Soft, delicate hairs brushed against the outer edge of Big Macintosh’s muzzle and filled his nose with a sweet but cotton-like scent that he buried his face further into. The bed creaked and moaned when he tried to absent mindedly turn away from the burning warmth on his face that irritated his eyes under their lids. When he dared to crack his eyes he was momentarily blinded by sunlight, so he pushed his face deeper into the hair before him. He felt the warm body of a smaller pony press again him in his half-asleep state, and once more without thinking he tightened his grip. He thought briefly if he might look as though he were holding a teddie bear, a very large one, yes, but he was gripping the other as such.
His mind was hazy. Not the sort of haze he had felt a hoofful of times in his life where he awoke hungover, but just a tired sort of state. A fog that the chilled air outside drew him to cling to the other for warmth. Again without thinking he pressed his lips to the base of the pony’s neck, and heard a light pitched giggle and felt a squirm that creaked his rickety old bed. His head felt heavy, but his heart felt light.
“Morning,” Caramel mumbled. The giggle must have been forced by the touch, because he sounded tired and slightly out of it. Big Macintosh reluctantly let him go when he squirmed out of bed, though did briefly consider the consequences of clinging to his lover and hoping he would keep the chilled air at bay a while longer. His vision took a minute to adjust to Caramel with heavy eyes and a messy mane. The blanket fell from his body and he rubbed at his eye groggily, and then shivered. Mac watched his tail wrap around his body instinctively.
Caramel’s hooves were louder than they should have been, but Mac’s rickety floor sounded far too familiar to be disturbing. He moved sluggishly, Mac watched him do so. He couldn’t help but catch a brief and terribly satisfying glance at Caramel’s backside, and again his heart felt a bit lighter.
“Mornin, Sugar,” Mac groaned loudly and rolled onto his back. He arched and cried out a loud, beastly yawn that seemed to shake the entire room. It was so intense that his eyes watered and he had to rub at them. He tugged at his blanket and shivered, a chill down his spine without Caramel against his chest to warm him. He looked to Caramel, who was standing in the bathroom with his hooves pressed to his face and rubbing.
As if reading Big Macintosh’s mind, Caramel spoke up.
“Hey, i-it feels a lot colder up here, don’t it?” Caramel’s teeth were chattering, and Mac saw him cover his mouth with his hoof in an attempt to stop them. Mac sat up slowly and hunched over his bed with his mane falling awkwardly in front of his eyes. He thought briefly about needing to get it cut, and then pushed it aside with his hoof. He looked to Caramel pop something in his mouth and then swallow, a disgusted look on his face that faded quickly. The raise in his heart at the sight of his boyfriend dropped just a touch.
“Eeyup,” Mac replied, not realizing that it was a little too late and too quiet. Caramel had turned on the water in the shower and within moments a steady stream of steam leaked out from behind the curtain. Mac got out of the bed and towards Caramel. When he stepped into the bathroom he got a glimpse of his sink.
Mac used to keep the bathroom tidy. He learned from a young age that owning your own bathroom meant that the smell was horrible if you neglected it. And Caramel was by no means a messy houseguest, in fact he’d be surprised if he didn’t work harder at keeping it spotless than Mac did some days. But still, bits of Caramel’s presence lingered where they hadn’t some months ago. A toothbrush beside Mac’s own, a special kind of toothpaste for sensitive teeth, an extra towel, a comb which Mac admitted he used from time to time, but the only thing he couldn’t get used to was scattered pill bottles.
“Howdy, Sugar,” Mac said his good morning again and pressed his lips to Caramel’s cheek. It was warm and blushed on impact with his lips. Caramel giggled, kissed him back, and then reached for his toothbrush as well as a bottle. There were at least five of these bottles with varying degrees of medication. He tried his best not to let his face twist in an indiscernible look of uneasiness at these bottles. He never learned the names of the medication, but Caramel did. They had long medical-sounding names that all sounded the same to his ears. A year ago his medicine cabinet had nothing more than some cold medicine he used once in a blue moon, but now the place rattled with pills if he wanted to do so much as wash his hooves.
Caramel downed another pill and made a strange look. This look sunk Mac’s heart momentarily, and he kissed Caramel’s forehead again. He didn’t giggle this time, and reached for another bottle.
“I ain’t heard ya cough yet,” Mac said, hoping that his voice didn’t sound too pressing. He didn’t want to sound pushy or desperate, fearing Caramel might take it as an annoyance that it truly wasn’t. Caramel nodded and downed another pill. He stuck out his tongue in the mirror and then looked to Mac with large, strangely innocent eyes.
“Huh?” Caramel sounded a bit confused. “Oh, y-you mean the one I had last night? Y-Yeah, guess I just slept it off. O-Or maybe you squeezed it out of me or something when you rolled onto me.”
“Funny,” Mac responded with a chuckle. He wanted to hug Caramel in that moment. It wasn’t a normal hug, as he didn’t feel in a paticatuarly cuddly mood, it was more of a strange… gesture? As if to say ‘good job, you beat it’. But, he thought it would be strange to do that. He settled for kissing the tip of Caramel’s ear and playfully biting on it for a second to be awarded with a squirming lover who pushed him playfully away. That felt just as good.
Mac waited patiently for Caramel to finish his rituals, and then grabbed him by the hoof and led him to the running shower. Caramel was a bit hesitant to just climb in with him, even after all this time the shyness still getting the best of him. He blushed and stood in place, even going as far as to tug a bit.
“C-C’mon, we can just take turns,” He whined.
Mac chuckled patiently. The way Caramel still fought him occasionally at turns like this as if they were a newly acquainted couple made his heart feel warm. It wasn’t annoying, more of a challenge if anything. He considered it a victory if he could convince Caramel without any words, but today with the sight of pills on the sink he let the game end quickly.
“Ah need help washin’ my back,” Mac insisted. This wasn’t true, of course, there was a brush in plain sight just behind Mac. But Caramel paused momentarily and climbed in only to stand still under the warm water that flowed down his back. He was always like this, stiff at first. Mac didn’t think about why too hard on this, it made his head spin. It wasn’t one of the funner parts of the game. He could see it run through Caramel’s head, if Mac was really comfortable being someplace slightly scandalous with him even to someplace as innocent as a shower.
He asked Caramel about it once. He remembered Caramel had gotten stiff again and answered in a sheepish “I dunno,” that he was never able to really read. It embarrassed him that he acted like this, even Mac could figure that out. If he let it drag too long without reassurance to the pony he might spoil his lover’s mood for the rest of the day if not week if he caught Caramel at a particularly bad time. Self conscious, most likely. It was bad to let Caramel dwell on his thoughts too long.
Big Macintosh assured Caramel that he truly wanted him there more than anything by grabbing at him and pulling him down as he went tumbling onto his hindquarters in the tub. He pulled Caramel to his chest and laid back under the water to kiss him, first on his nose and then his lips. Caramel blossomed in seconds and then erupted into pleasant giggling. He kissed Mac back on his freckles and then his neck. He was happy again, and his self conscious behavior was gone. Mac hugged him briefly, and wondered if Caramel knew why.
“Ah love ya, Sugarcube,” He told Caramel. This had become routine and possibly old to those around him, but never to him. He liked this routine. He felt safe with this routine. Caramel must have too by the way he kissed him then.
The two finished washing, Mac listening to Caramel chat small talk to awkwardly avoid the topic of not-so-subtly feeling Mac’s muscles under the guise of washing. He didn’t think Caramel remembered much of what he was talking about, because at one point he started saying how weird it was that fruitcake was only popular during Hearth’s Warming Eve. He thought he was getting better at hiding how flustered he could get over small things that should have seemed normal and like clockwork by now. Mac was good at keeping his mouth shut. It worked out fine.
It was sometime between walking through the hallway and down the stairs with a towel around his shoulders and his mane still wet did he begin to hear the ruckus at the breakfast table. Caramel was always behind him when they came down in the mornings. Maybe he was afraid to intrude on the family without Mac making headway. Though truthfully the looks had died down near entirely in the past year. It took a solid three months to kiss Caramel in the safety of their room where nopony watched much less stand within four feet of him in front of the rest of his family. Old habits died hard, even if scars faded fast.
“Ah just can’t believe the nerve of some ponies, thinkin’ we were out here sellin’ spoiled apples! I mean honestly!” Applejack sounded frustrated, but also loud. Everypony was loud, in fact. It had a rather homey vibe that was made only more clear when Mac and Caramel were both able to slip in and be handed plates without so much as recognition of their existence. There was no shyness when Applejack said, “Ah had half a gosh darn mind ta chew the apple and spit it at her rotten an’ all if ah wasn’t the best darn seller in this part of Equestria!”
There was no shyness… Well, except from Caramel who quite clearly blushed when Applejack made a loud and offensive remark about this certain mare kissing her flank like they were ten years married.
“Marriage is a wonderful thing,” Granny Smith chimed in, a bit oblivious to the fact that Applejack was ticked off. Applejack might not have been physically able to give her grandmother anything worse than a roll of her eyes. “Oh it reminds me of my old sweetheart.”
“Nopony was talking about marriage, Granny,” Applejack told the old pony.
“What? Ah can’t hear you, Dear,” Granny Smith near yelled.
Applebloom was at the other end of the table mumbling things to herself while scribbling on a sheet of paper. She had a stumped look on her face, and Mac saw that she was desperately working on about two pages worth of homework in the twenty or so minutes before she had to run to school. Mac thought about scolding her lightly, but then thought better of it when he feared it might disturb her and cause her to lose her concentration.
Caramel slipped into his chair while Mac poured himself a cup of black coffee. He sipped at it and felt the bitter flavor slide down his throat refreshingly. When he sat at the table Caramel eyed it, and tried for probably the twenty-fifth time this year alone to attempt to drink it. Mac was never quite sure why he was so stubbornly adamant for liking a drink he hated. He was dying to retrieve his orange juice in seconds.
Applejack made them apple pancakes. Caramel only took two, but since Mac knew he would try to undereat in front of everypony he took four. He only ate three and a bite of the fourth before saying he was full. Mac always found it strange that for a sister who made deals by spitting in her hoof that Applejack was against the idea of eating something he had taken a bit out of. Caramel ate the last one and finally looked full after that. Again, it was routine. A nice routine.
“Hey Mac, Ah need you ta go chop up some of that tree out back for me today,” Applejack reminded Big Macintosh absent mindedly while sipping from her own cup of coffee that was tinted a slightly light shade of brown. “We’re running low on wood, winter’s still got a bit of oil in her joints. I know ya have a long day of starin’ at Caramel,”
Caramel nearly choked on his juice.
“But could ya spare an hour or two ta do that?”
“Eeyup,” Mac responded. Caramel was busy recovering from his blush and sudden cough when Apple Bloom, who had remained mostly silent throughout all of breakfast, suddenly slapped her pencil down onto the table and stared wide eyed in front of her as though she had just been struck.
“Aw, Luna!” She cried out and hit both hooves to her forehead. “Ah gotta go early!”
“Huh?” Applejack raised her brow at the pony who was already scrambling to gather up all her papers. “Early for what? Ya ain’t even finished your breakfast.”
“I forgot to ask Ms. Cheerilee if I could skip the eighth!” Apple Bloom whined and jumped from her chair. Big Macintosh blinked and watched the scene unfold without intervening and saw his sister run (more like trample) up the stairs all while whining “Oh gosh, oh gosh!” Again and again. Applejack trotted after her and stood at the base of the stairs.
“Ya were supposed to ask for that day off weeks ago!” She shouted up.
“I know!” Apple Bloom cried out and dodged her sister’s legs after skipping the final step down the stairs by jumping it. She jumped back to the table and managed to gulp down an entire glass of milk in an impressively short seven seconds before shoving in her crumpled homework and throwing on her bag.
“Apple Blo-” Applejack tried to start, but Apple Bloom cut her off.
“Shut up shut up I’m going!”
She was like a speedy little demon with how quick she moved. Granny Smith had barely turned her head to the empty glass before Apple Bloom was already charging out the door with Applejack staring dumbfounded in the doorway. Mac saw through the window her charging off with her bow bouncing in the breeze.
“Always till the last minute,” Applejack grumbled with a sense of bitterness in her tone that passed before Mac even had the chance to blink. The chaos ended and everything seemed to resume back into clockwork routine. Mac took the liberty of taking Apple Bloom’s dirty dishes to the sink and scrubbing them off so Applejack wouldn’t throw him dirty glares at every brush if she had to do it.
“Uh,” Caramel spoke up for probably the first time that breakfast. It was enough to get Applejack and Mac’s attention, but not Granny Smith. She was reading the newspaper, though judging by the way she was still on the front page she might have just been staring with her mind elsewhere. “What’s on the eighth?”
“Oh!” Applejack chuckled and shook her head as if she hadn’t realized Caramel was in on some sort of joke he had just witnessed. “That’s the reunion, y’know, the Apple one. Bunch of Apples all gather up an’ we have a big party. We had it here last time so Apple Bloom didn’t have to call off school back then. But this year we’re headin’ to Appleloosa, first year it’s been there. Ain’t got much family out there but cousin Braeburn an’ his Pa, but a bunch of relatives live close by that can lend him a hoof.”
“O-Oh, right, Mac mentioned that,” Caramel sipped at his orange juice and chewed on the inside of his cheek a moment. “He talked a little about if I wanted to go… E-Even asked Sage if it was alright. Kinda embarrassing having your boyfriend ask your brother if you can go out on a little vacation, right?”
Mac had stopped washing the dishes. He let the water flow over his hooves and pile into a pool now growing in the sink. It was brief and passed quickly, but at Caramel’s words his breath caught in his throat. It wasn’t quite quiet enough to hear a pin drop in the following seconds, but judging by the way Applejack grew silent and Caramel finished his juice without really noticing her expression Mac coughed into his hoof just to break the sudden spell that had fell upon them.
“A-Anyway, I dunno if I want to go. Mac asked a few times but Sage would just hound me,” Caramel shrugged his shoulders. Mac turned off the sink and shook his hooves a few times to watch droplets splash against the rippling surface of the small puddle he had created. “Hey Mac, you done? I’ll wash your dishes if you wanna get started on that tree now.”
Mac opened his mouth. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say really, hadn’t had enough time to think of something before Applejack interrupted him.
“Y-Yeah, Mac I’ll show you where it is,” She stood up quickly and nodded her head violently towards the door. Caramel picked up on this, but didn’t mention it. He just stared at her, and then looked to Mac. He had this look that Mac was beyond grateful to see was just confusion, not guilt or a face that asked “Did I do something wrong?”. He couldn’t stand to see that right now.
Mac nodded his head. He passed Caramel and paused momentarily to kiss the tip of his ear and ruffle his mane a bit. Caramel looked at the two with inquisition, but obviously lacked the courage to ask any questions by the way he simply gathered up dishes and took them to the sink. Mac gave one final look to him while a pit in his stomach formed.
Outside was chilled, but not blanketed in snow. Snow was more fleeting lately, and the ground was thankfully dry when they stepped onto grass. The door shut behind them and Applejack threw him a look. This look wasn’t one of anger or embarrassment, but one of worry. She drew her lower lip into her mouth and bit on it before nodding again. Mac fought back a huff of annoyance and followed her to the back of the house in silence. He longed to look into the window they passed and see Caramel, but the sun was too bright and reflected too heavily for him to see properly in the moment he had to spare to gaze.
“Look,” Applejack began. She stopped suddenly. So suddenly that Mac almost crashed into her. She looked up to him but if suddenly felt like he was being looked down at. “Are ya really thinking of bringing Caramel? As in, your boyfriend Caramel?”
“AJ…”
“No, Ah’m not,” Applejack groaned loudly and shook her head. Mac twisted his face in irritation when he was interrupted. “I’m not tryin’ ta make it weird or nothin’. Ah’m just sayin’ that it’s gonna be a bit of a shock is all! Ain’t nopony but us here really know that yer…” She rolled her hoof in the air as if searching for a word. Mac grew even more annoyed at this. “Y’know...”
“A coltcuddler?”
“Ah didn’t say that!” Applejack snapped. “But yeah, ya like guys now. That ain’t just somethin’ ya can drop ta eighty some Apples out of nowhere. Oh, Cousin Braeburn broke his leg! Oh, Uncle Apple Crisp got that new home! Oh, Cousin Big Mac likes stallions! Ponies are gonna talk is all Ah’m sayin’.”
“Bout’ how it’s wrong?” Mac wanted to growl it suddenly. He felt something bitter stir within him. Things had been going well with Applejack for the better part of a year. The worst incident that had occurred was when she walked in when Mac was massaging Caramel’s back and assumed it was something much more… erotic, and screamed higher pitched than he had ever heard. And if anything they laughed it off the next morning. But this? This felt more like betrayal.
“Ah didn’t say that!” Applejack blew a whinny as hard as she could. “Stop puttin’ words in my mouth! Ah know what Ah’m sayin’ an’ ya know it too! I ain’t afraid of bein’ ashamed of ya or nothin’ like that, cause Ah won’t be. Ah’m worried how they’ll treat ya… if they’ll treat ya like… Like Ah treated ya,” Applejack spit in a way that looked angry, but Mac wondered if she suddenly also tasted the bitter venom of a bad memory on her tongue. She took her hat off her head and stared at it momentarily before putting it against her chest and looking to Mac with sincere, honest eyes. “Mac, it’s a knee-jerk reaction, ponies get em when confronted with things. Ah made some dumb jokes back before ya even met Caramel that Ah’d kick myself fer doin’ now.”
“It doesn’t… matter if Caramel’s a stallion,” Mac spoke the words and wanted them to be true. He wanted it so bad that he grinded his teeth and glared at the ground in a hard, cold stare. “Braeburn’s like me, ain’t he? Had a few boyfriends past few years.”
“Braeburn can handle a joke or two,” Applejack insisted and took a step forward to place a hoof on Mac’s shoulder. Mac’s face twisted further in annoyance at the facts being placed before him. “Ah know ya got tough skin but you got a big heart that acts real silly if Caramel gets hurt. It’s gonna get real ugly real fast if Uncle Golden Apple says somethin’ that’ll make Caramel upset an’ you deck him. Ah mean, Ah’d root fer ya and ya know it but ya love those ponies more than Ah do! Ya don’t think straight when Caramel’s involved.”
Big Macintosh sighed heavily. It felt weighed, mostly because what Applejack was saying made more and more sense the longer she talked. He could think of a dozen times where he did the wrong thing or said the wrong word to a pony for the sake of Caramel. He had once gotten both him and Caramel banned from a bar for a week because a drunken stallion called them a couple of Coltcuddlers when they so much as hugged when meeting up. It had spoiled the evening and Caramel didn’t so much as hold his hoof till the next day he was so embarrassed.
“Ah don’t…”
“Ya do.” Applejack was blunt. It hurt to hear, but it was true.
“It’s…” There was a silence, a long one. Applejack had said what she wanted, that much was clear. She was finally giving him a chance to speak and his words were fumbling around in his head. He rubbed at his temple and began to feel frustrated, but didn’t let it show past a brief grind of his teeth.
“Ain't’ it...” He began with a look of defeat spreading onto his features. From his slumped lips to his flattened ears he said the words sheepishly. “Ain’t it worse ta hide him and have him think Ah’m ashamed of him? Ah don’t… want him comin’ ta me an’ askin’ why I won’t let him see everypony. Ah love him, Applejack.”
Applejack swallowed a lump in her throat. It was visible and hard to watch. She looked to her hooves and even paced away for a few seconds and then returned. Mac felt his chest grow heavy. It made him uneasy to think about, and watching Applejack think so intently was becoming harder to watch by the second.
“What do Ah know?” Applejack shrugged her shoulders. She sounded fake, and it was evident. It wasn’t mean spirited, in fact Mac thought she was trying to convince him. “Ah mean, maybe we’re the old crusty Apple Family members who reacted embarrassingly. Caramel will… he’ll be happy you’re there with him.”
“His family ain’t…” Mac bit his lip. He had almost said something personal, something Caramel might even get upset at him for saying. “He ain’t got much of a family but his brother. Ah want him ta feel like we can share ours. Ah don’t wanna hide him.”
“I know you don’t,” Applejack sighed. They seemed to be at an even eye level now. She frowned, and then smiled, and then frowned again when she couldn’t make it seem convincing enough. Mac thought the look in her eyes was a bit hopeful, but he considered maybe he was being ironic in thinking so. “Look, this isn’t much of my concern to begin with. Look why don’t Ah go and send Caramel out here. You can talk with him and put the tree off if ya want. Ya look like ya need a little cheerin’ up.”
Big Macintosh raised his brow.
“Well, ya always look like ya got this dumb smile on yer face when he’s around,” Applejack joked. Big Mac smiled, though it felt tight and hurt a little. It was impossible to deny though, not that he wanted too. The thought of Caramel being here like they weren’t talking behind his back did make him feel a little better.
“Eeyup,” Big Mac admitted with the faintest hints of a blush on his cheeks.
Applejack nodded and turned. She seemed a little desperate to get out of the situation she had single hoofedly dragged herself into. Big Macintosh watched her look back once, twice, and three times before disappearing over the side of the house. His stomach twisted in a knot when he was left alone to his own thoughts. He felt a mixture of guilt and annoyance seeping through his blood. He was far from comfortable.
Even when Caramel rounded the corner he still felt off. For a while he felt like he was acting something out. Going through the motions, as one would say. Caramel asked him what was wrong a few times, but he always responded he was feeling a little off.
His body felt a bit heavier for the rest of the day.