“Scoots… We need to talk.” Sweetie said. The words nobody wanted to hear. Talking was always bad, but communication good. What a wonderful paradox. Talking was when you were being told what to do, who to see, disapproval of actions. Communication was simply the opposite. Nonviolent, rational. Suger Cube Corner became a box suffocating Scootaloo, her eyes shrank to pins and her heart beat outside her chest. Apple Bloom nodded. Scootaloo sipped her pineapple malt, but her mouth was still dry.
“W...Well?” she managed to say weakly.
“We’ve been talking, and we don’t think we can do this.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve changed.” Apple Bloom blurted. “You’ve beat the snot out of my boyfriend because he ‘looked at you funny,’ your foreplay is getting too rough, even for me, and half the boys in our class have fallen down stairs because they’re too afraid to admit a hundred-twenty pound girl beat them up.”
“If I didn’t they would have! It’s only a matter of time! I’m trying to protect us!” she growled.
Apple Bloom got up from her seat and stood next to Scootaloo and smacked her with the back of her hand. “Do ya even hear tha words comin’ out of your mouth?”
“What even made you act this way? You put up with your parents and were still the girl I loved. So what changed?” Sweetie asked.
Scootaloo was at the bookstore browsing the fantasy section. It was a perfectly mundane Summer day and she was generally content. A figure approached, gray in color, male. Scootaloo didn’t recognize him. He was probably on a sports team from his overly-tight spandex shirt and bulging muscles. He was in her grade, but she had no idea of his name. The class was huge, after all.
They bumped into each other. He said, “Watch where you’re going, faggot.” Scootaloo knew in that instant, that no matter people will always hate you. You can be the best person you can be, forgive everyone or try. Jesus would be proud. Fuck Jesus and his “forgiveness.” People don’t deserve forgiveness. If anyone needed forgiveness it was her. A great big “Sorry” card from the universe, apologizing for the shit she went through. He was sent home shortly after school started with a broken nose because he slipped into the locker.
Scootaloo went on the warpath. Everyone was a threat to her happiness. Even… Even Rainbow, her girlfriends and especially the other students. She could trust no one. And so she got away with it. Somehow. Eventually boys would tremble at her sight, girls would turn away. She was in control, and it was wonderful. Nobody knew. Or at least, so she thought.
“So you can’t even trust us. Your best friends since kindergarten?” Apple Bloom figuratively spat.
“You don’t know what’s best for you! I was trying to protect you… I just wanted us to be happy, but you couldn’t know… OW, WHY THE HELL DO YOU KEEP SLAPPING ME?”
“Because maybe if I do it enough you’ll realize how dumb you sound!”
“Apple Bloom. Stop. It’s not worth it… let’s just… let's just go.” Sweetie got up and walked out the door. Apple Bloom shook her head and walked out.
Scootaloo left a twenty on the table and walked out. Ten minutes had passed. What happened to them? She felt nothing, and at the same time a nuclear reactor was overheating. She started walking, no destination in mind. It started raining. Scootaloo could taste the bitter irony in each drop. She walked and trudged past the cars trying to flee from the inevitable, beyond pedestrians scurrying like rats in a self-made maze, beyond even the sidewalks.
She walked among the trees. It kept raining heavy drops, the world contained in each one as it crashed down on her. She found herself at the edge of a cliff. She sat down and admired the view. Wondered what it would be like to fly for a moment. She’d probably find a way to screw that up too. She leaned back on one hand, her palm hitting something hard and possibly metal. She picked it up blindly and gashed her palm.
She picked it up and looked. It was a beautiful five-inch fixed blade, a little rusty. Probably abandoned just a few weeks ago by a scatterbrained camper. A divine entity was testing her. She knew the right answer. Put the blade down. But she never was very good at taking tests.
Scootaloo woke up in heaven. Or what appeared to be the waiting room. Bright lights everywhere, no shadows. A comfy bed, something stuck in her arm. She could hardly breathe and her vision swam.
“Oh look, she’s awake.” An angelic voice called. “I think. Should we...”
“I’m still not going to.”
“Well, we did break up with a suicidal girl. We should have known.”
“Well we coulda handled it better but it’s not excuse for staying in a toxic relationship.”
Scootaloo felt a heavy stinging on her cheek, shocking her into alertness. She started coughing, like her lungs were exploding. “God… Dammit Apple Bloom.”
“Just wanted to make sure you were conscious.”
“What’s… going on?”
“You have pneumonia because you walked for two hours in the rain to ghastly gorge. You also sliced up your wrists with a rusty knife and had to get several injections.”
“That sounds dumb, why would I do that?”
“Because you’re a fucking idiot.”
“Apple Bloom, chill. She has depression. Rainbow said it’s kind of like balancing on a razor. She could fall off at any moment.”
“Then Rainbow’s the damn idiot for not doing something about it!” Apple Bloom spat.
The door opened and Rainbow Dash walked in. “To be fair, I thought she was over it. I should have known better, so I’ll accept the charges.” She sat down and palmed her eyes before continuing. Scootaloo noticed the black rings around her red-rimmed eyes. “This always fucking happens…” Rainbow muttered, thinking nobody heard her. She looked up “How you feeling?”
“Dead.”
“Best answer. You’ll notice you’re restrained. You’re also under constant surveillance. You’re a bit young to start anti-depressants, but at this point there’s no other way. Due to the side-effects you will be here under observation until they find one that works. A therapist will also start meeting with you…”
Scootaloo wailed. “No! No! He’ll just tell me to stop loving who I love! Try to make me something I’m not!” The screaming turned to coughing.
“No, she won’t.” Rainbow gave no further explanation. “I promise you’ll thank me by the end of this.”
Rainbow left.
“So this is the thanks I get? My life continued on? Saved at every corner to increase the misery! And you, you ungrateful bitches! All I ever did these past few months was for us! And what do you do?” Scootaloo coughed loudly, “Dump me? OH, I get it now. You’re here just to take me back-- GOD DAMMIT THAT HURTS!” Scootaloo tried to raise her arms to fight back but, as she was told, they were pinned to the bed. Apple Bloom tried to shake the needles from her hand and walked out without saying a word. Sweetie got up and stood beside her.
“I don’t believe in God,” she said, “but I’ll pray for you.” And she left.
And Scootaloo was alone. Now, and forever.
Sweetie sat in the middle of the tree house as Apple Bloom paced a rut around it. “I think you’re being too hard on her. She has depression.”
“But is that an excuse to coddle her? Oh, never mind the bodily harm you did to Rumble, his brother, Stardust, Midnight, or the other twenty kids in our grade! You’re just sad! It will all be fine!”
“No… but did you really have to slap her… several times?”
“Yes. Seriously. There’s a difference between mental disorders and being a bloodthirsty maniac! And then she gets on her fucking high horse and tries to justify it to us! Protecting us? None of those kids did shit to us!”
“Yeah, but she’s been through so much.”
“Which brings me back to my first question. Does that excuse what she done?”
“I… I don’t know.”
Apple Bloom stopped her ritualistic dance. “I’m sorry, I’m angry. I feel betrayed that Scootaloo would do something like this. I get she’s always been rowdy but this is too far. And we have all these tests and I have two minutes of free time with all the chores and studying I have to do. I’m stressed. I want to take a nap. I’ve slept about three hours this week. I’m taking it out on you, or anything within earshot. I understand she’s been through a lot, but she’s going about it all wrong… she seemed so… together. Maybe the stress is getting to her too.”
“I’ll forgive you. Even I’m a little mad at Scoots. It was my decision to break up with her too. I kinda regret it but… more to the point. We have some time since it’s the weekend.”
“Do you really wanna? Like right now, after all this?”
“No. I want to take a nap as much as you do. Pardon my French but Fuck all of this.”
They fell asleep quite quickly.
Scootaloo was still stuck trying to think of how to kill herself and do the world a favor. Since she was bound, she couldn’t think of a whole lot of options. So she sighed and resigned, for now, to stay on this miserable rock.
The door to her room opened. She didn’t realize how much she appreciated that people would actually knock, until it was gone. A pale yellow figure walked up sheepishly. Oh great.
“Hey Scoots. I…”
“What the hell are you doing here?” she barked.
Fluttershy’s expression didn’t change. She took a step closer. “I’m just visiting a friend.”
“I’m not your friend. I’m not anyone’s friend! Just STAY AWAY!” Scootaloo yelled, but tears ran down her eyes. She started coughing but managed to control her breathing.
Fluttershy pulled out a chair and took a seat. “No.” She said calmly.
“Well if you’re going to barge into my room, ask the nurse for a scalpel with those big innocent eyes and cut my throat, would ya?”
“I don’t think I’ll do that either.”
“WHAT IS THE POINT OF YOU?” Scootaloo wheezed and screamed at the same time, like very angry leaves rustling.
“Hmm. Deep question. I think each person has to make their own point. Me, I try to be kind, I suppose.”
“Whore, bitch ass fucking cunt! Get the fuck out nobody loves you!” Scootaloo made one last desperate attempt. She needed to be alone, that way she wouldn’t hurt anybody.
“You done?” Fluttershy blinked.
“Why the fuck are you still here? You’re supposed to be the scaredy cat! The coward, the weak helpless, please-save-me princess! Seriously! Even Rainbow abandoned me! And here you are. We hardly know each other!”
“Then how do you know if I’m weak and helpless?” Fluttershy moved her flowing hair out of her delicate eyes.
“Because everyone knows.”
“Do they, though? What does it mean to truly know another person?”
“I guess… spend enough time with them and you’ll know everything?”
Fluttershy giggled.
“WELL WHAT IS IT?”
“To know a person as well as they know themselves, you’d have to be them. I won’t pretend to be you, but I’ve been through what you’ve been through.” Fluttershy got up and showed Scootaloo her wrists. Two small scars on each of them.
“You think you’re special?”
“No, not really. I know what yours look like. Rainbow Dash, well. She saved me. And you, wouldn’t you agree?”
“Yeah, but… where is she now?”
“She doesn’t like bullies remember? She just needs some time to cool off and remember you’re still her sister. Let’s be honest, if you found out she was a bully you’d hang her by her ankles like a rowdy rooster.” Fluttershy sat back down. “Oh dear me, I’m being rude. Would you like a soda?
There was a nine month pregnant pause. The sort of pause people have when they’re trying to figure out what’s going on, while simultaneously figuring out the proper way to react. The sort of pause people have if a lover walks out on them after months of bliss. A pause when a little girl who's scared, alone and wants to die is shown an act of kindness.
“Please.”
Fluttershy got up and walked out. Scootaloo noticed the ticking clock pounding into her head. She came back with a Mr. Lightning and a water. She put the soda on the side-table and undid Scootaloo’s arm. She moved to open the can but Scootaloo stopped her.
“I got it.” The girl picked up the can and opened the tab with a finger.
Fluttershy giggled. “I can only assume where you learned to do that.” Scootaloo laughed like she was going mad. Under the present circumstances, she technically was. But Fluttershy just made a perverted joke. Scootaloo was trying to reconcile reality with expectations.
Eventually she calmed down and Fluttershy took her seat again, moving it closer to Scootaloo’s bed. “So, you wanna trade suicide stories?” the pinkette asked, as though it were the natural thing to do.
It was two years ago now, before the Old Sunset Shimmer took the divide and conquer approach. I was being picked on by some big dumb jocks. And perhaps this is the downside to gender equality. Everyone is bullied equally. But it’s not my place to say. I’ve forgiven them. It’s because of them I’m in the place I am today. It wasn’t anything new, but I was having a bad day. One of the dogs under my care had passed. I was already on the emotional cliff.
But I ran home, ready to do the unthinkable. I had thought about it a long time but knew this was finally the time to commit. I downed half a bottle of aspirin, cut my wrists, then tried to hang myself.
Overkill, I know. I said Rainbow saved me. She kicked down my door. I saw later that the hinges were rusty. Call it luck or call it God, but I thank those hinges. Of course with all those blood thinners I was bleeding everywhere. I passed out shortly after, but saw she patched my wounds and woke up in the hospital. Much like you did.
“So, who saved me?”
“Rainbow was concerned, but your friends were the ones that went out and found you. You had been gone for a while, and she already feared the worst. Frankly, two hours is more than enough time to kill yourself. Not that she would ever admit this, but she was curled up in the corner of her room, freaking out.”
Scootaloo looked at her wrists and the huge new gashes they had. “Oh my, those are pretty nasty.”
“Yeah…” Scootaloo replied absentmindedly.
“Well, I told you mine, what about you?”
Scootaloo sighed. “I guess so. You’re not going to leave anyway.”
Better start with the first. It was about a month after I came out to my parents and the whole mess of shit that caused. You know about that right? OK. Good. I felt… a lot like I do now. I’m a burden on the world, I’m not doing anyone any favors by staying alive. I cut myself a few times but woke up later and patched myself up. Yet another thing I screwed up on. So that was it for a while. I couldn’t even kill myself correctly. Obviously I kept cutting. I figured I could control myself and be… the perfect child God wanted me to be. But I see now, it didn’t work.
It would have been the beginning of last semester by the next one. If Rainbow didn’t show up, I probably would have… I don’t know. Drown myself? I had lost everything. My family. Well, they like to think they’re everything. I didn’t have anything left, so I probably would have. I don’t know how. But I never attempted so I guess that doesn’t count.
And then a few days ago, my girlfriends broke up with me. I felt so alone, so I walked all the way to ghastly gorge in the rain, found a knife and… I’m not sure what happened next. But I guess my friends rescued my sorry ass.
Fluttershy smiled so sweetly. She always did that. “You still called them your friends.”
“Well. They are. Aren’t they?”
“I’d certainly say so. How do you feel now?”
“I… It’s nice to talk about it. Kinda like… A weight’s been lifted.”
“You’re probably sick of hearing this, but we’re all here if you need to talk.”
And for the first time, Scootaloo really talked about her feelings. She bared all. How it felt like the world was caving in and she was trying to prevent it. Fluttershy added, “While standing on a tightrope.” And Scootaloo nodded. Fluttershy compared depression to a razor. That’s what they mean by emotionally stable. Balancing is hard on a razor. Most people have a whole bridge. She explained that antidepressants are meant to try and make a bridge that’s easier to balance on. It won’t make her happy, it won’t take away sadness, but it will, hopefully, prevent her from falling off for good.
Fluttershy had finished her drink, and exhausted all her knowledge of mental illnesses, so she left. Before she did, however, she put Scootaloo’s arm back in the cuff. “Awww,” the girl lamented.
“It’s not that I don’t trust you, I don’t trust the razor.” Fluttershy winked. She gingerly kissed the younger girl’s forehead like her mother used to do when she was five. The door clicked softly and Scootaloo wept.
And wept.
And wept. Tears of relief smudged her hospital gown.
However long she cried, she finally finished. It felt good. Like chains and boulders had been removed from her back, added gradually as time went on. She never noticed they were there until their absence.
With little else to do, she fell asleep at around five pm. She didn’t wake until eight the next morning. She recalled it would have been a Saturday, maybe. She had no way of knowing the date. On a normal day, she’d be out having fun with her friends… They were still her friends right?
The door opened, an orderly carrying her breakfast. The over-worked nurse was followed by Scootaloo’s companions.
“You’re quite popular.” The nurse smiled. Scootaloo was smiling but it wasn’t at the dumb comment. Suicide brings out the worst in people. “They were my best friends,” they’d say. Bullocks. Friends don’t let friends do that, and Scootaloo had two wonderful examples. That’s why she was smiling.
“I guess I am.” The nurse, Redheart, or something, had caught on to Scootaloo’s reserved tendencies so left her alone after undoing her straps.
“How ya feelin?” Apple Bloom asked.
“Pretty great actually.”
“Good. I’m… I’m sorry I was hard on you. Now that I have more than three hours of sleep I realize I wasn’t helping anything. I want the best for my friends, but since you started acting like a bully…”
“I know, I know. I was just being stupid I guess. I… I even heard Diamond Tiara talk about how she turned into a bully to keep from being bullied, and how that worked out. I…” Scootaloo’s eyes started to get misty. “I guess I wanted to make sure we’d never be called faggots again. I… wow. I’m dumb.”
Sweetie scowled. “Say something nice about yourself.”
“I’m pretty ripped I guess.” Scootaloo flexed, feeling the strain on her scabs.
“Better. I think you’ve lost some weight. You look a little pale too.”
“Well I lost a gallon or two of blood, what do you expect? They don’t let me exercise, and have you seen the food?” Scootaloo tossed her already empty tray on the table. Scootaloo felt the straps on her feet loosen while Apple Bloom was ducked under the sheet. “What are you doing?”
“Something dumb.”
“Sounds normal.” Once her straps were off, Scootaloo needed no prompting to sit up and position her feet to the edge of the bed. She got up… and nearly fell over from the dizziness. She caught herself on the table and took a few deep breathes.
“You have guards outside your room, apparently you’re high risk, but we’re gonna give you some exercise.”
Scootaloo began undoing the knot keeping her gown on.
“What are you doing?”
“Getting ready for exercise?” Scootaloo chuckled.
“Hmm, not that kind hun. We still love ya, but let’s take it slow for now. You do have pneumonia. Try to walk around the room.”
Scootaloo took an uneasy step. When did her legs turn to Jello? She was only in the hospital for a day. Come to think of it, how did she lose weight? Either way, her wobbly legs weren’t going to hold her back so she took another, and another and another. She nearly fell after the sixth step, but Apple Bloom caught her chest and propped her back up.
“Seriously, you’re like ten pounds lighter. That don’t happen overnight. You were thin as a rail to begin with.” Only Apple Bloom could make an observation on weight that quickly by simply holding something. Scootaloo scowled. “Maybe you’re just fat.”
“Easy sugar.”
“Actually weight loss is a symptom of depression. I’ve been researching. How’s your appetite?” Sweetie asked.
“I’m not usually that hungry.”
“Well, you’ll be alright. Once they let you outta this joint we’re gonna have to take you to a Family Supper.” Apple Bloom twanged. “Put all that weight back on in no time.”
Scootaloo completed a lap around the room with some help after half of it. She sat down back in bed panting. Then coughing. Apple Bloom used her sledge-hammer fists on her lungs and that put a stop to it.
“So I have like one question,” Scootaloo began. “Are we back together?”
“Yes,” Sweetie answered.
“On the condition you stop being stupid,” Apple Bloom added. “Not getting the help you need is stupid, beating up people, especially your friends, is stupid. I can make a whole list if you want.”
The fluid in Scootaloo’s lungs prevented a full laugh, but she did manage to wheeze bemusedly. “I might just need that. Apple Bloom, can we talk a minute. Alone. I know it’s weird.”
Sweetie made for the door. “We all have our private business.”
“What’s it like… having your sister double as your mother?”
“Incest jokes aside, I hardly know any different. I guess she fits the bill for a mom pretty well. Patches my wounds, makes sure I do my homework and don’t stay out too late. But she doesn’t hover and try to control me. But she’s also there… Why are you crying?”
“Nothing, I’m fine.”
“Scoots, we’ve been through this.” Apple Bloom glared.
“I still don’t have a mother! I just have a place where I’m not judged. But… I… Don’t. Prism isn’t really there, and neither is her husband. They don’t care, they…”
“Shhh, shh." Apple Bloom patted the weeping girl's shoulder. "Sure they care. They just take a different approach to parenting, which isn’t the one you need right now. I’ll talk to my big sis, since I’m not sure what to do, OK?”
“Alright, thanks.” Apple Bloom gave a small kiss and tied her back up.
“Rules are rules. I’ll see ya tomorrow.”
The doctor came in shortly after and explained some of the more technical details of the drug he was about to administer. All Scootaloo could focus on is the thought that she should get a shirt that says “Happiness is Serotonin.” Which basically summed up what he said.
Scootaloo took the tiny pill. “Can you untie me? Get me some books or maybe some Playboy? I’m going crazy!”
“Well, let’s see, you’re on the first floor so you can’t jump out the window, there’s no sharp objects in the room… You can’t kill yourself with a paper cut. You can’t leave the room. Alright. No more restraints. What books do you like?”
“Fantasy mostly.”
The doctor, Scootaloo made no effort to remember his name, nodded. “Have you heard of Brandon Sandstone? My daughter really likes him.”
“No, I haven’t.”
“I’ll get some for you.”
“That’s great and all, but what about the Playboy?”
“Ask your friends to get it. Speaking of, you can have your cellphone back but you’ll have to charge it outside your room.”
“Why… Oh.” Scootaloo thought of ways the cord might kill her. “I’m not that bad off.”
“Well, perhaps not now… But five minutes from now.”
“True enough…”
“And of course, as you’ve been told a million times already, you’ll be under observation for a few days so we can tell if the medicine is working and no side-effects.”
“Yaaay.” Scootaloo moaned.
After a few minutes an orderly, different from the first, carried in three books and Scootaloo’s phone. The girl took her phone and sent a text to her friends. “Please send help. Need dirty pictures.” After a few jokes about her sexual appetite later, her phone died.
Recalling how difficult it was to walk yesterday she tried again and made a whole lap before collapsing on the bed. The hell was wrong with her? Well, other than knocking on death’s door, pneumonia, and needing a few gallons of blood replaced. Scootaloo started hacking, it felt like her lung was going to come up.
She coughed so hard for so long, she knew she was going to barf. Perched above the trashcan, she gave a final wheeze before breakfast said goodbye.
Fuck all this.
After she recovered from her vomiting she tapped a wireless button to call a nurse. Not getting help you need is stupid. Boy did she need help right now. One came in immediately. He looked to be fairly strong, fully capable of lifting her if need be. He could smell the vomit and picked up the trash can with a gloved hand. “Yeah, you’ll probably hack up a lot. Make sure to stay hydrated. Would you care for a sponge bath?”
“Uhhh. Sure.”
A mildly attractive nurse cleaned her up. It felt nice to get rid of the dank clamminess that always follows a spell like that. She rubbed an antiseptic salve on Scootaloo’s wounds. The girl resolved to hold off on physical exertion until her lungs weren’t filled with an ocean. The books the doctor gave her were good, and she enjoyed them throughout the day.
The next day was the beginning of a routine, it appeared. Her friends came in at breakfast and they talked.
“I’m not really… angry at you.” Sweetie said, after a five minute tirade to make her point. “I was just… disappointed at what you thought you had to do. I understand where you were coming from but at the same time… you can’t just do that.”
“Well, I am literally crazy.”
“Say something nice.”
“What did you always say to me... I’m perfect.”
“One day you’ll believe that.”
“I forgive you.” Sweetie blinked, Scootaloo noticing her eyes were moist.
“Sweetie, if you don’t mind, I need to talk to Scoots alone.” Apple Bloom said.
“Alright you two, just behave.” Sweetie left, the movement resembling a dainty leaf falling from a tree.
“Well, what AJ said was basically talk to your current mother figures about how you feel. She also talked about how she had to be her own mom sometimes. I don’t get most of it, but she talked about how she would do stuff she hated because it had to be done, to make them proud.” Apple Bloom scratched her neck. “I don’t think that quite fits, but if you want my opinion, try to make yourself proud. And Family is whoever loves you for who you are.” Scootaloo cried. “Oh what did I do this time?”
“No I’m fine, I swear. These are tears of happiness. Can I call you sister?”
“Scoots, I’m already the butt of enough incest jokes to fill a barrel. No, at least not in public. But I kinda feel the same way.” Apple Bloom seemed to think about something. “I better get going. Got a lot of shit to do on the farm. But I forgive you too. What you did was stupid, unnecessary and hurtful, but sisters forgive each other. And girlfriends, and best friends. So I forgive you. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m off to break my back.”
“Thanks. Kiss Sweetie for me, I know you’re both busy. Fortunately I don’t have to study for any test.”
“Ain’t y’all special.” Apple Bloom smirked mischievously.
Scootaloo fake sneered and Apple Bloom left. Thirty minutes passed and the door opened again.