To my mother Spoiled Rich whomever cares Daddy Cheerilee Princess Twilight Sparkle the Cutie Mark Crusaders Silver Spoon
To my few and precious friends,
Do you ever feel like this? You all hide it well if you do. I think of any of you, and you’re smiling in my head. It almost makes me happy, before I feel the sharp juxtaposition between us, and it stings so much. I’m really tired. But there’s always so much to do, and so little time for myself. It’s just so hard to do anything. It’s like… What’s the point? I try so hard, but each day is the same. I thought I tried harder, I thought I did better, but at most I manage not to fall farther… Sometimes I wish I could just stop. Just… Give up, and lie down, letting go of everything. I once dreamed. I once was a foalish pony. I dreamed that I could achieve anything I wanted. I dreamed that working harder would mean I could do it. I dreamed that what I was doing was enough. I dreamed I could be happy with myself. I dreamed I could one day escape all this and relax. I dreamed of giving up.
But if life were a dream, I could wait for Luna to zap away all my troubles. I wish anything in my life had such certainty, good or bad. Even my failures being certain would be lovely. Cause’ then, I could fight. Fight that stupid, childish piece of me. Could it even be called hope? It was more like wishful thinking. But here I am, each day wondering what would ruin my next. Or maybe what I would ruin next.
That day of the school elections, you girls gave me so much hope. I wish I could decide on what to feel about it. I hate you three for what you’re doing to me. Every time I see you, every time you look like you’re happy to see me, every time you make me feel like everypony else, you make me delusional. I’m so jealous of you three. I wish I could just be one of you. It’s not like there’s anything worthwhile for being me; I’d love if Diamond Tiara was just some annoying filly I avoided, rather than anything else.
I have to thank you three as well. And Silver Spoon. You let me in. You tease me with your lifestyles, with conversations and smiles and your care. I wonder. Is it just who you are to be somepony who cares about everything, or am I really somepony you care about? I thought no one cared. I’m still pretty sure. I certainly stopped caring about myself long ago. You probably didn’t care to read past the first lines. I wish I could blame you, but I’m not an interesting pony, am I?
I love you girls for everything you do for me. I can feel how hard it must be having to deal with me intruding on your lives each day. I wonder how it feels to have annoyances, rather than hoping the pillars around you throw you a cracker.
I used to be like this. I started like this. No… I was happy before that. I remember being well respected, liked. I remember being the smartest in the class. I remember being the role model. I don’t know how it changed… It just did. It was so confusing not being the smartest or the most popular. I was falling faster than I was understanding what was changing. They all looked down to me then. I was one of the ones grouped together with other failures then. My name was mentioned along with those who I used to look down upon and laugh at how pathetic they were.
So I isolated myself. I decided I didn’t care what they think. I decided I would do whatever I want. I decided I didn’t need anyone else but myself. I don’t know where I’d be without you clinging to me even through this, Silver. I was a nuisance now. A bully. Something the school would be better off without. I had no friends now, that I was certain. Even you didn’t like me that much, did you, Silver?
It hurt. So much. When I realized what I’d done to myself. How could I hope to rebuild bridges I shattered and vandalized? I was a clown. An idiot for wanting everything I cursed myself to lose. When everypony at school could openly insult me and treat me like a disease when I approached, I knew I was buried far too deep by my idiocy. I thought about dying. About how I wouldn’t have to feel the looks of hatred and disgust openly directed towards me. It was so comforting. So tantalizing that there was some way to make myself unable to feel pain again.
But I knew it was just a thought. I could never bring myself to that. So I taught myself to be fine with it. Just… expect less from life. I should be happy with what I have. Certainly, there are ponies that suffer more than I could ever imagine. I couldn’t be sad. I couldn’t be sad that I couldn’t be happy. Just… don’t feel. Don’t care.
But I did care. I still do. Silver Spoon, when you decided you had enough of me, it broke my heart. We supported each other through so much, and then you went with them instead? I thought we were friends! I thought I could depend on you to always be there! But you were like everypony else. I was just that annoying filly you had to put up with, wasn’t I? I trusted you! And you just abandoned ship when I was struggling the most?!
It hurt so much. I went in the schoolhouse, went to my ballots, and there was only one piece of paper. My own! Of course it was my own. Why would I think anyone in the school liked me? I was all alone. I came to piece with that long ago. But where was yours? Why wasn’t your name there beside mine, like you always were? And when I rushed out to ask you… Your face… I hated that face. I saw it everywhere. But now it was yours. The look a Royal Guard would give a petty thief. The look that told me you didn’t care. That I was nothing to you, that I was just an annoyance you were waiting out.
You’re right. You’re always right, aren’t you? You shouldn’t have to deal with my drama. You’re above the problems I cause. The Cutie Mark Crusaders found me the next day, they told me I could change. Cutie Mark Crusaders… you girls are perfect. To think you’d see good in someone like me… It was… incredible. You girls, I can’t deny, are the most important ponies in that schoolhouse. You’re the kindest, the smartest… er, where it counts, and the most complex ponies out of all of them. And you thought I could change. Then certainly… certainly, I could stand up for myself. I could leave behind what that my mother made me. The Cutie Mark Crusaders… my friends?
I’m glad we made up, Silver Spoon. And I’m so sorry, too. Sorry that you have the burden of knowing me. Of trying to be my friend despite everything I push on you. I don’t deserve you, any of you. I’m sorry. So sorry. I wish I wasn’t such a burden. I wish I wasn’t who I am.
I’m so tired. It was great, but in the end, you three could never see me as an equal, could you? Everypony learned to tolerate me. It was wonderful. But I’ve lost my high, I’m seeing things for what they are. They still don’t care about me. You girls let me in, but I know you prefer it when I’m away. I see it when you laugh, when you hug, and I watch from a distance. I see it when you don’t, and I’m here beside you.
Those thoughts I had before, I didn’t think they’d come back. But here I am. Always the loner, worse than third wheel, huh? I thought I dealt with this so long ago. I bottled up my pain, I trained myself to always look confident, always look superior. Then you all had to ruin everything! Your stupid false hopes about being my friend and helping others.
stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid
I love you girls… I wish I could tell you without making a foal of myself every time. I wish I could talk to you like you to each other. I wish I wasn’t so tired. It eats away at me. My biggest fear. Any one of you… all of you… deciding you’ve had enough of me. Once was enough. Never again, I’d hope. But it's inevitable, isn’t it?
Your friend friend friend friend friend,
Diamond Tiara