It’s a beautiful day outside. Birds are singing, flowers are blooming…
My girlfriend had beaten two grown men in a dual… at the same time.
We’d eaten and started wandering about the festival. Vendors called to us, trying to garner attention and coin; event hosts announced shows and show times; the dull hum of the crowd filled in the space between.
We ignored it all.
“So, what now?” she looked to me for direction. “We’ve worked our trade, fought warriors of the age, and eaten a hearty meal! What else is there to do in such a land?” She sighed wistfully.
“Well, it’s getting late. We could watch one of the late-night shows, or maybe play a game?” it was more a question than a suggestion, but she never liked suggestions. If she felt you were telling her what to do, she’d do the opposite—and I never liked giving commands, anyway.
“Hmm… a game sounds fun. What fun can we have, my dear Nicholas?” She took the posture of a Victorian gentlewoman, her accent showing through more than ever.
“Well, we have here the ring toss!” I said, my accent also growing in poshness. “Toss a small, wooden circlet towards wooden pegs! Catch one at just the right angle, and you just might win the game!”
Mary watched a couple toss five rings, not one landing where they wanted.
“Nah, that one seems more luck than skill.” She walked on.
“Well, we’ve always got more for her ladyship.” I walked with her, pointing out other games and attractions as we went.
After a while, she paused and sighed. “Hey, I’m just not feeling any of these cheap carnival games. Let’s try to find a good show.”
I remembered something a friend told me when I mentioned the festival to him.
“Oh, you have to see the dragon fight! It’s spectacular!”
I decided I’d mention this to Mary.
“I heard there’s a dragon fight somewhere around here.” I watched as her eyes lit up with excitement.
“Oh! Who wins? The warriors or the dragon? I wouldn’t mind watching a bunch of losers get eaten.” A particularly manic look came over her face.
I chuckled, patting her head and snapping her out of her psychotic snickering. “We’ll just have to watch and find out.”
A few minutes later we were sitting in a grand auditorium, waiting for the lights in the audience to dim and the limelight to brighten onstage.
“Oh, I just can’t wait!” Mary whispered to herself.
“Please take your seats and get ready for a fairytale!” came the announcer’s voice from the overhead speakers. “The show will start in five minutes.” A click sounded as the intercom system turned off.
“Did you hear that? Five minutes!” Mary nearly shouted, a couple people turning around to look at the commotion she was causing.
“Mary, calm down.” I patted her back, rubbing a little as her eyes shot to me.
“Calm? How could I be calm? A dragon’s about to appear!” She was just as excited as before and almost louder.
I decided to quit while I was ahead.
Just then, the lights dimmed and the stage went black—seemed they were starting slightly early. A single spot light switched on moments later, illuminating a single man, a microphone stood on a stand before him. He had the dress of a medieval bard and a lute, playing a soft tune.
“Many years ago, in the land of our fathers,” he said, bringing his head up to look over the crowd.
“The queen bared child, two lovely daughters.” A smile graced his face, stepping to the left.
“One went to the dresser, the other to the courtyard;” he spoke with a soft and kind tone.
“One learned of grace, the other yelled ‘en garde.’” With a swift jab of his lute, he punctuated his statement.
“War broke out, the kingdom in shambles.” He grew somber as he said this, moving to the right.
“The first daughter caught, the second one fought.” The seriousness of the situation became evident by his tone and play.
“But two daughters lost, the king couldn’t handle.” He seemed to fall into despair before us on the stage.
“Months passed with no news.” He began pacing, losing all despair for determination.
“The war was won, the nation fixed.” A twinge of happiness crossed his face as he said this, but was swiftly lost.
“But, though the sky shone many hues,” he said, bringing his lute to the sky in a rainbow fashion.
“The king’s emotions were very mixed.” Now conflicted, he looked to the aside, and took an aside.
“Newfound hope, though, was just on the horizon!” He strummed a happy tune, one of success.
“But the messenger’s phone ran on Verizon.” He made a silly face and a phone gesture, making the crowd bust out with laughter.
“When the news arrived, the king was elated!” He jumped around, dancing happily.
“The rescue party would not be belated!” The bard seemed to be wrapping up at this, walking back to center stage.
“This is the story of skill, courage and might; listen close, children, for the princess, the dragon and the knight.”
The bard took a short, quick bow before exiting stage left. The lights went out again, and stayed off for a short while. Murmuring went through the crowd before a sudden clap of thunder rocked the auditorium. The loud bang and flashing lights seemed sufficient to shush most, and the rest fell silent to the rain that followed.
Clip-clopping sounded from the left, a man on a horse rode in. He looked out amongst the crowd, searching for his final destination.
“Come, men! We’re almost there!” He rode on, reaching the furthest edge of the stage before stopping and looking back. “What’s taking you?” he yelled back.
A stout man stumbled from beyond the curtain, followed by a few less descript travelers. “We’ve not got horses, milord, and must carry our own tents and provisions.” He came to a panting halt, bent over with his hands on his knees. “Please, we beg of you, sir; slow down!” he gasped out.
“We’re nearly to the tower! If we give slack now, we might never make it!” He was obviously overzealous. The mere amount of excitement in his voice was very ungentlemanly.
The play continued, the knight pushing his men past obstacles and the men providing comic relief. Eventually they came to a castle.
“We’re here, men,” said the knight triumphantly. He brandished his sword and pointed it forward. “Onward to glory and honor!” He rushed offstage while his men sighed and followed.
The stage went black, the bard returning with his spotlight.
“Our hero and his men have made it to the castle,” he said, strumming a tense tune.
“Return in five to see the end of their hassle!” And he bowed again, the light going out and the audience lights turning on.
People got up and left, including us. Mary made me buy her a small popcorn and soda for the rest of the play and I got myself a bag. We returned to our seats in time for the lights to dim.
Mary’s eyes went wide. “Uh, I’ll be right back,” she said urgently.
“But it’s about to start!” I grabbed her arm to pull her back. “What’s up?”
“Little lady’s room!” She ran off just after whispering this, disappearing at the back of the auditorium.
I sighed and sat back, making sure to pay enough attention to repeat it back to her when she got back.
“Welcome back, my faithful audience!” he sang again, dancing onstage, the spotlight cleanly following him even though all the lights were still on.
“I hope you’ve all properly prepared yourselves for the battle ahead.” He strummed a dark chord.
“Because it’s about to start.” There was a certain… evil about him as he said this.
Suddenly, the lights all flashed off and a loud roar rang through the audience. A giant dragon head burst from beyond the back of the stage, sweeping over the crowd and shooting flames. I thought it seemed a bit low and, as I turned around to check those behind me, I heard a man scream in pain. I quickly located the man on fire, pulling off my jacket as he ran into the aisle and towards me. I caught him in the garment, forcing him down and covering him with it, smothering the flames.
Turning back towards the monster, I saw its head sweeping down towards the audience again. I watched as a woman was swallowed whole, screaming until the jaws clamped shut around her torso. Blood splashed everywhere.
A yell sounded from the audience. “Where is the knight?”
“Here I am!” came a shout from the stage, one I recognized.
Everyone, including the dragon, turned to the stage to see Mary in full armor and holding a sword.
“I’ve come to save the day, Princess Marilyn!” She yelled, hefting the sword onto her armored shoulder.
I had my face in my hand, rubbing my temples to soothe the oncoming headache. After a moment of silence, I looked up, seeing the knight from before just behind the curtain, looking out at Mary in confusion.
“En garde, dragon!” she yelled, lifting the sword over her head and rushing the monster.
The dragon seemed to chuckle at this, swooping down at Mary. The sword met scales, coming off with the audible clanging sound of metal on metal. The sword flew out of her hands and into the crowd. I was amazed it didn’t hit an innocent bystander as it slid down the aisle and stopped at my feet.
Mary, for her part, jumped away from the dragon instead of facing it again unarmed. She looked to me, and motioned me onstage. I rolled my eyes, picked the weapon up, and slowly walked up to the stage. A short hop and I was standing between the dragon and Mary.
“Hey, dragon-” I unenthusiastically yelled.
“C’mon, you gotta give more than that!” she harshly whispered to my back.
“Fine!” I whispered back and took a heroic stance, loosening my tie and unbuttoning my shirt a couple. “Dragon!” I yelled in my most manly voice, causing the panic in the room to subside. “You have harmed many people, my people.” I motioned out to the crowd, who were now rapt in the speech. “This day, you shall perish!” I pointed the blade to the creature, who seemed to flinch.
In response, it breathed fire at me.
“Son of a-” was all I could say before the flames engulfed where I stood.
Fire is hot!