//------------------------------// // In Which There Is a Spider // Story: The Usurper King of Equestria // by UsurperBronyZant //------------------------------// Twilit Arachnid ARMOGOHMA [mood music] “SHIT!” I exclaimed, grabbing Church and Lilium and teleporting us all inside the miniboss chamber just as Armogohma fried the spot where we’d just been with what seemed to be some sort of plasma beam. “Well. At least it wasn't a necromorph…on second thought that would kill every being on the planet.” “This is still not good!” I shouted, very much stressed. “It just looks like a giant spider to me.” Church said with a shrug. “This thing is like, spider-squared!” I said, as the gigantic thing climbed up the wall, making its way to the ceiling of the fifty-meter-cube chamber. “Mommy…” Church said as he used Lilium as a meatshield. She only looked at him disdainfully, then used her vectors to place him alongside me and her. “Fine. No meatshield. You don't have to throw a hissy fit.” Lilium only rolled her eyes. “Will you two stop bickering and help me SHOOT THIS THING?!” I asked, a bit annoyed and also stressed from the GIANT SPIDER THAT WAS TRYING TO GIVE US THE NOT-HEALTHY KIND OF PLASMA TRANSFUSION! “Technically we aren't bickering. She hasn't said a word.” Lilium only facehoof’d, before using her vectors to pick up several good-sized rocks, ranging from pebbles to about the size of an orange, and sending them flying towards Armogohma at impossible speeds. “Axios!” Church charged his jetpack and throttled towards the massive arachnid as he grabbed his twin energy swords from his hip and started swinging erratically yet still hitting before he dodged the thing’s plasma beam. As he moved back to avoid the beam, he took some time to inspect his handiwork, and was not at all pleased with the results. To his great surprise, and great frustration, no damage had been done. “OH! NOW YOU HAVE FUCKED UP YOU DIRTY CHEATER! YOU'RE EVEN CAMPING!” Church’s armor suddenly started changing until I saw the Meta. He just put away his energy swords and unslung his sniper rifle before firing at full-auto at Armogohma with explosive rounds. To his frustration, and of no surprise to me, once again his attacks did nothing, aside from annoying Armogohma, as it decided to target him in particular. “That. Is it. I'm going to get a fucking nuke. And then I am going to shove it up your ass and call it explosive diarrhea.” He said in Omega's voice. “Or,” I said, interrupting his rage, “You could just shoot it in the giant orange eye the plasma beam comes from, which is kinda obviously its weak point,” I said somewhat condescendingly. “That is a noob strategy.” “Well, it works,” I said as I did just as I’d said. I fired five shots. Two missed and hit Armogohma’s tough carapace, but the other three found their mark--the large eye in the middle of the creature’s “back,” as it were. With an ear-splitting hiss, Armogohma fell to the ground, cracking it slightly. It landed on its back and its legs curled inward, almost making it look dead. I, however, knew better. “Now to burn that thing alive…” Church muttered as he threw a plasma grenade straight at its ‘belly’, sticking on contact. Then another and another and another. “Yeah, sure, keep wasting your grenades,” I said. “They might not do damage, but they stun it, thereby prolonging this battle. And while you’re doing that, you could be going crazy with a gravity hammer and actually doing damage.” “You are lucky I'm not using forerunner weapons. And thanks for the suggestion.” I facepalmed as he took his gravity hammer and started pounding the Armogohma faster than I could blink with it. “Damn,” I muttered. After a few minutes of this, all that remained of the giant spider was black mist. “What? Is this Minecraft?” Church asked in confusion. “No,” I answered. “Legend of Zelda. No blood, just weird black mist.” Suddenly the ground started to tremble beneath our feet. “Okay. You two need to do something. Something you would never normally do. Okay?” Church asked seriously. “Explain,” I said in a similar tone. “GET TO DA CHOPPA!” He screamed as his pelican collapsed the roof and landed on the ground that hadn't crumbled yet. He took off in a sprint straight towards the open hatch. Little did he know it was too late. Luckily I remembered my levitation, as well as my telekinesis, which I used to catch Lilium. We were a bit shaken, but fine. Church was already in the pelican and waving us in frantically. I used my telekinesis to gently place Lilium in the rear of the craft next to Church, before teleporting to the both of them. “Welcome back Director and guests.” An electronic voice said. “Can you um, you know… Get us out of here?” “Of course.” The hatch closed as we felt ourselves become near weightless. I took a moment to examine the interior of the pelican, which was clearly more than just a dropship. I felt a wave of nostalgia wash over me as I remembered how much I used to be into Doctor Who. “It’s bigger on the inside!” I exclaimed. “Well duh!” Church said in a spot-on impression of Pinkie Pie that was scarily good. As exciting as the ship was, I took a moment to look back out at the newly-formed hole in the floor we’d almost fallen through. At the bottom was something interesting. Whereas before there had been very desert-y decor, at the bottom of the hole it looked much more forest-y, and instead of the nasty green ooze that plagued the upper area, this new lower area had lots of purple streams and mist clouds that looked none too inviting. “Hey, take a look at this,” I called to Church and Lilium. Church looked at Lilium with a shrug before nodding towards me. “What is it?” he asked. “Not sure,” I answered, “but if I had to guess, I’d say the forest part of this temple. And that purple shit? Yeah, that’s poisonous. And probably not too kind to metal either.” “Look. I know you have a fetish for suicidal quests but the answer is no.” “And why not?” I asked. “You’re much better equipped than me and I’m still willing to do it.” “it's not that…You might want to look down a bit further. It gets much worse.” I did as he instructed and saw more of the chamber below us. In addition to the poison rivers and fog, there was a large ravine that split the room in half at an angle. There were also some familiar-looking creatures down there--things that looked like the angsty cousins of Piranha Plants from Super Mario Bros., and what could only be Keese bats. “And that isn't even the worst part. Look around. There is no suitable place to land for at least a few miles.” I looked and saw that he was right. There was no level, clear ground as far as I could tell, and the sickly purple fog didn’t help. My eyes strayed to something else, however. At about the same elevation as us, there was a sort of alcove that hadn’t been there before. Curious and apropos of absolutely nothing, I teleported over to it, and was rewarded for my curiosity. Inside the alcove was a treasure chest, which I then proceeded to open. From the treasure chest sprang a great green light. It took the form of a sphere and almost reminded me of fairies from the Zelda series. It fluttered around me for a bit, before going into me. My whole body felt a bit odd for a second, and then, suddenly I felt great power surging through me, my mind filled with new knowledge. It was then that I realized what had happened. I’d been given new magic. And not just any magic, but wind magic, which was quite convenient. I then realized what I’d done, and quickly teleported back to the pelican. “Hello. You have been gone for 48.19422 seconds,” Church said sternly. “Sorry,” I said apologetically. “I saw a thing in a wall and the gamer in me knew it was a secret, and it was right! Now I CAN AIRBEND!” I exclaimed as I conjured up a small ball of winds like from the Avatar series. “Well, while you were gone Aang, I got a really stupid idea that Lilium has vehemently disagreed with.” “How stupid?” I asked in a far too serious tone. “Mac-cannon to the poisonous-looking stuff.” “Yeah, that’s pretty stupid, considering we don’t have any idea what’s down there,” I said. “For all we know, there could be some massively helpful thing down there, and the MAC shell could go straight through the ground and cause an earthquake or something.” “Lilium here has volunteered herself to go first,” Church said in a way that I couldn't tell if he was lying or not. But from the way she was glaring at him... “Yeah, I think I’ll just use my wind magic to clear the fog,” I said nonchalantly. “Spoilsport. How old are you people anyway? You don't have my sense of humor at all.” “I just don’t think it’s funny when lives are at stake,” I retorted. “Can’t speak for Lilium though.” “Oh, don't act like you don't enjoy the adrenaline that rushes through your veins.” “Not really, not when innocents are at risk,” I said, my voice raising and gaining a harsh edge. “Umm… Yeah… I won't mention THAT story then…” I just sighed, exasperated, and prepared to send out a cloaked radar pulse to determine our location relative to Desert Gem. “Wait a second...why am I…” Church removed his helmet, “...hungry.” “HOW can you be hungry?!” I asked, getting a bit frustrated. “That body is DEAD! How the FLYING FUCK can YOU, an ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE in a DECEASED HUMAN BODY, BE HUNGRY?!” “I learned to not question these sort of things.” Church said cryptically. I was about to lose it, when I remembered an old anger management technique. I removed my helmet and took a very deep breath, in through the nose, out through the mouth, all that shit, and calmed down. “Well, while we are here. I'll just grab a new body from the...room,” Church shuddered as he teleported away. “...I feel like I should be insulted,” I said to myself. “He never even asked what the one I made for him could do. Meh.” Moments later Church returned, looking like...Wait is he the Arbiter? “That’s new,” I remarked. “What is?” Church's voice actually sounded like an elite. “That body,” I replied. “Didn’t expect a sangheili.” “You have no idea what kind of fucked-up shit I had to do to get this.” “You’d be surprised,” I replied. “I’ve been told I have a very active imagination.” “Just kidding. This was already here. This pelican's previous owner could probably rival the Elder Collector from Marvel.” “Damn,” I said, thoroughly impressed. “Still, you weren’t the least bit curious about what I would’ve made for you?” “You never told me. I figured it was a surprise.” “Well, you never asked!” I replied. “If you had, I’d have told you. Hell, judging by what you said, it might even be here!” “Um…Is there supposed to be an angry pair of pegasi and an alicorn flying towards us?” “No,” I replied. “No there most certainly is not.”