Jerry wasn’t sure he could ever get used to morning in Equestria. It started out normally enough, with the sky to the east gradually brightening and the color slowly returning to the background as the shadows faded away. But there was a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment where, just before it crested, the sun suddenly seemed to pick up speed, almost as if someone gave it a good shove from behind in order to get the day going a little faster.
Back on Earth, most people treated the idea of the Equestrian princesses controlling their sun and moon as if it were an obvious fiction, a fantasy deliberately instilled in the populace, most likely by the Princesses themselves, in order to create a sense of awe and loyalty towards the throne.
As Jerry walked through the largely empty early-morning streets of Ponyville while the sun sped its way up over the horizon, he found himself doubting that conclusion.
It messed with his head. Fortunately, there was a treatment for that: Coffee, and lots of it.
The night before had been fairly… well, ‘interesting’ was a word that could be used, though Jerry thought it was something of an understatement. It had been such a normal day, at least as far as ‘normal’ could be when working in a village full of sapient ponies. The solar panel team had barely a half day of work remaining before their project was completed. The wiring in Erin’s house was largely done, pending a final check and approval by Sparky, Ponyville’s assigned electrician.
With the last of the Wi-Fi access points scheduled to be completed that day and Cody nearly finished with the configuration of the Wi-Fi equipment, it looked like they would be completely wrapped up by the end of the day on Saturday, a full day before their deadline. Jerry, in spite of being pestered most of Thursday afternoon by an inquisitive filly and a tagalong unicorn trainee, had been more than pleased by the progress both teams had made, and had settled down for a little light reading before bed.
His book, an old Louis L’Amour Western, had been interrupted when an uncharacteristically disheveled Tandy had run through the hallways and out of the building shouting something about “paparazzi ponies” and “tiny menaces”. Roughly a half-hour after that, Erika and Michelle had gotten into a screaming match and physical scuffle over a bag, which would have been shocking enough on its own—he couldn’t remember ever hearing Erika raise her voice, let alone get into an actual wrestling match with anyone—but the contents of the bag, and the potential millions that it was worth, was a whole ‘nother mess on its own.
It was with a smug sense of satisfaction that Jerry had realized that he could pass along that particular looming disaster once they returned home. The Department of Equestrian Affairs could handle what to do with those magazines with their pictures of the elusive Fluttershy, which were currently locked securely in Jerry’s luggage.
The cherry on top of everything was when Tony had stumbled back into the shared room just before midnight, smelling of alcohol and slurring his speech. Jerry wasn’t sure if he had found a bar in Ponyville, or if he had somehow smuggled in his own drinks, but it was something to be concerned about. Tony’s record for bad decisions while drinking were legendary. Three years ago, after Jerry had bailed him out of jail in Costa Rica, he had been a hair’s-breadth away from dropping Tony from the team. Tony had gotten two things from that night: A warning that his next screw-up would be his last, and an embarrassingly-placed tattoo of a dachshund.
The sun had returned to a more sensible pace by the time he reached Sugarcube Corner. It had taken him until his second day in Ponyville to learn that the bakery was open well before dawn, the smell of freshly-baking bread and pastries drawing him in from halfway across town. He pulled the door open and walked inside, the bell above the door jingling away to announce his presence.
Jerry waited patiently for a minute, and eventually a yellow stallion poked his orange-maned head out from the kitchen area.
“Oh, good morning, Jerry!” The stallion stepped up behind the counter wearing his now-familiar flour-crusted apron. “Your usual, again?”
“You got it, Mister Cake,” Jerry replied, then had to smother a yawn behind his hand. “Largest you’ve got.”
Mr. Cake nodded sympathetically as he turned towards the pot. “Sure thing. Long night?”
“You could say that again,” Jerry said, watching with intense interest as the pony not only managed to pull out a large ceramic cup with nothing but hooves, but also poured the coffee by taking the pot’s handle in his teeth. Even after watching the same routine over the last few days, Jerry wasn’t completely sure how the stallion managed it.
Carrot Cake put the cup down, and Jerry passed over a few bits. “Milk and sugar are on the counter, as usual,” he said with a bright smile that seemed a little out of place so early in the morning.
“Thanks kindly, Mister Cake.”
Carrot gave him a nod and a wave before heading into the kitchen once again. Jerry doctored his coffee to his own taste and took a sip. Ponyville coffee tasted strange, at least compared to what he was used to. Granted, what he usually got was gas station coffee, which typically ranged from bad to terrible. But there was something in this coffee was rich and complex, with an aftertaste almost like cinnamon. It was an interesting flavor, for certain.
He took a seat at one of Sugarcube Corner’s tables and consulted his tablet, pulling up his to-do list while taking a cautious sip of his scaldingly-hot coffee. He made some adjustments to the timetable for the project to account for each team’s current status and gave a satisfied nod at the results. If things kept up like this, they would have a good chunk of Saturday and the early morning of Sunday to just hang around and see the sights.
Except for last night, everything was going much more smoothly than he’d expected. Jerry took another sip of his coffee, not feeling particularly comforted by that fact. In his experience, it was when things were going smoothly that it was time to hunker down and wait for things to start blowing up.
~~*~~
Rob Murphy was having a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that he was bored. Completely and inexplicably bored. Here he was, on another world and surrounded by these strange little pony-like creatures, and he felt a growing restlessness for something exciting to happen.
The little pastel town had seemed almost ridiculously nice when he’d first arrived with the others, the natives curious but polite enough. But after almost a full week here, it was starting to wear on him. Nothing much happened here once the sun went down, and there was no internet to take the edge off. The remains of his mild hangover reminded him that the ponies at least had a bar, even if their booze lacked punch and they closed at a ridiculously early 11:00 at night.
His eyes flicked around as he walked down the dirt road of Ponyville, the rest of the solar team around him as they moved in a group, looking for lunch. With the last of the solar arrays in place, there wasn’t any reason for him to be here, and it was far too early to grab Tony and once again hit up Berry’s Best Bar and Grill.
Pony bars were the weirdest, most surreal thing he’d ever seen, and all the liquor tasted like fruit, but it had gotten him smashed enough. He wasn’t sure how the hell that earth pony stallion had beaten him at darts, but it was a mystery he wasn’t even going to try to solve while sober.
Maybe Jerry would let him skip town early. The gateway back to Earth was supposed to be opened up at midnight, tonight. He wouldn’t mind taking the train by himself, and Canterlot might at least have more interesting sights than Ponyville did.
“You think Jerry’s going to want us to help out the Wi-Fi team?” Lucas asked from his left side, breaking his concentration. “I mean, now that we’re done with the solar tile hookups.”
Rob rolled his eyes. Lucas was a good kid, but also hopelessly naive. He kept his mouth shut, though, leaving it to Tony to burst that particular balloon.
Just as he’d expected, Tony let out an irritated grunt and replied in that condescending way he had. “Don’t go looking for more work than you’ve been contracted for, kid. That’ll never work out for ya. Trust me on this one. Stick to your job and let everyone else do theirs.”
“I think Jerry mentioned that they have the installs done, now,” Tom replied from the other side of him. He was rubbing a hand across his sun-browned bald dome as he looked around the town. “That pony electrician… Sparky, I think?”
“Mister Sparks,” Lucas supplied.
“Yeah, him. He’s already got the WAPs wired up.” Tom shrugged. “The rest of it is all that fiddly stuff that I have no idea how to do.”
“Yeah, the ladies can handle the rest,” Rob replied.
“Don’t forget about Cody and Rob Two,” Lucas supplied. “They’re on the same team.”
“That’s what I meant by ‘ladies’,” Rob replied, grinning.
Tony burst out laughing, Rob joining in with that sniggering laugh of his a few seconds later. Lucas rolled his eyes and muttered something in Spanish while Tom frowned down at the dirt road beneath them.
“I’d still like to help,” Lucas said once the laughter died down.
“Go for it, then,” Rob said, rolling his shoulders in a lazy shrug. “I think we hauled enough ass, though, don’t you? We deserve a break.”
“Yeah, go see what sights this town’s got while you’ve got the chance, kid,” Tony added.
Lucas was chewing on his lip. “Yeah… yeah, I suppose I could go get my grandma something. I think she’d like a souvenir!”
Rob’s first instinct was to scoff at that. Tourists got souvenirs. He was a professional, here on business. He wasn’t here to pick up kitschy garbage from some shamble-down store. Before he shot down the idea, though, a thought popped up in his head.
They’d been forbidden from taking pictures of the ponies without their permission, though Rob had already taken quite a few of the town itself. Those pictures could be sold to news organizations for a good chunk of change. But what about actual stuff from Ponyville? Some cheap little piece of garbage from a shop could end up going for tens of thousands online!
“Yeah, sure,” Rob said. “Let’s go look for some mementoes.”
As it turned out, Ponyville actually had its own gift and souvenir shop. It was the traditional thatched-roof shop that was so common in this town, with a sign reading “Bric-à-brac’s Souvenir Shop” hanging over the door. The proprietor, a light orange unicorn mare with a red mane, was slumped on the counter when they entered, her eyes glazed over as she rested her head on one upturned hoof. When the four humans came traipsing in, she sat up in shock, her ears perking forward as her eyes widened.
“Humans! Oh, my goodness! This is so amazing!” She came around the counter, a grin lighting up her face. “Name’s Bric-à-brac, and I have to say, it sure is great to meet you all!”
Tony flashed his standard, cheesy grin “It’s a pleasure, ma’am. My name is Tony, and my friends are Rob, Lucas and Tom.”
Rob stuffed his hands into his pockets and grunted a greeting. The way Tony kept taking charge was kind of obnoxious, but at least it kept him from having to waste any time on idle chit-chat. He started wandering the aisles, looking for something that was cheap, but looked classy enough and “pony” enough that it would sell for a small fortune online.
Tom and Lucas were also browsing, with Lucas saying something-or-other about his grandmother. Probably about buying her a souvenir, or something. Tony, meanwhile, kept the shopkeeper busy with idle chit-chat. Rob was only listening with half an ear as he browsed various bits of kitsch, none of which looked particularly unique or special enough to consider bringing home.
Then he spotted the snow-globes. One contained the Ponyville town square in miniature, with the town hall right in the center. The next was a miniature representation of an alicorn, reared back and with her wings spread, no doubt one of the Princesses. The last one contained an incredibly detailed sculpture of Canterlot, as seen from a distance. The towers and spires of the city nearly brushed the top of the glass globe, perfectly capturing the magic and majesty of the royal capital.
They were perfect. Rob quickly gathered up all three of the ones on the shelf, holding them in the crook of his arm. His heart sped up as he considered whether this would be enough, or if he should get more. The globes were a little pricey, but nothing he couldn’t afford. If he spent much else, though, he wouldn’t have enough money to go out drinking again tonight.
After a few minutes of internal debate, he decided that a night of boredom was acceptable if it meant riches later on. He wandered the store, eventually ending up with a pack of postcards with pictures of Ponyville on them, which he could probably sell individually for huge profits. He added in a three-inch-tall pewter sculpture of the Ponyville Town Hall and a pennant that had a knockoff of the Equestrian Royal Seal on it, a stylized sun-and-moon circled by a black alicorn and a white alicorn in profile.
Tony had somehow managed to wind up with a bag of merchandise, even though he had never stopped talking to the shop owner. Tom and Lucas had their own little bags, with Lucas looking exceptionally pleased with himself. Rob walked up and put his many purchases down on the counter.
“Goodness!” Bric-à-brac exclaimed. She started ringing up the purchases on an old-fashioned looking manual register, the machine making loud click-ching! noises every time she hit a button. “I guess it’s true, humans really do love this stuff!”
“Uh, yeah,” Rob mumbled, pulling out the little pouch of bits he kept in his front pocket. As each item was totaled up, it was carefully wrapped by the unicorn and slipped into a cloth bag with the shop’s name emblazoned across the front of it.
“I have to say, this sure is a windfall for me! I may be able to make my rent this month." She chuckled, then hesitated as a thoughtful look crossed her face. "So, that, er… ‘whiffy’ thingie? Is that the right word? Whiffy?” the unicorn asked, cocking an ear forward and glancing at him even as her horn continued glowing and his purchases continued to be wrapped by her magic.
It took him a few seconds to figure out what she meant. “Uh, I think you mean ‘Wi-Fi’.”
“Yeah, that! So, that’s working in town, now, right?”
“Just about,” Tony replied. Rob glanced over to see him leaning back against the wall and rifling through his own bagful of souvenirs with a self-satisfied half-smile lurking under his greasy mustache. “And the connection between Ponyville and Canterlot should be up and running in the next few weeks, once the linemen—er, linesponies? Uh, once the new lines are finished running alongside the existing telegraph lines you ponies already have set up. I was told the Princesses wanted that to be a priority.”
“Oh, it’s so exciting!” Bric-à-brac giggled. She took a number of bits off of the pile that Rob had spilled onto the counter, leaving distressingly few of them behind. “That Erin girl, have you met her? She was telling me that, once we have this ‘innernet’ thingie, I can sell my stuff directly to humans on Earth!”
Rob, who had just pocketed his receipt and few remaining bits, looked up at her in surprise. “You’re going to sell your stuff directly? Like, on the internet?”
“Yes!” Bric-à-brac smiled brightly, both ears perked forward. “It was so nice of her to bring it up, it really helped me get a jump on the competition!”
“What do you mean?” Rob asked, feeling a slight sinking sensation in his stomach.
“Why, I already have all the correct paperwork filled out, and all the approvals in place. I’m going to be one of the first official vendors of pony goods on Earth! After all, you can’t sell Equestrian goods on Earth without that approval. It’s part of the First Contact Treaty!”
You don’t say?” Rob replied, his voice hollow.
“I’m afraid so,” Bric-à-brac said, her smile changing a little. It wasn’t as bright and cheery as it had been a moment ago. Now it was slightly knowing and just a touch sympathetic. “From what I gather, it’s currently illegal to resale Equestrian goods on Earth, and vice-versa. Seems a bit silly to me, but that’s politics for you!”
“Ah.” Rob was at a loss. He considered the receipt in his pocket and wondered vaguely about the store’s return policy.
“So, let’s say a human were to buy a bunch of items from town with the intent of selling them back on Earth for a huge profit, well, they’d probably get in trouble,” Bric-à-brac continued. She laughed lightly, adding, “Not that I think any of you would do that, of course! I just thought I’d mention it. Oh, and I should also mention that my return policy is up on the wall, here.”
She nodded her horn towards a large sign that Rob had somehow managed to miss. The sign read: “Return policy: If it’s defective, I’ll replace it within three moons of the purchase date. Otherwise, it’s yours to keep!”
Behind him, Rob heard Tony’s muttered curse. He glanced back to see both Tom and Tony looking at the sign with obvious distress. Lucas, on the other hand, just looked insufferably smug. Almost as if he wanted to get punched in the face.
Rob’s purchases floated up in their nice cloth bag, encased in the unicorn’s magic aura. He stared at it dumbly for a few seconds, not knowing how to feel. He surprised himself by breaking out in wry laughter. He wanted to be angry, he really did, but the situation was just too absurd for the anger to build any steam. Who knew that ponies could be so damned sneaky?
“Okay, okay. You got me, I guess.” He took the bag and shot the shopkeeper a grin. “How did you know?”
Bric-à-brac smiled and winked. “Mare’s intuition? Honestly, even though I make nearly everything here myself, it wouldn’t bother me much if you did resell it. I really do need the bits, after all! But I don’t want you to get in trouble, either.”
“Yeah, that’s great,” Tony said with a scowl. “And that return policy? You just going to keep our money like that?”
One of Bric-à-brac’s eyebrows arched as she looked back at the human that towered over her. “Excuse me? I didn’t force you to buy anything. You were the one who thought they’d stumbled onto a get-rich-quick scheme. Using my merchandise, no less!” She huffed and stomped her foreleg.
Tony inflated, his face turning red and his mustache bristling. Rob reached out and grabbed his arm, just above the elbow. “Let it go, man,” he said softly, giving the older man’s arm a squeeze that was just short of being painful. “The mare has a point.”
Besides, she’s got guts, he thought. Gotta admire that.
Tony shot Rob a glare and pulled his arm away before turning a sullen look on the shopkeeper. "I thought ponies were supposed to be nice," the older man groused.
"'Nice' doesn't have to mean 'doormat'," Bric-à-brac replied with a shrug, a gesture that looked really weird on a pony.
Tony grumbled something under his breath and started stomping towards the door. Rob couldn't catch all of it, but he did catch something about being "swindled by a fricken’ horse." He guessed that Bric-à-brac heard it, too, judging by the way her ears folded back for an instant.
“You have a wonderful day, now, sir!” Bric-à-brac called out with a cheery smile, causing Tony's back to stiffen as he reached the door to the shop. “Take in the sights around town while you have a chance! It’s really quite a lovely town and, unlike my little knick-knacks, the views are free!”
Tony turned around only to be greeted by Rob and Lucas breaking into uncontrollable laughter. Rob laughed even harder when he saw the struggle on Tony’s face. The old man always talked a big game, getting all chummy with people and carrying on like he was everyone’s best buddy, and right now he had to choose between defending his ego or protecting his image as everyone’s best friend.
The decision went the way Rob expected. Tony’s face lost its tension as he put on a crooked smile, and Rob knew that he was already re-writing the events in his head. In less than an hour, he’d be telling people a version of the story where he came out on top. By the end of the day, he’d probably even believe it was true.
“I’ll do that,” Tony called back to the mare, letting out a pained chuckle and giving her a wave.
The four men walked back out into the streets of Ponyville, Lucas still chuckling over Bric-à-brac's parting words, Tom looking a little sour, and Tony sullen and muttering to himself. As for Rob, himself, he was surprised to find that he was in a much better mood than he'd been in before, even though his get-rich-quick scheme had hit a snag. Besides, law or not, he could probably still find a way to sell this junk. If not, then at least he had his Christmas shopping done early.
If nothing else, he sure as heck didn't feel bored anymore.