Chapter 11: Cambiare
Sometimes I like to take long walks. Walks to clear my head about some things. This time I was wandering the city, my eyes not really taking anything in as roiling thoughts swirled in my mind. Despite being family, Celestia and Luna did have duties of their own to attend to, so they couldn’t be with me all that long. They looked deeply apologetic but took their leave, promising they’d be back soon. I briefly wondered what kind of thing would beg their attention so urgently that they needed to head back to the capital.
I suppose ruling had its benefits, but the responsibility was something that called at them, no matter what the heart would speak. I’d sensed an air of turmoil around my siblings. An air of unease, something that begged the question—what had happened?
With me was an uncomfortable lump that sat in the confines of my clothing. The one advantage of being a unique being with a unique culture was that ponies no longer questioned why I wore clothes all the time. I think a fashion caught on that royalty or high status was attached to wearing clothes on a more permanent basis. Opulence versus practicality was the defining feature of fashion.
I digress.
Though there were ponies looking on curiously at the wayward human, I couldn’t help but feel a deep sense of loneliness. It was more than just a pining for home, but just a feeling of disconnection from the slow heartbeat of humanity I had been accustomed to in the very beginning of my life. You couldn’t just up and chuck away years of your life. Ponies were helpful in filling the gap, but…
I caught myself sinking into one of my moods. It was hard to tell, because I was always in my own head and feelings. My Dad was always tapping his head and saying that I seemed to use mine more than he did. Ah well, I guess with all that happened, I should have become used to being in strange new places and weird new times.
I ran my fingers down my clothes. Though they’ve been steadily replaced over time, there were still strands of the original fabric that made up my clothes from Earth. I’ve had to make modifications of course, but there was an appreciable amount of Earth clothing that qualified for an ‘alien’ garment.
I chuckled to myself. There was still a wardrobe full of Earth clothes from home, but coincidentally these were the same t-shirt and jeans I had slept in after trekking it back home and waking up to find that my world had been substituted for another.
Small clinks of the crystals embedded within my clothing reminded me why I had ventured out alone again. I glanced back and realised with a shocked gasp that I had walked quite far from the city centre all on my own. I hadn’t been paying attention and now I was well past the city limits.
This was a good a place as any.
I took a deep breath and drew out what I dreaded to set eyes upon again from the moment I received it.
Chaos Theory.
It was a simple title and apart from the gold lettering, didn’t suggest much from the book. The book was thin but it felt like it was bound by leather. I knew ponies didn’t like the feel of leather, but I doubted Discord actually used real leather. He probably made it this way to deter curious hooves and minds.
With trembling fingers that shook not from the cold, I pried open the cover and read the contents.
Dear Harmony,
If you are reading this, there can only be two possible explanations. The first is that you’re not actually reading this and this book is buried with you with the rest of my sins. The second is… well I don’t know. I think it’s impossible that you will ever read this. I wrote this after you had died.
Harmony, there are things you should know, or maybe I need to talk to you about them, or maybe my thoughts are just crowded in my mind and I just have to let them out, out, out!
The rest of the page had a thick ink line struck across the parchment. I swallowed. This might be the only chance I had to turn back and forget I ever read these words. I blinked away a couple of tears shared from Discord’s pain.
No, I thought angrily. His pain is mine. No truth could ever break my trust.
I carefully turned the page and resumed reading.
Things aren’t… things aren’t going well.
Celestia and Luna are torn up over your loss and their mother. The weight of a nation presses down on them and ancient feuds are springing up. Border nations lick their lips as they realise the inner turmoil of their leaders is a weakness…
Already some nobles are vying for a splitting of factions. Unicorns against pegasi against earth ponies, and a sickening exacerbation of a class division as Celestia tries to pull order together. They too sense that their power is waning and the sharks draw close at the spilled blood.
I must do something. I am doing something. I’m not doing enough!
I’m trying as hard as I can to quell the borders. What you’ve told me worked, Harmony, I wish you were there to see it. The Tree… it’s in my blood, it’s a part of me, and I see dreams of maddening visions.
It’s enough to drive anyone insane.
This time the page seemed intentionally blank, as if Discord had written in it, forgotten about it and then found it again. Several pages were torn out. I flipped through the book quickly to see if they had been recovered but it seemed like they were permanently missing.
You don’t have to see that. I wasn’t proud of what I did. It may have been necessary, but Harmony you should have seen the looks on their faces. I nearly broke there and gave up, but I didn’t. I would do it all again as long as the only family I care about in this world are safe.
I… I need to think.
I need to breathe. All I smell is tasteless greed and naked ambition. It sickens me.
I’m becoming almost as good as they are at playing the game, you know? Does it make me as bad as them, Harmony? Does it make me so horrible that I want to live a happy life with my family?
Am I doomed to bear the burden of the beast?
I can see them judging me as a draconequus. Now that your ‘protection’ has gone, they show their true nature behind the masks they wear. It makes me want to squash their petty, little, faces. I even have the power, I could make it happen!
Writing here reminds me of you, Harmony, and when I write I regret the impulsive thoughts I have. I hate them, but I hate myself for being so weak.
I miss you, I miss you so much.
The entry pauses again and I take a shuddering breath, realising that I had held it in unwittingly. I shook my head and slapped my cheeks. There were complex diagrams and equations scattered on the pages. The next chunk of the book was complex matrices and calculation that went far beyond what I could only dream of understanding. Although I didn’t understand it all, I was starting to get an inkling of what Discord wanted to achieve.
“Oh no,” I murmured to myself as I flipped through page after page. “This is unbelievable.”
The spells were beyond what even Star Swirl could have achieved, or even Clover, or Tempora. The spells seemed to describe a way to bend reality itself. But that was impossible, it would literally make Discord some kind of…
“God…”
The equations ended at the last few pages. Dreading what was written, I forced myself on.
War is tearing Equestria apart. With my efforts the border nations no longer pose a threat, but the greatest enemy comes from ourselves. I don’t know what to do, Celestia and Luna are trying desperately to keep everypony together. All I can do with all this power is wait. They won’t listen to me, they won’t even listen to alicorns anymore.
How do I make them listen, Harmony?
How do I get them to understand what they had was precious?
How do I convince them that harmony is better than chaos?
The last page is smudged and almost illegible. I traced the way the ink ran, seeing the drops where tears had hit the page.
I finally understand now, Harmony. By the Stars, I understand. I guess being a draconequus I was always destined for this. I have to embrace the madness, I have to put on a show, I have to break their hearts for them to put it back together.
I will reign in chaos so that they will seek harmony.
I’m sorry.
That was the last entry. In a numb daze I gently shut the book. I tried to lift my legs up, but found them locked stiff as I had read through the entirety of the book. This was such a small glimpse of his world but the pain shone through all too sharply. I had to get back. With a grunt my legs gave way and I toppled into the snow. Suddenly, I didn’t feel like moving. My mind was a scramble of roiling emotions. The snow felt cool against the burning tears that spilled down my cheeks. Discord, my brother, my friend, my family, what have you done to them? What have you done to yourself?
If I asked him, would I get an answer?
Would I even understand?
A paralysing thought struck me.
Did Celestia and Luna know?