//------------------------------// // Chapter 8 // Story: Princess Sky Stormer // by Skymaster9929 //------------------------------// "It has come to my attention that you have had a rather alarming number of attempts on your life these past few days." Princess Celestia said. "No, really?" An exhausted and sleepless Sky Stormer asked sarcastically, her bed on fire, the bedroom literally coated in green and red splashes, her tea on fire thanks to how much magic poison was in it. "Want some tea?" She offered angrily. "No." Princess Celestia said, batting the cup away with a wing, hitting an invisible assassin in the face. It became visible as the flaming poison burned him. "OH, THAT'S JUST RIDICULOUS." Sky shouted. "Indeed." Princess Celestia said as her horn glowed and her magic picked up the body, swinging around the room like a sword and hitting five more invisible assassins to the ground, their invisibility fading. "How can you see them?" Sky asked. "I can't. Elder Alicorns can predict the future, sensing things such as danger and threats before they happen." Princess Celestia said. "So... you just sensed me getting stabbed a bunch of times?" Sky asked. "Yes." Princess Celestia stated. "Wow, that must suck." Sky realized. "Wait, does that mean you know what's going to happen, always?" "Not always. Sometimes, unexpected things happen. Like Discord." She said. "Why do these assassins even bother? Aren't we both immortal?" Sky asked, getting a future sense and kicking a leg back. It missed the assassin, who stabbed her in the rear, and Princess Celestia threw him out the window and pulled the blade out with her mouth. Sky blushed and smiled nervously. "Lesser ponies need some hope in their lives. Like the hope that they can actually do something about who is in power. It is sad." Princess Celestia said. Her horn glowed, and four invisible assassins burst into flame. "...But funny." She said, smiling. "Dang, Celly! You scary." Sky laughed. "Indeed, I am." Princess Celestia said. "Now... where are your friends?" "I gave them rooms in this hotel, and money from the royal coffers to spend. While I'm busy with Alicorn stuff, they can enjoy the fun Canterlot has to offer." Sky said happily. "But what about you? Don't you want to spend time with them?" Princess Celestia asked. "I'm busy with Alicorn stuff." Sky shrugged. "Besides, they're having fun without me." "That's not a good sign." Princess Celestia said. "I'm not becoming evil. In fact, want to know what I did today?" Sky offered. "Food!" Sky Stormer yelled happily in the Canterlot Slums, surrounded by tables piled high with fruits and vegetables, and starving ponies hungry for her food. "Get your free food!" She hoofed the food out to orphan foals, builders, street sweepers, chimney sweepers, and ponies with bad Cutie Marks, like toilet-cleaning and leatherworking. "Thanks, Princess Sky!" An adorable white orphan colt with a brown patch on one eye said happily, eating a cabbage for the first time in his life. "I suppose your Princess friends told you to do this, to make us like you more?" A grumpy old ugly stallion asked. "Nope! I'm doing this completely behind their backs. If I was supposed to do this, I'd have Royal Guards with me and they'd carry crates of food. Instead, I carried the food myself with my magic." "I wish I was an Alicorn." The grumpy old stallion said sadly. "Why?" Sky asked. "So I could fly. And do what you're doing. And live forever. I don't wanna die." He said quietly. "That's alright." Sky said, her horn glowing. She made the old stallion young again, and was amazed at how good he looked as a young buck, blushing. "Wooooooooohooooooo!" He yelled happily, parkour jumping up onto the rooftops so he could scream, "PRINCESS SKY IS THE GREATEST PRINCESS! BEST PRINCESS! KINDEST PRINCESS! AND MOST WONDERFUL PRINCESS OF AAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL-LUH!" "You pronounced Luna wrong!" A green mare yelled, getting out of their window. "Luna never did THIS!" The formerly-old pony yelled happily. "So that's how your tab is so high." Princess Celestia sighed. "And why that pony kept shouting about your glory until we had to send some royal guards to take him home... Well, at least you aren't gorging yourself in misery like I feared." "Ew, no. I'll never get fat." Sky said. "Good." Princess Celestia said. "It would negatively affect your image." "Literally!" Sky said. They laughed, the assassins laughed, and the assassins were choked. "I think you need royal guards." Princess Celestia said, opening the door and walking out. "Go and talk to your friends, I'll see what I can do. Also, your coronation is in two days." "Thank you, Princess Celestia." Sky said, and went upstairs to see seventeen bodies on the floor, Stroke standing on top of the pile. Her other friends, Snowy and Patty, were also there, but they didn't have piles of their own. "Hey, Sky." Patty said happily. "We're finally seeing you! Isn't it assassin-GREAT?" Snowy hit her with her tail. "Really, dear, you simply have no manners." And then Snowy suddenly glomed Sky. "Oh, Sky, how horrible was military training? Did those horrible brutes make you... exercise?!" The pony asked, over-reacting. "Uh..." Sky said in surprise. "Oh! You've already lost all three hundred of your IQ points!" Snowy cried, weeping. "That isn't my score." Sky pointed out. "And it never will be, because you've become a bruuuuute!" Snowy wept. Stroke bucked her in the face. "Thanks, dear, I needed that." Snowy said. "Come on, guys! I'm still the same person I've always been!" Sky said. "Yeah, but with POWER!" Patty said happily. "Want to know what I did with my money? "Boss?" Patty asked happily as she entered the Rusty Rat, Equestria's worst fast food place, owned by a donkey named Ratface. The food was bland, the animatronics ate people, and the boss was an elderly jackass that didn't deserve to live. He underpaid her, never paid her for overtime, paid her less than the other two male workers - yes, for the same work, not for less work like usual. He's seriously that big a jerk - and tried to hit on her when he wasn't talking down to her, threatening to fire her, or being a jerk by calling her an ugly, smelly pony that nopony could ever want or love, and how her burger-flipping Cutie Mark represented how that was all she'd ever be in life: A stupid burger-flipping idiot that could never do or be anypony else. He, on the other hand, was a 'Purebred Donkey', a superior breed - In his mind and imagination only - and could be whatever he wanted. Which was why he was a miserable, whiny, pathetic, fat, ugly, annoying, elderly, stupid jackass whose only positive contribution to the planet was the fact that his dung made an okayish fertilizer, even if it was inferior to actual pony dung. Regardless, he would often poop on the linoleum floor of his office and make Patty clean it up, because he was a horrible, horrible person. "What?" The ugly mule growled, reading The Stun newspaper, a newspaper mad by jackasses for jackasses. It was also utterly terrible in every way. "Good news, everyone!" Patty said, pulling a spatula out of her mane, heating it up on the grill, and burning the stupid mule on it, right on his flanks, making the little rat scream while the ponies eating choked on their food in surprise and the workers laughed and cheered. "You finally have a Cutie Mark now, you sub-pony jackass! And would you look at that! IT'S A GRILLE! I guess this means YOU are destined to work here forever." Patty said, pulling the spatula off his flank, reheating the spatula while he fell to the ground and cried, and slapping it onto his other flank. "Which is good, because I QUIT! And then I'll buy this place from your boss, and YOU will work for ME, jackass!" Everypony stared at Patty, surprised. "Wow. I didn't know you had it in you!" Snowy said. "But wait, there's more!" Patty said happily. "I had some money left over, and I knew exactly what I'd spend it on. Royal Guards came after me, and arrested me, and I said, 'I'm glad I burned that jackass'. I paid for this awesome lawyer named Pheonix. Not only did he get me off; he got me knighted in the New Year's Honours List. And the relatives of the victim had to pay to get my spatula cleaned, AND get me a new one! I got a magical one made of onyx and omegasteel, which is fourty times stronger than regular steel and seven times lighter. It's amazing, it glides through the air like a sword, and it can heat itself up, shoot fireballs, become a flaming sword, make fire shields, and cook steaks PERFECTLY, NO MATTER WHERE I AM. If I wanted, I could make EVERY STEAK ON THE PLANET become deliciously medium rare, and NOPONY WOULD EVER KNOW I DID IT! It can bend and eat fire, too, and heal people. And since it's so expensive, that jackass is now my indentured servant, FOR LIFE! And so are his foals and grandfoals!" "That awful brute was married?" Snowy gasped. "Of course not. A crazy batpony mare working for Princess Luna was all too happy to have her Celestia's Guard Unicorn friend use time magic to give me some slave batpony-mule suddenly-teenaged foals to work with their dad. She thought it was hilarious." "You have issues." Stroke said quietly. "What did you do with your money, Stroke?" Sky asked Stroke. "Oh, um..." Stroke said quietly and shyly. Sky thought she was really cute, and her Alicorn urges were starting to act up, so she bit her tongue and imagined Ratface naked. And then she remembered he was always naked, so she gave him a clown nose, a rainbow wig, and white face paint. In her dark basement, Stroke laughed, surrounded by magical weapons and torture equipment. "Art supplies." Stroke said quietly. "That's beautiful- I mean wonderful!" Sky said, blushing. "Snowy, what did you spend your money on?" Sky stood on a stage with a red curtain behind her. "The censors said we couldn't show you this flashback. So, because we need to fill a few seconds of screen time, let's teach young fillies and foals about the importance of staying safe when flyi-" "College debts." Snowy lied badly. "We don't have those in this country." Sky said. "Yes, well..." Snowy said nervously. "I bet the soldiers hurt you!" "They did not! They all died. But one didn't. Well, two didn't. No, one soldier didn't die, and one idiot didn't die." Sky growled. "And that would be you?" Patty laughed. "Ahahahahaha- You suck, Patty." Sky said tiredly. "Oh, wow, Mrs Big-Shot Alicorn is too cool for jokes. Didn't you cry about Snakes a few months ago?" Patty asked. "They don't have any wings!" Sky declared. "Neither do Earth Ponies and Unicorns." Patty pointed out. "I know." Sky said sadly. "Sorry, guys. I've just been under a lot of pressure lately." "Like that assassin stabbing your neck?" Snowy asked delicately. "What?!" Sky asked, turning her head around, the assassin on her back getting pulled to the front, his wrist-knife stuck in her head. Sky looked around, swinging the hooded assassin around like a doll, and then she glared at Snowy. "That isn't funny." "No, but that is!" Patty laughed, getting her spatula out of her mane and setting the assassin on fire, dragon claws made of fire appearing to pull out the blade and burn the assassin until he couldn't move. "Ow." Sky said once he was out. "Hey, I think he hurt my nervous system. ...aaaand it's back. Ow." "Hey, are you alright, dear?" Snowy asked. "Guys?" Sky asked. "Yes?" Her friends asked. "I think it would be a good idea to GET OUT OF THIS HOTEL WHILE ASSASSINS ARE ATTACKING!" Sky yelled. They rushed outside, the royal guard FINALLY got here, and the day was saved by... just kidding, more than half of the guard died when they trampled over each other to get up the stairs, and really, Princess Celestia did most of the work. As Sky walked with her friends to the local cinema, she wondered if Celestia's guard was designed to keep the best fighters in the land alive... or keep the worst soldiers in the country out of the public eye. After all, it took real skill to mess up standing around like an idiot. And those idiots certainly lacked skill.