''So, how have you been lately, Strike?'' Fluttershy asked me with a voice as gentle as the calm expression behind her eyes. Her notepad was being held in her hooves that were resting comfortably on her lap and she kept her eyes fixated onto mine from my sitting position across from her on her couch. ''No nightmares or feelings of anxiety?''
''No, nothing. I feel pretty great, in fact.'' I said with an honest smile and Fluttershy's face brightened at hearing that. Within moments, I felt her clamp herself around my barrel in a friendly embrace and her curtain of pink mane tickled my muzzle. I almost didn't realize that I was blushing.
''Oh, that's wonderful to hear!'' She said with a bright smile, pulling away and looking me in the eyes once again. ''Not even about Rem-'' She was stopped by my hoof lightly touching against her lips, disabling her from speaking that name out loud. If there was one thing I didn't want to hear, it was that.
''Don't say it, Fluttershy. Just...don't.'' I said with a deflating sigh, retracting my hoof from her lips and placing it back by my side. Fluttershy watched me with a worried expression. ''I've been fine with my anxiety in general and all, but not with...her.'' I gently rubbed my eyes with my hooves, the bandages getting a little wet from the contact. ''She's gone and I know it, but for some reason, I can't stop thinking about her. She was my fiance, Fluttershy. What was done to her was horrible and no matter how hard I may try to forget about it, I can't.''
''Hey, hey, it's alright, Strike.'' Fluttershy pulled me into a hug once more as I could feel the tears coming. ''It's okay to be upset about something like that. That's what I'm here for. You aren't a bad pony for feeling that way.'' She tried to reassure me.
''I am a bad pony, Fluttershy! I should have been there for her and she died because I wasn't! I've killed ponies! One of those ponies was one of your friend's grandma who used to babysit me years ago!''
Fluttershy pushed her hooves against my chest and pierced my eyes with an emotion I haven't seen before behind those calm eyes of hers. I couldn't speak nor could I comprehend what was happening and for once, the normally timid mare appeared to be actually kind of scary to me.
''You need to stop. Right now. You are not a bad pony and you have many friends who care about you, especially your sister and Apple Bloom and her friends.'' She said firmly, her hooves pressing surprisingly tight against my chest, the pressure nearly making me wince. ''Do you care about them?'' The question rang in my ears and took me back, my brain seeming to cease to work at hearing it.
Yes, I truly do care about them all. Those fillies look up to me and I'm pretty much an inspirational figure to them, if not, like a big brother. My sister absolutely loves me and I loved her back and so do her friends who became my friends. Well, all accept for Pinkie who hates me.
''Yes. I consider them a part of my family.'' I said quietly, my ears drooping a little.
''Then stop thinking like that!'' She said, removing her hooves and taking the pressure off of my chest. ''You aren't a murderer and you certainly aren't anything in between or anything of the kind. You're family to us and we care about you.'' She held my hooves in her own and that gentle look she gave me calmed my nerves.
I moved in and hugged her. ''Thank you, Fluttershy. It means a lot to hear that.''
''You know, there is one thing left that needs to be cleaned up.'' Fluttershy said softly and when I broke from the hug and gave her a confused look at what she meant by that, she looked into her kitchen area that was located off to the left hand side of the room and motioned with a hoof in a waving gesture as if calling somepony or something to come forward.
My heart froze and my whole body tensed and the world seemed to play in slow motion as the figure stepped out from the kitchen and came forward.
Entering the room was Pinkie Pie, a surprisingly calm smile upon her lips that caught me off guard and she gazed over at me with gentle, ice blue eyes. She came over to me and I could feel my nerves begin to tremble beneath my skin.
Beside me, Fluttershy sat close to me to the point she was physically touching me and she rested a comforting hoof on my lap, easing my shivering body.
''Hey.'' Pinkie said quietly. ''How have you been?'' She asked, moving closer towards us and taking a seat on the small armchair Fluttershy once occupied, never once taking her eyes of mine.
''Uncomfortable. So uncomfortable right now...'' I said lowly but it didn't go unheard by the observant pegasus beside me.
Nudging my shoulder with her own, she spoke softly to me. ''There's no need to feel uncomfortable. I know you wanted to do this on your own, but I thought that you'd never get it over with if you didn't do it sooner. I asked Pinkie to come along and to listen before any of this could happen, so you don't have to worry about filling her in.''
Pinkie smiled to me. This was crazy. She nor Rainbow hardly knew me until a few years ago and shortly after that, she found out that I was the reason she hasn't heard anything from her grandmother because of what I did and now she was here before me, smiling and acting calm? This was too weird, even by Pinkie's standards. I thought that she'd try to lash at me or something over knowing what happened!
''Aw, don't be like that. It couldn't be that bad that I heard all of what you were talking about with Fluttershy, can it? I mean, in a way or two it was beneficial and you don't have to explain things to me, Strikey.'' Oh, great, now she's using my old pet name. How could this get any more awkward on the already flooded scale of awkwardness?
''No, no! You know what, this is too weird! It's one thing that you know of the bad stuff I've done, but eavesdropping on the therapy sessions? This is just plain messed up! But not that long ago, you said you hated me to my sister and I heard it!'' I said, my voice shaking slightly and my nerves began to spasm weakly from the anxiety I could feel slowly building up.
Pinkie held a straight face, or at least, she was trying to. ''Strike, even I give ponies a second chance to prove themselves and that goes the same for even all you may have done in the past. I don't hate you, at all. You are a good pony, you only made some mistakes that need to be fixed so that your life can be put back on the right tracks.''
''B-But-but! Wha-you-!'' I stammered, struggling to utter a simple sentence that could express my confusion that continued to grow over Pinkie's sudden change in attitude. I took in a deep breath and held it, covering my eyes and hanging my head down, feeling the hooves of Fluttershy lightly make contact with my back.
I didn't know how to feel at this point in time and my mind was racing in pure confusion, feeling as if it was going to break down. My whole body was still tensed up to the point that it ached and my chest started to feel heavy from the trapped air circulating around within it, telling me that I should let go, but I didn't want to. Holding it in until I passed out seemed like the only easy way of getting out of this one and to keep myself from doing anything stupid.
I could hear a voice from beside me that I assumed was saying something along the lines of ''Stop it'' or ''Relax'' but to my ears, it was only received as a muffle.
Despite the numbness I was feeling from my lack of breathing mixed in with my convulsing thoughts that were rampaging throughout my brain that felt like it was going to snap, I could feel Fluttershy's well-trained hooves gently rub my back in a soothing, smooth motion and the tensed muscles beneath my fur began to slowly ease down and return to normal, calming me down and I found that my breath released in the process, leaving my lungs gasping for air and I fell forward for a moment before Fluttershy caught me and swerved my body around in alarm, posing me in a laying position on my back on her couch.
My lungs were pounding heavily and my heart rate wasn't making it any easier for me to get my breathing back under control by making it feel as though somepony is using a jackhammer to pry open my ribcage.
Through my blurred vision, I could make out the yellow figure of Fluttershy come closer and I could feel her warm breath on my face before she unexpectedly touched her lips against mine, releasing her own warm and sweet-tasting breath into my system in a share of oxygen to help get my breathing under control, igniting a small blush upon my pale blue cheeks.
When she released, I began to sputter as and sit up right as I felt my respiratory and heart rate slow down and return back to their normal paces, allowing me to calm down and regain my composure.
Blinking hard, I looked over to Fluttershy to see her looking back at me with a relief filled eye whilst the other one was hidden behind her curtain of pink mane. In her current pose, I thought she looked pretty cute.
''Oh, thank Celestia, it worked. I was worried that you were going to have a heart attack for a moment there.'' She said, sighing softly and coming closer to give me a brief hug. As for Pinkie, she shared Fluttershy's relieved but concerned expression.
''Yeah, Strike, what gives? One moment you were fine and the next you were all floppy-floosy!'' Pinkie said in a slightly deflated tone. All I could do was sigh and face her with sad eyes.
''Anxiety attacks.'' I said bluntly. ''Ever since Stockholm, I've been suffering with chronic anxiety. Specifically, panic and stress. Fluttershy's the only one who knows enough about it enough to help me through it and since I don't feel comfortable around doctors, she offered to help.'' I smiled over to her for a brief second and she returned it. ''Normally, I've been drugged up on amitriptyline and anxiolyctics to keep me in line, but it only made things worse, so in the end, I stopped taking them.'' I admitted, letting the weight of it off of my shoulders.
Pinkie frowned sympathetically and simply asked me, ''Haven't you been through enough?'' At that, my ears drooped slightly.
''I'm trying to make it right. Anxiety aside, all I want is for my mistakes to be patched and my life to be put on the right tracks again. Well, with the help of Fluttershy, of course.'' Fluttershy blushed a soft hue of pink and you smiled to her.
''You know, Strike, if you want some place to start, perhaps you'd like to help me in the kitchen tomorrow at Sugarcube Corner? We'll have the shop to ourselves since the Cakes will be out and they're taking the twins with them, so it'll be just you and me.'' Pinkie offered and my ears immediately perked up at the idea of being in the kitchen of the bakery.
It was something that I used to pay not much mind to but soon got into it with the help of Granny Pie when she babysat me when Mum and Dad were out on their nights together. Perhaps it would do me some good to get back into the swing of things. I don't even remember the last time I even baked something.
For the first time since what felt like forever, I felt a warm feeling in my chest and a smile made its way onto my lips.
''Sure thing, Pinkie. Sounds good.''