I felt nothing as I left that room. No anger, no bitterness, no words were flashing through my mind, I simply stared toward the end of the hallway and quietly walked forward. The world seemed distant and cold. My vision blurred as each pulse of my heart coursed through my body, it was the only sensation I could truly feel. Everything was silent, the world seemed still, and my emotions were numb.
Each hoofstep I placed as I walked toward the door felt impossibly small. I couldn’t let my mind think about anything aside from the patterns forming in the world as I slowly plodded through it. Everything was in order, every door, every flag, even the massive purple stripe that ran through the center of the carpet was without defect. There was nothing wrong with this place that I had wanted to join.
Amethyst trotted to my side and tried to say something, but it was lost in the deafening beating of my heart. The only reason I knew she was there was because of the imperfection she made as her purple form trotted into my view. She tried to get my attention, to get me to respond to her existence, but I simply continued to walk.
I really can’t say much as for how I felt as I walked out of that place. Having my dreams crushed so absolutely had left me in a place of utter devastation. The sole reason I had come to wake up that morning was the thought that I was going to change the world, to be something great, and I had unequivocally been told that my dreams were impossible. Sure I had broken barriers before, but they were always barriers that I had been able to break. Now, when I was meet with the greatest barrier of them all, I had failed to do anything but walk away. Those two paragraphs spoken by that ghastly figure had completely destroyed my sense of power, and any hope I had of fulfilling my dreams.
Before I knew what had happened, Amethyst had disappeared and I had exited the Union for the last time. The sensation that finally pulled me out of my trance was the sound of the two Union doors closing behind me. The last seconds I had spent taking
Despite my newfound awareness of the world around me I was still ignorant of the reality of my situation. I had failed, I had come so far only to have my dream, my destiny, turned down with two paragraphs.
The autumn air sent a chill down my spine as I started toward my dorm. I had no reason to do so, but something inside of me said I should return to where I came from. I lusted after that dark seclusion, to be away from that group of ponies that surrounded the mall of my school and instead dwell in the isolation to be alone with my thoughts. I wanted to retreat to the only place I knew wouldn’t attack me, the only world that wouldn’t try to destroy me. However, I know that my retreat was to a world that was crumbling at best.
As I stepped into my room, closed the door, and sat down at my desk, memories began to trickle into my mind. Everything was pale white, almost as though a strike of lightning had been frozen in time. I remembered the time I had started that taxing journey into my own mental realm. It was a time when I could truly experience the world as I wanted it to be. However, for some reason, I was unable to focus on anything what I had done that night. I was retreating, in a sense, into the dimension that I had made. The stars that plotted themselves against the void of my mind spun in a never ending spiral that seemed to bring some solace to my mind. It was peaceful, something that I could spend hours in.
I started focusing on each point, trying to figure out everything I could simply from its motion. They moved in a group, that much was obvious, but more than that was the fact that they all rotated around the origin. They were all focused on something, reliant on a single point in space to give them a sense of stability.
Part of me began to identify with those small swirling stars, and that is when everything began to cascade before my eyes.
The points themselves, at the introduction of my own instability, began to change their previous velocity. Instead of a circle, they began to shake along their paths, bending and warping their forms across thousands of new trajectories. It was collapsing, my world was crumbling.
My eyes shot open as they tore themselves from their interdependence and scattered into the void. That construct that I had spent hours working on had vanished right before my eyes.
“It’s over…” I whispered as I looked at my untidy desk. Without even thinking I had begun to straighten the objects on its surface. I was grasping for any semblance of control I could have on my life. At this point, anything to represent a facet of control would have been the most welcomed relief imaginable, but fate dictated that there were none. According to my own distraught mind, the objects on my desk could not be aligned properly.
I went through several iterations of arrangement, but I always landed back to the same issue with a large white space lying somewhere on its surface. I must have spent hours cleaning that desk, and it took a large amount of time for me to finally address the problem. I was out of control, I had been bested by the society I was trying so hard to destroy. I had failed at the one thing I had told myself I couldn’t have. I wasn’t prepared for the nightmare that I had been faced with.
As these thoughts rolled through my mind, I began to realize that I was, once again, delaying the inevitable. In my own sense of self-importance I had delayed the inevitable. I kept telling myself that ignoring the problem would make it go away for good, but unfortunately this was not the case. I was stuck with a life that I didn’t want to lead and there was no escape from it. I wanted so desperately to escape from the trap I was in, I had told myself that it was possible, and now I realized that I had nothing once more. I was in a world of emptiness and regret with no way out.
I tried as hard as I could to stave off the emotions that began to arise after that realization hit me, but I was powerless against the onslaught. I felt a new power, one that brought me to my hooves once more. My mind flashed with an intense surge of indistinguishable emotion. Everything I should have felt as I left the Union flowed into my veins as I imagined that ghostly figure standing in the center of the Assembly’s table. As these images rolled through my mind, the pencil I was moving to reorganize the desk hit the edge. The lead tip struck the wood and cracked. It was a small sign that I still had one more vestige of power.
I am both proud and ashamed to say this was the one time I truly experienced unbridled rage.
I slowly rose from desk, the ringing in my ears was deafening, but the sadistic grin that was growing across my face felt powerful. I still cannot explain why I was so ready to attack the world around me, to assault the only place I had for solace, but in the end it didn’t matter.
I started small, methodically breaking each tip of each pencil in sequence. I liked it, destroying things on my own will, it gave me power. It made me feel like a stallion again. However, that euphoria I experienced only drove my hunger for more destruction.
I took the small pencil in my hooves, brought it to my face, and sadistically snapped it in half. I then violently tossed the pencil against the wall, but it struck with a sound that was unsatisfactory to my reeling mind. I wanted to make something hurt as much as I had been hurt. Thank Celestia I wasn’t around anypony else at that time.
I grabbed one of the books that sat on my desk. It was my Agriculture 101 textbook. With a loud shout and a powerful strike, I sent the text flying across the room. Several more followed as I began clearing my desk of the life that I had been told to follow. I wanted blood, I wanted pain, and the small dents that were forming in the walls were evidence of my release. With each toss of a book my shouts grew louder.
Now, as I can quite clearly recall what was spoken during that period of rage, I will not repeat myself. Suffice to say that I made up a few creative combinations of common curses because those that existed were simply too standard to express my pain.
The furniture followed soon after. Earth ponies harbor considerable strength, and this made me a formidable opponent against anything that wasn’t bolted to the floor. Throwing the bookcase, seeing the chaos of the books flail through the air, hearing the resounding crash as the wood struck the wall, seeing the destruction I could cause was euphoric for me. The hole that the bookshelf gouged from the wall became my target for my next projectile: my desk. It was much heavier, and the challenge it afforded to me was something that drove me to propel it faster than I knew was possible toward the wall. It struck with a force an order of magnitude higher than the shelves, and it was beautiful to me. I cannot describe how I felt during that time, but being able to control everything around me really was spectacular.
By now, as you can probably imagine, my room was a complete wreck. Books were scattered over the floor, their pages partially torn from the chaos that had thrown them through the room. The desk and bookcase lay in the corner, their edges splintering from the force they had endured. Nothing but me ruled the room. Everything was going to be right where I wanted it to be, and that was in misery. I turned my hungered rage toward the one remaining piece of furniture that was untouched: my bed.
In my now dwindling rage, I stumbled over to the bed, grabbed the two bottom legs and dragged it across the room. The squeal the wood made as it was dragged over the tile sounded like it’s final cry for help. It begged me to spare it just as I had in the Assembly, but with less dignity. It was an evil I never wish to experience again, being satisfied at the final cries of something. I never wanted to be that kind of pony, but rage drove me as I pulled the bed across the room to the window. I used my back leg to break the glass. The violent shattering sound satisfied some deep urge in my soul. A few shards stuck into my flesh, but the pain only fueled my hatred more.
Fueled by the greatest hatred of my life, I lifted the two back legs, pushed them out of the window, and kicked the entire bed out of the window.
I slowly walked to the window and peered toward my dying victim. The sight I saw, however, was one that immediately changed my demeanor. I saw the sheet floating above the clouds below the school. I had thrown my bed off of a mountain. That was a sobering realization as I watched it plummet through the clouds.
In that moment, I remembered the pages that had flown out of the room when I had opened Evenstar’s window. I looked back to my room, my sadistic rage switched to a sinking guilt as I looked at the damage. I had destroyed everything in sight.