//------------------------------//
// 109 - Considering 
// Story: The Silver Stars 
// by David Silver 
//------------------------------//

Silver penned softly in his journal. "I thought I lost you." He ran a hoof gently along the paper, letting out a slow sigh. "I thought I lost me..."

"Hmm?" Fast trotted over and sat down. "Oh hey! Since you're back, you'll be there in time for Night and Twilight exploding. Aren't you excited?"

Silver perked an ear at Fast, then nodded. "I want to be there, for both of them. you'll tell me when that is, right?"

"Duh."

He leaned in, touching his nose to hers before he resumed writing, scribbling in the book quietly.

Fast watched him for a time before she leaned in, looking at what he was scrawling. "We know Celestia's alright, why are you writing that?"

Silver jerked up. "Huh? Oh... Just letting my thoughts wander. A lot is very confusing right now, but I'm okay, promise."

Fast pouted a little. "Don't lie. I may not be the sharpest pony in this castle, but don't lie, please." She nipped at one of his long ears. "If you're feeling bad, just say that. It's alright."

Silver clenched his teeth a moment. "How... How is Tumble doing?"

"He's fine, why?"

"Send him in."

Fast rose up to her hooves. "You could just go up to him, you know."

"Please."

Fast nodded and turned away. "I'll find him. Just... There are so many ponies that love you, Silver. Stop moping." She closed the door behind herself, and silence returned.

She truly loves her ponies as her children. Or so he scrawled, then slowly sank to the desk. "Damn it all..." Being mopey wasn't helping. Being mopey was not helping. He forced himself to his hooves and stomped on the floor with building frustration. "Stop it!" He kicked the desk, which had no reply for him.

It was like waking from a nightmare, but normal nightmares had no power over him. He usually found them fascinating, not... that...

Maybe busying himself in other's nightmares? "I should do that." It couldn't be worse than suffering through his own. Every night... Every single one, without fail, and without pause. He awoke not only unsettled, but embarrassed. He was too old to be scared by dreams. He was too old to be scared by the phantoms in his head. He thought he was bigger than that.

"Silver?" Tumble slipped into the room, looking nervous.

Silver smiled at him, remember a time when the stallion's presence frightened him. Oh, that his worst fear be being hopped on by an amorous pony. "Tumble, we haven't touched bases. How has your training been going?"

"It's... good. Are you alright?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Tumble glanced away. "The others, they're worried for you."

"And you?"

Tumble pawed at the ground. "Ready to serve..."

"Not really an answer, is it?"

Tumble turned away, turning red, just to feel Silver's lips on his cheek. "Tumble..."

Tumble's blush magnified as he wheeled to face Silver. "W-what?"

Silver smiled gently. "I had a terrible dream, where you weren't there. But there was a bright side, at least."

"Oh?"

Silver nodded. "You were running your business, and you fought off your parents on your own. You weren't in my life... but you had made it on your own. I was so sad, but so proud..." He looked back up at Tumble. "You have so much strength in you, and I don't want you to hold it back, worrying for me."

Tumble was silent for a time, shuffling in place before he advanced. He sat on his haunches before Silver and reached one leg out, trembling, and drew Silver closer without resistance. They hugged tenderly, and words weren't required. It was broken with a question. "What happened?"

It was the one question Silver didn't want to answer, not directly. "I saw many things.  I'm sorry for being a huge downer." He smiled, forcing the expression. "Don't let me be. Drag me around if you have to. Tell the others to... I'll shake this off, I promise."

And he did. And so they did. Despite his idea, ambitious as it might have been, Silver did not recover any faster outside. Being taken to dinner or hauled to friendly gatherings did little but have him sitting mostly quietly, watching, and passively enduring. He wouldn't speak out of turn or bring up new ideas, even when he had one. Even when he tried so hard, but he couldn't quite get to it. He'd only peek from his shell in the safety of his room, in the company of those he loved alone. Even two at once would overwhelm him and he'd withdraw, against himself. If they tried to push, he would apologize to them while berating himself. They didn't like where he was going, and neither did he.

Twilight and Night were round, and needed help. Doting after them brought small moments of reprieve from his malaise, and Silver become a doting stallion when they called. This was one thing that was assuredly better than his dream, or nightmare, had been. To be there for them, to be the father of those children. Would they be the same children? Would it happen in the same order?

He was especially mindful around Night Watch, expecting her to deliver first. Every time she winced. Every time she grunted. Each little noise brought his focus on her. He rubbed her sore barrel, nuzzled into her warm belly, and brought her what she asked for when he could, which wasn't always.

Despite it being a point of joy, sometimes he just couldn't rise no matter how hard he tried. Something inside of him was busted. Some days he just wrote and wrote and wrote. He asked for a new journal to receive all these scribbles, and got to filling it, writing so much, and yet so little. Looking at magic made him angry. It was magic that let him be... so violated in such a new way.

"There has to be a reason." He clopped a hoof down on the desk. "Why doesn't she come and say why?" He wiped away tears that stained the pages and turned away from the book, gazing out at the sky instead. "She has... a kingdom to run. Relax... She'll come when she can... I can't hurry her. I'm not a whiner." He grunted with growing anger, much of it turned inwards, and returned to writing.

He heard the sound of teleportation, and turned, hoping... It was Twilight. She put a hoof on his snout before he could talk. "You're coming with me." He nodded lightly, and they both vanished.

They appeared at the crystal map. He was seated right in the middle of Equestria. The girls were gathered, looking up at him. His wives were also there, Twilight on her throne of course. Pinkie tilted her head left and right. "What's wrong with him?"

Rarity rolled a hoof, "I do believe that's what we're here to find out."

Silver frowned a little. "There's nothing wrong with me."

Applejack leaned forward on her throne. "Physically."

Fluttershy glanced away. "We shouldn't hold him here if he doesn't want to be..."

Fast slammed the ground with a loud clop. "No! Enough. This isn't you, Silver. You can't be happy with this. Tell us you're happy with this, go on."

Silver trembled as he tried to force the words out, but he wasn't happy with things. He was so unhappy... He sank to the table, tears streaming.

Night reared up with some effort in her gravid state, forehooves on the side of the table. "Silver, everyone here cares about you. You know that, right?"

"I'm sorry I'm letting you all down." He put a leg over his eyes. "I'm trying to get around it, to get past it, but it's not working. I'm so damn sorry."

Pinkie hopped up beside Silver and nuzzled him. There was something about her, some... Silver suddenly recoiled, flopping right off the table to the crystal floor in a heap. "What? I was just trying to cheer him up."

Silver gathered himself up and sat up. "It's not your fault, Pinkie. I had a nightmare about it."

"What kinda nightmare?" Pinkie leaned forward towards him.

"You..." He ran his forehooves over one another slowly, trying to figure out how to phrase it. "You were affected by a disease, and then it got me, and... we may have made a foal together."

Rarity rolled her eyes. "That sounds like the wild daydreams of the stallion named 'stud of the land' and not without reason." She leaned forward. "If Pinkie wanted you, she would just have to request formally, wouldn't she?"

Pinkie scowled at Rarity. "Don't be like that, look, he's really upset." She stood up and smiled brightly. "We're not that kind of friend, but I want us to be good friends, the normal kind. I don't need any foals right now. I can help my friends with theirs! I can help this stallion friend of mine with his problems." She reached out a leg. "Come on."

Rainbow fluttered her wings. "What happened to your 'I can beat anything I want to' attitude, huh? You're going to let a nightmare win?" She raised a brow. "I thought you were a nightmare pony, you know, like Luna? How can you be bothered by a nightmare anyway?"

Twilight held up a hoof. "Now that's not fair. Even Princess Luna, with all her years of experience, has had nightmares she couldn't control." She put a hoof over her snout. "Forget you heard that. But it's true..."

Rainbow waved it off. "Fine fine, I won't make fun of her for it."

Applejack took off her hat and held it to her chest. "Look, Silver, Do ya understand we're all here for ya?"

Silver slowly put his forehooves up on the table, then hopped up onto it. "I do. I'm so... Look, You're all great, and thank you. Thank every last one of you for being here. I'm the one not getting over this. I'm sorry." He locked eyes with Twilight. "Maybe I should talk to Luna. She has more experience than me."

As if speaking her name was a summons, there was a knocking at the front door, and Luna entered moments later, hurrying her way to the map room with her eyes on Silver. "Ah there you are." Her wings fluttering she smiled. "I was hoping you would call us soon."

Silver smiled. "Have I kept you waiting? Sorry Luna, I kept hoping I could fight this myself."

Luna spread her wings wide. "You were brave to enter this battle, but there is no shame in calling for an ally when that fails. You are surrounded by many that care for you so. I would say you are blessed." She set a hoof on her chest. "I hope I can count among them, even if I have made some mistakes before. My prince, let's talk. But first..." She turned to Twilight, Night and Fast. "Show me what he's been writing. I would see them personally." Silver tried to dissuade her, but she would not be convinced, and was soon led away by Night Watch to go see the journal.

Twilight let out a little sigh. "I'm sorry... We've all seen it. We're worried about you."

"You told her though?"

"We did." Twilight nodded slowly. "In fact, I have a letter Luna can bring back with her, to Celestia."