Rainbow Dash sat down at a chair, eyes cast downward to conceal her shame. Scootaloo was trying to remain calm, wrenching her hands like a spring. They both had something to say to each other for very different reasons. For a nightmarish eternal second they were caught in a staring match. Who wanted to go first?
Rainbow spoke first. “I’m so sorry. I completely let you down.”
“Yes.”
Rainbow could feel her heart freezing over from the chill in Scootaloo’s eyes. “Fluttershy told me you know what happened to her. I saw her leave the school and followed her within minutes. You were gone for hours. I was so worried… I thought you would already… already… I shouldn’t have given up but I did.” Rainbow clinched her fists, angry at herself but then relaxed. “I thought you were gone so I just… I just…” Rainbow broke down crying. Sobbing, sniveling, shrieking, hands on her eyes trying to hold it in but failing. Scootaloo got up and took twelve uneasy steps to her sister. She put a hand on her shoulder. Rainbow lept for a moment, unknowing that she had been unrestrained. Her tears dried up. “I thought I was going to get punched for a second.”
“Not this time. Look. At first I was angry. Which is just stupid when you think about it. I was rescued from a suicide attempt and was mad it wasn’t you. But seeing you cry made me realize how stupid I am. You care about me so much you cried for me. I guess it can’t get any better than that. I don’t think you gave up.”
“Yes I did! I crawled up under my desk like I used to do when there was a thunderstorm when I was eight and cried.”
“Fear paralyzes us all sometimes. If I knew you, Sweetie, or Bloom were having a bad day and then I didn’t hear from you for two hours I’d do the same thing. I’d be so afraid I couldn’t move.” Scootaloo scoffed. “It happens. We can’t all be brave all the time. You’re still my sister and I’m still yours.”
Rainbow regained control of her breathing. “Thanks. I’ll be right beside you.”
“And all be there for you too.”
“Sorry I didn’t come sooner… Applejack had to talk some sense into me.”
“I can’t even blame you for that. I know what you think of bullies. Considering it’s what I think about them. And that’s the cruel irony of it.”
“Life is full of stuff like that, I think.”
“Well, you’re here now, I’m here now. I guess, in the end that’s all that matters.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
Rainbow grabbed Scootaloo in a tight hug and cried. And of course Scootaloo started crying too. They stayed like that for a few countless minutes. “As much as I’d love to keep blubbering like a baby, I got stuff to do.” Rainbow wiped her eyes.
“You don’t need to be here all the time.”
“Alright, just know that I’m worried about you. Take care, do what the doctor says. He’s a cool guy. Set a few of my bones. Anyway, I gotta go before the boss has my head.” Scootaloo chuckled and waved goodbye.
Scootaloo sat back down on the bed and opened her book to where she had left off. Not five minutes later the door opened again. Scootaloo sighed and looked, clicking the book shut with contempt. “What are you doing here again?”
“I’m just visiting a friend.” Fluttershy said. “Well that, and I’m interning under a psychiatrist and he’s working really closely with me on your case.” Fluttershy smiled innocently. She could confess murder and the jury wouldn’t find her guilty.
“Oh… well ok. You’re welcome?”
“It’s people like you and me that made me want to do this. People struggling, hurting. So perhaps I should be thanking you.”
“Alright. Have a seat I guess.” Scootaloo rolled her eyes.
“So they’ve started your meds?”
“Yeah.” Scootaloo repeated the name and dosage.
“Huh, that’s pretty light, but I can see why. You probably won’t notice it for a few days. Just keep taking it.”
“The other alternative is literal death.” The girl rolled her eyes.
“You’re chipper as always.” Fluttershy giggled, disarming a bomb Scootaloo didn’t know was in her chest.
“I try.” Scootaloo snapped, then remembered who she was talking to. Raising your voice even slightly to poor Fluttershy felt like kicking a puppy. There were more important questions to ask instead of spouting sarcastic quips. And her friends would get on to her for acting like a total bitch. She let out a breath and continued more calmly. “Do you… have a mother?”
“Well, yes. Technically speaking. I have no idea where she is. My father raised me. You should see him, he’s like six foot five and pure muscle, but so gentle. Why do you ask, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“I just… got to thinking that I don’t have any parents really. My dad is trying to communicate now but we have next to nothing in common. He still can’t quite wrap his head around my… preferences. Mom was… Evil given form. Dash’s parents are kind of absent.”
“This is what everyone in my ‘profession’ says eventually. How does it make you feel? Put it into words.”
“I don’t know… Like I’m still alone. Don’t I need parents that love me?”
“Not necessarily. You just need people that love you. I think you have a few of those.” Fluttershy smiled. Scootaloo tried to think of a way to describe it but could only come up with “melted caramel.” Sweet and gentle, but… sticky? Egh. Maybe these pain killers were getting to her.
“Yeah, but… I don’t know it feels like a giant hole in my heart or something. Like, Ok, I got the flu this summer. Apple Bloom waited on my hand and foot because she’s so motherly I guess, but it brought back memories of when mom ‘acted’ like she loved me and took care of me when I was sick. And at the time I had no idea why I was crying. Of course I was crying about a lot of stuff. It feels like I need something, and I don’t want my girlfriends to be my moms... ”
“There comes a time when all birds must leave the nest, and it can be as traumatic to the chick as well as the parent. Do the Dashes respect you?”
“Yes, I suppose.”
“Well, that’s all you really need. Respect and love. I’d go so far as to say they love you. They just parent like you might not be used to. Of course people argue over which method is best, strict or loose.” Fluttershy took a breath, waiting for a response. When she didn’t get one she continued. “Do you have an idea of what caused your depression?”
“Oh hun, I know exactly fucking what. My mother is a giant fake. She expects everything her way, and when she doesn’t get her way, she acts like she did in public. So many church meetings she tried convincing her cohorts that she was doing all she could to help my grades. Which she wasn’t. I was always the problem child. The piece that didn’t fit with them. Expectations versus reality. A walking irony.”
“You’re starting to wax poetic.”
“Sorry, you can only think about this stuff so much before you start to get a little hammy.”
“Oh I know. But go on.”
“Of course my father just let her because he was weak… I don’t think he started out weak, but she broke him down after so many years of marriage. She had him on a chain. So I was the problem child. They both um… didn’t spare the rod. I was punished, grounded constantly, I couldn’t do anything with boys within a football field. After I came out they barely let me leave the house. Fortunately, Rarity is a master manipulator.
“That she is. She can make beheading yourself seem like a good idea. Maybe even help you sharpen the axe.”
“I can’t tell if you hate her or…”
“Oh no, that’s only when she has a motive. She’s really quite nice.” The way Fluttershy said it made Scootaloo think about a distant romance that doesn’t feel the same way. Longing and warm. She decided not to press it, and instead thought back to the few times she woke up in Rarity’s house and had to share breakfast with her.
“You haven’t seen her in the morning.”
“We all have our faults. I’m a morning person, she isn’t.” Fluttershy shrugged.
“Well, that was it,” she returned to the previous subject, “I was trying to be something I wasn’t. Meet their expectations which seemed to move constantly. So eventually I just gave up and… well, the expectations kept crushing me.”
“We have a word for that. Imposter syndrome.” Fluttershy glanced at the clock. “We’re nearly out of time, I’ve gotten pretty busy. I have other people to visit and I know how cranky Rainbow gets when you interrupt her reading. Don’t answer this right away, but think on it. What do you expect of yourself?”
Scootaloo turned introspectively. “I’ll think about it. I’ll let you get going.”
“Alright, take care.” Then, almost sensing as though she wanted it, Fluttershy got up and gently kissed Scootaloo's forehead again.
The girl remained composed until the door clicked, then her head fell into her palms as she wept again. The thought of anybody older than her loving her was a foreign concept. Except Rainbow Dash, because she was awesome. She wept and felt the burden grow lighter still.
Scootaloo tried to read but found she couldn’t focus. She was never the sort to sit and do nothing. Reading wasn’t nothing, but her mind was preoccupied trying to answer the question Fluttershy gave her. What were her own expectations anyway? Be a good person. Yeah, well what the hell does that even mean? What is goodness, is there a god that defined it? If so, did she fall into that category? She already had this debate a thousand times, each one ending up on her arms. She very much wanted to throw something but couldn’t find it in her heart to damage a book that wasn’t hers. Her phone would more than likely break. So she just huffed a ragged breath.
All things considered, since she forgave Diamond Tiara, and hadn’t killed anyone, she considered herself a good person with virtues. If God felt the same way, good for him. So mission accomplished. Expectation complete, you’ve done yourself proud. But that left her feeling empty inside, the void familiar to her but now tragically uncomfortable. She dwelt there a time but found she couldn’t stay like she used to, now aware of the emptiness. She summoned for a pencil and paper and began furiously scribbling notes of whatever came to mind under observation. The nurses thought she might try to stab herself with the pencil or something. As if, it wasn’t durable enough. Then after a while she started to cross out the far out ideas and things. So she created a list of things she wanted from herself. It was a blessedly simple short list but some of the items were so girly she wanted to burn it.
Love Deeply
Stay fit
Good grades
Keep up Appearances. (This line she borrowed from a British Comedy she loved to watch; basically meaning to be social.)
Enjoy things. (Laugh).
Skate often
Play hard, work hard, play harder.
Love who you are.
“Shouldn’t have.” Not “Should have.”
Do not, under any circumstances, become your parents.
Well, she had like… three of these down. Sweetie was right, she had lost weight and muscle, so she wasn’t really fit. Enjoying things usually only lasted for a second or two. Only time would tell for number 10. She loved her girlfriends beyond measure, she skated a lot, and she had good grades. That was it. Well, what good are expectations if you already have accomplished them. Three to maintain, seven to earn. Easy. She put check marks to the ones she had. Mind at rest, she turned back to her book and lost herself in the pages.
She was visited by her friends and Fluttershy daily. The first round of meds barely worked, so they increased the dosage. She was out of commission for a week but still did her homework. She had to, for herself. She found herself staring out the window and looking at the tree just outside. It was a beautiful tree. She’d give it a hug when she got out of here. She became aware of whole blank spaces in her memory. Fluttershy explained that memory loss is a symptom of the unspeakable disease. The therapist herself couldn’t remember the first two years of high school at all. So her friends filled her in on some adventures she completely forgot about. She laughed and laughed but felt a little sad about not being able to remember. Fortunately Sweetie had been thinking ahead and took pictures of every one of their escapades and had a scrap book. They giggled as they looked at the pages and kissed and hugged and snuggled close to one another there in the cold, sterile hospital.
Finally the infection in her lungs was gone, and the medication was working. She hugged the tree on the way out then did a cartwheel. Rainbow just watched, perplexed.
“You’re doing great for eighty-percent lung capacity.”
“Yeah, well I only did one.” Scootaloo panted.
Rainbow laughed and they drove home. She visited the psychiatrist that Fluttershy was interning for sometime later in the week. Everything was fantastic. Scootaloo ate like she had five stomachs. She took up the Apple's offer to dinner and managed to impress Big Mac, the "big eater" of the family. She was practically starving all the time. She jogged and lifted and gained a couple pounds in the space of a few days. The wall she constructed to keep herself sane, but also made her crazy, had been torn down. Only… this time, revealing a mess of garbage on the other side. She had issues. It was time to deal with them.
Since it was her first date night back, they let Scootaloo pick the place. She decided to have a picnic on the very edge of Ghastly Gorge, near the place where she nearly killed herself. It was a lovely grassy clearing with evergreens and oaks starting to change a beautiful rainbow of colors. The gorge itself had an ominous quality, though equally brightly colored. More like a beautiful animal warning of its poison than a flashy display. Scootaloo admired it. At the end of the meal, she tackled Sweetie and started rolling on the grass, kissing with furious passion. Apple Bloom took this as the sign to start her own fun with Rumble, and they were quickly doing something similar. The grass on her back seemed more vibrant, the body in her hands more supple, the kisses so much more tender.
She decided to lift a prayer to God, thanking him for SSRIs.
She considered she was going mad shortly after that, considering she hated him for most of her life. If this was crazy, however, she didn’t particularly like being sane. But no. This was definitely sanity. She was crazy before. But now… Everything made sense. Well, nearly everything. She was the current queen of the universe, and she was awesome. Life was awesome.