My privacy has always been something that I cherished most.
When I'm in my own little world, there's nopony to judge me or for me to displease. There's just the harmless, welcoming, and secure company of myself.
To say the least, I've been going through some things lately. I don't really know how to describe it, but it goes along the lines of me looking at how much I've matured. The thing is, I'm unsure as to whether I like who I've become or not.
I suppose that I should start off by talking about my blossoming friendships from this past year.
To be clear, I have absolutely nothing against my small group of friends. I love each of them to death, and I don't need to doubt that the feelings are mutual. They always come through. Although they do have their differences, they each bring something unique to the table that I can learn from. If it weren't for Rarity, I'd have a much weaker sense of fashion and a less keen eye for life's little things. If it weren't for Applejack, I'd likely have a less appreciation of farm life and a much lazier work ethic. The best part about being in such a diverse group of friends, I've realized, is that I get to bring my own personality and uniqueness to the table for them to enjoy and learn from, just as I do theirs. I feel no need to put on any sort of mask around them because I feel that my friends love me for who I am, and because of this I can see my kind and gentle spirit rubbing off on them.
They're great, to say the least. I've never felt so welcome around a group of ponies. And because my friends help me combat my shy nature, I've been able to experience things I never thought I ever would. I look forward to waking up everyday now because I know that there's always going to be something new I can do or somepony new I can talk to.
I feel blessed to have such loyal friends. Sometimes, I can't even believe some of the new friends I've been making. If I had been told a year ago that an ungodly being of chaos that was at the cusps of taking over the world was now looking forward to having weekly tea parties with me, I would have thought that was ludicrous. If I was also told a year ago that the same ungodly being of chaos would get so jealous of me that he'd try banishing my friends to other dimensions, I would have scoffed. And even now, I'm still having trouble believing any of this. But I know that Discord has changed his ways and is willing to make friends, but he hasn't a clue on how to make any. I'm honored to be the one pony that he can trust when it comes to anything, the one pony that he is most comfortable talking to. Like me, Discord is also just discovering the wonders of friendship. I get such a sense of pride when I see my other friends warming up to him. It shows how far he's come in his struggle to be accepted, and I can relate plenty to that.
He brings such uniqueness to the table. I can see him learning from my sense of right and wrong, but that's not stopping him from flaunting his undying love of jokes. I find his sense of humor particularly humorous. My dinner with him, Tree Hugger, and the Smooze is one of my most treasured nights. They all followed through with my dinner idea from the gala, and I enjoyed every second of experiencing everypony's unique personalities (though, I admit, the Smooze isn't much of a conversationalist). That night when I got home, I hardly slept because of how giddy I was. With these dinner friends and my main group, I realized that I was not just accepted by others, but I was truly loved by others. A year ago, I never thought I'd ever make even one friend. I have definitely come a long way since then.
For once in my life, it seemed like everything was going right for me.
That is, until the Pies showed up.
Pinkie Pie had been building me and my friends up with such anticipation for her family's visit to Ponyville that we were just as excited as she was. The date finally rolled around a few months later, and my friends and I got to meet her family through a welcome party at where else but Sugarcube Corner. It was a very pleasant meeting, and I am ever so glad to know that Pinkie Pie was raised by such a sweet family. But I believe it was later on in the party during small talk with Rainbow, Rarity, and Limestone that I saw a gray shadow in the corner of my eye. Pinkie's sister, Marble Pie, was standing off by herself, secluded from any conversation or anypony else's company. Her expression was rather content, and she seemed to be examining the shop's ceiling to pass the time while clutching her left forearm with her right hoof. She was in her own little world ; her privacy. Her expression was all too familiar to me. I felt almost a sense of déjà vu upon seeing her. It touched me. I was in the same position as her not too long ago, after all. Not wanting to let her just stand there alone, I left my conversation to introduce myself.
I put on my warmest smile as I went up to her. She seemed to have noticed me as I was walking over. Once we made eye contact, she immediately tensed up and clutched her forearm tighter.
"Hello there!", I said with an upbeat yet warm voice, "Welcome to Ponyville! I'm Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie's friend, and I'm so glad to meet you!"
Marble sheepishly blushed and uncomfortably grinned. She seemed to be using her mane as some kind of invisibility cloak.
She gave me such a weird little feeling. She uncannily resembled my old self, from before I had any of my friends. I actually got a little excited upon seeing this. I figured that if I was able to break out of my shell so well this past year, then I could help her do it, too.
"What's your name?", I followed up. Although I knew her name already, I figured asking her might get her to at least say something.
Her eyes uncomfortably studied the floor, and she was clearly reluctant to respond. Her reply was an incomprehensible whimper. "I-I'm Marbl…", she uncomfortably whispered.
"I'm sorry, what was that?"
She whispered the same thing, even more uncomfortably.
"Didn't quite catch that."
Her next response was nothing more than a squeak. She hid further behind her mane.
I lifted a hoof to respond, but I found myself simply dumbfounded. I didn't have much of an idea on what I should or could say. I've gone through this uncomfortable conversation, but this time the tables were turned.
A strange feeling started to come over me, but I couldn't quite figure out what it was at the time. I couldn't just ignore Marble, though. I carried on our little conversation, hoping to break the ice a bit. I kept a warm smile on and tried speaking in the same welcoming tone.
"So, um, Marble, have you tried your sister's cupcakes yet?" I pointed over to the array of cupcakes baked fresh for the occasion.
She ever so slightly nodded. "Mm-hm."
"Oh, she has such a talent at baking, doesn't she? My favorite flavor of hers is her cookies-and-cream. It's just so rich! How about you? I bet she's been baking for you and the family for years! What's your favorite flavor?"
She shrugged.
"Oh. Um, you haven't decided yet, I guess. Oh, there's just so many flavors to choose from, so it's probably a bit overwhelming, I suppose, um, I'm sorry."
I wasn't sure where else to take the conversation from there.
"Well, then, if your sister likes to bake so much, then what do you do for fun?"
She shrugged again.
"O-oh. Well, um…" I was having a hard time coming up with other things to ask. She was just too hard to get through. Was it something I said? The way I was standing? The way my mane was done? I thought that talking to a shy pony like her would be like talking to myself. I had no clue why she was finding it so hard to talk to me if it was so easy for me to talk to her.
In situations like this, I like to mentally put myself in the other pony's shoes. This way, I can figure out where they're coming from and then work around that. Putting myself in Marble's shoes would be easy because her shyness was familiar to me. I thought to myself that if I were Marble Pie right then, I would have been very intimidated and frightened by this yellow pegasus stranger asking me all these questions and making me uncomfortable when I just want to be away in my own little world.
And that's when it hit me.
Talking to Marble Pie wouldn't be like talking to myself at all. I have changed so much because of my friends that I'm practically an entire different pony than I used to be.
I never thought I'd see the day that I'd be the one who intimidates other ponies by being social. It had always been the other way around.
Dozens of memories of myself in Marble's position surged through my mind as the two of us just both stood uncomfortably. I felt as if the strong, confident mare that I had become just downgraded back into the pathetic doormat I was before I made any friends.
All of a sudden, I felt so out of place. For the first time in what felt like an eternity, I instinctively hid behind my mane and clutched my forearm just as Marble had. My eyes darted to the floor below as the passing seconds made me feel more and more uncomfortable.
There was something quite charming about Marble's shyness. Something nostalgic, even. Now, I've physically put myself in her shoes. I felt just as uncomfortable as she was.
I felt so weird. Just looking at the ponies in the room around me made me feel super intimidated, just as they did before I became friends with them, almost as if they were strangers. Twilight, Pinkie, Rarity… intimidating? I felt terrible for feeling this way about them. These are my friends! I've had so many splendid memories with them. Yet, suddenly I felt so… insignificant around them.
What would the old me think of the new me? Would she be too intimidated to speak to me, too, like Marble was? Would she find me too scary to approach? A sickening feeling overcame me as I realized I've become somepony that the old me would steer clear of.
I felt horribly out of place standing around at this party. My heart was racing, but I tried my best not to show it. I wanted nothing more than to be alone, in my own little world once more. In my closet. With my teddy bear.
I didn't have it in me to excuse myself from the party, however. That would have been rather rude. But I did have it in me to turn down a sleepover invitation that night. It would have been me and all the girls, but there was no way I could show my face around them. Once the party ended, I bid my farewells to the Pies. Marble and I sort of just made eye contact and sheepishly nodded farewell. But my main focus, of course, was to return to my privacy.
That night, I took a walk.
After stopping at home to put on my favorite sweater, I took off. I slowly strolled my way down the streets without another pony in sight. The streets were mine. As I passed each home of somepony I knew, I reflected on him or her and wished them well. I passed through so many squares and landmarks that I have so many memories associated with, and I recollected on good times had there. As my five friends were all at Twilight's castle likely having a great time at their sleepover, friend number six was out in her own little world once more.
After a while, I found myself sitting on a hillside, taking in the view of town just below. I know Ponyville like the back of my hoof from all my walks, and I was easily able to identify each location in town from my vantage point. It's fascinating how everything seemingly turns blue the further away you get from it all. At night, everything around you is dimmed blue. It makes me feel so much more distant, and that makes me comfortable. The night was gorgeous. The warmth of my sweater and long mane were a perfect contrast for the breeze brushing through. My heart wasn't going berserk like it was at the party with Marble. In fact, it felt calmer and warmer than it had in a while. A gentle smile crept on my face. The best part was that nopony was there with me. Just me by myself, shamelessly being me. Nopony I needed to keep company, nopony I needed to impress. No worries about disappointing anypony. No worries about disappointing myself. This is what my own little world is all about. Sitting under the stars and appreciating the serene beauty that takes over the land in these late hours. Isn't that what Princess Luna wants us to do, after all?
I used to take long walks a lot more often. Since I had no friends to get to know, I would get to know my neighborhood's paths. By day, I was spending time with my animals. My night, I was walking in my own little world. Getting to know the neighborhood's paths turned into getting to know the whole town's paths, and that turned into memorizing the surrounding landscape (except the Everfree Forest, but even some days I'd explore that for a bit). I'll never forget those nights when I was all by myself. Exploring my surroundings gave me a sense of security. Of course, I had my animal friends back at home, but I even needed a break from them every now and then in fear of disappointing them. I know that sounds pathetic, but one thing I've learned throughout the years is that you overthink everything if you're an introverted pony like me. But I don't mind it much. I actually find it quite appealing.
I have always known myself as an introverted pony by nature, and if you ask anypony that knows me, they'd probably describe me the same way. But given how social I've been this past year, I fear that I may be going in the wrong direction. I saw how intimidated Marble Pie was of me, and I know that I won't get that out of my mind for awhile. I know that I have the kindest and most loyal friends in the whole world, but a part of me wonders of I even deserve them. I don't know if I want to constantly be loved. I don't know if I want others to get super jealous over me. I don't mean to sound like a jerk or anything and I'm saying this in the nicest of ways, but I prefer being by myself often times. I guess I was so caught up in getting to know others that I forgot about that side of me.
The following days consisted of me being locked up in the little cottage, spending the long hours of the day tending to my little friends and then taking a walk in the evenings. It was a rather nice lifestyle that I had missed, but I did still feel tense. Although my little animals were there to keep me company with their undying love for me, I still felt a little bit pressured around them, as if they were other ponies. But being in the cottage all alone without any plans except for evening walks made me feel great.
Days of this routine turned to weeks.
Around halfway through the second week, the novelty of acting like the old me started to wear off. I looked at a framed picture of me and my friends, and seeing each of their faces it made me feel empty inside. I missed them.
However, I was still reluctant to leave the cottage. I do tend to be stubborn when it comes to this sort of thing, but I still wasn't quite sure what I should be thinking about this. My nightly walks were still very nice, but by Thursday, I had taken nearly every route around town that I know. I had passed Sugarcube Corner that night, and just looking at the shop made me miss Pinkie Pie more than ever. I felt similar feelings whenever I'd pass the castle, Sweet Apple Acres, Rainbow Dash's cloud home, or Carousel Boutique.
I couldn't just completely forget about the girls, but the prospect of seeing them in person intimidated me to no end. It had been a week and a half since the party, and I still couldn't bring myself to accept the new me.
The following week, Twilight Sparkle visited.
All the hairs on my body stood up as I heard knocking on my door. Seeing her familiar dark blue mane and horn through the little window made every part of me tense up. I should have known this would happen. If any of my friends are experts on keeping us in check, it's Twilight. She follows through on just about everything, and I can always rely on her. I couldn't just leave her at the door, though. I worked up the courage to open up.
"Heya, Fluttershy!", she gleefully said as he hugged me in the doorway.
I still felt a bit tense, but as she hugged me, a bit of it went away. It was kind of nice to be hugged by somepony else.
"Oh, hello Twilight.", I softly responded.
Twilight and I separated as she smiled at me. "How're you doing, 'Shy?", she asked.
"Oh, just wonderful, Twilight.", I said as I let her in. "And you?"
"Fine, just fine. Well, busy, heh, you know me, Princess of Friendship and all!", she replied with a dorky giggle. Gotta love good ol' Twilight. I missed her. Just talking with her made some more of my tensions vanish. We sat down in my living room, and she seemed eager to talk to me.
"Fluttershy, it's been so long!", she warmly said. "The girls and I have been wondering what you've been up to these past few weeks."
Immediately, I tensed up again. The idea of my friends talking about me behind my back reminded me as to why I'm so scared of others in the first place.
"Oh, um, r-really?", I stuttered.
"Uh, yeah! You kinda seemed to just disappear after we saw you at that Pie family party. We realized that we haven't heard from you in a while."
Suddenly, having Twilight in my house made me really uncomfortable. I wasn't ready to socialize with others yet. I had to respond, though. "Oh, you know, I'm just helping my little animals friends. The, um, the newborns haven't adjusted to the fall weather, and they need me.", I fibbed. I had a feeling that Twilight could see right through me.
"Can I get you anything?", I quickly changed the subject.
"Thanks, Fluttershy, you're too kind. Well, I did skip breakfast… again… I guess a cup of coffee with cream will do."
"Oh, I'm sorry Twilight, I'm out of coffee… and cream." How could I have forgotten? I had run out just last week.
"Oh, whoops. Have any tea? You always have tea, 'Shy."
I ran out of tea two days prior. "Oh, and, um, I'm out of tea, too."
"Out of tea? Just out of curiosity, what do you have in the kitchen?"
I rose a hoof to speak, but I had to stop myself. I was running low on or was already out of just about everything in the kitchen (and of things to say to Twilight).
Twilight looked concerned. "Fluttershy…" she started, "When was the last time you went shopping for food?"
My eyes shamefully went to the floor. "F-f-five weeks ago.", I said under my breath.
Twilight's eyes widened. "Five weeks? Fluttershy, that's over a month ago, that's unhealthy!" She seemed to catch on to my discomforted demeanor, and there was no way I could stop her. "Fluttershy… have you been hiding away or something? We haven't seen you, you haven't gone food shopping, I mean, is there something I should know of? I'd like to help."
She knew. She knew everything. What else would I expect from the princess of friendship? But I couldn't really get out of this. This could be the moment. This could be when I tell her why I've been so antisocial lately and have been locked up, and then she'd console me as I start crying and tell me it'll all be okay and that it's good to express myself. This could be it, only if I tell her the truth. But what if she thinks I'm taking it too far? What if she thinks I'm so pathetic that she'll awkwardly make her leave? What if she gets mad at me for being so antisocial? Here I am with overthinking everything, again.
"No reason, I guess. Just helping the animals around. You know how they are.", I fibbed again.
Twilight seemed a bit disappointed in my response, but we carried on in conversation until she left about an hour or so later. I felt a bit relieved that Twilight was gone. I was back to my daily routine of my own little world. Take care of animals, go for an evening walk, sleep, repeat.
I was pathetic. Honestly I didn't want to think it at the time, but since Twilight left the cottage, I've been feeling even more insignificant than I ever had before. My evening walks started to lose their pizzazz. I started going to bed each night feeling even more and more unloved.
Five full weeks had gone by, with Twilight being the only pony I interacted with.
I had never felt so lonely and empty inside. I wanted to go out and see my friends, nay, I needed to. But I still couldn't work up the courage to go back out as the mature social pony I had become. I was too intimidated by my friends then, but now even more. They all probably think I'm pathetic. I felt that I should never have locked myself up to begin with. But then I would just have to be uncomfortable with and around my friends.
I no longer woke up eager every morning. There was nothing to look forward to but the same old thing. Helping my animals, sitting around, reading the same books for the fiftieth time, and taking the same old evening walk.
That's when I realized that my shy nature is just a part of who I am, but I need a proper social life to balance this out. All I needed was an extra push to get me out and meet up with my friends.
That extra push came in the form of a flashing cutie mark on my flank one evening.
I knew, of course, that this meant I needed to get to Twilight's map as quickly as possible to solve a friendship problem somewhere. A part of me was excited; I had a viable excuse to get out of the house. Another side of me was dreading what was to come. I'd have to spend time in the company of others, namely, friends who I've kind of given the cold shoulder towards. That was all I could think about as I hurried along to Twilight's castle.
To my surprise and relief, I was the only pony in the whole castle. Even doing a quick fly through, I wasn't able to find anypony else. But I couldn't keep procrastinating. A friendship problem was aloof, and I was chosen to solve it. I entered the majestic throne room and was immediately taken aback by its splendor. This was my first time in there in over a month, and I completely forgot how beautiful the room is. With the sun shining in and reflecting all around the crystal walls to the crystal thrones, it was a gorgeous sight. What stood out to me most, though, was the chandelier, made of the trunk of the old Golden Oak Library. Hung on the roots were gemstones representing the most fun, crazy, enjoyable, and touching memories of my life. How could I have completely forgotten about it? So many of the gemstones on the chandelier wouldn't even be there if it weren't for me. For the first time in five weeks, I genuinely smiled and blushed. I mean a lot to this group of five girls.
As caught up as I was with this, I had to return my focus to the friendship problem aloof. I had to look closely to see what far off place the map was summoning me to this time.
"Let's see, the map is telling me to go to… Ponyville Park?"
Ponyville Park? That's just down the trail! What friendship problem would I possibly be needed to solve within Ponyville?
When I got to the park, it instantly became clear that the friendship problem the map wanted me to solve was my own friendship problem.
It was relatively late when I was summoned, so the park was practically empty, all except for a my little group of friends having a dinner picnic.
They all seemed to notice me at the same time. At the moment that they recognized me, their faces lit up, more lit up than I ever remember them being.
"Fluttershy!", they all exclaimed at once. They practically raced to come over and give me a group hug while all greeting me as if it had been years since we last saw each other. I've been around enough ponies to know as to whether they're being genuine or fake. And this welcoming, I could tell, was one-hundred percent genuine. The group hug was such a warm embrace. I was immediately overcome with such relief and warmness as I hugged them all back. I started laughing to myself. It was a relieving, well overdue, and uncontrollable giggle. How could I be intimidated by these ponies? They're the best ponies in all of Equestria, and they love me to death!
"Girls! Girls! Oh, gosh, I've missed you all so much!"
The girls excitingly replied indiscriminately.
"Flutters, we've missed you so much!"
"It hasn't been the same around here without you!"
"Oh, we love you, Fluttershy!"
I'm such a softy, I couldn't help myself. Of course I started weeping. Hard.
What followed was what I consider the best night of my young life. After a much deserved tear session and sharing of feelings, my friends and I were all caught up. They were all deeply saddened upon hearing how intimidated I've been feeling about everything. I was reassured by all of them that I shouldn't be scared of talking to them or others because they will always look up to me as I do to them. I thought I wouldn't be able to even speak to them ever again, but that night, I felt more loved than I had in such a long time. I apologized for giving them the cold shoulder and they warmly forgave me. They said it's good for an introverted pony like me to take a break every now and then if I needed too, but five weeks is way too long.
The highlight of the whole night for me was when Pinkie Pie shared that her sister Marble had told her that I was extremely nice to her at the party and that she wants to meet me again. That really touched my heart. It reassured me that the new me would indeed be a welcoming pony for the old me.
There's no better feeling in the world than feeling loved and looked up to by those who care about you. Sure, it was nice being a shy pony, but being the new social pony I am makes me even more welcoming. By the end of the night, my cutie mark was flashing again, signaling a job well done. My friendship problem, everything I've been so confused about lately, was finally solved. I fell in love with my friends all over again that night.
But that's not going to stop me from returning to my own little world. As much fun as I have being social with my friends, I still need to stop for a breather every now and then. I'm just naturally an introverted pony, and there's nothing I can change about that. But I'm not going to go and lock myself in the house for another month, that'd be pathetic. But a day or two wouldn't be a bad idea. I love my friends very much, and I'm glad that I have my own little world to turn to if I ever need time to reflect to be the best pony I can be.