//------------------------------//
// Chapter Forty: Parenting with Pinkie Pie  
// Story: A Journey Beyond Sanity 
// by Darkwing Dust 
//------------------------------//

The last time I was in this hospital, it was after that battle with the red dragon that Fluttershy took care of.

Now? Thankfully it wasn't a visit to treat some injuries, but to visit a miracle.

The miracle of life.

Leaning against the corner of the window which revealed the next room, I allowed a small, serene smile to grace my muzzle. We were invited here by Pinkie Pie to see the new babies birthed by Mrs Cupcake. I wasn't even aware the married couple at Sugarcube Corner were expecting children of their own. Twins even; one boy and one girl. There was no evidence of such during my delivery of brownies to the store occasionally, or maybe I was just too polite to have noticed.

Anyway, new life. Isn't that amazing?

The others already had their fun, currently in the hospital cafe. I chose to stay behind, preferring to observe the newborns in peace. Within the next room, rows of newly-born ponies - foals as I believe Twilight called them - were quietly resting, not one making a sound. If I had a greater weakness than children, it was the sight before me. This beautiful peaceful sight of sleeping babies, having recently been introduced to the world.

I refrained myself from getting too emotional, however. Outwardly anyway. I was a little puzzled, however, over how exactly the biology of it works. The parents were Earth Ponies, but the twins were a unicorn and pegasus. The luck couple explained they had some ancestral pegasi and unicorns, so baby ponies weren't born in a form randomly...

"Beautiful little things, aren't they?" I nodded contently, acknowledging Twilight's sudden presence with a glance. The mare was just as focused on the next room through the window as I was, joining me in watching them.

"Yeah." Was my only response, my smile widening as one of the small foals seemed to stretch.

"Forgive me for disturbing you."

I waved dismissively. "Not at all, my dear. Your company is always welcome to me."

"Thank you." Was the sincere reply at that, and I imagined the unicorn was smiling bashfully. "Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake." Twilight said the names of the lovely couple's newborn twins, sounding quite blissful as she said them. "What wonderful parents they have."

"Yeah, so wonderful, Twilight, that they named their own kids after sweets."

From the corner of my large eye, the mare shook her head in amusement. "I think they're adorable names, Jack."

Said the mare whose own brother was named after a fairy tale term, and whose father's name is after an object. But since this was a peaceful serene moment, I'll hold my tongue there. "Well, at least they named the last names of their children after them."

Twilight glanced at me with curiosity. "Is that a good thing for you?"

"On my world, newborn's surnames are the same as the mothers who birthed them." I proceeded to explain, never keeping my eyes off the other room, "For example Twilight, if you were a mother on Earth, your child's last name would be Sparkle. Or if you were married, adopting the surname of your husband's, that newborn's surname would be that instead."

"I see." Twilight processed the information effortlessly, nodding in interest. "And do married couples on your home world usually adopt each other's surnames?"

"It's a legal thing, I believe." I made sure to lower my voice, considering how close we were to the room filled with sleeping baby ponies. "Upon marriage, the wife replaces her surname with her husbands, or sometimes adds the two together."

"Has a husband ever used the last name of his wife instead?"

A curious question. I shrugged after thinking about it for a quick moment. "If they have, I've yet to meet such a couple."

"Hmm..." I smirked as Twilight was now in thoughtful mode again. "So if anyone married you-"

"Never going to happen."

"-And you had children of your own-"

"What a vivid imagination you have."

The unicorn shot me a humoured glance. "Do you always doubt yourself like this?"

I placed a mock-offended hoof on my chest. "My dear Twilight, you've known me for, how long?" We shared a quiet chuckle, resuming our gazes to the resting foals in cots. "And no, I'm not going to explain to you how human pregnancy works, before you ask."

I didn't even need to look to know she was blushing. "I-I wasn't going to ask." A small pitched noise escaped the embarrassed unicorn's muzzle, prompting me to smirk and make a shushing gesture.

"Of course you weren't. Now please be quiet, the babies are sleeping." I feigned ignorance at the irritated expression hurled in my direction.

The fact I was sharing this peaceful moment with the flushing Twilight seemed to made this moment feel... much more better.





"We must thank you again for your offered help, Stardust," Carrot Cake said graciously, setting a few boxes of baked goods down, "And for the congratulatory brownies you generously made and delivered for our family."

I nodded, following his gaze to Pinkie Pie, who was playing with the two newborns. Having been discharged from the hospital a few days ago, the baby ponies were already walking around the place, to my earnest confusion and amusement. Carrot Cake and Cupcake were already working again in Sugarcube Corner, but the store was currently closed at the moment to customers, understandably.

That didn't stop me, however, from baking a whole tray of brownies to bring here as a late congratulations to the happy couple. As Pinkie Pie continued eagerly interacting with the playful newborns, I inwardly hoped the pink Earth Pony knew what she was doing. She means well, but she's... you know, Pinkie Pie.

"Wonderful, aren't they?" The yellow stallion commented upon noticing my still observation of the children. "No greater miracle has ever happened to Cupcake and I since those little foals were born."

"Again, congratulations to both you and Mrs Cupcake." I responded calmly to the blissful Carrot Cake.

"Thank you. If you'll excuse me for a moment." The stallion departed into the kitchen, obviously to assist his wife. It has only been a few days since the children's birth, yet the blue mare was already up and at 'em. Talk about commitment to the job.

"Everything okay in there?" Speaking of, the mother of the newborns popped her head over the double doors into the kitchen. "Who needs their diaper changed?"

"Don't worry, they're fine!" Pinkie Pie responded to Cupcake's sing-song tone... before immediately blanching at the smell upon lifting up Pound Cake - that's right, I remember who's who - to my chuckling.

Though karma was right around the corner.

It was my turn to blanch at how the married couple proceeded to change the foal's diapers. Carrot Cake laid the two down, fresh new diapers on his tail, removed their current ones, tied them and the [BEEP] in together, before picking up the filthy stained diapers by the MOUTH, and throwing them into the nearby bin.

...I'm awfully sure that's a health hazard.

"Oh don't look like that, Stardust! It's natural for foals to do that." Cupcake said, attempting to reassure me.

"That's not what disgusts me..." I muttered. No, what repulses me was Carrot's method of removing the diapers.

"You'll see that for yourself one day when you have children of your own." ...The very image of me picking up filthy diapers by the muzzle warranted vomiting. But for the sake of keeping the atmosphere positive, I refrained from such.

Instead, I quickly shredded the image from my mind.

"Is anypony hungry?" No but I feel sick. And by the way, wash your damn mouth as well Carrot, not just your hooves.

"Uh no thanks, I just had a big breakfast." I don't think it was you they were asking, Pinkie...

"I'm on it!" Cupcake announced, arriving into the room with a tray of two glass bottles of milk. Well, it was pleasant how the couple were working together with their kids. It's evident they've read up a lot on how to be good parents.

...Except for when removing filthy diapers.

"Oh oh! You're making funny faces! I have one!" I restrained the urge to face palm at Pinkie's ignorance. Even I knew why the two newborns were making those expressions.

"No Pinkie, now they need to burp."

"That's right." Carrot concurred, picking up the two foals over his shoulders, patting them gently which resulted in them burping in obligation.

I couldn't resist chuckling then. Ah kids...

"Ah ah! No pounding things." Cupcake informed the baby pegasus, picking him up before he could continue hitting the stack of toy blocks. That caused me to frown curiously, did she know of her children's futures? Was that why she named him Pound Cake, and and the other Pumpkin Pie? Was there a deeper connection between parents and their children in Equestria, far deeper and spiritual than families back home?

Or was I just over-thinking things?

"Ah ah ah ah; we don't chew on things Pumpkin Pie." Hmm, well I don't see what chewing has to do with pumpkins, so maybe I was over-complicating things with these questions.

"Except food." Pinkie Pie pointed out, which prompted the blue mare to gasp.

"Great cinnamon's sticks!" Great what? "I completely forgot!"

"No you just fed them bottles, remember?" Pinkie reminded her.

"Not the baby's food!" Then what?

Followed by Carrot Cake gasping in realization. "The food for the enormously catering order we have to deliver today!" Enormous? Who's the greedy [BEEP] asking for that much food?

"Oh with the new twins, we've been so distracted!"

"Hardly your fault." I interjected, hoping to calm the pair. "Considering their recent arrival to the world, I think you're both obligated to spend as much time with them as you please."

"That's nice of you to say, but there are some things we can't ignore. This is one of them!" Not even for your own kids? Was this a big business opportunity, a way to promote your store? "Now we need to find a foalsitter before we depart and-"

The yellow stallion cut himself off. and both my brows raised to significant degrees as the pair stared in a certain direction. My direction, to be more precise.

...Oh no.

"I can do it!" Pinkie Pie said excitedly, obviously gleeful at the prospect of taking care of two newborns for a while. Over my dead body, Pinkie, I wouldn't trust you to take care of a turtle.

Which was probably why the couple were staring at me hopefully. "Stardust, would you be so kind as to watch over our little ones until we get back?" Carrot Cake inquired, both pleading with smiles.

...Okay. Looking after a child - like Spike and Cerys - is one thing. This was entirely out of my field. "I'm... not sure." Rubbing the back of my head subconsciously, I expressed my hesitation. "I've never babysat anyone before." With good reason as well.

"Oh, it won't be terribly difficult; we'll have a list of what needs to be done for the babies while we're away." Cupcake said reassuringly. Oh good, that makes me much less reluctant. "We know you have no occupation, and you obviously have free time to have visited here. You're not scheduled for anything else, correct?"

"Well you're not wrong, but-"

"And you have some experience with taking care of children?"

"Well my baby sister-"

"And you're clearly fond of our precious little ones, aren't you?"

"All children are precious to me-"

"If you can't, we understand. I'm sure one of your friends will accept to look after these two." The oblivious twins continued playing with themselves, uncomprehending of the situation.

And just looking at those foals... God dammit.

I suppose better me than the others. No offence to them, but I think I've got the bigger picture on taking care of children, experience or not. Twilight would probably rely on books too much to comfort them emotionally. Rarity would whine and complain about the mess and resistance. Applejack would get easily frustrated at them. Rainbow Dash would fly them around the place at a less-than-safe speed. And Fluttershy, well she knew how to take care of animals, but I highly doubted baby ponies were in her area of expertise.

The smiling pink Earth Pony by the side, making gestures to herself towards the hopeful couple still staring at me, was out of the question. I wouldn't trust her to look after a box, never mind twin newborns. And suddenly I was haunted by the image of the energetic pink mare being the only available option to take care of the twins, prompting my final decision.

"...Alright." The married bakers beamed at my sigh and acceptance. "I'll do it."

"Oh thank you, thank you Stardust!" The blue mare said happily, and suddenly I found myself in a tight embrace, stiffening at the outwardly affection for me simply saying yes.

Also I couldn't... breathe...

Thankfully, Cupcake was quick to release me. "I'll go get a list prepared."

Carrot Cake stepped up as his wife headed to the kitchen, smiling just as gratefully. "You won't regret this, my friend. I'm sure those two little angels won't be too much of a hoof-ful."

And as for Pinkie Pie, despite myself accepting the offer, the pink mare seemed pleased regardless, running over and wrapping an unwelcome limb around me. "Isn't this great Stardust?" I flinched at the raised excited tone towards my ear. "We can look after the two together!"

...Dear God.

Carrot Cake sent me a pitying look. "Pinkie, I'm trusting you to follow Stardust's here orders." Not gonna happen. "And follow his lead." Oh boy. Pinkie Pie nodded enthusiastically, beaming at me as though this was some theme park ride we were about to engage in.

Two baby ponies and one mare-child. I certainly hope I won't regret this.



 

"Waaaaah!"

"Uh oh..."

"Well, that didn't take long..."

"The babies are crying!"

"Astute observation, Pinkie. Now then, according to this long excessive written list, it's not feeding time for them just yet, nor are they in need of diaper changing. So that means-"

"They need to laugh!"

"...Not quite what the schedule says but-"

"Not to worry, Stardust, I've got it all under control!"

"That's what worries me..."

"Where's Pinkie Pie? Where's Pinkie Pie?"

"Waaaaaah!"

"Oh no! I'm right here see?"

"Waaaaaah!"

"It's not working!"

"Obviously. They require something to play with; I'll go bring some toys down from their room, you keep an eye on them... please."

"Okey-dokey! You can count on me!"

"I sincerely doubt that..."

"Hm, did you say something?"

"I said don't do anything reckless while I'm gone." 



 

"What... the hell?"

"The other day, I filled 'spot remover' on my dog... and now I can't find him!"

"...Well, now I know never to allow you to take stand-up, Pinkie."

"Waaaaaaah!"

"I don't blame you, kids..."

"Tough crowd."

"Awful comedy."

"Now that's not very nice, Stardust; at least I'm trying to make them laugh. This toys you brought down obviously aren't helping!"

"At least my idea would've been more effective than pathetic one-liners!"

"Waaaaah!"

"They're right, we shouldn't be arguing! We should be finding a way to- Oh, I know!"

"Oh boy... Dear lord... Pinkie, please stop dancing like that, and take that pig nose off. Even the children are pained by watching this... Pinkie. Pinkie."

"Waaaaaaah!"

"Pinkie!"

"What?"

"Waaaaah!"

"Stardust, your shouting made the babies cry."

"Excuse me?! They're crying because of your dreadful-"

"Erm, let's see, let's see... Aha!"

"Pinkie, what are you doing? Why are you getting that bag of flour-?"

"Don't worry my little friends, you won't be upset at Stardust any longer!"

"What are you- Ack!"

"Ta-da! See, Stardust, they're laughing at you. They like you again!"

"*Cough.* *Sputter.* Pinkie, the [BEEP]?!"

"Oh look, now they're laughing even more because of that weird beeping noise you make!"

"Pinkie Pie..."

"Aww, aren't they just so adorable when they're happy?" 



 

"Let's see. Next up on the list is snacks."

"Oh! Oh! I'll go get them!"

"Over my dead body-!"

"Here they are!"

"Ugh..."

"Okey-dokey! Eat up!"

"...They won't eat just like that, Pinkie. They're newborns, remember?"

"Hm?"

"Jesus Christ... Let me show you. Pass me a spoon."

"Okay. Spoon spoon spoon... ah, here you go!"

"Thank you, Pinkie. Actually being useful for a change..."

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Anyway, watch what I'm doing. You pick up a spoonful of the food and gently feed it to their mouths. Don't force the food in, and wait until their mouths open, the food will slowly coerce them. Like this, you see?"

"Ohhh I get it! I wanna try!"

"...You better just let me feed them, Pinkie-"

"Pleeeeeeeeeease?"

"No."

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"

"..."

"..."

"...If you promise never to grin creepily at me like that again, alright."

"Yay!"

"Now, I'll feed Pumpkin Cake here. You can feed Pound Cake."

"Um, Stardust, that's Pumpkin Cake. You're feeding Pound Cake right there."

"...Just go get a spoon."

"Yes sir! ...Found one!"

"Alright. Now then, do exactly as I do, and don't rush it; pick up a spoonful, then gently wave it around her face, like so. Sometimes babies will protest with their mouths shut whenever you feed them, so to avoid that you have to coerce them by waving the food around slowly."

"Like hypnotizing them?"

"Heh... Sort of. Now look, Pumpkin's mouth-"

"Pound Cake."

"Whatever. His mouth is slowly opening. Now, you gently slide the spoonful into his waiting mouth, then after his mouth closes, you carefully slide the spoon out, and voila. Rinse and repeat. You got it?"

"Got it! Take a spoonful, then wave it around her face-"

"Not too fast, Pinkie. You don't wanna make the poor thing dizzy."

"Oh, okey-dokey! But, wouldn't it be a lot more fun to just make them eat their food faster?"

"...There's a vast difference between playing with a child and taking care of one. One of them, right now, is being patient, Remember, they were only just born recently, and cannot yet grasp the world around them. You need to be slow with them."

"Ohhh. So I slowly move it around, gently put the food in, and... slide it out. I did it!"

"That you did. Well done, Pinkie... Oh my God I actually just praised you."

"Uh-huh. Though this is kinda boring, Stardust."

"No one said taking care of a child, much less twins, was going to be a carnival ride, Pinkie..." 



 

"Hm, water feels warm. It should be ready."

"All right little ones! Bath time- Hey, come back here!"

"I wonder if there's enough soap..."

"Stardust, help me out!"

"Hm? Oh no, I'll leave you to catch the two foals running around the bathroom. I'm sure it's good exercise."

"Oh, towels are not food, Pumpkin Cake!"

"What kind of shampoo is this...?"

"Stop it! Stop it! Get in the bath for Pinky-winky and Starry-warry!"

"...Going to ignore that last part. Having fun over there, Pinkie?"

"It's all under control- Get back here! Now where'd they go?"

"...Hm? Oh hello my little friends, hiding from the loud obnoxious Pinkie Pie behind the shower curtains, are we? Come here... There we go."

"Finally, they're in the bath!"

"No thanks to you, my dear. Now then... Where's the soap-?"

"Waaaaaaaaah!"

"Of course..."

"Ooh look guys; bubbles!"

"...That actually worked."

"Of course it did, silly! Here, you wash them while I distract them with bubbles."

"A sound idea coming from you, Pinkie... What has the world come to-?"

"Waaaaaaaaah!"

"...I retract that statement."

"What? It's not my fault that bubble popped from Pumpkin's horn!"

"You sure about that?"

"Don't cry little ones. Oh, I know, here's a ducky!"

"A rubber duck... and it seems to work. Thank God- Pinkie what are you doing? Okay you can stop filling the tub with toys now- Where the [BEEP] did you get a beach boat from?!"

"Waaaaaaah!"

"Oh God dammit- Hold the two still, Pinkie, I'm going to wash them- Blaaaaaaaaaaagh!"

"...Don't make me do this guys; you know what happens when you mix flour and water, don't you?"

"I'm the one soaked in water here, not you- ...Don't you [BEEP] dare, Pinkie."

"Sorry about this, Stardust."

"Pinkie no-!"

"...Well, at least it made them laugh again." 



 

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Oh c'mon Stardust, I said I was sorry!"

"..."

"At least let me help you change their diapers."

"..."

"...Pleeeeeease?"

"...Pin."

"Huh?"

"That pin used for diapers."

"What- Oh okay! Here ya go! So you're not mad at me anymore?"

"..."

"...Guess not. How are you even changing their diapers like that without the smell bothering you?"

"It's not easy, I assure you... Here, throw the used ones away."

"Okey-dokey-!"

"Not with your damn mouth, Pinkie! For [BEEP] sake!"

"What? Carrot Cake did it that way."

"And it's [BEEP] disgusting. Carry them with your hoofs."

"Okay, whatever you say Stardust..."

"...And done. Phew. Not bad if I do say so myself. Isn't that right my little friends?"

"..."

"..."

"Waaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"Oh for the love of..."

"I know how to cheer them up-!"

"Pour a bag of flour on me one more time, Pinkie Pie, and see what happens."

"We need to make them laugh-!"

"I dare you, I [BEEP] dare you, Pinkie."

"Hey, your beeping made them stop laughing! Oh, I have an idea! You can teach me how to make that noise, and I'll never have to use a bag of flour again!"

"...Tempting, but no."

"Oh c'mon-!"

"No." 



 

"Now it's nap time!"

"Correct. Pumpkin's already in the crib. You go get Pound Cake over there-"

"Erm, that's Pound Cake in the crib. She's Pumpkin-"

"Just go get her. I'll tuck them in."

"Ay ay sir!"

"There we go! Now we just tell them to go to sleep, right?"

"Err, no, that's not how it works Pinkie. Clearly they're still energetic, and not the least bit tired. No, what they require is something to help them sleep. Are there any soft cuddly toys around here?"

"Let me check... found some!"

"We only need one or two."

"Here we go, a soft cuddly-wubbly monkey and turtle."

"Very good."

"...Now what? They're not asleep yet."

"Hm, well they're too young to be sent to sleep via a bedtime story. So the only available option to me is..."

"'Is... what?"

"...A lullaby."

"Oh! Oh! I can sing them a lullaby-!"

"I don't think that'll happen, Pinkie. Your voice is very... shall we say... vocally high."

"Oh... I know! You can sing them a lullaby!"

"Tch, that's basically ludicrous-"

"I mean, you like talking alot all the time, I'm sure it'll be no problem singing to them a lullaby."

"...I beg your [BEEP] pardon?"

"Or we can make them laugh so hard they'll grow tired and fall asleep."

"...Bag of flour?"

"Mm-hmm."

"...I hate you."

"No you don't silly. Now go on, sing them a lullaby. Do you know any?"

"Well one springs to mind but-"

"Then let's hear it!"

"..."

"..."

"...You tell a living soul, I will-"

"Pleeease!"

"...Well, what have I got to lose? A-hem..." 



 

"I tell ya, looking after those kids was hard work."

"As I said earlier, Pinkie, there's a vast difference between playing with a child and taking care of one."

"Yep; patience, effort, and most importantly, responsibility."

"...I have to admit, you surprised me back there Pinkie; instead of just being a pain in my arse - most of the times - you managed to behave like a proper caretaker when the situation demanded it. I'm impressed."

"Thanks... I guess. We made a great team back there, didn't we?"

"That we did. I'll be sure to tell Mr and Mrs Cake of your significant assistance when they return."

"So will I! That'll show them that we'll make great parents someday!"

"...!"

"Whoa there! Why'd you spit out your drink?"

"What did you just say?"

"'Whoa there! Why'd you spit out your-?'"

"You know what, forget it. I must've misheard you. Anyway, you did admirably well today, Pinkie Pie, proving once again there's more to you than just some ignorant bubbly mare who can't behave like a grown-up from time to time."

"And you proved once again you're not some grumpy sarcastic being from another world who can't appreciate teamwork!"

"I... What was that last part?"

"'Who can learn teamwork'?"

"Before that."

"'Grumpy sarcastic being'?"

"After that."

"'From another world'?"

"..."

"...What?"

"You know...?"

"Know what? That you're from another world entirely sent here by some unknown entity and the world transformed you into a pony so you can blend and use your weird powers?"

"...How...?"

"Lucky guess."

"...Oh."

"Yep!"

"...So... you won't tell anyone?"

"Of course not silly! That's your secret to tell, not mine! Pinkie Promise!"

"..."

"The code of the Pinkie Promise is, Stardust, to never ever, EVER, break that promise, no matter what!"

"...Huh..."

"So what's it like there? Are there cakes and candy on your world? Oh, do they make all kids of delicious treats there? Maybe we can trade recipes? Does your world have its own Pinkie Pie? Oh, can we meet?! That would be superly-duperly awesome-!"

"Oh what do you know? That sounds like the owners returning! Let's go greet them."

"Oh, okay. You can answer my questions another time. Hey, maybe you can babysit the twins with me next time!"

"...I'll have to take a rain-check there, Pinkie..." 



 

"And speak of the pony, he returns." Twilight commented upon my entrance into the library. I barely glanced at the unicorn as she spoke, "Huh? You look tired, Stardust. Did something happen while you were out all day?"

Managing enough energy to finally look at the curious mare, I lifted an exhausted smile. Not even that soda from earlier helped that much. "Suffice to say, my dear, I've learnt a valuable lesson worthy of being written to Celestia, but that won't probably happen."

"There's a first for everything, Stardust." Twilight nodded to the nearby Spike, who obliged by getting a random paper and quill out of nowhere. As always, that dragon was prepared to write a letter for anyone.

Though thinking about it, I suppose Pinkie Pie learnt a more powerful lesson than me.

Too tired to deal with this nonsense, I cleared my throat, my legs aching for rest. "'Dear Princess Celestia, today I learnt a lesson of great significance upon being tasked by a married couple. And that lesson is...'"

"...Is?" Twilight prodded curiously, evidently happy over the fact I was finally, willingly, addressing a lesson to her beloved mentor.

So what did I learn exactly? That Pinkie Pie wasn't someone to be underestimated? That sometimes in the most dire of situations, the rarely-seen core of one's personality can be revealed? That you should never assume too quickly and never take your friends for granted? That despite the faults of one person - or pony - they can still be useful to you during the time you require assistance?

"...'Raising kids is hard.'" I finally concluded, before promptly collapsing in exhaustion onto the cool welcoming floorboards.