//------------------------------// // Entry XII: Old Friends, by Siftstone // Story: Kildeez and Sifty's Shameless Self-Insert Adventures in Equestria! // by kildeez //------------------------------// The icy air stung at my lungs as I hefted my chainsword onto one shoulder. I'd been moving towards that goddamned castle for a couple of days now, and I haven't encountered a single baddy to let out my aggression. My war boner was aching, but there was nothing to put stuff into. My Witcher's endurance allowed me to keep moving without stopping or eating. ...Fuck, now I'm hungry. Just had to start sizing up the situation, didn't I? With a roll of my eyes, I groped at my belt and pulled a small vial off of it, filled with a bubbling white substance. A potion to suppress my body's hungers for a good few hours. Hunting during this time of war was a pain in the ass, what with the Darkspawn already having slaughtered most of the natural wildlife, and anything left over being little more than ghouls and Nightmares. Popping the cork and downing the decoction, I whinced, the heavy taste of alcohol burning my throat on the way down. Taking a knee, I slammed my chainsword into the ground to steady myself as the potion worked it's literal magic. After a second's pass, I was growling back to my feet. I needed to find my partner. Who the hell knows what that halfbreed is getting up to, now? Probably rolling about the fields in the form of a shoggoth, tentacle-touching everything that moves. Nah, probably not that powerful. Probably. Up ahead, the forest began to noticeably thin out, and I realized I was entering into a field, still unravaged by the Darkspawn's incursion. As I stepped through the foliage and into the corrupted sunlight, my foot hit a rock and I tripped, rolling down... And down... And down... ...Into what seemed to be a small valley. After checking my equipment and cursing my own idiocy and lack of sure footing, I scanned the area in which I was sitting in. I seemed to be in what was once a graveyard, in the shape of a horseshoe. There were skeletal remains every which way, and every tombstone seemed haphazardly pulled back into place. As if someone cruelly ripped those restful souls from the earth to fight a battle. There was what seemed to be a long-collapsed sinkhole, hastily dug by several personalities. Crutching myself back to my feet with my chainsword, I scanned the immediate area, and noticed a set of footsteps in the soft earth- I recognized the soles within as the same tacky brand of shoes that my partner wore. Of all the things that son of a bitch could wear on his feet, it had to be Jordans? Who the hell fights wearing Jordans?! A low groan pierces the silence of the former resting place, and I quickly swing my blade onto my shoulder with a two-handed grip, adrenaline beginning to surge. Cresting the hill was a familiar face- one I haven't seen for half a year. Six hooved legs, piercing, glowing, green eyes, blades as long as I am tall flailing about on it's back- a Hive Guardian. Galloping towards me, bellowing like an enraged whale. It's empty eyes still bore a hatred for the prime enemy of it's race, yours truly. With a wicked grin, I began a heavy charge, rivaling the ferocity of the beast I faced. Despite the roaring of my nuclear blade, the Guardian didn't halt it's charge, merely lowering it's head even more and hitting the dry ground hard enough to leave cracking hoofprints. Just before we collided in a flurry of blades and sparks, I stopped to a halt, that same shit-eating grin plastered to my face, and thrust out my hand- a wave of force suddenly jutting outward and slapping the Guardian square in the face, causing it to trip over it's own extra legs and slam face-first into the earth, sliding the rest of the way towards me. I simply moved out of the way and took stance with my sword several feet away while the Nightmare got back to it's feet, hot air hissing out of the gills in it's neck. There was so much hate in it's eyes, a fury borne from the hive mind, knowledge of how many of it's kind have fallen to my mighty boot. Rearing back like a true horse and letting out another grim wail, it charged forward again- I responded, of course, by thrusting my hand out, a surge of fire erupting from my palm and bathing the Guardian in magical pain. The beast took a step back, shaking it's head before locking eyes again, an almost uncertain look about it. I knew what it was thinking. It knew I was simply showing off. I had changed so much since it's kind had last seen me. The human, unremarkable save for his combat skill, now capable of mastering force and flame. Either that, or it was wondering why I tried to set a fireproof beast on fire. Hive Guardians sweat a certain slime that makes them virtually immune to fire; a must for any Guardian trying to pull it's brethren from a burning hive. The Guardian, slowing it's ferocity, clashed it's backblades together and scraped a hoof through the dirt like a bull ready to charge. I hefted my chainsword onto my back once more, supporting it with one hand while my free fingers formed the letter "Q" in sign language. With another misty exhale of heated air from it's neck ports, the beast charged, aiming both of it's backblades square for my face. Before it could make mincemeat of my gorgeous visage, I cast my hand upward, bathing myself in a blue light, which immediately absorbed the force of the Guardian's attack and tossed the creature's arms back with enough force to throw the Guardian off it's feet again. Putting my sword back in stance and staring evilly into the eyes of the Guardian, still collapsed on the ground, I took a step forward. For once, the beast flinched. A low growl poured from my throat, but before anything could happen, the Guardian scrambled to it's feet- and galloped off in the direction it came from. It had abandoned it's purpose in life. It was no longer a sentinel, a guardian of the Nightmare homes- now it was little more than a six-legged warning. It was going to tell it's brethren that the Champion was still alive, and that the very same young man who tore through their ranks for so long was back with a whole sleeve of tricks. "Consider that a demo, ya' bastard!" Now, to find that fucking Changeling friend of mine. As I calmed down from the heat of that little sparring match, I sat down on an above-ground tomb, my equipment clinking gently in the breeze of the valley. I began to take note of a more aggressive metallic noise. Looking down slightly, I realized the noise was my medallion. The adrenaline from the fight kept me from feeling the gentle tug on it's chain around my neck. Sighing, I hefted my chainsword into the oversized sheath on my back, nestling in snuggly between my Witcher's silver sword and my steel longsword. I brought a hand low to the tomb, and my medallion tugged harder. There was magic left over in this tomb. Perhaps one of the corpses who fought here had something left to say? Hefting the heavy stone lid off of the tomb, I revealed to myself the skeletal remains of a pony; stallion or mare, I couldn't say. As soon as the blotted sunlight touched it's hollow eyes, the skull turned to look at me, and I swear the eyeholes seemed to develop an... angry look. "Oi! I'm trying to catch some shut-eye, here, jerk!" "Great, wonderful. That information moistens the cockles of my pingas. Do me a favor, real quick, pal, then I'll let ya' go." "Go stuff yourself, human!" "Listen, I just want you to tell me if you saw a fleshy person like myself around here recently." "Eat me! Or, better yet, let me eat you!" "Oh, for fuck's sake, I don't have time for this!" Sweeping my hand in front of the skeleton's face, I made the letters "A", "X" and "I" in sign language, very quickly. A light briefly flashed and faded in the skeleton's eyes, and it seemed mildly stunned. Then, it spoke again. "...Changeling princess raised us from the dead to fight some freak, human-changeling with a fancy musket came and helped her. They both marched off towards Canterlot a couple of weeks back. Head straight for the mountains, last I saw." With an indignant sniff, I closed the tomb's heavy lid back on the skeleton, my hex serving it's purpose. At least Kildeez kept to the mission, even if he found himself something to rub his fleshparts on. Does he even have natural fleshparts? Or does he just morph his willy to what he feels best? Can he even morph his dick? Why am I considering any of this? With a shake of my head, I kept my march forward, starting to sing to myself. "Wolves asleep amidst the trees, Bats all a-swayin' in the breeze, But one soul lies anxious, wide awake, Fearing all manner of ghouls, hags, and wraiths..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The sun was low, and my stamina was running out. Even a Witcher needs sleep. Unbuckling my gear, I chose a tree deep in the forest, and rested my swords and knapsack against it. I drew several hourglass shapes around the tree where I would be sleeping, simply dragging them into the dirt with my fingers. Each shape glowed with a dim white light extremely briefly as soon as I finished them, and I carved one shape into the tree itself. Always handy. Flipping my hood upward and tucking my hands into my coat pockets, I got into a relatively comfortable position against the tree. Humming a tune in my head, I lulled myself to sleep. -- Clink clink clink clink Odd. Usually I don't dream about spoons. Clink clink clink clink Or forks, for that matter. Clink clink clink clink Oh, for fuck's sake. Drifting awake, I shot a hand to my chest, stopping my medallion from tugging on it's chain. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I groggily got into a seated position, my glowing eyes taking in the blackness of the forest. Taking a stance, I pulled my silver sword from its sheath, gripping its black-leather handle tight. There was a twinkle in the distance, between the brush. The twinkle was a light violet in color, almost seeming to concentrate into a point. Then, it shot forth in a blast of energy. "Fuck." With barely enough time to do so, I dropped my sword and crossed my wrists in front of my face, the blast of magic hitting me hard a moment later. Though my Sign absorbed most of the energy, there was still enough power to toss me back, and I rolled backwards on landing, grinding to a stop and pulling my skinning knife off my belt, keeping a low stance. Another twinkle- before the blast wave was emitted, I rolled left, covering behind the tree I was resting against, and as I did so, the blast passed by and collided with another tree, splintering it. "Whatever's there, you better not come closer! I know magic, and I'm not afraid to use it!" I recognized that voice. Before I could react, another magical blast flew by, collapsing another tree to my left. Steadying my breath and tightening the grip on my knife, I tucked up against the tree. I just barely stuck my knife out from my cover, enough to catch the light being emitted from my assailant. She was coming closer. "I must have scared it off... It must have been looking at this gear. I wonder whose swords these are? I can detect magic in this bag..." Oh, you idiot. Don't get any closer, you curious little- Before anything else could happen, there was a loud zap, and one of my Yrden traps went off, shocking the everlasting piss out of my investigator. There was a comical stuttering noise as she flew back, and the sound of wings fluttering before a loud thud. I stepped from behind cover, casting a shielding sign just in case my investigator decided to try blasting my balls off again. In the darkness of the forest, the little purple mare's horn was still glowing brightly, illuminating her path- and her eventual landing on her face, after getting a little too close to one of my Signs. Lifting her face from the ground, crossed eyes jumbling cartoonishly in her head, ruffled wings beating slightly, was Twilight Sparkle. Her purple eyes locked onto me after a second, and a look of fear, confusion and shock immediately overtook her. Scrambling to her hooves, horn charging up, her confusion was immediately taken over by defensive anger. "W-what are you? Don't come any closer!" "That's no way to treat the man who saved your sorry little ass more times than you can probably count." "That... that voice..." Twilight's horn lost it's defensive charge, and her wings folded against her back. She stared at me in equal parts concern and confusion. "That voice is so... familiar..." "You silly fucking horse. Still having trouble thinking up the name that kept you and your friends alive for such a long time. That's just goddamned disrespectful." With a sigh, I dismissed the pony, turning my back to her and sheathing my knife. Brushing the dirt off my shoulder and reequipping my armor and weapons, I stretched. As I turned around to regard the pony, I found that she had taken a few steps forward, her confusion fully giving way to intrigue. "Sifty...?" "Aye, took you long enough." "Sifty!" She squealed, pouncing forward and burying her face in my stomach. There was moisture sinking through my chainmail. Before she could snot up my gear, she pulled back. "Where have you been?! You just outright disappeared and Celestia simply refused to tell me anything!" "I didn't 'disappear', girl. I left. You didn't need me anymore. Nobody in this sorry world did. I didn't want to stagnate, unused, unseen, apparently unworthy of the attentions of those I once called friends. I was abandoned, and I moved on. Two months. Two fucking months, not one of you even came by to say hello!" "But-" "No buts. It's just... whatever. I'm not mad. Nice to see you again, but I have to go. Duty calls." As I pushed the pony away and began on my path, there was a light sob. It halted me in my tracks. "I'm sorry." "...What was that?" "I'M SORRY!" The mare half-sobbed, half-screamed. Turning once again, I found Twilight with her head buried in her forelegs, pathetically crying to herself. "We should have payed attention! But so much had changed! There were so many things to do, so many ponies that wanted attention! We were all worked to the bone, forgetful, and we lost track of the things that were most important to us! This is all our fault! We did this!" "Christ. Relax." I knelt down beside the horse, putting a hand on her head. She didn't pull away. "Yeah, you were all a gaggle of fucking idiots for forgetting about someone who thought you were his family, but none of this crazy bullshit could possibly have been predicted. I screwed the pooch by leaving, Celestia drilled it further by causing a goddamn tear in the veil, and everything collapsed from there on out." I stood back up, unsheathing my Witcher's sword. "Bury it, girly. It's in the past, now. Look at me." I raised my sword, and it reflected the moonlight. "Yes, the current situation is quite a fancy kind of FUBAR. But there's hope, still. Look upon my blade, and you will see three feet of gleaming silver. But this sword, it's more than that. It's more than shiny metal and steel and cowhide. This sword represents... hope. The fact that there is still someone to hold this blade, to raise it high, it means this war is not over. There's still a chance for the good to come back to this world, a chance for things to be alright again. There's still a chance for everybody to be happy." Sheathing the blade, I looked down at the pony, and smiled. "Champion's back, horsie. And I'm gonna make sure every single baddie on this planet knows why I earned that title. Now quit your crying." "So... you're... you're not upset?" Twilight sniffled, stepping back to her feet. "No, dumbass. I forgive you. Now, tell me. What are you doing in these woods?" Apparently, the Elements of Harmony were all given different tasks to carry out. Ponyville was still a major priority, and had no time to evacuate when the shit hit the fan. The lack of a Champion left it open to attack, and the Nightmares came back in full force- and they packed a weapon. A special kind of Nightmare was bred. Symbols carved into their flesh negated all forms of unicorn magic retaliation. Twilight was incapable of protecting the town- but Zecora, the zebra, was. In the darkest hour, the zebra used a special alchemical mixture to cast an odor barrier, a scent that normals couldn't pick up, but Nightmares were absolutely repelled by. But Zecora needed herbs to keep this barrier up, and she had to remain in town to mix the pot. So, Twilight, having both powerful magic and wings, was sent into the Everfree Forest daily to gather the necessary ingredients. Impressive. However, this constant duty meant that Twilight never had time to catch up with the rest of the Elements, and she didn't know their whereabouts. "Well, that's all I can really tell you, Sifty. I'm... I'm so glad you're back. We can finally fight back, instead of just cowering in our homes night after night, hoping the Nightmares don't adapt... But, Sifty? What in Celestia's name happened to you? I'm detecting so much magic coming off of you, your eyes, my magic doesn't even detect that you're human anymore..." Oh, god, this is going to be a long story. I hope I can find that son-of-a-bitching halfbreed soon...