Regrets
Lively Hearth's Warming music pounded from the large speakers at the top of the record store. Bells, saxophones, and pianos mingling together in a manner one only heard, or could tolerate, at one time of year. It wasn't the kind of music Lemon Zest enjoyed, but even she was able to get in the holiday spirit when those melodic voices started singing their uplifting tunes. Well, mostly uplifting. She never understood why so many singers decided to write depressing Hearth's Warming songs. When she got her degree in musical science she would write the most uplifting songs ever heard.
She jolted out of her thoughts when a finger tapped her shoulder. A bright smile spread across her lips when she turned to see her companion standing behind her with a CD held up in one hand, the other pointing to the picture on the front. A picture of two infant children on a sled being pulled by a white fluffy dog with a fake red nose.
"Is this the grossest cover you've ever seen in your life or what?" Vinyl Scratch turned the cover toward her to peer down at it with a grimace. "Seriously, I think I am getting diabetes just looking at it."
"Haha, what's wrong, not a big fan of puppies?" Lemon Zest swept up to wrap an arm around Vinyl's, plucking the CD out of her grip with the other to get a better look at the name. "The Fluffy Puppies is an actual band?"
"Apparently. Or they're pretending to be one, anyway. Who knows if they can actually make music? Never heard them before. And I don't really want to."
"Maybe I'll buy it for our dinner date tonight." Lemon grinned slyly up at her girlfriend.
Vinyl smirked back with a raised eyebrow. "If you do, I'll feed you from a dog bowl." She looked over Lemon's shoulder with a spark of recognition lighting up behind her heavily tinted shades. "Hey, give me just a minute will ya? I just spotted a friend I haven't seen in a while. You pick out something good for us to listen to. Whatever you want. It's all you, baby." She leaned in and kissed Lemon, leaving the blueberry taste of her lipstick lingering on Lemon's lips.
"Alright, hurry up." Lemon smiled dreamily and let Vinyl slip out of her grip on her way toward the front of the record store. Once her blue-haired beauty was out of sight, Lemon turned back to the CD shelf and placed the Fluffy Puppies CD back on the rack to resume her browsing.
"Pardon me." A soft voice with a faint trace of an accent interrupted her browsing. She turned to see a slightly taller girl standing behind her, with a look of concern etched onto otherwise strikingly beautiful features. "I hate to interrupt... but you're here with Vinyl Scratch, aren't you?"
"Er... yeah, that's right." Lemon turned toward the strange girl. "I'm Lemon Zest. And you are?"
"Octavia Melody." Octavia held both hands up in front of her, fiddling with the front of her shirt nervously. "I was afraid I saw what I saw... look, I don't want to worry you, but I feel like you should know that dating her can be... difficult."
"Difficult?" Lemon Zest brushed it off with a laugh. "Oh come on, she's great! She's funny, energetic, and did you know she's a certified genius? She builds all of her own gear! How cool is that!?"
"Why yes, I did know, actually. I'm her ex-girlfriend..." Octavia trailed off into nervous silence for several moments before continuing. "And I felt obligated to warn you that... there's a chance things could go very, very badly with her. You deserve to know before you get in too deep."
"Badly?" Lemon's smile faded slightly. "What do you mean badly? I mean, there's always a chance of breaking up, but that doesn't mean you don't try."
"Yes but... there's no way to put this delicately is there...?" Octavia moved up closer to Lemon and took her hands, leaning in to whisper into her ear. "She can be violent, sometimes. I know it may not seem like it, but she... she can be."
Lemon blinked in surprise, not moving away from the girl. "Octavia... are you saying she hit you while you were dating?"
Octavia moved back and released Lemon's wrists, clearing her throat. "Well, I've said my piece. I wish you the best." Her eyes flitted over Lemon's shoulder for a brief moment before she turned to march quickly toward the next isle in what could only be described as a rapid retreat.
"Hey babe." Vinyl's voice made Lemon jump a bit and whirl back toward her surprised girlfriend. Vinyl raised her arms quickly in surprise. "Whoa! Are you okay? Didn't mean to scare you."
"I-I'm fine..." Lemon gulped. "Just heh... got lost in my own head I guess."
"Yeah, I know the feeling. Did you pick a CD?"
"Oh, yeah." Lemon grabbed blindly at the shelf and held a CD out to Vinyl, only realizing too late that it was the Fluffy Puppies CD. "Th-this one."
"Aw man, really?" Vinyl took the CD from her with a soft grumble. "Fine. But if I hear one dog bark anywhere on here I'm breaking it in half."
"Heh, r-right..." Lemon forced a crooked grin onto her lips. She didn't object when Vinyl slipped an arm around her waist and guided her toward the front to make their purchase.
The ride to Vinyl's place was wildly uncomfortable, though thankfully it wasn't quiet since Vinyl kept her music running in the car at all times. As much as Lemon Zest loved music, she just couldn't find it in her to get into it right now. Octavia's warning was still echoing through her head. In their time together Vinyl Scratch had been the coolest girl Lemon had ever known. She was fun, told jokes constantly, loved partying and music. Even trying to imagine her getting violent was difficult, but why would someone lie about that? Maybe she was just an angry, bitter ex.
Vinyl's sleek convertible rolled up into her driveway before too long, and she climbed out into the gently falling snow that had started while they were moving. Lemon moved around the car to join her, letting their arms intertwine as they made their way into the modestly-sized house that was blissfully warm on the inside. Black and white patterned decorations lined the visible walls, but the carpets and furniture were mostly light brown or deep rose.
"You wanna put on the music and get comfy while I get dinner ready?" Vinyl slid her jacket off and kicked her thick snowboots to the floor beside the door. "Shouldn't take long."
"Sure." Lemon gave her a quick kiss before she unzipped her own jacket and hung it on the hook by the wall, kicking her boots into the pile.
As Vinyl made her way into the kitchen Lemon went into the living room. Most of it looked fairly old and worn-in, but the room suddenly became shiny and high-tech as she approached the far wall, which was dominated by speakers with a sound system half as large as she was tall sitting dead center in the middle of it. She ripped open the packaging and slid the CD into the player, making sure the volume wouldn't make her head explode until the first strings of Silent Night began vibrating forth.
Thankfully the tune was devoid of dog barks, so her CD was safe from Vinyl's wrath. She plopped down on the couch and propped her socks up on the coffee table in front of her, letting her head lean back as she soaked in the music. She was glad the first song was so soft, she needed something to relax her. She didn't want it to, but her mind kept wandering back to Octavia's warning. She had looked so serious... frightened, even.
"This CD's not nearly as bad as I thought. I'm glad you picked it." Vinyl's approaching voice made Lemon open her eyes and watch her approach the sofa with a plate in each hand. She plopped down carelessly beside Lemon and set a plate in front of her. "Microwave chicken tenders and french fries. Dinner of queens."
"Heh, it smells great, thanks." Lemon dropped her feet to the floor and waved a hand over the steaming food to cool it. "Hey, Vinyl, you said you've dated girls before me, right?"
"Yeah, that's right." Vinyl nodded as she mimicking Lemon's cooling motions. "None as awesome as you, but I've sniffed around a bit."
Lemon tried to keep her tone casual. "Did you date one named Octavia Melody?"
Vinyl's motions seemed to falter, and her face twitched at the name, but she quickly recomposed herself. "Yeah, she was my first girlfriend. I went out with her the longest, too."
"Why did you break up?" Lemon asked.
Vinyl was silent for several minutes before she responded. "Why is that important?"
Lemon didn't want to lie, not to her girlfriend... so she told the truth. "She caught up with me at the record store and introduced herself."
"Yeah?" Vinyl plucked one of the chicken tenders off of her plate and gave it a nibble, speaking around it. "What did she say?"
Lemon tried to stay as casual as she could, popping a fry into her mouth and chewing long enough to swallow it before answering. "She wanted to warn me that you hit her. I know, stupid right? Must be some crazy kind of jealous."
Vinyl took another bite of her chicken, no longer looking in Lemon's direction. She kept her gaze focused solely on the meal in front of her. "She wasn't lying."
Lemon's hand paused midway up to her lips with a chicken tender in her fingers, her eyes darting over to stare at Vinyl's cheek. "Do you... wanna tell me what that was all about?"
"Not really. That was a while back."
"Oh." Lemon let the silence between them fall into place as Jingle Bells began playing from the speaker wall. This was the first time she could say there was an uncomfortable silence between them, and it quickly became more than she could stand. "Vinyl, please. I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but... I feel like I need to know now."
Vinyl dropped the remains of her first chicken tender onto her plate and leaned back, finally turning to peer at Lemon through her rose-tinted glasses. "Alright... yeah, you deserve to know this, I guess. And if you wanna leave me once you know, I won't blame you."
"I'm not leaving you."
"I hope not... but you can't say that yet. I don't think I'll ever regret anything more than my time dating Octavia."
***
We met when we were in middle school. Yeah, we've got a lot of history between us. I wanna say we met in some big fancy accident of circumstance or whatever, but we just got seated by each other in class, and got to talking. She was a pretty cool girl, so we spent a lot of time together. We became BFF's, even. Even made the necklaces and stuff. It was so stupid but heck, we were stupid. We were kids. They're all stupid.
It wasn't until high school that we started to realize neither of us were really playing for the right team. Fifteen years old and neither of us were interested in guys. We poked around a bit, because we knew we were supposed to, but after kissing a few I decided I was done with it. Boys just weren't my bag. Now girls... that was where my dreams kept going. Turned out that Octavia felt the same way... I guess maybe that counts as some kind of cosmic coincidence. Some kind of fate. If it was, it was the kind of joke that you wish didn't happen.
We spent years looking for girlfriends until we realized that finding lesbians just around town was nearly impossible. It wasn't until we were halfway through high school that we gave up on that and decided, hey, why are we looking for these total strangers? We already love each other to death, we have a great time together, we're compatible... let's just give it a shot. How could we possibly go wrong hooking up with someone we were already attached to? And who we knew was attached to us?
At first... I won't lie, it was freaking awesome. The makeouts were all kinds of epic, we spent so much time together people started referring to us as one person, and I don't know if it's possible for two people to understand someone else as deeply as we understood each other. At the time I didn't think there was anything that could separate us. I knew everything about her, she knew everything about me, and we were always willing to compromise for each other... at first.
I don't know when it started, but after a while it just kind of lost its spark. I always tried to respect it when she said she wanted a quiet night in, but holy crap did she love sitting around doing nothing. I wanted to go out and party, have a good time with my youth, not sit around a dinner table or snuggling on a couch. But I put up with it, for her sake. Those times I could coax her out of the house she started just sitting at the bar drinking soda while I hit the dance floor. I might get a dance or two out of her, then she'd go right back.
It was so many little things that got between us, I think. The surprise kisses that were so amazing at first just got annoying. We stopped surprising each other at our houses and just set schedules to meet, like freaking business partners. Thinking back... this is probably where we should have called it quits. I didn't want to see her most of the time, but I was obligated. She was my girl. I couldn't just not be there for her.
Around that time was when the fights started. I'd want to go out while she wanted to stay in, we'd have a fight. I wanted pizza while she wanted spaghetti, we'd have a fight. I was busy on a day she wanted to go out, we'd have a fight. It was a few at first... then it just got worse and worse. After a certain point I don't know if we ever even managed to get out of the house, now that I think back again. We just kept coming together and fighting over the stupidest crap.
Yeah, I know, we should have broken up by then. I know we should have... but I felt like that would be wrong. They always say love is hard, don't they? That you can't just quit on it? All relationships have their rough patches, you've just got to power through to the other side. And I was determined to power through to the other side. We had so many good times I just couldn't believe that there were no more left. Maybe she was thinking the same thing... maybe that's why she didn't call it quits either.
We spent at least five months straight just fighting each other. There were brief periods of peace where we managed to sit down at a dinner table and quietly eat, but almost immediately she would start barking at me about not doing the dishes, or being bad at doing the dishes or somesuch bullcrap. Months of her yelling at me, almost every single day, even in the middle of the school hallways we would get into it sometimes. If someone dropped a freaking pencil we would get into it.
One day I remember walking into her house straight into that look on her face and that tone in her voice. I have no idea what she was even saying. I think I was just tuning the whole thing out, waiting for her to stop, but she didn't. She kept going and going and going. I'm not making any excuses when I say I think I finally just... snapped. I wiped the look off of her face with the palm of my hand. The look on her face when she turned back, surprise mixed with rage... I wiped that one off too, this time with a closed fist.
I think the most terrifying part about that day was just how good it felt. I felt amazing looking down at her on the ground, hiding her head with one arm and scooting away from me. Like yeah, bitch, that's what you get for screaming at me for five straight months.
It didn't last long, though. Not after she started crying. That was when I realized it was over. It was done. Nothing could ever be good between us again. I wish I could say I gave some big Hollywood speech about soulmates or something, or did anything at all to cheer her up. I wasn't thinking that clearly. Instead I just said "we're through" and I walked right on out the door.
Octavia and I haven't said a word to each other since.
***
The chicken sat almost entirely untouched on their plates as Vinyl finished. Soft strings accompanying Carol of the Bells was the only thing to break the silence, as Lemon Zest just peered into Vinyl's face. She could see tears trailing down her cheeks, though their source was still hidden behind those rose-colored glasses. Vinyl Scratch's eyes darted over for the first time since her story began, staring back into her gaze.
"That's the whole truth." Vinyl leaned forward slowly, clasping her hands in front of her. "I punched her in the face as hard as I could because she yelled at me. I'm not making any excuses for it, and Goddess knows I don't think it was justified. It took me months to get over it and get my mojo back. I think I was actually depressed for a while." She took a deep breath and pulled her glasses off with one hand, wiping at her tears with the other. "So what do you think, Lemon? Do you want to walk? Are we through?"
Lemon Zest didn't know how to respond. She felt terrified... not of Vinyl in particular, but of the whole thing. Spending months hating your girlfriend was something she could barely imagine. It sounded impossible... surely she would notice it happening, but Vinyl was no idiot. She was a genius who built her own musical equipment. If even she could fall into such a trap, perhaps Lemon Zest could too. She could be caught up in her own spiral of screaming someday... caught up with Vinyl, driving her slowly insane until she snapped.
But she didn't feel any pressure yet. She loved every moment she spent with Vinyl, and they may not have agreed on every little thing up to now, but she didn't feel any animosity from her. There were no screaming matches she could remember yet. Was she willing to throw this away out of fear it might go bad months down the line?
Lemon Zest scooted closer across the couch and slid both of her arms around Vinyl's neck, pulling her into a gentle hug. "I don't want to leave you, Vinyl. Let's just agree that if we start feeling like that, we'll call it quits. No hard feelings, no fighting, we can just walk away as friends."
Vinyl rested one hand on her bicep, closing her eyes and leaning her cheek into Lemon's chest. "Yeah, trust me... I don't plan on going through that again."
"Have you really not spoken to her at all? You didn't apologize?"
Vinyl huffed derisively. "Some things can't be taken back. That... I think that's definitely one of them."
"That doesn't mean you can't try." Lemon Zest pulled back, bringing a hand off of Vinyl's shoulder to wipe the last tear from her cheek with her thumb. "Maybe it'll help you put it behind you completely..."
Vinyl stared at her blankly for a moment with bloodshot eyes, then pulled her glasses up and slid them into place on her nose. "Alright... I guess it can't hurt to give it a shot, at least."
Lemon smiled warmly and kissed her cheek. "And I'll be right there with you. I promise."
***
It was a bitter cold wind that blew out from the city into the suburbs below, sending light snowflakes crashing into everything on their kamikaze journey. The moon was peeking out through slits in the cloud cover overhead, joining the bright street lamps to light up the small park, normally grassy but now blanketed in a sheet of white except for the paved sidewalk that wound a circular pattern within it.
Vinyl Scratch's snow boots pounded into the pavement as she walked, feeling Lemon Zest clinging to her arm in a warm, comforting embrace. She couldn't believe Octavia had even agreed to meet her here. But then it was entirely possible she wouldn't show up. Vinyl wouldn't blame her... and if that happened, she would just leave her alone. They had both gone through enough, there was no reason to drag this out.
That didn't come to pass, however. She spotted Octavia just a little further down the path, sitting on one of the benches and holding her thick jacket tightly around herself against the snow. Vinyl cast a sidelong glance at Lemon, who released her arm, but didn't move away from her. There was a warm encouraging smile on her lips that seemed to give Vinyl the extra courage she would need for this.
Vinyl inhaled deeply and let her foggy breath out as she resumed her trek toward the bench. She wasn't far from it when Octavia noticed her, but aside from watching her walk, didn't react. There was already an empty seat on the bench beside her, so Vinyl took it without a word. They sat together for longer than was comfortable, watching the snow fall and build up the snowbank ever so slightly higher.
Octavia finally broke the silence. "I was... surprised when you called."
"I bet..." Vinyl looked down. "Tavi, I don't wanna drag this out. I just wanted to say I'm sorry."
"What?" Octavia gave her a surprised look.
"I'm sorry." Vinyl shook her head. "I know it's stupid and doesn't help fix anything but... I just wanted to say it."
"I see..." Octavia trailed off into silence.
When Octavia said nothing more, Vinyl reached into her jacket and pulled a present wrapped in red paper from her pocket, passing it sideways to her. "This is pointless too... but it is close to Hearth's Warming, and I thought I'd get you something."
"Vinyl..." Octavia just stared down at the present.
"I'm not asking for you back. I'm totally into Lemon Zest, and honestly, I think I'd rather choke to death than go through any of that again." Vinyl set the package down on Octavia's knees before climbing to her feet. "I know we can't be friends or anything again either. I guess the last thing I wanted to say is... you know, take care of yourself. You deserve some chick who's into the same things you're into, who'll be happy to give you everything you want. I know it's done wonders for me."
When Octavia said nothing more, Vinyl glanced down at her and gave a small wave. "Happy Hearth's Warming, Tavi." She turned away from the bench to walk back towards Lemon Zest, who was still waiting just outside one of the street lamp beams.
She was almost there when she heard Octavia raise her voice behind her, sounding oddly choked up. "V-Vinyl!"
Vinyl looked back over her shoulder concernedly to see that Octavia had risen to her feet, clutching the package to her stomach. "Yeah?"
Octavia took a deep breath and let it out with her breathy words, "thank you."
Vinyl just smiled, happy once again that her glasses hid her eyes as she waved one more time, then marched back to Lemon Zest, who took her arm once again and fell into step beside her without pause. She hadn't been sure about coming out here to meet Octavia... but she had to admit, Lemon Zest had certainly pointed her in the right direction. They were just that in tune with one-another. Maybe that was what she and Octavia had been missing all along...