//------------------------------// // I Am Not a Dog Pony // Story: I Am The Night(mare)! And so is Luna? // by LordBrony2040 //------------------------------// My attempts at discovering the hidden history of Equestria quickly hit a snag when we got back to Canterlot. Tia didn’t have any more flashback potion handy, and the stuff to make it only bloomed about three times a year. She kept one dose of the stuff on hand for emergencies, but didn’t hoard it like a responsible magical princess that would have been faced with someone like me should have done. I thought about going to Zecora for hers, but…decided to keep that as plan B. After all, I could always just do the easy thing and ask the princesses what happened like a sane and rational person would. Two hellish weeks that were full of aggravating days and terrifying nights later, I had come to a conclusion: getting answers from alicorns was worse than pulling teeth. Not little baby teeth that are ready to come out either. I’m talking about good teeth. The ones with all the roots still intact. It made me sympathize a bit with every single student Celestia had ever taught in her impossibly long life. And it wasn’t that I didn’t try to get an answer out of the girls, it was kind of like, well… “Okay so,” I said as I tried to think of how to start this conversation while Celestia looked over her mountain of paperwork that had built up during her absence. Half a mountain anyway. The desk it all sat on made the stacks look higher than they actually were. “The alicorns created everything living on the planet today.” Celestia looked up from her papers. “Well, except for the abominations that the draconequus made when they arrived,” she said before grabbing a new form with her magic and signing it so quickly I had to wonder if she even read the thing. “Oh please sister,” Luna grumbled in a way that told me this was another sore point between them. “We both saw they didn’t actually make anything. They just took different species that our ancestors had previously crafted and smashed them together to make something…wrong.” A chuckle came from Celestia’s mouth. “I don’t know, the griffons weren’t as bad once we made that statue for their king to show off.” Before Luna could continue to steer us off course, I reared up and brought new side trip down memory lane to a halt. “Whoa, whoa whoa time out! What do you mean the draconequus? What does Discord have to do with anything?” Celestia gave me a confused frown. “Discord? He didn’t remake anything. His egg wasn’t even laid until our mother did away with his father. The blasted creature barely even spit it out in time before she ended him.” “But all the other draconequus did ruin so many of our forbearers creations,” Luna grumbled. “Combining them into such terrible things like chimera, hydras, dragons-” “Manticores,” Celestia added helpfully. Luna let out an indignant sniff. “Manticores are noble and majestic creatures!” Looking up from her paperwork, Celestia frowned at her sister. “You’re just saying that because you had that one as a pet back in the day.” “Says the pony with the flaming bird!” Luna shot back. “Nighty! Point my hoof at her in an accusing manner!” And thus, the first of several history lessons that would last many trying days ended as I worked to find out just how the hell things had gotten the way they were. Over a week later, I kind of wished I had kept my curiosity to myself. As for what I learned… Once upon a time, the alicorns didn’t live in Equestria. I don’t actually knew where they came from originally, because neither of the sisters bothered to find that out for themselves. And since they were my only real source of information until I could bug Tia into making another flashback potion, I was stuck with a half-complete origin story. But anyway… The alicorn herd traveled through space, or maybe across dimensions (Lulu and Tia weren’t really clear on that, and with Luna’s magic that moved whole stars however she wanted to arrange them, I obviously wasn’t dealing with the rules of my old reality anymore) until they came to Equestria. Not sure why they settled where they did either. But when they did show up, they planted the Tree of Harmony, and went about populating the planet with all the little critters and such. Some of them even got the bright idea to give some of these animals the ability to speak, but that was pretty much it. It was one thing to teach a dog to tell its master what it was thinking, but giving it the ability to use magic capable of putting it above its master was another thing altogether. Although, not that every creature was without magic. The diamond dogs could do stuff like ‘swim’ through the earth, and breezies could use magic to keep flowers fresh all year round. But aside from powers that made them glorified landscaping artists, there really wasn’t much non-alicorns could do. Still, it was a time of happiness and harmony and junk. The alicorns apparently took good care of their pets, and everybody got along as they ran and frolicked in the grass. Even the magical ponies didn’t bother to create a civilization back then, and just lived outdoors with everything else. Then, the draconequus showed up. Neither of the girls were clear on the numbers, but there were definitely a civilization’s worth of them, all come to…well, Celestia and Luna said with their chaotic nature being the antithesis of the alicorns, they decided to dick with the quadrupeds by messing with their stuff. They slapped different animals together and mutated others into monsters. Neither of the girls could give me an answer as to why they did that, or other things like turning the floor into actual lava when they wanted to play with their creations though. Naturally, the alicorns didn’t much like their sapient pets being knocked off by invading aliens as some kind of joke. So, the alicorn-draconequus war began. Although the mismatch magic users were more powerful one-on-one, alicorns could combine their magic to overpower the chaos creatures while the magic of Discord’s ancestors resisted working together in such a combined effort. Eventually, the draconequus race struck at the Tree of Harmony, with most of their kind joining in on an assault. The alicorns struck back with the magic of the Tree itself. The resulting battle had two lasting effects: the first was the lingering magic of the Everfree Forest with the way it did things the way it wanted to, and the second was a disease or something that damaged the pony population. This only became apparent years later, when alicorns started having kids with only a horn, a pair of wings, or just earth pony strength instead of all three. Although when I asked about where the zebras fit in, the princesses said both zebras and donkeys were ‘a bit more complicated’ in their origins than that. But didn’t go into details. The draconequus didn’t escape uninjured either. In fact, they didn’t escape at all. Luna and Celestia weren’t big on the details, but…it sounded like most of the draconequus species didn’t survive that battle. As for the rest, an alicorn was selected to carry most of the ponies’ remaining magic to hunt down the surviving draconequus to ensure what was left of ponykind would live in peace. It was an alicorn that was smart enough to figure out how to use the Tree of Harmony many years later to fix whatever damages had been done to her genetic code so she could make two more naturally-born alicorns before she died from a combination of wounds and age. I don’t actually know of she was named Faust or not. Luna didn’t really remember her all that well and Tia…well, a woman’s dead mother is not a good topic for conversation. But Celestia said she did have a white coat, so…I took that as confirmation that Fausticorn had lived at one time or another. Of course, the need for Equestrian history wasn’t the only thing I had taken away from the buffalo incident… “Okay see, here’s the thing,” I said to the perpetrator as he looked back up at me with big brown eyes while we stood in Luna’s bedroom. “I know you’re…somewhat intelligent. I know you can at least understand me. SO WHEN I SAY THAT LUNA’S CROWN IS NOT A CHEW TOY, I EXPECT YOU TO KEEP YOUR TEETH OFF OF IT!” The newspaper I had in my magic rolled up and drew Ace’s attention away from the silver tiara I had taken away from him moments ago. “Bad dog!” I yelled before giving him a few swats to get the point across. “No. Eating. Luna’s. Jewelry!” A second after I was done, the non-pony quadruped scampered past my girls and out the door. I lifted my landlord’s crown in her magic with a grimace. There was almost a comical amount of slobber on the thing. Never before had I been so happy to have telekinesis. Ugh, now I know what it feels like to be Peter Griffin, thought to myself while I considered changing Ace’s name to Brian. Smart enough to communicate, but still stupid enough to chase cars. “Send it to be cleaned and the teeth marks removed…again,” I said to Twinkleshine before passing it over to the cream colored pony. Then I looked over to Sparkler. “And have the chef put our lunch in a-uh, food carrying container. I’m going to Ponyville.” I needed a good pick-me-up, and Rarity should have been done with my dress by now. Me and Tia fighting had caused some delays since she sent the basic designs to us after every little change for approval, but the Gala was still weeks away, so we stressed that she didn’t have to rush. Plus, it had been awhile since I had seen Pinkie Pie. Pinkie was always fun to hang out with. And I needed something to take my mind of the fact that Moondancer STILL hadn’t found Sunset’s journal. Just how long did it take a nerd to look through every single book in Equestria and find the one I needed? Okay, it would have gone a lot smoother if she actually knew what she was looking for, but…that would have tipped my hand. Sure, Sunset was suffering the horrible fate that was high school, but I wasn’t about to out myself as something other than a pony-possessing life form with too much foreknowledge on her hooves. With my minions ordered around for the morning, I trotted out the door and down the halls, turning this way and that on my way to the kitchens. But, before I could make my escape, a pink pony princess stumbled across my path, about as surprised to see me as I was to see her. “Cadance,” I said to the princess. I had known she had gotten back from working out a deal with the buffalo about two days ago because Luna had to sign the papers with Celestia. But I had thought she would have still been in bed…with Shining Armor. She smiled back at me. “Luna, Nighty! What are you two doing?” Before I could BS my way around saying that I was ditching her and Tia to go see the girls, Luna answered the question for me. “We are traveling to Ponyville to see our friends.” Cadance let out a little giggle and put on a smile. “Great minds think alike, huh?” she said before motioning for me to follow her. “Come on, we’ll take the chariots.” I blinked at the odd addition to our group, but...shrugged it off a moment later. The more the merrier. "Fine. But I need to get some food first." Despite all of my experience in MLP, one thing I had never seen was a pony using a friend for was a sympathetic ear. Cadance broke that trend on the skyway to Ponyville. From the sound of things, entering into talks with a species whose leaders were still in their teens, combined with a stubbornness that seemed to be a genetic trait shared by all of the tribe had made Cadance need to share her displeasure of the event with anyone who would listen. And like any good friend, I completely blocked her out while nodding my head at the appropriate times to make it seem like I was listening. That way, she got to experience the joy’s of a sympathetic ear, and I didn’t have to endure her whining. Or…whinnying, I guess. Thus, the two of us made it to Ponyville, feeling a bit better than when we had left Canterlot. Cadance, feeling a little better she had gotten something off her chest. And me, who didn’t have to endure it. For what seemed like the first time since I became a pony, there was absolutely nothing wrong with the town when we got to Ponyville. No giant storm clouds, no invading insects after a poisoned grain silo that I had talked Luna into installing, no Rainboom that led to the classic problem of two friends being stuck together. Something Twilight was still recovering from, unfortunately. But that was something to be solved with several more nights of dream therapy as me and Luna got Twilight used to looking down at high places from the safety of the unconscious world. A tactic that seemed to be working. Plus, it let me hang out with Twilight every night and see her act all cute as she hung on to Woona like a living Smarty Pants doll for an added feeling of safety. All of which she was sworn never to reveal, of course. Once Cadance, Luna and I landed and made it past the throng of adoring ponies that kissed the ground we were about to walk on, we found the girls quickly enough. They were all hanging out in front of Sugarcube Corner, chatting happy until the three of us came trotting over. At least, they were until Cadance and I showed up, then we were greeted by even more respectful bows. The sight of them putting their faces in the dirt made me frown. “Ugh. Girls I swear, the next time you do that outside of the throne room, I am going to freeze you like that, lift all of your tails, and take a picture to use as blackmail,” I threatened my friends. The Canterlot Clique, I could stand prostrating themselves before Luna. The Mane Six bowed to nobody. “Nighty!” Luna scolded me. “Friends they may be, but within a public venue, proper etiquette must be maintained!” From her place beside us, I saw Cadance give Luna, or maybe it was me, a raised eyebrow before she shook her head. “Not getting into this one,” she said before looking over to the girls. “So Twilight, how’ve you been?” The purple unicorn gave Cadance an uneasy smile. “Getting better, thanks to Princess Luna.” “She can get a whole ten feet off the ground without wetting herself!” Rainbow Dash bragged. It had the expected reaction from the rest of the girls… “Rainbow!” Twilight shrieked. Pinkie Pie let out a snort of laughter. Applejack groaned. “Ugh. That pony just ain’t right.” Fluttershy blushed and looked away. And Rarity… “Wait,” I mumbled before looking around. The prissy unicorn was not to be found. “Where’s Rarity? You girls waiting for her or something?” I would have explained why they were just standing outside the bakery rather than inside eating. Was Rarity doing a fashionably late thing? With Applejack and Twilight too busy glaring at Dash to answer, Pinkie Pie stepped forward. “Nah. Rarity had to take Spike and go gem hunting. She told me she got this really big order that’s going to take about a thousand gems to make when she came in for breakfast this morning.” I sighed at the news. It didn’t look like I was going to be able to get a peek at my dress after all. Well, a sanctioned peek anyway. I really doubted Rarity had any kind of mystical security system that could stop Luna’s magic if we really wanted to get in. But…that probably would have counted as an invasion of privacy or something, seeing her workspace without permission. Friendship could forgive breaking and entering, but an invasion of privacy? She’d never forgive me. Ponies were weird like that. “So…what do you girls have planned for today?” I asked hopefully. Other than seeing the girls, I hadn’t really had anything in mind myself. It was just one of those spur of the moment things princess possessing entities do when they’re feeling the lack of friends. Twilight waved off the question with a hoof. “Oh, we didn’t make any plans. We were just meeting up for lunch. My shift starts at one. You’d be surprised how many ponies buy coffee after they eat a big meal to avoid the lethargic tendencies that usually follow,” she said before frowning thoughtfully. “Maybe I should do a study on it.” I cocked my head at the news of Twilight’s plans. She had a shift at Starbucks to cover. Wasn’t she supposed to be done working there like…a week ago? “Ah gotta get back to the farm,” Applejack said. “Course, if you’re willing, we’re always happy for some extra help, Princess.” As I didn’t want Luna to smack Applejack upside the head for asking a royal alicorn if she wanted to slum it and indulge in menial labor, even if Lulu and Tia had apparently done plenty of farming in their day, I quickly looked over to Fluttershy. “So…need some help with your animal friends?” Her house may have smelled like a zoo, but it beat…well, tied with Applejack’s idea of a good time. Even knowing that ponies were kind of mentally geared towards using their talents, it was a little disturbing that Applejack’s hobbies were: bucking apples, selling apples, peeling apples, and making apple foods. “Actually, I think you’re going to be too busy saving Rarity to hang out with us, Princess,” Pinkie cut in. I blinked in confusion, and looked over to the pink pony to see that she was pointing at something. When I turned my head around to see just what had gotten Pinkie’s attention, I saw a little purple dragon running towards us as fast as his little legs would carry him. “What the hay?” When he finally got to us. Spike panted for breath, and looked like he only got about half-full before he began speaking. “Rarity, woods, dogs, jewels, taken! SAVE HER!” he shouted in a panic while waving his arms around. Now, during my time in Equestria, I had come to know ponies as intelligent, kind, and compassionate creatures. However, for all the ponification of perfection that they were, there was still one little Achilles heel that they all shared. When faced with a stressful situation, they panicked. And panicking ponies were nothing but a bunch of goddamn morons! It was a trait that Spike had apparently inherited after being around them for so long. “Rarity’s in trouble?” Twilight exclaimed before taking a second to glance down the street where her place of employment was. She sighed and looked back to the dragon. “Alright, tell us what happened Spike!” Instead of answering the unicorn’s question, Spike ran around to jump on her back. “No time to explain! We got to go now! Follow us girls!” he shouted before kicking Twilight on her sides with his heels. The action made the purple pony rear up, and actually start to gallop. Thankfully, before I had to step in and do anything, Cadance’s horn lit up, and surrounded Twilight and her five friends in its magical energy to stop them cold. “Hold up just a minute,” she said with a frown. “Just what do you mean, Rarity’s in trouble?” “There’s no time to explain!” Spike yelled back with worry. Cadance frowned at him before she looked around at the girls. “Seeing as how you’re asking Twilight to run there instead of teleporting, and Rainbow Dash to follow her instead of flying ahead, there’s apparently plenty of time to explain!” she shot back before taking a second to calm down by letting out a long breath. “Now, tell us what’s going on.” As all eyes turned on the dragon, Spike took a moment to look around wildly and then took in a deep breath, as if everything in the world relied on what he was about to say. “Rarity’s been kidnapped by diamond dogs!” Everypony around me gasped, even Cadance. When it came to me, I…well, I’ll admit, I kind of saw something like this coming when Spike ran up to me in a panic. Still, there wasn’t anything to really be afraid about. Rarity could whine in some high-pitched tone that was like a sonic weapon to creatures with sensitive hearing. And the show even said she’d be fine. So there was nothing to worry about. Nothing at all. Except…well…things hadn’t exactly gone the way they should have with the buffalo. What if other butterflies had been flapping their wings to cause other, more violent changes… “Oh that’s not whining Darlings, This is whining!” the Rarity of my imagination went on as she reenacted a particular scene. At least until the head dog walked up and socked her in the jaw. “Oh shut up you stupid pony!” he said. “We don’t need you to talk to find gems! So one more word out of you, and it’s five across the eyes!” A little shiver of fear ran down my back at that mental image. So, thanks to my overactive imagination, which seemed to be getting a little dark these days, I knew just letting the whole thing sort itself out wasn’t an option. Plus, it would be a pretty douche move for me to just stand around in Ponyville while my friends were being attacked in their attempts to save her. “Okay,” Cadance went on. “I want you girls to go to the mayor and tell her what’s going on. Spike, send a letter to Princess Celestia and inform her of the situation, and have her send a few teams of royal guards down to Ponyville under my authority.” Applejack stomped her hoof. “That’s all well and good Princess, but that’ll take them half an hour at the least and Rarity needs help now!” My throat was cleared before Luna spoke. “Which is what we shall be doing while you all await for the arrival of the royal guard,” she told them. “We know you wish to help your friend Applejack, an admirable trait, but to protect our little ponies is the duty of the alicorns. Cadance and the two of us shall retrieve Rarity. We need all of you to make sure that Ponyville is safe in case this act is merely a precursor to a greater problem. As you yourself said, it will take time for the guard to arrive, and our enemies might act before that.” I frowned at Luna’s reasoning. “Wait, what do you mean? Is Ponyville in danger?” Nothing like that had happened from the way I remembered it. “At the moment, we still know not the reason behind this attack on our friend,” Luna told me. “It could be something as simple as a kidnapping done by a few for ransom, or it could merely be the tip of a much more dastardly plot. After all, Rarity wields an Element of Harmony. Even though such is not common knowledge, if the diamonds dogs have indeed decided to rebel against Equestria, our friends would make tempting first strike targets.” Twilight nodded. “We understand Princess,” she said before looking back to the girls. “Fluttershy, go back to your cottage and ask your animal friends if they’ve seen any other diamond dogs around recently. Pinkie Pie, head over to the mayor’s office and tell her what’s going on. Rainbow Dash, fly around to some of the outlying farms and warn them so they’ll come to Ponyville. Applejack, go and make sure your family’s safe. As for me, I’ve got to go tell my boss I’ll be late for my shift…again.” As the girls ran off to complete their tasks, Cadance sighed and shook her head. “She really needs to quit that job.” “I believe there is the requirement of a two week notice,” Luna told her. After we took a second to get directions from Spike, and then sent him back to the tree house where it was safe, Cadance and the two of us headed towards the location that Rarity had been nabbed. However, as we raced there as fast as I could, since galloping at Luna’s full speed still made me stumble a bit, I noticed that Cadance had a troubled look on her face. “Don’t worry! I’m sure Rarity’s fine!” I assured her. At least, I was mostly sure. Like...ninety-percent sure. The effects my presence caused wouldn’t have done some kind of weird Starlight Glimmer apocalypse-style change to what I knew was going to happen, right? Which reminded me, I needed to hurry up and get rid of that pony before Twilight ran into her. There was no way in hell I was going to take a chance on letting her dick with the time stream now that I was mucking about with it too. But an excuse to just stumble across her town would have to wait. Cadance looked at me at the corner of her eye. “It’s not that,” she told me. “It’s just…this will be the first time I’ve actually have to use the combat magic that Auntie taught me.” I opened my mouth to offer a reassurance that she’d be fine but…there was just one little problem with that. I didn’t actually have any real combat experience either. Sure, I had plenty of training, especially since Luna decided that after the Great Southern Plains War where I just stood around and had Celestia protect our collective ass that it was time to really get serious about molding us into a dark protector of the citizenry. But my actual experience when it came to dangerous situations was...nil. “Worry not young Cadance,” Luna spoke up when I failed to offer any reassurances. “Thanks to my latest training regimen, Nighty will be more than capable of dealing with a diamond dog incursion into Ponyville and retrieving our dearest friend Rarity from their slobbering jaws!” I winced. “Gee Luna, thanks for putting on the pressure on me.” Despite my unease of Luna’s mentioning her boot camp, Cadance actually got a little curious. “What kind of training?” “Well,” Luna began as she began to describe the most painful two weeks of our lives together. -The Night After Nightmare and Luna Returned to Canterlot- “Nighty, I have come to a decision!” Luna announced as one of her bat ponies held a mirror up in front of us so I could kind of talk to her face to face and see the mare’s displeased scowl. “After thy pitiful showing against the buffalo, where Celestia had to spend all of her time protecting us against their charge rather than the two of us bringing a swift end to the battle, thy training must be increased greatly.” I gave an uneasy groan. What Luna was putting me through was hard enough already. Magic this, jump that, fly over there…I was already being put through every kind of pace a pony could. “Oh come on Luna, I’m doing my best here.” The owner of our body was quieted before I felt a tingling in her hoof and it stumped the ground on its own. Then, my mouth started moving again as the rest of the Night Guard started doing their workout routines to the music of a band I had talked Luna into hiring because…well, workouts just went better with music. “Nighty!” Although…the tune they were playing tonight seemed a bit…different… You’re the saddest princess that I’ve ever known But you can bet before I’m through Missy I’ll make a mare, out of you “Wait, that sounds like…oh no,” I mumbled before Luna took our mouth away again. “Soldiers! I order you to bombard me with rotten tomatoes until the Nightmare is able to catch them all in my magic without crushing a single one!” Luna shouted to her men. And so, over the next several nights, I found myself being put through the paces… Tranquil as a forest But on fire within!     After the first night, I had to learn a whole new level of cleaning spell to get the red out of my coat, and the flies didn’t want to disappear until after the sun went down again. Once you find our center We are sure to win Then came the advanced agility training, where Luna had me running along the top of the protective wall that went along the outer edge of Canterlot to ensure even the most foolish of foals couldn’t fall off of the mountain city. To make sure that I kept up a swift pace, a pair of bat ponies followed us around and smacked Luna’s butt with a paddle charged with electricity if I slowed down. What made it even worse was that my wings were also bound by her magic, so just trying to get away via flight wasn’t an option either. “How come you aren’t as annoyed by this as I am?” I screamed at the alicorn that was holding onto her horn to keep me from fighting back against our assailants. A little notepad and quill floated up in front of my face to write out a message. [Because I am used to the pain of combat and do not fear it!]. I growled at the note as if was Luna herself, only to have to read another. [By the way, if you don‘t get my left hoof back on track you’re going to fall]. “Huh?” I replied as I stepped forward and placed a great deal of my weight onto empty air. Then my crappy balance gave out, and I tumbled off the edge of Canterlot while screaming at our impending death. “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” Thankfully, the clouds caught Luna’s body before we went splat. Thou are’t a spineless and pathetic princess But worry not, before I’m through Nightmare, I’ll make a mare out of you! After that, I was starting to think Luna was a little crazy. Because she decided to give me lessons on real aerial avoidance. For that, she needed real arrows. Sharp, magical arrows that really hurt when they ended up getting stuck beneath our skin. So, one night of my double-hell week was spent flying through the skies and attempting to not get turned into a pin cushion. I tried to do the smart thing and hide as much as I could, but… “DO NOT LET HER CATCH HER BREATH!” Luna yelled when I ducked into one of the taller towers of the palace well ahead of the bat ponies, killing my hopes of actually getting a breather. A second later, three arrows sailed into the room and I hit the dirt in time to see them penetrate the wall on the far side of the tower. “HEY!” I yelled at the lunar pegasi that had been after us. “Those almost went right through me!” Nightwing came through the window a second later to knock me back onto the ground. “You sound like one of those fools in school that cut gym.” I looked up at the pegasus, scared to death. The gravestone would read: Alas Nighty we hardly knew ye! And then came the lessons on really how to swim as I continued to recant my horrible experience, all the while Luna' stupid song playing in my head… BE A MARE! You must be swift as the coursing river “THIS IS INSANE!” I shouted at Luna while I tried to pony paddle against the current that the waterfall behind me. BE A MARE! With all the force of a great typhoon I looked at the class five hurricane the Wonderbolts had kicked up under Luna’s orders that she had told me to undo all by my lonesome. “No…bucking…way…” BE A MARE! With all the strength of a raging fire “You…want me to stop that with our bare hooves?” I asked as I looked up at the giant meteor that Luna had decided to pull down from orbit with her magic. Mysterious as the dark side of the moon! I looked up from the playing cards floating in front of me, and slid forward a good hundred bits. “I call,” I said before showing the four princesses in my hand to the rest of the night guard that were still in the game. -Present Day- Cadance blinked as we finished recounting the horrors of Luna’s super fast emergency combat princess training regimen that might have had me curled into a little ball and trembling with the terror of the memories. “Well that’s um…interesting…” she said. Unfortunately for my mental trauma, Equestria didn’t seem to have anything in the way of a psychiatrist to help me deal with what was now a paralyzing fear of everything dangerous. I even went so far as to looking into mental help specialists among the griffons and donkeys. But no, there wasn’t even a fucking wolf with a couch I could sit on and spill Luna’s guts to. “OH GET UP!” Luna yelled at me. “It was not that bad! Besides, a warrior cannot be forged without first taking the useless lump of flesh that is the body of a pony and tempering it in the fires of true danger!” My moment of self pity over, I managed to put Luna’s hooves back under me, and trudged forward to meet our grisly death and the hands of slobbering mongrels. At the very least, we could save Rarity before perishing heroically underground. Together, the three of us headed for the clearing that Spike directed us to, and found the dozen-plus entrances to the diamond dog tunnels just sitting in a low patch of ground. From her place beside us, Cadance blinked at the sight. “Wow…that’s a lot of holes.” I frowned at them all as my MLP trivia reminded me of the fact that the diamond dogs also had a massive underground complex of tunnels just beneath us. “Wait a second,” I asked as my rational mind latched onto a simple fact of physics to help overcome my fear of our impending death. “There’s more holes than there is ground around it! The whole thing should collapse do to a lack of structural integrity!” Unless of course the diamond dogs had managed to-NO, shut up brain! I need this confusion right now, I mentally yelled at myself. “The diamond dogs’ mastery of the earth is indeed a vexing thing,” Luna told me. “However, we need not attempt to waste our time entering their labyrinth through the entrances provided. Such actions in the past did always leave my little ponies with a great deal of pain and frustration to deal with.” Luna then told me to fly into the air, and I kept my mouth shut while following the experienced alicorn’s instructions. Once we were a good ways over the target area, her horn lit up to fire a beam of light into one of the holes. As soon as it disappeared down the hole, geysers of dirt started erupting from all the holes in the area, with a few taking longer than others. As we let it happen, the Princess of the Night took her time walking me through several other preparations that needed to be made when it came to storming the underground dark. “Luna!” Cadance cried out as she looked around while I came in for a landing behind her. “They’re sealing the entrances! What’ll we do now? If we try and blast our way in, won’t that put Rarity in danger from a tunnel collapse?” The light around Luna’s horn winked out, and she took control of her speech once again. “Worry not young Cadance. It matters little that the front door has been shut. For we have our own way inside now that my marking has given us a location to teleport to. Just wait, and I shall assist Nighty with the spell.” Three seconds of Luna holding my magical hand later, and we popped into place beneath the ground that diamond dogs had just finished sealing up. While Cadance stumbled around a little from the shakeup caused by my admittedly amateurish teleports, I took in the scenery despite not an ounce of light being visible. Seeing things without any light is…weird. Impossible too, but…I kind of gave up on the whole ‘YOU CAN’T DO THAT’ kind of stuff when I ended up turning into a possessing monster of darkness inside a magical talking horse. So, I just went with weird. It wasn’t like seeing things at night. At least then I had the moon and starlight. With Luna’s eyes, that was as good as a cloudy day. But in absolute darkness, there was no color to anything at all. Except for black, and varying degrees of gray. I’d say it was like watching a black and white movie, only real and less grainy. But it was still better than pitch black. The sound of shifting earth drew my attention, and I looked behind Cadance to see…nothing but empty tunnel behind the extremely stiff alicorn that had managed to stop stumbling around and stood rigid, braced against the ground-wall while taking in deep breaths of the stale, underground air. With the area around us clear as far as I could tell, I walked over to my best friend. “Cadance?” I asked before nearly falling over when Luna’s right leg shot up of its own accord to be placed on the back of her neck. “Calm thyself my little pony,” Luna told the nervous alicorn in a hard, even voice. “We know places such as this are hard on pegasi, but steel yourself and remember your duties as an alicorn.” I frowned at Luna’s words and the obvious display of fear Cadance was showing. If the girl was claustrophobic, then we needed to get her back to the surface, not drag her in deeper with us. “Hey Cadance, if you want to head back-” “No,” she told me before her horn lit up and turned my monochrome world into one with a new light blue color scheme. Then she took in a deep breath, and let it out. The exercise didn’t seem to do that much good, but Cadance didn’t seem to want to go anywhere else but forward. “I’m good. Rarity’s in trouble, and I’m not just going to run away if a friend is in danger.” Despite how easy it was for me to admire Cadance’s courage, I wasn’t about to just let a pink pony waltz into danger when she clearly wanted to be anywhere else. “But Cadance-” “I’m fine Nighty,” the pink princess pony insisted as she looked up at me with a frown. With a pony set against me so, my ears went flat and I couldn’t stop myself from giving up the fight. While I could probably argue with Celestia and Luna all day about plenty of things, Cadance and the girls were just…harder for some reason. “Okay,” I relented before looking away from the pink pony princess. “Just…stay behind us and help keep an eye out.” Of course, Luna had to add her two cents and completely destroy my attempts to put Cadance in a safe position, at least when it came to my peace of mind. “A sound strategy. Diamond dogs tend to strike at  the rear legs from below. If Cadance provides lookout for our body, we can better scan for danger. Now onward! Rarity awaits rescue.” So, we three heroines sallied forth to rescue the damsel in distress most fare. And as we moved through the underground dark that was lit by many hues of blue, I wracked my brain to try and remember how the hell the girls dealt with the bad guys in the show, and what to expect from them. But when that was...less than helpful, I turned to what Luna had taught me. Lessons with Luna on the enemies of ponykind had been very thorough when it came to teaching me about the former owners of the land where Equestria now stood. Probably the biggest mistake the alicorns had ever made, the diamond dogs were carnivores on a planet full of nothing but intelligent life and possessed their own magic on top of claws capable of using tools. As for what their magic actually did, the creatures could move through dirt and stone like a normal person could move through water. Density did matter, but not by that much. A five foot wall of rock wouldn’t slow a diamond dog down for more than a few seconds. During the war, diamond dogs were known for coming up out of the ground to attack pony settlements that weren’t in the clouds before they quickly retreated back into the dirt. The only major conflicts Equestrians ever had with them were on the dogs’ home turf, where they could neutralize a pegasus’s flight and pretty much attack from any direction. And if things really got bad for them, the dogs would simply cause a cave-in to burry the attacking force while they could simply swim away through the earth and escape. That last bit of information was something that Luna decided to share with Cadance. It made the pink alicorn look around as we finished moving through the downward-sloping tunnel and came out into a cavern that could have fit a good-sized two-story house. “Y-You mean if things go bad, they’ll try and bury us?” she asked as her wings started to really fidget. “Should that happen, you have nothing to worry about Cadance,” Luna assured her while I looked around the area with a frown. As much as I hated to admit it, I was pretty sure we would have been better off in complete darkness. Whatever Luna’s natural night vision was, it was a lot clearer and further-reaching than the light generated by a pair of alicorn horns that gave everything a weird tint. “If the roof above us comes down, I can place a shield around us and-” Luna’s assurances were cut short when some dirt nearly fell down on top of us. “Nighty! Above us!” I blinked at the odd command. “Huh?” Not even a second later, I could hear Luna let out an angry scream from inside my head and one of her legs lashed out to knock Cadance away. The pink pony let out an undignified squawk before the ceiling gave way. Both Luna and I were covered by what had to be a ton of rock and dirt that knocked us to the ground and gave me a premature burial. Premature, because neither Luna nor I actually died. Alicorns were made of some pretty stern stuff, and while pretty eccentric, Luna was hardly an idiot. Part of getting us ready to go into a diamond dog lair included casting a few protection spells when we were up in the air that would keep us from being killed by suffocation and too many rocks to the head. But, it wasn’t like the diamond dogs knew that when they tried to smash our collective skull in. So with us down, the bad guys dropped from the ceiling to gloat. Judging by the amount of thuds my pony ears picked up, there were three of them, kind of big and bulky if the loud thuds from them landing were anything to go by. I could also hear some clunking metal, telling me at least some of them wore armor. “Heh. Stupid pony! Nothing beats dogs underground!” “Where pink pony go?” “Feh, who cares? Help me dig her up. We make this our dinner.” I went stiff at the last dog’s words. While Luna had said these things ate meat, I had been expecting them to chow down on something a little less sapient than…well, ME. And while I wasn’t exactly hurt, that didn’t mean I wasn’t having any problems. Even an alicorn’s horn had trouble working when there was enough weight put on it. So, I couldn’t just TK my way out of the pile and put the whammy on my wannabe devourers. For a few seconds, I thought I was in serious trouble…until I felt the load pressing down on Luna’s body lighten as the diamond dogs began removing the rocks that were pinning us down. “Be ready,” Luna’s voice spoke in my head as a particular heavy rock was lifted from our chest. Another rock was lifted, and I got a nice black and white picture of three diamond dogs standing over me as I just opened my eyes the tiniest bit. The sight was…a little disturbing, to be honest. Although not carbon copies of each other, the three bipedal bulldog-ish creatures did all have on the same helmets and chest pieces. “Hmmm…does pony look bigger than usual kind?” the middle dog asked the other two. The one of the left snorted. “So what if pony bigger. Means more food.” Then, the third one chimed in. “Heh, stupid big pony fat pony. You no mess with diamond dogs.” Another bit of rubble was removed, and…I figured that now was as good as time as any to make my move. I opened one of my eyes all of the way and glared up at them. “Dogs? You think I can be defeated by a bunch of lowly dogs?” I said darkly. As the dogs jumped back in surprise from my words, I stood up in a swift motion and threw my wings wide for the extra dramatic effect while I sucked in a deep breath. “IT TAKES A MARE TO KILL A MONSTER!” With the booming sound of Luna’s royal voice actually blowing back some of the rubble around me and probably taking out some of the dogs’ eardrums serving as a good distraction, I leapt forward and struck with my hooves. The one of the left was knocked aside by my left hoof, and the one on the right got my right. The one in the middle, I lunged at with an open mouth and bit down hard before he could react. A second later, my mouth was full of the disgusting taste of dirty dog fur and blood as I sunk my teeth into the last diamond dog before lifting him up and shaking him around like a chew toy. One last flick of my head sent the final mongrel flying to the far wall, and I was free to start spitting the absolutely disgusting taste of diamond dog from my mouth as the creature that caused it crashed against the stone. Then, without wasting a single beat, Luna’s horn lit up on her accord, and snatched the three canine creatures up in a field of magic. Which gave me ample opportunity to continue to try and spit the taste of dog from my mouth. A weird explosion sounded from behind me, and I looked back in time to see Cadance rushing in. “Nighty, Luna are you okay?” she cried out desperately before the area was lit up once again in the glow of her horn. “I…am apparently too late to help.” Since Luna had the diamond dogs under wraps, I looked back to Cadance in concern. “We’re good, but what about you?” I asked. Even though I hadn’t been able to control my leg, I had felt that Luna had shoved Cadance pretty hard. “Are you alright?” Cadance nodded. “Just fine,” she said before looking back to the three dogs. “But, what do we do about these guys?” That was something I had an answer for. Ever since Luna teleported us underground, I had been thinking about how we were supposed to find Rarity. I didn’t know if Luna knew any gem finding spells, and even if she did, the fact that Rarity could just walk around and dig wagonloads of them up with a shovel told me the area had to be just saturated with them. Just picking the tunnel with the most gems in an attempt to find her wasn’t going to get me a marshmallow mare at the end of it. But, the three dogs in front of me provided a better option than just randomly picking a direction. They knew the layout of the tunnels. They knew where Rarity was. They were already plenty scared, and they could talk. “I say we ask them where Rarity is,” I said before sitting back on Luna’s haunches and popping her fetlocks like they were knuckles. When I spoke again, I did so with a much more…threatening quality. “And if they don’t want to tell us, we hurt them until they do.” Cadance balked at my plan, and backed away from where Luna and I were sitting. “You’re going to what?” she demanded before frowning at me for some reason. “It’s a pretty simple concept, I ask a question, they tell me what I want to know, or I break a bone,” I explained to the pink pony princess. “Luna! You can’t be willing to go along with this!” My mouth let out a tiny sigh. “While there are other options, delving into the mind of a non-pony takes time, and I am not sure of the effect the Nightmare’s presence would have on such magic. If it is as disruptive as it is in the dream realm, physical damage might very well be preferable to what its presence could do when in direct contact with a conscious mind.” I rolled my eyes at the little reminder Luna gave me when it came to our nightly excursions. Apparently, the way I could mess with dreams wasn’t very nice, all brute force and total control. Which, I’ll admit might have been pretty upsetting to a creature who made subtle changes to guide a dreamer like Luna did. But in my defense, it got the job done. Since it didn’t seem like the pony in charge was going to back her up, Cadance let out a groan. “Well if your only options are to hurt another creature, then maybe you should let somepony else step in,” she said. Before I could try and calm her down, or even ask what she was doing, Cadance walked up to the middle dog and touched her horn to his chest. The light around her pointy pony poker went pink, and there was what sounded like a crash of thunder. When whatever she had done was over, Cadance managed to get the dog out of Luna’s magic grip and drop him to the ground. The dog got to his knees, or whatever it was that dogs had in place of knees, and looked up at the pink pony. “Princess,” the bipedal canine said in a tone that almost sounded reverent. Like, super reverent. Star Wars fan boy meeting George Lucas surrounded by Luke, Han and Leia reverent. “Would you be a dear and help me find my friend? She’s a white unicorn with diamonds for a cutie mark,” Cadance told him. “Other pony? Yes!” the dog replied in such a happy tone that sent a chill down my spine out of how…ecstatic it was. “Max knows where other pony is! You want me show you now, Princess?” Cadance gave the dog a nervous laugh. “Yes,” she said with a nod. “That sounds good. Let us just take care of your friends real quick, and we’ll be on our way.” The dog nodded. “You want Max to do it, Princess?” he asked before snarling at the other dogs. “Max will tear out their throats for Pony Princess!” “No!” Cadance ordered him quickly, making the dog whimper in response as if she had just smacked him with a newspaper. “Uh…Luna will take care of them. You just wait until we’re ready to go, alright?” After Cadance led the dog that was showing super creepy stalker levels of interest in the pink princess away from his friends, I blasted both of them with a sleeping spell that would have left them out for several hours, as long as nothing too loud happened to wake them up like a cave-in. Then, the three of us followed the much too happy and helpful diamond dog through the tunnels. About three feet into the next leg of our journey, I leaned over to talk to the pink pony princess. “Uh Cadance…what did you do to him?” I asked with a sneaking suspicion. I wasn’t certain, but the way he was acting made the whole Big Mac and Cheerilee thing look tame. “I made him love me with all his heart,” the most terrifying creature in the universe replied in a simple tone that had a hint of confusion in it. And when my face kind of contorted into an expression of horrified displeasure at the little pink pony’s deed, Cadance frowned back at me. “Oh, and what you were planning to do was better?” For reference, my mental scoreboard on the evil atrocities went something like this… Broken bad guy’s bones: Solid 5 Luna’s invasion of the mind: A good 7 Cadance’s act of completely destroying another creature’s free will: Perfect 10 It was just another little reminder of how different ponies really were from humans when it came to the moral scale. Sure, they were the paragons of niceness and so sweet that a normal person would develop diabetes by living with the ponies for so long, but every now and then they would show a little quirk that just shouted ‘WRONG’ to my former species’s sensibilities.  Like the fact that ponies kept sapient creatures as pets, or how a pink pony princess could apparently dictate which emotions a creature felt if she wanted to. It actually made me a little worried when it came to that one flashback where Cadance saw that couple fighting and just undid it with her magic. But rather than get into a big argument about it in the middle of the bad guy’s lair, I decided to keep my mouth shut. Plus, Cadance had done it to a diamond dog, something that had been planning to eat both me and probably Rarity too when they got done with her. So…I put it out of my mind for more important things. Like how we were going to hopefully come upon Rarity and blink as the diamond dogs just gave her back rather than pick a fight with a pair of powerful alicorns since the marshmallow unicorn could just whine at the dogs in the perfect frequency to make their ears bleed. Unfortunately, as I wasn’t supposed to know any of that, we had to listen to Luna as she came up with our plan of attack. “We shall go with shock and awe,” our leader announced. “Thanks to the information Max has provided, we know that there are only fifteen of these mongrels total, a number Nighty and I can easily subdue by ourselves. After we draw them in and entrap them, you free Lady Rarity from her yoke, Cadance.” The last word came almost as a curse. Apparently, Luna didn’t like the fact these guys were using our friend as slave labor any more than I did. “And protect her from harm should something do wrong.” Up at the turn in front of us, Max stopped to sniff the air as we came to a halt halfway down the tunnel behind him. “Dogs up ahead Princess.” I concentrated on our horn, and worked the magic that Luna had showed me to block our scent from getting a few inches beyond our coat. However, it also meant my princessly BO wouldn’t be going anywhere. Luna had warned me when it came to this particular spell, I didn’t want to have to hold it for long. Being surrounded in a fog of horse sweat probably didn’t smell too good. “Okay, let’s go.” Luna and I rounded the corner before we teleported into the main chamber of the diamond dog’s makeshift mine to land on an uncrushed bolder in the middle of the room. Lamps hung on the walls, which was a surprise to me since diamond dogs were supposed to have the same impossible dark vision that I did, but seeing things in color after nothing but hues of blue was a nice change. Just as I had half-expected, Rarity was in the middle of the room with a wagon attached to her back by a rusty harness that looked heavier than the wagon she was actually pulling. Although, she wasn’t actually pulling the wagon at the moment. My poor little pony was laying in the dirt in tears, the perfect coat Rarity was so proud of near her hindquarters marred by what looked like a claw mark. That actually made me stop for a second. The damn dogs had actually gone and hurt her! Thus did whatever pity I had for these creatures die. The hell with Cadance and the moral ambiguity that was her love magic. She could make them all become obsessed with sucking their own dicks for all I cared. These bastards had hurt Rarity, and they were going to fucking PAY! “FOUL MONSTERS!” Luna shouted from atop our rock, quickly drawing their attention. “A beautiful mare is not to be subjected to such foul treatment by mongrel dogs! I am Princess Luna of Equestria, and in the name of the moon-” “-and in the name of love!” Cadance added as she stepped out from the tunnel next to her enthralled love-slave. “We shall punish thee!” Luna finished. As for me, I threw out a hoof to point at the monsters in a dramatic way while throwing our wings wide in a rather poor attempt at intimidation. A rather slim diamond dog in a vest that was standing next to another one that wasn’t even half as tall looked back and forth between me and Cadance with a frown. “More ponies?” he yelled before pointing at me on top of my little hill. “More work horses! Get them!” As Luna put her attention back on her horn, I looked around wildly while the diamond dogs started to literally come out of the walls with ropes for our mouths, not to mention the ceiling. “Uh, Luna, mass paralysis spell if you please?” Our horn lit up, and the blue mare guided me through the somewhat familiar motions of freezing another pony in place. But instead of releasing the energy, we let it build up for a second as the dogs came closer and closer. Cadance’s bodyguard growled and barked as the other diamond dogs got near them. Rarity let out a scream when one of the hounds made for her again, only to have it cover its ears in a whimper. And then, not even a second before the dogs from above were due to reach us, Luna ordered me to lose the spell. There was a bright flash of blue as the area was covered in Luna’s magic, and I looked around as every single diamond dog floated in place, surrounded by a dark blue glow. “Considering your position,” Luna spoke while I held onto the magic that kept the dogs from moving. “We would advise an unconditional surrender.” Unfortunately, despite Luna’s declaration of punishment, all crimes committed during daylight hours were Celestia’s duty to take care of. So after we gathered up all of the diamond dogs in the mine and helped Rarity with the massive amount of gems she had gotten them to dig up for her, Luna had us take her to Canterlot to serve as a witness to their actions and formally file charges. The rest of the girls came too of course. They were worried about Rarity, and she was more than happy to talk about her harrowing experience of being surrounded by dirt and being accosted by those horribly smelling diamond dogs. To be honest, I think she was making it sound worse than it actually was for her, especially when I saw the mark on her butt was just a little scratch. She actually seemed more traumatized about being called an ugly mule than anything else. It didn’t mean I was about to let these idiots off for kidnapping, enslavement, assault, and whatever the hell the charge was for planning to eat someone that wasn’t the same species though. As far as I was concerned, they deserved worse than whatever Princess Celestia was about to give them. Not that I thought she was going to be light. Just looking at her as Max was forced to explain what the group had done since leaving the diamond dog territory enable anyone who knew Celestia well enough to see what she thought about the whole ordeal. That pony was pissed. By the time the trial was drawing to a close, it was obvious she wasn’t about to just give them a slap on the wrist. And they deserved the worst she had. The dog’s hometown was pretty damn far north of Ponyville, and Max had said that they had done plenty of damage on their way south in search of gems. The ones they had on them when Rarity had been captured had been taken from some other ponies that they had...eaten. It had been those ponies that had pointed them in the direction of Ponyville, in fact. As the trial came to a close, I stood in the throne room next to the dogs that were surrounded by dozens of royal guards under the direct command of Shining Armor. The girls were off to the side of the dais while they waited for Rarity to finish her testimony, Spike having gone first to describe the kidnapping. Celestia sat up on her golden throne with a frown on her face as Rarity finished going over the ordeal. Once the unicorn was done, the looked over to the one diamond dog that wasn’t being held in chains of magical moonlight Luna had shown me how to conjure. “While the testimonies of the creatures you harmed on top of what Luna witnessed is more than enough to justify punishment to you and your pack,” she said while looking down at Max, who was giving Cadance that same look of creepy devotion while Shining Armor stood between them to glare at the dog. “There is something I want to know. “After the war, my sister and I accepted the surrender of your surviving kind on the promise that they would no longer harm another living creature. My ponies provided plants that would serve to meet the nutritional needs of the diamond dogs, and you are allowed to govern yourselves within the territory allotted you. Yet, every few years, there are those like you and your friends that do not wish to live in harmony with Equestria. They…eat meat, and go to any lengths for gems, despite their useless nature to diamond dogs. And now that I have one of you unwilling to lie at the orders of my niece, I must ask you, why? What is it that drives you to do these things when I have done everything possible to ensure that such actions are unnecessary?” The dog looked back to Cadance, who nodded for him to answer. After a few seconds of thinking, Max spoke. “Because shiny gems are pretty, and meat tastes better than beans or stupid tofu.” I raised an eyebrow at such…simplistic reasoning. We were silent for a few more minutes, but there was no deeper explanation. So super special explanation to create some greater understanding. The dogs had simply kidnapped Rarity and hurt several others on their way south because...they had wanted to. Apparently, Qui-Gon Jinn was right. The ability to speak was not in fact a sign of intelligence. A snort came from Celestia’s nose. “Captain Armor, encase these creatures in a shield and have them taken to Tartarus to be thrown into the pit where they can spend the rest of their lives,” she ordered. It only took Shining a few seconds to take over possession of the prisoners, which he then escorted out with the platoon’s worth of soldiers to help him. Once he was gone, I joined the rest of the girls as Celestia made her way down the stairs to her throne. As she did, I winced at her expression. The alicorn looked...tired. The kind of tired you didn’t show to other people. Twilight stepped forward with a worried look on her face. “Princess Celestia, are you alright?” The goddess looked down at her student to smile just a little bit. “I will be, Twilight,” she said before letting out a sigh and shaking her head. “It’s just…such matters always leave me feeling as if I am in need of a warm bath afterwards.” “Oh I most heartily agree Princess,” Rarity chimed in. “Just being near those creatures makes me want to book a weekend spa treatment.” Celestia gave Rarity a little smile. “That’s not quite what I mean, my little pony,” she said before brightening up a little. “Although, since the day is almost done, how about I take the six of you and Princess Cadance to the one I prefer here in Canterlot? I’m sure that you could all use some relaxation after having to worry about Rarity for so long, and you especially my dear.” While Rarity blushed at the attention and Celestia’s summarization of her dirty coat, Rainbow let out a little groan. “A spa?” she whined. Applejack rolled her eyes. “Didn’t Ah see you coming outta the one in Ponyville just last week?” “Yeah,” Rainbow replied with a roll of her eyes before she pointed towards me and Tia. “Because they’re making me go!” Fluttershy cleared her throat and walked between the blue pegasus and orange farmer. “Well, it does help your hooves, Rainbow.” Before everyone could start going on about how pretty Rainbow’s hooves were in an attempt to drive the little blue pony crazy, I jumped into the conversation. “Alright! The spa sounds like a great idea.” But then, Celestia looked over to me with a smirk. “Well I’m sorry to tell you Nighty that you’ll be working. It is almost time to lower the sun, after all.” “Indeed,” Luna added. “While your performance against the diamond dogs was admirable, there is still much work to be done my other. Now come, we must head to the balcony and perform our daily ritual.” The rest of the girls followed Celestia and Luna out into the hallway before we made our way to one of Canterlot Castle’s many balconies to do the daily job of us goddesses. Then, once we were done, Celestia looked back to the rest of the girls. “You are all welcome to stay in the palace for the night of course,” she said before a light bulb practically appeared above her head. “Oh! We could even have a slumber party if you want. I’ve been wanting to spend time with you all again.” “WOOOHOOO! Princess pony palace slumber party!” Pinkie cheered. The girls walked away in a cheerful mood with Celestia, leaving me and Luna standing on the balcony while we waited for Nightwing to show up for what was sure to be a night of unpleasantness. I sat down on our haunches and crossed my forelegs. “Hey Luna, is this how it was before?” “What do you mean?” she asked. I nodded towards Celestia before she and the girls disappeared around the corner of the hallway and I shut the doors with Luna’s magic. “We risk our lives, we get covered in dirt and sweat and the blood of our enemies, and then Celestia gets the final say in things before she just goes off surrounded by her adoring public as we have to deal with even more junk.” Luna was silent for a few seconds. “Nighty, I wouldn’t exactly put it like that,” she told me. “But…for the most part…yes. She got the attention and all the praise, and I got all the work.” Before I could grumble about the unfairness of it all and use that to kind of manipulate Luna into skipping our nightly training session to go play with the girls, the sound of another pony landing behind us made me look around to see Nightwing standing on the railing. “Princess Luna, I have something to report.” “Go on,” Luna said after I turned around to give Nightwing her full attention. “The day pegasi that Nightmare assigned to watch over the families of your friends landed in Canterlot with something a bit different than the usual comings and goings,” he said before pulling a parchment out of his armor with his mouth for me to snatch up in Luna’s magic. I did my best to slowly keep my eyes moving across the words at the pace that Luna was speaking while we read the scroll. “Laughter family observation daily report number seventy-two.” By the time we were done reading, it didn’t look like I’d be needing to talk Luna into having a night with the girls after all. The Pie rock farm looked a lot like what any brony who had seen the Christmas episode would expect, just with a lot less Christmas stuff. Since we were still in the tail end of Summer, there was no snow on the ground or candy canes…that I think Applejack had hung up, so they wouldn’t have been there anyway. I did get to see Holder’s Bolder from above though. It looked like…a really big rock in the shape of a dragon’s egg. At Luna’s insistence, we did a quick circle in the sky above the place to check out everything else and the surrounding lands as well as the quarry where the Pie’s mined their gems or grew their rocks. I was still kind of confused how that bit of Equestria worked and didn’t want to look like an idiot for asking Pinkie. Overall though, I was a little disturbed at how desolate the place was. Sure, the farm was in the southern end of Equestria and close to the western half of the San Palomino desert, but there was a river touching the eastern end of Pinkie’s home. Irrigation would have been an easy option to get some more greenery. As it was though, the whole place was just a dark and dreary place. Once the sightseeing of nothing was completed, I took us in for a landing with the four bat-ponies that accompanied Luna not far behind. We touched down close to the two-story little country home that Pinkie’s family lived in, and I walked up to the door. There wasn’t much in the way of sound coming from inside the house, but candles next to the windowsill told me that the family was still awake. Hopefully, they were like traditional farm folk and didn’t stop working until the sun went down. As important as it was for me to be at the Pie farm, I didn’t want to upset any of them too much by getting the girls out of bed. I knocked on the door, and waited patiently for a response. Then, when none came in half a minute, I tried again. The door was thrown open before an angry mare with a light gray mane and a muted purple-gray coat stuck her head out. “YEAH? What do you waaaaaaaa,” Limestone Pie said as she probably just noticed to whom she was yelling at. Her eyes went wide, and she gulped. “Oh…buck me.” Despite the obvious angry sex joke about how she would probably make a wild ride, I kept Luna’s mouth shut as the wide-eyed mare slowly backed away from the goddess she had just been as rude as she possibly could in that situation to. “We’ll see ourselves in,” Luna said as I stepped into the house while motioning to the guards to stay outside. The rest of the Pie family was sitting around their dinner table with bowls of stone soup in front of them, staring at the big pony in their midst for a few seconds before Limestone backed her butt into the wall to the right of us and let out a startled cry. “Gah!” “What horror is this?” the brown stallion I think was named Igneous cried out. “Did I not warn you Marble, if you were not to mend your wanton ways that the Mare of the Moon would come for thee?” The mother of the family shrieked. “Oh why child? Why did you not listen! Now, you have brought calamity to us all!” Marble Pie let out a tiny squeak and darted under the table to hide. As for Maud, who was sitting across from her parents at the rectangular table, she gave us an even look and raised her hoof in greeting. “Hello Princess Luna. Hello Nighty,” she said before the tiniest bit of worry crept onto her face. “Is Pinkie Pie okay?” … … After my brain restarted from the crash caused by…well…that, I raised an eyebrow at Maud’s reaction. Being out in the middle of nowhere, I could kind of understand the Pie’s still being terrified of Nightmare Moon. I had gone in kind of expecting it, to be honest. There were still plenty of big city ponies that squeaked in terror at our presence, and the Pies were a long way from the nearest newsstand. “Ms Pie is in good health. But, pray tell child,” Luna spoke up. “How you addressed us, how do you know of our shared predicament?” Maud looked at us for a few more seconds, and then reached into her clothes to pull out a large scroll that she dropped onto the ground. As if by magic, the yellow paper began to unroll, and made its way out the door before it even became half-undone. “Pinkie Pie writes us all the time about what happens back in Ponyville.” Limestone snorted. “As if the rest of us have time to read all that junk she writes,” the grumpy pony grumbled before I looked back at her in curiosity. Which of course made her freeze in terror again. Meeting with the creature your mother had always used to control you with fear had that effect on both ponies and people. “These are Pinkie’s friends, Princess Luna and Nightmare Moon,” Maud continued as if she were talking about the most boring thing in the universe. “They share a body. But Pinkie says Nightmare Moon likes to be called Nighty, now.” “Oh,” the father of the family spoke. “I…see.” The mother slowly nodded. “That’s very…interesting.” “And you’re not here to take Marble away for having a tail that’s two inches off the ground higher than it should be?” Limestone asked cautiously. From underneath the table, Marble Pie let out another squeak. I groaned and covered my face with Luna’s hoof for a moment. “Okay, first off,” I said before taking my hoof away from my eyes. “Even when I was evil, I never actually ate, foalnapped, or killed anypony. I gave ponies bad dreams, and apparently turned a scant few who had sleepwalking problems into my puppets. None of which any of you have to worry about!” Then, I winced when all of the family except Maud cowered from my angry emotional outburst. “Sorry,” I apologized before taking in a breath. “And we’re not actually here because of anything you all did.” As if on cue, there was the sound of hooves impacting wood coming from the stairwell. “Alright, the washroom and bathing tub has been cleaned of all the dirt from today’s work,” a voice I knew belonged to light blue mare with a silvery mane said as she came down to stand at the top of the first flight of stairs. “Now, might Trixie have some dinner?” I smiled in a way that showed off our fangs before taking a step forward to lay eyes on the Great and Powerful Trixie, who went wide-eyed with fear and got droopy ears at our sudden appearance. “We’re here for her.”