//------------------------------// // Chapter 14: I’m… Back? // Story: Actually, I'm Dead // by Magenta Cat //------------------------------// Trixie woke up… barely. At first there was just the vague, swimming sensation of pain and the empty echo of anger. Something was hurting her and she was fighting it, but it all seemed so long ago. Her head was fuzzy, as though it were stuffed with cotton. She couldn’t focus on anything, it was all too soft, like the ground she was laying on. Some… things were starting to come back the more she lay there, but the details were still lost. She knew her name was Trixie… something… something. She was... great and powerful. No, she had the title of Greatest and Powerful. Trixie, the Great and Powerful. She heard it in a voice that must have been hers, only to have it cheered back by the crowd. Trixie the Great and Powerful. There were faces, she remembered. Six ponies -- mares -- and a dragon from before. They were laughing and jeering at her, not part of the crowd. Could they be the cause...? No, no they weren’t. Other memories, of warm smiles and warm embraces. Laughter. What were these mares to her that she remembered them over all others? Trixie couldn’t explain how she knew such things. In fact, each time she tried to remember how she knew anything, or who she was past her incomplete name, she could only see darkness and hear silence. It was like she had no real past at all. Like a new character strapped into a story where it doesn’t belong. Groaning, Trixie tried to get up only to be brought up short. She finally managed to pry her eyes open and look around herself. The outside was blurry like her thoughts felt and she had to blink her eyes repeatedly before things came into focus. She was in somepony’s bedroom, that much was clear. Looking down at her forepaws, she saw she was secured face down to the bed itself by heavy leather straps. She yanked on them but found they had little or no give, the motion only serving to jingle the heavy locks. She tried to move her back legs, only to find the same thing. This too seemed awfully familiar. When thinking about it, the image of her waking up on another bed, strapped to it in a similar way, appeared in her mind. Trixie hoped it wasn’t a habit to wake up strapped down like this. That would be a problem. In fact, just this one was a problem on itself, since Trixie couldn’t remember how she got out of the last one. This time the only thing totally free was her tail. She could slap it against the bed behind her or curl it around to her side, but it did nothing useful. It didn’t even have sufficient strength to tug at her other bonds. She tried to remember her last escape, closing her eyes and focusing, but nothing happened. It was like trying to remember a forgotten dream. Trixie grew impatient over it. Being immobile felt like being trapped and she didn’t like being trapped. A primal hate welled up within her and she thrashed against her restraints, snarling angrily and trying to pull herself free. It was all for naught, the restraints didn’t budge. It was all too much for the being that called herself Trixie. She bent her head to the nearest strap, intent on gnawing through it. She was brought up short by the feel of hard metal against her nose and chin when she had bent down. Crossing her eyes a bit allowed her to just make out the muzzle that was placed over her own. It was preventing her from getting a grip on those hated straps, it was preventing her from being free! She shook and thrashed against the restraints, her vision clouded over with anger now. A good share of time passed before Trixie could convince herself that rage wasn’t the answer. The rage wore through, and Trixie eventually calmed down and began thinking again. She tried to remember more of herself, but it was still so foggy. She got to the part where she was a unicorn, and therefore, able to use magic. Trixie tried with the muzzle, this time focusing instead of raging, but she couldn’t figure out how to even spark her horn. She tried with her claws again, trying to reach anything, but this time a thought stopped her. Trixie wasn’t sure if she was supposed to have claws. Unicorns don’t have claws and she was a unicorn. Right? But then, she couldn’t remember not having claws and she was unable to use her horn’s magic. If she was a unicorn, she should have magic. And why was there a muzzle over her snout? Maybe she was a beast that thought of itself as a pony. That would explain the straps and the muzzle. But if Trixie was an animal, then how could she remember not being one? Alas, any memory she tried to recall was all foggy, like a dream. Was she a pony dreaming of being a beast, or a beast that just awoke from the dream of being a pony? Was she both? None? Was there even a difference? What was she then? From outside the room, a sound snapped Trixie out of her thoughts. She lifted her head and looked to her left, to where the sound was coming from, and saw a black figure in the window. It was rather small, but it was restlessly attacking the window’s glass with its beak. It was a bird. Trixie remembered birds, from her time before. This one was... a raven. Yes, a raven. With the name came other memories. Ravens were tricksters. She could recall sinister stories about ravens coming to torment the living with the pain of lost loved ones. This would have unnerved Trixie if she had somepony to remember, but that wasn’t the case. Or maybe she should have somepony and she just couldn’t remember. There was so much she was missing, so much still lost. She looked at the window again, where the raven was still trying to break in. It was not having any success. Trixie noticed how each time the raven’s beak or claws touched the glass, there was a golden spark. It was as if the window was being protected from the raven by an invisible force. It didn’t seem to bother the raven who was still trying to get inside the room. Trixie wondered why an animal would be so interested in being inside with her. And why did it look so familiar? She knew there must be memories of it for her to feel like that but she struggled to find them again. It was like trying to see through a broken window into the fog. She knew there was something there, but she couldn’t reach it. Suddenly, the sound stopped. Trixie looked over again to the raven and its window. She had a bad habit of losing focus herself, of drifting off, whenever she tried to chase her memories. The raven was now sitting perched on the sill, looking into the room. She was able to lift her head enough to look it in the eye. There was that same sense of familiarity again. She felt she wasn’t looking at a stranger, but at a friend. But how could it be? If the stories she was remembering were any true, then nopony would be so familiar with a creature so dreaded? Maybe it was because Trixie was also a dreaded creature. Maybe Trixie was a dangerous beast that had to be restrained. “So… what now?” Applejack asked, almost mockingly. She was seated around the table with her six friends and two princesses, with the royal guards having taken up stations around the room. It was the first chance she had had to sit down all morning. Once they had recovered from the sight of the battered Princess Luna hauling up the body of the unconscious Trixie, things had become very chaotic very quickly. Twilight and Celestia had taken Trixie, the two instantly launching into some manner of in-depth magical discussion about what had happened to her as they took Trixie up to Twilight’s quarters. Applejack hadn’t been able to follow any of what was being said. Instead, she decided to trail Rainbow, Rarity and a trio of royal guards to inspect the basement, or rather what was left of it, for any other signs of danger. Trixie and Luna had done a remarkably thorough job trashing the place, an opinion reinforced by the high-pitched squeaking and stuttering Twilight had done upon seeing it when she came down to fetch a series of heavy restraints she said were for Trixie. After, Applejack had settled in at the table and waited for the rest to join them and find out what was going on. Luna and her medic had been the first to rejoin. The Princess of the Night was now sporting a heavily splinted wing and a wide bandage wrapped around her lower body, behind her wings. She had managed to find a tankard of cider from somewhere and was muzzle deep in it, a cross look on her face as she studiously ignored the flustered medic trailing in her wake. Twilight and Celestia returned shortly after from Twilight’s room, with Twilight looking more distressed than Applejack had seen her in a long time. “Luna.” Celestia looked at her sister worriedly. The bruises and cuts Princess Luna got from her fight were unnerving, patched though the majority of them may be. “Are you positive this is indeed Trixie, back from the dead?” “I amb, sister.” Luna tilted her head back down and pulled the latest pair of bloodied paper towels from her nose. They were added to the pile with the rest in the wastebasket beside her. She sighed and spared Celestia a glance with only one eye. Even if her wounds were going to disappear by the next nightfall, Luna still felt the pain of getting them. “Her magic, even if tainted by the darkness, can only belong to a Lulamoon.” Luna scrunched up her nose and then snorted into a fresh towel, groaning at the sharp pain doing so produced. At least the flow of blood had finally stopped, she reflected before tossing that towel into the bin as well. “Trixie is the only Lulamoon left, and the dark magic mingled with hers belongs to the Amulet. There can be no question of that.” “Ho-how is any of this possible?!” Spike tried to sound calm, he really did, but his young voice still held an unmistakable quiver to it. Fluttershy snuggled him a little closer, having taken over from Twilight when she was called away. “What is even happening?” “Now that is a more complex subject,” Luna admitted. “All we know is that the Amulet dragged Trixie back from death’s domain. How that is even possible is beyond our comprehension.” “What’s important now is Trixie,” Twilight stated. The scare of seeing Spike in danger and of Trixie turned into a monster proved to be far beyond what she could handle at first. Once Trixie had been brought back up from the basement, and she was called to Celestia’s side to assist, she had managed to regain her footing rather quickly. Celestia was her teacher and she was her student and that relationship of many years, that old feel of once more being by her mentor’s side, had served well to calm her shaken nerves. She was still certainly unsettled, but not as badly as before. “However it is, she's back now and we have to help our friend.” Everypony agreed silently with her, nodding in reassurance to each other. Princess Luna’s uninjured eyed caught her sister smiling. Princess Celestia had to make a physical effort to hold her tears of pride for her student growing up. “Easier said than done, Twi.” Applejack interjected. “Don’t get me wrong, Ah agree with ya, but Ah have my doubts on how we are supposed to help Trixie. If that even still is Trixie,” she muttered quietly. “We could, uh, try to reason with her?” Those were Fluttershy’s first words since all of this started. Like Twilight, the entire situation hit her hard. But knowing that a friend was in need was enough for her to stay focused. “I’m afraid I agree with Applejack, darling.” Rarity rubbed her neck uneasily. “Even if that’s Trixie, she barely seems to recognize us. Look at how she left Princess Luna!” Luna waved a hoof in the fashionista’s direction. “Tis but a scratch.” “We have to try, Rarity.” Twilight put both of her hooves over the table. “We have to try, for our friend.” “I didn’t say we don’t, Twi, but how are we going to do anything if she’s trying to gut us?” “I have been thinking on that as well, fair Rarity,” Princess Luna replied, “and I believe that such a fear is unfounded. What attacked me down there was the Amulet’s influence over Trixie’s body, which I managed to nullify in the end, much like my sister during her encounter with it. The Amulet is...” She was about to continue, but the explanation Celestia taught her back in the Black Room escaped her. “Sister, you’re more versed in these matters than I. Would you?” “Indeed,” said Celestia, taking the hint. “Our best conjecture is that the Amulet was overriding or overwhelming Trixie’s sense of self restraint, making her act out of instinct instead of reason.” She let the information sink in for a moment before continuing. “The collar I have affixed her with is similar to a normal unicorn restraining ring, only an order of magnitude more powerful. It was intended for only the most powerful unicorns or other creatures of unpredictable magic. It is our theory that with the collar and the ring present to disrupt virtually all magical connections, it should be enough to allow Trixie’s personality to resurface with time.” Celestia thought on how ‘Should’ was the key word. She wasn’t really comfortable with the current odds, or the impossibility of calculating them. “So, does that means we will get our non-monster Trixie back?” Pinkie Pie asked, waving her raised hoof in the air. “I mean. she looks metal and all, but I kinda miss the one we were friends with.” Everypony looked at Pinkie with surprise, but not because of her word, but because her hair was once again curled and her colors bright. They hadn’t seen her like that since Trixie’s funeral. “We can only wait for her to awake and see. From what we saw during our examination, Trixie’s entire body was rebuilt by the Amulet, using dark magic.” Celestia didn’t want to say what was next, but she felt her ponies deserved the whole truth. “Due to the damages suffered in her accident, we can’t say how much of her mind managed to survive intact and how much the Amulet had to recreate from scratch. With the collar and the restraining ring on her suppressing the Amulet’s influence, all that we can do is wait and see.” “That leaves Trixie as my responsibility.” Twilight was looking down. “She was under my care when we had the accident, after all.” “Our responsibility, darling,” said Rarity. She leaned over and embraced Twilight. “We’re all her friends and it’s our duty to help her in any way we can.” “Darn right. We’re all part of this. For better or worse, we deal with this together.” One by one, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity and Twilight put their hooves over the table together. Only one cyan hoof was missing. Twilight looked up to where Rainbow was sitting, finding out their friend wasn’t there. “Wait...” Pinkie said. “Where’s Rainbow? She’s missing this Oscar Bait moment.” Trixie and the raven were still staring at each other. Separated by the magically warded window, both of them could only watch and wait for something else to happen. A new sound interrupted their silent communication. Trixie’s ear twitched around to try and focus on it better, and she eventually had to turn her head and look away from the window to do so. Only after a moment of focusing was she able to realize it wasn’t a single sound, but three, and that they were voices. Once she managed to give them enough attention, she was able to to understand what was being said. “… Princess Celestia’s command, we can’t let you pass,” one of the voices said. That voice was deep, male. Or at least what she thought was a male one. How could she even know if she could barely remember anything? “She said to guard her,” a quite raspy voice replied. “Also, the Princess’ apprentice, humm, sent me to watch over her. Yeah.” A feeling of nostalgia hit Trixie when she heard that voice. “Also, she’s all restrained, right?” It was almost familiar. “She’s also awake. We heard her moving around a little while ago.” “Well then. That will make the, uh, observations Twilight wants me to get better. Besides, you two big, strong stallions will be here right outside the door if anything happens, right? Yeah come on, you know I’m right, guy. Now open up.” The only reply was the clinking of keys and the click of one of them entering the door’s lock. At seeing the doorknob moving, Trixie immediately felt the instinct of hiding under the bed’s sheets, but of course, the leather straps prevented from moving. The only thing she could do was beat the bed with her tail in frustration. From her forced point of view, she looked at the door opening and a cyan pegasus entering. She knew her, or at least she thought she knew her. But she couldn’t place a name to the face. “Trixie?” the mare said, looking at the pony-or-monster strapped to the bed. Trixie did recognized her from before. She felt anger at this pony, for some reason, but also fear, and regret. She knew this mare, and there was something inside Trixie’s mind that associated her with sadness. The pure visage of her rainbow mane over the blue of her coat and the bloodshot magenta of her eyes looked like the very essence of despair to Trixie. The pony of the sorrowful countenance trotted slowly towards Trixie’s bed. “Wrrr?” Trixie tried to say ‘who’, but she realized she either forgot how to do it. Maybe she never really knew. Another one for the beast theory, she thought. It worked anyways, as the pegasus froze in place and looked straight at Trixie’s face. “Trixie, are you-- can you hear to me? Can you... understand me?” Her voice was quivering, as if she was torn between choices. Probably among the lines of either staying or running away. Her uneasiness didn’t got better once Trixie raised her head to have a better look, the locks of her restraints jangling. The mare looked at her with sadness which made Trixie sad too, for some reason, and began to slowly approach her. They both stayed silent once the mare was right next to Trixie’s bed. Trixie, despite her curiosity demanding answers, didn’t know what to do. She wanted to know who was this pony and why she was familiar to her, but she didn't know the words to ask, much less how ask what she wanted to know. The mare, on her part, looked as if she was about to cry. “Trixie, I--” The mare stopped before starting. Trixie lay unmoving, not knowing how to answer. “Do you remember me? Do you know what I’m saying? Anything..?” the mare asked. Wariness told her to remain stock still, but the part that seemed to remember this pony urged movement. Trixie dipped her head once and then looked back at the mare. She didn’t know why, but it felt like the right thing to do. It seemed to work, as the pegasus seemed to relax and sat down on her haunches on the floor. “I… came here to talk, are you okay with that?” Trixie didn’t want the mare to leave, so she nodded again. “Mare... are you still a mare? I mean, you look like, well, I’m not even sure, but not like a pony, that I can tell.” At hearing this, Trixie looked at the mare’s body, and then at her own. Her tail’s pointed tip was waving around and her claws shone as knives. It confirmed to Trixie how different they were. “He-hey, sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” the mare apologized. Trixie looked back at her, realizing how much smaller the mare looked to her. “Look, that’s not why I came here. I-- Sorry, I don’t even know from where to start.” She chuckled grimly. “Can you believe it? Me, the ‘fastest flyer in Equestria’ dead in her tracks?” Trixie only tilted her head, not quite understanding what was happening. The mare got Trixie’s attention back by raising a hoof and tentatively placing it on Trixie’s withers. Trixie tensed at the contact but didn’t move otherwise. She could feel the hoof trembling. Trixie thought it was because the mare was scared. She didn’t want this mare to be scared. Yes, Trixie seemed a beast, but part of her cried out in sorrow at realizing this poor, sad mare was scared of her. She tried nodding again as that had worked before. It didn’t this time, she could still feel the mare trembling. Turning her head slowly and carefully, she bent around as much as she could and rubbed her cheek against the mare’s foreleg. She could feel the metal and leather of her muzzle pull as they slid over the mare’s smooth coat. That got a snort of laughter from the pegasus. She reached up with her other hoof, rubbing gently along the back of Trixie’s head. Neither hoof was shaking now. Rain. Another spark had blinked into being in Trixie’s mind and she remembered part of the pony’s name; Rain… something… “Trixie… I--” Rain tried to say. “If that-- If that’s really you still in there, I need you to listen to me.” Trixie looked up, at Rain’s eyes. “I don’t know what happened to you, or how much of it is my fault. I never wanted to harm anyone, but things got out of control.” Something inside Trixie’s mind started to move. She suddenly remembered exactly how she died; falling down in agony and alone. But before she could even react to that, she also remembered her last days of being alive. The fear of being trapped forever, the hope of escaping and the cruel realization she would never be free again. Trixie squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head, as if looking away from Rain would make it stop. “T-Trixie.” Once again, Rain got her attention back. She ran her hoof along Trixie’s cheek, but so lightly, as though worried about touching her again. “Please, you have to listen to me, I know you can.” Trixie opened her eyes and saw how Rain’s eyes were in tears. “Look, the truth is-- when I said I didn’t know how much of this was my fault… I lied.” Trixie felt bad for Rain. She wasn’t sure why she felt so guilty over Trixie. Maybe Rain knew what happened to her. This thought motivated Trixie to get free even more than before. “I know how much of this is my fault.” Another memory hit Trixie. This one was about dying the first time. She was like this, looking into the sad, scared eyes of a purple pony as she slipped away. The memory of the coldness she felt then sent a shiver racing through her body. “I’ve been thinking around it since you came back.” Somehow Rain’s word were triggering new images and feelings on Trixie. She could remember the moment she exchanged her soul and heart for power. “I was the one who started the fight with you.” Her mind went back to the hunger and loneliness after that first time in Ponyville. Trixie felt something warm on her cheek. Carefully, Rain’s hoof cleaned her cheek. She was crying too. Both looked at each other as another memory hit Trixie. This time, it was of Rain and her facing each other. “Trixie, if I haven’t heckled your show that first time, maybe nothing of this had to happen.” Trixie didn’t know what to do. She pieced these new memories together and realized that Rain just confessed to have ruined her life. For a moment, she felt that anger consuming her like a fire. Trixie wanted retribution and were she not tied down she would be once swipe of her claws away from having it. Even now they flexed and pulled at the blanket beneath them, eager to lash out. However, something inside her stopped her from really hating Rain. There was something else to her, to Trixie. Something was fighting the feelings of anger and fear from the inside. Trixie’s head was a mess, she didn’t know what was happening to her. She had to look away from Rain. Suddenly, like a shooting star in the blackest night, a torrent of Trixie’s memories came back. The years at the orphanage, her time at Celestia’s school after that. Her months traveling far and wide, the family she found in Neigh Orleans and the legacy that was expecting for her to claim it. The feeling of purpose while performing her shows far and wide, telling stories for cheers of the crowds and becoming a story by herself. And finally, after the tragedy hit, she also remembered the one thing that kept her sane. Trixie felt again the type of moment when she realized she wasn’t alone. “I’m sorry, Trixie. It’s all my fault and you had to pay the price.” Rain broke down in tears, burying her head in her hooves and crying into the bed. It was too much for Trixie, she had to get out of those restraints. Almost as soon as the desire to be free came to her, so did the memories and knowledge of how to do it. Trixie twisted her body up and around, pulling at the restraints as much as she could. Her tail was just long enough to reach her head. A few seconds of probing and she had found the lock that secured it. The hardened tip of her tail fit just inside and she quickly probed over the lock’s teeth. It popped with almost no effort and she was able to pull the hated muzzle from her head. She tossed it to the bed behind her and then turned down to the weeping pegasus at her side. Despite what she had just had to do, Rain hadn’t noticed. She still had her head buried in her own hooves next to her. Trixie’s heart ached at the sight, and she once more felt the overwhelming need to comfort Rain… Bow… Dash. Her name was Rainbow Dash and she was her friend! She leaned over, her friend just within reach. Trixie ran her muzzle over Dash’s multi-colored mane, resting her cheek against Rainbow’s ear. Rainbow jerked back in surprise at the unexpected contact. The fear in her eyes vanished almost instantly after they locked with Trixie’s. Rainbow knew this was Trixie who was in front of her, and that she would never hurt her. Not even for the revenge Dash felt she owed to her. “Trixie,” Dash leaned in and wrapped her forelegs around Trixie’s neck in the hug that her friend couldn’t give her. “I-- I don’t even know if it counts or not…” She got silent. Trixie just closed her eyes and nuzzled at the pegasus’ flyaway mane. It was the right thing to do. She knew it. “If it’s in you to forgive me, then you're the better mare here,” Rainbow finally managed. Once again, Rainbow Dash broke down, but not in tears. She broke the hug and slumped back, avoiding Trixie’s gaze at all costs, and bowed to the ground, in shame for her mistake. Trixie wanted to say something, anything to her friend. She opened her mouth and desperately tried to remember. “Rrrnnbow Dasshh,” Trixie managed to vocalize with some effort. Dash looked up, relief washing over her at the words. “Trrrxxxie frrrrgives you.”