//------------------------------// // Discord's Reproduction Factory // Story: Ponyville Public Access // by Justice3442 //------------------------------// Spike licks his lips as he balances a three-tier cake with massive gems impeded in it. His eyes are wide as they drift over each inch of the cake, lingering hungrily on when they pass over a gem. “Explosives? Those would have come in handy against Chrysalis.” Spike stops as he hears Twilight’s rather odd statement from behind him. He turns, noticing the open door to what is now the ‘T.V.’ room. A rainbow of different colored lights flicker through the doorway. “Twilight?” Spike says as he steps inside. He gives his cake one last hungry glance before gently setting it down, double checking clearance with the door so it’s not destroyed in some sort of unexpected joke the universe might be having at his expense. “Are you talking to the T.V.? I thought we talked about this… specifically you telling me the ponies on the T.V. can’t talk back.” “Hi, Spike,” Twilight greets as she sits on a burnt orange-colored couch with her hooves tucked under her belly and her wings tucked against her torso. “And yes, that’s mostly true. Except for that one time with Pinkie.” “Yeah, but that was…” Spike frowns heavily and turns away. “I don’t even know what that was…” Twilight sighs heavily. “I’ve read every book here… three times!” “I didn’t actually ask why you—” “I’ve run out of things to read, Spike!” Twilight exclaims in a desperate and sad tone. “I’ve had to resort to watching T.V. to keep myself entertained.” Spike walks over to the couch and scampers up onto it next to Twilight. “I thought you said that this was your worst idea ever.” Twilight glances upward for a second, Spike can almost see the gears turning in her head. “That was probably a bit unfair,” Twilight says. “I’ve had plenty of ideas that were much worse.” “Fair ‘nuff,” Spike replies. “Hey! Maybe you can try writing Sunset Shimmer. I bet she has a friendship problem she could use help with.” Twilight let out a scoff. “When I asked, she just wrote me back saying ‘I’m fine. Why don’t you ask that Starlight Glimmer jerk if she needs any help?” “She called Starlight a ‘jerk’?” “Actually, she used a word I can’t repeat in polite conversation.” “Okay, but what about “impolite convers—” “HEY PARENTS!” Twilight and Spike jumps slightly as the T.V.’s volume suddenly shoots up. They turn to see Discord on screen, wearing a purple dress jacket over a purple flower patterned shirt. A frilly gold-colored bow-tie, tall orange top-hat, and wooden cane completes the ensemble. Twilight lets out a groan. “Oh, what now?” Discord continues, “Are you tired of your loin spawn asking annoying questions with awkward answers regarding where they came from?” “Yes!” Spike answers. “Spike! You don’t even have any children!” “What about Peewee?” “Peewee is a phoenix hatchling and already has parents.” Discord’s expression hits a sour note. “You already gave life to the obnoxious genetic copies of you and a loved one or pony you might have coupled with after a night of hitting the cider too hard! Why should you have to also explain that sweaty and fluid-filled process to them?” Twilight swallowed. “But you can’t just allow your broodlings out into the world to discover this on their own! Who knows what they’ll learn from such shady institutions such as”—Discord air-quotes—“‘school’ or strange purple unicorns on the street with biology textbooks?” “That was one time!” Twilight shouts at the screen indignantly. The camera shot suddenly widens to take in a massive whimsical-looking structure with a purple paint job. Pipes and chimneys spew out steam and smoke in front of a large animatronic display of a light-blue unicorn mare with silvery-blue hair and a red earth stallion ‘bouncing’ with the slow rhythm of a clock against her back. Despite her purple coat of hair, Twilight’s face seems to turn pale. Discord motions to the structure. “Well, drop them off at ‘Discord’s Reproduction Factory.’” He grins disconcertingly at the screen. “I’ll personally give them a lesson of a pre-lifetime! ” The scene shifts to a number of foals. Each one wide eyed, confused, and maybe a little frightened as they examine long, colorful cylindrical objects, hoof-cuffs, ropes, and every costume from sexy nurse to sexy potato modeled on an army of mannequins. Discord continues to address the screen in a bubbly tone of voice, “We start here in the Foreplay Chamber, where fillies and colts are introduced to the wonders of toys and role-play before the, hehe, big event!” “Mr. Discord, sir?” The scene pans over to a brown colt wearing a propeller beany who is currently laid down on a table, his legs splayed out via rope to the four corners. “Erm… I think I can use some help.” A trio of fillies suddenly pop up. A yellow earth pony holding a riding crop, an orange pegasus holding a whip, and a white unicorn holding a paddle. “CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS DOMINATRIXES, YAY!” “Hey you four!” Discord shouts. “Get out of Pain Land right now!” His tone shifts to a happier one. “There’s still so much more to see!” He motions for the kids to follow them. “Now let’s all hop on my boat ‘The Sperminator’!” Suddenly Discord and the children are on a boat that begins to take off towards a dark tunnel. “Now who wants to travel through the urethra? What? Really? No pony? I mean... technically you've all made the trip at least once before. Well no matter, it's not like any of you have a say in the matter.” Discord says as the shadow covers the boat and suddenly the walls along the tunnel are filled with images of white, squirmy things traveling alongside it. An earth pony colt with a white coat and brown fur lets out a terrified squeak. Discord leans his head down next to him and motions out to the things swimming alongside the boat. “You see these nasty, wriggling worm things, Pipsqueak?” “Y-Yes…” “Those are in your peanuts. Right. NOW.” “Oh no!” Pipsqueak replies as he clenches his back legs together. “Yes! And as we speak, they're multiplying into thousands, NAY, millions by the hour! And the worst thing is... you don't even feel it happening!” “NOOO!” The children scream as they are suddenly bombarded by multicolored lights and random images. After a few moments, the boat emerges into calmer waters. Shaking with eyes focused well off into the distance, the brown colt in the beanie utters, "The urethra sure had a lot more flashing lights and giant spiders than I was expecting..." “Oh, that was all metaphorical,” Discord replies. “You see, the different flashing lights represent the myriad of different ponies you can still be before conception.” “... And... and the giant spider?” “That's Jeff. He runs the projector.” Discord turns to address the group as a whole. “Once the majestic meat curtains part and we pass through the gaping maw all the mares carry between their back legs, we’ll be at our next destination!" Discord lets out a giddy squee. “Isn’t it all so magical?” The yellow filly with a red bow on her hair furrows her brow. “Gaping maw? Like, with teeth and stuff?” “Oh that? That's a whole other act with the upper lips. The lower doesn't have any teeth, sort of like your grandmother.” The orange pegasus filly chimes in. “Ew, so it's all wrinkly and wet in here!” “They prefer the term 'pruny', young'un.” Suddenly a foal sized, round, pinkish mass hit the deck of the boat with a ‘plop!’ Little more than a wriggling dome with wide blue eyes and a mouth, it smiles happily at all the children. “Hello kiddies!” Discord lets out a mirthful laugh. “Why colts and fillies, it’s Clitolina! One of our mischievous residents who loves to play hide and seak!” “Hehe, that’s right kids!” Clitolina exclaims. She jumps off the side of the boat with a wet squishy sound. “Try and find me!” “Remember, children!” Discord says with a wide smile as he leans forward on his cane. “The first one to find her G-spot gets a free gift at the end of the tour!” “What's the gift?” the white unicorn filly asks. “A big, thick whistle to blow to your heart's content!” Discord’s smile suddenly drops. “Also, we're not responsible for any misuse the whistle receives other than its intended purpose, and it absolutely will be misused!” A pink filly in a tiara turns to silver filly in glasses. “Well it’s a good thing my parents can easily afford all the therapy I’m going to need.” Hoof shaking, the silver filly hands the other one a business card. “You can talk to my therapist. Assuming we make it out of here, I’d get a hold of her quick.” The silver filly looks about the equally traumatized foals around her. “I have a feeling she’s going to be busy really soon.” The pink filly takes the card and examines it briefly. “Wait, you have a therapist?” “You’re my best friend. Of course I have a therapist.” The scene shifts once more as Discord and the children are in a large, fleshy cavern. "And this is the uterus, little fillies and foals! Does it feel nice and cozy? It should! Almost all of you has been in one! And many of you did NOT want to leave because it was so nice in here!" "Oh look, children!" Discord points to an opening above them. Slowly, a sphere descends from the opening and floats about. A unicorn colt with a black mane and tail looks up at the orb. "Whoa, that looks like a huge kickball!" “Oh, I wouldn't kick that if I were you. After all, that WAS one of you! Potentially.” Discord picks out a male unicorn with a black coat and red mane and tail. “Except you, Test Tube Timmy. You were never in a place like this.” Timmy’s lips begin to quiver. Discord saunters up to Timmy and smiles. “Well, why do you think you were named Timmy instead of something whimsical like ‘Shooting Star’ or ‘Blue Thunder’?! You're an unnatural abomination!” Discord holds out his lion paw. “Put it there, cousin.” The scene shifts yet again as the children are sitting in a starkly white room. Four pillar like light-blue legs surround them. “And this is what it was like when you were born!” Discord says, having added hip-waders to his outfit. A red substance begins to pour from above Discord and the children as the little ones begin to scream. "Oh please, this is fruit juice!" Discord says as he produces a glass, dips it into the rising fluids and brings it to his lips. Discord takes a sip. "...This is not fruit juice." The screaming only increases in volume and terror as giant depiction of a newborn foal falls towards the children, only narrowly avoiding crushing them as a fleshy tether to the foal’s stomach catches it at the last moment. Discord grins as the foal swings back and forth above everypony like a pendulum. “Now remember everypony!” Discord shouts as the red liquid flows well past his hip waders. “Once the doctors cut the umbilical cord everypony here gets a nice placenta sandwich lunch.” Spike’s claw quickly covers his mouth as his cheeks puff out. “Twilight… I-I’m not sure I’m going to eat that jewel cake… or anything ever again.” As the children make a series of disgusted and horrified sounds he turns to the camera. “Oh! And don’t forget to stop at our extensive gift shop! For shirts, snow globes, and plush version of all the characters you’ve come to intimately know and love such as Clitolina and One-eyed Pete, the snake that grows when he’s pet.” Discord is once again staining in front of the ‘factory’, the foals around him simply sit motionless, there eyes staring off somewhere  mercifully far, far away from where they’re standing. “Once again, that’s Discord’s Reproduction Factory! Conveniently located at a new train stop between Canterlot and Ponyville. Remember parents, if you don’t leave your children with me to teach them about the birds and the bees, you’ll have to do it. So why not take them down to the  factory for an experience they’ll never forget.” Discord’s smile grows wide and wicked. “Ever.”