//------------------------------// // Chapter XXIII: The Rant of Mars. // Story: Lightning Bolt of Rome // by CrackedInkWell //------------------------------// “Atten-tion~” Six-thousand men, all spread out in an open field in neat square formations, straightened themselves at the command. The sun itself hadn’t quite risen up from the horizon, but there was enough dark blue light in the cool morning to see the men in armor outside of the capital. Among the orchards of twisted olive trees and rows of carts and horses, the Senator-turned-General Felix Cato led the two pony gods toward the legion that they would be commanding. With the legion gathered, the men were waiting for both of the stallions to lead them on their quest. Looking around the huge open field, both Solar Guards were impressed by the number of soldiers they had at their disposal. “Here we are,” Cato said. “One whole legion of experienced soldiers, just as you commanded, as well as an equites legionis unit with the swiftest and most obedient warhorses in the Empire.” When the two stallions stepped forward, every human moved at once into a salute. “HAIL JUPITER!” they shouted as one, “HAIL MARS!” “I guess they want us to make a speech or something,” Lightning Bolt whispered. “Sir, with your permission, shall I give them the old Drill Sergeant speech to motivate them?” The pegasus captain thought for a moment and nodded. “Don’t go overboard with it, and yes, that’s an order.” Spear Head nodded back. The armored unicorn craned his head up high with eyes of ice. “So, you all consider yourselves worthy enough to join in my beloved army?” “YES, MARS!” they all shouted. “Well, in that case, you are WRONG!” the Drill Sergeant snapped. “You may have had the privilege to experience battles, smash your enemies, and get away with thinking every you’re all some kind of heroes, but now you are dealing with the very God of War himself, and I do not want any imperfection from anyone who is stupid enough to call themselves part of the Legion of the Gods. If you ladies never leave this legion, if you survive this expedition into the unknown, then all of you will go down in history as the greatest warriors in existence. “But from this moment onward, whenever you address either me or Jupiter, the very first and last thing to ought to come out of your filthy excuse for a mouth is ‘Sir’. You will speak to when spoken to. You will not, and I repeat, will not abandon this legion unless we say so. In this legion, it doesn’t matter if you’re an experienced soldier or a new recruit, a general or a gladiator, a king or a slave, or even a donkey. At this moment, all of you are nothing but piles of worthless dirt, which means that if any of you want even the slightest amount of our respect, you will have to earn it. “Because I am hard, none of you will like me. The more you hate me, the more you will learn from me. I am hard because I am fair. And if it’s necessary, I will personally weed out those who are not fit to serve in this beloved legion. Am I clear, maggots?” “SIR, YES, SIR!” “Bullcrap, I can’t hear you!” “SIR, YES, SIR!” The pegasus watched as the Drill Sergeant walked up to a random legionary. ‘This should be entertaining.’ “What’s your name, scumbag?” “Sir, Corporal Leonidas sir!” “Bullcrap! From now on, you’re Private Sparkle Sticks! Do you like that name?” “Sir, yes, sir!” “Well, there’s one thing that you won’t like, Private Sparkle. There won’t be any dresses for your tea parties.” “Sir, yes, sir!” As the God of Drill Sergeants went into the next row of men, General Cato followed him while Lightning took to the air, trying to see who his next victim was going to be. “You!” Spear pointed an accusing hoof at a random soldier. “What’s your name, lady?” “Sir, Sergeant Julius, sir!” “Sergeant Julius, why did you join my beloved legion?” “Sir, to kill, sir!” “So you’re a killer?” “Sir, yes, sir!” “Let me see your war face!” “Sir?!” “You got a war face?!” The pegasus reared up on his hind legs and screamed in his face. “That’s a war face, now let me see your war face!” The soldier screamed his war cry. “Bullcrap, you didn’t convince me! Let me see your real war face!” He screamed louder than before. “You don’t scare me. Work on it.” “Sir, yes, sir!” Spear Head walked down the line a bit before finding someone else to yell at. “What’s your excuse?” “Sir, an excuse for what, sir?” “I’m asking the bucking questions here, do you understand?” “Sir, yes, sir!” “Well thank you very much! Can I be in charge for a while?” “Sir, yes, sir!” “Are you shook up, are you nervous?” “Sir, I am, sir!” “Do I make you nervous?” “Sir!” “Sir what? Are you about to call me a plothole?” “Sir, no, sir!” “How tall are you?” “Sir, three cubits, sir!” “Celestia’s plothole, I didn’t know they stacked manure that high! Where are you from anyway?” “Sir, Greece’s providence, sir!” “Sweet Luna’s spit, I’ve heard that only sailors and coltcuddlers come from Greece, and you don’t look much like a sailor to me so that narrows it down. Do you think I’m cute, soldier?” “Sir, no, sir!” “Bullcrap! I’ll bet you’re the kind of guy who would rut a colt from behind and not even have the Celestia-damned courtesy to give him a reacharound! I’ll be watching you!” Cato Felix looked at the pegasus in shock. “What is he doing?” “Motivation to get the job done,” Lightning smirked, “as well as giving them all a good idea of who’s in charge. Besides, he’s really good at what he does.” “Yes… remind me not to make him angry.” Lightning chuckled. “He really isn’t, he’s just acting. If he was really upset, there would be some blood somewhere.”