“Good morning, Ponyville! Welcome back to Equestrian Center’s coverage of the Ponyville Fourth Annual, For the Foals, Staring Competition finals. I’m Bob.”
“And I’m Jim.”
“And we are minutes away from the finals of what I have to say has been the best staring contest to date.”
“You say that every year, Bob, but this time I have to agree. We have had some spectacular performances from both veteran starers and up-and-comers alike.”
“Indeed, Jim. Let’s review our contestants before these finals get underway. Roll the clip, Highlight…. First up we got Fluttershy. Don’t let this one’s cool temper get the best of you. When you stare against her, you best be ready to handle the heat, or you're going straight to Blinksville, EQA.”
“Yes, Bob. There’s a reason why Fluttershy has been reigning champion since this sport’s inception. Just look at the intensity in her eyes.”
“I can’t, Jim. I just keep blinking.”
“Through sheer ferocity, Fluttershy and her stare have dominated the qualifiers, easily securing her position in these finals today. All who’ve underestimated her have learned an important lesson: don’t stare at the shy.”
“Just look at how she took on Rose here. Rose didn’t even last five seconds against the Stareinator. And all that coming from such a sensitive little mare too.”
“It’s truly hard to believe, Bob.”
“It is, Jim. But that shy is no lie. I’ve heard she can be a real sweetie outside the staring circuit.”
“Well if there’s one thing we can say about Fluttershy’s stare: it’s quick and brutal. She’ll make you want to blink, maybe even before the match even starts. So far her strategy has worked well for her. Especially when you consider that few managed to last longer than a couple of seconds against her.”
“But Fluttershy may be facing her toughest competition yet, Jim. In these finals, she will be going eye-to-eye against the wall eyed underdog herself: Derpy Hooves. Let’s take a look at how she has been performing so far….”
“Now I think Derpy has really proven herself this competition, don’t you think, Bob?”
“Let me remind those of you at home about this mare here. She got last place during the Ponyville Third Annual, For the Bunnies, Staring Competition. Last place! And against the competition that year, you had to try if you wanted to lose. Now she’s here—in the finals—with only one pony in her way from victory. That alone tells you the dedication this mare has to the sport of competitive staring.”
“It does indeed, Bob. But what fascinates me about Derpy is not as much her climb to the top as it is her unorthodox approach to staring.”
“I’ve never seen it before, Jim. Unlike Fluttershy, Derpy seems to take a more… relaxed approach. Derpy doesn’t try to close the match out immediately, she’s fine to stay in it for the long haul.”
“Right here is what I’m talking about. This is what we’ve never seen before this competition. As you see there, Derpy is staring with one eye at a time while her other eye is looking away, to then later swap eyes when her starting eye begins to tire out.”
“And… bam! She’s swapped eyes. Now she’s on a fresh eye—ready for more—while her opponent is left straining. I don’t even know if that’s legal, Jim, but the fans love it.”
“She’s come a long way, Bob. What I appreciate about Derpy is how she not only applies, but also exemplifies the fundamentals of competitive staring.
“Explain that to me, Jim. I’m not seeing how a one-eyed approach is the ‘fundamental of competitve staring.’”
“Well… okay. The strategy’s atypical, but the approach is what’s key here. What a lot of amateur starers don’t understand is what Derpy is doing in the ring. In competitive staring, you can take the slow and steady route. Derpy is showing that can work. Often it’s better to learn how to outpace your opponent rather than to try and intimidate their blink. Only specialized starers, like Fluttershy, are capable of that type of approach.”
“I see where you’re saying, Jim. What Fluttershy brought to competitive staring effectively redefined the whole sport. But with that, many starers have tried to be like Fluttershy and—let’s be honest—no pony can stare like Fluttershy.”
“But because of ponies attempting to become the next Fluttershy, the original fundamentals to competitive staring were... forgotten. Sure, Fluttershy dominated the competition when she first entered the scene, but perhaps there was something true—even in competitive staring—to the phrase: slow and steady wins the race.”
“That and an eye trick. But I think you're right, Jim. But even beyond that, I feel Derpy has represented the average pony here in this staring contest today. Don’t you think? That even when life knocks you down and you end up placing last, if you just apply yourself, you can make it anywhere. That if Derpy can make it this far, so can you. You too can accomplish your dreams if you just work hard enough at them.”
“You’re bringing me to tears, Bob.”
“I tend to, Jim. But there’s an important point here that needs to be established. What makes these finals so historic is the amalgamation of the two ponies competing here today. The battle between fierce aggression and undaunting endurance. Folks, we have a legendary matchup just ahead of us—right here—as the competitors are just about ready to enter the ring to get this thing started.”
“As a reminder, The Ponyville Fourth Annual, For the Foals, Staring Competition is in support of the For Foals Foundation. All proceeds of this event go to support the foals, fillies, and colts in need all over Equestria. Whether they’re bullied in school, are in need of a good friend, or grew up in Manehatten, the Triple-F seeks to remind us: there’s hidden talent within each filly and colt; let’s let it shine.”
“Don’t be a fool, support the foals. How’s that?”
“Keep trying Bob.”
“I will, Jim. But I gotta ask, who are you rooting for today?”
“I’ve got to put my bits down on Fluttershy.”
“Really?”
“All the way. She’s been three-times reigning champion for a reason. That reason being her unrelenting stare. Only a few competitors lasted a minute against her, and half of those who did were found cheating... and still lost. I have no doubt Derpy can last the minute, but we have yet to see how far Fluttershy can take her stare. Can Derpy really go the distance against her? She may need to last five minutes, fifteen minutes even, and I’m not convinced she can do that against Fluttershy here today, Bob.”
“I gotta say Jim, I don’t think you’re giving Derpy enough credit here. She has gone against some fantastic starers through this competition and she came out against them all with flying colors. Look at this mare, she doesn’t even sweat! Many of the starers who were projected to break Fluttershy’s legacy were in Derpy’s bracket, and in case you forgot, she trounced them all! She even bored Twilight, the Princess Twilight, to blink out of their match. To do that to somepony who reads for a living, that takes skill, Jim. You’re hearing me, right?”
“I hear you, Bob, but I still gotta go with Fluttershy. Like Derpy, she too trounced her competition but in a hundredth of the time. That and with three Golden Eyes under her lashes, Derpy is going to have to push herself hard just to compete. She impressed many ponies—myself included—but I don’t think what she has is enough.”
“And with that, it looks like we’re just about ready, folks. Fluttershy and Derpy have entered the ring and are facing each other, eyes closed, awaiting the official’s cue.”
“Alright, listen up you two. I want a clean match from the both of you. No proddin’, no pointin’, and no joke tellin’. You got that? Now, good luck to you both. Three... two... one… STARE!”
“And we’re off, folks! Fluttershy opens up with an intense barrage right out of the gate, but Derpy isn’t flitching! You can already feel the intensity sparking between these two! I can barely watch, Jim!”
“Derpy has already lasted longer than ninety-percent of Fluttershy’s competition. I’d say we have a match here. Remember, this is for it all. The gold is on the line. The question is what are these two willing to give to claim it.”
“I’m glad I’m not down there, Jim. I’ve blinked at least twenty times already!”
“Something’s off, Bob. Actually, it Derpy.”
“We already talked about that, Jim.”
“Something different, Bob. Each match Derpy has stared in, she has always began with her right eye, but this time, she started with her left.”
“Why do you think that is, Jim?”
“I can’t say, Bob. Either way, make a note: with her left eye staring, her right eye is waiting as backup for when she needs it. Once her left eye needs to tap out, she’ll swap eyes and continue her stare with her fresh eye in its place. By doing that, she- ”
“Hold onto that, Jim, Derpy is straining to maintain eye contact right now! She’s is backing to her hindquarters! She’s going to need that backup eye right now ‘cause Fluttershy’s stare is just too much for her to handle!”
“If Derpy wants any chance in at the gold, she’s going to have to pull off that eye swap and soon. Remember, for her to successfully swap her eyes, she must maintain eye contact as she pulls her right eye into place. Only once her right eye has made contact can her left eye look away.”
“But can she do it, Jim? Can she do it under this much heat? I don’t think Fluttershy will let her!”
“Derpy’s going for it. She just has to move her other eye into contact.”
“She is shaking down there! I don’t know if she can get her eye to move! But she’s not giving up yet, folks! Derpy has come all this way to prove herself and she’s not going to back out now! She’s making progress. She almost has it! Come on, Derpy, You gotta get your eye in the game! It’s all on the line! And… and…. She has it! Her eyes are swapped! Derpy has swapped her eyes!”
“And her left eye drops immediately. But now that it’s done its job, the question is if Derpy can hold her stare long enough for Fluttershy to tire out and blink in concession.”
“I don’t know, Jim. Fluttershy is maintaining her stare as if the match had just begun. Her glare has not wavered in the slightest!”
“She’s like a statue, Bob.”
“A menacing statue, Jim. Regardless, Derpy appears to have regained her composure and is far from bowing out of this competition! And if Derpy can maintain her fortitude under this pressure, what can Fluttershy do against her, Jim? How can you win a staring contest against that which does not blink? If this approach doesn’t work for Fluttershy, what other option does she have? She may just tire herself out of the match.”
“I wouldn’t count Fluttershy out yet, Bob. Derpy is once again on the back hoof. She is struggling to hold herself still. The official is watching her closely for a blink, but she has not broken eye contact yet.”
“She is sweating up a rainstorm down there! It’s tempting to wipe it off, but that’ll only distract you more. You have to give your opponent your full and undivided focus.”
“But you don’t want to focus too hard, Bob; especially against a competitor like Fluttershy. Stare into her eyes too much and you’ll just wear yourself out into blinking. It’s a tricky balance between attentiveness and lenience that I don’t think Derpy has mastered with both of her eyes just yet.”
“It’s gotta be tough keeping balance when your strategy is so unbalanced. But wait! Jim. Jim! Are my own eyes deceiving me?”
“They are not, Bob. Derpy is attempting to swap her eyes again; switching back to the left eye she started with.”
“This is unprecedented! Derpy invented the eye swap method in this very competition! Now she is about to attempt do the eye swap again! A double eye swap! I have never seen anything like this before, folks! This could be one to remember!”
“But is it even possible? Derpy’s trying to get her left eye up but it’s not moving. It may have already thrown in the towel.”
“You’re right, Jim. This ain’t looking good for Derpy. She has got to make contact with her left eye or she’s done for. Her right eye has done just about all it can do. She needs her left eye in place and now.”
“Uh oh. Derpy is squinting and squinting hard. That’s a bad sign in competitive staring. She’s put in a good effort here, but I’m afraid she’s running out of steam fast.”
“But she is not yielding yet, Jim! She is giving all she has right now! She knows this may be her one and only time in the finals! It’s now or never, and she is pushing herself one-hundred-and-ten-percent to the end!”
“I’m not so sure she can do it though. It looks like it’s too much for her to handle.”
“Wait! Woah! What’s this? Her eyes are open, folks! Wide open! She is giving her all! The strain is real, but so too is her determination! Can she do it? Can she get her eye in place? It’s almost there! Does she… she has it! Her left eye has made contact! She has done it! She has done the double eye swap!”
“Actually, she’s not swapping, Bob.”
“She’s not?”
“No, look. Derpy is staring with both of her eyes against Fluttershy. She’s not dropping her tired eye out, she’s reinforcing it with her other eye.”
“Fluttershy remains undeterred! She’s got the same unrelenting stare that she started with! Knowing what’s on the line, neither of these two are willing to back down! They are going ‘til their last! I can’t handle this, Jim! My eyes are popping out of their sockets! In all my years of competitive staring contest casting, I have never seen a match this intense!”
“It’s not everyday you see staring match with ponies like these two, Bob.”
“The intensity is so immense that you could bake a cake between these two! There is so much at stake and they both know it! Neither of them is going to be the one who blinks-”
“Whoa-”
“Hold up! Fluttershy’s head just jerked over there for a second. She brought it back, but... she is not looking too hot, Jim. She is stumbling back and forth right now.”
“She looks dizzy, Bob.”
“But Fluttershy still has her eyes on the prize. She is not going to look away! But can she sustain herself to the end?”
“She may, Bob, because Derpy is struggling herself. She may be standing in place, but her legs have gone stiff. She could collapse any moment.”
“This is down to the wire, folks! One of them going to win this and it won’t be long now! They won’t stop until the other- they’ve hit the ground! They’ve both hit the ground! Eye contact has been broken! I repeat, eye contact has been broken!”
“But who broke eye contact first? Highlight, can we get a replay of this?”
“Yeah, let’s see what an instant replay has to say to us…. Okay? And…. Ohhh! Fluttershy broke eye contact first! Derpy Hooves has won it! I can’t believe it! Derpy Hooves has won it! The crowd is going wild!”
“What a match, Bob. These two pushed themselves to the floor before either of them would give in. We couldn’t have asked for a better matchup than these two.”
“I gotta commend them both, Jim. They gave their all, and that gave us a spectacular performance that is sure to go down in staring contest history.”
“Fluttershy’s raw force against Derpy’s mixups; you don’t see that everyday, Bob. This may redefine the world of competitive staring as we know it.”
“It brings a tear to my eye, Jim, and not just because they’re kinda sore after that match, but because we witnessed something amazing here today. You know what I mean?”
“I think I do, Bob.”
“I’m going to need a break after this one, folks. But first, to put the spotlight on our victor, let’s head down to the field for a quick interview from our spotlight, Spotlight. Spotlight...”
“...Thanks Bob. I’m here with the newest Ponyville Staring Competition champion, Derpy Hooves. Derpy, that was amazing. How did you pull it off?”
“Well… gee. I don’t know? I guess I just thought... hey, I’ve got two eyes... why not use both of them?”
“This win must be very special to you. Tell me, what is on your mind right now?”
“I… I just don’t know what went right?”
“Neither does anypony else, Derp... whoops! She’s being carried off by the crowd. Afraid that’s all I’ll get out of her for now. Back to you, Bob...”
“...Thanks Spotlight. What a match, eh Jim.”
“Indeed, Bob. I have never seen so much effort poured into a staring contest prior to this one. Everypony take note: these two are top class starers.”
“In a moment, we’ll return to our field reporter for a few words from the runner up. But first, Jim, what was the defining moment of the match?”
“It has to be when Derpy swapped her eyes a second time, to actually go full force into staring with both eyes at once. Normally, I wouldn’t think that’s an odd strategy, but Derpy did it like no pony has before. That mind game she played where we thought she would just swap a second time, but instead going full offense when Fluttershy was least expecting it. That one moment was all Derpy needed to close out the win. All credit to Fluttershy though. She put in a strong game with that constant pressure she’s known for. But it appears that her fury was no match for Derpy’s mixups this time.”
“It would seem so, Jim. And with us once again is Spotlight with Fluttershy, the runner up. Spotlight...”
“...Hello again, Bob. I’m here with Fluttershy who just took part in one of the most intense staring contests to date. Fluttershy, how are you holding up?
“Heh... I’m... okay.”
“You gave a great hustle in there, but what happened towards the end?”
“Well... I’m used to somepony staring with both of their eyes, but after I got used to Derpy staring at me with one eye... she then stared at me with both of her eyes, and each of them began alternating... in and out. It made me lightheaded and I fell over.”
“What are your thought’s on Derpy’s performance throughout this competition?”
“I’m proud of how far she’s come. Really. She pushed herself hard to get here, and I couldn’t be happier going up against somepony like her in the finals. I just… need to lie down for a while. Um... is there a reason that pony’s pointing that case at us?”
“What a good sport. You did a great in there, Fluttershy. Back to you, Bob...”
“...Thanks Spotlight. What sportsmareship, am I right? Well I suppose that does it for us folks. Make a note of today, because your going to find this match in the history books. I’ve been Bob.”
“And I’ve been Jim.”
“And tune into Equestrian Center next time for all of your horse sporting needs.”