//------------------------------// // Chapter 5: Learning the Art of the Blade // Story: The Mystery Of Simian Island // by Violet Runner //------------------------------// Pipsqueak walked up the path and stopped when he came across a wooden building with a sign in front of it. "Bulk Biceps' Big Body Pirate Gym! Now offering sword fighting lessons." The pinto earth pony read before walking up to the door and knocking. "What do you want, wimpy little spineless maggot?" An extremely buff white pegasus with tiny wings asked answering the door. "Could you train me to be better than the Sword Master?" Pipsqueak asked. "Better than the Sword Master? You? Hahahahahahahaha!" Bulk Biceps laughed. "You could never be HALF the sword fighter Gilda is. Even with hours of hard work and sweatin' blood." The buff pegasus explained. "I remember fighting side-by-side with Gilda at Port Royal. The local constabulary had us cornered! It looked like we were done for, but then she said- But I digress." He said before getting into a long story. "You just don't have what it takes." "I do so have what it takes!" The earth pony said trying to be tough. "You do not!" Bulk stated a bit angrily. "I do so!" "You do not!" "I do so!" "I like your spirit." Bulk Biceps said giving in. "I'll do what I can. Of course, it'll cost you. 30 Bits should do it." "Ok." Pipsqueak said handing over the Bits. "Alright, now let's see your sword." The pegasus said taking the Bits. "Ok, cheek it out." He said pulling it out. "Yes, this is a nice one. Let's get to it" Bulk Biceps said leading him inside. "Ok you maggot." He said getting down to business. "Why don't you whip that sword out and let's see what you can do with it." The buff pony said as Pipsqueak put the handle in his mouth and stated waving it around. "Boy! You fight like a dairy farmer! I usually don't waste my time with vermin like yourself. But seeing as this Sombra thing has put a cramp on business, I've got no choice. I need the money." He explained as Pipsqueak continued to wave his sword. "I can see this is going to take some special measures. Just want you to know, I don't do this with everyone. It's only because I feel that special student mentor bits bonding that I'm going to these lengths. I'm going to put you up against, THE MACHINE!" Bulk Biceps said as he left the room "Machine? Is this going to hurt?" The pinto earth pony asked as Bulk Biceps returned with a strange monkey operated contraption. "Yikes!" He said getting a good look at it. "Come at me." The buff pony instructed. "Don't be afraid, you won't hurt me." He said as the training began. "Watch your foot work! Use your forte against the foible. Distance, distance! Advance, Thrust, Recover, Parry, Riposte!" "You're starting to get the hang of it." Bulk Biceps said a few hours later. "Not bad. You've got good form." He said even more hours later. "Now I'm gonna let you in on the true secret of sword fighting. Sword fighting is kinda like making love. It's not always what you do, but what you say. Any fool pirate can swing a sharp piece of metal around and hope to cut something. But the pros, they know just when to cut their opponent with an insult, one that catches them off guard. You see, kid, your wit's got to be twice as sharp as your sword.” Bulk explained. "Let's try a couple of insults out, shall we?" He asked to which Pipsqueak nodded. "Ok. Imagine this: We're fighting up a storm, just like Gilda and I were doing at Port Royal. There's a sudden break in the fighting and I say to you, 'You fight like a dairy farmer!'. You respond with?" "I am rubber, you are glue." Pipsqueak said giving his best comeback. "I can see we've got a lot of work to do here." Bulk Biceps sighed. "You should have responded with something like 'How appropriate. You fight like a cow.'. You see, it's razer-sharp wit like that that wins fights." He explained. "Let's try another. Imagine this: You're trapped up against a wall, my sword just slashed two cuts into your face. I say 'Soon you'll be wearing my sword like a shish-kabob!'. You respond with?" "So's you're mother." The earth pony said still not getting the hang of it. "I can see we're in deep trouble here." The white pegasus said face hoofing. "A correct response to 'Soon you'll be wearing my sword like a shish-kabob!' would have been something like 'First you'd better stop waving it like a feather-duster!'. See, razer-sharp. Now I suggest you go out there and learn some insults." Bulk Biceps said ending the lesson and kick Pipsqueak out. "I can't help but feel like I've been ripped off. I'm sure if this was a fanfiction people would feel the same way after waiting almost two years for a new chapter." Pip said as the door closed behind him before walking back down the path.