A pillar of smoke rose high above the rooftops of Ponyville. The denizens of which followed the snaking trail back to the home of Ponyville’s strangest occupant. The foal of one of the onlookers turned to his father, who stood against a building wall, nursing a metal flask. That young colt would ask why said home was currently on fire.
Wheat Whiskey gave his son a drunken smile. “That young Stalky, is the home of Barrett, he’s what, some—” The stallion hiccuped and shook his head as he spoke. “He is a human thingy and he is currently being hunted by some of Equestria’s greatest and most hopeless ponies.”
“Papa, that story is fucking stupid,” Wheat Stalk said to his father.
Taking a swig of his trusty flask, Wheat Whisky glared at his son. “Oh, so is being grounded for a week stupid?”
“Yes!” the colt said glaring back.
There was a crash and both ponies turned to the burning house in question to see the human himself jumping out of his window. Landing, Barrett stood dusting rubble and soot from his formally clean blue T-shirt.
Barrett, taking heed of the surrounding ponies, rubbed his forehead. “What are you guys looking at? Haven't you ever seen a house on fire before?”
“Yes,” said Wheat Stalk, glancing up at his dad. Rolling his eyes, Wheat Whiskey snagged him by the ear and dragged him away from the scene.
Barrett looked up at his home. “How the hell did my house catch fire anyway?” he wondered. Out of the corner of his eyes, he noticed a familiar face ducking behind a tree.
Barrett, exasperated, removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Of freaking course. Dusk Shine get the hell over here!”
There was a startled yelp and a bright flash from behind the tree.
“Wait don’t leave me!” a small dragoness stumbled from behind the same tree, reaching out for something, or somepony that was no longer there. The girl glanced over to see the human now scowling at her.
“Barb, what the hell did you do?” Barrett hissed while Barb herself backed away, her eyes looking in every direction that did not have a Barrett in it.
Barrett stomped toward the young dragon. Barb turned to run, but in an instant, the human’s hand snatched her by her frills and pulled her back toward his currently burning abode. Barb whined as she struggled helplessly against her captor. Barrett held Barb up towards the flames.
“Barb, explain,” he said simply. He made sure to put more emphasis by giving Barb a light shake.
Barb nervously looked over the house. Suspiciously emerald coloured flames licked at every part of the home, mercilessly burning everything inside. When she remained silent, Barrett shook her a bit until she started talking. “Dusk thought it would be a good idea for you to come live with him. I mean, of course you already have your own house so… ya know. He got this idea.”
Barrett nodded, one of his eyes twitching wildly behind his glasses. “Oh I see, burning down my house was definitely a good idea. How was that supposed to get me to move in with you?!”
Barb twisted around to glare up at him. “Well don’t get mad at me! It was his idea! You know Dusk; he’s not going to see reason.”
“I suppose that’s true… But you see, I don’t completely believe that this was really his idea. Because, Barb, I wasn’t aware that unicorns could shoot fire from their goddamned horns!”
Barb shrugged, a nervous grin stretched across her face. “B-but Dusk bursts into flames all the time!”
“That is true,” he nodded. “But his flames are orange and the flames currently turning my house into a bonfire are not.”
It was then that Barb realized that she had been discovered. In which case she did the only thing she knew. “So, what are you going to do with me?” she asked, looking up at him with wide pleading eyes.
Barrett stared at her, and slowly, a wide menacing smirk grew on his face. The more it grew, the more worried Barb appeared to become. “Oh I don’t know, maybe have a long chat with Elusive about who decided to destroy all of his hard work.” Barrett looked down at his ruined shirt.
Barb followed his gaze and the full brunt of her actions seemed to finally register in her brain. She shrunk down, tears welling up at the corners of her eyes. “No! Please don’t!”
“Then perhaps you can get your fireproof, scaley ass into my home and help me recover my shit!” And with that he pitched her through the second story window. “Meanwhile, I need to find someone to put out these flames,” he muttered as he watched the broken glass fall.
~~~
A fresh bundle of burnt fabrics in her grip, Barb made her way out of the still smoking house. “Here, jerk!” she said, throwing the clothes down. “And next time, can you wait until I’m out of the house before you start spraying?”
Barrett waved to the firefighter ponies as they all flew away before turning back to face the dripping wet dragon and the equally wet, but still blackened, pile of clothes. “Next time don’t burn my house and maybe we’ll wait for you.”
Barrett leaned over and picked up the heap. “Anyway, I’m gonna have to see Elusive anyway to see if I can’t get this all fixed.”
“Wait! Let me come too! I need to make sure you don’t rat me out!”
“No, you don’t. You need to go talk to Dusk and make sure that he realizes that burning down my house isn’t the best way to gain my attention. Nor is poisoning my food to make me sick or using my hair to make a magical clone just to make me jealous!”
“But—”
“Or else I will tell Elusive that you and Dusk torched all of my clothes!" he barked, leaning down to her level. "Do you know how hard it is to get clothes like mine in this world?”
“Fine! Fine! Just… go already,” she huffed, waddling away in defeat.
He looked at Barb’s retreating figure and sighed. Adjusting the pile in his grip, he turned and began walking down the road to Elusives place. On the way he received the normal stares that a rare creature like him would receive.
Barrett himself decided to keep his gaze straight forward, knowing that nopony would dare meet his gaze anyway. He was used to it, though and, despite the stares, something else continued to nag at his mind, something far more irritating to him, something that plagued his mind since the day he moved here.
Damn, why did they all have to be stallions. Can barely find a single mare in this one horse town. And yet, they all have enough kids to fill up a freaking school house! How do they all breed!
A sudden voice jarred Barrett form his bout of thinking. “Oh that one's easy! All the mares are house wives!”
“Get out of my head, Berry,” Barrett said, hissing at the sudden existence of a voice in his ear.
The furry flank of the aforementioned baker bumped against Barrett’s hip. “What, but I’m not in your head, I’m right beside you,” Berry bounced along, smiling at the tired and charred Barrett.
Barrett slowed his pace, allowing Berry to jauntily perambulate around him. “That’s not what I mean and you know it.”
“I mean, I could be if you say yes,” Berry said, hopping in front of Barrett and fluttering his eyes.
“I’m not making out with you, Berry.” Without a second of hesitation Barrett walked around him, leaving the stallion momentarily wilted.
Perking back up Bubble Berry merrily skipped back up to him. “Please!” he pleaded.
“No!" he answered, refusing to meet Berry’s gaze.
“It’ll be great!” Berry urged.
“No! I’ve said it a hundred times and I will say it a thousand more. No!” Barrett hissed as he stopped cold. His grit his teeth in a frothing state of near hysteria.
Even so, Berry just smiled up at him. Placing a hoof on his own chest he closed his eyes and said, “I know, but I also know that in my heart of hearts, one day, you’ll say yes. And that’s what I’m waiting for. Because, fifty nos and a yes still means yes.” Berry opened his eyes and gave him a cute wink.
It was baffling, how fast Barrett’s irritation declined. What was even worse was that he could feel his face heating up from the sight of the pony’s adorable nature. “Go away Berry,” he muttered, walking away.
Berry hoof pumped at his minor victory and continued to follow him. “Now why would I do that?”
Barrett slapped his forehead which was now red enough to match his faded cheeks. “Because the cakes don’t pay you to flirt with me.”
“Ah, fine, but I will get you to admit your feelings, and that’s a Berry Guarantee.” And with that, Berry hopped away and out of Barrett’s hair.
With Berry now gone, Barrett mentally prepared himself for his next trial. Unfortunately, his trek wasn't nearly long enough, for he soon found himself standing outside of his destination. Carousel Boutique stood as tall and familiar as ever. While Barrett held no ill will towards the establishment, its proprietor was a vastly different story.
To his credit Barrett only hesitated for a few seconds before stepping inside the building. “Elusive!” he called.
The well mannered unicorn turned around, a smile spreading across his face. “My, Barret, what a pleasant surprise,” The tall, graceful tailor trotted toward the human, but his step suddenly faltered and he lifted his pink reading glasses and squinted for a second.
His face froze for a moment, and then, with a quicker pace he made his way over to the human and began looking him up and down frantically. “My goodness Barrett, what on earth happened?” He asked, his voice slightly shrill with worry.
“Fucking Barb happened,” Barrett growled. “She and fucking Dusk fucked up my fucking house. All I have right now are the clothes on my fucking back,” he cursed, growing progressively more pissed. Elusive flinched back and let out a sharp gasp from the foul language.
Eventually, his fury calmed and morphed into despair. “I need your help… I need some new clothes because those dickfaces burnt my house down.” Barrett gesticulated at the slowly rising pillar of smoke rising from behind him.
“My goodness, well I’m sure I can help you out with some new clothes,” Elusive said brightly. “I will, of course, need to take your measurements first.”
“Really?” Barrett asked, his voice tinged with exasperation. “I mean, you’ve taken my measurements before, like, a dozen times, and I haven’t eaten that many pizzas since yesterday, so won’t they still be-”
“Nonsense,” Elusive said breezily, his magic snatching Barrett’s hand and yanking the human down the pathway in the direction of the fitting rooms. “This will only take a few moments, darling.”
As Elusive breezily hummed, Barrett felt a sudden chill of apprehension sinking into his guts that has nothing to do with a brisk breeze drifting in from an open window.
A half hour later, Barrett considered his initial concerns very well founded indeed. Elusive had taken him back to the fitting room and ushered him up onto the podium in the centre of the room, Barret protesting all the way.
Elusive had grabbed a tape measure with his magic and then, without any kind of preamble or warning, had wrenched Barrett’s ripped and torched trousers down around his ankles. Barrett had struggled, trying to pull those trousers up, but Elusive had swatted his hand away with a lash of his tape-measure.
“Hold still, sweetheart. I need to get a proper… appreciation for your shape.” Elusive said, his eyes alight. Barrett lifted his hands as directed and tried not to feel too uncomfortable as he felt the unicorn’s gaze sweeping up and down his figure like searchlights.
“Shirt too, sweetie,” Elusive said brightly, and Barrett blinked in horror, but then the tape measure flicked a little too close to his feet and he tugged at his shirt, quickly pulling it off and trying not to hear a low growl of desire from Elusive. While Barrett wasn't by any means a well muscled figure, perhaps a tiny bit pudgy, he had become a bit more athletic since arriving in Equestria due to his increased physical activity.
While normally one would describe being measured by Elusive as relaxing, if a bit invasive, Barrett found it to be a different feeling altogether. And as Elusive’s tape measure drifted lower, Barrett couldn’t help but feel a sudden chill of horror as Elusive reached for a cup on the side…
“Are you sure you don’t have any measurements already?” Barrett asked, stepping off of the platform and dodging a lash from the vindictive tape measure.
“Of course I do,” Elusive replied brightly, reaching for a series of bags that have been stacked in a corner. Relief flew through Barrett, however, it was quickly stifled when Elusive’s tape measure suddenly lashed at him, causing him to skip back in shock.
“How long have you had these for?” he groaned, rubbing his backside before picking up the bags. Before bending over he sent a wary glance at the tape measure.
“About a week,” Elusive replied airily. “Anyway, I have something else-”
The slam of the door is the only answer he received.
The sun was sinking fast and the smoldering remains of his home were no longer proper lodgings. Barrett walked solemnly through the town, the bag of new clothes swaying in the evening breeze. Barrett smiled if not only at the irony that no matter what Dusk had half succeeded. He would indeed need to find somewhere to stay until he could have his extra crispy home repaired.
Barrett thought over everyone who could possibly and sensibly take him in for the night. The problem being that list was depressingly short. Chewing on his bottom lip, Barrett began the trek toward the most likely candidate. After all, farms are built for space, and even if it was just the second story of the barn, shelter was shelter.
Sweet Apple Acres stretched out in a spread of trees and fruit. In the center of the mass of green a humble but well kept farm would host the oldest family in Ponyville, the Apples. As the welcoming sight of the gate passed him by, Barrett was lost in a daze. This daze however was short lived when the sound of three childish voices shattered any hope Barrett had of catching a break.
A small shapeless mass was speeding down the trail, and Barrett could do nothing but accept the oncoming torrent of youthful energy that was the Cutie Mark Crusaders. “Come on Scoots, faster, if we hurry we can find the ‘x’ before it gets dark,” Silver Belle said, whooping in an excited fit.
“Yeah, come on, we gotta hurry before AJ calls me for supper,” Apple Buck called, waving about from within the wagon attached to the diminutive daredevil. as the scooter transport drew closer.
Barrett knew what was to come, it was a fundamental truth that Scootaroll would inevitably crash into him. Closing his eyes, he embraced his fate and waited for the impact. Honestly, he could move... but for some reason he felt that concluding the day like this would bring something of a full ending to it. A day full of bad encounters ending with the CMC didn't sound like a terrible way to go out.
A few seconds passed and Barrett felt nothing shatter. His feet were still placed on the ground and there were no screams of surprise and apology.
“Umm, what are you doing?” Scoots asked.
Eyes still closed, Barrett answered, “Waiting for my fate?” After several more seconds, Barrett's eyes shot open and were met with the startled faces of the three colts.
“Uh, Barrett are you okay?” Apple Buck asked.
“Yeah, why the heck are you standing in the middle of the road with your eyes closed?” Scootaroll asked, fiddling with the handlebars of his precious scooter.
“Oh, is this some kind of human thing?” Silver asked jumping up happily and running around Barrett
Barrett sighed. “Nah, just looking for an out. So what are you three rambunctious wrecking balls up to today?” he asked, smiling down at the children.
Apple Buck turned and picked up a rolled up sheet of parchment that had been sitting on the wagon. “We found this map in Scoot’s basement and we wanna see where it leads.”
Barrett's eyes widened. “Wait, Scoot's basement?”
Silver nodded. “Yeah, his dad said that it might lead to treasure. So we have to find the first landmark before the sun goes down.”
Barrett stopped listening halfway through. “Wait, Dad?!”
“Eeeyeah… why do you look surprised?” asked Scootaroll, his ear flicking in annoyance.
“Wait, so you’re telling me you have parents?” he asked, his jaw practically falling.
“Yeah, you know him,” he said.
“Seriously?,” he exclaimed. “Who—”
“Well, howdy there, Barrett,” Applejack said, trotting up from behind the occupied group.
Barrett barely heard the greeting before he felt a set of powerful limbs wrap around his torso in a incredibly friendly and bone shattering hug. “Uh, AJ, please—”
As suddenly as it had began it was over, and Barrett fell to his knees his breathing haggard as Applejack stood smiling awkwardly and the CMC snickering behind him.
“Well then we gotta go find this treasure now,” Scoots yelled. “Bye!”
“Now hold your horses you three, I ran to catch up with you because it’s dinner time. So, your little treasure hunt will have to wait,” Applejack said, stepping in front of the three crusaders.
“But, AJ,” Apple Buck whined.
Applejack shook his head and pointed back toward the farmhouse. “No, 'buts', it’s time for dinner, now say goodbye to your friends and get ready.”
With great reluctance Apple Buck stepped out of the wagon and the CMC said their farewells. “See ya, Barrett,” he said, trotting off towards the barn.
“So what can Ah do for ya, Biggs?” asked AJ, crossing one leg over the other.
Barrett nervously scratched the back of his head. “Yeah, because of certain Dusk related events I need to ask you for a favor.”
“Really now?” he muttered, smirking. “What happened?”
“Dusk burned my house down,” he admitted, sagging. “So can I stay here for a bit while I find somebody to fix up my place?”
Applejack got the biggest grin on his face. “Yes, yes you can.”
Barrett flinched from the overexcited look in his friend’s eye. “Umm, thanks. I don’t really think I could ask anyone else. Asking Dusk would play right into his hands... err hooves. Butterscotch doesn't have room and the other three… no.”
Applejack nodded in understanding. Trotting over, he patted Barrett on his back, the force of which knocked his glasses askew. “Well you made the right choice, I’ll make you feel right at home. Hell I’ll even fix up yer house when I get a chance.”
“Sweet,” he cheered, fixing his spectacles. “I knew I could count on you.”
“So which would you like first, dinner? You look hungry. A Bath? you smell like smoke. Or—”
“Nah, I’m gonna head to the bar, see if Harp is there. I need someone to complain to.” Turning, Barrett began walking back down the path he came.
Applejack's excited look deflated somewhat. “Oh… alrighty then. I’ll go get yer room ready. See ya.”
~~~
Taking a long sip of his drink, Harpsichord smiled blissfully at his now empty glass. Looking up from it, he glanced around the rest of the bar.
Once again it was the same half full, dimly lit pub it was the last four times he looked around. Over in the corner booth Toffee and Flash were still flirting. Near the back wall Vinny was using his breather between sets to annoy Octavius, though it was obvious that he was enjoying it. And taking up the most of the main floor, Fireworks was celebrating his 21st birthday with a bunch of his friends, the group loud and happily wasted.
“Hmm, I can still remember their names,” muttered Harpsy. Turning back around he threw a hoof into the air and called for the bartender. “Hey, Wheat what the hell? I’m still sober!”
Stumbling over to him, Wheat Whiskey glared at him, though it only lasted a second before he broke out into a smirk. “Hey, I told you about cursing in my bar! You know I hate that word!”
Harpsy returned the look. “Well maybe if you did your job and got me nice and drunk I wouldn’t be using such words. Seriously, are you even allowed to be drinking while working?”
Wheat let out a burp that doubled as a scoff. “Please, it’s my bar I can do what I want.” Reaching under the table he brought out a half full bottle of liquor and sat it on the table in front of Harpsy. “It’s why I bought the damn thing,” he chuckled.
Just as Harpsichord was about to reach for the bottle the door slammed open and the smell of smoke filled the air.
Like every old western movie ever, everypony stopped what they were doing to look at the new arrival. They all watched as the person, hunched over and out of breath, limped into the room. With each step ponies turned to their friends; many whispers and hushed comments were exchanged.
Meanwhile, Harpsy watched as the human limped over and nearly fell into the seat behind him. Now that he was closer the smell of smoke was even stronger than before. And it was obvious why. Parts of the human's clothes were burnt, his normally brown hair had been disheveled and darkened in places, and just about half of his body was covered in soot, staining his light skin a darker brown and almost completely blackening one of the lenses on his glasses.
Harpsy tilted his head and gave him a concerned look. “Hey, Barrett, are you—”
Barrett held a hand up to stop him. Afterwards, the same hand shot over and grabbed the bottle that Wheat had placed in front of him. Without hesitation he began chugging the drink, much to Wheat’s amusement.
“Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!” Wheat cheered, watching the human chug. Soon after half the bar was cheering with him. Vinny had even jumped on top of his table to cheer the loudest, only to pulled off by Octavious not a few moments later.
Only when half the contents of the bottle had disappeared into his gut did he stop and slam the bottle down. The cheers stopped and a second passed before he let out the mother of all drunk burps! The bar exploded in cheers and normalcy was soon restored.
“Nice!” cheered Wheat, letting out burp of his own. “Just for that I’m not gonna charge for that bottle.”
Barrett now only lightly buzzed, just frowned at him. “You run a terrible business,” he remarked.
Wheat just shrugged. “Hey, you’re drunk, I’m drunk! I think I’m doing a hell of a good job here. So uh, Barrett?"
“What?”
Wheat just gave him a lopsided grin. “Did it burn as it went down… the alcohol I mean?”
Barrett narrowed his gaze and glared at him. “Get the hell away from me, Wheat.”
Wheat nearly fell out laughing as he trotted off to continue his work.
Chuckling, Harpsy looked over at the human and resumed his earlier query. “So uhh… did Barb do that?”
He growled in response and his grip on the bottle tightened. “She might as well have! I wouldn’t be surprised if she wanted to set me on fire personally.”
“Harsh. Well come on, spill,” he urged. “And please share some of that!” he said, snatching the bottle with his magic and pouring himself some.
The human rolled his eyes and recounted his story. “So there I am, in my house, just carving out something random on a whim. You know, the usual attempt trying to avoid going outside.”
Harpsy nodded. “As you do.”
“And I start hearing voices from outside my window,” he continued. “Somepony asking if they were sure I wasn’t in the house.”
Harpsy took a swig from his newly refreshed glass. “Which I’m sure you were all day you reclusive bastard you,” he teased.
Barrett nodded. “Yeah, so apparently Barb convinced Dusk that burning down my house would convince me to move in with him. Which, of course, seemed to make perfect sense to him.”
“Well,” Harpsy burped. “He probably just misses you. And, in his defense, this is par for the course. Remember that time he tried to give you that diluted form of love potion.”
Barrett leaned on the table and began rubbing his temples. “Yes, of course I remember. That was the day he confessed to me, I gently turned him down and moved out. But see, I feel like he’s getting worse about it. I mean… you’ve heard some of the stuff he’s done.”
“What do you think?” Seeing the bottle pass back over to him in a cloud of emerald magic, he snatched it out of the air. Barrett threw his head back, only to not taste anything. He turned the bottle upside down and found that it was empty.
Harpsy shrugged and gave him a teasing smirk, swishing his own tall mug. “I think you should just get yourself a Barbar like I did. Just go on a date with him and maybe he’ll calm down a bit.”
“Not gay,” Barrett sighed. “Whatever. I just stopped in here for a drink before I go home and pass out.”
“Just another day in the life of Barrett 'Bad Luck' Biggs,” Harpsy cheered, thrusting his mug in the air. The force of his jab threw him back a bit and he struggled to keep his balance on the chair. A quick pat from Barrett fixed him.
Barrett shrugged and leaned onto the table. “At least I tomorrow I have to hang out with Butterscotch.”
“Have to?” asked Harpsy.
Barrett nodded. “I promised the yellow puffball that I’d help him with his book.”
Harpsichord let out a surprised hiccup as he turned to the human. “Wait Scotch writes books?”
“Yeah,” he chuckled, “I was surprised when he told me a few days ago. I’m pretty curious. Never really got that feeling back in my world.”
Harpsy rolled his eyes and downed the rest of his glass. “Yeah, female versions of us, right? Whatever, I still think you’re nuts.” Pushing the glass away, Harpsy began to stare vacantly into space, his eyes narrowed and clouded over.
“And that’s why you’re the only one I... H-hey, are you alright,” he asked, shaking the pony to get his attention.
Shrugging, Harpsy just turned around the around to recount the ponies in the room. When he found that he couldn’t remember the name of Toffee’s boyfriend, his face lit up in glee. He quickly hopped out of the stool and immediately fell on his face. Instead of groaning in pain, he let out a drunken wheezing chuckle.
Stumbling back into a standing position he leaned back onto the bar table. “See ya, Wheat!”
Wheat, standing on the other side of the bar looked back at him. “Drunk sex?” he asked.
Harpsy threw a hoof into the air and cheered. “Hell yeah! Barbar’s favorite!”
Meanwhile, Barrett chuckled as the drunk unicorn stumbled out of the bar. “Can I get another one?” he called out.