Twilight woke up from her glorious and highly refreshing slumber with a big goofy grin on her stupid face. She breathed in the noxious cyanide gas that made up Equestria's atmosphere and hopped out of her jagged crystal bed, onto her jagged crystal floor. She tenderly tiphooved her way to the bathroom, sat upon her jagged crystal toilet, and took a jagged crystal shit. After a painful, anus-tearing half hour, Twilight got up without wiping, and bolted out of the bathroom, neglecting to wash her hands like the disgusting slut she is.
She slid down the jagged crystal staircase, ripping her belly hairs off in the process, and came to a halt in her jagged crystal living room. She warily eyed the cracked, crumbly walls, which reminded her everyday that crystals tend to be very brittle, and chip easily due to their cleavage. This brought Twilight's mind to imagine rocks with tits, which repulsed her, but turned her on slightly.
"Boy howdy Spikester," said Twilight gleefully as she cantered her way into her jagged crystal kitchen, happy to see that he was already roasting a pig carcass for their breakfast, "I don't think anything could possibly go wrong today, unless an old villain inexplicably returned with time magic or something, but that would be incredibly stupid. Plus, it'd probably just end up being another stupid sympathetic villain like Nightmare Moon or Trixie. No Spike, I have a feeling we'll be allowed to murder the shit out of the main villain of the season 5 finale, just like we did to Sombra, and Tirek sort of."
"Sounds like a wicked tubular plan Twilight," replied Spike as he put on Oakleys and twirled his longboard around.
Suddenly, with little to no warning(+/- 8 warning points) a huge ball appeared in the middle of the kitchen, it was metallic, and crackling with electricity. It melted the floor underneath it, creating a pool of lava that crackled and popped, tragically burning Spike's Oakleys and longboard. The sphere faded to reveal the Tumblrtot incarnate, Starlight Glimmer. She cackled maniacally and turned to Twilight Sparkle.
"Mwahahaha, Twilight, I have returned after much brooding to capture you in a time trap, where I will spend a whole bunch of time messing with the future and bouncing you around time!" cried Sunset as she fired up her horn.
"That's great," replied Twilight, "But Spike and I are about to feast upon the flesh of a dead pig, would you mind waiting until we're done?"
"Uh, sure."
"Ya know Starlight," said Twilight through a mouthful of tender pork, "that plan of yours is pretty stupid, I mean, I'm basically immortal, I could literally just do nothing until you either give up or die of old age, then you'll have wasted your entire life."
"I know, but it's the principal of the thing, I suffered some pretty serious trauma as a kid, and it really messed me up," replied Starlight before lightly sipping a cup of coffee that Spike had made for her.
"Meh, fair enough i suppose, just lettin' ya know that it's ultimately fruitless."
Twilight and Spike devoured the rest of the swine in complete silence, their meat-frenzy having reached full swing. Starlight looked on in both horror and admiration, for while she was a vegetarian, she could definitely admire the snakelike way Twilight's jaw unhinged to swallow pig limbs. Once they'd finished eating, Starlight patiently waited for the duo to wash down their meal with a big glass of milk before carrying out her master plan.
"Mwahahaha, it's time for me to get my revenge," said Starlight mockingly as she opened a time portal and sucked both herself and Twilight into it. Spike also was there. They were all consumed in a swirling vortex of pure time energy, which spat them out at the pegasus race where Rainbow Dash got her cutie mark. Starlight looked around for Twilight, only to see her lounging on a cloud.
"Hey Twilight what gives, aren't you going to try and stop me?"
Twilight sipped a martini and nonchalantly waved at Starlight. Starlight shook her hoof angrily in response, and chased down Rainbow Dash, proceeding to beat the shit out of her.
"Lets! See! How! You! Like! This!" cried Starlight, accentuating each word with a punch to Rainbow Dash's face, pounding it to a meaty pulp. Starlight then turned and sent Twilight into the future.
Instantly Twilight came back, a bored expression on her face.
"Ha! Back again are you? Well how was the future?"
"Utterly horrifying," said Twilight as she reshaped a particularly comfy cloud into the shape of a lawn chair, "totally dreading whatever happens next."
"Aren't you going to like, try and stop me or something?" asked Starlight furiously.
"No need, I've got eternity and you don't, I'm sure you'll wear yourself out eventually," said Twilight as she leaned back with yet another martini.
"You're not even going to try?!!?"screamed Starlight through a red and sweaty face.
"Look, it's not my fault you came up with the worst evil plan in the history of this entire show, let's just skip the part where this happens three more times and get to the part where you're a sympathetic villain and we can redeem you."
Starlight groaned and activated her time spell, taking them back to her childhood, where she looked sullenly through a window at her old childhood friend who's name, and mane color I forgot. It was at the part where he got his cutie mark and ditched her punk ass.
"See? He totally ditched my ass, that's why I hate cutie marks." said Starlight, fighting back an oncoming storm of tears.
"Seriously?" screamed Twilight, "The reason you decided to go all 1984 on that village was because some retard ditched you when you were a kid? Fuck you."
So Twilight stabbed Starlight in the throat with her horn and returned to the future feeling totally cheated.
"I can't believe that idiot has basically the same name as me," she said through a mouthful of Moose Tracks ice cream.
the end