//------------------------------// // Pink! Yellow! // Story: The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody) // by TundraStanza //------------------------------// Advisory: Please set "Formatting" to "Dark", not "Light". Thank you. A/N: I was not ready for this. I apologize if I do not incorporate absolutely every last detail from the more recent seasons. Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, Nickelodeon, and Paramount Television. --- The Moment No Pony was Waiting For Season 5 For some reason, I picture Hyper Knuckles vs. Super Sonic. Mark Twain once said that humor is tragedy plus time. I guess someone forgot to put the tragedy in time for these idiot savants in the ways of laughter. It's a rare sight to see doubles matches in Death Battle, but we felt that these duos would be appropriate. Spongebob and Patrick from Bikini Bottom. And Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich from Equestria. He's W and I'm B. And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle. ---Death Battle--- Spongebob -Spongebob Squarepants -Resembles a kitchen sponge... with arms... and a face... and square-shaped pants -Lives in a pineapple under the sea -Approximately the size of an average human hand -Can absorb water from many sources... except the ocean itself -Occupation: Fry cook (consistently chosen as Employee of the Month) -Favorite Martial Art: Karate -Struggles to lift anything heavier than two plush dolls attached to a metal bar Patrick -Patrick Star -Is a starfish... with eyes and a mouth... and pants -Lives under a rock -Can eat just about anything -Has an award "For Doing Absolutely Nothing Longer Than Anyone" -Is, in his own words, blissfully unaware of how stupid he is -Can lift amusement park rides when angered -Telekinesis? ... (Once beat himself up to help Spongebob gain access into the Salty Spittoon) Absorbent, yellow, and porous is Spongebob Squarepants, a regular character residing in Bikini Bottom. Yeah, if by "regular" you mean anything but normal. His lives in a fruit! That's unhealthy. Sure, it's not exactly the most impressive lifestyle. His morning routine consists of lifting bunny dolls in place of weights before heading down and feeding his pet snail Gary. But, it's certainly more than an average sea sponge is capable of. Heh, your mom could clean some wicked kitchen messes with that sponge. Right... anyway... Spongebob works at a fast food joint and has memorized the makings of a sandwich called a Krabby Patty down to the minute details. He's even memorized the by-laws of keeping the patty formula top secret. This guy's adventures are all over the place. I mean seriously, what kind of drugs were they taking when they wrote song-fueled buses that lead to Atlantis, a robotic takeover by a plankton of all species, and a place called Rock Bottom where buses can climb up the side of a cliff but feet can't? And that's just on the weekends. Admittedly, it is a bit mind-boggling that this oceanic world is a place where musical numbers can be made simply because a sponge has ripped their own pants one too many times. Still, it's kind of impressive that Spongebob can blow bubbles in all manner of shapes, survive multiple shock wounds from jellyfish, and has even taught himself karate. I'm not sure what good that'll do him. Even with extra stimulants, he can't lift a boat anchor while the background characters can seem to do so with only a few drops of sweat. True, but maybe that's when he can count on his friends... like a talking starfish named Patrick Star. Oh, what's that thing supposed to do? Sleep the day away while muttering about guys hitting each other with coconuts? Come on! He can't even recognize his own parents until they call each other by name. Now, now, B. You should never underestimate your opponents. Just because he's... mentally challenged and lazy on a good day, that doesn't mean he's harmless. Far from it, since he can cause massive property damage just by having fun or when he's enraged by unmet expectations. That kind of sounds like a certain co-host I know. Our interns don't cause property damage. That's not... never mind. There are some bizarre abilities in Patrick's repertoire. Like having a bottomless pit for a stomach... or being able to psychically give himself a wedgie before tossing himself about a mile away just to let someone win a fit. Seriously, what the heck happened there? All of these feats are within their capabilities despite these ocean residents being about the size of a human hand. So big things come in small kitchen and gift shop items? Neat. Whether it's retrieving Neptune's crown, running for stealing a free balloon, or- What the heck? How did becoming chocolate-selling entrepreneurs get them a date with my ex and my grandma? Augh! My eyes! Move on! Move along! "Who's... Who's... Who's a yellow sponge with holes?" "I am! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!" ---Death Battle--- Pinkie Pie -Birth name: Pinkamena Diane Pie -Earth pony mare -Good with parties -Tools of choice: Balloons and cannons -Stores miscellaneous items around in case of emergencies -Defies logic on a regular basis by playing with cartoon physics -Hammer space and the magic satchel -Has difficulty identifying negative emotions held by others unless blatantly told -Bearer of "The Element of Laughter" Cheese Sandwich -Alternate alias unknown -Earth pony stallion -Great fun at party-throwing -Tools of trade: Accordion and tanks -Entrusts his rubber chicken "Boneless" with extra stuff -Occasionally exempts himself from the laws of physics -Can pull out items at random and jump through spacial dimensions at will -Doesn't always pick up the signs of emotional turmoil in others -Suspected to be "Weird Al" in pony form; evidence pending The land of Equestria is filled with many unexplained things: Celestia and Luna's origin, the true workings of Discord's mind, and of course whatever physical laws Pinkie Pie abides by. Now there's a character that works with the boundaries of a cartoon just by breathing. Born and raised on a rock farm, it wasn't until Pinkamena Diane Pie was exposed to a Sonic Rainboom that she felt inspired to spread happiness to her family and everyone else that she possibly could. What the hell is wrong with her hair? For finding amusement even in the face of danger, Pinkie Pie was rewarded the privilege of wielding the Element of Harmony, Laughter. It makes sense, considering her passion is to bring up the mood and good cheer of everyone she considers her friends. That makes a lot more sense than half the crud that pony's own body can do. She can expand body parts like a balloon to float a few feet, hover above the screen while defying gravity for a few seconds, run faster than Rainbow Dash can fly, and literally fall to pieces after keeping a secret through an entire episode. My bubble gum can't do that... unless there's also weed in it. Speaking of nonsense, Pinkie also has this sixth sense she calls the Pinkie Sense which has a wide range of predictions from falling objects to slamming doors and even to where her toothless pet alligator is. Well, my "B" sense tells me that anything I shoot will go "boom" before it promptly gets off my property. Pinkie Pie also has weapons at her disposal, consisting of a party cannon which can shoot party supplies at its targets and a wagon capable of spitting out cake batter all over its victims. Hey, lugging those things around makes more sense than eye patch emergencies and ball emergencies. ... Heh heh. Balls. Pinkie Pie's good mood has inspired many ponies, including a fellow party fanatic named Cheese Sandwich. Like Pinkie Pie, Cheese also has a knack for breaking normal logic and doing just about anything haphazardly. He's got a diet sixth sense called the "Cheesy Sense", letting him know where his next party needs to take place. He's somehow managed to find the funds necessary to whip out a freaking party tank. Oh, and he traded in his childhood glasses for a rubber chicken and a Clint Eastwood outfit. After a bit of a misunderstanding and makeup with Pinkie Pie, Cheese inadvertently gave Pinkie a key that would be necessary to open up a locked box that helped her and her friends defeat a power-hungry centaur. But, that's a story for another day. Like his name suggests, Cheese Sandwich tends to make his zaniness head towards cheese-related items, even Swiss shoes and cheddar staffs. Is there anything these party animals can't do? There is. Despite their good intentions, neither Pinkie nor Cheese can fully pick up the signs when someone is emotionally uncomfortable with their extroversion or their antics. In fact, it takes being told outright for them to make the connection. That can be exceptionally awkward when you want to compete on your best friend's birth-aversery. Hey, I'd kill to have someone that can construct a piƱata capable of breaking a pony's spine or a confetti gun that actually hurts. So what if they're a little insane? I don't know which would be scarier: you being sarcastic or you being serious there. "Hey! That's my song!" "What do you mean? I have no idea what you're talking about." ---Death Battle--- Alright, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all. It's time for a duo Death Battle! ---Death Battle--- Lots of ponies are gathered around and cheering. Streamers are flying. Confetti is flying. Everything is flying. My eyes! At the center of it all, two ponies with crazy mane styles sing into the microphone for alternating parts. Friends and fans are gathered around. Whatever they're celebrating right now, it feels worth it. Hooves are in the air. Balloons are in the air. Smaller fillies go into the air. My feels! --- Behind the crowd and way down on the ground, a couple of bipeds walk around. While their colors contrast each other, they each share what looks like a fish bowl filled with water over their heads. One of them seems to be twisting a slightly torn piece of paper every which way. "Hmm, this doesn't look like Neptune's Paradise," comments the sponge. "I don't get it. I know we followed the instructions down to the 'O'." The star folds and unfolds his paper. "Are you sure you're holding that map right-side up?" The sponge looks over, before appearing very confused. "Um, that's a Tic Tac Toe board." "Yeah, so?" The star looks at him in mild confusion. --- Pan back up to the stage just as the song ends. The mare suddenly gets wiggly all over her body. The stallion looks over, wondering what's going on. "There's a doozy coming," she says in awe, "and it's going to be behind everypony else here." "That close?" He puts on a determined face before equipping his hat and maracas. "Well, best not keep it waiting." "Way ahead of you," she says, somehow already in a Western maid's outfit without the audience seeing when and how. --- Suddenly, a great dark shadow hovers over the lost travelers. The sponge holds completely still in an instant. "Do you ever get the feeling you're being watched?" "Sometimes in my head all the time," answers the star. "FIGHT!" Giant cylinders of pink crash down. Patrick dives out of the way, losing his scrap of paper in the process. He breathes heavily for a bit before exhaling in relief. "That was a close one. Huh, Spongebob?" He turns and looks behind him. "Spongebob?" The remains of a water helmet are scattered around one of the large, pink pillars. "Spongebob, no!" Patrick yells as he presses both of his upper limbs against his head. --- "Ew, I stepped in something." Pinkie lifts her hoof to look. "Huh, that's an awfully well-dressed sponge." Small bubbles dribble down the side of the yellow rectangle. --- Spongebob hyperventilates as his water supply leaves him almost entirely. Everything's going... pink. He silently prays for Patrick to tell his parents... that Squidward is his best friend. Furiously, Patrick runs forward and grabs one of the pink pillars in both of his limbs. He spins the towering structure all around himself several times before tossing it. Whatever it is flies over the length of a football field. --- "Whoa!" yelps the flung, pink pony. "Pinkie? Where are you going?" Cheese gallops forward after her. There's a slight sound of something cracking. He looks down at his back hoof. "Ew, I stepped in something," he mutters before continuing his chase after Pinkie. --- Patrick's last hyperventilating thoughts are for Spongebob to tell his parents... that he's adopted. "Quick Finish!" ---Death Battle--- Uh... I... Are you freaking kidding me?! Well, their personalities and zaniness may match each other pun for pun, but there's not a whole lot that can overcome the obvious size difference. Spongebob and Patrick are both small enough to fit into the grasp of human hands. Even though the ponies of Equestria are called "Little", their hooves aren't that much smaller around than the palm of your hand. But... they just... crushed them... in like thirty seconds! Pinkie and Cheese are earth ponies, commonly attributed with enhanced strength. These party ponies in particular are capable of swinging around cannons and tanks without breaking a sweat. Sure, Patrick can throw his own weight nearly a mile away when angered, but that pales in comparison to the amount of stuff these ponies can toss around on a regular basis. But... Spongepants Squarebob is a friendly little guy that can drive sandwiches and rocks like they were automobiles. Yes, but Pinkie Pie has lived a life where she can eat sandwiches and rocks. So even with all that Karate under his belt, Spongebob and his friend still can't topple what are essentially Titans? Basically, yeah. The only thing that could've potentially worked in the sea creatures' favor was if the battle took place in the ocean. However, in "Magic Duel", Pinkie Pie was stripped of both her nose and her mouth. Yet, she survived without any physically possible way to breathe for nearly twenty minutes. That is far longer than she'd need to finish off Spongebob and Patrick together. In comparison, Spongebob's record time for surviving on land without water is technically just over one minute in his challenge against Sandy. *sigh* Oh well. Looks like Squarepants and Star weren't ready for da feet. The winning team is Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich. ---Death Battle--- Meanwhile... There is a lot of hollering coming from an off screen location. It's grouped with a plethora of punching and slapping noises. After a few ropes get tossed around the apple orchard, there's a single yelp followed by a surprised whinny. A squirrel wearing a purple bra and a flower on her head walks away proudly with her bag of apple prizes. "Consarn it!" The camera pans over to an upside-down and tied up Applejack. "I would've won if that three-eyed jerk hadn't worn me out before you came along, you no-good, thieving varmint!" "That's the fakest Texas accent I've ever heard!" retorts the squirrel before scurrying on her way. Um... *ahem* This after-battle's victory goes to... Sandy Cheeks! ---