Princess Celestia's Newest Arch Enemy

by naturalbornderpy

The Bidding War (Bonus Chapter)

“Looks like your plan worked perfectly, eh, boss?” Discord said smugly, as he lazily skated through the streets of the newly recreated Potatoville.
Bad Dude sat on one of the draconequus’ shoulders, a hoof wrapped around a horn so he wouldn’t slip off and his royal blue cape billowing out behind him. “That wasn’t my plan!” he exclaimed stubbornly. “You tricked me!”
Discord harrumphed. “That’s not the way I remember it. Let me see if I can recall what happened exactly.” He pulled on his beard in thought. “You said, ‘Hello,’ and I said, ‘Hi,’ and then you asked me to turn everything into potatoes. Yep. That’s how it went, I remember now. Case closed.”
“I didn’t say anything like that!” Bad Dude said squeakily. “I asked if you liked capes and you said you had to think about it.”
“Hmm. Maybe I just had potatoes on the brain. And look at that! Now they’re on the streets and on the buildings as well! We really make a good team, Bad Dude.”
Bad Dude turned to the side and found a trio of foals making a snowpony out of the mashed potatoes on their lawn. While the children laughed as they rolled their potato balls bigger and bigger, the adults looking on only shook their heads and grumbled in annoyance.
“My parents were really mad at me,” Bad Dude admitted sadly. “They said I shouldn’t be playing with you anymore.”
When he rounded a street corner, Discord leapt into the air and performed a spin, landing gracefully on his skates and spraying bits of hash browns everywhere. Bad Dude had to grip his head tight so he wouldn’t fall off.
Discord rolled his eyes. “So what? You got in trouble! You thought villains never got in trouble?” He giggled richly. “I must say for your first ‘official’ day as super villain, you did exceedingly well. Not only does Potatoville finally come to pass, but both Princesses are suddenly put out of commission?”
Bad Dude pouted. “I didn’t mean to!”
Discord twirled them around a lamppost made out of giant fries. “Well, that’s not what the doctors are saying. Massive heart problems, wasn’t it? From what I understand, they have enough energy to fiddle with the sun and the moon while stuck in bed and little else. You really let them have it, didn’t you?”
“But!” Bad Dude stammered out, his voice cracking around the edges. “But… I didn’t mean to do any—”
Discord came to an abrupt halt and gripped his chest with his claws, grimacing in pain. “Now cut that out, Bad Dude! Just because my heart is smaller than most does not mean it cannot be torn asunder by your cute, adorable little ways!” He gave the colt’s head a playful pat. “Remember, boss, we’re on the same team here!” A single tear had oozed out of one of his eyes and he flicked it away with a claw. He muttered, “Great! Now you got me leaking pure nastiness again!”
They skated up another street and came to a stop in front of a potato statue in the form of a singing Discord. Out of his mouth was spewing a never-ending supply of rich, warm gravy.
Discord set Bad Dude down at the edge of the gravy fountain. “I know what’ll make you feel better!” He snapped a small container loaded with strips of potato and mounds of cheese onto his hand, then he stuck his hand under the statue’s mouth, drowning it in gravy. He handed the soaking container down to Bad Dude.
For a time, Bad Dude merely stared at it. “What is it?”
“Not sure, really,” Discord replied absently. “Some specialty from the Frozen North—potato, cheese curds, gravy. Some ponies must like it.”
Back on Discord’s shoulder, the pair made their may to the edge of Potatoville, where a large, purple castle seemed to be the only structure unaffected by the starchy makeover. During the ride over, Bad Dude tried his best to explain all that had happened inside Celestia’s study.
“Secret soup phones?” Discord raised a mischievous brow. “So that’s how they’ve been communicating so easily. It makes perfect sense! Of course it does!”
They stopped a few meters in front of the purple castle’s doors and Bad Dude leapt off Discord’s shoulder. Discord knelt down to him. “There’s just one more alicorn I’d like for you to meet, Bad Dude. She’s really friendly and super nice.”
Bad Dude stared up at him. “Another princess? Does she need to sign my villain application form too?”
Discord thought on that. “Uh… yes, of course. That’s totally why I brought you here. Villains also gotta make a name for themselves, don’t yah know? Spread as much fear as they can.”
Bad Dude nodded slowly. “I… guess that makes sense.” He hesitated, before asking, “After… do you think… do you think we could have a mashed potato ball fight? I saw some other kids doing it and it looked like a lot of fun.”
Angrily, Discord shut his eyes and grabbed at the skin above his heart again. “Stop being so cute, damn it!”
Bad Dude stared down at his hooves. “Sorry.”
Discord sighed. “That’s all right. It’s a talent, isn’t it? Here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna—” But he cut his sentence short as he noticed a bright pink mare standing beside them. Her mane and tail expanded rapidly like an inflating balloon.
When her eyes found Bad Dude’s—and most importantly, his cape—she gasped in shock.
“Pinkie…” Discord warned her calmly. “Let’s not get excited now.”
She narrowed her eyes at him. “But you forget that I’m always excited!” Before anymore could be said, she inhaled loudly and screamed, “It’s the Princess Slayer! Run for your lives! Especially Twilight! Bwahhhhh!
Like a cannonball, the pink mare retreated into the front doors of the purple castle, before every window and opening on the huge place was sealed shut by a thick wall of stainless steel.
“Hmm.” Discord scratched his chin. “Looks like they might’ve heard about you already, Bad Dude; it seems this plan of yours was doomed to fail before it even began.”
Bad Dude stomped his hooves on the ground. “This wasn’t my idea!”
“It wasn’t? You really need to start keeping me up to date on your latest schemes, then.”
Bad Dude frowned, then frowned harder when Discord pelted him in the face with a mashed potato ball.



Bad Dude arrived home a while later and hid his cape underneath a leg as he entered the shop. His dad owned a world renowned donut store in Canterlot and him and his parents lived above it. Already Bad Dude’s dad was planning on giving out free donuts to anyone whose homes were “potatofied” days prior. Bad Dude just knew he’d be the one baking with him over the weekend, having been the one that caused it all to begin with.
“Hello, Sweet Glaze,” his mother greeted him warmly. “You help clean up some of those potatoes in town?”
Bad Dude gave a weak nod, clutching his cape to his side and out of sight. “Yep. Sure did.”
“And no more super villain tomfoolery?”
He paused. “Nope.”
“Good! You got a few letters in the mail today. Even a package.” His mother giggled to herself. “Couldn’t be from that unicorn in school again, could it? The one that sent you the Hearts and Hooves day card?”
Bad Dude blushed as his mother continued to laugh. Without another word, he stormed upstairs to his room and found a half-dozen brightly colored letters on his bed as well as a small attached package. He stared at them curiously, before selecting the black envelope on top first.
He pulled the parchment out and read:
Dearest Bad Dude,
My spies in Canterlot have informed me of your absolute and total destruction of the princess sisters and I must say I am impressed. As a new villain, you must be curious about which direction to go, but have you ever thought about joining my changeling family? It’s clear that you are a force to be reckoned with and I, for one, would love to see you come aboard team Chrysalis. Why waste your time with a loon like Discord? Could he possibly match my current pay rate or exciting advancement opportunities? I think not. We’re not just a ‘team’ here in my ever expanding hive. We’re a family. And family’s what’s important here.
If you’d like to schedule a meeting to discuss things further, don’t hesitate to write.
Lots of love and kisses,
Queen Chrysalis
With jittering hooves, Bad Dude set down the letter and picked up the next one without thinking. The envelope was blood red with specks of dirt along the edges.
It read:
Bad Dude,
I hope this letter finds you well, or better than myself at the moment. The great King Sombra has taken refuge in a small cave somewhere near the edge of the Frozen North. Over the last several months, I have been returning to my former strength and now word travels through the icy winds about a colt that manages to best both alicorn princesses at once. It is something even I was not able to do during my rule.
Although I cannot offer you the title of king, have you ever thought about a life as a prince? Together, I believe we can take back the Crystal Empire and regain control of my slaves. Sick of chores around the house? Slaves make the hardest of chores a snap. And doesn’t the thought of owning an entire empire sound the least bit intriguing? Why join sides with a clown or a bug queen when you can join sides with a true king?
As a fellow cape connoisseur, I have included one of my old capes as a gift.
Looking forward to many lifetimes of cruelty together,
Yours truly, K. Sombra
With hooves shaking even worse than before, Bad Dude undid the wrapping on the small box attached to the letter and scooped out the long red cape with white-and-black trim. He rubbed his face along it for a moment. It felt soft. It also smelled of pure nastiness tears.
After opening up the remaining letters and learning of Tirek’s current visiting hours and whether he’d like to meet for tea and talk (while also mentioning that betraying Discord is a perfectly natural thing to do), Bad Dude really couldn’t stop fidgeting on his bed.
Anxious, he packed up his letters into a saddlebag and hurried down the stairs.
“Mom?” he asked innocently enough. “Can I go play with some new friends I made?”
“As long as those friends aren’t Discord,” she answered curtly from the kitchen.
“Okay. Could I invite them over for dinner if I wanted to?”
“As long as they behave themselves and wash their hooves.”
“Okay!” Bad Dude said, before bolting to the front door.
But what would Chrysalis eat? he suddenly wondered.
Then it came to him. I’ll just give her a bunch of hugs. Maybe a kiss on the cheek for dessert.
He snickered as he left the house.
“I really am good at this whole villain thing.”