If The Emperor was in Equestria

by Reiuji Laevateinn

Chapter Seven: Orks

***Tom in the middle of the Everfree.***

“Orks, orks, orks, orks, orks.” I sing to myself as I’m walking around the forest looking for something to eat. I was about to go down this interesting looking cave when I saw a portal open up right under my feet. Wait, Oh HELL!

Meanwhile, in another universe…

   “So, instead of sending her ass back to the moon, you ‘purified’ her? Damn peace loving ponies. I hope one day your species meets another one that can't be solved by your stupid Elements, and can finally teach you that friendship is not always the answer to your problems.” The Emperor said, and Twilight huffed.

   “Well, when that day arrives, we'll  be ready for it. And we will teach that species the power of friendship, just you watch!” She replied, before a portal popped into existence.

“WAAAAAAAAAAHG!?” Yelled a something loud as it slammed into the stone floor. “Ow… I think I broke me asses…” Said a large Ork as he slowly get back on to his feet.

  “Ah, universal judgment.  I love  you sometimes. You sent me an Ork to teach these stupid equines a lesson? Brilliant as always.” The Emperor said cheerfully. The Ork just looked at him dumbly as it tried to understand where he was.

“Okay… Talking Horse is one thing, but being sent to the bloody Emperor. Now that just taking the meek.” Said the Ork as he tried to clean himself off.

  “A slightly self conscious Ork that doesn't  immediately attack the first living thing it see’s? I've seen everything now.” The Emperor said.

“Oi, sod off you git! I was human thak ya very much. But seeing as I’m stuck here mind telling me what going on?” Asked the Ork as he looks around.

   “Ah, that explains it. Well, I was just telling this one that not everything can be stopped with friendship and rainbows, and that someday a species that is resistant will murder them all, and now you're here.” The Emperor explained.

“Oh, them ya I’ve had an run in with them lot. And dat one.” He said as he points his power kalw at Twilight. “Yoo have any idea wat it like to run all over the forest just to get attack by yoo lot, it a pain in the asses dat wat it iz!”  

  She stared at the Ork in confusion and terror.  “Um, what? I don't know who you are….” She said, slightly dazed.

“Oh now yooz want ta know? well I’ll tell ya! I’m an Ork, my name is Tom and yooz all piss me off!” Tom yelled before slamming his power kalw into the floor. “Allz I want iz ta be left alone but nooooo! I’m, big and scary, that must mean I’m evil well SOD Yooz ya soft skined grot herders!”  

  “Couldn't  have said it better. If I wasn't in this DAMN throne, they would probably be cowering in fear at me. And then I'd  either brainwash the masses into thinking that they are weak, or I'd  kill them all.” The Emperor chuckled. Somehow.

Tom now took the time to really look at the Emperor. “Wait, are yooz. Sorry you are not the real Emperor are you?” He asked looking at the man that was nothing but bones on the throne.

  “Of course I am, and I've  been able to talk the whole time, just didn't choose to. Of course I'm not him.  I was a human like you, then got sent to here as the Emperor. With the personality of ‘If the Emperor had a text to speech device’. Though, really. Can you blame me?” The Emperor scoffed.

“Oh! I love dat show.” Said Tom with a big smile showing off all his fangs and tusks.

  “Yeah, well at least you aren't the one sitting on this damn throne. Trust me, if you had been in my place, you would have wanted off this damn thing from the first second.” The Emperor replied snarkily.

“Hmmmm.” Tom hummed as he walks around the throne. “You know I used to be a mechanic before being sent to all this crazy stuff. Maybe I can work something out so you can move at least.” Said Tom as he poked a cable.

   “As long as you don't  put me in that stupid baby carrier, I'll be fine.” The Emperor said, so, how making everyone look to where the dreadknight  sat.

“Okay father I’m back and just so you know I am not going to deal with these-” Magnus stopped what he was about to say once he saw the ork nob in the room.

  “Magnus, do NOT, under any circumstances, attack this ork. He was a human, the poor soul. He's  like me. If you attack him, I will slap you until your face is redder than the sun.” The Emperor warned.

“BAHAHAHAHA! Look at yooz! Yoo look like a horsey!” Tom said as the ork rolled about on the floor laughing.

   “Why you pathetic little- HOW DARE YOU MOCK ME!!” Magnus roared, energies crackling around him, before getting hit in the face by a phantom fist.

“Oh no I made da little horsey mad, here, here have a carrot!” Said Tom as his Power klaw rested on his gut as he laughed again.

  “Tom, I wouldn't  if I were you. That is the Actual  Magnus from the Text to speech device series.” The Emperor warned.

“Wat? you’re kidding… Right?” Asked Tom as he looks between them. “Oh Zog me…”

   “Nope. He found me after following a power source that looked like the Emperor's  to here, and used up most of his energy in the process of breaking universe law.” The Emperor replied.

“Wait, so does that mean that the Tyranids mite show up here one day to?” Asked Tom with a little worry in his voice as he looks around the room for an exit.

   “I wouldn't worry about it. It's  a long way to and from  that universe to this one. Plus, this area of the multiverse has powerful protectors. I barely even managed to slip past them.” Magnus replied.

“Like what?” Asked Tom as he saw the main doors to the throne room open.

   “It's  about time you managed to get past that spell, Celestia. Do not attack the green guy or I will place another lock on this room, more powerful as well.” The Emperor said. That when a strange music start playing as three ponies land into the room with helmets on and silk around there bodys.

“My Emperor it took us years to find you but do not worry for we are here!” Said one of the three ponies Custodes.

  “......Oh dear Me not this mental torture again.” The Emperor groaned.

“Oh Zog the horror…” Said Tom as he covers his eyes with his hand. “I can’t look it just… To much. Wait why the purple horse blushing?”

   “Because this is pretty much like the Custodes from my universe.” Magnus said, groaning. Meanwhile Twilight was busy trying to control her wings.

“Soooo, da Twats?” Asked Tom as the three Custodes do back flips and land in front of the Emperor’s  throne.

   “How the hell did you three get past the barrier?” The Emperor practically groaned.

“Oh you mean those cute little kittens we walked past on the way here? oh that was easy. We asked them to open the barrier for us.” Said the Custodes who looked like he had frying pans on his chest.

   “Fucking incompetent equines. Can't  do their jobs right. I specifically  said NO ONE WAS ALLOWED IN.” The Emperor grated.

“Well we did say it was our job to take care of you my mighty liege. Why what would happen if we weren't here to clean your glorious form.”

   “I get the feeling these three need to get lady, badly.” Said Tom giving the Custodes a deadpan stare.

  “I don't need you to clean my bones! I don't need anybody to take care of me!” The Emperor groaned.

“Ha! that what she said!” Yells Tom with a laugh.

   “Quiet you.” The Emperor chided.

Tom rolled his eyes and then noticed all the weapons and power armour in the back. “Cool… I call dibs!” He said as he ran to the pile of weapons.  

   “I am surprised that they haven't noticed the Ork yet…” Magnus said.

“Oh we have but we still will follow the Emperor's orders even if we want to kill the xeno that dare to walk these holy halls with it’s FILTHY feet.”
“I found a Maltagun!” Yelled Tom in joy. “Wounder if it still works?” That when everyone heard a loud vooom and the Ork screaming as he ran around the room and on fire. “MY ASS IS FLAMING!”  

“Oh my.” Said one of the Custodes almost sounding like they was enjoying this.

   “I am going to go blind at this rate.” The Emperor grumbled. “That's  it! Everyone who is not invited and or once a human is to be removed!” The Emperor glowed, before releasing a shockwave that blasted the Custodes out. The door slammed shut behind them, a glowing barrier forming around the doors.

“Was that really necessary? I’m sure they would have left if you just order them to.” Said Magnus as he helped to put the ork out by shooting warp magic at him.

   “I have. Ten times.  They kept insisting, so I decided to put a barrier. I'm now considering having Celestia put a restraining order on them.” The Emperor sighed.

“Okay… note to self. When ya find a new gun point it away from myself.” Said Tom as he get up. “Oh that reminds me want ta see something cool?” Tom then reached into some kind of backpack that was on his back and start to pull out a large purple camo.

“That it? purple camo… just what in the warp is that going to do?” Asked Magnus sounding annoyed at the orks antics.  

“Just watch.” Said Tom and as soon as he put it on, he disappeared.

   “Ork tech never ceases to confuse me.” The Emperor sighed.

   “WHAT? but that, it’s! HOW IN THE WARP DID HE DO THAT!” Screams Magnus.

   “Ork’s  think that if it's  purple, it's  more stealthy. At least, that's  what the Emperor told me.” Twilight said.

“And since we’re in a world full of warp magic it most likely that anything a ork believes in will be boosted by the over amount of warp energy around it… Well let just hope we don’t get a ork waagh on this planet.” Explains Magnus as he rubs his face.

“Ta da!” Said Tom as he show up with all kinds of loot most of it being cake.

   “Celly’s  gonna be mad….” The Emperor said, chuckling.

“She can stuff it, I haven’t had cake in weeks.” Said Tom as he started to eat the cakes.

   “Indeed she can. Fat princess.” Magnus replied.

“At least she stays in the castle not like that blue one who after me.” Said Tom as he licks icing off his fingers.

  “Luna?” Twilight asked.

“Ya she won’t leave me alone! I don’t even know why she keeps going after me.” The Ork complains as he pulled out what looks like a gameboy from his loot. “Cool.”  

   “Yeah, she is a bit ‘Chivalry’ like.” Twilight winced.

“Not only dat but she try to kiss me once.” Said Tom as he looks at his loot. “Come to think of it, I’ve had odd dreams of her too…”

  “That's  a bit too much information. And she is a dream walker. She can move around your dreams.” Magnus said, holding his hand up.

Tom looks at Magnus with large eyes. “Yooz mean…. She can go in me head when I dream? Oh Zog me…” Tom said as he covers his face and dumps his head into his bag of loot.

    “Yes, she can. Try putting up Psychic wards around your head, or mental barriers.” Magnes offered.
“Well how’z I sapost ta do dat?” Said Tom but then think about that. “Never mind I’m an ork I’ll think of something.”

   Magnus shuddered. “I don't even want  to think on what you are gonna think up.”

Tom grinned at Magnus. “I could tell ya.” The ork then start walking up to Magnus with a smile.

   “No thanks.” He replied, backing up. As the ork was getting closer.

“It won’t hurt one bit.” Said Tom as he pulled out what looked like a egg whisk mixed with a toaster. “Maybe a little.”

   “What the hell is that?!” Magnus said, erecting a force field around himself.

“Dat good keep doing dat!” Laughs Tom as he get closer with his egg whisk.

   “Stay away from me, Ork!” Magnus said, accidentally  transforming into his human form for a moment.

That when everyone heard a ding and the toaster popped out a glowing cd. “Ha! thanks mate that was really good.” Said time as he pulled the cd out and looked at it.

    “You...absolute Bastard….” Magnus said, breathing a sigh of relief.

   “You cheeky Dickwaffle!” The Emperor laughed. “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”

“Wat? did ya think I was going to stick this up yoor bum or something?” Asked Tom as he looks at them.

   “Well, yes.” Magnus said.

Tom then laughs as he try to keep from falling over. “HAHAHA! Okay, no you see I made this to stop and store magic and it get suck up into the toster by the whisk and get stored in these cds. Still working out how to use them but still.” Said Tom as he pulled out a marker and start to write on it. He then removed his helmet and put the cd in it on top of other cd’s then put it back on his head.

“Dar! now she can’t get in me head any more.” Said Tom with a big smile. “Now how do I get back home?” He asked looking around the room.

  “Probably like this” The Emperor said, before a portal opened up underneath Tom, and he fell through.

“Yoo DICK!” Yelled the Tom as he fill down the portal.

   “I'm the mother fucking Emperor. I do whatever the fuck I want.” The Emperor shot back before the portal closed.

“Well that was, new… Wait how do you know you sent him back to the right world?” Asked Magnus as he looks at where the displaced Ork used to be.

   “Because Ork smell can be detected even across universes. Plus, he left a trail.” The Emperor replied.

“What do you mean by… Trail?” Asked Twilight in a worrying tone.

  “That is for me to know and for you to never find out. You'd first have to learn how to cross the Multiverse.” Was the reply. “Without evaporating.”

“As interesting as this is father, I have to ask. You do have a plan in case the ork left some spores behind right? the last thing we need is a ork Waaagh! Spawning in your throne room.” Said Magnus as he looked around.

   “Why do you think I set the floor on fire? With invisible, non equine hurting fire.” The Emperor replied. That when everyone heard a high pitched scream as a small goblin like thing ran across the room.

“Please no kicking!” Screamed the Grot as it ran behind the throne to hide.

   The Emperor sighed. “What the fuck. How the hell did this little guy survive? You know what, fuck it.” A portal opened. “Tom! Here's your kid!” The Emperor said as the Grot fell through the portal.

“Wait, didn’t that Ork say he looted the cake from somewhere? won’t that mean there are ork spores all over the castle by now?” Asked Magnus.

   It was then that a roar was heard. “EMPEROR!!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE THINGS?!” Celestia's voice called out, with sounds of fire and splattering blood echoed throughout the hall.

   “Just burn them, Celly! They won't respawn!” The Emperor called back. “Now, what were we doing before Tom showed up?”

  Just then Luna came into the room with a grot in her magic grinning from ear to ear. “What are these adorable little things there just so cute!” Asked luna as she hugs the little yellow grot that was trying to get away from the moon princess.  

   “They are called Grots. If you can round up the rest of the little things before Celestia burns them to a crisp, you can keep them.” The Emperor told Luna.

“Challenge accepted!” Called out Luna as she flew off with the poor grot, who was screaming in fear.

“...You know, I’m not even going to ask HOW she got in here let alone how she can think anything from a Ork can be seen as… cute.” Said Magnus as he rubbed his eye.

    “Ponies are weird like that. Best not to think about it.” The Emperor commented.

“Oh well, best we can hope for is that she somehow realizes that seeing the grots as pets is a bad idea. Or she somehow finds a way to control them… Either way it could be fun to find out.” Said Magnus.

   “Ponies don't learn. They always preach about their ‘Love and Tolerance’ Bullshit. Anyways, she will probably tame them.” The Emperor replied.

“I think we should all take a break maybe have some tea.” Said Twilight as she started to leave.

   “Sure. Except I can't drink. Ah well, I'll see you when you get back.” As soon as the door opens they heard the madness that is the grots running everywhere and Luna trying to chase them as Celestia was trying to stop them.  

   “Such a sweet sound.” The Emperor sighed as he heard it.