“Now stand back, girls! I’m about to give this toppy-nosed Pegasus a taste of friendship!” Twilight Sparkle knew corruption like the back of her flank and this twisted incarnation of Ditzy was no exception. She knew she had to act quickly however, for whatever games Discord had planned for them was sure to lead to something catastrophic.
She focused her latent energies into a white pulse at the tip of her horn and pulled the trigger. A glittering shot of plasma fired out and nearly shaved a lock off of Ditzy’s now equally gray mane, followed by a second shot and even a third, but apparently chaos actually counted for something as far as aptitude and agility went.
The pretentious pony laughed, “Is this all you’re going to do? Chuck rocks at me from all the way down there? You plebeians can’t be serious.”
“Ooh! I’m going to give you one heck of a spanking!” Blame it on the ponies’ diminutive stature if you will, but subconsciously they may as well have been kindergarteners in Twyla's horrid first year of teaching, though that didn’t mean the mood hadn’t been completely thrown off. She didn’t actually mean anything suggestive of course but that didn’t stop Ditzy from teasing a wink and laughing hysterically.
“You know, you’re just kind of weird sometimes.” Twilight remarked, embarrassed for the girl.
“I-I didn’t mean it that way!!”
Twilight turned her attention to the yellow Pegasus hiding fearfully behind her, “Will you please get up there and do something, Fluttershy?”
“Yeah, why don’t you come up here and get ‘taun-ted but yat ‘agayn’! You sniveling ka-nigget’!” Ditzy blew her nose in their general direction with the greatest impression of the French language anyone had ever heard.
“Oh, well, okay then.” Fluttershy timidly fluttered above the tree line to meet the source of the French mockery, “E-Excuse me, but if you would be so kind as to, uhm-”
“Why don’t you go ant’ boil yu’ur bott’am! Yu’ur mother was a smelly rabbit! And yu’ur father smelt of… of… What do you feed your animal hoarding addiction again?”
“Oh! Mostly greens, but I do try to keep their diets mixed. It’s very important for animals and everypony alike to eat healthy and-”
“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!” No one was going to tell Ditzy what and what not to eat and so she bonked the shy Pegasus over the head with a hoof before flying off, “Sayonara suckers!”
Fluttershy squeaked and tumbled down into the brush just in time for Fiona to catch her, “Oh gosh, are you alright…?” she said with a suspicious grin.
“I’m not a stuffed toy!” Fluttershy cried, kicking loose of the plushophile.
Twilight rolled her eyes took off after the possessed pegasus, “Come on! After her!”
“You guys should catch up with us. I have a feeling we’re going to get to the bottom of all this!” Twyla remarked to the two environmentalists before taking off after the unicorn.
Fluttershy wasn’t exactly sure what was going on, but had a feeling the two of them were going to be involved whether they liked it or not. She turned back to her human counterpart for some advice, but all she found was a quivering frown. The Pegasus sighed, “Alright… fine. Go ahead.”
Fiona squealed and glomped the reluctant pony and nuzzled her soft mane. Clearly, Fluttershy had the patience of ten saints, however as it stood she was on the verge of dumping her animal hoarding days all together. No animal should be forced to endure such an adorable assault.
The flying hipster effortlessly glided through the sky desperately in search of other targets and their pointless routines to snobbishly evaluate, or she at least would’ve gone on to degrade the ‘common’ folk had her flight path not collided with a dashing rainbow.
Ditzy caught herself on the branch of a considerate tree while Rainbow Dash plummeted into a stream.
Dash splashed out of the water and Ditzy took the words right out of her mouth, “Hey! Watch where you’re going!” they said in unison.
“Oh Dash, you’re so ‘banal’.” Ditzy scowled adjusting her thick-rimmed glasses.
Rainbow wasn’t even sure what she was just insulted with, “You got a problem with me, sister?!”
Ditzy waved a lock of grayest blonde out of her eye, “Ugh, so mainstream, so typical, just so ‘below’ me.”
After chasing what was essentially a fighter jet for so long, Twyla had to stop to catch some air.
Twilight stomped her hoof , “She isn’t herself! After her Rainbow Dash!”
Ditzy laughed, “Yeah, careful not to run into anything, what was it now? Rainbow Crash?” she fluttered over and bopped the blue Pegasus right on the nose before flying off again.
Dash shook her head and growled, “You don’t need to tell me twice, Twilight! I’m gonna’ knock the dumb back into that skull of hers.” Dash shook her coat dry and rocketed after the scoffing Pegasus.
“Come on, Twyla!” shouted Twilight before galloping off again.
The teacher wasn’t sure she had any calories left to burn, utterly too dehydrated to properly reply but somehow she managed to start sprinting again. Luckily for her, these were only ponies and not fully grown mustangs.
The infamous ‘Cutie Mark Crusaders’ as they proudly called themselves idly sat by the river’s edge with a trio of Fischer-Price grade fishing poles at their hooves. How any of them managed to properly hold the rods let alone wheel their reels was completely beyond this author’s understanding, let alone why a bloody horse would be eating a fish in the first place, but we’ll go with it anyway.
The fishing lines were just as bored as they were and yet again, not a single one of their talents had emerged.
“Whose bright idea was this again?” Sweetie Belle whined.
Scootaloo salvaged her crisscrossed list of the day’s attempts, “Well, we’ve already tried haberdashery, carpentry, flower arranging, leather tanning, potato peeling, basket weaving, welding, interpretive dance, Olympic curling, stand-up comedy, computer repair, tire rotation, insurance claims agent, veterinary assistant, business consultant, X-ray technician, criminal and legal justice, pharmacy technician, star-mapping-”
“Which doesn’t make any sense ‘cause it’s the middle of the day!” Applebloom sulked, “I should’ve just stayed and helped out on the farm. Stupid Big Mac! Telling me that I’m just gettin’ in the way. Hmpf!”
“It’d make more sense.” Remarked Sweetie Belle, “Your name is ‘Applebloom’ after all, why would you want your cutie mark not to have anything to do with apples?”
Scootaloo chuckled, “Yeah! You work on an apple farm! Why would you want something like an ironing board or an ant farm on your flank?”
“Don’t even start with that again!”
The unicorn and the Pegasus laughed, and then a large splash of water drowned out the trio’s hilarity deeper than that one time everyone in Ponyville died horribly.
“Tried unemployment yet?” Ditzy snarked, “I don’t mean being the talentless hacks that you already are, but I meant, you know, being a clerk in an unemployment office. You three seem like the type of rejects that’d get a government job like-Uh oh!” she floated out of the way just in time for Dash’s attack to fly past and land herself face first into a tree, “Just like that one! Completely useless in every way possible!” Ditzy’s laugh was becoming infectious. It was about on par with that of the absolutely mad Amadeus Motzart, though of course she was doing it ironically, “Toodles~!” and with that she was off again to troll the world.
“Get back here you!!” Dash followed suit.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders sat for a moment, completely soaked and defeated once again.
Twilight Sparkled trotted by, “Did you three see-?”
Irritated, they pointed, and Twilight scampered off with a laugh hidden under her breath. Maybe a minute later Twyla followed with an expression that suggested she had suffered through a mild stroke.
Scootaloo took another glance at her now saturated list, “So, uhm, Archery next?”
“Why are you being so… mean today?!” Rainbow Dash cried out in hot pursuit.
“It’s because you have the worst most atrocious taste of any pony I know, and also you’re the worst character on the entire show.” Ditzy’s view of the Pegasus hadn’t always been that bad, but her opinion had become tainted by all the reviews she had read.
“What?!” the loyal Pegasus scrambled through the clouds, but was perplexed with how agile and quick her target was. Ditzy had never been able to fly with such grace and speed, at least not without completely destroying half of the town.
They had finally entered Ponyville, and here we had Ditzy zipping from street corner to cottage and yet an entire ten seconds had gone by without a cart of fruit being knocked over. Granny Smith Apple was quite pleased to see that her apple stand had been spared.
Meanwhile, Rarity and Regina enjoyed a humble conversation over a pair of guilty pleasures at an umbrella table. The weather was still pleasant and with Rarity’s earlier calamity, her overindulgent taste buds still had room for satisfaction.
“It must be so amazing! The glamor, the glitz, and the spotlights and cameras on you at every moment! The entire world begging for your every word, your every whisper. Servants at your beck and call!” Rarity swooned, “It’s all the attention I’ve ever dreamed of…!” she could hardly control her jealousy. Having royalty and the common folk alike all clamoring for her approval, it was all the little egomaniac could’ve asked for.
It wasn’t as if she hadn’t taken a sip of the spotlight before, but such a taste was far too much of a tease. She simply couldn’t help herself and she wanted more. She took a sip of her glass of pineapple and mint frappe before her as if the delight itself were enough to humor her fantasies.
Regina hung her head against a tabled elbow as her eyes narrowed, “To be honest, it really isn’t all that remarkable.”
“What do you mean? How could it not be? How could I not be envious of such fame?”
The celebrity took another light sip of her banana smoothie and sighed, “If there’s anyone here that should be jealous, darling, it’s me. You have no idea how good you have it here in Ponyville.”
The response just barely registered in Rarity’s mind.
“My passion has always been to design beautiful dresses and ensembles for people. I’ve been doing it ever since I was a little girl, and I thought my career would take me all over the world giving me all sorts of inspiration to create. Maybe even get myself recognized for my talents! It all went according to plan at first, I became a star and soon enough my opinion was considered gospel… but what good is being famous for making dresses if I have no time to make them?” Regina moped, “I barely have enough time to see my friends anymore. Before the other day, I hadn’t seen any of them in almost two months! All I ever do anymore is run errands for the corporate heads and this silly magazine. Go sign some autographs here! Or go host some fashion show there! It’s all insubstantial rubbish that barely has anything to do with the fabric! My butt’s just so tired of being driven around in limos and liners, you have no idea, Rarity. At least here in Equestria, you’re both recognized for your talents ‘and’ you get to spend your quality time fashioning. Not to mention that you can see your friends whenever you want!”
The white little unicorn touched a hoof to her lip, batting her lashes as her eyes dashed back and forth. What an awful nightmare she thought. As stressful as her work could be at times and as much as she craved the sophisticate life of Canterlot, she could never give up the humble Carousel Boutique nor could she imagine being away from her dear friends for so long, “But… don’t you at least get vacations? Time off? I-I’m sure all the money is worth it, isn’t it?”
Regina shook her head, “Every once in a blue moon, maybe… Though I’m quite surprised to hear that from you of all ponies, Rarity.” Her lip sunk for a moment, “Don’t you know that money can’t buy things like friends or happiness…?”
Rarity cringed, how downright naïve and stupid she had been. It was enough to throw her off of her frappe completely, well, maybe not entirely.
Before she could take one last sip in an attempt to calm her shame, Ditzy beat her to it.
Rarity was rather surprised, if not secretly outraged, “Oh, uh, hello there Ditzy.”
The Pegasus took a rich swig of the frappe, then stole away Regina’s smoothie and gave it a taste as well.
“Hey!” whined Regina.
“Cheers!” Ditzy greeted with a smile just before drenching the two with their own shakes, topped with a couple of shrieks. With a snarky laugh, she leapt into the air and left them with an irate Rainbow Dash who all but splattered into the umbrella table, sending Rarity and Regina for a spin.
The café had become a soggy mess of toppled plastic, milky fruits, and infuriated women.
Ditzy checked in one last time as Dash climbed out from under a chair to mourn the bump on her head, “I’m going to have to give that performance a four out of ten, and I’m going to have to take away five stars from your overall rating.”
“W-What are you even talking about? What’s gotten into you, Ditzy?!” Dash kicked away a table in outrage.
“Indeed! That was quite rude, Ditzy! How could you treat your friends this way? ” added Rarity.
Ditzy busted out laughing, “Friends? Since when have any of you been my ‘friends’? Up until recently, none of you even knew I existed! I was just some spot filler in the background.” The Pegasus adjusted her glasses, “Well no more! I won’t be anyone’s punch line. From now on, I’m going to be… Hmmm, what was that next line? Gosh, I had rehearsed this bit from my story at least twice now. It was going to be the big dramatic moment when I stop being a pushover. Oh it was so perfect!”
She had completely lost the girls. Thankfully for the sake of Equestria’s many civilizations, no one knew what a fanfiction was.
Rainbow Dash flew off to meet the gray Pegasus face to face, “You know, I’ll admit I haven’t invited you to many of our parties, Der-uhm, Ditzy… But that’s no reason to act like such a-!”
Ditzy stuffed the Rainbow’s yap full of hoof, “Sorry! Can’t hear you over how mad I’m making you!” she turned about and bucked the blue Pegasus into another umbrella table with a loud clatter of silver wear and cracking plastic. “Karma Police! Arrest this pony! Her hairdo is making me feel ill!”
Exploding out a sea of chairs, “What did you just say about my mane?!” but before Dash could clobber the snob, Ditzy had already taken off. She growled, “Oh, just wait until I get my hooves on her!”
Regina attempted to dry herself off with a handy handkerchief, “Just what is going on around here? Were you two having an argument?”
“Where did she run off to?!” scrambled Twilight Sparkle.
“Twilight! When did you get back?” Rarity galloped over to meet her unicorn friend, “It feels like it’s been forever! How was Canterlot?”
“There’s no time to explain girls! We have a big problem on our hooves, and we need to catch Ditzy!”
“Oh, I’m going to do more than catch her alright!” Dash stormed off lifting a salvo of white plastic in her wake before a rainbow shot off across Ponyville.
“If you’re here. Then where’s Twyla?” Regina wondered.
“I-I’m… here…!” You could tell that Twyla had never really taught Personal Fitness before, “Just… Just give me a second.” Her lungs begged for oxygen as she leaned over a nearby wall for a time-out.
“Twyla! How was everything? I’ve had such a wonderful time here in Ponyville that I nearly forgot about going back home!” giggled Regina, “Were you able to discover anything?”
Twyla waved a finger as if she was about to explain everything, but she hadn’t quite caught her breath yet. Being an egghead and an internet lurker in her spare time hadn’t exactly done her any favors.
“We don’t have time for this! Some pony could really get hurt if we don’t hurry! Come on, girls!” Twilight ran off as Twyla nearly cried.
“Rarity, go on ahead, we’ll catch up with you.” Regina nodded as Rarity threw herself into the chase, “You really need to stay on top of your diet, Twyla. You look a bit pale.” She lifted the poor girl off of her stupor and did her best to scruff the past week off of her lavender blouse.
Twyla finally came around, “For once I wish I had a terrible excuse, but you wouldn’t believe what’s been happening lately. Come on, we should follow them. I’ll explain everything later.”
The sprays of ocean salt batted against Rear Admiral Piper’s cheeks as she stood at the helm of the pride of the American Naval fleet, the S.S. Creampuff. She adjusted her ridiculously enormous hat as her vessel swung to starboard, pivoting what were probably far too many destroyer cannons at a helpless boat, “How do you like me now?! America’s number one, damn it!”
“What the hay is an ‘America’?” asked Pinkie Pie.
“Only a dirty Socialist would be so ignorant of America’s might!” Piper slammed a justice filled peg into her side of the board, “G-3!”
“You sunk my supply vessel! It was going to deliver a shipment of cupcakes to a desperate third world country!”
“You can’t hide your tyranny from the great United States of America! No matter how many sprinkles you use!”
It was Pinkie’s last boat, all of which had been crammed into one tiny corner of the board and all of which had sank with honor, probably, “This is a stupid game anyway!” she tossed the board game with its dozens of tiny pegs and battleships off of the table with a smirk.
“Yeah, it gets kind of boring after a while.” Piper agreed, retiring her naval cap, “We should play some ‘Rock’em Sock’em Robots’ instead! At least that game had some depth!”
“Great idea!”
The window suddenly smashed open and Ditzy flew into the room.
“Hi Ditzy!” Pinkie greeted, hardly noticing the shards of glass covering her floor let alone the broken window.
“Are you two actually playing Battleship? Gosh, you guys are ‘C’ tier at best.” The pegasus cackled before flying out of the room and down the hall.
“Bye Ditzy!” waved Piper.
Rainbow dashed in through the busted window, “Where’d she go? I know I saw her come in here!”
“Oh, hi Rainbow Dash! You mean Ditzy? You just missed her. I bet she had a craving for muffins and just forgot to use the front door!” Pinkie snorted.
“You look pretty upset, Dash. Is something wrong?” Piper wondered.
The blue Pegasus zipped off without another word, dashing through the hallway and down the stairwell, “There you are!”
Ditzy had helped herself to Sugar Cube Corner’s assortment of muffins on display at the front counter, “You know, these aren’t too bad considering the pea-brained idiots that baked them.”
“You’d better not be talking about my friends like that!” snarled Dash, who flew in for another tackle only to be handed a bite of muffin instead before smashing into the cash register. The impact nearly split the machine in two, tossing a splash of bits into the air.
Ditzy was just too swift for the blue Pegasus to handle today, “Well, if it makes you feel better, at least they aren’t as dumb as you. I mean, exactly how many times have you tried to catch me today, missed, and crashed into something? And here I thought ‘I’ was supposed to have terrible coordination.”
Rainbow Dash gritted her teeth. She could hardly remember the last time she’d been so angry.
A series of clops clattered down the staircase, “If you two wanted something sweet to eat, all you had to do was ask!” Pinkie smiled cheerfully.
“I don’t need the permission of some pony that’s clearly below me. To even be seen associating with such ‘boobs’ is an insult to my intellect!” Ditzy grabbed a hoof’s full of muffins which she had never intended to pay for, “I’ll be taking these as reparations for forcing me to have spoken with you in the first place. Good day!”
She began to make her way out the door until someone far larger than a pony had something to say about it, “I hope you’re not planning on leaving without paying for those!” Piper crossed her arms with a glare, blocking the doorway.
“Did I not just say ‘reparations’?”
“I heard what you said!” Piper shouted, “You’re going to repair the broken cash register right? You can have your payment of muffins after you’re finished!”
Words had failed the entire room, and Pinkie, Dash, and Ditzy collectively placed a hoof over their faces.
The front door to Sugar Cube Corner swung up, practically sending Piper back up the stairs, “Did Ditzy fly in here? I could’ve sworn I saw her come in through the window.” Twilight barged in just in time to take a muffin to the face, “Gah-!!”
Rarity was the next batter up, “Stop that this instant, Ditzy! There’s no reason to act like such a bully!”
With a smirk, Ditzy adjusted her accessorized glasses and began pitching muffins at the would-be guests stuck in the doorway.
Rarity took a batch of cinnamon delight right to the face, and with a shriek she dramatically tumbled to the floor.
Not even Regina could manage to get past the blueberry assault, “How dare you!”
“Cut it out!” Twilight cried. She began to charge a spell but her mystical horn’s magic had been capped with a muffin top.
Twyla thought she was clever by having caught a muffin aimed for her head, and she took a bite out of it with a lazy grin, and then she got to taste test a second one which was apparently so good that it knocked her off of her feet.
Pinkie Pie trotted over to the pitcher with a glare, “You’re out of here, Ditzy!”
“What!? I’m out?” complained Ditzy, adjusting her glasses.
“Yeah, you’re out! You were aiming right for her!”
“Come on! It was an accident!”
“You’re gone!”
“You’re full of straw, Pink!”
“Get out of here!!”
“Oh, why don’t you go buck yourself, Pink!” Ditzy began to fly towards the homeplate with a bite of muffin in her mouth before Rainbow Dash finally picked off her mark, spearing the conceited pony through the front entrance and onto the street.
“Gotcha’ you little punk!” Dash grinded the pony’s head with a hard noogie as Ditzy scrambled to escape.
“Hold her down Dash! This’ll only take a second!” Twilight ran over and attempted to use her ‘friendship’ spell to cure the Pegasus’ plight.
“Uh, I think you have something stuck on your horn there.” Twyla pointed out.
“Gee… thanks.”
With an awkward smile and half a giggle, Twyla removed the muffin from the unicorn’s horn and helped herself to a mouthful, “Mmm~! Raspberry.”
Twilight’s day had already been rather exasperating, and her friend certainly wasn’t helping, “Does that taste good? You mind if I get back to work here?”
Twyla’s cheeks swelled with a laugh, and she innocently nodded.
“Alright, Ditzy, just hold-” Her spell had just begun to flicker when she took a hard head-butt from Rainbow Dash that sent them both for a somersault.
“Hah! Thought you could hold me down could you? Well I-!”
“Oh no you don’t!” Twyla grabbed the Pegasus before she could complete her quip.
“L-Let go of me!” Ditzy did all she could to pry the human off of her, but Twyla had dealt with far too many rowdy middle-schoolers to give up so easily. “Fine then! I hope you have your seat in the upright position!” With almost unbelievable strength, Ditzy took off into the sky somehow managing to drag the human along for the ride.
“Twyla!!” Regina cried, “After her girls! She could get herself hurt!”
“Bah!” Twilight managed to crawl out from underneath the unconscious blue Pegasus, “Wake up Dash!!” she knocked the pony over the head, which may not have normally helped very much in a more realistic setting but managed to stir Dash from her slumber anyway, “We’re running out of time!”
“Get a move on you two!” Rarity called out, and eventually the chase got under way once again.
Not even a few seconds had gone by when Fiona and Fluttershy stumbled upon a bewildered Piper attaching a ‘closed for the day’ sign to Sugar Cube Corner’s now squeaky front door.
“Did you two see Ditzy fly past here?” pardoned Fluttershy.
“We sure did! And that little runt owes me thirty bits for all the muffins she ruined!” Pinkie shouted in an outrage, “I’m going to bake her into a muffin myself if I don’t get an apology!!”
“I-It’s okay, Pinkie, I’m sure she just wasn’t being herself is all.” Piper’s attempts at reassurance all but fell on deaf ears.
“Are you kidding me?! Did you not see what she did to the shop?”
“She did throw a bee hive at us…” Fiona added, still willing to believe that there was still some good left in the pony’s heart, “B-But maybe she was just trying to… uhm… Maybe relocate the bees to a better tree?”
Not even Fluttershy would’ve fallen for that, and she certainly wasn’t going to bother replying to such an absurd rationalization.
“Come on! They took off down the street!” Pinkie had a sudden urge for cupcakes.
Twyla kicked her legs in some vain attempt to reach the ground which was blurring more and more with every fearful glance, “W-Where are you taking me?! P-Put me down!”
“Not exactly the smartest request, lady.” Ditzy chuckled, “You can let go whenever you want. It won’t bother me though I might get a good laugh out of it.”
“W-Why are you acting like this, Ditzy? I thought you were a sweet nice little pony!” Twyla struggled to maintain her grip around the waist of the Pegasus. It felt as if she was hanging onto a flying plushie though she had learned to accept such impossible physics.
“Oh yeah, I’m just so nice and stupid, the village idiot! I’m that moronic pony who everyone treats ‘extra-special’ because she has a mental problem apparently! Well I don’t have a mental problem! I have an eye condition!”
Twyla did her best to recite a life lesson while hanging on for dear life, “I-I know that Ditzy! And I’m very sorry if anyone’s ever treated you so poorly, no one deserves to be laughed at and treated like a joke! B-But you should be above all of that! You shouldn’t let your frustrations get the better of you! Anyone who treats you that way clearly isn’t worth associating with!”
The Pegasus bit her lip as she soared through the sky. Although Discord’s magic was strong, the truth was too much of a conflict and somehow was able to chip away at her cold tainted heart, “Sh-Shut up! You’re not gonna’ ruin my fun!” She began to descend in altitude to the point where the human could nearly tip toe across the oncoming tree tops surrounding Ponyville.
Twyla was doing her best to keep the skirt of her dress from flying about too wildly without the use of her hands, though she had to remind herself yet again just how harmless Equestria was, at least in that context anyway.
Soon enough, the little green pine trees below began to turn into brightly decorated apple trees, and that’s when it hit Twyla, “Gee, I hope we don’t bother Applejack too much on her farm!”
Normally the princess of sarcasm for a day would’ve known better, but one might’ve ventured that Ditzy’s tangled emotions and perhaps even her desperate flight plan may have been too distracting to discern the human’s context. She giggled with a crazed look in her eyes and dove right for the apple orchard.
Aprile’s shins were covered in bruises and scrapes, but at least they were intact. She was proud of how well she had fared, however much it hurt to actually walk.
“Heck of a work out, ain’t it?” Applejack chuckled, “Don’t worry, sugar cube, your legs’ll get used to it in no time flat.”
It hadn’t been the first time the thought of remaining in Ponyville for the rest of her life had crossed Aprile’s mind. It wasn’t exactly a terrible idea, but she couldn’t very well leave her family’s farm forever. She shook away the notion, not wanting to be a drag, “Yeah, you’re right. I may not have my good ol’ tractor but that ain’t gonna’ stop me.” And the heavy barrel filled with apples certainly hadn’t slowed her down either. That entire day she had been determined to keep up with the other farm ponies, and as much as every step had pained her, she was going to keep walking until her legs plum fell off.
“Ya’ sure ya’ don’t need any help with them apples? I could carry a few if ya’ wanted.” Applejack’s saddle barrels had plenty of room to spare.
With a dogged brow, Aprile ferreted through the area until she finally found a discarded apple by her feet. She snatched it up and tossed it into the drum strapped to her back.
The little farm pony sighed, wondering if she herself had ever been so stubborn. Obviously Applejack was as pigheaded as they came but she preferred to call it ‘pride’.
Aprile’s obstinate march towards the barn for the thirty fifth time that day was suddenly halted by the strangest sight, “Huh…? Is that Twyla?”
Hang gliding under a stuffed animal dangled a familiar face in one of the most bizarre acrobatic feats Aprile had ever seen.
Twyla had been doing all she could to swing her legs and disrupt Ditzy’s flight pattern, which by normal standards would’ve taken as much effort as pulling down a kite, but this was a Saturday morning cartoon show after all. As they made their approach however, the inkling of actually breaking a bone or even worse suddenly hit her, “Incoming…!!”
The two apple aficionados barely had enough time to escape the line of fire, especially Aprile whose purple legs simply wouldn’t budge.
Far too many apples were sent flying without a care as Ditzy plowed head first into an apple tree’s trunk beside a few tumbling barrels.
“Gah! Darn it!” It would’ve been a cold night in hell If the day hadn’t broken Aprile’s legs by now, “Heck of a way to say howdy, Twyla. Sheesh!”
Twyla helped her friend out of the pile of apple sauce, “Had to stick the landing somehow. Quick, before she gets away again!”
“Before what now?”
Applejack was too busy attempting to yank the bubbly flank out of a hole in the tree, “How ya’ get yer’self into these kinda’ situations I’ll never know, Ditzy.”
“No, wait!” Twyla nearly threw herself at Applejack, but before she could explain a word Ditzy corked out of the tree like a bottle cap, “Not this time!” Twyla was quick to react, and caught the gray little Pegasus as she came to first base slide in a rear naked choke hold, though it was more to restraint the pony than to actually tap her out.
“G-Get off of me you crazy broad!” Ditzy just couldn’t catch a break with this chick. Her glasses, which had all but snapped over the impact, crumpled to the ground.
Aprile raised a brow and picked them up, “Just what in the blue hell is going on ‘round here? Let go of her, Twyla!”
“No! You don’t understand!” Twyla cried, doing her best to hang onto the struggling bird.
There was a reason Applejack was such a successful apple farmer, and that keen eye of hers had been at its sharpest all day to have not noticed the canard, “What’s wrong with Ditzy? Her eyes and her mane! What’s up with all the… gray?”
Twyla really didn’t have a proper explanation for Ditzy’s unusual appearance or mannerisms of ‘hipster scum’ other than Twilight’s implications that being extra ‘gray’ was ‘bad’, but luckily enough the cavalry had arrived just in time.
Rarity used her unicorn magic to levitate Ditzy out of Twyla’s clutches, “She’s ready when you are, Twilight.”
The little Pegasus did all she could to fly off but simply couldn’t get through the enchanted turbulence, “You guys are gonna’ be sorry!”
The group of disgruntled humans and ponies alike surrounded the nonconformist.
“Twilight! When did you get back in town?” greeted Applejack, “And just what’s going on?”
“Ditzy’s been corrupted… by Discord!”
“Discord?!” the pony collective gasped.
“That can’t be right! That’s plum impossible!” shouted Applejack.
“B-But I thought we defeated him!” questioned Rarity, doing her best to restrain Ditzy with her magic.
“Does this mean we’ll get more chocolate rain?” Pinkie wondered, to which they all replied with a glare, “What? That was amazing!”
“So then it was true! The flood and everything!” Rainbow Dash added, “But wait a second, Discord might be twisted, but he isn’t that evil!”
None of the others really had any idea what ‘flood’ Dash was talking about thankfully enough.
“I’m sorry, but I’m a little confused.” Fluttershy had no idea where to begin, “There was a flood? When? Was anyone hurt?”
“Listen! I’ll explain everything in a moment!” Twilight cried, “But first thing’s first!” the purple unicorn fingered the trigger of her ‘friendship’ spell for what felt like the fifth time that day and cautiously connected her horn to the pretentiously possessed Pegasus. A brilliant light blanketed the apple farm and soon enough Ditzy plopped onto the dirt, her golden eyes spinning in their typical awkward orbits as if she had just gotten off a carousel.
She hoofed a lock of her golden mane out of her eye and shook her head before staring up at all the restless eyes watching her, “W-What’s happening? Where am I?” she gasped, “Where’s my yummy muffin?! Oh no! Did I eat it again without noticing?” to which the group sighed in relief.
Fiona threw her arms around the confused Pegasus, “I’m so glad you’re feeling like yourself again!”
Ditzy giggled and returned the hug, “Why wouldn’t I be acting like myself? You guys sure are acting strange today.”
The group had retired to the Sweet Apple Acres barn. As much as it should have been a welcoming party for the two eggheads, there was far more troubling news to discuss. There was a hard tension in the air as well as a lingering hint of Déjà vu. No one could quite put their finger or even their hoof on it, but it felt as if everyone there had been through some sort of cataclysm that none of them could recall.
The humans parked themselves over a heap of hay, playfully scuffing up Twyla’s hair. The week had been full of vexing surprises and it was definitely nice to have their little bookworm back again. Whatever bad news she had brought back with her was the very last thing they wanted to think about.
Ditzy sat high in the barn’s scaffolding between Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash as if she hadn’t just spent the day driving all of her friends absolutely mad.
“You’re such a little scamp, Ditz.” Dash gave the gray Pegasus another noogie, though this time it was a lot less harsh.
The wobble eyed Pegasus giggled and struggled to escape as Fluttershy chuckled.
“Okay, so is everyone here? Are we missing anyone?” Twilight called out to her classroom.
Pinkie pondered for a moment, “I think we’re missing someone. But who?” she didn’t exactly have fingers to count by on her hooves.
“We’re missing Raine.” Twyla plainly remarked, “Where is she anyway? You were with it last, right Dash?”
The blue Pegasus cringed a bit as if she was being called out for note-passing in the middle of a lecture, “Well, uh, yeah.”
Twyla stood up, “Well? Where is she?”
“Well, uh, you see.” Dash couldn’t help feeling anxious over being put on the spot like that, but she knew she was right to put that idiot in the first place. After all, it was Raine’s actions that destroyed the entire town to begin with, “I-It was her fault! It was all because of that arrogant pride and that stupid air-machine of hers that broke the dam and flooded Ponyville!”
“That wasn’t her fault and you know it!” Twyla shouted.
“Of course it was! I had to set that punk straight. If it wasn’t for Twilight, we’d all be dead right now!”
A gasp bellowed through the barn.
Twilight growled, “Rainbow! How could you pin such a thing on her? You should know better!”
Dash zipped down from the scaffolding to face her accusers, “How could I not? I-It was her stubborn fault-!”
“It was not! It was Discord, you featherbrain!” Twilight shouted, “He’s been yanking our chains back and forth, messing with us at every turn ever since he escaped!” She turned to the others who were on the edge of their seats for some answers, “It’s just like I mentioned before. He’s back, and because of his tricks everyone in Ponyville suffered. I had to sit there and watch all of you drown and die before my very eyes. There was hardly a thing I could do…!”
“What’re you talking about sugar cube? We ain’t dead, we’re right here!”
A tear jerked from the temple of the unicorn’s eye, “I had to use an extremely powerful spell to reverse time. A spell that can only be used by a single unicorn once every century. It was all I could do to save all of you. Even Princess Celestia couldn’t escape Discord’s wrath. He got every single one of you…” She stomped a hoof, “I know this may be a lot to take in, but I’m only telling you all this because it isn’t over yet! He’s still around, lurking in the shadows probably as we speak! He’s hit us all pretty hard already, but I know he isn’t done yet.”
The eulogy was indeed a lot to swallow. Everyone in the room examined themselves, counting every finger and hoof as if they were still ghosts. No one doubted the unicorn's words yet at least in this slice of time space, such an event had never occurred. It was the oddest sensation flavored over with goosebumps, and they also knew they had that same unicorn to be grateful for.
“...B-But how could he have escaped?” Rarity begged, still reeling over her own demise, “We sealed him away with the Elements of Harmony!”
“Besides! We both saw with our own eyes that the statue had been destroyed, clearly by some other pony.” Twyla interjected.
“It’s bigger than that, Twyla.” Twilight turned to the humans, “I saw him before I used my spell. He’s… changed, and it’s entirely his fault that you six have been brought here.”
Regina couldn’t help but get out of her seat, “Wait a minute! We don’t even know who this dreaded Discord character is! Why would he want anything to do with us?”
“I’m not exactly sure how, Regina. He mentioned how he used his power of chaos to somehow… separate himself from his physical body and crawl into another world. He said that his ‘hatred’ of us was what got him there, but in exchange for his escape, that same hatred became traded into our world, which I’d imagine represented you six.”
“But that doesn’t answer the question!” Aprile argued, “This fella’ doesn’t even know us! Why would he hate some folks he ain’t ever even met before?”
“It’s not you he hates, it’s us, because we imprisoned him in stone for his crimes against Equestria.” Twilight sighed.
“I still don’t get it! So instead of taking his revenge out on you guys, he switched places with us? That doesn’t make any sense!” Quantum time wasn’t one of Piper’s subjects, nor was it really the talent of any other soul there.
“Perhaps it was just a matter of the law of Equivalent Exchange?” Twyla had seen far too many Japanese cartoons to not know a thing or two about Quantum physics, “You know, to gain something you must first provide something. Considering Discord’s desire to leave his incarceration, and using whatever power he had, he bounced through space time with his hatred of you ponies which reflected upon us, your dimensional counterparts, and transferred us here.”
She could tell that no one really knew what she was going on about, barely even Twilight Sparkle.
“Okay so, let’s think about it considering Horava’s upcoming equation of gravity and quantum physics where space and time aren’t actually exclusive to one another, but behave differently just like how Newton originally predicted.”
“You mean that guy with the apples?” Piper asked blankly.
“Y-Yes, Piper. The guy with the apples.” Twyla died a bit as she struggled to continue.
“What’s she going on about? What do apples have to do with any of this?” wondered Applejack.
Twyla cleared her throat, “As I was saying, universes used to work in bangs, but it’s now being more defined along the lines of bounces instead.”
“Oh! Oh! Like a bouncing ball? Or a balloon?!” Pinkie was eager to jump into warp speed until Twilight covered her yap with a hoof, “Shh~!”
“Sort of. Let me explain what I think happened with a simple demonstration.” Twyla picked an apple out of nearby barrel and walked over to a bucket of water. She held out her arm out and dropped the apple into the bucket with a small splash, “Now what did you all notice there?”
“Just how pointless that was?” Dash chuckled.
“No! The water droplets! Picture Discord being the apple, the bucket being time, and the water being space while the surface of the water divides two parallel universes. The apple falls in and goes in one direction, to the bottom of the bucket, while droplets of water fly into the opposite direction. Its simple cause and effect, like a bounce!”
The Star Trek explanation was simple enough for the class to gather, somewhat anyway.
“That makes sense then, given all of the strange occurrences across Ponyville lately.” Rarity remarked.
“What do you mean?” Twilight poked.
“Well, there was that big… what was it, an oil tanker truck? That appeared earlier today. As well as the disappearance of that old Karaoke bar.”
“Yeah, that was quite odd, though I guess that proves Twyla’s theory then.” Regina agreed, “Though I suppose it raises more questions than it really answers…”
“What?!” Twilight shouted, “Why didn’t you mention this sooner?”
“I-It had only been a couple of hours ago, darling!” Rarity cowered.
The statement had completely caught Twyla off guard, “Wait a second! Did you two just mention a tanker truck appearing and that Karaoke bar disappearing?”
Rarity nodded, “I’d say that’s exactly what we just said.”
Twyla searched for an answer, palming the side of her forehead, “So then, either time space is simply falling apart because of Discord… or Discord’s just screwing around with us using time space…?”
“Or perhaps both considering who’s at play here?” ventured Twilight, “Not to mention, well… Discord being in your world and all.”
“But he was here as well wasn’t he? How can he be in two dimensions at once?” Twyla couldn’t wrap her head around the concept. She assumed she had seen and read enough science fiction to know better, but apparently she hadn’t.
Twilight gulped, “I don’t think you heard me properly.” She turned to Twyla and the other humans, “H-He mentioned something about his time on Earth…” she recalled the mocking taunts the chaotic spirit used, and they certainly implied something horrible. Twilight wasn’t exactly sure how to break it softly.
“What do you mean? What did he say?” Fiona meekly asked.
“Spit it out already, woulda ya’?” Aprile shouted.
Twyla really didn’t want to know the consequences of having been away from home for so long. She gazed down at the little unicorn as if starring at a single point down an endless hallway.
Before the words could escape her, a crack echoed throughout the barn. It shot out again, and again and soon began to speed up in rhythm.
An ominous applause rang out from the beams and scaffolding holding up the darkest corners of the barn, “Bravo, my children. Bravo.”
It was a voice not a single pony there could have ever forgotten. From the shadows descended the lankiest of silhouettes until finally reaching the ground with a pair of classy Mexican pointy boots.
The distraction was convenient at the very least for the unicorn, “Discord! So you’ve finally decided to-!”
“Yes, yes, please save your dull protagonist dialogue, I’ve been bored enough today without your miserable twanging.” The spirit raised his effeminate crab claw and scratched his gullet with a yawn, “Oh, and I’d like to of course take the time to give you my thanks, Derpy Hooves. You did an excellent job today. For your efforts you receive two golden stars!”
“Unless you’re here to apologize to all of my friends, I don’t have anything to say to you, you big dumb meanie pants!” Ditzy raised her chin in condemnation to which he couldn’t help but laugh over.
“You look kind of… different, Discord.” Pinkie prodded, “What’s up with the new look?”
“Oh! My favorite little pony of them all. Hello, Pinkie Pie! And yes, don’t I look simply ravishing as a human?” he threw up his doctor’s scarf in a flare, “The humans really are a bit of a drag I suppose, but the human world truly is an experience one has to taste for themselves. Ah! And yes, what was that you were going on about now, Twilight Sparkle?”
The unicorn obviously knew what a bomb was, but wasn’t familiar with the concept of a nuclear holocaust. Regardless, she trembled in her hooves over the mention of something so frightening.
Discord pretended to frown as if above breaking the bad news, but secretly it had almost become a fetish by this point, “Let’s just say that your human comrades on your world were all too eager to put a stop to my fun, to the point where they had even thrown the kitchen sink at me! But in the end, they eventually ran out of those kitchen sinks and were forced to abandon their precious little city. I think you know what humans typically do after they abandon a city, don’t you Twyla my dear?”
The humans gasped as a shower of bone-white flushed under Twyla’s watering eyes, “N-No…!”
“Although I can’t give them all the credit.” Discord brushed his leathery green knuckles over his deco striped tux, “They aimed all of their little nuclear bombs at the center of Manhattan, but I thought they used far too many. So I spread them out a bit, just in time for Independence Day! Or wait, isn’t that in July? Hmm. Oh well, the fireworks certainly came early this year!” He let out another crazed laugh.
“That’s enough, Discord!” Twilight roared, “Exactly what do you want with us? Why can’t you leave us alone?”
“What exactly do you think I want, Twilight? Have I not made it clear enough to you all by now?” he raised a brow, “Every one of you is but a punch-line in my hilarious joke! To think you could have possibly attempted to explain it all with that silly girl’s amateurish grasp of Quantum physics is almost laughable!”
“I’ll show you something to laugh about you dumb scarecrow!” Dash swept up to meet the chaos god eye to eye with a fist full of hoof, only to have him flick her away into a pile of straw.
“Imbeciles such as yourselves wouldn’t know real comedy if you slipped on a banana peel! My brand of ‘funny’ may be too deep for any of you to grasp but it doesn’t mean I’m going to let you pull me off stage!”
Twilight stomped her hoof, “Fine then! How about you say something worth laughing over for once?!” It was just the right button to push.
“Oh! You want a laugh do you, dear? I’ll give you something to laugh about! Come one, come all! Witness Ponyville’s hilarious demise!” Discord blew a gaping hole through the barn and finally vanished in a plume of smoke that glided across Sweet Apple Acres.
“Was that actually a good idea, Twilight?” Dash glared.
“Don’t worry, I have a plan.” Twilight huffed, “Princess Celestia needs a new statue for her sculpture garden and she’s going to get it one way or another. You girls go on ahead of me. I’ll meet up with you in a bit. I need to swing by the library first.”
The mane six minus Twilight herself anxiously galloped off to take care of business in Ponyville. They didn’t want to leave their friends behind, but they knew just what the stakes were.
The purple unicorn turned to her human guests who were more than just overcome with grief.
“This can’t be happenin’! Big ol’ Max and my little sis… they could all be…!” Aprile couldn’t even bring herself to finish the sentence.
Regina did all she could to console the frantic Fiona, bawling her eyes out as she went through each and every single name of her precious pets. It was all the fashionista could do to keep herself distracted from her own fears.
Ditzy had no idea what to say, so she simply sat holding onto her as Fiona drenched her gray coat in tears.
Twyla had fallen to her knees and had bloodied her fist with repeated punches into the cold unforgiving ground. Every curious little student filled with wonder and potential that she had ever cultured over the years may as well have been reduced to ash. The very idea dug its nails into Twyla’s drowning heart as she covered the floor in her tears.
As optimistic as Piper had always been, not even she could handle such despair. She wrapped her arms around the quivering teacher, doing her best not to ruin Twyla’s hair with her blubbering.
Words failed Twilight completely. She couldn’t possibly understand the devastation their home had just faced, but she couldn’t just leave them there, “I-I’m so sorry, girls. I know there’s probably nothing I can say to ease your heartache, but I promise you that I’ll do everything in my power to stop Discord and-”
“No…” Twyla cleared her eyes, “Don’t you even think about doing this without us. Right girls?”
Teary eyed, the others nodded in agreement. They imagined they might not be of much use against such a formidable ruler of the dark arts, but they’d be damned if they weren’t going to at least try and put that fiend in his place.
An optimistic smile crept across Twilight’s face, “Come on, I should be expecting a guest at my library any moment now.”
As if a flood hadn’t been enough, total chaos railed through the cobblestoned streets of Ponyville. Although at least this time, Discord’s antics had been somewhat more tame.
If there had been a single morsel of cupcake or muffin available anywhere in town, it had literally jumped off of its plate, grown to about twenty feet tall, sprouted spider legs, grown a chilling mouth filled with anything from candy corn teeth, to liquorish tentacle tongues all topped with insidious spiraled lollipop eyes, and had begun terrorizing the residents of Ponyville.
The confectous creatures didn’t exactly devour every pony in sight, which would have been a fitting irony given the many pastries purged on a daily basis, as much as they simply attempted to suffocate them with cake mix which in of itself was almost as terrifying as it was tasty, in some morbid fashion anyway.
There were even a few larger than life éclairs that slinked and snaked their way down the streets of Ponyville, occasionally stopping to spew a froth of vanilla cream all over some poor unsuspecting citizen.
Elsewhere, enormous donuts simply wheeled about chasing after frightened townsfolk as if they were trapped in an Indiana Jones movie set. Fortunately, the fluffy donuts didn’t precisely crush their victims as much as sinking the ponies into their dough and bringing them along for a very horrifying and headache inducing ride.
For some reason, Disord had felt it necessary to not only fill the town’s irrigation system and water supply with hard liquor, which no pony had been given any time to enjoy, but even went as far as to stuff every single cottage in Ponyville with thousands of balloons. They literally just sprang out of nowhere. Entire homes had been filled to the brim, nearly drowning its occupants in a screeching mass of helium and static electricity. It was the most awful party any pony had ever been to. There wasn’t even any god damned cake, because all of the cakes were too busy attempting to eat anyone and anything just outside.
Seriously, try to picture what it would be like if a vat of ghastly frosting and cake icing were actually trying to devour you. That’s basically how the day was going, utterly disturbing, awkward, delicious, and covered in stains that would never wash out!
To top it all off, Discord had gone a bit nutty with his cosmological inconsistencies. Ponyville had witnessed the spirit’s indecisiveness between day and night firsthand, but the sky was literally flickering at this point to a seizure inducing state of black and white. It was as if Discord took the entire planet, and spun it as fast as he could. It was a wonder that your typical pony resident hadn’t the slightest concept of gravity, or else they probably would’ve begun killing themselves one by one out of fear of being thrown out into space.
Our heroines had long since made it onto the scene minus their Element of Magic. They were doing all they could to rescue the town’s citizens and battle off overly indulgent birthday cakes but they were a bit overwhelmed. It was the hairiest party they had ever been to.
Applejack was doing all she could to lasso any poor unfortunate souls out of ‘harm’s’ way to a mild sanctuary over a rooftop, “Stay down, ya’ll!” It was advice that she probably should’ve taken herself as an absurd machine gunner bellow created out of a rum cake, a deranged mutant candy cane and a Gatling gun made of cinnamon sticks fired a salvo of sprinkles at the farm girl, nearly taking her hat clean off.
She quickly joined the trembling group of ponies by her side, unsure of how much longer she could hold her position, “This is ridiculous! This would never have happened with apples!”
Elsewhere, Fluttershy and Rarity teamed up to evacuate ponies out of their swollen homes. It was a nightmare trying to get into each cottage, but one could assume that a unicorn’s horn was good for something besides shooting sparks.
Fluttershy used her friend like a spear. Pop by pop, the balloons disappeared into a snapping burst of rubber while ponies desperate for air scurried out of their flattened living rooms just in time for Fluttershy’s saving grace. She did the best she could to lift two and even three ponies at a time onto their rooftops. It may not have been the safest place at the moment, but there were still plenty of marauding cupcakes roaming the streets and they weren’t about to let their comrades be overrun with diabetes.
The duo had lost count of the buildings they had gone through. Rarity had just left a tattered home with an ‘All-clear’. Fluttershy nodded from up above, when she noticed a terrifying tidal wave of terrantulous liquorish snakes that swamped through the road at an amazing speed.
“Rarity! Look out!” Fluttershy dove in to rescue the unicorn, but she was nearly overtaken by the red tsunami herself, “Oh gosh!” she repeated about a dozen times desperately searching for a plan as an exaggerated scream was carried off down the block.
“No need to panic folks! The exterminators are on the scene!” Flying in from a violently illuminated sky was Rainbow Dash who dared to stand up to the delicious dictatorship. She even brought along her trusty vacuum cleaner, which was in fact actually a giddy Pinkie Pie.
In some of the most impossible feats ever illustrated, Pinkie literally devoured hoards of the delectable deviants, even if they were five times her size. As if her jaws could unhinge like a constrictor’s hunger, she easily woofed down corrupted cupcake after mutant marshmallow after evil éclair, begging for more after every bite like a mad woman. Though at least she did pause every moment or two to spit out the seeds of her indulgence, and by seeds we of course mean liberated ponies.
Rainbow Dash preferred not to think about the endless black hole that was Pinkie’s stomach and its bizarre mechanisms. She did her best to hang onto her crinkled smile, beginning to feel as if she had just met Pinkie, or at least a far darker side of her dear friend.
It was for the best though, wasn’t it? Yeah, let’s go ahead and finish saving Ponyville. There’s no way this could possibly get out of hand.
The blue Pegasus flicked on an imaginary switch behind Pinkie’s head and continued her gardening, mowing, or rather gutting through a roaming tide of walking pretzels.
Through her periphery, Dash could see an anxious Fluttershy begging for help in the distance and she zipped over right away before Pinkie could finish gobbling up a cinnamon roll that might’ve fed the entire town.
Fluttershy was nearly hysterical, “It’s Rarity!! She’s caught in the liquorish ropes!”
Although fully aware of crisis at hand, Pinkie and Dash couldn’t help but giggle.
“This is serious!!”
“Alright! Alright, we’re on it! Come on Pinkie!” Dash flew after the damsel in distress below.
Rarity gave her typical blood curdling scream as the liquorish snakes carried her through Ponyville. She waved her arms frantically and nearly split a blood vessel through her eye over her shrieks. She was a very talented actress and she knew it.
“Hang on Rarity! I’m coming in for seconds!” Pinkie grinned. Like a bucket wheel excavator, she carved an entire mass out of the red river and gulped it down with a crazed look in her eyes.
Dash swooped in for another run to feed her pet mongrel, and Pinkie definitely got another helping though at least this time she managed to grab hold of Rarity’s hoof and yank her out of the floodwaters.
“Had your fill yet?” Rarity giggled with a grateful smile.
“Of course not! I still have room for fifths!”
“Look! I’m sorry for hitting you over the head, Spike. But you really shouldn’t have spoken to Twyla that way. That was rude!”
“Well you know what Twilight? If it was me that had gone with you, you would never have gotten hurt in the first place!” it wasn’t the first time Spike had been jealous of Twilight’s supposed replacements of him, and he really wasn’t the best at expressing his emotions, “You have no idea how I get sometimes when you’re gone for so long… I missed you, darn it.”
Twilight knew the little guy hadn’t the slightest of ideas of what had actually happened earlier that week, and as frustrated as she was, she really couldn’t blame him for being upset. She walked up to the baby dragon and wrapped a hoof around him, “I know you would never have let me get hurt, you’re my number one assistant after all. I’m so sorry for throwing you out of the room like that, I shouldn’t have overreacted. I bet you were so worried about me…”
Spike grabbed the unicorn and held her tight, drenching her coat in his emotions, “Don’t you ever worry me like that again, Twilight…!”
Twilight smiled and held her best friend close, “Don’t worry, Spike, next time I’ll let you fight off all the bad guys for me, okay?”
Spike couldn’t help but chuckle under his sniveling.
“Aww…!” a collective coo swayed Twyla, Piper, Regina, Fiona, and Aprile.
“Now listen, I don’t mean to cut this short, but we’re in a bit of a pickle here. Were you able to send that letter to the Princess for me, Spike?”
“He sure did.” The flickering light bulbs outside of Twilight’s window surrendered to a basking solar ray, “The weather’s simply dreadful. It’s raining cats and dogs outside!” The funny part was that it actually was. Although such a thing might not be allowed on a little girl’s cartoon, the nearby streets were littered with corpses of unlucky cats and dogs.
“Princess! You received my letter!” a ray of hope beamed across Twilight’s face.
“That I did my faithful student.”
“I-Is that the…?”
“Yes it is, Piper. That’s a real life Princess!” Twyla explained, “Her name is Princess Celestia, the ruler of all of Equestria.”
Aprile gawked at her highness, “Heh, never been around no royalty before.”
“Well at least she has elegance. She looks absolutely gorgeous, I mean, take a look at that beautiful mane of hers!” Regina never thought she’d actually be complimenting a horse of all creatures.
“Ah! These must be your friends, Twyla.” greeted Celestia, “It’s a pleasure to meet you all, though I wish it were under better circumstances.” The Princess almost towered over the humans in all her majesty.
“L-Likewise…” Fiona meekly agreed.
“Princess! I’m sorry if I’m being pushy, but we don’t have a lot of time on our hooves!” Twilight interjected, “The others are out there doing their best to weather the storm!”
“Of course, my dear. Here you are…” Out of a ray of thin light appeared an enchanted case. Celestia unlocked it with her magic to reveal the six legendary adornments.
Twyla’s eyes glowed, “A-Are those the-?”
“Correct my dear. These are the Elements of Harmony.” The Princess mystically floated the Element of Magic, a studded crown, and placed it over Twilight’s head, “These are the only weapons that can defeat Discord and return Equestria to its proper balance. Now go my children! It’s up to you to stop this evil once again! The fate of all of Equestria depends on you and your friends, Twilight Sparkle!”
“We won’t let you down, Princess!” Twilight took the chest from her mentor with her horn’s magic and placed it into the arms of her good friend.
Twyla wasn’t sure what to do with it, “Y-You want me to hold onto this?!”
“We’re going to need all the help we can get this time, Twyla. Each of you has suffered far too much this week to be left out of this. Now come on, girls! There’s no time to waste!”
Discord stood atop the Ponyville town hall, spinning about and leaning off of a flag spire without a care in the world, “Ah! Now this is more my slice of taboo, delicious, but innocent. The dominos are all neatly stacked up in a beautiful arrangement and every fool around me can’t help but trip over the pieces! Oh, what fun!” He cackled maniacally at his work, somehow maintaining his equilibrium as the sky flashed like a dying light bulb.
By some sort of comedic miracle, most of the taint had been purged around Ponyville though it certainly wasn’t doing Pinkie Pie any favors. She groaned, “I can’t eat another bite…!” yet she still managed to sneak a crumb of donut when no one else was looking.
“I still can’t believe that appetite of yours, Pink.” Dash yanked open the baker’s mouth and peeked inside, but all she could see was endless black, “Hello…?” There wasn’t even an echo, perhaps because sound just didn’t travel very well in places like the body or the cold endless vacuum of space.
“Could you at least turn off the disco ball? I’m starting to get a migraine!” Rarity whined, which was more than she could say about poor Fluttershy who had long been convulsing from an earlier seizure.
“Oh, alright. I suppose it’s a bit much, isn’t it?” Discord snapped his fingers and the sun finally returned to its normal orbit of around ten minutes per day, “So what now my little ponies? You’ve managed to stop most of my chaos, yet here I stand.” The chaotic spirit tip toed down an imaginary starlit stairway to meet what was left of the mane six. “I really expected more organization from you vermin. Where’s your little manager, Twilight? Did that little geek chicken out at the last moment?” he raised his enormous crab claw with a sick look in his eyes, but a lasso captured a swing aimed for Rarity’s head that nearly took the demon off of his fancy feet.
Applejack spit out a lock of rope, “I don’t think so, bub!”
Discord quickly stuffed the spaghetti back into his pockets, “W-Well, if it isn’t the apple expert herself. Is there actually something you’d like to add to this conversation, or are you really just here to save your friends a few seconds?”
The farm girl tweaked her hat with a grin, “Nope, I’m just waiting for my laugh is all.”
Discord growled and clenched the teeth within his pincer as if they were wrapped around the little pony’s throat.
“Show’s over, Discord!” Twilight scraped her hoof against the ground as a twinkle of sunshine glimmered off of her golden crown, “We’re yanking you off stage!” she had arrived just in time with her human friends by her side.
Aprile cracked her knuckles while Piper shot a raspberry at the demon.
Fiona hid behind the fashionista as Regina spit on the road beside her. It wasn’t a very lady-like thing to do, but she was pretending it was the spirit’s face.
Discord stared them down, “And exactly what do you hope to accomplish? What? You’re going to try your luck with those dinky ‘Elements’? Don’t make me laugh!”
“I would’ve picked better words than that, Discord.” Twyla opened the lavender case to reveal the remainder of the Elements.
Twilight didn’t waste any time and guided each of them to their respective wielders, “You ready, girls?”
Rarity awoke her yellow Pegasus friend from her coma just in time to receive her amulet, “And not a moment too soon!”
“Yup! The Princess is gonna’ love her new statue!” chuckled Applejack.
The six of them gathered in front of the chaotic spirit and as their hearts combined the power of their friendship revealed itself. Like light exiting a prism, a brilliant shine of unstoppable hope shimmered as the glowing ponies began to levitate into the air.
Twyla and the others watched on in wonder as their little friends prepared to put down their final boss.
Discord fumbled a step and gritted his teeth against his fate.
With a proud smirk, their eyes beamed with a shining light and without another word, a vibrant rainbow shot off into the sky before arching back down again for the final blow.
There it was. The others may not have noticed it, but Twyla certainly recognized it without question. It was one of the last things she could remember from that most mundane of Mondays. It was a bow of hope that had kept her heart strong. A radiating beam that cleared the sky of an uncertain thoughts. No matter how horrible things looked for her home, she had to keep her chin up.
Like a hammer smashing the last nail into a coffin, a rainbow of vengeance claimed the god of chaos in a frightful scream for agony. The Technicolor crescent split and surrounded all of Ponyville in a miraculous sphere that would heal every last wound until the brilliance finally subsided.
The smoke cleared as Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Pinkie Pie gently landed onto the tattered road. Each one of them, including the humans themselves, held their breaths as the fog cleared to reveal the pale face of a terrified Discord, forever petrified for what they had hoped would be the last time.
Twilight gave a sigh of relief, “Finally! It’s over…!”
The girls cheered and Twilight was soon covered in hugs from her fellow pony friends.
“You guys sure are something else!” Twyla bent down to a knee to congratulate them, “I’ve never seen anything so amazing in all my life! Thank you, girls.”
“Aw, it was nuthin’!” bragged Dash. She flew over to the frozen Discord who looked as if a shot of hot coffee was about to splatter all over his face, “Yup. Just another day in the life of Equestria.” She bucked the statue and sent it tumbling onto the ground with a rigid clang.
“It was nothing we couldn’t take care of!” Pinkie skipped in place with a smile.
“Yeah, now all that’s left to do is figure out how to send ya’ll folks back home!” added Applejack.
“Exactly! Now if we can just get back to the library I’m sure we’ll be able to figure this all out.” Twilight suddenly noticed the strange look in their human eyes, “What’s the matter you guys…?”
“Oh, it’s probably just me. You know how am I, always prepared for things.” Standing in the exact post exactly next to where his statue had just fallen stood Discord, as healthy and as extravagant as always. He corpsed through his act with a chuckle, “Did you really think it was going to be that easy, my pets?”
The girls skipped a heartbeat, unable to comprehend what still remained and just how useless their Ace had suddenly become.
“B-But how? The statue…?!” Twilight stammered.
“Funny, I thought you ladies figured it out already. Did Twyla not explain it well enough for you?” Discord chuckled under his breath as he erected the amusing sculpture of himself, “Oh dear, does it ever feel odd to look at myself from the outside like that. You girls have no idea the joy I’m bursting with at the moment! You should really see the look on your faces though, absolutely priceless!”
“But that’s impossible! Y-You took a direct hit from the Elements!” Dash struggled with the paradox, “How are you still-? A-And your statue!”
“Oh quiet you.” He shoved away the annoying Pegasus, “Didn’t any of you listen to Twyla’s lecture? I no longer physically exist here. What you’ve been dealing with this entire time has been but my influence back across this universe.”
“Your influence? So then you’re only partially here?” Twyla speculated.
“And we have a winner folks!” Discord applauded, “Bravo! Yes, I’m only allowing forty percent of my physical body to manifest in this world. It’s a very simple application of Metaphysics, you know, passing to and fro between dimensions, that sort of thing, but I wouldn’t expect such infantile minds to grasp such a concept!”
Twyla just happened to notice a figure approaching the demon and a sparkle twinkled within her eye, “Fine then! So you can pass between dimensions. Big deal!” she threw up her arms in dismissal, “Are you just trying to impress us with your cute parlor tricks? Exactly what’s stopping you from traveling to other universes and discovering new realms, new realities? Is your mind so simple and petty that all you can think about is something as, well, ‘human’ as revenge?” Twyla laughed and turned to her friends, “Get a load of this guy! He’s practically a god, and yet all he can occupy his time with is picking on a few mortals! What a complete and total waste!”
Although their hopes had been completely shattered, the others were beginning to come around to just how much of a joke the poor soul really was. They even laughed a bit, unable to disagree with the ultimate truth.
Discord pouted like an angry child, “N-Now see here! I-It isn’t just about that! I-!”
Twyla exaggerated a laugh, “Just look at him trying to defend himself in that gaudy costume of his. He’s like some self-conscious try-hard bully whose entire life revolves around being validated!” she turned her attention back to the demon, “What a shame! Such a big crayon box you’ve got there and yet so little creativity, so little substance! And for how long have you been coloring now, sweetie?”
Discord contorted with an unbridled rage, “Why you-! I-I’ve had enough of that mouth of yours!!” he raised his enormous claw into the air. Every inch of spike, nail, and tooth on the Neptunian appendage casted a bleak shadow over the prey items before him. Playtime was over and all he could see before him were bags of meat ready to be skinned and bled dry. What he never expected to see however was the arm that swung around his chest and locked itself around the wrinkled flesh of his neck. Another arm bent across his opposite shoulder and linked into the first using the bottom of his jaw to tug his vertebrae backwards in the most awkward of positions.
Discord choked and gasped under the vicious neck crank. It wasn’t so much air that he had suddenly concerned himself with, but small ratcheting judders that worked their way down his neck and into his spinal cord.
All Raine needed was one more second of that ineptly positioned head cranking further and further back and the demon would’ve been paralyzed from the neck down.
He struggled to get away but couldn’t undo the hold until finally out of desperation the spirit vanished into thin air.
The girl lost her grip and fell onto her feet, ”Son of a-!”
“Raine! Sheesh, you’re a bit late.” Twyla ran over and gave the girl a hug.
“Ya’ almost had em’ there champ. Better luck next time.” Aprile chuckled.
Regina rolled her eyes with a helpless grin, “Never a dull moment.”
“Sorry girls, but I don’t have time for a reunion just yet. I still have some unfinished business to deal with here.” Raine eyed the blue Pegasus ahead of her, “You can come out now.”
“Huh? What’re you looking at me for, loser?” mocked Dash.
Out of the top balcony of the town hall poked out a small eagle’s head. The griffon humbly fluttered down and landed next to her new comrade. Although it had been quite some time, the ponies hadn’t forgotten the face, or the griffon’s terrible attitude.
“I-Is that a real griffon?!”
Raine buttoned the girl’s lip, “Not now, Twyla.”
“Gilda? Tch-! What do you want?” Dash leered, “You back to pick on Pinkie Pie some more?”
“Funny, I was expecting something along the lines of ‘Well look what the cat dragged in’.” Raine mocked.
The Pegasus dashed over to meet her clone eye to eye, “Well I’m sorry to disappoint you! But I’m not surprised that a poser like you would be hanging out with a wannabe!”
“Rainbow!” Twilight cried.
Pinkie agreed, “That was extra mean, Dash!”
“But it’s the truth ain’t it?” Dash scoffed, turning her chin away from the two in disapproval, “It’s a shame you two even came back here! What? D-Did they not allow you guys in-” She took an elbow to the face that sent her crashing into the ground.
“Raine! Stop it!” Twyla tried to pull the fighter away, but she wasn’t having any of it today.
“Now you listen to me, Rainbow Dash! I don’t really give a damn how much you want to blame all of the world’s problems on me, because unlike you at least I try to come to terms with my mistakes! No matter how hard they may be to accept.” Raine turned her attention back to the apprehensive griffon beside her, “And your little friend here’s spent the last year doing just that so she could build up the courage to come back here.” She gave the bird a light push, “Go on, Gilda.”
The griffon gulped and approached the ponies with Rainbow Dash directly before her. It was difficult at first, but she eventually made eye contact with the blue Pegasus who clearly didn’t want anything to do with her.
Gilda cleared her throat and began what she had rehearsed for so many months now, “Listen Dash, I-I’ve been wanting to come back to Ponyille for a while now, a-and you don’t have to listen because-!”
“Which shouldn’t be a problem because she’s going to listen whether she likes it or not.” Rained scowled.
The others watched intently. They couldn’t have imagined what the griffon was about to say next.
“B-Because I know I’ve been a terrible friend to you and a total jerk, b-but I really wanted to apologize. For everything!” she had told herself a million times that she wouldn’t cry, but there was no turning back now, “I-I know it might’ve been a while, maybe too long for any of this to matter, but I can’t go on like this anymore. I feel so horrible over the way I treated you, and Pinkie, and everyone! I-I was just so obsessed with looking good in front of you guys that I forgot what was really important. I forgot that it doesn’t matter what you’re like if you have good friends by your side, but like a total idiot I just threw all of that away! Pinkie Pie and the rest of you had even thrown a party for me, and instead of thanking her all I did was insult her! Oh, I-I’m so sorry! I can’t tell you how sorry I am!!” Gilda tried her best to hide her tears, utterly ashamed of how stupid she probably looked in front of everyone, “Y-You don’t have to be my friend again, you don’t even have to forgive me. I-I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t! I’ve turned into such a rotten person that I don’t deserve to know such good friends like you guys...”
Gi was far from alone in her sniveling tears.
“Oh, Gilda… It’s okay.” Pinkie immediately wanted to throw the griffon half a dozen birthday parties, all at once of course.
Dash stared up at her old friend as she lay on the ground, her eyes glazed over completely oblivious of the bruised cheek.
Gilda was unsure what to do next, but she had accomplished what she had come to Ponyville for at the very least and that was that, “W-Well look, that’s all I really had to say. I-I’m sorry, but I needed to apologize, I-I’m sorry if I wasted your time…”
Rainbow Dash squinted and a set of waterfalls poured out of her eyes sockets, “Don’t you even think about flying off…!” she took off like a bullet and gave Gilda the biggest hug she’d probably ever given anyone.
It was the very last thing Gilda had expected. She hadn’t even prepared her script with a response and so all she could do was hold her best friend tightly, “I-I’m so sorry, Dash.”
“Sh-Shut up, Gi. You big cry baby...!” Luckily Gilda’s feathers were waterproof. Although Dash didn’t want to admit it, at least out loud, she had always missed the griffon even if Gilda had become some no good bully. It was quite the switch around, but that’s the sort of thing that happens when you bottle up your emotions.
The other ponies, especially Pinkie Pie swamped in to welcome back the griffon. It was all Gilda had ever wanted and she honestly couldn’t remember the last time she was so happy.
Raine crossed her arms and gave a helpless smile over the touching moment.
“That was really sweet of you, Raine.” Twyla patted her over the back, “Not to mention you pretty much saved our butts back there.”
The dare devil chuckled, “I can’t believe you said all that, Twyla. That was hilarious!”
“Little brat’s been holding out on me again!” Aprile laughed gave the girl a light punch in the arm, “You gotta’ teach me that hold one of these days, sug’.”
“Keep that up and I will!”
The girls shared a cheerful laugh. Considering how confusing and horrid the day had been, things had actually ended well for once. Ponyville had been relinquished of its parade of devastating delights among other things, and good friends had been reunited with one another.
“So! Whose down for a par-tay?!” Pinkie Pie wasn’t about to let anyone actually answer that on their own, although Piper had already been down like two clowns.
The curtains of the night had finally drawn to a close to what felt like the longest day Ponyville had ever faced. Eventually the town’s citizens mustered the courage to climb down from their rooftops, although most of the credit would’ve gone to Pinkie Pie. She had whipped up the confetti and ironically enough all the things that had nearly destroyed Ponyville no less than a couple of hours ago.
Parties were Pinkie Pie’s specialty and there was no way she was going to sit around while such an idea was put to rest. She had a reputation to keep up after all, and while Ponyville was still a bit fearful of the temptation, they eventually came around. What kind of town would Ponyville be anyway if they hadn’t celebrated their beloved heroines?
Pinkie and Piper strolled out a massive cream filled Bavarian chocolate cake that although looked absolutely delectable, still had a few ponies acting like paranoid androids.
“Don’t worry everypony! This batch is fresh!” Pinkie fixed those sentiments right up with her usual antics of loud trumpets, streamers, and of course force feeding every single friend in sight a tasty treat. With every spoonful came an awkward chuckle but Ponyville eventually got over itself and had a great time.
The air had been filled with hanging streams of colorful lights, balloons of all things, and some jive party music.
An enormous speaker system probably too large to fit in the town in the first place had been erected complete with Pinkie’s favorite pony, Vinyl Scratch.
“Play that mix, son!” Pinkie dawned a pair of red shutter glasses.
Vinyl swung her turn table and tapped a remix of ‘Pop Culture’ through her Launchpad the only way you could if you were equipped with hooves; Carefully.
Ditzy nearly took out a stage sub-woofer through her aerial dance skills, which were anything but organized. She swept through the dance floor with the cheekiest grin on her face with a jug of cider in one hoof and what was probably a chunk of a muffin monster in the other. Princess Celestia had attempted to inform her of just what she was eating but Ditzy swore she couldn't tell the difference.
Ponies of all proficiencies and cultures had soon completely forgotten that an invasion had ever happened and filled the streets with their swinging hoof steps and frosting covered smiles and laughter.
If ponies had fingers, they’d be snapping them in sync with the beat as a buzzing melody of bass and electronica keyed through the night’s sky. There wasn’t a single thing in the infinite multiverse that could kill this party.
Twilight found herself bustling through the crowds. Her mild attempts at dancing was just as awful as ever, though she was more preoccupied with seeking out her big sister. In her search, she managed to bump into Pinkie of all ponies.
"Hiya, Twilight!"
"Oh, uh, hey Pinkie. Say, have you seen-"
Applejack swung in for a bump, "You know, Twilight, me and the other girls were chattin', and well, none of us would be dosey-doein'' if it weren't for you!"
In the uproar of the liberation mission, Twilight had forgotten all about the flood, "Oh, well, heh, it wasn't that big of-"
"Are you kidding!? If it wasn't for you I'd never taste another cupcake ever again!" Pinkie Pie snorted.
"That's right, Twilight!" AJ elbowed the unicorn's shoulder, "We may not remember much but if this party's being thrown for anypony, it's you!"
Before the little unicorn knew it, or could fight her way out of it anyway, she was being carried off in a surf of cheering hooves. Twyla was on her own for this one.
A couple of the girls sat under a dimly lit umbrella table at the edge of the concert while they watched dozens of ponies light up the night. A party was honestly the last thing most of the humans wanted to do, but it was a nice gesture, a band-aid on an open wound.
Raine would've loved to have lost herself in the distraction. She had heard something about an endless river of hard liquor sloshing through the town’s water supply system, but thanks to the Elements of Harmony, the drab old apple cider would have to do, “I guess it’s better than nothing.”
Regina managed to shoot a grin at her friend, “It is what it is, darling. I’m just thankful that at the very least... We’re all here in one piece.” She lifted her glass of cider to her dear friend.
“I’ll drink to that, even if it is non-alcoholic.”
Their glasses tapped and they took a swig of the cider. One would’ve thought the almost entirely fruit congested menu might’ve become a bore by now, but hey, apples were good for you.
Regina caught a glimpse of Twyla trying to sneak away from the party. The girl looked like an emotional mess as if she was about to vomit, and not from Pinkie's cakes either, "I think I should go check up on Twyla, dear. I'll be back in a few."
“Don't worry about me, go take care of her. I'll be around.” Raine sighed and took another drink of her cider, doing her best to pretend it was at least a cheap beer. Ponyville must have been such an easy place to live considering there was virtually no alcohol, “Alright, I know you’re back there. Get your butt out here already.”
Rainbow Dash groaned, “There’s no way you could’ve possibly seen me! When did you even notice me spying on you guys?”
“As soon as you flew in, ya’ dummy. You really need to learn how to sneak up on people. That sort of thing’ll get your lights knocked out.” Raine clanged her worthless glass against the table and reclined into the back of her chair, “So what’s all this about? Are we going to have a heart to heart or not?” she really wasn't exactly in the mood for another emotional afterschool special, but knew she had an apology coming her way and she was going to stick around to get it.
“You’re just impossible you know that...”
The girl chuckled and rested the back of her head in between her palms, “And I take a lot of pride in that. Now, what’s on your mind, pipsqueak?”
Dash didn’t exactly have a lot of room for apologies in that ego of hers, but she knew she owed her big sister at least something, “Eh, this whole day’s just been a bunch of baloney. I-I really just wanted to say sorry for being a jerk with you this whole time. None of this was your fault at all, I was just-”
Raine blankly held out her fist, “You don’t need to say sorry to me, pipsqueak. I probably would’ve been pissed off too if something had happened to Twyla, but hey, we’re good. No hard feelings right?”
“Sheesh! Can I at least thank you for bringing over Gilda like that? You have no idea what that meant to me!”
Raine giggled, “Just pound it already, will you?”
Dash groaned, “Sheesh, no wonder I can’t stand your guts. You’re just like me!” The Pegasus thumped the fist and joined in with the girl’s laugh, and boy did it feel good to laugh for once.