I’d meant to see Sunset right after Christmas, but another fresh snowfall buried us and half the town with a good six inches and effectively cut me off from the entire rest of the world. I flirted with the idea of going outside and braving the cold and snow, but my Mom unequivocally shut that down in a matter of seconds, forbidding me from going outside when it was a five-minute struggle just to open the door. I played around with the idea of simply giving her a phone call, but I kept hesitating. Considering what I wanted to ask of her, this felt more like an in-person kind of conversation, and not something that should be done through a phone.
New Year’s Eve came along and the cold kept the snow from melting yet again, so I persisted in being a shut-in for a while longer, eventually forcing me to accept that I’d just have to wait until I met her at school and talk to her then. A smart decision to make, but a hard one when the ball dropped.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart? Something bothering you?” Mom asked me as we watched the news broadcast, noticing I was sulking in my seat.
“Nah, I’m fine,” I said brusquely, waving her aside. Mom was a good confidant, but she’d jumped on the thought of me being with Sunset Shimmer so bad that I didn’t want to give her the ammunition.
Unfortunately, Mom is smarter than she looks, and her face split into a smug smirk. “I understand how you feel,” she sang. “Feeling a bit lonely this New Year’s?”
“Oh hush,” I growled, resenting that she was absolutely right. I was never going to admit it out loud, but I’d been thinking about Sunset all the time since Christmas and –I was almost embarrassed to admit it to myself- I really wanted another kiss. Just, maybe a little more centered next time.
But there was a problem, one that Sunset didn’t know of. Or, didn’t know a whole lot about. I wasn’t exactly an exemplary person and I had a record to prove it, and she was a sweet, gentle-hearted girl. I had no idea how I was going to make this work and I really wanted this girl, so I didn’t want to screw up. I was seriously afraid that I’d end up making her worse off for having dated her, and that was unacceptable. I wasn’t going to be like Estavan and screw her up like he did with my Mom. I also had the problem that I’d never been around a romantic relationship, so I had no idea how to treat her. My parents had obviously had some difficulties and being around a bunch of gangsters usually meant that women were treated like garbage or worse. I was gonna have to do this by ear and that meant figuring it out on my own. I guess she’d want to be treated nicely, but there had to be more to it than that- what would truly make her happy? Not just happy, but make her care about me more deeply? I had no idea.
Nevertheless, I was determined. I wasn’t going to follow in the footsteps of my father and go the same route; I was going to do this right and take care of Sunset- be the best kind of special someone she could find, no matter what. Even if we didn’t end up… well, staying together, I didn’t want to ruin her life or leave her bitter. I’d found that, in some of the same ways I thought about Mom, I wanted what was best for her. Maybe that’d be enough for now.
The first day of school found me to be a nervous, yet excited individual from the moment I woke up. I simply stared at the ceiling of my room for a while and realized this was it- this was the day I was going to ask her. Was I really ready for this? Could I hold up and take care of her the way I should? I was so occupied that it took me a while to notice I was trying to put my shirt on by fitting through the neckline first.
Things didn’t improve from there, as I got more and more nervous at school until by the time I reached my locker, I was positively sweating bullets. I had NO reason to believe this was going to go right- wait, yes I did. Christmas, the party at AJ’s house, Halloween, and everything else. I could do this. If I only just relaxed, I could really do this. I went to my first class with an air of anticipation, waiting for when Sunset would walk through the door and I’d catch her eye and give her a smile, and she’d give me her warm smile that she always gave me, and when class was over I’d ask her for a word and then I’d tell her how I felt about her and she’d say-
The class bell rang and I jumped a good two feet in the air, causing a few folks around me to jump back and laugh. Wait, school was starting and she wasn’t here? I looked over at her chair and it was empty. Roll was called and she didn’t say her name. I glanced over at Rarity who was sitting a few rows up and she didn’t notice me trying to catch her eye. What was going on here? Maybe she was just late.
Five minutes in and she hadn’t shown up yet. Thirty minutes and still nothing. The class was over and Sunset wasn’t there. What was wrong here, besides the fact that she wasn’t with me? I had to know.
“Rares! Hey, Rarity, wait a sec!” I called, racing out of class to catch up with her.
“Something wrong, dear?” she asked innocently.
“Don’t play coy, where’s Sunset?” I demanded. “She never misses a class, she’s never missed a class- what’s up?”
“She’s sick, dear,” Rarity explained, giving me a strange look. “Didn’t you hear the teacher say exactly that when she was taking roll?”
“Uh…” Truth be told, I’d been so intent on finding out where she was that I hadn’t actually been paying attention all that well.
“She got the flu around New Year’s,” Rarity said. “She’s fine, but she’s been quite unwell. Fluttershy and Applejack have been looking in on her for a few days, but with school back on, she’s got no one with her.”
No one with her… I thought that over for a while until I came up with a really, really, really bad idea that was the perfect solution. But if I pulled it and got caught, Mom was gonna kill me, even if it was for love- school was an obsession for her.
Rarity, however, had been scrutinizing me the entire time I had been silent, looking at me with growing sympathy in her eyes. “I only hope you’ll get better, dear,” she said suddenly. “You should’ve told me you were ill, you must positively leave school and get some rest.”
That was strange. “Huh?”
“Well, just look at you, darling!” she cried, looking positively horrified. “Your complexion, you’re sweating madly, and you look absolutely exhausted! You should go home and lie down- just leave school and concentrate on getting better. Aren’t I right?”
It was so perfect I wanted to give her a hug. Instead, I gave a gigantic fake cough and pretended to sneeze. “Yeah, you’re right,” I said in a wheezy voice. “I’ll just go on outta here and, uh, get better.” I gave another hacking cough and looked up at her through squinted eyes. “How do I look?”
“Dreadful, darling,” Rarity smiled, before adding in a hushed voice, “Now go, hurry! She keeps a spare key in the plant pot next to her door!”
“You’re so awesome,” I grinned, jumping to my feet and dashing towards the front doors. I had a special visit to complete, and I just needed to grab a few things.
I made it to Sunset’s house with relatively little fuss. I’d made sure to pass by a small grocery store beforehand to buy a few things, stuffing the bag into my backpack and rushing off. I wasn’t just there to talk to Sunset; if she was truly sick, she’d need some care. Before too long, I found myself at her apartment door and digging out a small key on a ring from the potted plant on her doorstep, putting it in and turning the lock.
As my hand extended forward to grab the handle, I couldn’t help but hesitate. What I was about to attempt to do should be more laid-out than it truly was. All I knew I was going to do was tell Sunset I liked her and help her feel better. I should have prepared some sort of dialogue, thought about what kind of responses I should have, things I should do to help the flu, and so on. I had zilch except good intentions. I was simply going to have to wing it.
And, if I was willing to admit, I was still a little frightened. Relationships weren’t easy. Was I actually capable of this? Of doing the right thing, of being the right person? The fact that I wasn’t sure was more frightening to me than anything. I could be embarking on a journey that I would always regret, or –far worse a thought- a journey that Sunset would always regret. Such a good, sweet, perfect girl, and for me to be the one that ruins her, after all the hard work and effort she had made to better herself? I loathed the very thought.
I gave myself a vigorous shake to clear my head of such thoughts. This was foolishness. Whatever doubt I had was to be discarded at once. No more could I sit there and fret like a little child. I had people who depended on me now- my Mother, my friends, and Sunset. It was time to start standing tall and made sure their needs came before mine. Whatever that meant, I’d do it. So, with a deep breath and renewed spirits, I pushed the door open and left my childhood behind.
Sunset’s apartment held even the rank air of disease: the faint smell of vomit, snot, and sweat mixed together to form a foul odor; paper towels and tissues were thrown haphazardly across the floor in myriad piles that had formed next to every piece of furniture she owned; a plate of cold toast sat on the table, looking like they had barely been touched. For a girl who I’d come to know for being very neat and organized, her home had become a rather dilapidated mess.
I heard the sound of heavy coughing and unusually heavy footfalls on the carpet floor, and Sunset came from around the corner to see who had entered her home. “Oh, hi,” she said, her voice thin and weak from exhaustion. “I guess the girls told you, then.”
She was a pitiful sight, if I was to be honest. Her hair was tangled and lank from nights awake, dark circles hung around her eyes and she smelled faintly of vomit while her nightclothes were stained with what I hoped was sweat. She stared at me with a look of surprise that was dulled by weakness, confusion and fatigue already pushing her past her limits. But to me, no matter how she looked, I felt my heart bounce with happiness at the sight of her.
“Come on, you need to get off your feet,” I said calmly, dropping my bag and walking over to her, taking her hand and leading her towards her couch.
“No, don’t,” she protested faintly before dissolving into a coughing fit, pulling her hand from out of mine. “I don’t want to get you sick, too.”
It was an actually reasonable point, but I ignored it anyway, reaching out and taking her hand once more. “Come on, off your feet, you look exhausted,” I replied.
Giving a wispy sigh, she complied and slowly, carefully laid herself out on the couch, draping a nearby blanket over herself. “Why are you doing this?” she asked plainly.
I hesitated for a few seconds, digging through my bag to see what I had. “You know why,” I replied, glancing back up at her. “When was the last time you got any sleep?”
“But… but why me?” she asked, ignoring my question for the sake of her own.
“Why not you?” I countered. “Now, really, when was the last time you slept?”
Realizing I was actually being serious, she pondered the question for a few moments. “It’s… it’s been a while,” she admitted.
“Alright, so let’s try to get you some rest before anything else,” I said, thinking over whatever my mother had done for me. “Get a nap, sleep for a little while, then we’ll start dealing with the rest.”
“I feel too wretched to even think about sleep,” she coughed, spattering her arm in phlegm.
“You’re feeling worse cause you need sleep,” I replied. “Look, here’s a can of ginger ale, it’ll help settle your stomach. Drink little bits of it when you’re sitting down, but do try to rest. I’ll be in your bedroom taking care of your sheets if you need anything, alright?”
“You don’t have to do this-” she began to protest.
“I want to do it,” I interjected determinedly, looking right into her eyes. “Now, please, get some rest.”
We both stared at each other for the longest time, neither of us willing to give any ground in our little battle of wills. However, mine wasn’t tainted by sickness so I eventually won out. We turned the TV on so she could relax a bit and I headed off to her bedroom.
As I had expected, her sheets were a filthy, sweat-stained mess of tangled linens that reeked, so I held my breath and plunged my hands into the fabric, tearing every piece off until the mattress was completely bare. I threw it all into a pile to be taken to the cleaner’s later on, realizing I’d need to do that later on after Sunset put on a clean set of clothes. I checked the floor to make sure there weren’t any stains that needed removal, then moved on to check her bathroom, which was the nightmarish mess I had expected. Cleaning it was a miserable job that took nearly an hour and a fair amount of cleaner, but I got it done without getting sick myself. I swore later that I’d rub my skin raw washing it all off later, but I was –for the moment- left to be satisfied with my work. I went back into the living room to find Sunset fast asleep, snoring gently into the couch pillow as she gained the rest she desperately needed.
So soft, so quiet, so relaxing and calm… I sat there for a few minutes to simply watch her, feeling whatever tension and anger I usually possessed melt away at such a peaceful sight. Granted, what I was doing was kind of creepy, but for me, it was an irresistible sight to see her like this. After a few minutes I simply took a seat nearby and read over some notes and doodles I had written during my first classes, killing time until she awoke.
After two or three hours –I wasn’t keeping track- I saw her stir and she rose her head ever so slightly, the light in her eyes starting to shine once more. “Feeling any better?” I inquired.
“A little, yeah,” she answered softly, stretching out her arms. “I feel way better, actually.”
“See?” Told you,” I said with a grin. “Look, now go and get a shower, wash yourself down. I put a fresh pair of clothes in there for you once you’re done, so just throw what you’re wearing on your dirty sheets when the time comes.”
Perhaps having actually accepted I really was in charge here, she gave a small sigh and obeyed my orders. Fifteen minutes later she stood in front of me wearing a soft long-sleeve and sweat pants, looking immeasurably more comfortable than she had before. Her eyes were still tired and her face pale and heavy, but she possessed a more relaxed air, no doubt thanks to cleaning most of the sickness off her body.
“You think you could stomach a little food?” I asked, and she gave a tiny nod. I went into the kitchen and made her a simple bowl of soup with crackers, afraid anything else would make her feel worse. I went back to the living room to give it to her and she began to eat, taking small spoonful’s and bites as she went along, occasionally pausing to drink some of the ginger ale. Though she may not have noticed herself, but with every bite I saw her gain a little more strength and energy to fight off the sickness. Already she was doing far better.
After long enough, her bowl was empty and I took it aside, cleaning it off in the kitchen sink and setting it to dry, returning back to Sunset. “Better?” I asked.
“Loads,” she hiccupped, giving me a weak smile that still shone with her warmth. “Thank you, you shouldn’t have.”
“Nonsense, this is exactly where I need to be,” I said patiently, taking a seat on the floor next to the couch.
Sunset’s smile faded and was replaced by a taut, anxious look. “But why? Why me?”
“Why not you?” I said just as before.
“I’m serious,” she croaked. “Please, this isn’t a joke or a game anymore, just… just tell me why. Why’d you have to do this?”
This wasn’t going to be a typical conversation, that much I knew. Everything we were going to say to one another would have serious weight from now on. Every choice, everything we did, would affect the other in ways that neither of us could even start to imagine. How could we? We were just a bunch of kids who had no clue who we truly were or what we were supposed to be, we wouldn’t have a clue as to what we’d be doing. We were going in blind.
Finally, after I had settled on a decision, I answered by saying, “Because we take care of each other. It’s what we do.”
“You shouldn’t trust me to do that,” she said bitterly, turning her face away from me. “I’m the last person you should trust to do what’s right, much less protect anyone.”
“That’s not true,” I said, shuffling up next to her and taking her hand and resting it in mine, gently stroking it as I spoke. “There might not be anyone except my Mom that I trust as much as I do you. You haven’t let me down yet.”
“But what we did to each other- what I did to you- surely you must remember that that’s who I am.”
“That’s not who you are,” I replied. “Maybe never even were. Why do you want to put yourself down like that?”
“It’s the only way to keep myself safe. To keep others safe,” she said. “Maybe, if I always remind myself of who I am-”
“Who you were,” I said with emphasis.
“Then maybe that’ll stop me from doing it all again,” she finished.
“You won’t,” I said firmly. “You never will. You left that old world behind forever and you proved to everyone that you’ve truly changed.”
“None of them believe me,” she said mournfully.
“The girls believe you,” I countered. “I believe you.”
“Then why?”
“Because I’ve seen who you really are,” I answered. “You’re sweet and gentle and kind and you always, always, think of others before yourself, and that is a very admirable quality to have. You are a very good person and the more time I spent around you, the more… the more…” I fell away for a moment.
“The more what?” Sunset asked, taking hold of my hands as I sat there. “It’s alright, you can tell me.”
Ignoring whatever embarrassment I was about to achieve, I pushed forward and said, “The more I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to be someone as good and beautiful as you deserved and I’ve been so afraid that I wasn’t good enough for you. I’m not good enough-”
“I’m a monster,” she said bitterly.
“No you’re not, you are so beautiful-”
“I’ve destroyed people’s lives-”
“And you chose to leave that behind-”
“I’ll always carry that with me-”
“Just stop!” I yelled, taking a tight grip on her hands. “Stop doing that, stop living like that, please! You’ve helped me with so much for months now, from stupid homework crap to reaching out and bringing me up when no one else could. You’ve spent so much time trying to fix your mistakes that you won’t even see that you’re hurting yourself. So just stop and let me help you!”
She looked at me like she had never truly seen me before, a first meeting all over again. I could feel her gaze burning into mine, feeling all her pain and confusion and sadness and the longing I knew she had. Slowly, gently, I loosened my grip on her hands and brought them to my face, caressing her fingers every so softly.
“Oh man,” I whispered longingly, ignoring the sweat she had on her hands. “Every time I see you, all I want to do is be right by your side. At first, when I first started to get to know you, I didn’t even consider the thought. But the more time I spent with you, the more I came to truly know you, the more I knew you were someone I’d always been meant to meet. I don’t care that you’re not perfect, look at my life. All I’ve ever done is the wrong thing until I came here, and I’ve still got a long way to go before I’m where I want to be. But whenever I’m with you, the more I want to be something good, and the more I believe I can be. I need you in my life, Sunset… so, please, just… let me be there for you. Let’s at least try.”
“But… why?” she asked simply.
“Because we take care of each other,” I said simply. “And we always will.”
She pondered over my words for a while before, in a slow, smooth motion, she wrapped her fingers into mine. “You know what’ll come, right?” she asked. “How people will react?”
“Screw ‘em,” I replied.
“They’re gonna attack us and disbelieve everything we say. They’ll say we’re monsters.”
“Screw ‘em.”
“Are you even taking me seriously?”
“I am, I swear! I just don’t care what they think, why should I? All that I care about is what you think, and I’m desperate for an answer because I really like you, and all I’ve wanted for months now is for you to go out with me, so please do me a favor and just say you will.”
Sunset’s face finally broke into a smile and she began to laugh every so softly. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, sometimes,” she said sweetly, pulling me in closer for a long, lasting kiss on the cheek. “You may not be a knight in shining armor, but there’s no one I’d rather have with me.”
My heart sang with a newfound joy as I saw a new chapter of my life begin to unfold right before my eyes, filling me with a deep happiness I had never known before. No matter what came next, I’d truly done it. I’d found her at last.
The rest of the day went speedily, I looking after my new girlfriend while she complied with everything I asked of her. For the most part she simply rested, occasionally leaning up against me as she slept, I too content to let go. To me, every moment I was experiencing that day was precious and irreplaceable, a chunk of a lifetime I’d never have again and I wanted to make it count. Finally, as the sun set and my curfew came running, I said goodbye and received yet another kiss on the cheek, setting my heart afire.
“Let me know if you need anything,” I said breathlessly.
“See you tomorrow, hopefully,” she replied. “And thanks for everything… truly.”
I gave her a smile and added, “Call if you need anything,” before pulling her front door to and heading home, beneath a blanket of shining stars that –to me- had never looked brighter. I found myself whistling old love I hadn’t thought of in years, smiling and laughing to myself at how silly I must look to those who passed by. But any sense of shame I could’ve scrounged up had vanished, leaving me with a joy that couldn’t be tarnished, content to dwell upon and settle upon the beautiful creature I had just left behind.
Oh, life was very good indeed.