biting? Throwing? I thought you three were better trained than this!”
“What are we?” Wits asked. “Dogs?” He spat out the other chewed-up lense and moved on to ruining one of the earpieces.
Fluttershy tapped the mint-colored stallion on the shoulder. “Why are you doing that?”
“I take issue with poor writing.”
“I’m one to laugh at myself, but I’m getting really sick of this little joke,” Light Patch said, pointing at the guaranteed crit zones on the shirt. “And could you have found a shirt any bigger?! I could wear this as a dress. Silence, Rarity.”
“Did you really come here just to give us troll gifts?” Purple Heart sighed, “or do you have a miniboss hiding somewhere in that poppins bag of yours?”
Discord pouted dramatically. “Well, before you three decided to be so rude, my answer would’ve been ‘no, I came here out of the kindness of my heart’. But now?” He sniffed, a tear the size, shape, and consistency of a small apple forming in the corner of his eye. “Now I’m disinclined to acquiesce your continued armistice.” He paused for a moment, watching the assembled ponies process his words. “Means yes. Boss battle time!”
Before any of the mares could voice an opinion or try to calm the situation down, an even larger gap was made in the side of a house and a massive creature barged through. A fake beard half hung from its face, the red and white trimmed outfit was ripped in several places. It roared and used its long claws to rend gaps through the floor. On the top of of the yellow skinned creature sat a several-sizes-too-small Santa hat from which a single silver bell jingled as the hat shook. It locked eyes on the colts and roared as text appeared above it. “Boss Approaching, Christmas Rancor: Sandy Claws.”
The silence was broken with Wits End turning stiffly to glare at Purple Heart. “You just had to ask, didn’t you?” he growled. “This is how we got into this mess in the first place.
“Sorry,” Purple Heart mumbled, cracking his neck. “The ways of pissing ponies and chaotic beings is a habit of mine. Discord knows I do it enough to you and Light.”
“Eeyup,” Discord confirmed. “Well, have fun.” He stepped out through the hole in the fireplace and jogged into the snowy night.
Light Patch finishing tying the T-shirt around his hammer so the big target was on the face of his warhammer. “Dibs on the hat,” he said before jumping into the air, swinging at the boss, the Mane Six and his colt compatriots close behind.
* * *
The bell on the end of the slightly battle damaged Santa hat rang as Light Patch bobbed his head in time with the songs he was humming, while helping Applejack put up a beam to support the hut’s new roof.
“So, uh...” Wits cleared his throat as he held a patch of cloth over the hole for Rarity to sew closed. “That happened.”
“Wits.” Twilight eyed the crude antlers the mint-colored unicorn had made from the former boss’ fangs, which he was now wearing on a spare headband. “Take those off.”
Wits held the headband with one hoof. “No, I shan’t. It’s Christmas.”
“You know,” Purple Heart hummed as he dragged the Santa Rancor out of the rubble of the hut and into the open snow, “you’d think we would have beaten this thing with a more original method. I mean, come on. Dropping the roof on it? Lame. Cliche. We even threw a rock for carp’s sake.”
“At least we didn’t try to strangle it with chains or throw it into a massive pit of teeth and hunger,” Light Patch said, holding a beam up as Applejack nailed it back into place. “Shame about the tree though,” he said while looking at its splintered remains.
“I wonder if I could make some high end armour out of its hide...” Purple Heart mused. “Or perhaps sell it.” He trotted back to the hut and began to shove the furniture back into place. “Eh, I’ll find out tomorrow. We’ve had a rough day. Gift giving, getting trolled by Discord, hammered by a rancor… I’m bushed.”
“I’ll have to remember to thank Discord for the new hat though,” the pegasus, said giving the bell a mighty jingle. “All in all, I’d say this was a fairly decent Christmas day. What say you, oh short and minty one?” Light Patch asked, looking at his friend.
Wits nodded, holding Twilight back from removing his new headgear. “I’d call it pretty good. Two out of three of us got hats.” He thought for a moment. “We should definitely remember to… ‘thank’ Discord properly later.”
“Indeed,” Purple Heart agreed, settling on one of the couches. “A very merry Christmas, happy Yule, Hearth’s Warming, and so on and so forth to all. And to all a good-” A snore rumbled through Purple Heart’s nose as he fell asleep.
“Jerk,” Rainbow grinched. “He’s leaving us to do all the work.”
“Don’t you worry your little prismatic head Rainbow. I’ve got a few bolts of fabric, plenty of nails and a wicked plan,” the grey pegasus replied, an evil smirk on his face. “We shall see what dances in one’s head as they sleep upon the ceiling so merry,” he continued in a more poetic tone of voice.
Wits chuckled. “Well, I think we’ve learned a very important lesson in this.”
“What’s that?” Twilight asked.
“The true meaning of Christmas…” Wits lowered his voice into a gravelly growl, “...is pain.” He coughed. “That hurt my throat. Must be Christmas.”