//------------------------------// // Change // Story: Earning Freedom // by Daxisle //------------------------------// Change Watching as the sun slowly descended, turning the day to dusk, Sin took another swig of his nearly depleted reserve of whisky. Last night's dream leaving the pony in a constant state of irritation and moodiness. He couldn't concentrate on his plan to catch the griffin all day, nor the letter from Fancy Pants. Any effort he put forth into trying was immediately met by the image of the foal, crying and sniveling. With nothing better to do, the stallion turned back to the drink to pass the time. He knew it would most likely mean going back to the void, but he didn't care at this point. His desire for peace and quiet worked against him now, and served to fuel a maddening mixture of stress and boredom. What really got to him was that he had something he needed to do today, but couldn't remember for the life of him what it was. Alcohol had a tendency to make his memory a little selective. "Fuck." He groaned rubbing his head. What was it? He agreed to do something earlier, but what? It was right on the tip of his tongue too, maddeningly close but just out of reach of remembrance. If nothing else, though, it did serve to distract him from the other topic on his mind. He couldn't wait to get back to the mill and city council. They may have been hard work and a stress all their own, but at least it wasn't the confusing and maddening introspective kind. The front door opened and closed. Sin looked up to find Spike standing in the door way a moment later. "Hey dude, are you read to head to Macintosh's for..." He trailed off. Oh yea, that's what he was supposed to do. "Really, Sin?" Spike made a gesture. "You're seriously drunk again?" The Federalist looked down at the mostly empty bottle then back at Spike and shrugged. "I'm not drunk, just a little tipsy at best." He slurred, attempting to stand, having his legs buckle out from under him and falling flat on his face. "That was the pain, not alcohol." Spike shook his head in disbelief and walked out of the room in a huff. For some reason that bothered Sin. So what if he was drunk? He was a free pony, kinda. He was free to drink however much he wanted in his own house. He didn't know what the dragon's problem was, but it was starting to wear on his nerves. Spike returned a moment later with a folding chair and placed it in front of Sin's bed, taking a seat and sighing. "We need to talk." The Federalist quirked a brow and awaited whatever anti-alcohol lecture Spike had planned. To his surprise, the topic had nothing to do with booze or liquor, but with his mare friend. According to the dragon, Uppity was growing depressed about his emotional distance and lack of effort to cultivate a deep and meaningful relationship with her. It was a sobering revelation, for a moment, but Sin nodded his head in agreement. Truth was that he didn't put too much effort into the making things work with her. No denying that, but to be fair he'd also never had one before and wasn't sure what the relationship between them even was. He cared about her, a lot, but was it love? He said it was, but what honest knowledge did he have about love? Aside from some speeches and lectures from his elders. Besides, he was an Anarchist and she was a Statist. Their beliefs clashed at every turn, how could that kind of relationship work out anyway? "I think you should talk to her about it." Spike said with finality. Sin looked contemplative for a moment before speaking. "No." The dragon quirked a brow. "If she's got something to say to me, she can come and-" "That, right there. That's what I'm talking about." The drake pointed a claw. "Why does she always have to be the one to seek you out? Why don't you go to her for once?" A well meaning point. Sin summoned all of the sobriety he could and looked Spike directly in the eye. "Spike, take a good look at me. I mean, I want you to put our friendship aside for a second and take a hard look." He gestured to himself. "In all the time you've known me, in all the talks we've had and throughout all of my philosophy, did you ever once think of me as being a husband?" That gave the dragon the wake up call the pony wanted. He immediately resumed his defiant front afterwards, but Sin knew he'd shaken whatever confidence Spike had in himself. The Federalist wasn't being snarky or speaking down to his friend, all he did was tell the truth in the most objective and factual manner he could manage. "I mean, let's face it dude, I'm a broken stallion. I'm emotionally stunted, I've got trust issues out the ass, I hide my insecurities behind freedom/consiquentialism based intellectualism and dry, callous humor. I constantly argue with a little voice in my head, I take pleasure in the suffering of the idiots of the world for their stupidity, giving skepticism to my ability to feel empathy, a trait of sociopathy mind you, and, I'm an both an a-social and anti-social ass hole with self destructive tendencies." The words were blunt, straight and factual. Spike's jaw dropped, apparently not ready for the revelation to come forth. Sin chuckled cynically. "What? You didn't think I knew? C'mon, give me a little credit here." It felt good to get that off of his chest. Liquor made emotional expression so much easier and less painful. "And on top of all of that, I do it by choice. I choose to acknowledge all of that and even though I know how bad it is, I still live that way." His smile faded and he looked Spike in the eye once again, his tone turning serious. "So, you tell me. What is there to talk about when the relationship between her and I was doomed from the start?" His final words sent Spike's hands into clenched fists, his face a mask of confused anger. "If you know it's bad than why do you still do it then, huh?" "Simple." Sin glared. "I do it because that's all I know." "And?" "And what?" "You think all you know today is all you'll ever know?" Sin was taken aback, that was not a response he was expecting. "Before we came to Ponyville, Twilight never knew anything about real friendship. All she did was lock herself away and read books in a stuffy old library." The drake stated calmly. "That's all she ever wanted to do because that's all she knew. But you know what? She had the strength to change, she had the strength and will to find something better and make deep and meaningful connections. Heck, her friend outright betrayed her in one of the most horrible ways, and you know what she did? She's trying to forgive them for how they wronged her because she knows how special and meaningful those relationships are." "If she can move past her insecurities and comfort zone, I don't see why you can't." Sin's jaw dropped as he processed what was being said. His eyes trailed around the room and he patted his hoof against the bed nervously as he racked his brain for a response, he couldn't find anything. Not even a snarky retort to set the dragon off balance. This was not how he'd expected this conversation to go, for all of his thought and time spent to mental scenarios, this was one course he'd never even considered. After a full ten seconds of silence, the pony had a few responses to give, each weaker than the last. "I ummm..." He stopped, dismissing what he was about to say and thinking over something else. "What you're talking about is Ms. Sparkle. Her and I aren't the same pony. Our experiences in life are very much different." "Yea, I know. I've heard about you being run out of the country. From someone else, mind you." Spike said pointedly. The topic didn't shift as Sin had hoped. Spike's comparison and point still stood at focus, and Sin had no real argument to make against it. Of course now wasn't all he'd ever know, it was a bad reply, but it was also an honest one. "I have no answer for that." He admitted honestly. The dragon shook his head. "No, I think you do, you just wont say it. You're afraid." The words sent a coursing lance of rage through the Federalist's veins, but he couldn't deny the validity. Yes, he was afraid. He didn't like change, he didn't like the prospect of emotional closeness and vulnerability it offered. He didn't like the possibility of being hurt again. "Alright, fine. I'm afraid." The drake's stance and eyes softened a little, pleased with the admission. "Glad you've admitted that." Sin actually did admit to it already. He didn't use the term afraid, but insecurities. Only in that moment did he realize just how much of a difference there really was between the two. "And as bad as you painted you're self out as, I don't think you really believe everything you said yesterday." Sin tilted his head with a bewildered smirk, begging Spike to finish. "I think you only said those things because you're feeling weak and vulnerable." The smirk dropped immediately and his his temper required effort to keep. The emotional response told Sin that the statement about him feeling weak and vulnerable was true, but the part about him not believing his own words confused him more than anything. "And what would lead you to believe that?" Spike folded his arms and smirked. "Because, if you really believed in letting ponies suffer for their stupidity, than why would you have gone all around Equestria helping free ponies who went quietly to jail when they didn't deserve it? Why would you help Big Macintosh if you honestly believed he deserved to be where he was?" Again, Sin fell quiet, unable to find an answer, letting his eyes trail once again... How was this happening? How was Spike giving him this kind of an intellectual beat down? He wasn't this smart, he didn't think about these kinds of things. Sin knew the dragon's thought process, these weren't conclusions he was supposed to come to. This wasn't right, how could... Uppity! Of course! She was feeding the drake arguments and information! The revelation didn't serve him much good though, he'd been argued into a corner and no matter what Sin said, he'd end up contradicting himself one way or another. That left only one choice. "Alright, fine. You're right, I'm not as big of a sociopath as I think I might be. You've got me on that one point." Sin admitted. "But does that really excuse everything else I've said so far?" Spike shook his head. He agreed that it didn't excuse anything, but it did mean that the Federalist had enough self knowledge to know what he needed to change about himself to have a happy and healthy romantic relationship. That, mixed with how Twilight had changed, was proof that it could be done. Would he need serious psychological healing and emotional support? Absolutely, the only thing stopping the stallion from progressing past the broken pony he saw himself as, was himself. "You may not want to see it, Sin, but you've got friends and ponies who care about you here. I don't know how things worked in the Federation, maybe the pony you are now was who you had to be. I don't know, but you don't need to be this way in Equestria." Spike gave him a gentle and pleading look. "You don't have to afraid here. Macintosh, Twilight, Shade, me? We like you, and I know Uppity loves you. You can relax, we aren't going to hurt you." Sin felt his chest tighten at the words. He wasn't sure how to reply to that, he wasn't even sure what that meant to him. Others not trying to get to him? Not trying to make conflict or get something from him? Even members of the Liberty Syndicate weren't that trustworthy. But if Spike was right, what did that mean for him here? That... left Sin with more to think about than he wanted it to. Could... could he really change? Could he really stop feeling this bitter and cynical after living in it for so long? It was so much of a constant in his life that he considered it one of his primary personality traits. What would happen if he did change that? Who would he become? Would he still be himself? "Go head to Mac's." Sin said thoughtfully. "I... I have some things to think about." The dragon grabbed the folding chair and placed a claw on his friend's shoulder. His words were gentle and somber. "I know you don't like change and that you're afraid, but I want you to be happy, Sin. You're a smart guy and my friend, and... I know you can change for the better if you try." And with that, the baby dragon walked out of the room, grabbed his cloak and walked out the door. Leaving the pony to, for the first time, seriously ponder his future. A future that didn't include him growing into an angry and bitter old stallion living on his own and hating everyone around him, like he'd always pictured, but a future where he just might actually be happy. Sin didn't scoff at the notion like he usually did, he didn't even immediately downplay the idea as idealistic or optimistic. Equestria was a different place, it was... better here. He had a lot going for him. The wood mills, his position in city hall, the Ever Free research center, Uppity, his friends, and Ponyville was full of friendly ponies, even if they were a little odd. This was all he ever wanted... a world where ponies and all others could walk freely and have their individual persons respected, both politically and socially. Was that the entire point of Celestia chaining him to Ponyville? To try and show him the better life he could have like she did Twilight? It was kind of ingenious on her part. Manipulative as fuck and he took serious umbridge with it, but still ingenious. Of course, that would also mean he'd have to give up the one thing he'd been looking forward to for years. He still wanted to see the fall of New Equine, he still wanted to watch those who'd wronged him suffer for their hubris. He wanted to watch that world burn as it deserved to. Sighing, the stallion grabbed the whiskey and took the last swig it had to offer. It was going to be a long night.