//------------------------------// // Chapter Nine: War, Space Marines, and Poker // Story: If The Emperor was in Equestria // by The Warmaster //------------------------------//    “So, Emperor, what do you want to learn about today? Or are you going to tell me about something of your past?” Twilight asked, walking into the Throne Room.      “Well, I could tell you about the Old Ones, or the Orks, Tyranids, Eldar, Tau, Chaos, Necrons, and some of the other shit I've had to deal with. However, I can see something eating at you. So, what’s up?” The Emperor replied, still a Skeleton on the Golden Throne. Magnus was next to him, scribbling something into a large book.       “Um….well, let's see…” Twilight started, unsure how to explain. “Yesterday, an old enemy of mine named Starlight Glimmer used a Time Spell to go back in time to stop my friends from ever getting our Cutie Marks. Turns out a lot of stuff depends on my friends meeting, as I followed her and got sent back to multiple possible futures.”      “Sounds like fun.” The Emperor replied. “What kind of possible futures?”      “Well, let's see….” Twilight said, thinking back. “First, Sombra took over the Crystal Empire and declared war on Equestria, then there was the one where the Canterlot Wedding Invasion succeeded for the Changelings, Nightmare Moon, Discord, Tirek, The FlimFlam brothers, and then just a Wasteland.”         “Hmm… those all sound very interesting. Perhaps I can access these alternate futures and observe them.” Magnus spoke up. “I mean, I was Tzeentch's Daemon Primarch for a while. What about you Father?”           “These all sound like shitty Fanfictions, and thus should be ignored. After all, it's in the past.” The Emperor replied.          “Well, technically, it's currently happening. These were alternate futures of this exact time, all changed by a single instance.” Magnus stated.          “Shut up. It's in the past. We will not discuss this any further. Anyway, what happened next?” The Emperor ordered.           “Well, I taught her the error of her ways, and then offered to teach her the Magic of Friendship.” Twilight declared, rather proud.           “So, she changed your future, not once, but seven times, and you just give her a slap on the wrist and let her walk off?” The Emperor asked. “That's an expression.” he added before Twilight could say what he knew was to question what a wrist was, or that she didn't let her walk off.            “Well, yes. Why?” Twilight asked, slightly confused.             “FUCKING PONIES AND THEIR DAMN FRIENDSHIP.” The Emperor yelled, in all caps.             “Uh….what's he on about?” Twilight asked Magnus.             “You ponies are too forgiving. The last time humanity forgave one of their enemies was…..” He replied, before trailing off. “.....Let's see….sometime within the Age of Strife. Our so called ‘allies’ of the alien races enslaved our people, and did so until The Emperor’s Great Crusade. As my barbarian of a brother Angron once said, ‘A war is only won when the enemy is dead. A pacified enemy is still an enemy.’ meaning that your new ‘friend’ may very well end up betraying you.”              “What?!” Twilight exclaimed. “I've seen how she is. She truly is regretful and wishes to make amends!”             “And that means ‘Make new friends’ to ponies? ‘Making amends’ means paying for her crimes. She should at least be imprisoned for a few years, or at most banished.” The Emperor stated. “You Equestrians are so stupid, it's a wonder why no other nation has taken over.”              “We have the Princesses to protect us! That's why!” Twilight countered.              “Firstly, she supposedly raises the sun. That's the only reason why they stay away. And also, she can demand anything she wants from other nations, or if they refuse, she can either bask their nation in freezing darkness, or scorch them with an unending sun.” The Emperor replied. “And also, if I remember correctly, she was beaten by the Changeling Queen. That might give other nations the idea that your Princess isn't as strong as she is to be believed. Hell, they might even think that any old unicorn could do her job.”              “But they would never do that! Equestria has been at peace for years! Every nation we've met are very friendly to us!” Twilight stated.              “I remember your story from when your friends visited the Griffon Kingdom. It was in tatters.” Magnus added.              “But that doesn't mean they will go to war!” Twilight shot back.              “One of the main reasons the human race went to war against each other in the 1st and 2nd Millennium was because their countries were starving.” Magnus pointed out.               “We are getting off topic. So, Twilight, what would you like to learn about today?” The Emperor asked.                “Um...well… Why not the Space Marines?” Twilight asked.                “At first, they were the greatest warriors of humanity. I, or rather, the original Emperor, created them from the Primarch’s genes, which originated from him. During the Great Crusade, they reconquered the universe, until that bastard Horus decided to try and take over. Now, they are all mostly complete religious shitheads proclaiming battle prayers in my name. Especially those damn Ultrasmurfs.” The Emperor snarled. “They follow those stupid Inquisitor bitches like puppy dogs, not even batting an eye when the Inquisition orders Exterminatus on a random planet.”            “We can agree there.” Magnus added. “As for those who followed Horus, they became overzealous assholes proclaiming their love for Tzeentch, Khorne, Nurgle, and Slaanesh. In my opinion, they are quite worse than the Imperium in many ways.”              “So, if I were to meet one….” Twilight trailed off.              “They would kill you for being a filthy Xeno. At least that remained the same. Oh, and then they would either blow up the planet, or cleanse it of all non-humans. Or find me and do the second one, securing this planet for the Imperium.” The Emperor finished. “Anyways, I'm sick of this conversation. Let's answer some questions.”               “Alright Father, I'll go get them. Oh, and Twilight.” Magnus passed her the book. “I took the liberty of writing down plans for some technology originally made by humans, including weapons, and other stuff. Also, all the minerals and equipment needed to get these minerals is in the back.”          Twilight squealed, before running off.                  “Alright Father, let's see here…. The Almighty Being 0 asks,                 ‘Emperor, what would you say if you were stuck with the dalek emperor from the doctor who episode bad wolf forever?’” Magnus began.                   “Kill it like the rest.” The Emperor replied, quoting a green fat guy. In a different universe, said creature sneezed. “Next.”                     “Spartan 889 asks,            ‘Dear Emperor, I bring terrible news, The pony who goes by the name Starlight Glimmer plans to change the past in order to change the future. Of course you are the motherfucking Emperor who can just defecate warp storms any time but how do you think Tzeentch will react to this? He is the Chaos God of Change and weaver of destinies after all.’”                         “Welcome to the party, you're late. Anyways, I will be bringing her my wrath. As for Tzeentch, he would probably bring her many tortures when she is claimed by the Warp. And I might just let him.” The Emperor replied. “Next.”                  “Equestrian Necromancer asks, Emperor, why is it you dislike Magnus so much? Also, which of the Chaos Gods do you like the most/hate the least?”              “I do not dislike Magnus. I just dislike a few of his life choices. As for the second question, Nurgle. Why? Because of this fucking damn nose itch. I know it was him!” The Emperor growled. “Next.”                “Manual Control asks, Dear Man-Emperor of Mankind, Have you told the ponies about the Tau yet? I'm sure they will find it most riveting hearing about this "Greater Good" they preach... Until you tell them about how the Tau really act. Your Faithful Army Creator, General Manual Control.”          “I might tell them eventually about those fucking Vagina-heads. Next.”       “The Legion of the Damned asks, Lord Emperor, I wish to know, what is your main plan now that you are awake? You seem to just be... Well... Just talking to anyone, which is fine, but you must have big plans for the future of this race of... Equines? Sincerely, a Damned Legionnaire.”            “Well first, I plan to get the fuck off this damn chair. Then order a taco. Then, I will either smite them, or try to teach them like how I taught Humanity. Until that backstabbing spineless traitor Horus decided to be a douche and place me on this damn throne. Next.”     “We got a package, with no name on it. There is a note, however. It reads, "Dear Mr. Emperor, I can only guess how lonely it must had been for you, locked away in your chamber since the the formation of our planet. So here's a gift to help lift your spirits. Before you open your present, why don't you take a guess as to what's inside. Here's a hint: it's big , red and pretty hard. . . (It's a care package with a big red heart draw on it) . . Inside you'll find some chocolates, flowers, get well cards from hundreds of foals, and other comforts. Enjoy!" P.S. I'm aware that you can't eat anything, but it's the thought that counts, right?”          “While it is the thought that counts, it can be taken in a mocking way. I haven't had Chocolate since the birth of this damn planet, and you do this. Either way, thanks. As for the cards, how the hell do they….oh right, I sent that newspaper. I'll have Magnus read them to me later. Next.”       “Of course you will.” Magnus sighed miserably. “The Murderous Cypher asks, Lord Emperor of mankind Do you know of the cipher ,a universe conquering being? and follow up question will you prepare for the wax pony uprising?”       “This ‘Cipher’ better not get near this planet. And I will burn all the wax ponies. Or send them a warp storm. Next.”     “That's it. There is a letter for Twilight, but other than that, we are finished.” Magnus said, closing up the letter box. “I wonder how Luna is doing with those Grots.”       ---------     “Come here you adorable little creatures!” Luna cooed, trotting closer to the Grots. They all charged her, trying to be rid of this strange and evil female equine. Their resistance was futile. ---------     “I'd  say she's doing pretty well. And who would send a letter to Purple Nerd when they could be asking me questions about the universe and all things?” The Emperor asked.      “Well, probably because A: You're an asshole at times, B: it's not all about you, and C: She is a princess of this nation.” Magnus retorted.        “Whatever. I'm going to go play Poker with the Chaos Gods.” The Emperor snorted.         “Just don't bet my soul. Or anyone's soul.” Magnus replied.