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// Never Say Snuggle Again (Rarity/Princess Twilight-Noncuddling) 
// Story: The Snuggle Conspiracy 
// by CategoricalGrant 
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“THE WENCH SAYETH WHAT?” Luna cried.
“I’m not joking,” you sincerely reply. “Your sister certainly is a little protective of you.”
Luna continues to growl and twitch in anger, and you find it wise to continue before she made a poor decision.
“Although, if her reactions during court today were anything to go off of, I think that she’s not just mad about you being in the spotlight again.”
“What meanest thou!? Our associates are not playthings to be vetted by our older ‘sister’,” Luna barks, the last word being delivered with dripping condescension. 
“Well, Princess,” you continue, “I think she might be somehow personally vested into this whole farmer/baker divide. I don’t think it’s just her poor policy decisions making everything worse.”
Luna softens as she thinks about the situation. “The situation among the commoners has deteriorated… The plebes have rioted in Cloudsdale and our favorite underground café has been closed for weeks now!”
“I know. And it’s getting worse all the time.”
“Then we shall march to her and settle this now!” Luna stomps toward the door and you have to put your entire bodyweight in front of her to slow her down.
“Princess…politics is a game of patience and intrigue! You can’t just launch rebellions whenever you disagree…ergh…with somepony!”
“Clear our path, knave!” Luna demands, continuing her slow but relentless push through you to the door. “Such a strategy worketh perfectly well, as evidenced by….”
Luna cuts out, stops pushing you and sits down on the floor. Her ears flop to the sides of her head and her face takes on the most dejected look you’ve ever seen. “…Last time.”
Your heart is overwhelmed by compassion as you sit down and pull Luna into a big, warm hug. She sniffles a little into your shoulder.
“Princess…It’s alright. Don’t worry, you and I can still fix everything.”
“How?” she asks, her question muffled.
“We just need to fix everything from out there. You know, stop the problem from getting worse. THEN we can figure out what’s up with Celestia.”
Luna stands up, a look of determination in her navy eyes. “We…I, hereby appoint thou our royal inquisitor! Thou hast our full authority behind any action you taketh in combating this crisis!”
Your eyes grow to incredible sizes. “C-Cool!”
“Now, dear friend, we sendest thou to Ponyville, to converse with our acquaintance, Applejack. A strong and able farm pony such as her is an excellent place to begin on your inquisition of justice and sound economic policy! Make sure to write us with regular updates on thine progress, and we shall send thou any supplies thou needest.”
You stand up, preparing to leave.
“But first, snuggle us. We knoweth not when…or if, we shall seest thou again.”

You walk down the streets of Ponyville away from the train station with purpose as the inhabitants cast interested glances your way. You look down at the jewel encrusted, black glass chest piece you were given as part of your new position as “Inquisitor”.
“Oh, man, that’s super dank…” You whisper to yourself.
“Hey!” You look up and see DJ-Pon3 galloping toward you. “I couldn’t find you anywhere this week! Are you alright?”
You stop briefly, take off her sunglasses on put them on yourself. “I’m taking these. Secret government business.”
She blinks. “Yeah right! Give me back my sunglasses, scrublord!” She snatches them back.
You crack a small smile. “But actually, I’m on secret government business. I may have to miss our snuggling appointment Friday, lots to do. I’ll be in touch.” You nuzzle her, but whisper in her ear, “let me know if you notice anything weird going on with the baker strike.”
You then trot down the road, leaving a very confused house DJ in your wake.
“Okay,” you say to yourself, attempting to blot out that unfortunate distraction. “I’ve got to get to Sweet Apple Acres on the other side of town. Got to move fast, can’t let the Crystal Empire’s crystal berry fields burn down like the newspaper on the train said.”
You hear a squee and a mare throws her hooves around your neck from the side, nuzzling into you relentlessly. You hear Cloudchaser call, “Flitter! Get off of him!”
You sigh, turning to face Cloudchaser. “Don’t worry about it Cloudchaser.” You try to extricate yourself with a hoof, but to no avail, as Flitter, always the affectionate and sensitive twin, refuses to budge. “How is the house, do you have everything fixed up now?”
“Yeah!” Cloudchaser happily exclaims. “The last new window was installed yesterday and everything looks normal now. I’m, uh…I’m sorry about Flitter. She thinks that after all you did for us…Thank you by the way, but uh…She thinks that we’re indebted to you for life.”
“Because we are!” Flitter responds, obstinately. “He came and protected us and cleaned up our house!” She turns to you, “I know we hung out like once in a while before, but we need to hang out like, all the time from now on, m’kay? I’ll buy all the food because you rescued us from certain death.”
Cloudchaser sighs and blocks her face with a hoof to avoid being associated with the strange scene; a stallion decked out in super dope glass armor being hugged and talking to a pony that looks just like her hanging off his neck.
“Cloudchaser.” She looks up when you call her name. “Why are you guys out and about this late?”
“We could ask you the same thing! What are you wearing?”
Flitter stops nuzzling you and chimes in, “Yeah, it looks ridiculous! It’s also not as soft as you.”
“It’s…uh…it’s nothing. I’m here on some hush hush government business, capiche?”
“Ohhohoo, I always knew the government would pick up on that smart brain of yours,” Cloudchaser lectured while giving your head a few taps, “what are you, an intelligence analyst? A secret agent? Oh, you can’t tell me, right? Anyway, to answer your question, we’re going out to Golden Harvest’s farm.”
“Who?” you ask. “Oh, you mean Carrot Top?”
“Yeah yeah, whatever. Thirty or forty beavers came out of the Everfree and ate almost half of her crop for the year before she could shoo them away!”
You relax a little bit; it didn’t sound like any sort of foul play. Then again…
You took a moment to access your inner repository of useless knowledge. Beavers should be hibernating at this time, you muse, although it wasn’t so late that it was out of the question that a few would be up.
“That sounds terrible! What bad luck, and right before harvest,” you say. “You guys going over to help clean up or salvage carrots?”
“No,” Cloudchaser replies, “there’s not much else that we can do! We’re headed over to check on our investment.”
Your ears flick up. “What?”
“We invested in a huge, industrial carrot washer and peeler earlier this year for Golden Harvest. She’s promised us 10% of profits in return! I guess we’re lucky if we get anything this year…”
This was big. You make a mental note to go to Golden Harvest’s place later. “Can you tell her to take inventory of everything that’s missing? I think I need to speak with her a little later.”
Cloudchaser shrugs. “Sure thing. Come on, Flitter,” she says, peeling her sister off of you, “we’ve got to go.”
Flitter is removed with an audible pop and flails her forehooves toward you. “Come hang out with us soon! We miss you lots!”
You sigh. “Okay Flitter, I promise!”
You head back down the road the way you were headed. You make it maybe 150 feet before you hear a far off, “Yoohoo!”
You stop and bow your head in exhaustion. When will the madness end?! You have a job to do!
Rarity trots up to you. “Darling, what a lovely set of plate armor you have on there! Is that obsidian?”
“Rarity, I’d love to stay and chat, but I’ve sort of got to be somewhere-“
“Oh, then I’ll be quick darling! I heard from Rainbow Dash…”
Oh no.
“…That you’ve cured her sleeping issues with cuddling. So I thought, that perhaps you’d be willing to cuddle me for a little while? I’ve been so very exhausted with work, and…”
She continues to ramble on as your mind goes into Defcon 1. She was very pretty, fluffy like a marshmallow, and would probably make an excellent cuddle buddy despite her tendency to talk your ear off. It may have even been worth postponing your important mission for an hour…But this was different.
You did not consider yourself to be a particularly wise stallion, but among your many discoveries, you had realized that possibly one of the most important was simply: 
Never. Ever. Interfere with true love.
You weren’t particularly close to Spike the Dragon. He was one of those ponies…or dragons… that you knew tangentially but was always there to support you with a snarky comment. He was a dragon that, had he seen your chest plate, would have said, ‘Dude, dope chest plate’. Perhaps most importantly, however, he was in love with Rarity. And from what you saw, it was true love.
You turned and took off sprinting down a side street.
“Darling, what’s wrong?!” Rarity calls. 
You risk a look behind you, and notice that Rarity is following after you, and fast. Coming to a junction in the road, you dart your head left and right. Noticing Ponyville’s castle and having a moment of clairvoyance, you dart rightward and sprint through the doors.

“I don’t get it, Spike! Bakery sales are the highest they’ve been in years, but profit margins are falling.”
“Oh…how inter…ugh…esting” Spike groans from under a large stack of books he’s ferrying around the castle’s library.
“I’m going to have to work extra hard if I want to solve this friendship problem! And, it involves economics, which, as we all know, is my second favorite social science!”
Spike groaned. “Twilight, your cutie mark isn’t glowing.”
Twilight stopped smiling and clopping her hooves together and looked at her flank, which was indeed not luminescent. “What does that matter?”
“Well, if the map was calling you to solve this friendship problem…if we can call it that…then you’d know! Maybe it’s somepony else’s job?”
Before Twilight could respond, two pairs of galloping hooves resounded through the castle hallway and the doors to the library were flung open.

She was coming, and fast. You needed to find…OH! THERE HE WAS!
Twilight Sparkle looks at you in shock and annoyance. “Can I help you or-“
You sprint past her and up a small spiral staircase at the edge of the room. Spike is perched on the top landing and eyes you curiously. 
“I’m sorry buddy, but you’ll thank me later.” You say, wincing.
“Wha- AHHHHH!” Spike cries as he is unceremoniously bucked off the landing and back down to the floor. 
Rarity rounds the corner at that moment and makes eye contact with you, before being torn away by the pain-filled groans of Spike. “Spikey-Wikey!” She cries, watery eyes filled with concern.
You take this opportunity to run to the next landing, which happens to be situated in the next room. From there, you can hear Rarity fussing over Spike.
“Oh, what did that terrible stallion do to you? Don’t worry Spikey, I’ll fix you right up, and maybe even make you some tea! Perhaps a quick trip to the spa too, when you’re feeling better…”
You hear a quartet of hooves leave the library, presumably with spike in tow, and the door shut. You manage a quick smile, knowing that today, you advanced the cause of true love. 
You calmly walk back into the library, where Twilight Sparkle is standing with her mouth agape and eyes staring into the distance.
You clear your throat. “Sorry about that, Princess Twilight.” You even relent and give a quick head dip that could possibly pass for a bow.
She turns toward you and immediately anger takes over her features. “What was that about!? You run into my library and kick poor Spike, and-“
“Official Royal Business, Princess. I’m Princess Luna’s new inquisitor.”
Princess Twilight displays a look somewhere in the middle between surprise and disgust. “…Really? You?”
“Yes ma’am. Now, you wouldn’t happen to…I don’t know… have some sort of emotional need that I can fulfill by hugging or cuddling you?”
“…Wait, what?”
You stand there with stone cold, serious features.
She finally answers. “No. Get out of my castle.”
Your ears droop. “…Okay.”