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// The Pains in Life, The Torment in Death 
// Story: Stuck On This Side Of Death 
// by grey mane 
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*Sigh*


Out of any chapter that I will write for this, this one is by far the hardest because of what happened. What had taken place has forever affected me and has been the single strongest factor in my life, there isn't a single choice or decision I have not made thus far that this has not had some weight to alter them. But for any of you reading this I feel I must say this here and now, very few of my friends know about this because I never talk about it unless its dragged out of me.

And what I have shared with them is only bits and pieces because I wasn't too sure if they would understand, I barely understand it my self even to this day and I've had my whole life to think on it. But I have to thank one of my friends here on this site for getting me to mention this, LyraAlluse thanks for saying something even if it wasn't much. So that any of you get a better idea of what happened I'll go back a short time before it started, and just so any of you know it hasn't ended and I fear that it only gets worse by how much and how often I don't know.

It was the end of summer in 2001 school had just started and it was my first year in middle school, sixth grade and I was ecstatic to see what the new year had in store for me. I was shy and kept to my self mostly because I was still getting over a death in the family, my great grandfather had past that year and it pained me to no end. He was one of the greatest father figures I had ever known or ever will know, when he died I felt a piece of my self go and hadn't been the same.

When he was alive I was outspoken and eager to make friends and meet new people, though I still was at the time the part of me that was outspoken quietly left with him. But I did what I could to brush it off and greet my new venture with a smile, a smile that would soon be replaced with a frown. The friends I had in the years before soon forsaken me for their new friends. and only had a little interaction with me only to make themselves seem cooler in the eyes of their new friends. To do this they aided in bullying me along side those that where already doing it.

I had been singled out because of how I looked, I was short, pudgy, and easily pushed around. I greeted every hoof up I got with a smile and a thank you only to be knocked back down by the ones who helped me up, and even by those I once called friends found some amusement to do this. I joined the foot ball team in hopes some of it would stop and I could find some comradery among my teammates, sadly I was wrong even there I was bullied and kicked around. The only difference was it was called toughing up, but slap a bit of paint on a piece of shit and it's still a piece of shit.

Things only escalated as the season went on but still I did what I could to hold my own, the one person I could go to for help was my older brother and even he forsaken me. He would often turn a blind eye to what was going on, and when he did pay attention all I would get out of him was a speech.

"If they hit you then hit them back.
If they make fun of you then make fun of them back.
I don't want to hear about your problems they have nothing to do with me.
What did you think the world was going to be so easy that you smile and everyone would be your friend, congrats you've learned that's not how it works.
Why don't you just grow a pair and do something about it your self?"

Our great grandfather had instilled in us that we should stick together as one, simply because we are family and that is what family does for one another. Over the years I tried to hold on to that belief even to this day, but even I have come to question it no matter how close to me it is. For several weeks as the leaves began to change things only got worse for me as I started to seclude my self to locations in the class rooms and through out the school that I could be alone, I found solace in these locations for what little time I could be in them knowing that soon I would be in the crowds again and victim to what would soon come. As fall break came around I felt glad to know I wouldn't have to put up with any of the crap from school and I could lick my wounds, but sadly fate had other plans for me and my family.

For the past few years my grandfather on my mother's side had cancer in his left leg, they had cut off the leg at his shoulder in the hopes to remove it but in the process they missed a piece. It soon spread and strangled him to death that year and his funeral was held the day before Thanksgiving, funny how that worked out we gathered the next day but I questioned what was there to give thanks. Another family member dead before my eyes and the torment that waited me at school, what was the point, WHAT WAS THE REASON, IF ANY POINT OR REASON COULD BE MADE THEN WHAT WAS IT AND WHY!?

The one thing that I hoped for was some kind of reprieve from it all, if anything at the least that this remained in the family so I could keep it apart from everything else. But as I said fate had other plans for me, the morning we returned to school my younger brothers had asked to stay home unable to contain their cries. She had granted them this and offered me and my older brother the same option, we chose to tough it out and go to school, when we got there I soon learned that the school was informed about the recent death in our family and asked that our teachers keep an eye on us just to be on the safe side.

My first teacher of the day stood up and started off by giving her condolences, when I tried to play it off she claimed I was simply in denial and asked if me and my grandfather where close. Word soon spread like wild fire and my bullies came at me to no end and focused heavily on my grandfather's passing, my mind slowly started to sink and spiral as I pondered why would people stoop so low to use such a thing against me? I never truly learned the answer though I have gained some understanding to it and even still question it, there's no point in dragging the departed into issues like this or any other for that matter. The dead have earned their peace so let them have it, *hmph* its funny I say that, what peace is there to be had in this world or the next?

The only bit of recovery I could find was in the music class I chose to take, I was playing the viola and enjoyed it... though looking back I should have gone bass I've had the hooves for it all my life. I played to regather what little pieces of my mind I could and keep together what little had yet to shatter, but most of all I enjoyed being in the same class as the one girl I had a crush on. Ya my bad should have mentioned that sooner, she was a golden brunette with what I could guess at the time was a burned amber eyes. 

I fell for her the first day I saw her but felt it was best to keep my distance simply because I didn't want to drag her into my problems, it didn't take long before a small group of my bullies learned about my feelings for her and found a way to drag her into the mix. At the start of it a small group of my bullies came to me acting like they wanted to be my friends, I was desperate for even a single friend I had even forgotten what it was like to even have one so I gladly accepted them and welcomed them in. I was a fool then too damn young, stupid, and desperate to not be able to see such a trick coming, for weeks they acted like my friends, they sat with me, talked with me, in time I thought it was real and they meant well.

How blind I was that I didn't notice the signs that each little moment was for them to learn something new about me to use later, they soon got personal and learned about the girl I had a crush on. They soon fed me lies they came up with and told me how much she liked me and how she couldn't stop thinking about me, there where times when I could see it in her eyes that she wanted to tell me alone that it was all a lie. And even then a small part of me that new the truth wanted to tell her I knew, but how could I trust that part of me when I was wanting to take in the falsehood that made me happy?

Then on the first day of spring with out warning she stood up in the middle of the music class and shouted, "I don't care for you, I hate you. I could care less if you ended up dead hanging in the gym from one of the rafters!"

It was then what little of my self I managed to keep together shattered beyond repair and things got far more worse than I could imagine, my bullies where relentless and had so much new information from my so-called friends to use against me as they pleased. I sank so far down into a pit with in my self that even in my sleep they where there tormenting me, but even then I wanted to stand tall against it knowing that I was alone in the fight. As things got worse the more of a loner I became that my family thought it was a phase I was going through and would soon come out of, I soon turned to the occult and religion to hopefully find some kind of an answer something I could hold on to and use as a means to come back to my old self.

I was painstakingly wrong every answer I got was the same, turn the other cheek, tough it out and be rewarded in the end, through pain comes enlightenment, what did any of this mean I often asked wanting to know why I was pointed towards them. I could find no answer and as the weeks progressed things continued to get worse, then one night when I was alone at home I could feel a skeletal grip on my head. 

Nothing was there but I could feel it and with this grasp came a voice, "It would be so much easier to just end it all myself. The knives in the kitchen are sharp enough, and all it would take is one quick slice across my wrist." Walking towards the kitchen I could feel these words as though they where my own, "No one would care if I left this world, hell things would just get easier any way." Once in the kitchen I pulled out the sharpest knife believing these thoughts where my own, "One simple little cut and it will all be over."

Pressing the edge of the knife to my wrist I soon questioned who's thoughts this belonged to, I knew they where not mine as the thoughts them selves felt heavier to me. Pulling the blade away I soon pressed it back down as the thoughts rang through my head telling me it was the right thing to do, I wanted to ignore these thoughts and stop what I was doing but it felt right as if it was true. Pressing a little harder I slowly started to drag the blade only to stop as I felt two hooves on my shoulders, on the left was a bony yet firm grip, on the right was a husky yet rough grip. I knew these hooves they belonged to my grandfather and great grandfather, though I heard nothing I could feel they where slightly ashamed of me.

One thing they had often taught us was suicide was never the answer to anything, to them it was the greatest insult to what they where and had done. It was cowardly, meaningless, held no value, and most of all had the greatest consequence and you can never take it back. Looking at my self I dropped the knife as I fell to my knees crying, I wanted them to tell me what to do I wanted their guidance now more than ever. Through their touch I could feel they wanted to help but knew they couldn't, it was my life and if I wanted it to mean anything I had to fight as they once did.

Things never got easier for me not in the least, I transferred schools in eighth grade to start over and to get a second chance. Though on paper I was labeled a problem child with anger management issues, but I guess that's what they will call you when they don't want to help solve a bullying problem and you have to solve it your self. I don't condone violence not for any reason, but I don't believe you should let yourself be walked over either. I do think that if others will not help you and you've exhausted every option out there then do what you feel is natural, with the exception of killing your self.

Though things haven't gotten easier for me I know the game is still the same, the only difference is what it's called now and the stakes that are set for the actions I make and choices I must make. I haven't felt my grandfathers since that day but I know they still care, I just wish this damn skeletal hoof would let go of me and let me live my life. I know it won't and the thoughts grow with each passing day and have become a little more cleaver in how they hit me, but I will never cross the line I can't come back from no matter what comes at me. I'll fight till the day I hear the bells Death has waiting to ring for me, and I'll go when I see the light of Death's lantern to guide me to where ever I will call my final destination.

Till then what ever this damn thing is that has its grip on me, be it demon, tormented spirit, or my own dark nature I say this, "Please take a cactus out back so you can play hide-n-go-fuck yourself."