//------------------------------// // We are having a talk // Story: The Twilight Years // by Crimmar //------------------------------//         “Hey, Twily! I’ve missed you!” Shining Armor ran in the room to hug his little, thirteen year old sister. As soon as Twilight heard him, she gave a cute little squeak, and jumped down her bed for a hug.         “Shiny! I can’t believe you are here. You almost never come to visit.” Twilight said after a short nuzzle. Shining Armor gave his sister a thorough up and down examination, the way he always did, and smiled. Twilight was looking great! Smiling, relaxed, and generally happy and content.         “Yeah, I know. Sorry about that. Schoolwork, you know. I wasn’t planning on coming by, but mom and dad wanted me to deliver a letter,” Shining Armor explained.         “Really?” Twilight asked puzzled. “They couldn’t tell me themselves? I was home just yesterday.”         Shining Armor chuckled. “Sorry, Twily. The letter’s not for you.”         “Huh? Who is it for then? Princess Celestia? Did I do something wr- ooh!” Shining Armor turned his head to what his young sister was looking at.         Raegdan had taken a seat on a tall stool in the corner of the room. He held the opened letter and was currently turning it around, scrutinizing it carefully from all sides. Including holding it upside down, or turning it against the light. The spectacle made Shining Armor a little wary about something.         “Uh, Twily?” he whispered at his sister’s ear, “Raegdan knows how to read, right?”         “Huh? Oh, yes, he needs some help with a word or two sometimes but… Raegdan, what are you doing?” Raegdan had opened up the envelope the letter came in and was in the process of carefully ripping it apart so he could spread it open.         “Searching,” he answered absently.         “Searching for what?” Shining Armor made a couple of steps towards him. Raegdan had left the letter open and even though it was pointed the opposite way he might be able to make out a few words. He was infernally curious what his parents wanted to write to Raegdan abo-         Raegdan noticed what Shining Armor was trying to do. He crumpled up the letter and shoved it into one of his trousers’ pockets. Shining Armor was pretty jealous of those sometimes. It would be so nice if he had a way to carry small items without lugging saddlebags or pouches around.         “Your parents must have put a secret message in here. Because if they haven’t they either hate all of us or have the cruelest sense of humor I’ve ever seen.” Raegdan put the envelope paper through the same examination, tossing it with force in the wastebasket when it failed to reveal anything.         “Can you tell us what mom and dad want or is it a secret?” Twilight asked. If she didn’t ask, Shining would have.         Raegdan looked at them, scratching the back of his short mane. Shining didn’t like that look. It was a combination of sourness and embarrassment. What were his parents up to?         “Oh, I am going to tell you, and you will hate me for it. Just give me a second.” He got up and went to the door, removing the key from one of his handy pockets. He locked the door -Shining Armor really did not like this- and went back to his seat.         Raegdan gave a single clap with his hands as a call to order. “Alright! Now,” he said soothingly, “there is no need to panic. Everyone goes through something like this at one point in his life, I guess. Our case is no different.” Raegdan was waving his hands slowly, as if urging them not to worry. It was working pretty effectively on Twilight. Not so much on Shining himself.         “The important thing is that we are all in this together. We can do this. We will do this. And after we are done I am going to visit your parents and string them up by their nostrils. You can both come along, and after I have them up maybe we can make a game out of hitting them with sticks as they hang.” Oh Celestia, what was in that letter?         “What exactly are we doing?” Twilight asked innocently. Raegdan’s cursory threat to their parents didn’t faze her and neither did Shining. Raegdan didn’t follow through on them, at least not in their cases. It was the fact that he felt the need to make it that brought Shining on edge.         “According to the letter your parents sent me? I am giving you the talk.”         Shining Armor rushed for the door. Maybe he could knock it down.         “Don’t you dare, you big sissy. I am not going through this on my own! You will share my pain. Besides, your parents included you in this. I’m giving the talk to both of you.” Raegdan held Shining Armor from one of his hind legs, denying him the sweet freedom the door was… offering… oh, yeah, the crafty biped locked it already.         Horseapples.         “I already know about all of it, you can let me go!” Shining Armor pleaded with the merciless alien as he scratched the floor with his front hooves.         “You are getting the official version this time. Stop crawling on your belly like a worm and stand up!”         The forgotten filly gave pause to them just as Shining Armor had squirmed around and was about to bite Raegdan’s arm. “Excuse me, what is this talk about?”         Raegdan dropped Shining back on the floor, where he flopped for a bit. “Sexual education,” he sighed with a hand covering his eyes in shame.         “Oh. OH!” Twilight blushed as if she was on fire. “Am I not a little too… young for this?”         “According your parents,” Raegdan growled while shaking the crumpled document in his clenched fist, “you are mature enough. Sorry, little one. My hands are tied. It’s part of the deal. I have to follow through on any decision they make about your upbringing, no matter what.”         “Why am I included in this?” Shining whined.         “...Did you do anything that might have pissed either of your parents lately?” Raegdan speculated.         Shining Armor let his face taste the floor as he thought about his attempt to give his parent’s alcohol cabinet a little taste. He just wanted to know what all the fuss was about…         “Do you even know enough about… ponies’ reproduction to lecture us on this?” Twilight asked. Shining Armor felt his heart swell with hope. His sister, his amazing, brilliant sister, was going to get him out of this!         Raegdan shrugged. “The basics are the same. Yeah, I can get you through this with… oh.”         “What?” Shining Armor asked.         Raegdan scratched at his neck as he thought. “I just realized I don’t know a whole lot about the mare’s… what’s the word, I know it, I know I do…” Shining Armor was filled with dread. “Oh yes, the mare’s erogenous zones.” Oh dear Celestia, no, no, no, no, this was worse!         Shining Armor only gave a glance at his sister to confirm that she was still apple red before throwing his face back to the embrace of his loving friend. He never wanted to leave the floor’s cool surface, at least not until this was over.         “I know how to fix this,” Raegdan said. Shining Armor felt his hands go around him and before he knew what was happening, he was draped across Raegdan’s shoulders and behind his neck.         “I can walk, you know,” Shining complained as Raegdan unlocked the door and walked out. Shining noticed Twilight trot behind them obediently.         “I’m not falling for that. You are not running away on my watch.”         Curses!         Raegdan didn’t let go of Shining Armor until they reached their destination. The first time he ever entered Princess Celestia’s private chambers and he did so in the manner of a sack of potatoes. “Yay, for my dignity…” he thought.         “Twilight, Shining Armor, Raegdan, welcome!” Princess Celestia greeted them, resplendent as always, with a genuine smile on her lips. “To what do I owe this late hour pleasure?” Maybe the smile was not as genuine as he thought. It was a bit late in the evening.         Raegdan pulled out the letter and passed it to Princess Celestia. Shining Armor watched as she fussed for a time, trying to straighten the creased paper back into something readable.         When she was done she spared a look of pity for Raegdan and Shining Armor. Then she looked at Twilight, who had taken down one of Celestia’s books and was reading it, with deep concern.         “I am not sure if you are the best person for this…” Princess Celestia said reluctantly.         “That’s why I came here.” Raegdan answered.         Princess Celestia’s eyes widened in alarm. “I- uh, you want me to tell them-”         Raegdan patted Celestia’s cheek. “No, it’s my job. I’m doing it. I just need some help.”         Princess Celestia exhaled in relief. “I’ll be glad to help anyway I can. I suppose you need some books, covering the subject. I’ll have an aide find the-”         Raegdan cut her off. “No, that’s not why we came to you. I just thought that if I am doing this I should do it right. I thought you, as an Alicorn, could help me pinpoint the erogenous areas for all three tribes-”         “-what?-”         “-and if you don’t mind, we could do a little show and tell-”         Princess Celestia blinked out of existence.         Shining Armor wanted that spell, and he wanted it right now. Twilight was pulling his hoof from his side, her coloring the most intense red Shining ever saw on her.         “Shiny?” she whispered at his ear when he bent down, “I don’t want to do this anymore…”         Raegdan had been staring at the empty space left behind by Princess Celestia, but he was still obviously paying enough attention to his surroundings. “Tough luck, little one. This is happening.” He kept his attention on the vacant floor, his expression surly.         After almost a minute passed in silence, Shining Armor felt compelled to ask. “Uh, are we… just gonna stay here?”         “Since the coward is not coming back… You kids wait for me outside. I’ll be with you in a minute. Do not try to run!”         “Uh… why are we waiting outside?” Shining Armor asked.         “I’m going to find Celestia’s bed,” Raegdan explained, “and commit atrocities to it.”         Twilight ran around, trying to stack up the books left behind by Raegdan in a sensible order. It was a hard thing to manage, Shining felt, with her eyes closed. He understood her reasoning well enough however. Some of those titles…         “No.” A book was thrown on the floor. “No!” another book joined it. “I could draw a better di- uh, drawing in my sleep.” He flipped open another book and skimmed through it. “This one will just give you wrong expectations. These sizes don’t exist.”         “Can’t we just pick one of those books and be done with it?” Shining Armor pleaded. Twilight peeked at the title of the last one Raegdan dropped and emphatically shaked her head in denial.         “No! I promised your parents to do as they say and I will. I’m not risking my privileges just because you are chicken.” Raegdan shoved the book he was holding back into place, upside down. “I’ve seen magazines less graphic than this one.”         “The library is useless. Let’s go find something else,” he said in exasperation.         “Cadence!” Twilight cried out cheerfully.         “Hello, Twilight. You are up a little late. Raegdan, why are you two running around at this hour?” Princess Cadence asked.         Shining Armor answered before Raegdan had the chance to tell the whole truth. “We are just… uh… trying to finish up a particular study session that we were tasked with.”         “Oh. Anything I can help with?” she asked brightly.         Shining Armor spent a mere second to ran his gaze over Cadance. Her long legs, her lithe form, her pristine, delicate wings, her fl-                  Raegdan knew how Shining Armor felt about Twilight’s more responsible babysitter and playmate. He wouldn’t… he turned to Raegdan -who was also looking at Shining- and very clearly mouthed “no!” to him.         Raegdan nodded. He bent down to Shining’s ear. “If we tell her what we are doing she might even volunteer. She is too young. Run, Shining, run like the wind!” He quickly grabbed Twilight and sprinted down the hall.         “Thank you, Cadence, but we can dothisonourown! Bye!” Shining Armor cried as he ran right behind Raegdan’s heels.         “You freaking cowards! Guards are supposed to be brave! Come back here and show off your genitals!” Raegdan shouted after the two forms that were vanishing in the distance.         “I’m sorry, mr. Raegdan, but the Princess has not notified me of her destination or her expected time of return. Would you like to leave a message for her with me?” The old majordomo said.         “I’ve told you a thousand times, it’s just Raegdan, Paisley.” Raegdan sighed. “Just let me know if she is back, ok?”         “Certainly. May I ask what you need of our Princess?”         Raegdan narrowed his eyes at the elderly stallion. “I could give you a heart attack with a sentence…” he whispered.         “Pardon? I didn’t quite catch that mr.-”         “Nothing. Let’s go kids.”         “Damn. Those two spread word around.” Raegdan threw the rope he was holding in disgust. “This is not gonna work now. Ok, I’ll figure out something else. The place is full of guards.”         Shining Armor and Twilight watched as Raegdan’s pencil stood still on the paper he was holding. Twilight had almost fallen asleep on her hooves. “Are you going to draw anything?” Shining asked tired.         “I… am reluctant to actually sketch something like this. It’s weird and-”         “You are not sure, are you?” Shining said.         “Nope.” Raegdan got up from the table and headed for the door. “The guards might have relaxed by now. I’m gonna go make another grab for them. Wait here.”         Shining Armor heard a pony yell as Raegdan exited Twilight’s room. “He is on the move again! Everypony hide!” Shining Armor felt something shaking him awake. He opened his eyes to see Raegdan standing over him, hair and clothes slightly singed and smelling of smoke. He shook Twilight awake after Shining was up, much more gently than he did Shining Armor. “What happened to you?” Twilight asked as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. “Celestia came back. She managed to make a run for it again,” he answered as he took a seat on the bed. Shining looked out the window. It was late at night. He should have been home by now. “Are we giving up then? I want to go home.” “Nope. I pulled through, just like I told you both I would.” Raegdan said with fake cheer. Raegdan pulled two magazines from underneath his shirt. Shining sputtered when he saw the titles and the covers. Twilight covered her eyes with a sigh. “Mrs Candy Cane of Playmare and mr. Rampant Stud of Playstallion will be aiding in your education today.” Raegdan laid down the magazines so they could get a good look. “First lesson of life; I stole both of those from the male section of the barracks.” Twilight gave a very quick peek at the Playmare issue in front of her. Shining Armor himself was giving his everything to keep his stare straight ahead. “Raegdan?” Twilight begged his attention. “Yes, little one?” Twilight pointed with one little hoof at the magazine in front of her while keeping both eyes firmly shut. “What does “anal issue” mean?”         It was almost time for dawn when Shining Armor returned to his home. He wondered if Princess Celestia felt it was safe for her to return to her castle yet. His parents were waiting in the living room, snickering as he made his way in.         “How did it go?” his mother asked.         “Was it… informative?” his dad queried.         “I hate you both,” he informed them as he went past them and towards the bedrooms. He left them howling with laughter behind him.         He didn’t go for his room. Raegdan had given him a jar containing horrible colored liquids. He didn’t ask what it was filled with. The fact that Raegdan visited the public restrooms to fill it up was enough. If somepony asked, he was just following orders. He emptied it on their bed, under the covers.         “Raegdan was right,” he thought as he lay in the warmth of his own bed. “Revenge is sweet.” He relished his parents disgusted screams.