//------------------------------// // 54 - Dinner with The Roberts // Story: The Memoirs Of A Reality Jumper // by Techogre //------------------------------// I furrowed my brow in confusion, “Dr Sharma?” Lily rolled her eyes, obviously irritated, “Yeah. Mom can’t talk about you because it sounds crazy, but you always taught me to tell the truth. The school sent me there after Mindy Johnson said I was nuts, and then I punched her.” My daughter grinned with pride, “She doesn’t call me names anymore.” Dash matched her pride, “Good for you, squirt. Can’t let bullies run your life.” “Thanks…” she looked around, then added, “Mom.” Dash’s expression softened, “Hey now, squirt. I’m not your mom yet. Me and your old stal still need to get hitched. Just call me Dash for now.” Lily became a little crestfallen. “Oh, okay.” She leaned in more closely, “You look different than on TV, Dash. Way cooler.” Dash leaned back with her trademark confident smirk, “I know, right? I look even more awesome in real life.” As Lily giggled as I heard Ann in the background, “Lily, mommy’s home.” Lily excitedly got up and ran off, presumably to meet her mother. In the distance, she spoke excitedly, “Mom, guess what? Dad’s on the ‘puter! And so is Rainbow Dash.” Ann’s voice was tired, “Lily if this is one of your pranks-” Lily stomped her foot, “No! It’s! Not! Come look.” A tired-looking Ann came into view, “My God. It is you, Alex.” There was a small pause, her eyes narrowed imperceptibly, and her lips tightened just a tiny bit, “Rainbow.” I blurted out, “Ann. I’m so happy to see you.” She started flatly, “It’s been almost two years.” “I need to get this out. There’s something happening between this world and yours, so I don’t know how long we’ll have this connection.” I closed my eyes for a moment. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry our lives got twisted and turned upside down. I can’t change that. I’m making a life here with a wonderful person,” I pulled Dash closer to me, “and I want you to do the same. You’re a catch, I’m sure you’ll find another trophy husband.” She stared at me and spoke quietly, “Alex, it’s been two years. I thought you were dead. I was sure of it, especially with the time difference. You were declared dead.” Ann sniffed and wiped a tear, “We had a memorial. Bruce even organized a service at the Odd Fellow Lodge.” There was a pause. “Uncle Bruce had a service? Now I really do feel guilty.” Dash rolled her eyes and tapped me on the shoulder, “Alex, you dope, cut it out.” Ann answered in earnest, “The horse has a point. None of this is your fault.” Dash replied with irritation, “I’m a pegasus, not a horse.” Ann scoffed, “Pegasus, horse, what’s the difference.” I raised my hands in irritation. “Ladies, can we please not fight? Ann, do you mind if we run the time test? Dash, it should take an hour or so and give everyone a chance to cool off.” The sky-blue pegasus sighed, “Ann, the big guy has a point. Let’s take a breather and come back as friends, alright? Magic of Friendship and stuff.” Ann rolled her eyes a little, but Dash didn’t notice, or she chose to ignore it. “Sure, fine. Let’s just run the test.” The connection suddenly cut out. I sighed and started the timer. Dash gently tapped her snout to my cheek to get my attention. “Alex, I think Scoots should be here. To meet her sister and stepmom, ya know.” I smiled tenderly at her, “Great idea.” I started getting up, “If I book it, I should be back in time.” Dash gently pushed me back in my seat, “No way, you goof. I’m the fastest mare there is, and you’re still recovering. Sit and wait for your mare to get our squirt.” I had to admit that I wasn’t fighting too hard, “Alright, alright. I’ll keep your spot warm.” She gave me a peck on the nose, “I’m counting on it.” Dash, Scootaloo, and I sat in a semicircle around the laptop. Spike had kindly brought us tea and cookies. The laptop beeped, and I quickly examined the screen. “Huh. I’ve got sixty minutes and thirty-seven seconds.” I spoke quietly, half to myself, “We’re almost synced.” On the screen, Ann looked thoughtful, “So, does this mean we’re on the same time scale? How is that possible? It’s never changed more than a few minutes, even over the course of a few years. I mean, how long have you been there?” I thought for a moment, “I landed on the 16th of Spring, went through Summer, half of Fall, so about fifty weeks, give or take. A little less than an Earth year.” I quickly came to a decision, “I’ll get Twilight involved in this.” The rainbow mare grinned, “Don’t worry, Ann. If anypony can figure this out, it’s Twilight.” Scootaloo chimed in, “You bet! Twilight is the smartest pony in Ponyville, maybe smarter than the Princess. I’m Scootaloo, by the way. Alex and Dash adopted me. You’re in Alex’s herd, so I guess that makes you my other mom.” Ann was taken aback, “Excuse me? Alex adopted you? With her?” I put on my most charming smile, “Yes. Dash and I adopted this little firecracker. As I understand the legal system here, that makes her your daughter since, technically, you’re part of my herd. You’re first of our herd, or alpha mare.” There was a pause, then a snicker, “Herd... well, I’ve been called a cow, but never a mare.” She peered at Scootaloo, “You are a pretty little thing. Well, Scootaloo, no matter what happens, I want you to know I will be proud to be your mom.” The young pegasus grinned, like she was in a wonderful dream, “First a mom and dad, now another mom. It is just like a real herd. Could this get any better?” There was a sudden outburst from Lily, “Oh my gosh, mom! Scootaloo is my sister?” Scootaloo sat straight up, “Who is that? You mean I have a sister, too?” One girl squealed, and the other whinnied, both in delight. Lily started pushing her mom out of the camera’s view, “Scootaloo! Scootaloo! Do you have your Cutie Mark? What about Sweetie Belle or Apple Bloom?” Scoots blushed and turned away. I explained, “Now, now, Lily. Questions about Cutie Marks are kind of private. I’ll explain later, and you will have plenty of chances to talk to her. Right now, me, Mom, and Dash need to talk.” Lily grudgingly obeyed, “Okay. Talk to ya later, sister.” Scootaloo had tears of joy, “I can’t wait,” she savoured the word, “sister.” Ann’s expression softened, “I’ll make sure you two can talk later, but right now, we grownups need to talk.” Lily moved out of view of the camera for a moment before popping back in, “Oh my gosh! I totally forgot about Princess Twilight.” Dash smirked, “Princess Twilight? Twilight’s awesome, but she ain’t no Princess.” Lily’s eyes narrowed, “Are you sure you haven’t got your cutie marks switched, and Twilight got you all to use the magic of friendship or something to get them back? I mean, that was way back in season three, and season five just ended. Does Princess Twilight still talk to Starlight Glimmer? Daniel downloads all the episodes for me. And why isn’t daddy on the show?” Dash muttered to herself, “What is it with humans and that stupid show?” “Lily, sweetie, it’s complicated. For now, you need to let the grownups talk. When we’re done, I promise I’ll let you and Scootaloo talk. When your big brother gets back, I want to talk to him too.” Scootaloo tapped me on the elbow. “So, Dad, let me get this straight: I also have a big brother?” Her expression was neutral, almost bored. I gave her a loving smile, “Yes, his name is Daniel.” She whinnied in joy, “This is amazing! Today just can’t get any better.” Lily quipped, “Don’t get too excited, he’s a jerk.” Dash warned, “Hey, Lily-doo, don’t say mean things about your brother.” Ann unleashed her mom voice, “Lily…” Lily relented, he voice fading as she left the room, “Alright, alright, jeez.” I saw the shadow that belonged to a certain young dragon under the door and called out, “Spike? Could you take Scoots to the kitchen? Thanks.” Spike answered excitedly, a new set of nose plugs not distorting his voice at all, “Sure thing, Alex. Come on, Scootaloo. I’ve got the latest Power Ponies we can read.” He gave a quick conspiratorial glance around, “And some of my world-famous butterscotch, raisin, chocolate chip cookies.” Scootaloo gave Dash and me a final glance and resigned herself, “Alright, I guess.” Dash ruffled her daughter’s mane, “Thanks, squirt. We’ll get this done as soon as we can, I promise.” Scootaloo dutifully followed Spike out of the room. From the screen, Ann spoke quietly, “So, I guess I have a new daughter, huh? I like that. Don’t know how much mothering I’ll get to do, and I sure won’t be able to teach her how to do her nails, but maybe I can show her how to braid her hair.” “And I’ll show her how to be the best flyer she can be and how to be confident. I hope I can be a good mom.” “Rainbow, despite any problems you and I might have, you being a good mom is not one of them. But now that we can talk a bit more properly, you can always come to me for advice. I’ve been a mom for sixteen years, and I know a few tricks.” Ann smiled warmly, “Besides, kids are kids. All they really need good food, a warm place to sleep, and lots of love.” Dash chuckled, “I’ll let Alex handle the food, but I’m good with the rest.” Ann smiled, “He is a good cook, even if he doesn’t admit it.” Both ladies shared a chuckle. I joined them in their chuckle but sobered quickly. “Let’s deal with the elephant in the room, my apparent death and resurrection. So, here is what I think happened; everything was tickety boo when all of a sudden, the stable time difference became not so stable. What was about a sixteen hundred-to-one difference became about one-to-one. This effectively made it look like I was no longer responding for years, my time. You rightly assumed I was dead. I came back from a business trip to find your messages, expecting to wait about four months my time before we could communicate. So, here we are.” Ann sighed, “Here we are.” I thought for a moment. “This is way out of my wheelhouse. I need to bring in Twilight, maybe a Princess.” Dash loyally added, “If Twilight can’t figure it out, Celestia will know what to do. She’s even smarter than my buddy egghead, Twilight.” Ann tapped her crimson lips with her lacquered red fingernail. “I think we can worry about the why’s later. For now, what do I do about my returned husband?” Dash’s eyes narrowed a bit, “It’s not like he can go back to you.” Ann’s eyes narrowed a bit, showing off her green eye shadow, “How do you know, Rainbow? Are you as smart as Twilight? Even close? This might make all the difference.” Dash leaned closer to the screen, an angry sneer forming, “He’s here for good. He’s mine. Deal with it.” I was desperate to stop this fight before things got out of hand, “Ladies, please. Let’s, for the moment, agree that I’m staying here. Ann? Over the years, I’ve had some really smart people tell me point-blank I have no reason to think I can ever get back to you. I doubt this will be any different here.” There was a moment of silence, broken by Ann, “Alright. Rainbow? Until Twilight can say one way or the other, we put this on the back burner?” Dash crossed her forelegs, “Fine. So, what do we do, Ann?” Ann closed her eyes for a moment, then answered. “We agree you two live your lives, for now. Here, I keep the secret. I think Bruce would lynch him if he came back, at least without a lot of proof.” Ann became sad, “I still love you, Alex. I always will, but if you can’t come back…” “I love you too, but you’ve already moved on, right? Like I asked?” “... yes. I’ve gone on a few dates, but it felt like I was cheating on you.” I pleaded, “Don’t do this to yourself, Ann.” Dash spoke with compassion, “Ann, this situation sucks, but if Alex loves you, you can be part of our herd. Bring in your own stallion if you like. It’s a little old-fashioned, but I’m cool with it.” I wanted to thank the three ponies who made my adoption of Scootaloo possible in the best way possible, so I sent them each an invitation. It was Wednesday, and a Sunday dinner would work out perfectly. I want to thank you for making my family here in Equestria complete by inviting you and a friend over for dinner this Sunday. Among my people, sharing food is considered an act of friendship, and I hope to see you there. Please R.S.V.P. by Saturday, the 110th day of Fall. Dash read the note over my shoulder, “What does R.S.V.P. mean?” “Réponse s'il vous plait. It’s French, sorry, Fancy, for please reply.” She draped her forehooves over my shoulders and laid her head on my shoulder. “That’s why I let you hang out with me. You’re all class.” In the cold halls of the Coins mansion, the slow, measured hoof beats of his most trusted assistant echoed in the long wood-panelled hallway. A letter on a silver platter was presented to Golden Coins. He took it, read it, and placed it back. “Please reply with my… humblest apologies that I will be unable to attend at any time in the foreseeable future.” The tan mare kept a neutral expression, “Of course, sir.” “He may not be my enemy, Miss Butterscotch, but I do not feel he is my friend at this time. Besides, thanks to my own rash actions caused by his misplaced heroics, I have a very inconvenient investigation to prepare for.” “Of course, sir. Shall I bring more wine and salt? This year’s pear wine and sea salt from Vanhoover would be a very nice pairing.” “Yes, that sounds pleasant. But, only half the salt, I need a clear head.” With that, he returned to the piles of law books and papers on his desk. Cup Cake examined the letter nervously, “Love muffin, letter for you.” “Sure thing, snickerdoodle.” Carrot dusted the flour from his hooves and then took the letter from his wife. “Oh… dear… I hope it’s not an angry letter.” With a shaking hoof, he read the letter. Cup danced in place nervously, “What it, Carrot? Is he threatening? Does he want to eat us?” Carrot was stock still, his eyes pinpricks, “Even worse. He invited us to… dinner. In his home. For a human friendship ritual.” Relief filled Mrs Cake’s heart, “Oh, well, that doesn’t sound so bad.” Carrot grabbed his wife by the shoulders, “You don’t understand, Cup!” he shook her with each word, “He. Doesn’t. Know.” Realization washed over Cup’s face, “Oh, my.” Carrot threw his forelegs in the air, causing Mrs Cake to drop the tray of muffins, “Exactly! I can’t go.” They stood in silence in the kitchen for a few moments. Mrs Cake offered, “Do you want me to write the letter? You’re hoof writing is atrocious when you’re excited.” Mr Cake replied with relief, “Thank you, honeybunch.” Bonbon picked up a stack of letters from the mailbox. “Bill, bill, junk mail, bill. Oh. Lyra, mail for you. I think it’s from Alex Rob-” “Give me that!” Lyra dived at the offered item, frantically opening it the moment she had her hooves on it. “Oh my gosh! It is! It’s from him! Bonbon, do you know what it means?” Bonbon deadpanned, “No.” Lyra, nose to nose with her marefriend, answered excitedly, “Neither do I! But it’s exciting.” Bonbon answered in a slightly bored tone, “I suppose it is.” Lyra quickly read the short little note. “Want to go on a dinner date? This Sunday? Please? He invited me as part of a human friendship ritual.” Bonbon looked worried, “I don’t know. Will he be serving meat?” Lyra rolled her eyes, “I doubt it. He’s very sensitive to pony sensibilities.” Lyra thought for a moment. “He might serve fish for the nag.” Bonbon answered with a warning tone, “Now, Lyra, what have I told you about being nice?” Lyra replied in a sing-song voice, “That the past is the past, and I should live and let live.” Bonbon patted Lyra on the head like a foal who solved a complex math problem, “Good filly. So, with that in mind, I would be delighted to be your date.” Over the next two days, I received replies. The first was from Golden Coins. Dash and Scootaloo were crowded around me, excitedly reading the letter. Mr Alex Roberts, It is with deep regret to inform you that I shall be unavailable to join you at your delightful dinner party. I am saddened to tell you that due to circumstances beyond my control, this will apply to all such invitations in the foreseeable future. Your Servant, Golden Coins cc: Ms Butterscotch, Pencil Pusher, Town Of Ponyville Notary Office Sending a courtesy copy to City Hall was a nice touch. To be honest, I was not surprised, but now he can’t say I didn’t invite him. Dash snorted, “So the big jerk isn’t coming? Good. He would have stunk up our house.” Scootaloo, loyal to her mom, cheered her on, “Yeah, mom. Silver Spoon isn’t that bad once you get to know her, but her dad? I’ll bet he said nothing but bad things about you.” I raised my hand, “Now, now, girls. Be nice. We don’t know what he said. Maybe it was the nicest of them all.” The next day, I received the other two responses. Dear Alex Roberts, I’m afraid we will be unable to attend. Likely ever. The busy life of a baker and all that. Carrot Cake Short and sweet. Still, it is a little surprising. I’ll try to spend some time there. Maybe I offended them? Dear Alex, I am so excited to be invited to your house to become your friend. I look forward to comparing my speculations (Vol. 6, Chapter 37 - Making Friends) to your actual friendship ceremony. Your Soon To Be Friend, Lyra Heartstrings P.S. I promised Bonbon you wouldn’t serve meat. I suppose it would be okay if you served fish for the n Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo. Scootaloo hopped excitedly, “I’m so glad Lyra is coming. She’s so nice. Last week, she gave us all bags of Bonbon’s candies while she was asking about you. Her candies are the best in Equestria.” I gave her a half smile, “Really? Me? Huh.” My little filly got confused, “Yeah, but she seems to get really annoyed when I talk about Mom. I just don’t get it.” I was glad Scoots was facing away from Dash at that moment because her expression was surprisingly ugly. After Scootaloo had been tucked away in bed, Dash and I followed suit. I started rubbing her shoulders. I was rewarded by her sigh, and then she leaned into me. “Dash, I can tell there are some hard feelings between you and Lyra.” She stiffened a little. “Why don’t I take them and Scoots out for supper? I’ll... suggest you’re on a mission for Princess Celestia or something.” She rubbed my hand with her cheek. “Alex, I’m not going to ask you to lie for me. Besides, I... I want to show you that I can be, you know, grown-up about this.” I straightened a misaligned feather, “Of course you are. I was just trying to save you some aggravation.” She turned and kissed my jaw, “You’re awesome, you know that? But, no thanks. I need to do this. I need to show you I can control my emotions.” I cupped her cheek in my hand, and she kissed my palm, “Sweetheart, you have nothing to prove to me.” “Fine, then I have to prove it to myself. Not only that, but I used to be kind of flighty. I would bail if I didn’t think they were good enough for me. I…” she trailed off and snuggled closer, “for the first time, I’m afraid I’m the one who’s not cool enough. And I want to show you I can be.” She snorted, “Crazy, right?” I held her tighter and sat in silence for a few minutes. “Want to know the truth? I wake up every morning, afraid that you’ll think, ‘What am I doing with this old fart? He’s not even a pony, and I could do way better for me and Scoots.’” Dash began to protest, “But I would never do that. I’m a different mare because of you. I... I know it’s not just—” “Dash, I know. You do the same to me. I...” I thought for a moment. “Do you know what bugs me most about Coins?” She snickered, relieved at the change of subject, then answered me, “Everything?” I chuckled, “No, it’s how much he reminds me of me.” She pulled back, a little confused and disbelieving. “When I was hopping around, I had the chance to pull all kinds of dirty deals. I knew I would be out of town before they could stop me, but as tempting as it was, I wouldn’t. I knew I had to look at myself in the mirror in the morning, and I knew I would have to look at Ann in the eye one day.” “Well, I’m grateful to Ann for keeping your head straight. It’s something that’s important to me. I’ll have to tell her that the next time we talk. And I’ll tell her about us, how you make me feel complete, how you make me so happy. I don’t care how upset she is at me.” “Ann? Let’s table that for now until the three of us can get things sorted out.” I kissed the end of her snout. “But if I had lost that grounding if Ann wasn’t there to keep me honest... I could have done stuff that would make Coins look like a Boy Scout. Even now, I casually think of what I need to do to crush anyone around me, to play underhanded but perfectly legal tricks, to own this town, including Sweet Apple Acres. I’m fairly sure I could do it in about... oh... give me a year. But if I did that, I would be the loneliest man in Ponyville. I was still working in the kitchen when the doorbell rang. “Can you get that, Dash? I’ve got my hands full.” Scootaloo was helping to set the table, and she wanted everything to be perfect, just like we did. I hear Dash sigh and whisper to herself, “I can do this. For Scoots.” Then, a little louder, “Got it.” I could hear her hoof steps on the floor, another deep breath, and the front door opening. Her voice was brash and brassy, “Hiya, Bonbon.” There was a noticeable pause, “Hey, Lyra.” “Hi Rainbow, it’s so lovely to see you again. I hope you’re doing well.” Lyra’s tone was just a little too friendly. I closed my eyes and sighed, ‘This is going to be a long night.’ Dash replied with what could be interpreted as a little anger, “Fine,” then she immediately regained control of herself, “I’m fine. Thank you. Come in, please. Can I take your scarves?” “Oh, no problem, Rainbow.” Her tone was smooth and condescending. “Your home is our home, right? Isn’t that what humans say?” Her tone sounded coy, playful even, but there was that definite undertone of cattiness. I caught the greenish glow of Lyra’s signature colour. I had to assume she took the scarves with her telekinesis. Dash sputtered, “Thanks.” There was a pregnant pause, “Wait a second, how did... those hooks are hidden and up high.” I think Bonbon sighed, maybe begging Dash not to push the issue. I’m usually a good judge of character and I’m sure she just wanted to make it out of the dinner without unnecessary drama. ‘I’m beginning to regret inviting her. Still, Bonbon seems nice.’ I sighed and called out, “Everything okay?” “Yeah, we’re all good. Right, Lyra? Everything's just peachy keen.” I could hear the controlled anger in Dash’s voice. I also felt pride knowing how hard this was for her and how much self-control she showed. Dash had really changed in the last seasons. When I first meet her she would have at the very least gotten into a yelling match. Lyra replied sweetly, “Oh, of course we’re fine, Rainbow. Why wouldn’t we be just fine.” Dash was curiously silent. When my two guests walked into the kitchen, Bonbon was simply glaring at Lyra, and Lyra was simply looking smug and maybe seemed a little oblivious. Dash followed behind, looking a little caught somehow. Knowing my Dash, she wants to knock some of Lyra’s teeth out; she also wants to show she’s matured and can handle it. Not the happiest place to be. Scootaloo saw her mom’s expression and spoke hesitatingly, “Are you okay, mom?” A stray thought caught me in that moment, ‘How much does she know about Dash’s past? I mean, she still runs her fan club. Anyway, I really hope Lyra keeps Scoots in mind. She needs to tone down this openly aggressive crap.’ Dash’s face lit up, and she smiled warmly at her daughter. “You bet I am squirt. Just... just having a talk with old friends, that’s all. Miss Lyra just gave me something to think about. I’m...” her voice got softer, “okay.” I could see the frustration she was trying to hide. I decided this must be some pony mare posturing. To me, it looked like Lyra was having a pissing match, and Dash wasn’t even defending herself. Satisfied with the answer, Scoots went back to setting up the dinner table. She stumbled as she carried a stack of plates, and the top dish slipped off and shattered on the floor. She looked up at me, “I... I’m so sorry, dad.” I chuckled kindly and started to bend down to pick up the pieces of the shattered plate, “It’s ok, sweetie. It’s just stuff. As long as you’re okay, I’m happy.” Lyra stepped forward, pushing Scootaloo a little out of the way, “Allow me, kid. I wouldn’t want your, dad, to cut up those hands of his.” The plates glowed in her minty green signature, lifted off the filly’s hoof, arranged themselves on the table while the shattered ceramic remains glowed and formed into a haphazard ball. The cupboard under the sink, the one to the left, opened and revealed a garbage can. The mess was deftly deposited, all the while the cupboard above and to the right of the sink opened and a single plate glided into place. I stood, a little flabbergasted. I suppose it’s possible for me to have arranged my kitchen in the exact same way as she had at home. Ponies usually treat the upper cupboard in the same way humans would generally treat the lower cupboards, for things used less often. So how did she know exactly where to look for the plates and the garbage can? “There, that’s some of the trash taken care of.” Lyra innocently looks around, her eyes settling on Dash for a fraction longer than anywhere else. I couldn't help but notice Bonbon wince at her lover’s cruelty. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my Rainbow’s shoulders tense, her wings opened ever so slightly, but before she could react further she glanced at our daughter and relaxed. A look of calm returned to her. Her hoof touched Scootaloo’s shoulder and they shared a moment. Lyra just smiled innocently, it was like she was taking all her hate out on Dash at once. While I suppose it might be good for her to get it out of her system I didn’t appreciate her doing it in front of our daughter. She was an adult, not some teenager that got dumped. Although, I suppose, adults have done far worse for far less reason. I hoped the food would make everyone forget about this little incident, and I hoped this would be the end of it. “Ladies, dinner is ready.” I proceed to serve generous portions of ginger carrots, stir-fried hay with mint, and buttered brussel sprouts. Dash and Scoots dug in. I had been using them as culinary guinea pigs all week, and they knew I made a mean meal. Bonbons looked at the food with a little trepidation, as if it might jump off her plate and bite her. She finally nibbled a carrot and smiled. “This is delicious, Alex.” Rainbow Dash smirked with pride, “You bet, Bonbon. Alex is an awesome cook. I have to be careful not to put on weight.” Lyra, who had also been examining the contents of her plate very carefully, finally took a bite of supper. Her eyes widened in surprise. She started muttering to herself, and I’m sure I was the only one who heard her, “Wow, this is a lot better than the stuff I picked out of his garbage. Must note; human style food degrades quickly.” I did my best to hide my concern. “So, is everyone enjoying the meal?” I was rewarded with a chorus of appreciative nods and eating sounds. “Good. Bonbon, I hear from Scootaloo that you're the best candy maker in Equestria. We’ll have to have a talk, businessman to businessmare. I have a few ideas for candies from my, um, homeworld, I guess. Anyway, I’ve been looking for something-” Dash tapped me on the shoulder, “No business talk at the table, you goof. This is supposed to be just us thanking our friends.” Bonbon smiled, “It’s okay, Rainbow. I’ve heard about his theatre, and I’m flattered he asked me about my candy. But, she does have a point. We’ll talk about this later.” Between mouthfuls of hay, Lyra asked, “Alex, can I look at your laptop?” It was an odd request, but why not, “Sure. Let me get it for you.” She smirked, “Don’t you worry yourself about that. I can get it from here.” Her horn glowed, and I heard the drawer of the desk in the living room open, then shut. A moment later, my laptop floated into the kitchen. She opened it with ease. Bonbon smacked Lyra on the shoulder, “Not during the meal. It’s rude.” Lyra rolled her eyes but dutifully put the laptop back in the living room. I took a controlled breath, careful not to show my anger. “Lyra, could I speak to you in private for a moment? The backyard is fine.” I made eye contact with Dash, and she glanced back with a hint of anger in her eyes. I smiled and made a show of pulling out my knife and placing it beside my plate. Lyra looked disappointed, “Oh... I was hoping for a knife demonstration.” I gave her a tight smile, “I don’t think you want that right now.” Bobon tried to keep a neutral expression, but I could see a hint of worry and hurt over her lover's actions. I felt a real pang of compassion for Bons, seeing the look of abject humiliation on her face. She started to get up from the table, “I’ll get our scarves.” I stopped in the middle of getting up, still crouched. “No, Bonbon, please. You’re both still very welcome. I just wanted to show Lyra some... human stuff, and it’s best done in the backyard.” Dash looked at me, hurt, but knowing I’d do something to smooth everything over or try to anyway. She gave me a little nod and a weak smile. Scootaloo just looked at me worriedly. Lyra’s expression became a little smug, with a hint of confusion. “Sure, let me get my notebook and something to write with-” I put my hand up to interrupt her, “That won’t be necessary. Lyra.” She tried to continue, “But—” I interrupted again, “Please, just come.” As we headed out the back door, I overheard Bons whisper to Dash, “I’m sorry. I’m getting so tired of her nonsense.” I couldn’t help but notice Lyra's ears turn back at that moment, then fold down, her shoulders drop a tiny bit, and she made a slight misstep. As I led Lyra outside into the cool, starry night, I could hear Dash whispering to Scoots, “Don’t worry, Dad's just helping Lyra be a better pony.” I then heard her address Bons, “He won’t hurt her, you know. He would never hurt anypony. Not even Lyra.” I walked slowly to the tree that held up my workout bag. I didn’t speak for several moments, but I could see Lyra was getting a little... bored, I suppose. She just looked at me in the way you would look at what was supposed to be an interesting insect that wasn’t being very interesting at the moment. Without warning, I threw a punch into the workout bag, making Lyra jump in surprise. I turned to face her, and while my face was contorted with anger, I kept my voice steady, not much above a normal speaking voice in volume. “How dare you. How dare you insult my wife in front of our daughter.” Lyra’s expression was confused, “But Rainbow isn’t technically your wife yet.” I only glared at her. “And how,” I threw another punch that smacked loudly, “dare you violate the sanctity of my home.” “What do you mean?” Her eyes quickly shifted from side to side, and the curves of her lips scrunch up a tad. Ponies are terrible liars. I paused for a moment, assembling my thoughts. “You sure knew a hell of a lot about the layout of my house. You knew about the hooks, you knew where all the dishes were after Scootaloo dropped that plate, you knew where the hidden garbage can was, and you knew exactly where I stored the laptop. But the cherry on the sundae was that you knew how to open it. I’m not that bright, but even I could finally put two and two together. Ann had said she talked to a blue-green unicorn for a few minutes, and this unicorn started asking all kinds of questions, like what kind of fire they breathe back on Earth. You, Miss Heartstrings, are the only person who matches that description.” “But I-” “Damn it, I’m more upset that you just took what you wanted rather than asked. Just because you’re stronger, faster, and smarter than me didn’t give you the right to just take what you want. I still think ponies are good people, but you make it very difficult to continue with that belief in your case. You could have at least given me the common courtesy of asking my permission to enter my home. I know ponies have an open-door policy, but this is borderline stalking. What I’m most hurt by is that you think so little of me as a person that you felt you could do whatever the hell you wanted. “Unless you want me to treat you as a common thief, you will walk in there and apologize to Dash, to Scootaloo, and especially to Bons for embarrassing her tonight. All three of those mares are wonderful people. And when this is all said and done, I still have to explain to my daughter why I invited someone like you into my house and her mom sat there and took abuse from you. Do you have any idea how hard that was for her? As a matter of fact, I was reluctant to invite you in our home. I was just going to take you guys out to the restaurant—just me. But Dash wanted to show her daughter and me, I suppose, she could be mature about this. And what do you do? You attack, attack, attack. This is behaviour I would come to expect from a thug. You are, I hope, better than that. So, the choice is yours. A real apology, or go home. I’ll even cover for you if you want. Make it snappy. The ginger carrots are getting cold.” She had a cocky smirk, “I know, I know. You think I’m being a mean old horse to Rainbow, but you’re wrong. All I’m trying to do is help you. You’re not used to ponies like her, and that pony show sure didn’t get you ready for the real deal. You’re a decent guy, and I don’t want to see you make a serious mistake like I did.” I sputtered, “What are you talking about?” Lyra got a serious expression, and her tone was a little condescending. “Look, I’m trying to save you some trouble. I’ve known Rainbow for longer than you. Yes, I realize that the two of you are trying to do the right thing for that filly... But this is Rainbow Dash. Do you really think she’d be a good mother? She’s slept with about two-thirds of the stallions in this town, probably half the mares, too. I know. I was one of them. Do you really think that a mare of… questionable integrity like that is a suitable example for Scootaloo? She’s likely to abandon the two of you the moment things get rough, just like she did with me and every other pony she’s ever dated.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “First off, who I have a relationship with is none of your damn business. Second, I get it. You and Dash had a nasty breakup. That’s in the past. She’s a good person and will make a damn good mom. Overall I don’t give a good goddamn what you think.” Lyra hoofed at the ground. “I know you might not believe me, but I really do care about what happens to you. If I didn’t keep an eye on you, somepony else would, and they wouldn’t keep an open objective mind. They wouldn’t pay enough attention to see you cry over having to kill a rampaging beast. They’d call you a monster and have you put you down. I’m just trying to look out for you.” I rubbed my temples, “I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but you’re wrong. Rainbow Dash and I have a good relationship.” Lyra spoke sadly, “So did we.” I sighed, “I’m not here to review your relationship with Dash. I just ask that you don’t interfere in ours, that’s all.” She turned her head away for the longest moment, then looked up at me with an expression of abject sadness. She finally spoke in a harsh whisper, “Why do I always do this?”  I could see tears welling up in her eyes. “Why do I always obsess over stuff, or pon... people?” The tears begin to flow. “Everyone tells me I’m as smart as Twilight Sparkle. I mean, I’m not as magically gifted. Who is? But our marks averaged out to about the same, and I didn’t need the princess to force me to make friends. But,” she sobbed, “I always do dumb things like this. I always go too far. ” She was now openly crying, not even trying to hide it. “I lost Dash, and now I’ll lose Bons, and I’ll lose you as a friend before I really even had a chance to become your friend and...” She was now unabashedly weeping, an aquamarine pile of misery. I did the only thing that made sense: I dropped to my knee and held her. She started really bawling. I made comforting sounds and stroked her mane. She buried her face into my shoulder and cried even harder. After a few minutes, she managed a squeaky whisper, “Why are you being so nice to me?” She gasped, getting breath, “I broke into your house. I’ve been mean to Dash, treated you like some lab experiment, and... and...” she sobbed, “now Bons is leaving me.” I smiled, “I’m helping you because you’re not a bad pony, just someone who’s been hurt, and you’re lashing out.” I stroked her mane again. I heard the back door open, and Dash peeked out. I made eye contact and gave a little nod and smile. Her head raised a little, and she smiled with pride before closing the door. I could hear Scoots, “Is dad okay?” Dash answered with a strength in her voice I had not heard since the invitation came back, “You bet. He’s just helping Lyra with something.” Bonbon asked meekly, “Is Lyra alright? He’s not... doing things with his hands, is he?” I could hear the smile in Dash’s voice, “Naw, he’s just helping her. He’s... yeah.” She continued slowly, almost as if she was talking to herself, “He’s helping her find redemption.” Scootaloo’s voice was filled with hope, “So, she’ll stop being mean to you?” I could hear Dash’s voice soften, “Maybe. And maybe she’ll stop being mean to herself.” Lyra and I sat on the bench in the backyard. She had stopped crying and just sat in silence with me, her posture very human and very un-pony. I would occasionally glance over with what I hoped was a kind smile. She would sniff occasionally, looking up at Luna’s beautiful starry night, a slight smile on her face. “Rainbow loves the night sky, you know. She said Luna was so happy to sculpt her night again after a thousand years.” She gave a sad little laugh, “When she came back home after becoming an Element, I thought she was pulling my leg. I just couldn’t believe she was the Element of Loyalty, but I knew she wasn’t going to lie to me. It was a good night.” Lyra sniffed loudly, “I really loved her, you know? And then she left me. Said I spent more time chasing dragon fairies than chasing her.” Lyra turned her face away from me, sniffed loudly, and then regained her composure. “She’s not pretty but she’s beautiful, you know?” I smiled, still looking at the stars, “I know exactly what you mean.” We continued in silence until my curiosity got the best of me, “So, you went to school with Twilight?” Lyra answered with a bit of a laugh, “Yeah. I took most of my classes with her, aside from the ones she took with the Princess. There was a herd of us, actually; Moon Dancer, Minuette, Lemon Hearts, and Twinkleshine. We were all in the Advanced group.” I rubbed my chin, “So, what was your best subject?” She got a happy expression, “That’s easy, xenobiology, xenolinguistics, xenoanthropology, xeno-” I smiled, “I get the picture. What about Twilight?” “She was great at almost every subject.” I glanced over and saw Lyra had a smirk. "However, Twilight was never any good at physical anthropology, and she was just terrible at music... Have you ever heard her play the flute? She always tried passing it off as spike sneezing or something.” She gave a little laugh. “Still a good singer, though. Twilight had that much.” There was another long silence until Lyra spoke; her voice was very soft. “I’m sorry.” I leaned over and lightly shoulder-checked her, “Apology accepted. I’m still pissed at the sneaking into my house, but as long as it never happens again, I’m willing to forget about it. Now, the hard part. You need to say the same thing to the three ladies in there.” As we walked back to the back door, Lyra chuckled. “I’m also sorry about the carrots. I can warm them back... oh, right. Magic. Never mind.” I chuckled, “What I wouldn’t give for a microwave oven.” Lyra perked up. “Is that a human invention? What is it? How does it work? Oh, maybe I can just research it.” I spoke in a warning tone, “Lyra. Apologies. Saving your relationship with Bonbon?” She blushed, “Oh, right. I’ll just worry about that oven thing later.” As we reached the back door, Lyra hesitated. Lyra didn't look away as I pointed to the door. I didn't care at this moment if my words struck home. She then looked at the door and slowly walked to it. Her ears were flattened, and I could see enough from her posture she was pretty ashamed of herself as she walked back inside. I followed shortly and shut the door firmly. The sound made Lyra flinch and reminded her that I meant business. Lyra looked at the three at the table. There was an uncomfortable silence for a moment before she finally spoke: "I'm...sorry." She paused again. She was shaking a bit. "I am sorry I disrespected everyone. I'm sorry I said those things to you, Rainbow. I am sorry I upset you and Scootaloo. I am...very sorry, Bons. I think I should leave." Bon Bon pleaded with her marefriend. "Lyra, please stay." She didn't have time to finish before Lyra turned to me. "I meant every word in that affidavit, Alex. I'm sorry I disrespected you and your family." Her horn glowed, and there was a loud snap-crack of teleportation. Bon Bon stood still for a moment, then frowned sadly. There was an uncomfortable silence. Scootaloo was in bed, and Dash and I were silently cleaning up the kitchen. I wasn’t sure what to say after that disaster. Bonbon promised to come back with Lyra some other time after I insisted. We all agreed a cooling-off period was needed. When we were done, I made Dash and myself each a cup of tea. As we sat down, there was the familiar snap-crack of a teleport. Between us, a scroll with a familiar black and blue seal dropped on the table.