//------------------------------// // Chapter 9: Pinkie Pie Must Die // Story: Deadpool Kills the My Little Pony Universe // by iamthemithras //------------------------------// "So... we meet again for the last and second time..." He paused and thought about what he said. He glanced back at her, looking for an acknowledgement of any kind that would mean he made sense. The pale yellow mare stared at him with blank sunken eyes and mumbled with a voice as understandably confused if you were to say something to an introduction like that "Um... yes" "Right. Yeah" The beast stood a few paces from her door. Streaks of the moonlight revealed splotches of her otherworldly visitor, standing between her and the only door in Rarity’s room "Why are you doing this?" Dead eyes locked to sunken ones. The wind blew harshly against the trees outside. The damp air rushed in from the window behind her. He scoffed a little, taken by her sudden display of fortitude. "Because... I'm the hero the multiverse deserves" "What?" "It needs me. The multiverse needs me. To be its abolitionist" Her brows met, trying to understand the metaphor "... A-Abo-bo.. Abolitionist?" He stepped forward. The sound of his footsteps crashing like waves in the ocean. He stopped, towering an arm's reach in front of her, far enough to grab and break her neck then and there. "Let me drop a little anecdote to you. You and I are slaves. Slaves to corporations. Pimped to live in an endless cycle of pain, death, fan service and whored-out writers for the sake of money and continuity" He bent down to her, their faces only a palm away from each other "Do you know how it feels like to die and be resurrected over and over again? ... Maybe you don't because you're probably not some comic book character whose popularity is plummeting and has a writer who has to think of some bullshit story to make your book boost sales... I think we all felt that, but I'm the only one that knows" Almost unseen, he unsheathed a sword from his back and brought the blade to her neck - yet she did not flinch nor did she blink. A face undaunted stared him back. A muzzle that smelled decay a hundredfold. Eyes beheld death a thousand fold. A heart shattered too many times. "Don't be sad kid. I'm here to break that cycle for everyone, don't you see? I'm here to save you all. What's your single death to a million of your lives living in limbo?" He pushed down his blade on her neck but not enough to cut her skin against the dull edge of the blade "So I hunt, because I can do it. I'm not your hero. I'm your loudmouth guardian. Your chimichanga protector. May I say... A Dark Knight" She stood there for a moment, studying his gaze. Thought for a moment if what they said about seeing through someone’s eyes was true – if she could somehow see into this monster’s soul through his eyes - If it has one. “Yeah I know. That would have been a little better had I said it back in 2013. But you fit what you can in a story knowing how long this has been going on, right?” Chapter 9: Pinkie Pie Must Die Cold dead air breezed over her coat. The floor she laid down on shook, as if it was gaining momentum with her heartbeat - constantly arising along the deep resounding tremors. Her eyes awake but their lids kept shut, glued to their sockets resisting the glowing viridian spread out in her vision. [[Sh... be q...]] She tried to focus the thoughts wandering the abyss of her mind. Voices new yet strangely familiar compels her eyes to greet the dawn. Her eyelids flutter about, opening like a door to forbidden worlds. The stagnant air fills her senses, the smell like a strange mix of brimstone and coal leaving a burnt sensation to her tongue. "..Ghc..! ..ckk--" Her mind was not clouded enough to ignore the irritation on her muzzle. She twitched but It continued like ants piercing her flesh by each leg as it gnaw inside her nostrils. "AHH--!" By reflex, her right hoof immediately lunged and swatted and her muzzle. The irritation was soon replaced by a burning sensation going inside her eyes and nasal cavity. "AHH! AAAAHH!" her eyes shot up as she flail her hooves about her face, trying to remove the smog filling up the insides of her face "AAAAAAAHHHH!" [[BAHAHAHAHA!]] "AAHAHAHAHA!" Tears fill up her eyes as the stinging continues. As she struggle against the pain, the human she met earlier and a pony were on the floor laughing at her. She screams for help, but all she gets is a hoof and a finger pointing at her. "AHH! HEEELP! HELP!" [[AAAHHAHAH!]] "AHAHA! OH MY GOD - BWAHAHA!" She fought back her tears but the pain lingered. She wished for a thought she had claws to rip her face so that the burning inside would stop. [[AAHAHAHAHA!]] "WAHAHA! HOLY SHIT HAHAHA!" Things happening too fast for her to think about, all the pain left as soon as it came. Her vision distorted by her own tears, she looked up to the two people who were still laughing at her. Gasping for air, she tried to get answers "WHAT... What.. WHAT HAPPENED?!" The two were finally calming down. The human reached for breaths between suppressing giggles while the other mare who suspiciously looks and acts like Pinkie Pie kept snorting like a pig. "AHH-AHH... okay -- AHAHA!... okay... okay--" He took another deep breath "--okay!... okay..." "...." [[....]] "...." [[....]] "AAAHHHAHAHAHA!" [[HAHAHAA--AAAHAHA!]] She rubbed her eyes a bit more until she was sure she could finally see clearly. She waited for a few moments for them to tire out from laughing. She finally approached them, wary of any tricks. “No, seriously, what did you do? Did you do some sort of magic on me while I was out…?” “Magic? No no no, just some good old Pumpkin Spice” Deadpool held a jar to her and threw it away “It was funny while it lasted that one week at most, two years ago. This part was a bit behind so I apologize for that. Won’t happen again maybe, but who am I to keep promises at this point?” He shrugged. The things you do to occupy time it seems “I don’t know why, but I like you Lyra. With all the crazy shit that’s been happening, I think you’re crazy enough that I could actually trust you… on some levels” [[But don't trust crazy all the way because that's crazy and you're crazy - But trust crazy enough because if you can't trust crazy, what can you trust? ]] The mare also shrugged her shoulders. “Thanks” As she stood up he immediately pulled her close “Can you see it? It’d be just like my Team-up days! Me going on wacky adventures with some other characters whose comics don’t sell as good as mine, killing people and taking names. The good old post-Cable and Deadpool days, I say! Truly I was - and am an inspiration to us all.” At this point in writing, the current My Little Pony comics have sold more copies than the entire Deadpool collection dating back to 1991. “Is that what humans do?” “They sure do my light blue companion! Human beings are capable of evil deeds indeed” “Yeah… I kinda sniffed that out” also her coat is teal. Deadpool held her face close to him. You know technically horses have their eyes at the side of their heads and you see it when you face them up front but these ponies when you look at them that way their eyes looks like their place right in front instead of the sides? It might be the creepiest thing with this show, he thought of himself “You have a good nose young padawan, but is your heart set and your mind ready? The road to being human is fraught with many trials and hardships. You will learn to harden your heart and betray those close to your heart. Like every human you will experience your first heartbreak, always ever thinking about what could have been, constantly screaming as you recount every vivid detail of the embarrassment that day and all the mixed emotions you’ll moved on with over until you get over the age of 52 or something” He continued “You will eventually settle with a job you’d like at first but after two months you couldn’t hate more, taking orders from over-privileged idiots cursing at you for not knowing what they don’t know either which they could have figured out by looking at a manual or going to the internet but you couldn’t because of your rushed training process and forced to learn most things on the job which will do real shit to your customer satisfaction metric” He gave her 3 whole seconds to pull that in, and then wonder briefly what exactly did he said back there. Then he laid it all flat to her “Are you so willing to give up your life fluttering about in the woods, occasionally grazing on grass while listening to some Bob Marley tunes or whatever ponies really do for a life laden with heartaches, blood, despair, hopelessness, and death just to be with your inner nature?” “Uhh…” She gotta admit, that made her think about all this wanting to be human thing. He added before she made up her mind “I’m not saying it’s not a good path. And I’m also not saying that you know too much by now to let you go just like that. And I’m also not insinuating in any way that if you don’t agree I can just kill you right here to make up for the trouble having Pinkie Pie bring us both here” [[Not that a killing today would be any more trouble that is]] She made up her mind, she wanted to prove to these people she was determined to see this through “Listen to me. I left all my friends back in Ponyville for a murderer who killed half of them and most of the population of Canterlot, and in the middle of the Everfree forest - I almost got killed by a manticore in the process just so I can figure out more about myself. You have NO IDEA how important this all really is to me. Yes I want to be like you. I’ve sacrificed so much already and I’m not giving up now - even... If it had to come to more than this... Also, we don’t graze on grass” “R-Right. Sorry, last time I gave that speech was to a cow. I fought a cow once, you know? Did I ever mention that to you?” “… No, I don’t believe so…?” “Right. Pinkie can you scare the shit out of her?” “No wait—“ Simply to admit it scares her but she does not know what terrifies her the most - what happened in Canterlot or how could this affect Discord. She have no idea how where she summoned such fortitude to wait him out for this long but she sat there, unmoving, waiting for a snide remark at the very least but there was only silence. She would wait him out all year if she could but with Luna out of the way someone has to move the sun and the moon. She stood up, her eyes still fixed on the column sprayed with his blood. Its every pattern and detail etched in her mind; streaks of Discords' fluids moving every angle away from the debris, a crude message which appears to be almost hastily written using the pool of blood leaking from the column it is on - an image like this would haunt anypony else for the rest knowing what she knows and what must have happened. "Deadpool was here" A symbol. Its meaning escapes her but she has stared long enough that it has been ingrained in her memory, A circle with a straight-through vertical line parting it in the middle, a dot on the center of each half. Perhaps it has no meaning, for what meaning is there to be had from what happened? "It is time to bring down the sun" "Yes it is, dear Celestia" She raised her head, the sound of his voice coming from every side of the hall. She heaved a slight sigh of relief but she could feel her heart beating "What have you been thinking about, Discord?" her voiced lingered in the hall for a moment before she continued "How do you feel?" She could feel the silence ringing in her ears. The sound of his deep sigh rumbled the hall "I feeel... Just fiiiine...." His tired voice trailed off. Celestia's eyes centered back on the fallen column over his body "Please come and speak to me, Discord" "Oh, but I am speaking to you" his suddenly had a jolt in his manner "Here I am now... speaking... to you, my dear..." "What is this Deadpool, Discord?" There was silence again "Did it kill you?" Silence again but it did not last long "That would... depend on the context, I think" Her eyes stared away at every corner of the main hall, the pool of blood on the floor still dripping away from the orifices of his mangled body crushed from the platform. The debris chipped from the walls around them, blood splattered from one side and the other "I for one am very much alive but this whole sordid experience has got me to think real deep... I must admit I didn't expect to be taken out so easily. In all my years I've never really seen this kind of tenacity... guess you really never stop learning even for immortal deities such as ourselves, no?" "How did it do it?" "Does it matter? It won't be happening again I assure you." "I want to know for once what we are dealing with here. This sort of... tenacity I must say brings a shock I surely share with you" "Exactly! - I've never seen anything like this, You've never seen anything like this - Who HAS? Coming to the point I want to make, this Deadpool - HE is not from our world... from both sides of the equation. Figuratively and Literally" "I suspected as much" She closed her eyes to think for a moment "Why is he doing this? Do you know?" "He did not say" It annoyed her to hear that. All this time waiting for him to talk and still there isn't any lead to all of this "He is not working alone though." Celestia almost jumped at his response "I have seen it myself" She turned everywhere in the room "Who? Who is Deadpool working with?" He paused for a moment, not sure if her royal highness could take it. But he imagined for all that's happened lately, she's taking it very well. His sighed echoed the hall "You won't believe me when I tell you..." "With what I've seen this Deadpool can do, I would believe anything" She swore she heard Discord sigh deeply again everywhere in the Throne room. "Please do not delay this any further" "Pinkie Pie" "What?" "It's Pinkie Pie, Celestia. She's working with Deadpool" The princess stepped forward, trying to connect everything with what she heard "Pinkie Pie?" "Yes" "... I see" She turned towards the broken double doors "Thank you for your help Discord. I have to raise the moon now" "Also princess, if you don't mind I'd like to sit this one out. I need some time to be dead" She continued her way out "If you wish. Discord, I'd like to ask a favor from you" "Yes your highness?" "Do not die a second time" "As you wish... What about Pinkie Pie?" "Pinkie Pie must die" "Are you really Pinkie Pie?" [[Sure am!]] The smile on Pinkie's face didn't do much to make her look less otherworldly. The small glowing orbs inside her eye-holes felt like it was boring itself through her soul "But... why do you look like that?" [[I dunno. Why do you think you're secretly a human, Lyra?]] She stepped back and murmured to herself "... Okay... uh... I don't... know..." Deadpool chimed in "She said she likes to move funny or something like that. You wouldn't think just by looking at her now but she's a REAL nutcase when I met her earlier" [[Haha! Still, Wade thinks you're okay so you're okay in my book!]] "Wade? Is that his name?" "Yep. You can call me Deadpool. The Merc with the mouth" he wrapped his arm around her "I'm definitely not the best guy to teach you about being human but I'll teach you alright" The words barely came from her mouth "Thank you" "Aww, don't thank me! After all, you'll have to earn your keep. I may have sent everyone packing intent towards the other side of the planet maybe but I know the one thing that can put me out once and for all..." She waited for him to continue but the look he's giving is that he's waiting for her to figure it out. Then she realized without thinking "The Elements of Harmony" "Ding Ding Ding! And so comes the Million dollar question..." Oh no. What have you gotten yourself into, Lyra "... What do you want me to do?" "Not that question yet - THE million dollar question IS..." "Can you kill Pinkie Pie?"