FireStarter

by Cereal-Killer


Chapter III: Heated (Rewritten)

Waking up and moving my legs was as difficult an effort as killing a Xenomorph with a feather duster, and after the momentary confusion of waking up somewhere new, I tried to get up but my muscles seemed to have stiffened up like planks of wood, every time I would try to contract the muscles in my legs, they would cause agony. This left me to waddle around like a spastic Penguin.

Twilight and Spike were chuckling in the background as I started to feel my legs again, and I gave them the evil eye. I'd like to say they shut up and started cowering in a corner, but they just laughed even harder.

Dressing myself, I realised that I still gad that shield on me, fastened to the backside of my jeans.

"Forgot about this, I should probably take it back to the palace."

'Yep, that's probably a good idea.'

Well, Well Well! Look who finally decided to say something. Where have you been?

'Dunno, where have you been?'

Why do you sound like me? Your voice was all grumbly and monster-y before.

Side effect of cohabiting your mind. Since I am weakened, Your thoughts pollute mine, if I was at my peak, your mind would have become mine the moment I entered you. That's assuming your body would survive me for longer than a second.'

Well, so~rry Mister: I'm an edgy eldritch being, but you aren't at your peak, so your stuck with me for now.

'Cool, by the way, don't mention me to anyone, unless you want to start a countrywide witch hunt.'

Will do, chief.

Twilight and Spike seemed to be getting ready as well, so once I was finished clothing myself, I opened the door and leapt down the stairs into the main reception of the inn all the way from the top, like the five year old inside everyone demands of them.

But then, out of nowhere, Twilight RKO'd had me in a telekinetic field. I tried waving my arms around, causing me to spin slightly in the air.

Shining Armour had decided to walk into the inn, causing Twilight to drop me and I awkwardly fell on my ass, disoriented.

"I see you two are getting along. Twilight, if your gonna start levitating him around and pinning him against the wall, shouldn't you have a few dates first?" The stallion smirked.

"BBBFF! Stop being embarrassing, you know it isn't like that! Also John, why are you on the floor?"

"You put me there." I deadpanned, giving Twilight a glare which she sheepishly avoided. Unbeknownst to Twilight, a pink alicorn- 'another? Just how many rulers does this country have?' -was trotting up behind her, "Hey Twi?" I waited for her to stop talking, "Who's that?" I tried my best to point at her.

Shining asshole immediately recognised her, "Cadence! I thought you went home yesterday," He nuzzled her. Was that like a horse version of a kiss? Weird, "What are you doing here?"

"Well, Auntie Celestia said she was going to be having some trouble with the meetings today and you both know that I used to be an ambassador before the Crystal Empire appeared," how does an empire simply 'appear'? When did Luna do the horizontal tango? Does Celestia have another sister or some shit? So many questions.

"Afternoon," I struggled to greet her, which is quite a chore when your tongue is in agony whenever you talk, "You must be this Cadence person I've heard nothing about," I rasped.

At first she was shocked to see me, but that last comment amused her once she settled down, "Oh, hello um... what's your name?" Well at least she asks someone's name before their species.

Twilight answered for me, "his name is John. Cadence, Its actually really interesting how it all happened, you were here yestetday weren't you, oh and how is Flu-"

I stopped paying attention to the conversation then, choosing to look around the inn. I was rather surprised to find a Hippogriff sat down next at the bar. A pony had just taken a barrel from him at put into the backroom. Probably a supplier or something. Anyway he had a beak, claws and...oh. In the place of where wings would be were little stumps, covered in bandages showing where they were taken off.

For those who haven't watched Harry Potter, Hippogriffs are Half eagle, half pony/horse. They can also get tramp stamps like ponies as well.

To be a flying creature, then to have that taken away... that must be like losing a part of your soul right there. The Hippogriff stirred and yawned, blinking away his tiredness. He turned to me, "What in Five Talons are you?" He recoiled, well, as much as you could recoil sat on a bar stool.

"Hungry, what about you?" I remarked sarcastically.

"Eh, I'm hungry too," he said nonchalantly, "But i could go for some meat right now..." He licked his lips. Does he think I'm a herbivore?

"You know what I want though?" I asked, turning to him and baring my teeth in a grin, "Chicken breast," his eyes widened in shock, before he started laughing.

"Sorry for mistakin' ye as a Herby, lad!"

To those who do not know: a Herby is a term used by most sentient carnivores and omnivores to describe a herbivore (It literally took me two years of living here to find that out).

Wait, does he have a Scottish accent? How did Scottish accents carry over from dimensions/an absurd amount of time? The answer: no clue in all hell.

We had a conversation over the time I was stuck there, I found out his name was Flagon. We were just discussing the merits of fingers against claws against hooves until Twilight and Spike told me it was time head out into the streets of Canterlot, hopefully without any prison break chase scenes this time.

"Oi!" I turned to Flagon again, "Once they let me out, I run a pub downtown: The King's Claws. Come down sometime, an' we can talk again over a pint!" I need to note that down quick.

Ok, so where was I? Oh yeah, me and the dynamic duo just walked up through Canterlot like we planned, with no problems for once.

"Halt, Creature!" ...until the guards decided to take me from them and into the castle.

They tossed a bag over my head. "Really, I've already been here, why do I need a bag over my head?"

They didn't reply.

"Why do I need a bag over my head?" I repeated as we turned a corner.

"Silence creature!" The guard barked.

"Where did you get the bag from?"

"Silence creature!" Fucking day guards.

"Are we nearly there yet?" Another corner.

"Stop!"

...Right there criminal scum, you have violated the law! Sorry, I couldn't resist. Twilight had caught up to the guards who had snagged and bagged me, "Guards, I order you to stop this instant," the sudden halt nearly through me over.

"Thank you Twilight-oww, what the hell was that for!?" One of them jabbed me in the back with a spear, "You pricks need to-" he tried to jab me again, so I took the thing away from him, Then smacked him over the head with the blunt end, "-respect-" I swung it at the other one's head, nailing him right under the helmet, "-your-" I threw the thing on the ground, leaving two concussed guards on the floor, "-betters!"

Cheers for doing one hundred percent of the work there. I felt Lavan nod. Somehow. I'm not gonna question that.

"Now, let's go see the princess," Twi just gaped.

"...you never told me you were combat trained!" PurpleSmart was lost for words, "you just beat two top quality guards like they were nothing!"

"I'm not, they're just really bad," and I also have a godlike creature who is entirely capable of taking on multiple ponies at once. Brushing some dirt off my jeans. I started walking, trying to remember where I was from the escape yesterday.

'Damn, those guards are more dickish than I remember.'

...I've been meaning to ask you something. He beckoned me to continue. How come magic is so easy?

'Its because I'm the one doing the work, all you do is use it, while I create the spell matrices and move mana around your body.'

Really? Cut that out, I want to learn myself.

'Good. It was getting tiring to say the least. I shall begin altering your body to make room for a thaumatic system. It will not hurt, as I will finalize it once you sleep.'

Spike just looked at me, silent throughout the little exchange between me and Sparky.

Twilight ended up leading the way because she practically lived in this place for eleven years, apparently. The more you know, I guess.

After a short walk, we ended up in the throne room, which I immediately pushed open, alerting absolutely everyone to my prescence. "You!" I pointed to Celestia, who just kept a straight face, "You need to spend less money on architecture and more on security, The guards here are more abrasive to other races than North Korea is to everyone else, and trained far worse than anything I've seen in any movie." I was walking through the sea of nobles that were lined up, getting some snide comments from them as I passed, and one or two of them actually muttered some agreements, apparently, "and finally, why have you been chattin' shit about moving the sun!?" Damn, she's probably a champion at poker, no emotion at all on that alabaster mug of hers.

The room was so silent you could hear a mouse shit itself.

Celestia smiled, "well," she sipped her tea, "that is the second most interesting greeting I have ever had the pleasure of receiving."

"What would it take to make it the best?" I waggled my eyebrows.

"..." She was silent for a moment before beginning to laugh like a madman. She was having a giggle fit not one foot from my face, bowling over in her throne giggling uncontrollably, a few tears dropped before she wiped them away. It wasn't THAT funny...

"Umm..." I turned back around to the now shocked and flustered nobles, a blushing Twilight, and Spike just laughing into his claws, "I think I broke your princess..." she was still laughing, struggling to breath, "It wasn't that funny! Get a hold of yourself!"

Then Luna came in, "Sister! What is all this about..." She trailed off when she saw me. She had a purple bruise on her snout where I punched her, but it wasn't nearly as noticeable as you would think.

Luna and I stared.

Celestia kept laughing like the joker on crack.

I can't think of anything to keep the rule of three.

I chose to break the silence, "Luna." She moved, I dropped into a defensive position behind Celestia, who was surprisingly warm, "You've lost Alicorn! I have the high ground!" The reference seemed rather appropriate, stood behind the white lump sat on the throne. A lightsaber would be nice though.

"I will ask thou for the second time," her eyes narrowed, "What. Art. Thou?"

I peeked out from behind the wall of white fur that was Celestia, who had finally begun to settle down, "a Human," Luna looked genuinely pissed, so I knew I was treading on thin ice.

"Who art thou?"

"John," CENA!

"I congratulate thee," she let a competitive smirk shine through,'wait, what?' "not many have been able to put up such a challenge as thee."

"Uh, thanks? Can I just get the pardon acknowledged?" I pointed to Twilight. Both of these sisters are crazy as fuck.

As I write this, Shining Asscrack is behind me, failing at sneakily looking at what I'm writing, so Shining please fuck off, I don't have any feelings for your sister. There we go, he's leaving the room now. Aaaaand he's gone.

Back to the story. Twilight gets the contract again.

A lot of boring legal stuff happens that would take far too long to write so I'll just keep it simple: Twilight ended up only pardoning me for arson, NOT the count of royal assault.

Punishment: I get to be a servant of the crown for a month, so she basically just knighted me temporarily, but gave me fuck all in terms of perks. I had to follow any order they gave me. That means ANYTHING.

This month is going to suck major ass.

Dawn of the first day...

I woke up in a soft bed for the first time in Equestria that morning. Twi was nice enough to let me have her old room, a large cylindrical two floor library, office and bedroom all in one.

I spent that morning reading about magic, how to use it, focal points, all the basic stuff, as neither Celestia or Luna gave me orders.

Turns out the human focal point is the hands, unsurprisingly. At least thats how Minotaur spell-swords do it., I has assumed Lavan would do the same.

After an hour of research, two hours of trying different techniques, I finally did it.

A flame, a small flickering flame was licking the skin on my index finger. Sustaining itself without fuel, purely of my own power, did the flame exist.

Plasmid unlocked...Incinerate!

Ok, maybe not yet, but with a little bit of elbow grease and some wishful thinking anything is possible when it comes to magic... or something like that.

Needless to say that the fire didn't burn me, so I took my shirt off and tested putting my hand in the fireplace. No, just a light warm feeling.

I managed to light a candle from across the room before I started to feel drained, There was a light headache setting in as well. According to some of the texts, it's called 'magical over-expulsion', the name says it all.

"Odd," Luna had silently opened the door, "Have you not used magic before?" I paid her no mind, too invested in trying to light up another candle. She didn't like that, "Human, answer me!"

"Sorry 'your Highness', but that info is classified," I remarked sarcastically.

She stamped her hoof, "I will not put up with your disrespect, servant!" Maybe you should give some respect yourself, bitch.

"I'm trying to concentrate!" I threw my hands up, accidentally shooting a few embers in the air, "No. Humans don't have it normally, so I'm guessing I've been soaking it up since I've been here. Can you go now?"

"Human, my sister has requested your prescence in the throne room," she scowled. Oh, grow up, you oversized mule.

"Alright then, I picked up my shirt on the way out, putting it on as I walked through the empty corridor, I remembered the way to the throne room from here.

The two guards positioned at the door halted me crossing their spears over the door without magic. Because fuck logic we've got hooves!

"Password?" The grey one on the left droned.

"Go fuck yourself."

They refused to let me in. 'Well if they're going to be dicks about it...' I walked off to find another entrance.

I just went outside, found the window with a vine hanging from it and climbed up that.

I walked into the throne room, the nobles were nowhere to be found.

Celestia turned and raised an eyebrow at my rather odd entrance.

"You need new guards, these ones suck," she smiled.

"And you would be willing to train them, I hope?" I shook my head. Plopping down on Luna's throne to the side of her.

"No chance, mate. Why'd you call me then?" I put my hands in my pockets.

"Do you know what it means if you call somepony 'mate'?" Oh shit. I facepalmed.

"It means friend to me. Look, just get on with it Celestia, I don't want to lose more time than I have to." I need to see if I can use firebolts. Now that would be cool.

"Very well, you are to come with me to a meeting I am having with the Griffin parliament, and Minotaur council." Sounds serious. I guess I'll just fuck around the entire time.

Her horn lit up and the next thing I knew I was on my ass, in one of the many identical corridors of Canterlot castle. Did... Did she just teleport me? That was rather sudden.

Once I had gotten up, Celestia opened the door.

I was instantly bombarded with noise from the arguments of the Griffins.

"No you brown-beaked son of a-"

Ahh, politics.

"No. No. NO! Are you deaf!"

Good ol' politics.

The table which the two species were situated was rectangular, Minotaurs on the right, Griffins on the left, then one larger, more throne-like chair at the end for Sunbutt.

While Celestia was trying to silence the Griffins, a few of the Minotaurs were eyeing me curiously.

"Sup," that brought them out of their little reverie.

The light brown one closest to me spoke in a deep gruff voice "How are you here, Human?" Well these guys just got a lot more interesting. The only way I can describe Minotaurs is that they're just really buff Humans with fur, hooves on their feet, horns, a severe case of cow face and awkwardly small hands. Pretty similar to the normal mythology.

"The truth? Not a clue. I was plucked out of my time or something, got put in jail for being too cool," I lazily replied. I need some food, I haven't eaten a substantial meal since the stuff Helix got from Old Canterlot, I eyed the plates of food on the table, each species had been given a shit load of food. Meats, veg, there was even a half-eaten cake near the centre. Celestia probably ate it all, the fat ass.

"Do you have any artifacts with you? We have found many across the world, but only a few in very good condition," I shook my head, he sighed, looking downtrodden, "Ancient, you should visit the museum in Tauros, our capital, once your business is done here in Equestria, maybe you can uncover their uses?" I might do just that.

Celestia had calmed down the rabble of Griffins who had now taken their seats, the meeting started off with some boring shit about trade routes that I zoned out, instead choosing to re-light my fingertips. After the initial talk things got more interesting, one of the Griffins asked "Princess, if you don't mind me asking, what is that awful looking creature you have there?"

"Have a look in the mirror, Pigeon shit," I'm really getting tired of other species, thinking they're better than me. He took great offense to that choosing to flare his wings, one of the many ways to say 'you wanna go mate!?' In Griffin body language.

"We will be having no brawls in this meeting," Celestia calmly, but sternly interjected, "John do not antagonize the Griffin," I mumbled a few choice words under my breath that I won't record here.

"That's right, pet! Obey your master!" The Griffin tried to rile me up.

"You know, back where I'm from, we kept cats and birds as pets," I idly remarked, "maybe I should start that up again. Teach you some fucking manners, you flying rat."

"Enough, John," Celestia asserted.

I returned to my regular position, "as you wish, your Highness."

None of them said anything to me the entire meeting after that little episode.

After a good hour of political nonsense, they finally stopped, both delegations filing out of the room, leaving me and Celestia alone.

"What did you do to that Griffin?" She sounded rather curious.

"My species are predators, every other sentient species seems to notice it, my gaze seems to unnerve them, nothing else," I started rolling various joints, trying to limber them up, "why did I actually have to do this? it had nothing to do with me."

"You made an example of my entire royal guard, and my sister, Jonathon," I hate being called my full name, reminds me of when my parents would scold me for something, "I thought it a good defusal of the situation by letting them know you're under my command," clever, she could just disguise the breakout as a security inspection.

"You need me for anything else? I've got some shit I need to get done," I crossed my arms.

She sighed, "very well, I require nothing of you, you may do as you wish," I walked off without saying anything else. I haven't actually said much about Canterlot or the palace, so I'll go into more detail now. In one word, Canterlot is simply 'clean', too clean, there's no seedy part of town, no litter, no smog, and the roads practically look polished. The entire city has this uniform colour scheme, of light gray stone and gold.

I was planning on going to Flagon's place, but then a wild Luna appeared.

"John, I require thee to guard the dungeons, I have instructed my guard captain," a thestral mare flew in, "Moonflower, to escort thee to your post." Woah, Woah, Woah, when was I required to do this shit!?

"Luna. No." I started to walk away. I heard hooves behind me and only had a half second to dodge the oncoming thestral, "Luna, you know by experience that I will hit girls if I am required to do so," she rubbed the now faded bruise on her snout.

"You will come with me," she tried to pull me up with her telekinesis, thanks to my research this morning I was able to create a small burst around me, disrupting the field, "You lied," she growled.

I could see her thestral trying to creep behind me, so I decided to humor her, "about what?"

"Thou said Humans were not capable of magic, a field disruption spell takes weeks, even months to learn for most, without completely draining them of energy," have you ever tried doing something random, then after doing it without much difficulty, then found out it was hard for everyone else, that's what basically happened right there.

"I'm a fast learner," the thestral was taking ages doing whatever she was doing, "Luna, I'm not spending my night guarding a bunch of prisoners so two guards can go suck each other off in the meantime," her cheeks were on fire, they were so red. I snickered shortly.

"Thou think that this is FUNNY! Thou shalt learn to respect me and my sister! I was willing to be lenient due to the events of thine escape, but thou must learn respect!" I hate those kind of speeches, especially when the person talking is as hypocritical as she is being.

"Hypocrite! You demand respect, yet you do not respect me enough to not demand I tell you somethi-" the thestral lunged, teeth bared, hissing. I sidestepped it, slapping the mare on the ass as she passed, causing a loud smacking noise. If the thestral wasn't pissed before, she sure was now. She roared as she lunged again, tipping me over on collision, she tried to bite me!

Oh so that's how you wanna play it!?

On her next attempted chomp on my neck, I moved my head to the right, pushing her head down with my arms, exposing her neck and locking her head.

"Stop fighting, I'll let you go." she started struggling more, causing me to tighten my grip while Luna was just watching while I incapacitated her captain in front of her, after a while she settled down, panting and out of breath. I let my grip slack slowly before letting her go.

If you can hear me, cheers for that Lavan.

"Now, I'm going to go to my room, and you," I pointed at Luna. "Are not going to stop me, savvy?" She sighed before blasting me with a spell.

"Son of a..." I passed out. Again.

----

After Luna knocked me out, I woke up in my old house, wondering if it was all a dream.

Dressing myself, I found the same clothes I had put out for the day before I went to pony Wonderland, devoid of any burns, scratches or tears.

God I need a piss.

After opening the flood gates, I looked over to the bathroom sink, my phone set squarely in the middle of the bowl. I picked up it, an old Android, to find that it was out of charge. Odd, when I went to sleep here last I swear I plugged it in.

Back through the corridor I went, closing in on my bedroom door with each step.

I opened the door.

My room was on fire, a sizable orb of lava and rock pulsing in the centre of the fire. The orb emitted a shriek before howling its piece:

"FIRE IS YOUR BLOOD, AND DEATH IS YOUR MIND, YOU WILL KNOW NOTHING BUT RAGE!"

"RAGE!"

"RAGE!"

I woke up in a cold sweat, the shocked face of Celestia was the first thing I saw, "John, calm down, please!" I kept struggling and grunting, breathing heavily.

"Wh-What happened!?" I gasped. Celestia wrapped her wings around me.

"It seems you lost yourself. You had some form of magical awakening, similar to a foal, although I have no clue as to why."

The wallpaper and paint on the walls had burnt away showing blackened cobble walls, the floor had somehow survived, although anything remotely flammable; the carpet, the bed the dressers, were ash. Some curtains were still burning, allowing the sun to flood the room. Although, if the curtains are burning, does that mean... oh, I'm fucking NAKED! IN FRONT OF CELESTIA! She can see it! Right now! I covered myself, before Celestia magicked (I have now trademarked this verb, please do not steal) a towel from somewhere, which I promptly tied around my waist, protecting Private Johnson from any wayward gazes.

"Umm... I don't think I can pay for this," Celestia smiled before lightly chuckling.

'I assure you, that won't be a problem," I awkwardly looked around, kicking some ash off my now shoeless, sockless feet. Getting new clothes was gonna be a pain.

"Sooooo... What now?"