Chapter Ten: The Emperor Really Hates Tau
“Alright I'm back. What happened?” The Emperor asked, returning from the Warp.
“Well, nothing much really. Those disturbing equines tried to get in again, but I put up a force field only allowing me, you, Twilight, and maybe the princesses to enter. How was the poker game?” Magnus answered, shifting through one of his books on Equestrian History.
“The game was shit. Tzeentch cheated. Enough said.” The Emperor snarled, before noticing a small paper on the floor. “What is that?” He asked. Magnus picked it up, opening it and reading it.
“Looks like a question we missed. Let's see here…
‘Dear Emperor,
You will be glad to know that the TAU are still a threat and will be visiting soon also don't insult us...( we were going to get you off the throne and into a mech suit but then you would act like a chaos God after learning that you were visiting and that would not help the "greater good".)
we are also Glad to inform you that we saved a human behind the scenes, he goes by a mister "HORUS" I believe you know him?
he will also be joining us on the visit.
And finally what is your favorite faction, and vehicle?
Signed, Shadow lord.’” Magnus read, glancing up at The Emperor when he finished.
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All across the planet, from the northernmost country to the south, earthquakes shook the land, destroying countless cities and homes. Many lives were lost, and new continents formed. Volcanoes long dormant erupted, spewing magma into the sky, ash clouds covering nearby cities. In the Griffon Kingdom, the city of Griffinstone shook, before collapsing, falling down the mountain it was perched upon. In the North, the land of the Yaks cracked and splintered, mountains collapsing around their villages, while the ice below broke apart.
In Manehattan, the massive skyscrapers collapsed, crushing ponies underneath tons of rubble. A tidal wave rushed through the city, sweeping up the citizens in its destructive path.
Within the Everfree Forest, the animals cowered in fear from the sudden earthquakes, Ursa Majors huddling together in their caves, while Timberwolves pranced about, panicking. The Cockatrices squaked about, turning many residents to stone.
Across the universe, however, Warp Storms erupted everywhere, plaguing planets with Daemons and many more horrors for years to come. The Imperium would eventually call it the Second Age of Strife.
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“Are you done, Father?” Magnus asked.
“Yes. I am done with my initial rage.” The Emperor snarled, his eye sockets blazing in fury. His entire skeleton glowed with rage. “Now it's time for my second phase.”
“What in Celestia's name was that?! I know you had something to do with it Emperor!” Twilight growled, walking into the room.
“Those motherfucking, headfucking, preaching, dirty, dishonest, dishonorable, cocksucking TAU!” The Emperor snarled, his actual voice echoing from his mind and into the real world. Twilight backed up, shocked at the voice slamming into her mind. “If they take ONE ME-DAMND STEP towards this planet I will personally get out of this fucking throne, use Magnus as a temporary body, and kill every last one of them! THEY DARE TO BRINGING BACK THAT BACKSTABBING LITTLE PRICK HORUS, ALONG WITH THEIR IGNORANT, FILTHY RELIGION AND COWARDLY MECHS?! I WILL GIVE THEIR SOULS TO THAT WHORE SLAANESH JUST TO WATCH THEM SQUIRM!” The Emperor raged, the room shaking.
“What's a ‘Tau’?” Twilight asked after surviving the energy blazing from the Emperor.
“The Tau are a disgrace to the universe, and should be eradicated. They preach about their ‘Greater Good’ while actually brainwashing their citizens. And the worst part, the one thing I despise the most about them, is that not only are they fucking xenos kidnapping humans and other xenos, but they don't even engage in glorious hand to hand combat! Instead, they hide within their mechs and shoot from a distance. What's worse is that they use another xenos species to fight in melee for them! Why make a giant robot if not to at least punch someone with it? Or use a sword and slice a tank in half?” The Emperor growled, listing off all of the things he disliked about Tau. “But now, they even have the audacity to bring back that fucking traitorous prick of a son Horus back from nonexistence just to piss me off!”
“Well, I can see your anger is great, so I'm just gonna...go now…..” Twilight replied sheepishly, before running back out the door.
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Meanwhile…..
“My brothers and sisters! These disasters happening across the world are not natural! They are the works of this ‘Emperor’ who dares to say that the Goddess is false! This is an outrage, and a crime that must be righted!” Fleur-de-lis declared to the group assembled before her. At least fifty ponies, plus some griffons, minotaurs, and other species had gathered during the massive earthquake. Canterlot had remained where it was due to the holy magic protecting the city.
“We shall March unto Canterlot Castle, and return with the ‘Emperor's’ head!” She said, earning many cheers from the assembled group before her.
“DEATH TO THE EMPEROR! LONG LIVE THE GODDESS CELESTIA!” They roared, charging out the door. Fleur-de-lis followed, grabbing a sword in her magic.
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“Okay, I'm calmer now.” The Emperor stated after two hours of unending rants and curses towards the Tau and Horus. Mostly Horus.
“It's about time Father.” Magnus grumbled, tired of hearing The Emperor's ranting.
“Bring down the barrier surrounding the room, and go get Celestia and Luna. Maybe Purple too. I need to have a talk with them.” The Emperor ordered. Magnus sighed before doing as he said. The Emperor pulled out the question box to busy himself. How? With his OP-PLS-NERF powers, of course.
“Let's see what the Equestrians have to ask….
Holy Celestia fuck!! A workin termial. An Is got a fuck ton-o logs . . . huh, lets see.
Dear Mr. Deadfucker Goldtoilet,
The equestria wasteland is fuckin shit, make it better you shit lord. Also, I want a fuck-ton of jet.
Sincerely, Mauler the Raider
p.s. YOU AIN'T GOT NO DICK!!.” The Emperor read. “Firstly, go fuck yourself I do what I want. And if your homeland is shit, then go fix it yourself. Or else I'm coming to your house, burning your house, find you, and send your ass to the Warp. Next.” He burned the letter, before pulling out the next.
“Dear Mr Emperor;
I have several questions for you. I hope none of them offend you, and if any do, please accept my apologies in advance. Thank you.
Is there any problem that can't be solved via a Warp Storm?
Can you make planets, galaxies, superclusters or universes?
Is it possible to break the fifth wall?
0 divided by 0 equals?
Are you crazy? (In the nicest possible way.)
Sincerely, Lord Iron Skull, Supreme Overlord Person of The Skeleton Empire.” The Emperor read.
“Well, let's do this in numerical order. Or, be me and answer them in any fucking way I want. 0 divided by 0 equals Warp Storms for a thousand years. Not caused by me mind you. I am crazy, crazy by my eternal torment on this fucking throne. Every problem can be solved with a Warp Storm. If it doesn't, then you're utterly fucked. I can make whatever the fuck I want. The Fifth Wall is a lie, much like the cake. Next.” The Emperor replied, burning the letter as well before looking at the next one.
“Dear Emperor of the Golden chair,
If you were planning on making the Ultra-marines (Who aren't total fanatics) again and create an army of sorts, would you either use them to prepare a new land to make your own? Or use them to use some lacke-, allies to secure connections in order to get a footing. I know you're the motherf*cking emperor, but it's best to take up back up plans and make sure all of your bases are covered. Trust me, when you live as long as we immortals have, you tend to want to do something beside being in one spot.
A meddler of long age that travels the Multiverse.
P.S. Have you thought about using cloning of your DNA of your vessel, create a exact replica of your body alive, and taking everything of your mind and going into the empty vessel (As you can let Magmus watch out for your body (No homo) as you make the trip into the vessel from your skeletal form and take care of any daemons that try to enter in) so that way you can get off that chair and scratch that itch you want to scratch.
P.S.S. As a request, please punch that slime of tentacles Zmcstupid (It's not his name, but I hardly care) He still owes me forty souls that I still haven't gotten from that poker game.
P.S.S.S. You may not fully remember me, but some of your pieces have, call it fourth wall dimensional things to explain those of lower mind, also if you want to use someone to complain, why not create that golden troop soldier? And make him more effect so those eye-sores won't ever come near you again?”
“That's a long letter.” The Emperor commented, noting how it unrolled to the floor. “Yes to the first one, possibly world domination to the second. In order to do such a thing, I would need to disconnect my soul from the Throne, which is an extremely difficult thing to do. And I'll be sure to be reminded to punch Tzeentch ten times harder next time. As for the last question, actually making a new soul is extremely difficult to do, much less make a body. If my fragments know you, I'll be sure to ask. Next.” The Emperor burned the long scroll.
“Dear Emperor
What's your opinion on the Angry Marines?
Sincerely
Casual Reader.” The Emperor read. “Ah, those gloriously angry bastards. I both love them and hate them. Even if I didn't make that Legion. Next.” Another note burned.
“Dear emperor this is my question.
Do you know what a thestral is, and if you do, do you know how they were born?
Sincerely, The Oracle.” The Emperor took a moment to think about it. “Ah yes, those guys. If I remember correctly, a few thousand years ago, a part of my power lashed out to the outside world. This contained the area of genes that I used to create Konrad Curze. Somehow, his secret love of bat - like things inhabited multiple Pregnant Equestrian Mothers, and the genes evolved them into the bat like ponies you see today while still in their mothers womb. Next.” Burned. New letter.
“Dear Emperor of Mankind,
What would you do if you met a shapeshifter?
Signed Delta238
P.S. Hope you get your nose scratched.”
“I would probably recruit them. Then they can go gather Intel for me.”
“Greetings Man-Emperor of Mankind, we offer our most jubilant of joys at taking notice of thou.
Though we have a question, how might the royal sisters and Cadence react to learning that thou art technically their father? It would explain how the older sisters have been in personality, such as luna and the grots, Celestia wanting order and well Cadence the youthful 'modern' natural beauty a trait thou art said to have in spades.
Depending on their reactions thou could provide a good father figure onto them! Though Cadence may act out for more attention, due to being younger and having no exact permanent father figure before. Also thou would have to meet her husband and judge him harshly for his screw-ups, especially at a wedding where the father's consent was never given.
Ever observing from our place in the void outside thy universe, Architect of Realities. (Or those whom wished to switch out the last of our name/title to Corruption.)
P.S. We Do welcome to offer Magnus a better deal than a chaos god could flaunt at, for the price of becoming our piece to use in other 'games'.”
“Well, I'm guessing they would freak out. And then their little worshipping group that is on their way to kill me will be outraged. As for her husband….Oh, me and him are going to have words. And sorry, but Magnus is grounded for the next three centuries.”
“Oh look, it's the source of my rage again.
Oh I almost forgot; considering all warhammer gods can control their faction using mind control and seeing as how you created the entire species of the planet you reside on can't you in theory force twilight to think like a human, and use her to mess with everyone/ use her as a temporary body until we get their with the mech one? (after your apology to the TAU; they may not be the best at being original thinkers but they listen to me and I like being an ethereal being)”
“For once you miserable Tau have a point. That doesn't mean I'm apologizing. I fear, however, that Purple might explode from even harboring a small bit of me. Maybe Celestia. And I will not use a fucking Tau Mech for a body, you prestigious assholes.” This time, the letter exploded.
“ I have But One Question, What in the name of deadpool is going on?
Also a message for Pinkie The.Cake.is.a.Lie”
“WHAT?! How could the cake be a lie?! That's impossible! Then again, it could be a bomb, or acid cake, then it could be a lie! But who would do such a thing to a cake?!” Pinkie asked, appearing in the room.
“So THAT is what happened to that small portion of third degree fourth wall fuckery energy that got out. Good to know.” The Emperor chuckled, teleporting the pink mare back to her job. “And Deadpool has nothing to do with it. I surrounded this universe with anti fourth wall breaker detergent.”
“Dear Emperor
What would you do about the dark Eldar once you are no longer in the golden throne can you give us a hint”
“Act like that french guy from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Then poof them from existence.”
“Greetings my man Emperor of mankind I was just curious of your take on on the angry Marines a group of soldiers so renowned for their melee combat that even cornflakes most insane berserkers wet themselves when a drop pod bearing there banner crashes in the middle of their force also would you be allowed them to be illegitimate Warhammer chapter the main reason I asked because I read that you have reasonable Marines in Equestria ready or at least an outpost”
“Read the other question. And sure, they can come, and kick those Tau fuckers in the face when you do.”
“Dear Man-Emperor of Mankind,
I have two questions for you that have multiple parts to both of them. First, have you met any dragons yet? If you have what is your opinion of them and would you ever consider joining them instead of the friendship loving ponies?
Second, what do you do between answering questions, listening to nerdy Twilight, and educating the ponies? Besides playing poker with the Chaos Gods, that is. Why do you choose to do that instead of anything else?”
“I sit around, shit warp storms, and visit my fragments. I have yet to meet a dragon. And maybe.”
“Dear glorious Emperor of mankind.
Since you've had so much time to think while on that throne of yours,
have you figured out the meaning of life yet?
Sincerely, Derrick-Skalula.”
“The meaning of life is 42, as well as eventually conquering the galaxy and proving your species to be the best. Huh, guess that's all of them for now.” The Emperor said, burning the last question, secretly sending it to another location. Celestia, Luna, Twilight, and Cadence, along with Ahriman, walked in at that time.