Equestria's Mark

by MasterZadok

Ch 11: I'm Not a Fan of Puppeteers...

“… Did I get lost along the way, lose my mind for a new i-den-ti-tay? I quite enjoy ruining your day, an’ I just wanna cause a little en-tro-pay…” I wasn’t really paying attention to the song even though I was the one singing it. As far as I was concerned, the sound coming out of my mouth was akin to static flowing from my mom’s radio. And nobody was allowed to turn off mom’s radio.
Beneath me, in what used to be the expansive Canterlot labyrinth, five ponies and a draconequus played out ‘The Return of Harmony Pt. 2’ as if they were actors on a stage and I had the economy seating.
“Hue-ha-ha-ha-ha… Ah-ha-ha-ha-haa!” Discord celebrated his victory laugh with enough relish to start his own condiment company. He looked like a fish out of water by the way he flopped in the dirt, giggling, while, Twilight Sparkle watched him with turmoil behind her lavender eyes. Her mission had failed, her world was crumbling, and even her friends had pulled their support out from under her. Nothing was left but Discord’s glee.
“And what are you laughing at?” A not-so-pink-ie Pie growled at the draconequus. Her coat no longer shone the way it used to and her eyes were as dark and stormy as the sky. Say what you will about Discord, but his curses were pretty convincing.
“Oh, you ponies are just the most fun I’ve had in eons.” The villain struggled to get his breathing under control as he wiped tears from his eyes.
“Well, quit it!” The little pink pony bared her teeth threateningly. “You’d better think before you laugh at the Pink!... –ie Pie!”
“Oh yeah?” The (British word for female dog) that used to be Fluttershy sneered. “Well, ha ha!”
“Quit it!” Pinkie’s temper flared.
“No. Ha ha!”
“Quit it!!”
“No. Ha, ha-ha, ha ha.” If that taunting had lasted any longer, Pinkie might just have gone full ‘Pinkamena’ on the little pegasus. Fortunately, a new distraction popped up,
“Uh, Rarity?” Applejack poked her head out from behind a giant chunk of granite that the unicorn was standing beside. “This here diamond of yours? Twilight said we should split it six ways since we, uh, found it together.”
“Ooh!” I winced as the dark-white kleptomaniac lashed out with her hooves and clipped AJ across the jaw. She stood between the earth pony and the giant boulder like a mother fox protecting her pups.
“Try it, punk! He’s mine. All mine!” More knife-like kicks drove Applejack further away from the big rock. Twilight looked around her in horror.
“Girls! Why are you acting like this?” There was a pleading tone in her voice. “We need to stick together.”
But that didn’t stem the tide of bickering. Fluttershy kept trying to aggravate the ponies, Pinkie Pie continued being aggravated, Applejack was still denying everything and Rarity persisted in her efforts to polish her oversized paperweight. And Discord kept chortling.
“It’s just too entertaining.” Twilight Sparkle spun on him and snapped,
“Stop it, Discord. You’re not playing fair.”
“I’m not playing fair?” The draconequus lifted his great grey eyebrows, in amusement. “Perhaps we haven’t met. I’m Discord: spirit of chaos and disharmony. Hel-lo?”
“How are we supposed to find the Elements of Harmony when you took away the labyrinth before we could get to the end?” The little unicorn demanded.
“No (spit), Sherlock.” From my vantage point, I rolled my eyes. “That’s like Buffy telling a vampire, ‘Aw, hey, I’m fresh out of wooden stakes. You wouldn’t happen to have any spares would you?’. Then again, Discord’s not trying to abolish the Elements. He’s trying to defeat them. Perhaps… Perhaps letting Twilight find and then fail to use the Elements is more soul-crushing than simply hiding them… Devilishly clever…”
“I never said they were in the labyrinth.” Discord clarified as he ran the purple pony through a flashback of her own memories.
“But… But-” She stammered.
“Keep trying, Twilight Sparkle. Maybe the ‘magic of friendship’ can help you.” Her foe mocked as he prepared to depart. Discord looked down his muzzle and sniffed, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some chaos to wreak.”
The spirit of disharmony vanished, the sky grew heavy with swollen cotton candy clouds, and great globs of creamy chocolate milk began to pepper us. Twilight Sparkle’s spirits fell to her hooves as surely as her chocolatey-wet forelocks fell into her eyes. The alien creature now wearing Pinkie Pie’s face looked up at the sky and spat,
“Chocolate milk? I hate chocolate milk!”
“Ugh…” The purple unicorn tried to shut her eyes, tried to rally her scattered thoughts, and tried to formulate a plan, but a particularly noisy and discourteous human interrupted her.
“Twiiiilliiiighht!” I came barreling down the muddy slope like Sisyphus’s boulder, hollering and waving my arms. I tripped, skid ten feet, scrambled back up and continued to run. By the time I actually got to my friend, I was as clean as a monster truck and smelled like Nesquick.
“Mark?” The purple pony stood where she was like a deer in the headlights.
“Sup?” Slap! I plastered myself up against her face in a tight hug.
“Gald to see you’re all right.” Twilight tried to pull out of my embrace, half of her face painted with dirt.
“Me? I was worried about you. That’s the question. Are you all right? Did Discord get to you? Is your soul crushed yet and you’re on the verge of despair? Hey! You taste like chocolate!” Before I could stop myself, I was licking sweet dairy rain off of the pony’s ear.
“Ew!” The little pony recoiled with a mixture of shock and revulsion. “Mark? What’s gotten into you?”
“Ohmygosh! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to! I mean-” There was a sharp slap as my right hand punched me across the jaw. “Why did I do that? I’m such a freak! Please forgive me! Forgive this wretched husk of a human!”
“Are you ok?” Twilight asked cautiously. “Where’d you go?”
“Well, while you girls were participating the Triwizard Cup finals, I was over there getting (screwed) by Discord. I’m glad to see you got through the maze in one piece, and I probably would have come running down sooner, but I’m not too eager to become a fan again in this weather. I’ll get soggy.”
“Huh?”
“Oh, (crud)! I said (dirty bird) to Twilight! I’m such a disgrace to the fandom!” More self-inflicted punches. “Shame upon my whole family! Shame upon me! Shame upon my cow! Shame-”
“Hey! Cut that out, Mark!” My friend held back my fist and looked down at my muddy and battered face. It was clear from some of the older bruises that this wasn’t the first time I’d assaulted myself. “Why are you hitting yourself?”
“Dobby is always having to punish himself for something, sir.” I tried to smile, but a cut on my lip discouraged the gesture. “Self-loathing is kind of a hobby of mine, but now that that prick, Discord’s taken away my inhibition, it’s not quite as subtle as it used to be.”
“Took away your inhibition? So he got to you too…” Twilight’s grip on my arm slacked and her eyes dimmed. I pulled myself upright and nodded.
“Yeah… And nah. It’s a curse all right, but not like the racket he’s got going on here.” I swept my hand around at the other ponies. “Discord sealed their true selves one-by-one, first by bringing out what they believed in, and then making them doubt it, resulting in these anti-ponies. Pretty clean-cut procedure, too. All except for Fluttershy. She and Discord have a special relationship.” I winked at the poupon-yellow pegasus, but she just scowled back. “And before you ask, I know this because Discord told me. Not like I have alternate knowledge of the events that I’m not technically supposed to know. Of course not! Not at all!”
“Ok…” Twilight frowned critically. “And how are you?”
“Me? I’m a loose cannon. I’m a bucking bronco. I’m a runaway train. I don’t think I’ve officially been drunk, but I imagine it would feel a lot like this. Without my reticence, I’ve got nothing left to stand between my thoughts and my actions. You’ll notice my vernacular’s a little different. Motor skills are a little jumpy, too.” I jabbed a thumb behind me at the muddy trench I had carved when I tripped. “And I might do crazy things like lick a pony’s ear. And whatever you do, don’t say ‘Everybody do the Flop!’, because I just might.”
“That makes a little more sense.” Twilight wiped her ear thoughtfully. “But you’re still… you?”
“Well, what’s left of me.” There was a moment of thoughtful silence as Twilight Sparkle organized her thoughts. Finally, she ventured,
“Are you scared?”
“Abso-posi-tivi-friggin-lutely.” I gave a reassuring smile. “But I couldn’t just run away. Not when my friends need me the most.”
“Thanks, Mark.” The little pony smiled weakly. “That means a lot right now.”
“Hear that, Discord?” I shouted at the sky. “Score one for friendship!”
“Once we get the Elements we can return everything to normal.” Twilight encouraged. “We just have to find them first.”
“In more ways than one...” I cast a glance over my shoulder to where Rarity was struggling beneath her rock in a desperate attempt to keep it out of the mud.
“What do you mean?” Twilight Sparkle asked. I would have answered, but Applejack piped up,
“Y’know, this is all well and good, Mark, but the rest of us think it’d be better if you just left us alone.” I spun around with tears welling up in my eyes, (I guess crying is a lot easier when you don’t have inhibition.)
“Aww, Applejack! I’m glad to see you too!”
“Wha? I didn’t say that.”
“Shhh…” I held a chocolate-covered finger up to the orange mare’s lips. “I know what you meant.”
“I think that’s why Dash left. Because she thought you were holding her down.” Applejack pulled in her lips and her eyes darted off to the side.
“You really mean that? That’s the best compliment I’ve gotten all day.”
“Something wrong with your hearing?” The liar squinted at me.
“No, just his face! Hey, Mark! You missed a spot!” From the direction of Fluttershy’s voice came a flying wad of mud and milk that plastered the side of my cheek like a giant bird turd.
“Ow! Fluttershy, you (birch)! No! I didn’t just call you that. Forget I called you that. I know it’s not your fault.”
“Oh? Then this isn’t my fault either!” The little pegasus flung another projectile with as much power as Aroldis Chapman. Fortunately, I dodged that one, but Fluttershy only took that as an invitation to continue.
“Ouch! Stop it! Knock it off! Ow! I didn’t mean literally! Hey, that one had a rock in it!” I ran in circles while Twilight Sparkle went back to trying to solve the underlying problem.
“But where could the Elements of Harmony be? ‘Back where you began’? Hmm… ‘Back where you began’?”
“I know where they are!” I proclaimed.
“You do!?” Twilight gasped. My pupils shrunk as I realized what I had just said and was just about to put my foot in my mouth when Fluttershy put something else there instead. One of her mud balls to be precise.
“Gmph! Bleck! Right in the pie hole. Now nothin’s gonna taste right.” I doubled over, spitting. “And I still have splinters in there from chewing on the hedge, too.”
“Mark! What did you say about the Elements? You know where they are?” Twilight Sparkle pressed her muzzle up to my nose.
“No I don’t! Yes, I do. Is it too late to take it back? Yeah, kind of. Should I own up to it now? No, still a bad idea.”
“Where? Focus!”
“Well, maybe I’ll just say that I have a pretty good idea of where to look.” I smiled sheepishly. “You see, Princess Luna tried to explain as much as she could about Discord, his methodology and psyche, and it seems to me as if he doesn’t actually view you as ponies. Oh, sure, he knows how to push your buttons and manipulate all your emotions, but that’s all just a means to an end. Really, he just views you all as the Elements of Harmony, and he thinks the moment you six became tied to the Elements was the night you all decided to go on your quest to find them. You remember? The Golden Oak Library? The book you read from? The moment all your destinies became intertwined? That’s the moment he thinks you ‘began’.”
“I never thought of it like that.” Twilight said hesitantly.
“No, and I think it’s pretty random, too, since we both know that the Castle of the Two Sisters would have been more appropriate, or even right here in Canterlot where the show actually-PINK FLUFFY UNICORNS DANCING ON RAINBOWS!”
“What?” The purple pony flinched and folded her ears back.
“WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES! WAR, WAR NEVER CHANGES! REALITY IS AN ILLUSION! THE UNIVERSE IS A HOLOGAM! BUY GOLD! BYE!” Well, the look that Twilight gave me in that moment was certainly a memorable one, but it was still better than admitting that her whole world started with “Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria…” That was one “beginning” that I wasn’t ready to reveal.
“Ok…?” Twilight shook her head. “You lost me there, but I think I understand now. Ponyville. Home. You think the Elements are in Ponyville?”
“I know they are. No, I don’t! Don’t lie! I’m not lying! You’re not telling the truth, either! Yes I am… mostly…”
“Mark?”
“This can’t be good for my nerves.”
“How can you lie if you really don’t have any self-control?”
“Without my inhibition, I can’t decide if I want to lie or not, no, but I can still do it, yes. I’m just such an honest guy that the truth’s usually the first thing that jumps out.”
“But why would you want to lie?” A wounded expression passed over Twilight’s face. I leaned forward, narrowed my eyes and lowered my voice,
“Please, Twilight. My choice of what I do and do not tell you is the last shred of dignity I have. I’m begging you, please respect that and know that I’m doing what I do to keep you safe. I have to ask you not to take that from me as well. Now, can you still trust me?”
In response, Twilight Sparkle nodded slowly.
“Thank you. Score two for friendship, eh?” I straightened back up. “Now! To Ponyville!”
“Right! To Ponyville. That’s the best lead we have so far.” The purple unicorn smiled enthusiastically, but the expression vanished in an instant. “But how will we get there?”
“What? We can’t just do a scene-change?” I wiped chocolate milk out of my eyes. “I don’t suppose you can teleport us all at once?”
That was a negative.
“Alright… Let’s see here.” I sighed, turning a full 360 degrees to get my bearings. Where we were standing at that moment wasn’t a very good vantage point, but I was still able to see the palace above us and a massive cotton candy storm representing Ponyville in the valley. I knelt down in the mud and doodled a little diagram. It portrayed a little mountain with a ‘you are here’ sign at the top and a little village with the Elements and Discord at the bottom.
“The way I see it, we’re at the top of a cliff and we need to get down. Canterlot has three routes connecting it to the rest of the world. A train, which is currently a big dessert, a carriage road, and the sky docks. There’s also good ol’ gravity, but let’s call that ‘plan Z’.”
“Plan Z?”
“Meaning that any and every other plan comes before it. So! We can check out the train station and hope that they got it running again, but it’s doubtful. Not to mention, we’d be betting our lives on the hope that the train tracks themselves don’t turn into gummy worms halfway down the mountain. That leaves the sky docks and the foot path. Now I’m going to be perfectly honest and admit that I’m biased toward taking an airship.”
“Why’s that?” Twilight glanced over my shoulder at my tiny doodle of a pegasus zeppelin.
“Because airships are friggin’ awesome, they’re the fastest option, they’re more awesome, and finally, I don’t think Rarity will survive lugging her new boyfriend down the carriage route.”
As if on cue, my vision was suddenly filled with the great grey hide of a gigantic bounder. An exhausted Rarity carefully lowered her precious megalith in front of me and began wiping chocolate milk off its surface.
“Rarity! Get your rock off my map!”
“So rude!” She clicked her tongue disdainfully. “Can’t you just appreciate the fact that you are in the presence of perfection? Just look at its magnificence! Witness its beauty. But don’t touch! It’s mine, you hear me! All mine!” Rarity went from graceful to scary faster than the angels in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’.
“Yes, ma’am!” I scrambled away from the object of contention.
“I’m touching your gem, Rarity. Ha, ha.” Fluttershy alighted on the boulder from above, sneering like a gargoyle.
“What ‘chu laughing at?” Pinkie Pie snarled.
“Sorry. I can’t help it if your face is one of nature’s best jokes.” The pegasus taunted.
“Ooohhh! Apply cold water to the buuurrrn!” I hollered. Pinkie Pie’s face burned beet red.
“Everyone, calm down.” Twilight Sparkle pleaded. “We still have to stop Discord. So please, stop fighting.”
“Twilight’s right.” I clapped my gooey hands together. “Girls! We’re getting out of this mud hole! Follow me.”
“But I want to stay here.” Applejack moped.
“Then get your rear in gear! C’mon, let’s make like a tree and get outta here. Move it!”
Finally, and with no shortage of mumbling, our group finally plodded out of the Canterlot gardens. The city that once shone as pristine as snow now looked as soiled as a manure plant. The glistening rooves had ribbons of brown liquid streaming off them and the polished streets were clogged with spoiled milk runoff. I found myself praying that the brown liquid burbling out of the sewers was just chocolate and not pony waste. Even the city’s shinning banners hung heavy and stained like used toilet paper. Anypony with a lick of sense was barricaded indoors, but our group still pressed on towards the sky docks. When we got there, an unusual scene was waiting for us.
“Where is everypony?” I wondered, looking over the vast empty platform before us. The docks were almost devoid of life. Most of the ships had already fled the bizarre storms, but quite a few vessels remained moored to their stations, swaying to and fro like nervous cattle. “I kind of thought this place would be as busy as the train station, you know? Full of ponies trying to get out of Dodge.”
“Maybe something’s happened. I see a couple guards here.” Twilight mused. “Oh, there’s somepony. Excuse me, sir?” The little unicorn ran onto the platform where a silver-grey pegasus stallion was stomping away from a little schooner. He wore a blue shirt over his hefty belly and a sour scowl. He looked up as Twilight asked, “We need a ship to take us to Ponyville. How come none of the ships are running?”
“How come? I’ll tell you how come!” The pegasus sounded as if he had swallowed a fog horn. “A moment ago half the city was crowded on this very platform, trying to escape whatever blasted curse’s hit us, when all of a sudden, the High Benevolence up and flew away!”
“Well, yeah?” I looked around uncertainly. “I mean, if it’s an airship, isn’t it supposed to do that?”
“Don’t interrupt my story, boy!” The silver pony chewed. “I mean, it transformed into a flippin’ flying whale and swam away! Whistling like an ice cream truck, it was, and grinnin’ all the while!”
“Ok, see that’s different.”
“Nopony wanted to go sailing after that, let me tell you!” The pegasus continued. “Everypony ran home with their tales between their legs and the guards? They all got scared and declared it unsafe to fly until they know what we’re dealing with. Now I’m stuck here until they say it’s safe, but those blingy unicorn blighters don’t know that you can’t keep an airship docked during a storm! Just watch, once the real wind hits us there won’t be any airships left to worry about!”
“What? Too fat to fly home without your little boat?” Fluttershy jabbed. The silver pony’s lip twitched and he tried to pull his shirt a little lower over his belly.
“I’m not fat. I just have big bones.”
“Yeah, and they’re covered with big meat…” The yellow pegasus mumbled.
“Listen, missy, I’m not going anywhere without my ship! You, a pegasus, should know better than that.”
“Then perhaps we can help each other.” Twilight’s face lit up. “We need to get to Ponyville and you need to get your ship out of the harbor. I’m sure that if I talk with the guards, they’ll let you sail.”
“And what makes you so sure?” The stallion squinted critically. “What can you tell ‘em that I haven’t already tried?”
“Well, for one thing, it’s her job to know exactly what we’re fighting.” I folded my arms and leaned back on my foot. “What? You don’t recognize Twilight Sparkle? She and her friends are only the saviors of Equestria. Restoring harmony to the world is kind of her thing, but it’s perfectly understandable if you don’t want to help her do it again. I am being very sarcastic, just so you know.”
“Mark, that’s not necessary.” Twilight waved a hoof at me.
“Twilight Sparkle?” The silver pony turned to face her. “The princess’s most prized student? The prodigy? I apologize for not recognizing you, miss. Last I heard, you were somewhat of a recluse.”
“Ouch!” I grinned.
“Will you help us, sir?” The purple pony pressed.
“Little miss, if you can force some sense through the guard’s helmets, I and my ship would be in your dept.”
“Deal.” Twilight turned and trotted over to a trio of tense guards. Of course, they were leery about lifting their quarantine, but unlike the silver pegasus, they knew who the purple unicorn was. Perhaps they even knew how much the princess trusted her student. Whatever the case, they were cooperative and it wasn’t long before Twilight cantered back with the good news.
“Alright. We’re free to fly.”
“Yes!” I pumped a fist. “That worked out remarkably well. Like a charm. Or a Staples ‘easy’ button. Or a JRPG quest.” Twilight turned to the silver pegasus,
“I’m sorry, but I don’t think we caught your name.”
“Brave n’ Sure.” The stallion tugged on his cap and gestured up to the long narrow hull of his ship. “And this here’s my darling.” A muffled chortle leapt out of my throat,
“Wait, you’re the captain, right?”
“Aye?”
“So, one could say you’re the skipper, right?”
“Aye…” Brave n’ Sure frowned at me uncertainly.
“Ba-ha-ha-haa!” I collapsed on Pinkie Pie’s neck, a slave to the throes of hilarity.
“Something amusing?” The scowl deepened.
“Hey, Pinkie. Pinkie? Hey. Hey, Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie, hey!” I poked my friend’s shoulder.
“What?” The pink grouch almost bit my head off, but I didn’t care,
“He’s the skipper, Brave n’ Sure’!” Whatever poise I had left was forfeit as the laughing renewed.
“So?” Pinkie Pie growled.
“Oh, come on!” I got back to my feet. “I will pay you to laugh at that one.”
“Then you’re going to be very rich.” Pinkie Pie’s face was as sweet as Tartar Sauce.
“Quite the polite group of friends you’ve got here, Twilight Sparkle.” The captain looked over his shoulder at the unicorn.
“Not the word I would use.” The purple pony shared Brave n’ Sure’s look of disapproval.
“I’m sorry!” I squeaked, flinging tears from my eyes. “I can’t help it.”
“Well, could you at least look like you’re trying?” Twilight snapped. Then, looking around the group, she added, “All of you! Captain Brave n’ Sure’s kind enough to help us, so is it really too much to ask to treat him with respect? I don’t care what Discord’s done to you, just try and keep it together until we get to Ponyville.”
“Meh…” Was all that came from the group.
“Just the six of you?” The silver stallion asked.
“And the big guy.” I jabbed a thumb at Tom, Rarity’s boulder. “I know what you're thinking, 'Oh my god, a giant rock!'. And before you ask, yes, she needs it. Or, at least, she thinks she does.”
“Precious baby…” Rarity pressed her cheek up against the rock’s cold hard surface, oblivious to the dialogue around her. Brave n’ Sure stared at her for a moment before sighing and shaking his head,
“I’ll move some cargo around.” He said resignedly.
“Cool! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some freaking out to do.” And before anypony could stop me, I sprinted down the nearest dock, shot across a retractable gangplank and leapt onto the deck of Brave n’ Shure’s ship.
I paused, let my head fall back on my shoulders and opened my hands in euphoria as I slowly turned and soaked in the world around me. I saw the voluptuous balloon fabric above me like a swaying planet, felt the rolling deck beneath my feet, and listened to the rigging as it whistled in the breeze. The other ponies followed me aboard, but I was lost in my rapture, emotion welling up in me like the dawn.
“Hey, Mark? Are you all right?” Twilight Sparkle grunted as she and Rarity wrestled Tom onto the ship. Tears were eking from the corners of my eyes and my chest was full to bursting with happiness. When I finally exploded, I made Vesuvius look like a firecracker,
“I’M ON AN AIRSHIP! AN AIRSHIP, TWILIGHT! A MOTHER (fleck)ING AIRSHIP!” Followed my much incoherent yelling.
“Big deal.” Applejack moped. “I’ve been on hundreds of sky ships. All nicer than this one.”
“I’M ACTUALLY ON AN AIRSHIP! WAAA…” I wailed like a siren as I ran to the fore of the ship, the aft, the fore again, and then leapt up onto the railing.
“Mark! What are you thinking!?” A purple aura latched onto my shirt and held me back. I leaned forward into nothingness and stared at the distant world beneath me, grinning like a maniac and laughing like a hyena.
“… I’m on an airship.” I giggled, looking back at my friend.
“Yes, yes you are. But you need to get back on the right side of the railing, ok?” The magic aura tugged gently. “I’m starting to wonder if this was a good idea, what with your curse and all.”
“No kidding. This is weird.” I leaned further forward. “I feel nothing. Just… elation.”
“What is it with you and airships, anyway?” Twilight only released her spell when I returned to the deck. I flashed all my teeth as I explained,
“Everyone’s got their quirks. Fluttershy’s into fashion. Rarity daydreams about hipsters. Rainbow Dash has a thing for Daring- I mean, adventure-archaeology. And I? I’m a steampunk. I don’t know why, but I love airships. That’s kind of a curse growing up in a world without airships. Kind of crushes the dream, you know, but LOOK AT ME NOW, MOMMA! I MADE IT! WOO!” Not that my mom could hear me from a world away, and if she could, I don’t think she would have appreciated my in-your-face attitude.
“That’s strange that Oregon doesn’t have airships, but then again, you said you don’t have pegasi to…”
“Hehe. Of course Oregon doesn’t have airships. America doesn’t have airships. The whole world doesn’t have airships anymore! Except Goodyear, I guess.”
“World?” Twilight paused mid-stride. “I thought you said-”
“Planet Earth. Seven seas, seven continents, seven billion people. And if you ask any one of them what they think about airships, the first thing that comes to mind is ‘Oh, the humanity!’. Or Led Zeppelin…”
“I don’t get it. Why would you say that?” The purple unicorn looked up at me intently. “You said you were from a land to the northwest.”
“Of course I did. It’s not like I was just going to just pop out of the Everfree forest and say, ‘Hi, girls! I’m a walking, talking, lanky, carnivorous bald mole rat from another planet! Can I be your best friend?’ Because then you’d be all ‘hell, naw!’…”
“Another planet?” Twilight Sparkle looked at me in disbelief. Not because she couldn’t bring herself to believe in other worlds, but more because, “Mark, don’t you think you should have told us something like this before? Why would you lie about that?”
“Because of that, right there.” I pointed at my friend’s face. “That shocked, wary, disbelieving, precarious expression. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t see how it was relevant and wanted to let you get to know me as a person instead of as an alien. How else could I be sure that I’m truly your friend instead of just a thesis on trans-dimensional leakage? To be honest, I probably shouldn’t be telling you this right now anyways, but since I’m not punching myself yet or singing a random Disney song, I guess there’s a part of me that’s wanted to tell you for a while and now’s as good a time as ever. Just so long as I stop myself before I tell you that your world’s a- SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS! EVEN THOUGH THE SOUND OF IT IS SOMETHING QUITE ATROCIOUS! IF YOU SAY IT LOUD ENOUGH, YOU’LL ALWAYS SOUND PRECOCIOUS-”
“What is that caterwauling?” Rarity cried.
“I enjoy it.” Applejack pursed her lips tightly together.
“All right, I’ll stop. Sheesh, AJ, you’re such a critic.” I glanced back at the ship’s railing. “Sorry. I’m under control now. I just- wait! I thought of something else! Nope, it’s too cliché. I’m not gonna do it. Not gonna do it. Not gonna- Aw, screw it!” I threw myself back towards the front of the ship and shouted, “I’m king of the world!”
That time, however, Twilight Sparkle didn’t try to stop me. She was staring at the deck, or through it, with a weighty expression in her eyes.
“All right, if there’s nothing else, then we can be on our way!” Brave n’ Sure hollered from the ship’s helm. Everypony braced themselves as the lines were cast off and the captain activated the ship’s propellers. The throbbing engines pounded the air and the ship slowly slid into the endless sky.
I ran another circuit around the deck, my smile so broad it threatened to split my face in half. The airships of Equestria were a testament to everything great about living in a fantasy world. The hull was fashioned from light and sturdy lumber, the engines were crafted from recursive magic circuits (nigh identical to Tank’s propellers) and the balloon itself was filled with specially harvested gasses from the aether. This combination of earth, unicorn, and pegasus technology was the perfect symbol of Equestria’s peace and prosperity.
“Look lively!” Brave n’ Sure bellowed, frowning down on his motley passengers. “This isn’t a cruise and you should all be off my boat within the half-hour, but these aren’t your normal flying conditions, either. In case of emergency-”
“In case of emergency, the exits are here, here, here, here, here, here, anywhere! Keep your hands and arms inside the rug and-”
“As I was saying!” The captain cut me off. “Don’t touch the pressure valves, don’t shift any cargo, and if something goes wrong, all non-pegasi should use the life baskets located to the port and starboard of the mid-deck.”
I looked in the direction indicated to see a pair of twin wicker baskets no larger than recycling bins. They hung halfway off the deck and sported a couple cords attached to a package above. It didn’t take a stretch of the imagination to postulate that the package was a parachute, waiting to fling itself open should the ship lose buoyancy.
“Aye, aye, captain!” I flung a salute at the silver pony. “I can’t hear you! Aye, aye, captain! Ooohh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob Squarepants!”
“You’re doing it again.” Rarity sighed in exasperation.
“And I will never stop! Not as long as this mortal husk draws breath, I will forever carry a smile on my lips and a song in my heart!” I clenched my knuckles until they turned pale and squeezed passionate tears out of my eyes. “’Cause when you find you’ve got the music, got the music in you…”
“That’d be fine, except for the fact you sing like a timberwolf with strep throat.” Fluttershy clicked her tongue.
“Augh! The words! They cut like knives!” I crumpled to the deck, clutching my heart.
“What a drama queen.” The white unicorn watched me, unamused.
“No! I’m not going to let that get to me. That’s not going to ruin my day! I’m on an airship, after all! I’m on the… uh… Hey, Twilight, what should we call this ship? How about the Graf Zeppelin? No! The Minnow! How about the Serenity? The Enterprise? Ooh, how about the Aurora Song? No, my fanfic wasn’t very popular... How about the CheriMac? That’s practically cannon. Or the-”
“She has a name!” Brave n’ Sure looked up at the underside of his balloon with pride. “You’re aboard the Metamorphosis, boy.”
“Metamorphosis?” I chewed on the word. “I guess that makes sense. That would explain why the balloon is decorated like butterfly wings. Five syllables, too. I like it. Only the best ship names have five syllables. Like the Pillar of Autumn. Or the Forward Unto Dawn. Or the Shadow of Intent. Can you guess which series I was playing when I noticed that?”
Nopony replied and I didn’t care. I settled into a routine of wandering around the ship, bugging the captain with questions, and watching the ground as we crept closer to Ponyville. All the while, one shanty or another was on my lips. I ran through so many tunes, I stopped listening to myself. I know I ran through Carbon Maestro’s ‘Lunar Pirate’, Lazy Town’s ‘You Are a Pirate’, Captain Tractor’s version of ‘The Last Saskatchewan Pirate’, and at least ten Abney Park pieces, including ‘The Wrath of Fate’, ‘Under the Radar’, and ‘Buy the Captain Rum’. (If you haven’t heard them, I’m sorry, but they’re too awesome to describe here.)
“I’m thirsty.” My voice finally ground to a halt.
“Good for you.” Pinkie Pie stared dejectedly at the ground below.
“A little glass of water, please. A fresh-pressed hanky, if I sneeze. Some tea with honey from the bees, whenever you can brew it. Is it weird that I memorized that whole song?” I wandered over to a large rain barrel and casually dipped a ladle into it, but my fidgety eyes belied my unease. The trip had gone well thus far. Perhaps too well. Canterlot was a great spikey silhouette above us and Ponyville was just coming into view beneath Discord’s chaos storm. Brave n’ Sure wove his way through the sporadic cotton candy clouds with a steady hoof, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that we were being watched.
“I think we’re being watched.” I muttered into my ladle.
“Well, I don’t.” Applejack piped up. “Discord’s got better things to worry about than us sneakin’ up on him.”
“Exactly.” My eyes shifted back and forth like a metronome. “This is his big day and he’s not going to leave anything to chance. I’m just worried that a big ol’ airship would be a tempting target to play a prank on. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea after all…”
“We’re almost down the cliff.” AJ assured.
“Eyeup!” I nodded. “Anything could happen up here.” I tried to take another sip of water, but something hard and slimy, like a skinned grape, met my lips. I looked down into the ladle only to see a giant orange eye gazing back at me. “Aw! (Sauna ab itch)! You sick (bastard file)!”
I chucked the ladle into the empty sky and kicked the rain barrel overboard.
“What’s the meaning of this?” Brave n’ Sure demanded.
“What happened?” Twilight and the rest of the ponies looked up in alarm as I emptied my stomach over the railing.
“I know the answer, but I’m not tellin’.” Applejack shrugged.
“Discord!” I spat. “Discord’s here! He’s watching us!”
“Who?” The captain peered at me. “Watching us? What are you saying? There isn’t anything in this blasted storm except the Metamorphosis and even she shouldn’t be here. It’s getting to be as thick as pea soup.”
And, just like that, the air was choked with steaming hot bowls of pea soup.
“Maria, madre de Dios…” I hissed.
Everypony was stunned at the new scene they found themselves in. There was something serene about the silently floating bowls, as if one were standing in a field of frozen butterflies. Pinkie Pie plucked some pea soup out of the air as it passed by, took a sip and tossed it overboard.
“Of course it needs salt.” She growled.
We were shaken out of our reverie by the sound of smashed cutlery and a sudden change in the engine’s tone. I spun around to see the starboard propellers coughing out green paste and the fractured remains of a decimated bowl. A sharp whine pierced the air and the throbbing engines shook the deck with a vengeance.
“We’ve struck one! We’re hit!” Brave n’ Sure cried at the top of his lungs, but he sounded muffled and distant. My world became a dark tunnel as adrenaline seeped into my veins. In one moment, I saw the mutilated propellers flailing like metal spaghetti, and in the next, I watched as the entire starboard engine tore itself to pieces.
“Hit the deck!” Even my voice sounded far away. I threw myself onto Pinkie Pie and pinned her to the floor while little bits of fuselage and magic sparks showered the hull.
“Get off of me!” The incensed mare kicked me to my feet, but I didn’t feel it. I looked back up at Brave n’ Sure to see him locked in battle with his ship’s steering wheel.
“Captain!”
“All hooves! Brace yourselves!” He roared just as I felt the ship list under my feet. The engines had been shut down, but I could still feel a powerful sense of motion like drifting, sinking, vertigo. My eyes turned skyward to the ship’s balloon and my heart stopped mid-beat. One of the propellers that had torn free had eviscerated the Metamorphosis’s envelope. Icy white clouds were pouring from a horrific gash in the fabric and there was a mild to very good chance it had shot through the other side of the balloon as well.
“Hey, Twilight?”
“Yeah?”
“Remember ‘Plan Z’?” At my words, the little unicorn paled. Fortunately, Brave n’ Sure’s commanding voice forced her into action,
“I’m losing her! All non-pegasi prepare to abandon ship!” Later, when I had greater presence of mind, I realized that it wasn’t because of a lack of confidence that the captain was so ready to give that order, but an abundance of experience. Sure, the ship had a couple minutes of flight yet, and even some reserve vapors too, but the life baskets didn’t. If the ship was going to go down at all, then we needed to give the parachutes as much altitude to open as possible.
“You heard the man! Let’s move! Move! Move!” Something clicked in my head and I immediately set to work taking care of the passengers so that the captain wouldn’t have to. “One, two, three, four, five- Hey! Where’s six? Oh, yeah, Rainbow isn’t here. Fluttershy, take off already! That leaves- blast! One of these baskets is going to be a tight squeeze. Fluttershy, get out of here, already!”
“Nah, I’d rather just watch the flightless ones run around like chickens.” The yellow pegasus jeered.
“This isn’t a debate! This! Is! Sparta!” One of my feet caught the little pony in the chest and sent her tumbling back over the railing.
“Mark!” Twilight Sparkle gasped.
“I know! I know! The bronies and I will crucify me later, now get your flank to the baskets!” The ship gave another lurch and I would have lost my lunch if there had been anything left in my stomach. Brave n’ Sure was holding us steady, but the ship itself was approaching freefall.
I shoved a grumpy Pie and a sour Apple into the starboard basket and kicked it free as well. For a moment, they remained connected to the ship by a single length of rope, but as soon as they hit the end of it, a bright red parachute opened above them. I would have patted myself on the back for a job well-done, but the Metamorphosis continued to plummet until we were even lower than the life basket. My ears popped painfully.
“Get going! It’s about to get bumpy!” The captain pleaded. I looked behind me. Twilight was desperately trying to convince Rarity to board the second basket, but the white unicorn was throwing a tizzy about her rock.
“I’m not leaving you! My baby! My precious little-”
“Rarity! Your rock will survive a crash! You wont!” I dashed forward and slid an arm between the pony and the rock. I got a sharp kick in the eye for it, too.
“Let me go, you hooligan! Vulgar, uncultured beast! Unhand me!” Rarity was dragged to the life basket inch-by-inch like a cat to a bathtub. Before long, I had numerous scratches and a bizarre ringing in my head.
“This isn’t the Titanic and you’re not Jack! Ow! Twilight, hold her!”
“I’m trying!” The purple unicorn’s magic flared to life as she fought to hold Rarity in check. The white mare, however, continue to bite, kick and scream until I thought my eardrums would burst.
“No! My darling! He needs me!” Rarity’s own horn blossomed with sapphire light which thrashed about indiscriminately. Twilight’s magic slipped off the mare’s limbs and I got bowled over as the white unicorn raced back to her beloved rock. A wave of nausea washed over me as I watched all our progress reduced to nothing. There wasn’t any more time. The green plains of Ponyville rose up to greet us like jaws and the Metamorphosis was still gaining speed.
“Too late! Brace for impact!” The captain howled. My heart shoved a douse of ice water through my veins as I realized how helpless I was. We were already too low to take the life raft. I had no wings to carry Twilight to safety. I had no magic to help pry Rarity off her stone. I had failed my mission. I had failed the story. But worst of all, I had failed my friends. I turned back toward Twilight as the land rushed up to pulverize the airship, my expression as hollow and cold as my heart as I whispered,
“I’m sorry...”
A radiant pink flash filled my vision and I felt my body squeezed through an invisible bottleneck. When the light faded, I was standing on grass. Rarity and Twilight stood beside me, the purple unicorn’s horn flickering with magic static. In the distance, the Metamorphosis fell to the earth in slow-motion. With all the passengers gone and the green hills only meters away, Brave n’ Sure gave full-vent to his vapor reserves and reignited the remaining engine. The hull slowed, lifted its prow, and finally collapsed on the outskirts of Ponyville.
“Augh! My darling!” Rarity ran past me, spinning me like a revolving door, as she charged towards the ship like a shopper on black Friday.
“Teleportation?...” I breathed, glancing at Twilight Sparkle. “You saved us…” The unicorn looked shaken, but unharmed. She took a couple deep breaths before asking,
“Are you all right?”
“Yeah…” I stumbled towards the fallen skyship. “Just fine…”
Rarity clambered back up on deck and Applejack and Pinkie Pie alighted safely nearby, but I didn’t notice. I stared blankly ahead as I walked back to the ship. Even without inhibition, it was difficult to express what I was feeling, mostly because what I was feeling was emptiness. I had failed. I had died. In that one moment, the light of hope had flickered and a pure, unadulterated despair had taken its place. I stared up at the hull of the Metamorphosis, and punched it.
“Dammit!” I thundered, holding my fist against the ship for a moment. “Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!” I probably would have broken my knuckles if Twilight Sparkle didn’t grab my hand.
“Knock it off.” She pleaded. “What’s wrong?” My fist quivered in her grip, the skin split across the bones.
“Helpless…” I seethed. “So… helpless…” Hot tears of indignation boiled out of my eyes. “I’ve never felt so helpless before. Why here? Why now? Why did today have to be the day I let you down? Why couldn’t I do anything!?”
“You didn’t let us down!” My friend tried to catch my eye, but I turned away. “You did your best. We’re still safe. There wasn’t anything else you could do.”
“Exactly…” My breaths shivered. “Just a useless, pathetic, human… Trying to convince himself that he's important…”
“Don’t forget ugly.” Fluttershy alighted on the railing above me. (I probably deserved that after kicking her.) Twilight Sparkle shot her an angry look and lifted my bleeding hand.
“You’re not useless. Look at what you did for Pinkie Pie and Applejack.”
“You saved my life!” I clenched my teeth. “And I’m supposed to be the one saving you! How can I do that when I can’t even look after myself!?”
“Stop it. It doesn’t work like that, remember? We’re friends, and that means we look after each other.”
“Yeah, because that’s been working out so well.” Pinkie Pie glowered at the sunken Metamorphosis. The canvass balloon was as limp as seaweed, clinging onto what few clouds it still contained.
“Is everypony all right?” Brave n’ Sure’s face poked over the edge of the deck. “No broken bones?”
“… That I can tell…” I ruefully wrapped my knuckles with my handkerchief.
“Feeling better?” Twilight looked up at my face, my expression restless and galvanized.
“Yeah.” I straightened myself. “Look at me, moping around when there’s work to do. Come on, girls, let’s go (screw) Discord in the (plot) with an auger.”
“What about the airship?” The purple unicorn glanced up at the hull.
“Don’t worry, it’s a rental. We’ll just sucker Celestia into paying for it.” I waved up at the silver pegasus captain. “I’m being facetious, by the way! You’re awesome! Your ship is awesome! And if there was any confusion earlier, your name is awesome!”
Brave n’ Sure watched us unload Rarity’s rock and begin hiking the remaining distance to Ponyville. He shook his head at the shattered, technicolor landscape that awaited us and muttered,
“You kids watch yourselves. No good can come of running into that mess…”
But run into that mess we did. Twilight led the way, but as we got closer and closer, Ponyville became harder and harder to recognize. The epicenter of the twisted chaos storm sat above the town hall, or at least what used to be the hall. It and other buildings had been torn from their foundations and now floated around like koi in an aquarium. What used to be pony’s lawns and fields now looked like half-melted chess boards and the river was a sickly Pepto-Bismol-color.
“Looks like Mabel got into the Smile Dip again.” I bit my lip uncertainly.
“Come on, girls. I’m certain this is what Discord’s riddle really meant.” Twilight continued to march forward. “If we get back to the library, I know we can-Ah!” Suddenly, a stampede of rabbit-like creatures with long legs and hooves charged across the hills, trampling over Twilight and throwing our group into disarray. The white beast leading the charge looked particularly familiar…
“Good boy, Angel.” Fluttershy cheered sarcastically. “Mama’s so proud.”
“Fluttershy! I swear if I get a hold of your bunny, I’m gonna make him into a stew, you hear me!? A stew! Well, not really, because then I’d feel bad, but… Hey! Who turned out the lights?” In that moment, the bright sunny sky vanished and the land was plunged into a pitch-black night. I waved my hands in front of my face, but my sunlight-adjusted eyes might as well have been shut.
“Wow, I can see so much better now.” I heard Applejack complaining. I also heard a gurgling, bubbling sound and braced myself. Discord was laying out his own version of the red carpet for Twilight and it wasn’t red or a carpet. I froze in place, perfectly poised while the dirt beneath my shoes was replaced with soap, but it was a fleeting moment of dignity. In the next instant, somepony (probably Applejack) slid into me and all sense of balance was naught but a distant memory.
“(Sofa witch)!” There were a couple more thuds and then,
“I meant to do that…” The closest thing to an apology the orange mare could give. With a blinding flash, the sun came back up. Not that I needed it to know how ridiculous we all looked.
“Discord’s turned our dirt roads into soap!” Twilight grunted.
“You don’t say?” Nicholas Cage face.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” The object of discussion himself cooed as he skated by. Discord glanced down his snout at his guests. “This is the new and improved Ponyville, and these are only my first of changes.”
Pinkie Pie slid gracefully down the street, her face as hard as granite.
“This might look like fun, but it’s not!” She huffed. Twilight tried to sigh, but the gesture was interrupted by Discord.
“Picture it. The chaos capital of the world.” He held the purple unicorn up to get a better view of the town only for the sun to vanish again.
“I can’t picture anything. It’s too dark.” Twilight’s attempt at being obstinate was punctuated by a splash as Discord dropped her back into the soap.
“Well, wait a few minutes and you’ll see it in the beautiful light of day… Or not.” The draconequus leapt upwards in a beautiful ballon before blinking out of existence.
“Ponyville? The chaos capital of the world?” The purple pony splashed a hoof defiantly. “Not if I have anything to say about it.”
“Don’t worry, you won’t.” Fluttershy cackled mischievously. Twilight Sparkle sighed as if those words alone were a kick in the gut.
Walking through Ponyville was no easier than actually getting there. With every loop-the-loop road, every dead end and every jell-o path we traveled, Twilight’s spirits dipped lower and lower. Everything out of place in her hometown was a personal affront and Discord had no lack of insults prepared for her. All the houses were twisted beyond recognition like a Dr. Seuss drawing, the trees were alien and plastic, and there were even a few moments when I could have sworn I saw reality bending like a carnival mirror. The fact that our friends were a constant source of stress too didn’t help anything.
“Never really liked this town to begin with…”
“Beat it, loser!”
“Did I give you permission to look at my gem?”
“Say that to my face!”
“Did I step in manure or is that just you?”
“Personal space! You’re violating my space!”
“Go soak your head in the piranha pond.”
“This is just a wild goose chase if you ask me.”
I glanced at Twilight, concerned. Sure, from a logical perspective, I knew that the show had to run its course, but actually seeing her get worn down was another thing entirely. Twilight had reached the end of her rope about a block ago and now she was just hanging on by a thread.
“Hey, you all right?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking.
“Fine! Why wouldn’t I be? I’m hanging out with a bunch of jerks who don’t seem to care that their world’s being turned into a piñata!”
“Hey, now, that’s kind of harsh.” I soothed. “Remember, these are your friends, after all. You need to hold it together for just a little longer and then you can hate each other as much as you want. Oh, I just realized that I’m one of the jerks you’re talking about. Of course, it’s better being called a jerk instead of explaining how, ‘this is all fated to be because’- EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG! BLACK IS WHITE, UP IS DOWN AND SHORT IS LONG. AND EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT WAS JUST SO IMPORTANT DOESN’T MATTER!”
“How apt.” The purple unicorn said dryly.
“No, that’s Weird Al. You’re not supposed to take it seriously…”
“I know they’re my friends.” Twilight glanced at the dysfunctional caravan behind her. “But if they’re really in there, under the curse, I just thought they’d do more to fight it.”
“Hey, we’ve corralled them all the way here. That in and of itself is a miracle.” I glanced over my shoulder. “As for what’s going on in their heads, I haven’t the foggiest. It might be like a dream, or a nightmare where you can’t control your actions, or the real them might just be sleeping, I don’t know. The scary part, though, is what if they’re conscious after all? And what if they start believing that this false version is their real selves? Then what?” Even as I watched, the last of Pinkie Pie’s color drained from her coat, leaving a graphite-grey earth pony behind. A shiver ran up the back of my neck. “We need to hurry…”
Finally, the Golden Oak Library came into view, a mysteriously untouched bastion of normal in a sea of mind-warping chaos. An emotionally drained Twilight Sparkle gestured at the building, but her words didn’t carry any enthusiasm,
“Okay, we’re here. Everyone please, please, please just go inside, please?”
“I absolutely refuse.” A cooperative AJ marched forward.
“With pleasure.” Fluttershy guided her path through Twilight’s flower bed.
“I hate libraries!” Pinkie Pie spat.
“That everyone?” I glanced over my shoulder. “Rarity?” But the prissy unicorn had fallen behind, sweat dripping from her forehead as she wrestled with her ginormous ‘gem’.
“Please,” Twilight pleaded, “we gotta hurry!”
“Forget it, Twilight.” Rarity spun around. “I know what you’re up to. The second I go in, you’ll have your little minion, Spike, come and take Tom!” Twilight’s shoulders drooped in disbelief,
“Tom?”
“Well, it’s not going to work.” Rarity continued preening her prize.
“You’re not going in without him, are you?” Rarity answered in the negative. Twilight rolled her eyes, but helped move the megalith indoors.
Meanwhile, I and the other ponies had taken shelter in the library itself. I blinked my eyes a couple times to try and readjust them to what ‘normal’ looked like. After strolling through a world inspired by Wall-Mart’s ‘pink aisle’, my retinas felt stained with bubblegum-colored light. In the middle of this sanctuary, Spike was curled up on the floor with a mop and bucket, oblivious to the disintegrating world around him, proof that it was in fact possible to sleep through the apocalypse.
However, Fluttershy had other plans for the little dragon.
Splash! With a cruel glee, the little pegasus plucked up the bucket of mop water and overturned it on Spike’s head.
“Ah! Brrr!” He sprung to life, claws hooked into the floor and eyes wide. “What did you do that for, Fluttershy?”
“’Cause you just looked so peaceful.” She purred.
“I-uh… huh?” What a rude awakening for an otherwise peaceful nap. And the interruptions only got more dramatic when Tom crashed the party. Literally.
“Careful, Twilight! You’ll ruin his beautiful finish.” Rarity hastened to console her stone, ignoring the fact that Twilight just sacrificed her own front door and a large portion of her wall to facilitate its arrival.
“Oh, for the love of…” The purple unicorn bit her lip to suppress her frustration.
“Twilight!” Spike ran over to her. “What’s going on? Why does everybody look so… gray?”
“They’re auditioning for an adult-only sadomasochism movie, but they need 45 more shades. That sounded funnier before I said it.”
“Long story.” Twilight growled. “Don’t ask. I need you to help me find something.” Unfortunately for the purple unicorn and everything in her immediate vicinity, Fluttershy figured dumping water on people’s heads was such a funny joke, it was worth telling again. So she did.
“Hey, Twilight. What’s soaking wet and clueless?”
“Fluttershy, I’ve had just about enough-”
“(Cow turds)!” I dove out of the way just as the mischievous pegasus unleashed an impromptu rainstorm.
“Your face!” She jeered, slamming the bucket over Twilight’s head.
“What’s happened to everypony?” Spike watched the whole scene with horror in his eyes.
“I guess you just bring out the worst in us, Spike.” Applejack shot.
“Ugh.” The purple pony doffed the pail violently. “No time to explain. We’ve got to find the reference guide to the Elements of Harmony before somepony does something she’ll regret!”
“The Elements of Harmony?” The dragon blinked. “Oh, I know exactly where that book is.”
“Not surprising.” I shook my head. “Guy’s probably shelved every book in the library at least a dozen times…”
“Found it!” Spike victoriously waved the object of desire, but he forgot the company he was in. For a devious little ball of malice like Fluttershy, the opportunity was only too tempting.
“Hah!” She dove through the air, plucking the large tome clean out of Spike’s grasp.
“Fluttershy… You’d better give me that book!” Twilight pawed at the floor.
“Keep away!” Fluttershy sing-songed. She tossed the large book over to Applejack who chucked it over to Pinkie Pie who launched it back up to Fluttershy. Round and around the room it flew, with Twilight scrambling after it like a cat chasing a laser. Spike and I watched in silence and then glanced at each other. In that one moment, a silent conversation took place, a warrior’s pact, the knowledge that no matter the cost, the cycle must be broken and the book retrieved. I stooped down and whispered,
“Don’t clench.” With one swift motion, I swept the little dragon off his feet and chucked him like a football. The purple missile flew through the library and plucked the pegasus right out of the air. With the circuit open, Twilight’s book fell to the floor with a thud.
“Mine!” Rarity cried, scooping up the hardcover.
“Is not!” I pounced on her as she raced by. We tumbled to the floor, hooves and feet flying in all directions.
“Is too!”
“Is not!”
“Is too!”
“Rarity! Let go of the book!” Twilight joined the brawl.
“Never!”
That’s when everypony else got involved, too. Fluttershy couldn’t resist making the situation worse, Pinkie Pie wanted to force us all to shut up and Applejack? Well, Applejack was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It was a combination of battle royale, MMA, and dog pile as hooves kicked, fingers clawed and teeth nipped. I couldn’t see anything except for legs, dust, and grey hides. (Those girls could be nasty when they wanted to be.) I broke up the stalemate by shouting,
“Rarity! Let go of the book!”
“No!”
“If you don’t, I’m gonna spit on Tom!”
“You wouldn’t!” Rarity gasped.
“Snnrrrk!”
“Oh, you vile boorish monster!” The (formerly) white unicorn untangled her limbs and dashed off like a frightened cat. She stood between me and Tom with wide eyes and her chest heaving. Without her magic, the rest of the rat’s nest fell apart pretty quickly.
“Didn’t think that would actually work.” I swallowed my artillery as I got to my feet. The battle was over, but the war wasn’t. From across the room, hungry eyes leered at Twilight and the precious book clutched in her forehooves.
“Get back!” She snapped, “All of you! This is my book, and I’m going to read it!” Spike and I positioned ourselves around her like sentries. The little guy was wielding a scroll while I brandished the discarded mop. With a sharp kick, I snapped off its head and clutched the remaining handle like a spear.
“First idiot to come within range forfeits an eye! Do you hear me?” I snarled. “What am I saying? I’d never do that. Then again, I’m not exactly ‘me’, so I can't promise you anything!”
Growling like wolves, the rest of the ponies stepped back.
“Go ahead, Twilight.” I nodded. “Do your thing.” She opened the book but instead of pages, found herself staring into a pocket of space not unlike Mad Eye Moody’s trunk. And wouldn’t you know it? Therein lay the Elements of Harmony, gleaming with their pure light.
“The Elements!” She breathed. “They were really here all along.”
“Aren’t I clever?” To prevent myself from spoiling anything else, I quickly forced myself to think about Portal turrets singing ‘This is Aperture’.
“This is great!” Spike leaned over the book. “Now you guys can defeat Discord and put everything back to normal!”
“See, girls? We did it! We found the Elements of Harmony! Together!” As quickly as Twilight Sparkle’s ‘spark’ of hope flickered back to life, the mopey faces around her smothered it. “You don’t even care, do you?”
“No!” Well, at least they were finally unanimous.
“Mark?”
“I wonder if Jamie Hyneman actually tries to look like a walrus…” I stared out the window. “I’m sorry, I was busy saving the world. Did you say something?”
Twilight Sparkle deflated like a pierced inner tube.
“I never thought it would happen.” She lamented. “My friends… have turned into complete jerks!” In a flurry of magic and gold, she slapped each Element onto its respective pony. “Necklace! Necklace! Necklace! Necklace! And... bit crown thingy!”
“Foresha-oof!” Until that moment, I’d been doing a pretty good job of not hitting myself.
“Come on, everypony. Let’s go!” Twilight Sparkle stomped towards the (former) doorway.
“But Twilight, aren’t you missing somepony?” Spike protested.
“Nope. We’ve got the liar, the grump, the hoarder, and the brute. That just about covers it.”
“But, what about Rainbow Dash?” At the dragon’s words, Twilight paused and blinked.
“Congratulations, Spike. You’re the new Rainbow Dash.” And a large golden necklace latched itself around the dragon’s neck. “Now let’s go!”
“Me?” Spike stammered. “B-b-but, what if she finds out I’ve been impersonating her? Uhh… That won’t end well…”
“Just wait ‘till the internet finds out.” I sneered.
“Too bad. You’re Rainbow Dash. Now let’s go defeat Discord so we don’t’ ever have to talk to each other again!” That was an idea all the girls could get behind. For the first time since Canterlot, they all ran with enthusiasm back out into the twisted chaos-scape. Twilight Sparkle leered at Rarity, still hung up on her chunk of stone. She barked,
“Move! Look out! Here comes Tom!” I could practically feel TuXe drop the bass as the little magician seized the boulder with her aura and hurled it through a window with a mighty crash.
It didn’t take long for the shattered heroes to find Discord. In fact, the twisted entity of chaos was waiting for us on Twilight’s lawn. He hung in the air like an oversized grub as he greeted his opponents,
“Well, well, well, I see you’ve found the Elements of Harmony. How terrifying!”
“Discord! I’ve figured out your lame riddle.” Twilight Sparkle announced. “You’re in for it now!”
“I certainly am. You’ve clearly out-dueled me, and now it’s time to meet my fate.” The air was so thick with sarcasm that I had to chew before each breath. “I’m prepared to be defeated now, ladies. Fire when ready.”
Discord posed with a pair of thick sunglasses and a big round target over his chest. The only thing missing was a cigarette, but not even villains smoked in Equestria.
“Formation! Now!” The rebel leader stood before the chaotic king defiantly. Her allies, however, were less enthusiastic.
“Eh…” Was their battle cry.
“Rainbow Dash, get over here!” Spike moved forward as if he were wearing cement shoes. Even if he had seen the draconequus before, facing him head-on was a far cry from hiding in a library. Twilight braced her hooves against the plastic ground and huffed, “All right, let’s get this over with.”
There was a ripple through the air as she bowed her head and rallied her magic. A musical ringing pulsed around us and a restless breeze tugged at the girl’s manes. The little ponies floated up off their hooves like marionettes as Twilight Sparkle’s crown grew brighter and brighter, flaring with white radiance. When she opened her eyes, they shone with white fire. The vibrations in the air intensified and all the Elements began to resonate with each other, each one coming alive with a burst of magic aura.
It was a testament to Twilight’s magical genius that she was able to get that far and even Discord’s once-smug face flickered with the shadow of doubt as he watched the glowing ponies rise above him. But it was all in vain. The Elements had been defeated even before Twilight found them. The music died, the air became still, and the glow vanished. Five confused ponies dropped back to the earth like old fruit.
“What’s going on?” Twilight’s voice was laced with panic.
“Mine’s workin’. There must be somethin’ wrong with yours.” Applejack diagnosed.
“I hate the Elements of Harmony!” Pinkie Pie proclaimed.
“Heh! Garbage.” Fluttershy flung her pale pink gem away like so much refuse. However, one mare’s trash…
“Mine!” …was Rarity’s treasure. The greedy unicorn was only too happy to snag the Element of Kindness. Spike quickly abandoned his Element as well.
“Sorry, Twilight. I guess I’d better bet back upstairs and clean up the library. Good luck with all this- whoa!” Even as he tried to awkwardly excuse himself, the little dragon wasn’t immune from one last malicious act from Fluttershy. She flicked her tail past his legs and sent the little guy sprawling on his face.
“Oops, sorry, Rainbow Crash!” She chuckled.
“Everybody do the flop!” I cheered. “Aw shi-” The next thing I knew, I was imitating a pancake. As Spike and I peeled our faces off the ground, Discord strode over to our group, a greedy light in his eyes.
“Bravo, ponies, bravo!” His mismatched hands applauded with a random assortment of canned sound bits, “Harmony in Equestria is officially dead. Discord rules, Celestia drools.” And, while those last words still hung like a bee barb in Twilight’s ears, the draconequus took his leave, chuckling to himself as he danced over soapy roads into the sunset.
“It’s your fault it didn’t work!” Pinkie shouted to the sky.
“Who are you talking to?” Twilight clarified.
“Any of you! All of you! I’m outta here!” And without a second glance, the earth pony bounced away as irate as a bouncing pony could possibly be.
“I better go, too. I’ve got new better friends waiting for me at the farm.” Applejack abandoned the sinking ship.
“Yeah! I’m sick of you losers.” Fluttershy and Rarity bid their adieu and the last threads holding the group together unraveled. In that moment, even Twilight Sparkle was glad to be rid of them.
“Fine! Leave! See if I care!” She screamed, “I don’t need you guys either! With friends like you, who needs… enemies…?”
The last light of harmony went dark. Despair’s tender embrace wrapped itself around Twilight Sparkle’s heart and she no longer had the will or the means to resist it. She stumbled under its leaden weight and fell into its cold shadow. The fire left her eyes, her ears folded back, and her royal purple coat changed to an ashy grey. I lifted a hand to my cheeks only to realize that I was crying.
But it was over. It was done. Discord had ‘won’. The heroes were utterly demolished and their hearts were laid bare. Finally, the process of rebuilding could take place. The wounds had been cleaned and were ready to begin healing. The chaff had been scraped away and it was time for the friendships to be reforged stronger and purer than ever. I stepped up beside my formerly purple friend.
“All right!” I clapped my hands together eagerly. “It’s been fun, but I think this day’s gone on long enough, wouldn’t you say? It’s high time the lord of chaos got stoned! And I’m not talking about smoking weed.”
To my surprise, Twilight Sparkle started to walk away from me.
“Hey. Twi? Twi. You still with me? Helooo?” I took a step forward, but she quickened her pace. I jogged to catch up with her, but she broke into a trot. Finally, I tried running, but the grey pony simply began to gallop. It became a chase, she charged through the ruins of Ponyville while I begged for her to stop. From where I was, I couldn’t see Twilight Sparkle’s face, but I could see the teardrops she left in her wake.
“Twilight! Please! What’s wrong?” My breathing was ragged and my heart ached. Though my lack of restraint helped me keep pace with the little horse, it had practically shredded my lungs. Twilight Sparkle finally stopped at the crest of a blue-and-purple hill. Around us, the world was falling apart like wet newspaper, but all I could see were the tears on my friend's cheeks.
“Please…” Her voice was weak, “Leave me alone…” I blinked, uncomprehending.
“Say what? You know I can’t do that.”
“Please.”
“No! There’s still a battle going on and we’re going to win it! Now get your horn out of your (plot) so we can move onto the finale. Buffalo ballerinas are only funny the first eight times you see them, and if you haven’t noticed yet, I think Discord’s getting a little more malicious as time goes on.” It was true. In the last two minutes, I’d noticed at least three separate games of ‘the floor is lava’ and one pony whose legs galloped off without her.
“Why did you follow me?” Twilight fought to steady her breathing.
“Didn’t I just answer that? The world needs you. Celestia needs you. And I’m going to be a big cheese stick and say I need you too. Now come on, your friends need your help, Twilight Sparkle.”
“They don’t need my help.” She whispered.
“BAHAHAHA!- Was that out loud? What I meant to say was, how could you say that? Or did you forget that this is all the result of a curse? You know this isn’t the real them!”
“Do I?” The unicorn spun around on me with sudden fury.
“Um…?” My eyes darted from side-to-side. “Is this a trick question?”
“I thought I knew my friends, Mark! I thought I knew you! But all it took was a little curse and all of a sudden you’re only too glad to explain how you’ve been lying about your homeland this entire time!”
“You’re still mad about that?”
“Still mad!? You lied to me!”
“No I didn’t. Yes, I did. No, I really didn’t. About most things…”
“What else have you been hiding? Hm?” Twilight Sparkle seethed like a great grey cauldron.
“Only things to keep you and the rest of this world safe!” I retorted.
“From what?” She stamped her hoof.
“I can’t tell you!” I stomped my foot.
“What’s two plus two?”
“Four! Wait, why did you ask me-”
“What’s your favorite color?”
“Blue! But I occasionally go for red if it’s dark enough. Twilight, I don’t think-”
“Why did you become my friend?”
“Because I knew you wouldn’t turn me away. Stop it! This isn’t funny-”
“Why did you come to Ponyville?”
“Because I had nowhere else to go!” Then it dawned on me, she was using my knee-jerk reactions to test me, interrogate me, to finally get a straight answer out of me. I felt a moment of anger that my own friend would take advantage of my disability like that, but worse, I felt panic that she was getting dangerously close to my ‘forbidden’ secrets. I would have started howling ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ right then and there, but it was already too late. I couldn’t stop myself from answering her last question. It was only one word,
“How often do you lie to me?”
“Daily.”
Even without my inhibition, the hilltop fell into silence. Twilight Sparkle stared up at me, but I had no reaction. My mind was completely blank. I had just proved her point. Slowly, the wheels in my head started up again, but all that came out was a long-drawn-out,
“(Sugar Honey Ice Tea)…”
“I thought I knew my friends…” Twilight shook her head, eyes filling with tears again. “I thought I knew myself. But it was all a lie… Everything was a lie…” She broke away and trotted down the hill. My feet remained rooted in place.
I was alone. Truly and completely alone. What little control I thought I had over the episode vanished like mist in the dawn. Without Twilight Sparkle on my side, there was no way to rescue the other characters from the darkness. Without my friends, I was powerless to enforce a ‘happy ending’. Without their friendship, there was nothing to stand against Discord.
“We… lost?” I stared out over what used to be Ponyville. Now it was just a wasteland of chaos. Trees played tag with each other, a choir of soccer balls was singing ‘At the Gala’, and Screwball was canoeing up into the sky via a vertical river. I didn’t see any of it. All I saw was Discord’s victory, not over Equestria, but over the souls that dared to oppose him.
Score: Friendship- zilch, Discord- 1.
My feet began drifting back into the nightmarescape, but I wasn’t consciously commanding them. There was nowhere to go. I had failed my mission. I had failed my new home. For the second time that day, I had failed my friends. I realized that half of the betrayal Twilight Sparkle now suffered had been directly inflicted by yours truly. By participating in this episode, by being her friend, I had added to her grief and made this episode worse than the one I knew.
Above me, great purple bolts of lightning began to tear at the cotton candy clouds, leaving bright green scars of fire behind. With each clap of thunder, I could imagine Discord laughing at me. However, as much as I wished a whale would fall on me and end my moping, life had other plans for me. As I peered through the bouncy, swaying buildings around me, I caught a glimpse of something strange. Granted, it was hard for anything to be truly ‘strange’ in a world where waffle bull frogs hunted flies made out of butter patties (butterflies), but I still wouldn’t have expected to see a hot air balloon trying to sneak down an alley. That was a different kind of strange.
Despite a second and third glance, the mysterious object remained, a large purple orb of canvass was winding its way through the wobbly buildings. As I approached it, I realized that it was the Twinkling Balloon (the one from the opening sequence), being cautiously led through town by,
“Cherry Berry?”
“Who’s there?” The pink earth pony spun around quick as a wink, her eyes wide behind a pair of large goggles.
“It’s me, Mark.” I held up my hands pacifyingly.
“Mark? Really? Or are you another one of those jelly-filled doppelgangers?”
“No, those are back down Whistling Reed Road, chasing Rarity’s mom.”
“Really?” Cherry Berry lifted her goggles and adjusted the balloon’s tether in her mouth.
“Really.”
“Then tell me something only Mark would know.” She challenged.
“Seriously?” I laughed dryly. “You mean aside from the fact that you’re the owner of that oversized gas bag you’re toting around? Aside from the fact that you make your living ferrying ponies and their groceries up to the pegasus houses? Aside from the fact that I like renting your balloon over the weekend to explore the area around Ponyville? Aside from that touching heart-to-heart conversation you and I had about being born to fly, but earthbound?”
“All right! You’re Mark.”
“Aside from the fact that you act like a money-grubbing mercenary, but it’s really just a cover for the fact that you’re a starry-eyed filly who never grew out of her dreams of living above the clouds?” Cherry Berry stared at me with a cockeyed expression.
“Have you always been that loose-lipped with my secrets?”
“It’s a curse.” I shrugged. “No, really, Discord took away my inhibition. As of now, you’re talking to Mark and every other voice in my head.”
“So he messed you up as well.” Cherry Berry flicked her golden tail angrily. “How’s that working out?”
“Oh, it’s not so bad. Apart from the fact that I inadvertently betrayed my friends, tore their hearts out, poisoned their trust and may or may not have doomed the world, it’s peachy. At least I’m finally honest about it. And I can sing. I was just as surprised as anypony about that one.”
“I see…”
“Yeah…” We stared at each other for a moment. “So, how are you holding up? Weird day?”
“I just got eaten by a house seven times and the only reason why it stopped hunting me was because it realized I could walk out the back door. How do you think I feel?”
“Like a poop?”
“I’d say it’s been a rough day, yeah.” Cherry Berry peered at me and added, “But I think you win this round.”
“What do you mean?”
“Your eyes are still red from crying.” She pointed a hoof at my chocolate-stained cheeks.
“Oh…” I instinctively turned away.
“What happened?” Her voice was unusually soft.
“Twilight Sparkle and I got into a fight. Because of the curse, she found out that I haven’t been completely honest with her about a few things.”
“I won’t force you to explain, but I can tell you right now that you had that coming!”
“And now I don’t think our friendship is going to recover from that.” I looked back down the street to where a couple monkeys were playing curling with tortoises. “And I don’t know what we’re going to do now.”
“You’re going to snap out of it is what you’re going to do!” The edge returned to Cherry Berry’s voice. “You and that little band of friends of yours are the only thing that can stop this craziness. Or do you want to explain to the entire population of Ponyville that they’re toast? Maybe literally.”
“It’s not that simple.” I tried to explain.
“Then make it simple!” The mare stamped a hoof. “Fight!”
At her command, something sparked inside of me. For as long as I could remember, I’d been fed tales about heroes who’d overcome despair. Via movies, books, and TV shows, I’d watched a thousand heroes from a thousand stories pull themselves up from the dust. I’d seen a thousand victims become champions because they had the strength to lift their heads. A thousand average people became legends because they dared to foster a spark of hope in the darkest days. I knew I was a poor excuse for a hero, but I owed it to myself to still fight for what I believed in.
And I believed in my friends.
“Ok…” I nodded.
“Ok?” The earth pony looked up through her eyebrows.
“Ok!” I flexed my fists. “I’ll fight.”
“You’ll fight?”
“Even if it's all I'm good for, I’ll fight. Cherry Berry! Where are you going with that balloon?” I jabbed a finger at the encapsulated cloud above me.
“Anywhere but here.” She blinked at my sudden change in topic. “But I’m trying to get it to Cinnamon Street. There’s a family there trying to get to Cloudsdale.”
“Hold off on that run!” I snapped. “I’m going to need to rent your balloon.”
“What? It’s first-come-first serve. You know that.”
“I will pay you in many cold hard money to rent your balloon!” This piqued the pink pony’s attention.
“You’d have to double-”
“Tripple! Quadruple!”
“You’ll pay much, now?” Cherry Berry’s eyebrows shot straight up.
“Any money! All the money!” A manic smile spread over my face. “As many money as there is! It’s no object!”
“Careful, now.” She grinned slyly. “I just might take you up on that offer.”
“Oh, you’re a conniving, miserly little bit-biter and I love you!” I gave her a quick hug and a sharp kiss on the cheek. I didn’t even care that she was taking advantage of the situation.
“Well, if that’s what you want-”
“Just hide it in the forest. Over by Rainbow Dash’s place, preferably.” I thought for a moment. “And throw in some extra rigging for a bonus!”
“Hard to give a bonus when you’re promised me everything.” Cherry Berry muttered. “Hmm… Alright, how about this for a bonus?”
“Oh?”
“Yes. Answer truthfully. Do you have a crush on me?”
“Ew! No way!”
“Glad to hear it.” Cherry Berry tugged on her rope and carefully pulled the Twinkling Balloon down the street. She called back, “But what am I supposed to tell my other clients? They still need to escape Discord!” A wicked grin blossomed across my face.
“Don’t worry. By the end of the day, there won’t be any Discord to escape from.”
I found Twilight Sparkle moping in what used to be a park. The green rolling hills where the girls’ pets used to frolic had been transformed into piles of ice cream and/or warped checkerboards. My timing couldn’t have been any better. Discord, in all his thousand-year-old immaturity, had finally finished gloating over the little pony. He had just left her to her thoughts, letting her wander aimlessly, when I arrived. She was as physically alone as she was emotionally. But not for long,
“Twilight Sparkle!” My voice boomed over the sherbet hillsides. “I’m here to fight for our friendship!”
“Mark?” Her voice sounded distant and her eyes were clouded and glassy. “What are you doing here?”
“I just told you! And don’t try and talk me out of it because I’ve had Aviator’s ‘Never Back Down’ running in my head for the past five minutes and now I’m as jacked up as Applejack with a bottle of Jack Daniels sittin’ on a car jack!”
“Just stop.” She shook her head and continued walking. “I don’t want to talk right now.”
“Then listen.” I slid down the icy slope and stood in the mare’s path. “I’ll be the first to take the humble pie-to-the-face and admit that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I lied to you and I’m sorry that I’m an obnoxious, insensitive, selfish, and manipulative jerk. But you know what? At least it can be said that I’m stubborn, and I’m not giving up on you yet.”
“But I don’t want to see you anymore. I just want to be alone.”
“No… you really don’t…” I grimaced. “Do you know how I can tell? Because I’ve been there. Ten years, Twilight. For ten years, I had no real friends. No one to talk with, joke with, or cry with. I lost all my friends during the middle school years. They moved away, or went to a different school or simply stopped talking and I, in my weakness, let them go. I never made any more friends, and you know what that resulted in? Ten years of walking through the (Buy some apples!)iest years of my life alone! I know what a life without friends feels like and I know you do too.”
“I…”
“That’s why I’m standing here, because I refuse abandon you back to that life. The life of a recluse. You can hate me, never forgive me, hold a grudge against me, I don’t care! But I will be six feet in the (freak)ing ground before I forfeit my friend to that kind of hell! Not this time. I didn’t have the courage to fight for my friendships on Earth, but I won’t make that mistake here.”
“If this is friendship, then why does it hurt so much?” Crystal rivers were flowing from Twilight’s lavender eyes. I reached out to wipe them away, but my own vision was rapidly blurring.
“You feel that ache? You feel that coldness? You feel that pain? It hurts, right? But it tells you something very important. It lets you know you’re not dead yet! The hollowness means you’ve lost something, but the longing means that you want to get it back. Yes, it’s hard, but some things are worth fighting for.”
“Mark… what could we possibly have left to fight for?” She whispered. Fire flashed like lightning in my eyes as I pulled myself up to my full height.
“A certain orange ninja once taught me that if something is precious, you protect it, with both arms. And a certain purple unicorn once taught me that there’s nothing more precious than friendship. So, I know I’m stealing a page from your book, but I’ll say it again, I’m here to fight for our friendship!” Twilight Sparkle broke eye contact with me and swept her gaze over the ruins of Ponyville.
“But everything’s gone. My home, my library, my friends. I’m losing them…” She shook her head in despair. “What will I do?...”
I wasn’t making much progress, but in that moment, a tiny Japanese fashion designer leapt out of my throat with her words of wisdom,
“What are you talking about?” My eyes narrowed.
“Hm?”
“You are Elastigirl! My god! Pull yourself together!” My friend was forced to dodge a barrage of slaps. “’What will you do?’ What is this? Is-is-is this a question!? You will show him that you remember that he is Mr. Incredible and you will remind him who YOU are! Well, you know where he is, go! Confront the problem! Fight! Win!” I towered over my friend like a fanatic tree while she shrunk back, clearly questioning my sanity. “And call me when you get back, darling, I enjoy our visits.”
“Um…”
“Come with me!” I seized Twilight by her precious horn and dragged her to her hooves.
“Ow! Hey! Mark? Hey!”
I pulled her halfway across town like that, dragging her to the library with all the grace and poise of a parent dragging their kid to the dentist’s. Only once did I break my pace and that was to smash a grocery store’s window and steal a bottle of ginger ale.
“Because I like ginger ale.” I explained. “And I’m totally not lying.”
Finally, we rounded the last street and walked right through the gaping hole in the side of the Golden Oak Library. Around us, the day shifted to a lumbering darkness.
“There’s no use talking with you, is there?” Twilight Sparkle shook herself free and ruefully rubbed her horn.
“Nope!” I stood in the former doorway and crossed my arms.
“Whatever…” The grey unicorn removed the Element of Harmony from her forehead and slowly meandered upstairs. “Pack your things, Spike, we’re leaving.”
Instead of the voice of her enthusiastic little assistant, however, a half-dead groan wafted through the library. Twilight ignored it,
“And don’t ask where we’re going, ‘cause I don’t know yet. Just not here.”
“Can’t… move.” The stomach-twisting voice came again. “The princess…. Has been sending these… since I came back upstairs!” The little dragon was writhing in his basket, clutching his gut. His face was a stunning shade of green and even as he spoke, a ball of magic fire rose up in his chest and escaped in a hearty belch. A parchment letter, sealed with Twilight Sparkle's signet, coalesced from the flames and dropped onto a veritable mountain of identical missives. Spike cried, “Make it stop!”
Finally, an emotion other than depression crossed Twilight’s face. Curious, she plucked a letter off the pile with her magic and flipped it open. Her expression deepened as she muttered,
“These are all the letters I’ve written to the princess since I’ve lived in Ponyville. But… why would she send them back?”
“Because ‘time’s ability to numb memories is the greatest enemy of a long life, and being forgotten is a fate worse than death’.” I whispered to myself. Silently, I mounted the stairs as well and watched as my friend began to read her letters.
First it was just the one, then she opened another and another. Soon, she had a stream of paper flowing before her eyes, each one igniting a memory, each one echoing with the inspiration that forged them. Before long, a rippling wave of color began to encroach upon her grey hide. Little-by-little, letter-by-letter, Twilight Sparkle’s tail gleamed purple again, then her hooves, then her neck, and finally her eyes.
“… Everypony has a special magical connection with her friends. Maybe even before she’s met them… Spike! Spike, it’s all so clear!” The purple unicorn dropped her letter as a massive grin lit up her cheeks. “Can’t you see? Discord’s trying to distract us from what’s important. He knows how powerful our friendships are, and she’s trying to keep us from seeing it. Do you remember what I said the first day we arrived in Ponyville? I told you that the future of Equestria didn’t rest on me making friends, but the opposite it true! The friendships I’ve made since I’ve been here are what saved Equestria from Nightmare Moon, and now they need to save it from Discord!” She swept the little dragon up out of his bed and spun him around and around.
“Uuuhhh…” Spike’s eyes drifted in separate directions.
“You’re right, Spike. I’ve got to fight for my friendships. For them. For me. For Equestria!” She glanced over to where I was watching her, salty waterfalls cascading down my face. “Oh, Mark…”
“Ah, gawd!” I bawled, “Is my face leaking again?” I blew saline snot into my sleeve, my whole existence little more than an emotional train wreck of joy. And yet, Twilight didn’t seem to care.
“Thank you...” She held Spike and I in her forelegs. I held her back, feeling as if my heart would burst from the emotions welling up inside, but unwilling to let go. The sound of Spike gurgling brought me out of the moment, however.
“Um, Twilight? I think Spike needs to rest now. Unless you want to shampoo vomit out of your mane.”
“Oh… uh… Why don’t you just stay here and rest?” Twilight tucked the little dragon back into his bed before turning back towards the door. “Mark and I’ll take care of the whole fighting for friendship thing ourselves.”
“Oh! And here’s a totally-random and completely-spontaneous thing I just thought of.” I popped open the bottle of ginger ale with a hiss. “Take this, buddy. It’ll help you feel better. You did good today.”
With that, Twilight Sparkle and I trotted back out of the library. The night fell away and a blinding pink landscape lay before us. Yet somehow, the world of chaos didn’t look quite as imposing as when I viewed it alone.
“Do you have a plan?” I asked my friend.
“Find my friends, find the Elements, beat Discord!”
“Now that sounds like a plan. Where should we start?”
“No idea!” She declared. “But I’m as jacked up as Applejack with a bottle of something-jack, something, something jack! Even if I don’t know what that means!”
“Fair enough. Follow me!” I began running towards a patch of chaos formerly referred to as Sweet Apple Acres. “In order to get your friends back, we’re going to need muscle and rope. Both of which can be found in Applejack, but she’s currently occupied spinning tall tales and un-eating apples.”
“She’s what?”
“You’ll see. Have you got a way to cut through Discord’s curse? Somehow share the same epiphany you just had in the library?”
“I think so.” Twilight frowned. “I’ve got an idea, but I’ll need to actually touch her.”
“Fair enough. At least Applejerk isn’t violent.”
Ground zero for Discord’s weirdness was looking just as strange as I remembered from the show. Complete with apples the size of beach balls, herds of flying pigs and entire fields of popcorn, I only wished that I could have seen the look on AJ’s face when the chaos hit. Big Macintosh was digging holes in the ground like some oversized dog while Granny Smith was caught tap-dancing incessantly. A part of me was glad that Applebloom didn’t have to see her family in that condition. True to my ‘prediction’, the Element of Honesty herself was leaning up against the barn house, diligently biting, chewing, and swallowing a pile of apples. Not necessarily in that order, mind you.
“Applejack!” Twilight Sparkle called out. “I’m here to fight for our friendship!” The little unicorn’s bold announcement might have been more inspiring if Big Mac hadn’t burst out of the ground at her hooves and slobbered her with a giant dog kiss.
“Hey, Big Mac. How're you- OH MY HOLY HELL DUCKIN-GEE-HILACIOUS MUSHROOM BALLS WITH WHAT-IN-TARTARUS SAUCE! Twilight! I just had a Fullmetal Alchemist moment!”
“What? What’s that mean?” My friend looked at me with panic.
“It means whatever you do, don’t try and find Winona.” Big Mac wagged his tail expectantly.
“Oh, now you want to fight.” Applejerk glowered at Twilight. “Where were you when I was battlin’ Discord?”
“… Seriously?” I looked down at Twilight Sparkle as she glanced up at me. Together, we nodded and quickly pinned Applejack to the ground.
“Snap out of it. This isn’t you! You’re not a liar.” A burst of inspiration lit up the unicorn’s horn as she gently touched its point to her friend’s forehead. Even as I watched, Applejack’s expression went from defiant, to confused, to remorseful as the curse was pierced and a flood of the earth pony’s own memories burst free. The veil of grey that had consumed her burnt away, leaving a bright orange and slightly dazed girl in its wake.
“Wh-what happened?” Applejack sat up, shaking her head. Twilight was rubbing her horn as well, but didn’t look harmed in any way. Meanwhile, I was rubbing tears from my eyes.
“I’m not crying! There’s a ninja nearby cutting up onions!” I sniffed.
“Twilight!” The earth pony pulled her hat off her head and hid her face behind it. “I saw a vision of us feudin’ and fightin’. I couldn’t face the truth, so I started tellin’ lies. Can you ever forgive me?”
“That’s not fair! How could we possibly say no when she looks that cute?” I wailed. Twilight Sparkle touched my elbow reassuringly and stepped towards her friend.
“I already have. Come on!”
“We’re on a mission from God!” I declared, suddenly wishing I had a black Trilby, a pair of sunglasses and a piece of toasted white bread.
“Where are we goin’?” Applejack queried.
“Fluttershy’s house is closest. AJ, bring your rope!”
It wasn’t long before we left the freak farm and found ourselves at the door of the nuthouse. Fluttershy’s cottage was almost unrecognizable without all the animals in it. Bracing ourselves for a severe tongue-thrashing, violent practical joke, or both, I knocked on the little house.
“Oh… way to make me regret answering the door.” Fluttershy wrinkled her nose when she caught sight of us. The pegasus tried to slam the entrance, but I stopped it with my foot.
“Well, hi there! Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior of the Pony franchise, Lauren Faust?” I flashed a broad grin.
“What do you guys want?”
“We’re looking for Fluttershy.” I explained.
“You use those eyes for decoration or something? I’m right here.” The grey pony leered at my foot.
“Oh, no, see, I think you misunderstood. I said ‘Fluttershy’, not ‘Flutter(beech)’.” Me and my big mouth. What took up all of three seconds in-episode was prolonged into a thirty-second wrestling match. Somehow, Applejack and I got the pegasus trussed up like a turkey and Twilight could work in relative peace. As soon as her creamy yellow color returned, Fluttershy cried,
“Oh no! Twilight, Applejack, I just had the worst dream!”
“Yeah… sure… we’ll go with that story…” I griped, tenderly nursing a new black eye. It was still impossible to tell if she, or Applejack, were aware of what their alternate selves had done.
Next up was Rarity. The silly girl had holed herself up in her boutique with her titanic boulder like Gollum with his precious ring. One smashed window and a game of ‘king of the hill’ later and she was right as rain. Well, perhaps she was still a little shaken up from losing her heart to a chunk of earth, but she recovered her dignity remarkably quickly.
“Let us never speak of this again.” That was all she said after quietly removing Tom from her boutique and unceremoniously rolling him down a hill. Another ‘rocky’ relationship was over and done with. (Still a better love story than Twilight.)
Pinkie Pie was remarkably easy to redeem. The hard part was getting her to stop laughing about it afterwards. Applejack had to load her onto a cart because the Pink Pony couldn’t walk without falling over from the snickers.
Then came Rainbow Dash’s turn.
“Uh? She’s not here.” Fluttershy reported as she glided back to the group. We all stood in a little huddle beneath Rainbow Dash’s floating sky house. The landscape around us was mostly untouched by Discord’s chaos, but nopony was in the mood to enjoy it just yet.
“Without Rainbow Dash, we can’t use the Elements.” Twilight fretted.
“She could be anywhere by now!” Applejack scanned the endless sky. “We’re never gonna find her…”
“Yeah we will. ‘Cause she’s right there!” Pinkie Pie jabbed a hoof at a tiny spot of shadow hovering above a grove of trees. A little spit of cloud, barely large enough to be a Marlboro sigh, sat motionless against the sky and on it lay Rainbow Dash herself.
“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight hollered.
“Hey, guys.” The wayward pegasus waved a dismissive hoof.
“We’ve been looking everywhere for you!”
“… That’s nice…”
“Discord’s still on the loose!” The unicorn pressed, “We need you to help us defeat him with your element, Loyalty!”
“Pfft! Loyalty, schmoyalty!” Rainbow Dash twisted around to look at us. “Have you guys seen Ponyville? It’s a disaster! I’m staying here in Cloudsdale where everything’s awesome.”
“It’s not enough that she’s not gonna budge from there, but now I’ve got that song from The Lego Movie stuck in my head.” An annoyed sigh escaped me.
“How in Equestria can she think that tiny patch of cloud is Cloudsdale?” Rarity critiqued. Applejack didn’t miss a beat,
“The same way he got you to think that cheap rock was a bona fide diamond?”
“I thought we agreed never to speak of that again...” The white unicorn lowered her voice.
“But… How do we convince her to come down?” Fluttershy asked.
“Hey, guys, look what I found!” Pinkie Pie leapt out of a nearby patch of trees. She held a thick rope in her mouth and was dragging none other than the Twinkling Balloon behind her. It bobbed lazily in the sunlight.
“Pinkie? Where did you get that?” Applejack looked up at the aircraft in surprise.
“Well, I was just minding my own business when all of a sudden I saw a giant purple thing behind the trees and I thought, ‘Oh my gosh! It’s another dinosaur!’ but then I thought, ‘He could use a hug.’ but then I saw that it was a balloon and I thought, ‘Maybe somepony left a pudding in there and it needs to be eaten right away.’, but when I looked, there was only a bunch of rope and so I thought, ‘Oh well, no pudding.’, and started walking back when I got this crazy-super-lucky-awesome-amazi-tastical idea like, ‘Hey! We could use a balloon to reach Rainbow Dash.’, and so I went and untied it and came back and said, ‘Hey, guys, look what I found!’ and then Applejack said, ‘Pinkie? Where did you get that?’ and so I said,-”
“Thank you, Pinkie!” I cut her off. “This looks like just what we need.”
“Time for ‘Plan B’.” Twilight Sparkle smiled back up at Rainbow Dash.
“Seems pretty convenient…” Rarity looked up at the balloon with a leery expression.
“It’s Pinkie logic. Don’t question it.” I shrugged.
“Granted.” The white unicorn trotted over to the rest of the group as Twilight began to outline her plan to recover Rainbow Dash. I was about to join them when Pinkie Pie tapped my arm and said,
“I also found this letter for you, Mark. Not sure what it’s for.”
“A letter?” I took the proffered envelope and turned it over. Sure enough, it had my name on the front. I ripped it open only to find myself staring at a massive bill written in Cherry Berry’s penmanship.
“What does it say?” Pinkie Pie popped up behind my shoulder.
“Nothing!” I shoved the document and its envelope into my mouth. I hastily muttered, “All your talk about pudding made me hungry…”
“Can’t blame you for that, but nopony eats paper. Well, I’m trying to quit…” The pink pony pranced away. “Tra-la-la-la-laa…”
“Okay, Fluttershy,” Twilight Sparkle looked up at the balloon, “you grab Rainbow Dash and hold her down. Applejack will lower me down from the rope so I can cast the memory spell on her.”
“Got it!” Fluttershy nodded.
“Uhh… I don’t like it.” I piped up. “We’re relying on the gentlest pony in town to physically restrain the most athletic mare in Equestria?”
“Do you have a better idea?” Twilight asked. I had to admit that I didn’t, but my mind instantly began to search for alternatives. Even though everything turned out fine in the episode, Rainbow Dash’s rescue was an admittedly illogical scene. Even with two ponies dragging her down, I found it hard to believe that Rainbow Dash could be outflown by Fluttershy dragging a balloon. I was still turning things over in my head as everypony boarded the Twinkling Balloon and quietly rose into the sky.
“Ba! Ha-baba. Ha-babeda-gabda. Ha-baba-bad-bdaga…” I sat in the floor of the basket, mindlessly playing with a length of cord and imitating a dachshund flying a plane. Rarity and Twilight Sparkle waited with bated breath as Fluttershy guided our craft slowly and silently towards Rainbow Dash’s private cloud. Applejack stood on the top of the balloon, once more reinforcing my theory that these aircraft weren’t using the same technology as their Earth counterparts. Only Pinkie Pie was paying any mind to my ramblings.
“He’s so funny. Can we keep him?” She giggled.
“… only this time, it’s like Rainbow Dash is the pony of wisdom and Twilight’s the one making barking sounds, but I’m making barking sounds, so that doesn’t work either. That was one of those videos where I finished it and I was like, ‘the heck did I just watch?’. Kind of like a smaller version of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, where I finished it and I was like, ‘the heck did I just read?’. But when I alluded to my opinion in a FIMfic that I wrote, everybody was all, ‘er mah gursh, you can’t diss on Hitchhikers’, and I was like, ‘why not?’, but later I re-read a section of the book over my co-worker’s shoulder one day and started busting up, and that’s when I realized that it was meant to be a collection of shorter funny scenes and that you weren’t supposed to take the plot seriously…”
“I completely agree…” Pinkie Pie shook her head, smiling.
“… but Borderlands was so off-the-wall I just didn’t care. Shoot a guy with a four-barreled shotgun? Why not! Drive a car that throws flaming sawblades? Sure! But the mecromancer was totally O. P., and her ‘Discord’ skill practically broke the game. But in a good way, not like our Discord who’s O. P. in a bad way. I don’t ship, but is it weird that if I did, I’d ship Dislestia? They’re just so cute! But, I mean cute like-gmph! Mmhmmph m-fmph-pmph!” Pinkie Pie pressed a hoof to my lips to keep me from talking. Our balloon was now right above Rainbow Dash and Operation: Loyalty was in full-swing. A very bad thought hit me and I scooped up one of Applejack’s spare lassoes.
“Hmm, phmph-fumphuu? Phmph-fumphuu?” I pulled away the pink pony’s hoof. “Hey, Twilight?”
“Hmm?” Twilight Sparkle didn’t take her eyes off Rainbow Dash.
“I just realized that I shouldn’t be flying in my condition.”
“Why?”
I leapt over the edge of the basket.
“Because I’m adding some ‘Plan Z’ to your ‘Plan B’.”
“Mark!” Rarity squeaked.
My stomach rose into my throat as my body entered free fall and the air pulled at my shirt like a thousand invisible hands, but I felt no fear. Instead, my mind became incredibly clear and the world around me seemed to slow as my brain shot into overdrive. My fingers tightened on my lasso as I fell towards the grey pegasus like a falcon.
“Hi,RainbowDash!Bye,RainbowDash!” I didn’t even have to aim. I simply held the rope out as I fell past her.
“Zzz-huh?” The pegasus opened her eyes just as the rope snapped shut around her body. With a stifled cry of surprise, she fell through her cloud, completely shattering the faux city.
Together, the two of us fell like a pair of comets. I fastened my end of the rope around my arm while Rainbow Dash spun in wild circles above me like a kit caught in a tornado. My lasso had clamped firmly around her waist, but had also pinned one grey wing to her side. The unforgiving world of Equestria was rapidly rising up to meet us as Rainbow Dash kicked and struggled to free her feathery limb.
Finally, just as I reached the uppermost boughs of the trees, my ‘parachute’ snapped both wings open. The sudden deceleration almost ripped my arm out of its socket and tore a long burn across my skin, but I didn’t let go. I held on as stubbornly as an anchor while the irate Rainbow Dash tried to climb back into the sky. For the first time since my arrival, I was glad I was larger than my friends. Try as she might, Rainbow Dash couldn’t lift me back upwards, but she could sure try and scrape me off in the trees. She wove back and forth, swinging me like George of the Jungle through a group of tall pines.
Not having inhibitions came with its perks. I wouldn’t say that jumping out of a balloon was one of them, but the ability to shrug off pain was. I snapped through two branches before finally stopping on a third. I doubled over the piece of living wood, fairly certain that I had a broken rib or two, but smiling with a grim excitement.
“It’s over!” I roared, looping the rope around the branch.
“Let me go!” She hollered. “You’re destroying Cloudsdale!”
“And you’re destroying Ponyville!” I retorted. “Don’t you think that’s a fair trade?”
Apparently not. Rainbow Dash turned in the air and shot straight towards me. She knocked me off my perch and would have thrown me all the way down to the ground if I hadn’t caught her in a guillotine choke. Together, we slowly fell lower and lower until we finally touched grass. My face felt swollen from all the cuts she gave me and I tasted iron in my mouth, but I maintained my hold on Rainbow’s neck.
“Get! Off!” With one final kick, the pegasus shattered my hold and pulled free. Steam poured from her nostrils as she glared at me. I tried to move, but my body felt sluggish. I was reaching the end of what I was physically capable of. Dash, on the other hand, was fresh enough to fight three more rounds. Suddenly, a loop of rope sailed through the air and caught the unsuspecting pegasus around her neck.
“Got ‘er!” Applejack cheered. Above us, Fluttershy was dragging the Twinkling Balloon down to earth as fast as her little wings could flap. Rainbow Dash turned her rage onto the orange earth pony and charged at her like a missile.
“Nope!” I dove forward and gripped the lasso that still hung from the pegasus’s waist. I gurgled, “Rainbow Douche, you’re under arrest!”
Within a few seconds, and with the aid of two more ropes, Rainbow Dash was nothing more than a raging, bucking horse strung up under more security than Phogoth from Destiny.
“Let me go!” She screamed. “I don’t need you guys! Leave me alone!”
Twilight Sparkle stepped forward, took a deep breath, and bowed her head. Her radiant purple horn alighted on Dash’s sweaty brow and buried them in a vibrant bath of magic. The shadows fell away from the pegasus’s hide and Rainbow Dash once more claimed the title of ‘most color-diverse pony’. She wobbled on her hooves and muttered,
“Wh-what happened?” All of a sudden, her eyes became sober and sharp. “How’s Ponyville? Where are the Elements!? Did we stop Discord?”
Everypony breathed a sigh of relief as they buried their bewildered buddy under a blanket of bear hugs.
“Nice to have you back, Dash.” I smiled.
“Back? Where did I go? And did you lose a fight with a blender or something?” Rainbow Dash’s pink eyes swept over my face and limbs.
“More like a tornado.” I tried to laugh, but a sharp pain stabbed my chest like a knife. “Ow! Bucky-balls! That smarts!”
“Hold on! Don’t move.” Twilight pointed her aura at me like a flashlight. Her spell closed my cuts and (apparently) set my rib back in place, but I still felt swollen everywhere. “How could you have been so reckless?”
“It takes a special kind of bonehead to do what you just did, Mark.” Applejack tipped her hat to me. “But I guess I can’t complain if you're our special bonehead. We’re safe now.”
“Everybody loves a bad idea when it works.” I stretched my arms. “But I wouldn’t say we’re safe quite yet…”
I gestured behind me to a line of tutu-clad bison. The girls watched the creatures prance past with wide eyes.
“Maybe it’s a little early for a group hug.” Twilight agreed.
With our spirits rallied and the Elements of Harmony reassembled, our fellowship pressed into the heart of Discord’s chaos storm. Ponyville was all but gone, with only the random floating building or twisted landmark to serve as a semblance of what had been. We were officially in the belly of the chaos capital of the world, a place where illusion had more merit than reality, fact was a matter of opinion, and space-time was as splotchy as a paintball arena. The closer we pressed towards Discord’s throne, the more twisted the world became.
What I first took to be large floating panes of glass proved to be fragments in Equestria’s dimensional fabric. The simple act of walking straight proved impossible, as space warped like water, sending us left, then right, upside-down and back upon ourselves. Pinkie Pie took advantage of the fractured world to play tag between her front half and her back half while I found myself walking around both sides of a tree at once. Above everything, the churning cotton candy storm flickered with blue fire, dropping embers like snow. Discord was getting bored with his napkin doves and lollipop flowers and would soon be moving onto more malicious forms of entertainment.
Finally, at the eye of the storm, we found the spirit of chaos and disharmony sitting in his imposing throne. Discord laughed throatily as the world around him crumbled like old cheese. Shards of reality popped like glass above him and gravity itself was as aimless as jellyfish. We had walked in on a banquet of self-satisfaction thousands of years in the making and Discord was enjoying every crumb of it.
“Chaos is a wonderful, wonderful thing.” He gloated, manifesting a glass cup and filling it, (top to bottom) with chocolate milk rain. Just as he was about to toast himself, though, Twilight’s voice cut through the churning air,
“Not as wonderful as friendship!”
Discord’s yellow eyes snapped open as he looked down at his unexpected guests. Six girls, their eyes alight with defiance, stood in his court, each one wearing a blazing Element. Behind them, a grim human stood flexing its fists and humming ‘One Winged Angel’.
“Oh, this again?” The lord of chaos scoffed. Discord nonchalantly finished drinking his glass and threw away the remaining cylinder of milk, which exploded a la Michael Bay. He glanced down at the ponies with an easy smile on his lips, “Now, I’ve never claimed to have a photographic memory, but I’m fairly certain I’ve seen this one before.”
The draconequus framed one eye with his claws and made a clicking sound. His pupil flashed and a polaroid picture slid out of his mouth. As it fluttered to the ground, I saw that it was a picture of Twilight Sparkle shouting at her friends in front of the Golden Oak Library. The moment Harmony was vanquished.
“Aren’t you getting a little ahead of yourself?” I retorted. “This time, we don’t have to deal with your false personas. Despite everything you’ve thrown at us, we still beat you at your little game!”
“That’s right.” Applejack stomped. “You couldn’t break apart our friendship for long.”
“Oh, Applejack, don’t lie to me.” Discord lifted a claw and immediately, the orange pony fell upwards. “I’m the one who made you a liar. False persona? I set you all free.” Soon, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and even myself were lifted into the air and gathered like a bunch of orbiting fireflies above Discord’s open palm. His great yellow eyes peered at us accusingly.
“I thought you liked hiding behind your words Applejack.” He continued. “Rarity, Fluttershy, what was it like thinking for yourself for a change? Pinkie Pie, you and I both know that the world isn’t a funny place. Rainbow Dash, why fight for others when you’re so much better without them dragging you down?”
“Shut up!” I bellowed. “You lie!”
“And you.” The great amber orbs turned on me like a pair of black holes. “As I recall, you actually enjoyed coming clean with Twilight Sparkle. What’s the matter? Secrets rotting your bones? Yet, you still refuse to admit who you really are. All of you. Will you ever learn?”
There was a sudden burst of purple light and Twilight popped into existance amidst us. With a wave of her horn, a glimmering shell of light encapsulated us, cutting off Discord’s invisible grip. The lord of chaos watched with mild irritation as Twilight Sparkle gently carried us back to the relative stability of the ground. Where her hooves alighted, however, a patch of green grass appeared.
“I’ll tell you what we’ve learned, Discord.” The purple unicorn spoke up. “We’re learned that friendship isn’t always easy. But there’s no doubt it’s worth fighting for.”
“Eug! Gag!” Discord rolled his eyes and stuck out his tongue with all the maturity of a toddler. “Fine, go ahead. Try and use your little Elements. ‘Friend’ me. Just make it quick!” He gestured up at the boiling sky and the flocks of octopuses therein. “I’m missing some excellent chaos here.”
“All right, ladies. Let’s show him what friendship can do!” Twilight smiled confidently.
“Hold onto your butts.” A shiver of excitement ran down my spine.
“Wait! Wait! Wait!” Pinkie Pie brought our emotional momentum to a screeching halt. Everyone glanced over to see the pink pony basking in the downpour of a wayward cotton candy cloud. She noisily slurped the air with a satisfied grin.
“Ready to kick off this rodeo?” Applejack asked dryly.
In reply, Pinkie pounced into place beside her pals, lowered her legs and leveled a leer at Discord.
Twilight Sparkle ignited the Elements and a twinkling noise thickened the atmosphere. White magic billowed from the group of ponies, pressing back against the damage that Discord had done to the world. Perhaps the lord of chaos thought that the girls were merely bluffing. Perhaps he thought that his curse was still in effect. Perhaps he thought that he had introduced enough doubt and hurt between the girls that they would never be able to truly trust each other again. Or perhaps… Discord was really and truly wrong for the first time in his life.
Each Element puled with new life, each one flickering with the heartbeat of their wielders. Sparks of harmony coursed through the air, shooting towards the chaos throne like electricity down a wire. Slowly, their tempos began to match, slowly, their magic rose until it could be felt in the very ground, slowly, the ponies rose into the air.
“Huh. What’s this?” Discord’s eyes snapped open at the phenomina. He peered at Twilight Sparkle as her eyes filled with radiant starlight. He watched as their hearts became one unstoppable force. He watched as his hard-won victory slipped from between his claws. “No…” He gasped, his lithe body becoming ridged. “No!”
A pillar of flaming rainbow light burst up from the six girls like a fountain. It curved through the sky on an attack vector and crashed down upon the lord of chaos. His cries of defiance and fear were drowned out as the light of harmony swallowed him, sealing away his chaos and converting his twisted body to stone. Without his magic permeating the world, the Elements of Harmony were let loose upon the broken land. The ground rolled, the sky bowed, and mountains of ice cream boiled as a wave of healing light rushed through Equestria.
We were standing on grass.
“Phew…” I patted myself down. All my bruises had vanished and the girl’s coats were glossy and clean. The air smelled fresh and the horizon was back in its natural place. “Clean, fun, and makes you feel lucky to be alive, Harmony’s better than crack! Not that I would know from first-hand experience, of course…” Twilight opened her mouth to say something, but was interrupted by a dull thud. The statue of Discord fell helplessly to the grass with a familiar looking mask beside it.
“Thanks for all your help today, Mark.” The purple unicorn tenderly picked up my face and looked at it thoughtfully. “Even after everything we went through, after what I said to you, you still came through for us. You’re a hero.”
“Ha!” I scoffed. “You all are the heroes. I merely gave you an opening.”
“But it’s over now.” Twilight smiled up at me. “You must be exhausted after today, huh? Ready to go back to normal?”
I was, but perhaps I was too ready. In that moment, I let my guard down. I slipped,
“If you thought today was hard, then we’re not going to survive the season 4 finale.”
Twilight Sparkle slapped the mask back onto my face. There was a tingling sensation as it vanished, like rubbing alcohol, and then I was myself again. In a second, the world became more subdued, my eyes stopped darting around, and my fingers stopped twitching. I took a deep breath, relieved that my inner thoughts were once again back where they belonged.
Not long after that, Celestia took the opportunity to formally honor the girls for their heroism. All of Canterlot and most of Ponyville crowded into the castle as the princess of the sun formally introduced the citizens of Equestria to their six protectors. Celestia’s speech was short and concise, but full of pride in the girls, and at the end of it all, a new stained-glass window was unveiled, reciting the moment when Discord’s campaign of chaos was brought to a sudden, and rocky, end.
After the ceremony and the obligatory congratulations, Twilight Sparkle met me in the royal gardens. She found me staring up at the newest addition to the palace’s collection of statues, a long-bodied creature with mismatched limbs and a face covered in shock and incredulity.
“Hey…” She greeted.
“Hey.” I didn’t take my eyes off the statue. We stood for a moment in silence, looking up at the petrified draconequus. Finally, I offered, “That was a nice ceremony just now. Even Brave n’ Sure was there. Perhaps I should have introduced him to the princess or something. I think he deserves to be knighted.”
“Yeah…” Twilight sighed. “It felt a little weird, though, standing in front of all those ponies, and getting a window made of us…”
“You already had a window made of you.”
“Yes, but this time feels… different. Like, all those ponies think we’re their guardians now.”
“… Nervous?” I glanced down at Twilight.
“A little.”
“That’s good.”
“How?”
“It means you care. And don’t worry about all those important ponies suddenly taking an unhealthy interest in you. If there’s one thing Celestia is good at, it’s protecting you, and she’s very skilled at keeping unwanted attention away from her heroes.”
“Things aren’t going to be the same anymore are they?”
“No, they aren’t. And at the same time, nothing will change. You’re still you, your friends are still your friends, and that will never change as long as you stay true to who you are.”
“But are we ready for a responsibility like this?” Twilight laid her ears back nervously. The purple unicorn’s humility was inspiring, precious, even. Episode-by-episode, she was slowly growing into a princess. I patted her head and smiled.
“Celestia thinks so.” I consoled. “She knows there’s a time and a place for everything, and today was your day.”
“Kind of like your secrets?” Twilight Sparkle glanced up at me with shame in her eyes. “I wanted to say I’m sorry for using your curse against you like that.”
“It was going to come out eventually.” A shadow passed over my face. “I never wanted to lie to you about my home world, but can you see why I waited until we were friends to tell you?”
Twilight nodded.
“I think Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are going to want to talk to you about that. And, of course, myself, because if you’re really from another planet then you’d be the first phenomena of your kind! I mean, you’d confirm at least three different theses on trans-Equestrian life and debunk a half-dozen more!” She saw me thoughtfully chewing my tongue. “I mean… that is, if you want to talk about it. That is, if your loyalty to your home world requires secrecy, then-”
“My loyalty is to my friends.” I said flatly. “More than an ethnicity, nationality, or even species, this is as much my home as the world I left. I’d be glad to share whatever I can about Earth.”
“But… do you have any other terrifying secrets that you’d still like to keep secret?” Twilight laughed. My answer, in contrast, was as cold as steel.
“… Two.” I held up a pair of fingers.
“Oh…” My friend became sober once more.
“And this isn’t like the whole ‘carnivore’ scenario. I hate having to keep these things from you, Twilight, but you have to trust me when I say that you’re not ready yet. Just like your ceremony today, Celestia wouldn’t lay a burden on you unless she knew you had grown enough to carry it.”
“After all you’ve done for us, trusting you is the least I could do.” Twilight put a hoof on my hand. “And, for the record, I still feel bad about the ‘carnivore’ thing, but it made a good point. If you’re hurting yourself with these secrets, just know that you can always trust us to be there for you.”
“I’ll keep that in mind, thank you.” I tried to be supportive, but I’m afraid my tone may have been more on the dismissive side. How could I ever tell a friend that I’ve bled and cried with that she’s just a cartoon character? How could I ever reveal that there’s no reason Tirek should have let her live at the end of Season 4? I was weary from carrying these thoughts, like iron chains, around with me, but I had to carry them a bit longer. This world wasn’t ready for that information yet and may never be until the credits rolled.
“Come on.” Twilight pulled at my arm. “Let’s go home.”
“Sure.” I turned away from Discord’s statue, but not before the stony villain put in his two cents. A sound pulled at the back of my mind, a soft, measured laugh that pierced clean through my heart. It was so assured, so confident so irrefutable, and so perfectly cast for the moment that it almost didn’t even need to be there at all. A 9.5.
In that moment, all I knew was that he knew I knew this wasn’t over. Season 2 had begun, and from this point forward came some of the most dastardly and overwhelming foes the world had ever seen. And if Discord had taught me anything, it was how powerless I was to stop them.
I didn’t sleep well that night.