Deadpool woke up again from his sleep, right on his bed, seeing that he accidentally wetted the bed.
"F**K!!!" He yelled "Now I gotta do my laundry! Thanks Obama!"
"Your welcome." Obama replied before walking out.
...What!?
Just roll with it.
Deadpool grumbled to himself, picking up his bed sheets and walked around in his underwear as he did some laundry. Looking out of a window, he saw snow falling as Celestia's sun was beginning to rise. He growled to himseolf again, opening the door to Bob's room (nicknamed the 'Harry Potter Closet' because of the first movie), seeing him snore.
"Wake up Dip s**t!" he yelled. Bob snorted awake.
"...What?" he asked
"Do we still have those presents?"
"...Nah."
"WHAT!?"
"That Dark horse, Luna, took the presents back to their owners."
"And you didn't do anything to stop her!?"
"...She gave me this." He held up a Chubbie plushie of Luna. Deadpool groaned.
"Aw F**k me! Hearths Warming is here! Ungrateful b*****ds!" A loud 'THUMP' was heard on the roof.
"...What was that!?"
"...Stay in your room. I got a good idea who it is." Bob closed his door as Deadpool quickly put on some pajamas, took some guns, and his twin katanas. He peeked around the corner, seeing the man himself: SANTA CLAUS!!! Deadpool saw the various gifts Santa was leaving under a tree he didn't place there.
"For Cable," Santa listed "A new ray gun! For Bob, a job application for S.H.I.E.L.D., Weasel will love this new tablet, Lady Death will love the souls of my retired Elves, Copycat, this Vibrator, and for Deadpool-" Deadpool placed the barrel of his gun behind Santa's head.
"Don't you dare move a f**king muscle."
Now we ARE going on the naughty list for sure.
But Santa's naughty!
What!? How-!?
We'll explain.
"Santa," Deadpool began to monologue "For many years, I have hunted you down every holiday season to stop your power."
"Power?" Santa asked "I don't want power! I just want to spread Christmas cheer to-" Deadpool pistol whipped ol' Saint Nick.
"Shut the F**k up! You only spread cheer to those who celebrate Christmas! What about the Jews who celebrate Hanukkah!? Or the Black people who celebrate Kwanzaa!? Huh!? And with Christmas, you're taking the day away from Jesus Christ, the savior of us sinners, God's only child, the guy who people think is white with long hair but is actually black with short hair!!! You friends with him, or are you trying to take his not-birthday-birthday away!?" Santa coughed.
"Please... I let people celebrate what they want, and they-" Another pistol whip.
"That was a rhetorical question! How about this: why do you only hang out with the rich kids!? You leave all the homeless kids and orphans alone with no present! And when you do leave them a present, it's the most s*******t presents! How about the other kids in 2nd and 3rd world countries!? Is that where you get your elves: kidnapping children away from their families to become your personal slaves in making & creating toys and other s**t that you know will crash the market of other companies that worked for that s**t!? HUH!?"
"No! I-it's nothing like that! It's-"
"And what about your abilities!? You see everyone when their sleeping, you know when they're awake! You part of the NSA or some s**t like that!? You part of some government s**t!? How are you immortal!? Introduced at around 280 A.D. in Patara, near Myra in modern-day Turkey, and yet, you're still alive for some reason!? You got a healing factor like me and Wovlie!? Or... of course... all of this leads to one thing... of course! You're part of the Illuminati!!!"
REALLY!?!?!?
Eeyup!
Santa began to laugh, but not in the classic 'ho-ho-ho', but like that of a villain.
"So... after years of doing this, someone finally figures it out." Santa spoke, turning to Deadpool. "That's right, Wade. I am not part of the Illuminati... I AM the Illuminati!!! How else am I able to get away with this stuff but the Government does nothing in their power to stop me!?"
"Easy: You bribe them! You made yourself the face of Christmas, companies use you, they get tons of money from customers needing to buy stuff for their friends, family, and coworker-"
"And in turn, I get my share, as well as the Government not doing anything."
"But how are you still alive!?"
"... The fountain of Youth. It's not in Florida, well... not anymore... but I took it! It's in the North pole with me!"
"Of course! You bathe in it so much that you retain all of your youth and stay as Santa for the years to come!"
"And I'm gonna continue that!"
"Oh yeah! How!?" Santa punched Deadpool in the nuts. He stood up and exited through the chimney "...Okay... good one."
Santa Flew over Ponyville, his sack still stuffed with toys and presents that will be given to the NSA's worker's families. All the ponies woke up and looked outside, seeing Santa fly over them, feeling awe & wonder. That was cut off shortly when Deadpool appeared behind Santa, dropped something, disappeared, and the sleigh with Santa exploded. Everypony came out of their homes to see Deadpool standing, and peeing, into the flaming crater with the burning sleigh and deer corpses.
"Deadpool!" Twilight yelled "What are you doing!?"
"Taking a number 1!" Deadpool replied, not looking back and still peeing. "It's been a long time since I peed! Am I even finished?"
"Did Deadpool kill Santa Hooves?" Applebloom whimpered.
"Nah! I killed Santa CLAUS! Besides, you're going to love these." As he still peed, he pulled a trigger and detonated it. Another explosion, and presents came out of the burning sleigh, falling everywhere with names labeled for everypony he meet. Wait... how-?
Just roll with it.
Because... Reasons, I guess.
"Happy Hearths Warming to all!" Deadpool cheered, STILL peeing! The ponies cheered as they looked for and received their gifts from Deadpool/ the dead Santa. "Ah... now I'm finished. This was... pretty easy, actually. I actually wanted a challenge."
Ah, for you, Deadpool, is my Christmas/ Hearths warming gift to you. Up in the sky, the clouds formed together and darkened the sky. Lightning clashed, and the figure of someone else came.
"Ah S**t. I should've accepted that as an ending." Down from the sky, a shadow came and possessed the burning corpse of Santa, making it rise and let out a terrifying screech! This, readers, isn't jolly old Saint Nick anymore-
He was never a saint!
But this was his shadow: Krampus!
Oh great, another jumpscare 'horror' villain.
"Deadpool!" Krampus shouted "I should thank you for this! Killing my good side has made me more powerful! Now I will spread fear and murder everyone who doesn't believe in me!"
"Wow... now that's racist!" Deadpool replied. A wormhole opened, and the Dark Elves from Thor: The dark world came out, all dressed like the cliched Santa Elves and had Christmas painted weapons. "And... this is gonna be challenging."
You wanted a challenge, I gave you one!
"Not like this! Plus... Is that Carbonatium!?"
"Si." One of the elves replied.
"...Wow... I'm dead."
Oh quit your whining! Another portal opened behind Deadpool, and the Deadpool Corps came out.
"Someone called for us?" Fem-Pool asked.
"Holy s**t! This is better, but we're gonna need-"
"Say no more!" Kid-pool interrupted "We have back-up." Following behind, Millions of other Pools came out, all different in one way. Deadpool's nose let out a booger as he made a ridiculous happy face.
"It's a Hearth's warming Miracle!"
"*CHARGE!!!*" Dog-Pool barked. All of the Deadpools charged with Krampus's evil elf army. The result... for a lack of better words, was chaotic.
Aw! How come I'm not with them?
Because... reasons! Say, while they're fighting, want to watch the trailer to the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
...Eh, I don't see why not.
*One Viewing later*
Okay, now THAT'S much better than it's predecessor!
Hell yeah! Let's see how everyone is... oh... the fight is over. Dead Elves, injured pools healing right now, and Krampus is impaled by Celestia and Luna. Deadpool? Are you-
"Happy Hearths warming eve, everypony!" Deadpool cheered with... who is that? "Jesus!"
...That's not Jesus. That's a Mexican.
"Yeah! Jesus! Hey-Zeus."
...OH!!! Well... I guess that's... alright. Oh look! Marble Pie!
"Marble!?" Deadpool looked down to see the shy mare next to him. "Is there something you wanted to say?" She cleared her throat... and... sang!!!
"♫Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright...♫" With the help of Discord, Marble was in a dress with a microphone as Pinkie played a trumpet while dressed up as an extra from the Blues Brothers
♫Round yon virgin Mother and Child, holy
Infant so tender and mild,
Sleep in heavenly peace,
Sleep in heavenly peace!!!♫
Deadpool stared with his mouth low as the force of her singing caused every other Deadpool to be fired back into their dimension, and Everypony to stare in awe. Marble just blushed as she gently dropped the mic, followed by a hug from all of her sisters.
Oh... my... god!
It was short... but that's all what we needed!
Deadpool's heart stopped from the epicness. Everypony ran to Deadpool and gave him the biggest group hug know to Ponykind.
"Happy Hearth's warming eve!!!" They all cheered
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy shut the f**k up!
Good wishes to all, and to all a happy new year!
