Chapter 3: New Company
As I dusted myself off, I heard a faint whimpering. “Thalos, what the fuck? They’re dead.”
“Dude, that’s not me.”
“Well then what the hell is it?”
“Maybe it’s that thing over there?” He pointed to a small tuft of pink hair tangled in some nearby bushes.
“Thalos, you can go check it out.”
Thalos heaved a heavy sigh, trudging off towards the bedraggled pink hair.
“Jake, you might want to see this.”
“What is it now?”
“A pony.”
“wat.”
I pushed Thalos out of the way and drew back the bush, revealing a yellow, vaguely equine form.
“Thalos, explain yourself.”
“I didn’t do anything! Why do you always blame me when shit like this happens?”
“Because most of the time it is actually your fault.” I deadpanned.
“Fair enough.” said Thalos, resignedly. “So, umm, what do we do with it?”
“I have no idea, but you’re carrying it. Ever had horse steak?”
“We’re not killing it!”
“Okay, fine, whatever.”
He hefted the thing onto his shoulder.
“Which way do we go now?” Thalos asked. “You’re the one with the compass.”
“That way.” I said, pointing back towards the camp.
“Right behind you.”
We headed back towards camp, encountering no more surprises.
As we approached the camp, a wave of heat struck us.
“Luke, you’re a dead man.”
Shielding my face from the heat, I approached the burning wall. It seemed to be a trench filled with burning wood. I backed up a few steps, and leapt over it. “Such a dead man.”
“Hey, the triumphant heroes return! I was starting to think something ate you. Where’s Thalos?”
“He’s waiting on the other side of your fucking death wall.”
“Oh yeah, that. I can turn that off. Kind of. Grab that bucket, will ya?”
“Where did you get a bucket?”
“I had some spare wood from the fire pit. You were gone for a while.”
We doused the fire near Thalos, allowing him to walk in with his newfound ward.
“Before you say anything, we’re not eating it.”
“Alright, next question: What is it?”
“We’re working on that” Thalos admitted. “Some kind of horse, but a yellow and pink one. Whatever it is, it’s not normal.”
Thalos laid the pony down near the smouldering firepit.
“Thalos, ready to admit that we are not on Earth?” I asked “Because, my dear Toto, this sure ain’t Kansas anymore!”
The reference made a faint whoosh as it flew over his head.
“We weren’t in Kansas. We were in Los Alamos, right? That’s New Mexico.”
“Never you mind your pretty little head.”
Dinner was flame-grilled berries, garnished with chopped berries on a bed of berries. Yes, we’re shitty foragers. Shut up.
The smell of roasting berries roused our latest addition. It drowsily rolled over, whining cutely.
“Thalos, your pet is awake,” I said.
“I’m not a pet”
“Well what the hell are- wait, what the fuck… How am I talking to you.”
“It’s my special skill. I’m good with animals.”
“Now who’s calling who a pet.”
“Oh my. I didn’t mean to offend you. You are in the forest after all. I just thought-”
“Well, do you know what happens when you make assumptions?”
“You.. get things wrong?”
“No. Well, yes, but close enough.”
At this point Thalos and Luke were thoroughly confused. Clearly they hadn’t quite given up on making sense of this world. Not that I had, I was just saving my confusion for when I could vent it safely later. Like at the top of Mount Everest, or the Moon.
“Why were you out here in the Forest?” asked Thalos.
“I was looking for some lost children. Have you seen any?”
“Nope. Luke? Any strange technicolour mini-horses?”
“I was surrounded by fire, so no.”
“Oh yeah, that. How long did that take, anyway?”
“About four hours. There’s only so much reading one can do in a forest that seems bent on attacking you.”
“Lost children. Focus… please?” the pony… said, I guess?
“Right. What would adventuring children do in a forest like this?” I asked.
“They were looking for their Cutie Marks.”
“Their what?”
She turned to point her ass at Thalos. ‘Rude.’ She had a butterfly marking on her hindquarters.
“What am I supposed to be getting from this?” asked Thalos.
“The Cutie Mark represents your special skill, what you are best suited to do. Mine is working with animals, hence the telepathy.”
“That seems… oddly deterministic.” muttered Luke.
“Agreed. So these kids were looking for their ass tattoos in a forest. What kind of Willy Wonka parenting is this.“
“It’s worked this far. Are you going to help me or not?”
“If we help you, will you help us get out of this wilderness?”
“Even if you didn’t I would, but I would appreciate your help.”
“Alright then, miss- what’s your name?”
“Fluttershy”
‘What the fuck?’
“...Fluttershy. A deal. Now, let’s find some kids. Come along, Thalos. We need your music bug-spray. It’s too late to get back to anywhere now, miss Fluttershy, so when we find the kids we can bring them back here.”
“They’re ponies, not goats.”
“What? That’s not what I- Oh, never mind.”
With that confusion only partly clarified, we followed the pony into the Great Forest of Stupid Insanity, which is its official name until I learn the actual one.
“Do you know which direction they went?” I asked.
“I think they went this way” she pointed roughly South.
We trudged along, making some idle conversation as we walked (or cantered, in Fluttershy’s case.) I took a closer look at our new companion. She stood about waist-height, with buttery-yellow fur and a flowing pink mane . She had an equally flowing and equally pink tail. Her Cutie Mark thing was a trio of pink butterflies. She also had- wait what. Wings. A huge pair of yellow bird’s wings were folded against her back.
“Umm. You have wings.”
“Yes… You sound surprised.”
“Yes, well, where we come from horses don’t have wings. You’re a Pegasus. Mythical. Not real. Fairy-tale.” answered Luke. Thalos was gaping, shocked that he hadn’t noticed these earlier.
“Can you fly?” asked Thalos, almost unable to contain his excitement. He was like a kid who’d just been told he could have any candy in the shop.
“Yes, I can, although not very well. My friend Rainbow Dash is much better at it than I am.”
I was about to say something when we heard a screech from the deep forest, followed by a piercing howl.
“More stick wolves, great.” I muttered?
“Stick wolves? Are those small timberwolves?”
“Oh, so that’s what they’re called. Also, timberwolves, really? This world is like one bad pun.”
Thalos broke me from my rant, “Hey, Jake, focus. We have work to do.”
“Right, children to save, wolves to beat up. Hop to it.”
“WHAAAAT! NO BEATING UP WOLVES!”
“But… children? Think about the children!”
“NO! Jake, we talk to the wolves.”
“And if they say no?”
“Well then we grab the girls and run.”
“But we can beat the wolves!” Thalos whined. “It’s easy! You just take a big stick and-”
“NO. HURTING. WOLVES.”
“Alright.” we said in unison, cowed by the sudden outburst.
Fluttershy led the way into a clearing where three tiny ponies were ringed in by a pack of timberwolves. I readied a big stick just in case, then shoved Fluttershy into the clearing.
“Good luck!”
“Eep!”
The wolves turned around, facing the disturbance to their dinner.
“Hello, um, Mister Wolf, could you please, um, not eat those fillies, that is, if that’s okay with you. Please?”
I tightened my grip on the big stick ‘what the hell kind of conflict resolution is this.’
Much to my surprise, the wolves growled and backed away.
“What the fuck.” I heard Luke whisper by my side.
“Ditto.”
“That was quite impressive, Miss Fluttershy” commented a surprisingly composed Thalos.
Fluttershy was busy securing the three fillies, who seemed rather harrowed by the whole ‘almost getting eaten’ thing. I tired eavesdropping, but got nothing but an incomprehensible string of whinnies and snorts. Of course, being horses. They sounded pretty happy though. We clambered out of the shrubbery much to the terrible fright of three little children. They scrambled to put Fluttershy between them and us. I mean, we were like three times taller than they were.
“We’re not that scary, are we?” I asked.
“Well, you are rather tall. And carrying big sticks. And speaking loud gibberish.”
“Oh, if you insist.”
We dropped the sticks, figuring we shouldn’t terrify the kids any more than we had already.
“Please tell them we mean them no harm, and that we are here to help.”
Fluttershy turned to the cowering children and made some oddly human sounding whinnies. Whatever she said calmed the kids down, because they ceased their shaking and let go of each other.
“Could you three lead the way back to camp? We’ll follow behind you.”
“Alright, I can do that. Thalos, bring up the rear.”
I set our makeshift compass to guide us home. The language barrier meant that talking was a pain. I gave up after it took three minutes to get their names.
On the plus side, we knew their names. There was Sweetie Belle, who was a unicorn because well why not. She was white with a curly, two-tone mulberry and lilac mane and tail. Scootaloo was a pegasus girl, orange with a short fuschia mane. Lastly, Applebloom, a pale yellow filly without any weird shit going on. She had a wavy, cherry-red mane and tail. After that we sort of gave up because that took for-fucking-ever.
As we arrived back at camp, I asked Fluttershy to tell them not to touch our stuff. She showed them around the makeshift campsite, before we gave them, you guessed it, Berry con Carne. Once everyone was fed, we set them up in our shelters. We drew straws for first watch. I won, so I went first. The others settled down around the fire and were soon asleep.