//------------------------------// // In Which Exploration Begins // Story: The Usurper King of Equestria // by UsurperBronyZant //------------------------------// *Location: Boundary Temple, Everfree/Badlands Border, Equus, Now…* From the outside, the place seemed like the wreck of a once-great temple complex of some sort. The remains of ancient buildings made of what looked like sandstone were scattered about. What remained of the architecture revealed just how skilled whoever had originally designed the place had been. Plants from the Everfree Forest sprouted through gaps in the sandstone, some little more than weeds, some massive trees that had to have been here for at least a century. Church, Lilium, and I took our surroundings in, suddenly realizing the scope of the task ahead of us. It suddenly seemed a lot harder. But we couldn’t give up. Someone needed our help. Or maybe that was just the music playing from Church's helmet. No matter. Realizing he was no longer needed, Argorok decided to take his leave and flew off. It was then that I realized we needed a plan. “So how do we want to do this?” I asked Church. “I see two paths we can take from here,” I said. “One seems to go to another open area,” I said, pointing to what seemed to be some sort of ruined marketplace, “And a door that goes into some building. Which should we take?” “One second,” Church said. “I'm just going to do what I always do in these situations. Delta, activate the cheat code.” “It isn't a cheat code. It is classified as Promethean vision.” “Just do it!” He said in exasperation. “Done.” Church’s visor suddenly turned red as a beam went around the room. “Ugh. No bueno.” “And?” I asked expectantly. “Dude. We are in a temple. We obviously have to go the wrong way. So let's go right.” He said as he carelessly stomped off on the ‘right’ path. “Okay, aboveground it is then,” I said as Lilium and I followed him. As we walked on, I sent out a cloaked radar pulse to see if I could find out where we were relative to Desert Gem. If the pulse was anything to go by, she was still a good ways off, and a bit below the surface, which indicate we would have to go underground at some point. However, seeing as this didn’t tell me much else, I decided to keep this to myself and simply follow Church for now. Suddenly, what appeared to be giant bugs popped out of the ground. Church reflexively activated his camouflage, severely confusing them. “Hell no. I have seen too many movies to know where this is going!” “Wait a sec,” I said, remembering what the bugs were. “These aren’t from Zelda! They’re from Metroid! Why are there things from Metroid Prime here?!” “My name is Michael J. Caboose and I hate bugs!!” The sound of repeated sniper rifle shots and H.E. rounds echoed throughout the temple. Within seconds, the Beetles were little more than grease stains. Lilium and I just stared at Church in shock. After a moment I said to him, “Uh...you do know those were just mindless mooks you could’ve killed with a couple of well-aimed magnum shots, right?” “I hate bugs,” Church said simply. “Yeah, kinda figured that one out on my own,” I said sarcastically. “Anyway, continuity errors aside, shall we go on?” “Sure. And you wouldn't blame me if you had played the Dead Space series,” He said as he trudged onward. We continued on to the next room, which was the ruined marketplace. As we came to a large, open, sandy part of the room, more Beetles popped out of the ground, which we swiftly dealt with, Lilium with her vectors, me with a few low-grade dark magic salvos, and Church with an unholy amount of high-explosive sniper rounds. “Must you be so excessive? And loud?” I asked him, a bit exasperated. “You’ve most likely alerted every living thing in this temple of our presence by now.” “And they will soon know to fear mine name! Leonard ‘Dimitri’ Church!” he exclaimed. I just facepalmed. However, I looked up when I heard the buzzing, followed by the loud insect-like chittering. “Oh goddammit,” I muttered before constructing a hard-magic shield around Lilium and myself. “It just HAD to be fucking War Wasps!” I shouted, very much annoyed. Church removed something from his back that I hadn't seen before, it looked like a magneto stick at first until he clicked it, causing it to extend into a gravity hammer. “You're going to love me,” Church muttered. “Kinky,” I said under my breath. I remained still under the barrier with Lilium, curious to see what would happen next, yet not that confident in Church’s chances of hitting these things with what was essentially a fancy mace. “Delta, enable pack-a-punch,“ he said. “That will use a lot of power to get from the warp. Are you sure?” “Do it.” The gravity hammer was suddenly engulfed in a red forerunner-looking light until it was turned completely crimson. He picked it up from the air and aimed the top at a wasp just as it began to charge at him and a beam of forerunner energy completely incinerated the wasp. “Oops?” he lied. pressive,” I muttered. “That’s pretty neat,” I said to him, “but these things will keep coming until you destroy their hives. And you can’t break the hives without some of that high-yield explosive you seem so fond of.” “Eh. I just wanted to upgrade this. That shit was expensive on my power levels.” He put the hammer back into its magneto stick form and stuck it to his back before putting his sniper rifle in his right hand and his magnum in his left. As he drew his weapons, I lowered the barrier and started shooting the wasps down with my magic. I did my best to take one wasp down for every projectile I fired, and for the most part, it worked. Lilium tried to keep her fighting style completely balanced, using her vectors to cut down any wasp that got too close for comfort while also taking down any strays when she had the chance. Suddenly, the floor Church was standing on collapsed inward due to his weight. “I'm not fat!” He screamed as he barely held on. I grabbed him with my telekinesis and tried to pull him up, but even with how much I’d practiced his armor was just too heavy. Suddenly I felt the strain on my telekinetic grip lighten considerably. I switched to my magic-augmented vision and saw Lilium lifting Church out of the hole with her vectors. In no time at all, he was back on solid ground. “I AM NOT FAT!” He yelled. “No one said you were,” I said. “I think it’s just that your armor is heavy and the stonework in the ground here has seen better days. We should tread lightly. Either that or you should find a suit made of lighter material.” “Hey I just remembered something. Are you two dating or something?” He asked shamelessly. Lilium and I looked at him, shocked that he’d just gone and asked something like that. We looked at each other, our expressions remaining the same, then back at Church. “NO!” we both shouted. “It is scientifically proven that denial isn't healthy.” Tex snarked. “Dude!” I shouted. “We may live in the same house, but we are NOT a thing!” Lilium nodded vigorously, then said, “I-I’m not quite ready for a relationship yet, and I d-don’t think I will be for a little while…” “Well at least you didn't add the ‘AND NEVER WILL BE!’ Part,” Church said with a chuckle. “Dude, just...just no,” I said, exasperated. I walked over to the hole Church had fallen through, being sure to watch my step. At the bottom of it was a rather unpleasant-looking, vile green liquid. “Ew,” I said, disgusted. “What?” Church asked until he saw it. “Huh, guava.” “I don’t think that’s any kind of fruit juice dude,” I said, still a bit grossed out by the liquid. “If anything, I think it’s heavily-polluted groundwater or something. I’m not sure; I’m getting a major Metroid Prime vibe from this place.” “Come with me if you want to live,” Church said randomly. Same Arny voice. “Sure,” I said. “Just try not to fall in a pit of deadly neurotoxic acid or whatever the hell that shit was.” “Well it wouldn't really affect me. I don't know about you though.” “Still, getting you out of it would be a pain,” I replied. “Which way now?” There were several doors in this area. The sound of a loud facepalm echoed across the room, “Did I seriously forget I had a jetpack? Are you fucking serious?!” Church screamed. “Oh yeah, and I can levitate,” I said as I suddenly remembered one of the most iconic parts of the Zant bossfight. “Fucking great job dumbass,” I said to myself mentally. “Wait a minute. Hold position.” Church said as he held up a hand. “That is an order.” He walked over to one of the paths hesitantly, “Oh shit…I remember something like this. This is going to suck.” That first bit annoyed me a little. Since when was he in charge? But what he said after made me curious. “You played Prime as well?” I asked him. “Nope. Watched YouTube gameplays. Oh and I have bad news.” “On a scale of one to boned, how bad?” I asked, somewhat dreading his answer. “Admiral Ackbar. And we have already walked straight into it.” “Boned, then,” I said, more to myself than to him. “What exactly is it?” I asked him. “I am detecting thousands of lifeforms. Mostly hostile. A few passive,” Delta informed oh-so-helpfully. “Well,” I said, “this is a temple. Regardless of the series, that’s to be expected.” Looking around a bit, I spotted a door across the plaza that was down a small flight of stairs and went into one of the slightly-less-ruined buildings. “Shall we try that one?” I asked, pointing at the door. “Did I mention some of the hostile ones were intelligent? I don't know about sentient though. And I would advise either that or the one behind you. Your death wish is your choice after all.” “Why is my logic such a fucking pessimist?” “I think it’s his job,” I replied. “Anyway, if I remember Prime well enough, we have to go through the far door before we can progress anywhere else. Shall we, then?” I asked. “Why are you asking me? I thought you didn't respect my authoritay,” He said in a racist impression. “You’ve been at this longer than I have,” I said. “I just don’t like being bossed around.” “Yeah, eleven years. But you know. And no, I was never stoned unlike those unlucky sons of bitches.” “Dafuq?” “Some displaced are imprisoned in stone for thousands of years by the princesses,” He said nonchalantly. Not for the first time today, I cringed. Then I thanked whatever deity existed in this fucked-up universe that I didn’t end up like those unlucky displaced. “Guess we’re lucky then,” I said. “However, we do have a mission to complete. Onward, then?” “You used the wrong line. Let's try that again,” He made it sound like he was clearing his throat. “Onward! To adventure!” He said in a British accent. “Umm...I wasn’t really trying to quote anything…” I said a bit awkwardly. “Let’s just go…” I said, anxious to get out of the awkward situation. “Okay fine, since you are so suicidal…” He cleared his throat again before doing something that would offend most, “ALALALALALA!” He screamed like a terrorist as he rushed down the path. I just laughed. And I didn’t stop for about a minute or so. Once I finally got ahold of myself, I followed him, still giggling, Lilium not far behind. Once we got to the door, we found Church waiting for us. “You really love terrorist humor eh?” He said in an Arabian accent. “No, not quite,” I said, struggling to regain my composure. “You just reminded me of someone from back home. I knew a guy who’d do shit like that almost on a regular basis.” “He sounds like my kind of guy,” He paused awkwardly before saying, “And now you think I am gay.” “No, not really,” I said. “Okay, I’m good, let’s go,” I said as I went through the door. “Hey Lilium? At least, that is what my HUD is displaying you as. Are you a Lilium or are you the Lilium? Heh, Pokémon. Are you a grass type Pokémon?” She just looked at him in confusion. “P...Pokémon? W-What’s that?” she asked. “I knew it! You are! That’s why you look adorable. That makes sense. Hmm…” Church hummed. “She’s a diclonius,” I said to him. “Haven’t seen any sign of anything Pokémon-like. At least, not yet.” “Hey, I just realized something. If she’s the only Pokémon of her kind does that mean she’s extinct?” I finally noticed Church sounded like Caboose. I facepalmed, then used my telekinesis to slap Church across the helmet. Hard. He went flying through the walls. Literally. “That doesn't seem physically possible!” I shouted comically. I got no response. “Oh shit,” I said under my breath. I quickly teleported to where he’d landed and looked him over. He was just repeating a sentence over and over, “I'm sorry Dave, I can't do that.” “Fuck!” I said to myself. Suddenly I remembered an odd spell I’d found stuck into the book I’d been reading earlier. It was on a loose scrap of paper, stuck in like a bookmark. It was a diagnostic spell. It would let me scan someone (or something) that wasn’t working right and let me find out what was wrong with them. Figuring this would be as good a time as any to test it, I used it on Church’s body. I immediately heard the iconic Windows XP error sound start up. And after it stopped I heard the Windows startup song before Church started getting up like nothing had happened. “Dafuq just happened?” I mumbled. “You okay dude?” I asked Church. “I think I just shit myself…” he said. “Um, how?” I asked, thoroughly confused. “Isn’t that just power armor?” Suddenly new info filled my head. The diagnostic was complete. Apparently he had Ebola. I decided not to ask. “Why are you looking at me like that?” He asked. “Oh nothing,” I said. “It’s just that apparently you have Ebola, which should be impossible, given the fact that the body in that suit kinda died due to severe burns and ingesting lethal amounts of nectar.” “I knew I shouldn't have gone to that war convention in Poraq!” Again I facepalmed. I turned to face Church and said, “Ya want that new body now? It’d be totally compatible with your AI matrices or whatever you wanna call ‘em, and more importantly, it’d be disease-free. Actually, it’d never get sick at all, at least not in this sense.” “Something tells me there is a catch.” Church deadpanned. “Well, kinda,” I said. “It’d take a lot of time and concentration to make. You and Lilium would have to cover me while I made it in case any hostiles came at us while I was conjuring it. If my concentration was broken, it’d fizzle out.” “That is not what I meant,” Church said in the same deadpan tone. “Oh, you mean like a cost?” I asked. “Oh no, nothing major. Just fill me in on any key displaced info I’m missing out on.” “No. What am I wearing right now?” “Uh...armor with a rotting corpse inside it?” I asked, confused once again. “Oh my god. Even though this doesn't apply to this in the same way, when girls said us guys were thick-skulled I didn't believe it. Apparently we are. Good job.” “Well it doesn’t help when you’re being all cryptic and vague,” I retorted. “Here, let me help. ME. NO. GO. WITHOUT. THIS. ARMOR,” He said in a mocking Jamaican accent. “What, does it have sentimental value or something?” I asked snarkily. “Dude. This is Agent Locke's armor from Halo 5: Guardians.” I was starting to understand his reasoning. “So you want to look just like your favorite sci-fi hero then? How cute,” I said mockingly. “If it really means that much to you, why not just throw it in your magic storage portal thing?” “...” Church said nothing. It was then that I realized that I was perhaps a bit harsh. “Eh, perhaps that was a bit much,” I said, quite embarrassed. “But seriously though.” “It isn't a storage portal,” Church said tersely. “It used to be the realm of the spirits of the dead. Now it’s a realm ruled by Daemons and all kinds of bad things as well as projecting more than just the angry emotions of the dead. You could torture someone eternally there. I'm not putting it there. That is where I steal from.” It was then that I realized just how powerful Church was. If he could steal from a place like that, then he was on a level way above me. “Well, how was I to know that?!” I asked. “And if you don’t want to put it there, the new body would have storage for it. You’d just have to break it down into smaller components to store it neatly.” Church fainted. From what, I didn’t know. He shot up again after a few seconds. “I'm sorry. Maybe I misheard you. One does not simply break this armor into smaller components,” he said in a tone that seemed too serious for the sentence. “Well, I didn’t mean, like, break it down into atoms or something,” I said. “Just, like, take it apart like Master Chief’s armor at the end of Halo 4.” “I don't have my… wait a minute. Why did I never think of that…that is so crazy it might work… Delta, activate MV drive and bring it here.” “Done.” A loud thud sounded as something really heavy landed above us. “I'm such a dumbass.” Church said sadly. “Let's just go before I start crying,” He said with a sniffle. Now I was even more confused than before. Now mood swings, on top of all the other already-weird symptoms? What the actual fuck was going on?? “Ooooooooookay then…” I said, very confused. A quick glance at Lilium told me she felt much the same. I heard sobbing start up from Church. “I could have done that a year ago!” he stuttered as he fired his sniper rifle at a dead end blocking the path, completely decimating it. I was very much confused, and wanted answers. “Okay dude, what the actual fuck?” I asked in a no-nonsense tone. “I forgot that I could just summon my pelican…” “You forgot that you could just summon a fucking DROPSHIP at WILL?!” I asked, astounded. “How the FUCK do you forget something like that?!” A loud, demonic roar sounded from the area Church shot up. “Oh shit,” I said, startled by the noise. “Now you’ve done it. Great job Church. Ten outta ten mate.” “Actually I think it is angry at you.” He pointed at the huge spider-like thing in the massive, dark room that used to be hidden behind a dead end. I instantly recognized it, and was quite surprised. I mean, sure it was an underwhelming boss, but it was a temple boss no less. Why was it in a miniboss area?!