My hooves ran through my mane nervously. Twigs and loose dirt fell out of it and onto the leaf covered ground of the forest. The edge of the Everfree was my new mountain cave, a hideout but certainly not a sanctuary. The sounds of the creatures that inhabited the Everfree were constant reminders of my recent failures.
"Why? Starlight you horrid fool! You caused all of this!" I slammed my front legs into the dirt.
This was the twelfth time I yelled this. The night hours that had long passed gave me little sleep, but at least my inherit fears kept my mind busy. Now the morning brought nothing but burning regret. The sun seemed to forsake me as it barely brought its light through the thick trees. My mind no longer worried about the monsters harbored within the Everfree and was free to recount every mistake I had ever made.
"Discord will kill me if I go back!" I added to my worries. "Why couldn't Celestia just keep me in Canterlot? Surely being brainwashed to follow her would be less painful than this!"
They no doubt were searching for me. I was shocked that the draconequus had not found me already. With such power, why wasn't I a turned into an ever-dying frog by now? It was indeed suspicious, but like always, I could not find reasoning.
"You fool! Why are you so stubborn!" I screamed at the woods.
This was the thirteenth time. I was hungry, I was miserable, and I had no plans. For the first time in my life, I felt that any planning would not save me. I had relied so heavily on my own capabilities, but that confidence had long left me.
"I couldn't even keep my village..."
My depression made me collapse on the ground. My cheeks rested on a mossy rock and my eyes distractedly followed the bugs on a log. I felt like sighing, but I did not even muster the strength to do that.
"So this is how it feels to have no hope..."
I would describe the feeling as awful, but also strange or foreign. Had I ever felt hopelessness before? It was a legit question in my mind. I had suffered being bullied, ridiculed, hurt, betrayed, misguided, unloved, and neglected. Through all that, did I have hope? This made me pause. Of course I did! Without hope, how did I push myself back up? I was accustomed to being on the ground, but I was also used to standing upright! No cutie mark brought me down, no destiny told me I was a failure. I made myself. Once again, I was knocked down and bloodied, but never have I stayed down. This would be no different.
"Get yourself up!" I ordered myself. "Laying down has never helped you!"
I threw myself back onto my hooves. If I gave up, Twilight would win! If I gave up, I would lose everything. If I gave up, I would betray the only thing I have left in this world: myself. This was not going to happen.
"I am not what they believe me to be!" I stamped on the ground. "I am no deceiver, I am no monster! What kind of visionary would I be if my vision is wasted in these woods? I am a crafted visionary! A messenger for the future generations. Everypony can live without cutie marks. Everypony can be equal! All they need to do is try!"
My face faltered. "Stop lying to yourself. You have lied and manipulated ponies for your own cause. You are no better than Twilight."
I blinked and paused. "How can you think this? I am trying to bring harmony to the world! How am I the villain?"
"You never had friends in Our Village. You know this."
"They were close to being my friends. Some were already there. Look at Double Diamond..."
"Who you beat into submission," I interrupted myself.
"It was necessary."
"And so was the bully you tortured?"
"Stop this, you know it was an accident."
"An accident you caused, Starlight."
"He needed to know how life was without a cutie mark."
"It was petty revenge."
"Who are you? Where did you come from?"
"Starlight, you know I've always been here, ever since you obeyed Mother's orders..."
I slammed my hooves in my forehead to make myself shut up. I was going mad. Twilight's tricks were working on me. I was weakening in my worldview. I buried my face in my hooves, trying to hold on to the future of equality. I could not succumb to madness. I had gotten so far! It was too sweet a vision to give up so easily.
"Did ya guys hear all that?" a voice echoed through the trees.
I recognized it as Rainbow Dash's gruff voice. My heart leaped and I fled behind a thick bush. She had undoubtedly heard my argument with myself. I levitated some branches over to me to improve my hiding spot. Her bold mane could be easily seen through the thick brush and foliage. She was not alone either. Her friends, all of them, were also searching the forest.
"Starlight! Starlight, where are you?" Twilight called.
"Don't ya worry none, we calmed Discord down," Applejack said.
"Guys! This is hide-in-seek! We are seekers. We are supposed to find her, not draw her out!" Pinkie said excitedly.
"Oh please, Pinkie," Rainbow sighed, "if she doesn't come out soon, I'll just have to search every inch and get her flank myself."
"I wouldn't, Rainbow," Twilight said in a lowered voice. "Starlight is not some average unicorn, she has great magical talent. If she is still upset, she may harm you or worse! We are trying to get her back, but we cannot do so recklessly."
Rainbow performed a spin in the air. "Pshaw! She can't hit me even if she wanted to! I'd blow by her bolts so fast, she wouldn't even know what hit her!"
"Rainbow, we also are not trying to apprehend her! We should think of her as a friend, not an enemy. We'll defend ourselves if need be, but combat will only happen as a last resort!"
Rainbow rolled her eyes at the princess, but said nothing more. They drew closer to my hiding spot. I now wondered if Twilight could feel my magical presence. Not that any unicorn or alicorn had ever felt me like that before, it was just an irrational fear. My head was filled with plenty of fears at that moment. I feared if they were actually concerned for me. I was afraid they were lying and trying to draw me out before attacking me or arresting me. I was afraid if I hid, that I would never return to civilization. Most of all, I was afraid of being in exile again, alone and unloved. Those mountains of the north did nothing good for me and I knew that this forest would only be worse.
I kept arguing with myself over the subject. Hide, attack, or give up? My hooves thumped my head, trying to get me to make a decision. As the six approached, my thinking started to become aloud. I felt my lips move and words emit from them.
"What to do...what to do?"
"Starlight?" Twilight asked the air.
I sighed. My decision was practically made up for me. "I'm here."
I stepped out from the bush with my eyes to the ground. My usual stubbornness had all but left me. I sat on the moss of some rocks as they inspected me with awe. None of them took many steps towards me once I revealed myself. Twilight was the closest, not surprisingly, and she had a smile on her face.
"There you are! We've been looking for you," she said.
"I know. I...I want to apologize for creating such a ruckus and...and you know," I did not want to be specific.
"That's fine," Fluttershy said happily. "It isn't the first time my cottage has been destroyed. You don't know the early days of when Harry the Bear moved in. Oh, and besides, Twilight has already fixed most of it."
"And Discord can finish it," Twilight concluded.
"How can you calm him? He'll skin me or worse if he sees me again," I told them.
"Naw, he just needs some days to calm down. He's a sweetie once you know how to control his moods. I will agree though, you two probably shouldn't see each other 'til next week at least," Fluttershy said in her soft voice.
"After this charade, I probably won't see the sun either," I said. "Go ahead, cast your spell, remove my magic. I bet I'm going back to Canterlot, right?"
"Not at all," Twilight shook her head. "And I will not remove your magic. I am disappointed that you became so angry, but I also believe some of the blame is my own. I'm not sure if I'm going the right route."
"What made you make that conclusion?" I sarcastically asked.
"Well, I think I'm forcing you to be friends with us. However, friendship is a choice, a very important one. So, you will continue to live in the castle, but you may choose who you hang out with. You can even speak with the Crusaders if you wish."
Rarity's eyes opened wide. "Good heavens, you cannot be serious, Twilight!"
"I am. Even though I shouldn't, I have full confidence in Starlight. It's no longer about reforming you, it's about teaching you another way. Friendship cannot be taught with a manual or single teacher. You have to go out and make friends or let friends find you."
She continued. "And we shall help you, Starlight. You shall be a kind of student, not a prisoner, under me. If you have questions or need a pony to lean on, I'll be there. We all will be there. What do you say?"
I scratched the moss with a hoof. "I still think you as an enemy, but I believe you do care for me. I've lost many friends, and now realize that my village made me no friends. I'm at the bottom. I...hope this works."
Twilight walked up to me and gave me a hug. I tried to squirm out of it, but her hold on me was surprisingly tight. "Don't worry, Starlight. It will work."
They escorted me back to Ponyville. It was a short and silent trip back to civilization. Half of me felt guilty, the other felt angry. Why was I going along with this? Was I just confused? Was I finally accepting Twilight's tainted ways? I had a myriad of questions but not a single answer. How could I understand these teachings if I did not understand my own emotions?
We soon arrived back at Twilight's castle. They allowed me to enter the crystal palace first. They treated me like some guest of honor. Though some of their smiles were fake and only a couple sincere, I still felt like they were changing their attitude towards me. It was odd that I was actually starting to think that they cared for me.
We gathered in the throne room around the Cutie Map. Spike was not in attendance, so I tried to get comfortable in his tiny throne. With Pinkie's incessant giggling and Rarity's grunts of disapproval, we started some sort of improvised meeting.
"Alright!" Twilight said happily. "Let's start this little meeting. Girls, we have a single task ahead of us: to let Starlight be able to make friends here and have a great time. Let us all agree that it's time to move on from the past and start anew?"
There answers were not all instant.
"Agreed," Applejack said first.
"Absolutely!" Pinkie giggled.
"Agreed," Fluttershy nodded.
"I guess so..." Rarity huffed.
"Sure why not?" Rainbow shrugged.
"Agreed!" Twilight said.
Then all eyes turned to me. I felt instant pressure upon myself as their large, but harmless, eyes looked at me. They also wanted my input. However, it was easy for them to get beyond their interactions with me. I was about to forgive them of all the chaos they brought into my life. Taking my home away, taking my supposed friends away, and taking part of my sanity along with it all.
"Agreed," I uttered.
"Well then! It's settled," Twilight was goofy in her joy. "From now on, Starlight shall have freedom to go as she must. She shall live here but will no longer be held as a prisoner in my castle. This time is meant for healing and discovery. It's time for her to discover her own friends, even if that means it's not us."
I felt my heart lift, or did it drop? Either way, these words hit me much harder than I should allowed them to. How was this possible? We both had such anger and hatred towards each other. I still believed that cutie marks were a lie, but they did not seem to care about that anymore. It was odd. It was confusing. It was almost unreal. Was this part of being a friend? Being able to forgive others so easily?
"Don't worry, Starlight," Applejack spoke with a smile, "we'll take good care of ya. If ya need help on anything, physical or emotional, jus' holla!"
"This calls for a party!" Pinkie jumped out of her throne and onto the Map.
"Not now, Pinkie," Twilight stopped her. "I think we should save any party for later. Unless Starlight wants one?"
"Of course not," I said a bit too harshly. "I rather have some more quiet time, if you don't mind."
Twilight rubbed her cheeks on mine. "And that's fine. The most important part of this mission is not only having you make friends, but also being able to go through it without much stress. These past days have been hard on you. If you need rest, by all means, your bedroom is still there for you."
I gently pushed her face away. "Thank you. I think I shall take up that offer."
With that, I got up out of Spike's throne and slowly walked out of the throne room. I did not look back, but I knew they all watched me leave. Here I was, leaving their sight while still having my magic and apparently new-found freedom. I could do whatever I wanted in those seconds. I had the power to match up with them. I had the capability to battle them to the last parcel of magic. However, I did not and simply went up to my bedroom in the grand castle.
I already knew this was a start of something bigger in my life. Like always, I thought of ways I could take advantage of their supposed kindness. They were sincere, I knew this, but was I? Could I fool them into thinking I had fell to their lopsided ways of thinking? It was true I wanted friends. It was true I built Our Village not only to spread equality, but also make ponies like me. Did I need friendship? That was the better question. Was it better to rule like I did in Our Village or was it better to lower yourself to such a level that you could be squashed by any passerby? I had to give up something to gain something. What I was giving up, I was not entirely sure.
"I guess I'll find out..."
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